Hello faithful,

I've been thinking about nuclear semiotics a lot lately. If you're unfamiliar, this is the science of trying to design warnings and symbols so that those in the far future, assuming humanity survives that long, will avoid nuclear waste storage areas if their common knowledge becomes forgotten. It's the last bit that sticks with me, because we're starting to see it everywhere. Resistance to vaccinations and a general aversion to science, in particular, strike chords with me. The commonalities of iron lungs and forearm crutches, children widely taken by illness, are no longer common. Science made that possible. But most of us have only heard about it. We've never seen it. We're far enough away from that point in time that it's become legend and history, and so many of the closest survivors of that age are plagued by survivor's bias: "I made it, so it wasn't so bad".

RFK doesn't want to make you safer. He just wants to be right. He wants to be smarter than experts, for those who make him feel insecure to be invalidated as being needlessly concerned. It's about shoving the nerd in the locker. It's about apotheosis, transcending consequences and common life. Because that's what's gonna happen with most of these people. Trump has enough money to be independent of the economy. Whether his measures work or not doesn't matter, just whether enough people think they do that he continues to be beyond consequence. Kristi Noem doesn't care if you're safe. She just wants to continue in the position of being able to decide what threatens you.

Looping back, there's an army of people who would gratefully worship the "Greatest Generation" without critiquing what they fought for. We've become what they were opposing, but it's okay; it's US this time. It's about fucking over the people that make them uncomfortable. It's about asserting dominance through homogeneity. Because, more than anything, ANYTHING, the crux of the American delusion is that we are #1. There can be no alternative. All that is must be tolerable to the American gaze. And the people perpetrating these crises have an unshakeable belief in what that gaze is. It has no basis on reality, or data, or experience. It simply is, fully-formed.

It scares me because the hope of semiotics is that whoever finds the places they protect would be interested in learning. But the most primal parts of our brain aren't interested in that. They're curious, and they seek satisfaction, not understanding. It's not about knowing that something is dangerous, harmful, or actively deleterious. They easily forget and ignore. They simply want to witness a spectacle.

Dogs will desperately try to eat toxic foods and toddlers reach out to hot stoves and electrical outlets. When stopped they scream and cry because you are DENYING them the experience. Because they have the unshakeable confidence that they WILL walk away okay; they are innocent in that way. What we are witnessing, though, is willful ignorance. It is trying to starve reality until it conforms to your comfort zone. And it won't stop until we're all buried under it.

Don't accept it. Don't allow it. Survive. However you can.

Love and Peace, at least one day,

Kami

Hello faithful,

I haven't posted here in a while (which could be an entirely other journal I guess) but I saw something neat was doing and I decided I wanted to follow suit! So let me ease back into DJ mode and suggest some musical artists I enjoy and recommend you check out if you haven't before, along with a song I'm particularly fond of. Let me know if you like anything you see!

1. Petrolz [Dare]
2. QUEEN BEE [80's]
3. 10-FEET [What's up?]
4. 88Kasyo Junrei [凍狂 (Tokyo)]
5. ALI [Tokyo Pharaoh]
6. indigo jam unit [Voyager]
7. Turbowolf [Nine Lives]
8. Straightener [Lightning]
9. Graveyard Club [Valens]
10. DREAMCAR [On The Charts]
11. Chromeo [Night by Night]
12. BOOM BOOM SATELLITES [Girl]
13. ART-SCHOOL [HeaVen]
14. Aria [Там Высоко (Tam Visoko)]
15. ELLEGARDEN [Space Sonic]
16. ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION [サイレン (Siren)]
17. Hail Mary Mallon [Octoberfest]
18. Knorkator [Alter Mann]
19. JazzChronic [Openly Closed]
20. Sex Machineguns [世直しGOOD VIBRATION (Yonaoshi Good Vibration)]
21. JAWEYE [Chaos Me]
22. the HIATUS [Insomnia]
23. RHYMESTER [We LOVE Hip Hop]
24. RIP SLYME [SCAR]
25. Big Black Delta [Huggin & Kissin]
26. EZO [House of 1,000 Pleasures]
27. Nothing's Carved in Stone [Diachronic]
28. Modena City Ramblers [I Cento Passi]
29. Luna Sea [Sweetest Coma Again]
30. CHEMISTRY [Floatin']
31. The Go-Betweens [Someone Else's Wife]

Love and Peace,
Kami

Hello faithful,

I hope you're all doing well! The world is a scary and difficult place for many of us these days and I sincerely hope you've been able to dodge the worst of it. It's been a while since I posted much about myself (or any original work, really), so I wanted to check in and give you guys some insight into what's going on.

About a year or so ago I started noticing some changes to my health, specifically my mental health. I was feeling more anxious and upset, to a point that it started getting in the way of my work and personal life. Most notably it started to bleed into my physical health: my anxiety would translate into shortness of breath, chest pain, dizziness and vertigo, vomiting, numbness in my limbs, even migraines. You name it, it's probably happened. I've ended up in the ER a few times, mostly to check out my heart (nothing significant has ever been found, thankfully), gotten scans and procedures done, even ended up with a lovely (unironically) ambulance ride about a month ago. I was already in therapy, but ended up seeing someone weekly just to try and get by. I tried taking leaves of absence, but that has done little. It's gotten to a point where it's often difficult to do basic things, though my current job gives me a lot of flexibility, better or worse, for how I deal with that. Said job is no small contributor, though; my boss is probably the number one stressor affecting my health. I recently made the decision to seek more intensive treatment, and I'll be going on FMLA next month in order to enroll in a program for at least four weeks. It's either that or the hospital, and all my doctors agree that that might not be the best option for me.

Beyond the simple stress of the experience is the fact that it's gotten rather expensive; not even accounting for the therapy (which I can't even account for until it's done) I'm already about $2500 in the red on treatment. I've had to adopt a "damn the expense" mindset because I can't afford to not get treatment (some of this stuff I've put off for literal years) but it is gonna be an expensive venture for sure. I was hesitant to do so, but I bit the bullet and opened a Ko-fi if anyone would like to support me there: https://ko-fi.com/kami89220. As I said before, I know that things are difficult for many, so I don't want to try and twist anyone's arm to do anything. If anyone has the desire and the means to do so comfortably, though, I'd appreciate any help anyone is able to provide.

Love and Peace,
Kami

Hello faithful,

It's the terrific 's birthday today and it would mean the world to me if you'd stop by and give her some well wishes! I love that sweet little fox and I'm sure you will too. <3

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

I finally got on the new thing. I'm not giving up on Twitter wholesale just yet but backups are definitely necessary. You can follow me here: https://bsky.app/profile/kamithesheeb.bsky.social

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

My good friend is doing a raffle for her birthday! She's also got a puzzle for all entrants to solve for additional prizes! You should check it out here: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/51232826/

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

It's been close to two years since I last said that phrase. It seems odd to say now, the realization that I'll post things into the void here with no guarantee that they'll be read and acknowledged creeping over it. But there's comfort in the act, so let's move on to the update.

I think I'll take the opposite path of my last journal and keep personal details to a minimum unless people are deeply curious. Things got far, FAR worse and, for the sake of the privacy of those involved and my own sanity, I'd prefer not to dwell on them more than necessary. Suffice to say that I am not being impersonated and that I am still to be found where I have before, here included.

In addition to work (still in healthcare, so stretched a mite thin) I have taken up streaming as a hobby, which has been a ton of fun! My Twitch is HERE; I stream primarily adventure and fighting games, the vast majority of which are played on my fightstick. It's challenging but it's really helped improve my execution. Feel free to pop by or give me a follow if you'd like to show your support.

I'll be trying to slowly upload gifts and comms to my other account in the coming weeks as well, but I won't set a timeline for that.

Who knows, maybe I'll write something by then too.

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

Aside from the one-off fave I'm not terribly active here, but it would still behoove me to update you all from time to time. So I'll post a few quick updates and then get on to something else.

1. I'm still working in healthcare, now at a clinic closer to home. The pay isn't great but I have decent insurance, which has been pretty helpful given the following note.

2. I've been having a lot of health problems. A LOT. For the past five months now I've deal dealing with a litany of short-term emergencies and accidents (some of which, admittedly, were my own fault) including two trips to the ER. Lots of gastric issues, nausea, vomiting, trouble sleeping, anxiety..... it's just been a year. It's really intimidating, honestly, because I'm mostly recovered as far as I can tel but I'm still gun shy about a lot of things. It sucks but there's not much I can do other than handle it one step at a time.

3. I'm still assisting in research with Emory. I've been "helping" with literature review for a few months now but I honestly hate it and have been ducking a lot like a bad dog. The science is interesting but researching this paper has me bored to tears. xD Consequently, I've been heavily reconsidering my future plans (such as going back to school) because the lack of given free time has become suffocating.

4. I got Fire Emblem: Three Houses at launch and am about... 105 hours into my first playthrough (Blue Lions for life!). It's not the most immaculately-made game ever but goddamn is it fun. If you're a fan of the franchise or genre I can't recommend it enough.

5. After some deliberation I'm considering starting a podcast. The working title is Kusoplex and it'll be a show about bad movies and, occasionally, other media if the mood strikes. I recorded a proof-of-concept demo if anyone would like to take a listen (https://drive.google.com/open?id=1oezha0uqEG8grkF2yexGvKitQ48XUlFz). I don't have much in the way of equipment atm so I'd like to get a little more insight before I drop a few hundred dollars on an upgrade.

6. I stream my monthly bad movie night now as potential attendance has started to exceed the capacity of my apartment. If anyone would be interested in tuning in sometime I can provide more info.

---

OTHER THINGS

---

Okay, so there's a requisite dramatic story here. I want to get it out of my head and this seems like this is as good a place as any. A good while back I'd had a bit of an experience with a good friend of mine. They and their partner have known me for a long time and I've always felt it was a privilege to be around them. Of course, when I first met them, I was a bit more active with my writing and just kind of living my life in general. Anyway, the time in question was a few months after my last relationship had ended and, putting it mildly, I was feeling really lost. And I'm the kind of guy who friend flirts; I do it a lot. But I had gotten the distinct impression that my flirting with this individual had become less platonic on their end somehow and, while I was definitely taken aback, I wasn't opposed. They're poly and their partner had egged me on a bit so... I went with it. And it was a massive misunderstanding. MASSIVE. I'd made similar mistakes by accident in the past (I struggle with projection) but never had I been so blatant and, by the end of the whole thing, I felt like an absolute goddamn disaster. I've talked to both of them and it's a matter of the past. It well and truly is. But things, at least for me, just haven't been the same... And I feel tremendous guilt for that. They treat me the same as they always have. Still friendly, still supportive, even a little flirty. But ever since this whole thing I feel a distance that wasn't there before and it keeps me away from them.

And it's expanded to other people. I'm surrounded by a tremendous number of talented individuals who for one reason or another have become my friends and I'm weighed down as of late by all the different ways that has succeeded or failed. Friends I've not made time for that I should, friends who've left me behind, acquaintances who I wish I could get to know better, and, at the apex of it, people I've honestly become almost afraid of. Because I can't legitimize my place around them. I joke about my lack of drive and creativity in recent years and, in an attempt to make me feel better, my status as a normal non-creative was acknowledged and excused explicitly by a friend. It hurt so bad to hear that. I didn't want to turn out this way, you know? I used to dance and sing and write and just..... do stuff. But when I'm not tired I feel sick and I've taken all the life out of myself.

People who meet all of these descriptors might very well be reading this right now. And, for those people, I'd like to apologize for bringing it up this way. I feel like I've lost the ability to be open about these things and discuss them. But really, what do you do? How do you message someone who's out there living their life, maybe hundreds of miles away, and say "I wish you hadn't abandoned me"? As if there were intent to it; it's a natural part of life and I've done it myself. How do I, in turn, apologize to the people I left behind feeling that I can't do better myself? How do you tell someone that you hate the way you make yourself feel when you're around them? What can they possibly do about it?

*sigh*

It's a farce, honestly. The whole thing. Everyone has reasons and excuses and, at the end of the day, nobody's really done anything wrong in this situation but me and, even then, none of it was necessarily intentional. It's just how life is. If you feel like any of this applies to you and you want to talk about it in private, I'm all ears. And, if not, that's fine. But it's out there now and that's something.

---

I appreciate you all for reading and hope you're all doing as well as you can.

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

I was recently asked by a friend to promote an artist in need so I'm happy to oblige below. I'm also going to be sharing some other artists I know who are open for commissions. If you know anyone who needs a boost, dire or otherwise, let me know so I can add them here! I'll be including social media links as well for those interested.

Emergency

 CoffeeGrounds - Nib has had their hours cut SIGNIFICANTLY at work and is having trouble paying bills. Good deals on badges and bookmarks! Their Twitter is coffeegrounds.

Non-Emergency

 Kydeon - Kat offers both SFW and NSFW pieces at a variety of complexities and in a range of mediums. Start cheap and work your way up! Her Twitter is kydeonartz.

 Merdane - Khorri is currently open for flat color comms. Her Twitter is khorribat.

 PookiesPencils - Pookie is currently open for a variety of traditional arts. Her Twitter is @ PookiesPlush.

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

2018, at long last, has left us and we are in the presence of a new year. I hope that it's treating you well so far! I was fortunate enough to ring it in with Tene and Ottar as well as their friend Ru; there was drinking and cards and furious debate over the validity of various sports programs. A bit busier than I'm used to, but I can't complain.

I approach this new year with a little more trepidation than I would normally because, on a personal level, I find myself faced with new territory. The second half of 2018 was dominated by the implosion of my mental health: years of stress and the onset of a deep depression left me erratic, physically ill and, ultimately, suicidal. My work suffered, my relationship failed... I sought help and got into treatment. I'm on medication now, which is something I have a love-hate relationship with because, while it works to combat my anxiety, I don't want to run the risk of losing the coping skills I DO have. So I actively resist taking it. It's a little easier now than it was, but I'm still struggling with all of this daily.

That said, some good things happened. My parents paid off what remained on my student loans and my sister's boyfriend loaned me some cram books for the GRE. I'm finally in a good position to go back and get my Master's, maybe even a doctorate if I was motivated enough. I'm FREE. But therein lies the problem...

I've often heard that recovery from paralysis can be painful once you start regaining feeling and, contrived as it may seem, I can really relate to that now. For many years I've never really had to worry about direction: go to school, graduate, get a job. Do well at that job, make money, then make more money. Meet a girl, get married, settle down and have kids. Rinse and repeat until the dark sucks it up.

A few weeks ago I had an epiphany: I have no agency. I don't know if I gave it up or what, but I in large part have stopped making my own decisions. I stopped being a part of the world around me. I stopped listening to new music, trying to go places, doing anything, ANYTHING on my own unless it was specifically for somebody else. My depression has eaten a lot of that and routine finished the rest. I have reached a point where I feel like I wait for people to permit me to do things and, if they don't, I just sit on my phone until food or sleep interrupts. That's not sustainable; I can't just keep watching things happen until I die. I have to actually, actively live my life and I'm absolutely terrified of that. I don't know where to begin. I don't know who to talk to or even what to ask, so I'm putting it out here where I feel most comfortable.

I know that I have to be the one to work through this and figure it out. Nobody can do it for me. But I think part of doing that is admitting that I'm tremendously intimidated. I'm scared, rooted to the ground. It's a full-blown existential crisis. xD

So this is my new year. That and Monster Hunter: World, which is a masterwork. What's going on with you guys? Clue me in.

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

The time, sadly, has come.

Today is a day that a lot of people have been dreading for a long time. Stan Lee passed away today. He was 95. Every Marvel fan knew this day would come, increasingly soon with each passing year, until it finally arrived. And I'm sad, just like a lot of you are. But I'm also delighted because there is so much to gain in reviewing his legacy.

Mr. Lee elevated the art form of American comics because he realized something important: that heroes become truly great when they are relatable. Mythic heroes drank, smoked, slept around.... and also killed monsters and routed enemies, but they were otherwise regular, fallible people.

In an age of space aliens and millionaire playboys Peter Parker was a high school kid from Queens who got powers by accident. He had no parents and lost his father figure by his own negligence. He fought crime and struggled. Killed his girlfriend on accident. And kids of that era and beyond grew and grieved with him. There was a sense of kinship between these kids reading comics and the hero they were watching.

Lee saw social issues and took them head on. In an era of racial divisiveness he protested via proxy. The mutants of the X-Men were a minority capable of bringing cities to their knees. Some could destroy the world if they wanted to. But, really, most simply wanted to live as human beings. In X-Men the "other" were inherently superior and it was only by the wisdom of their mentor that they did not strike down their oppressors, a hard warning to the bigots of the world. Black Panther played further counter to the idea of non-white inferiority: placing square on the table that, not only might white America be inferior to a non-white country, they might be undeserving of catching up.

Sue Richards lost a baby. Tony Stark drank. Hank Pym beat his wife. These were all unfortunate realities that the characters Lee created and worked with suffered because he wanted to create a world. A living, breathing world where heroes walked among us and lived on blocks, met each other on the street, loved, lost, and were US. And, to an unfathomable degree, he succeeded.

6 years ago the biggest movie in history was about a working-class kid from Brooklyn, a child abuse victim, a drunk, an ex-pat, a deaf man, and an alien god. Think about how inherently goofy that sounds. It's a punchline. But it was also the Avengers, and it was an all-consuming piece of cinema that, moreso than ever before, brought superheroes so far into the mainstream that no comic geek should ever fear to fly their flag again.

That's what I think about when I choose to remember Stan Lee. He saw an opportunity to take something he loved and make it more. Make it greater. From a few characters he built UNIVERSES. Remember that the next time your stories don't click. Your poetry doesn't move and your songs don't kick. When your art doesn't pop. Remember that Stan Lee practiced what he preached: he was a true believer. He believed so deeply and powerfully in what he did that he became inseparable from it He called us all true believers as well because he knew that we believed in him and the world he made for us.

And he, and it, believed in all of us.

Thank you for sharing your life with us, Mr. Lee. Rest in Peace.

Excelsior,

Kami

Hello faithful,

I'm going to Anthrocon for the first time ever so, naturally, I've completed the standard meme below.

ANTHROCON 2018!!!

Where are you staying?
Double Tree Hotel

How long are you staying?
Wednesday to Sunday

Means of transportation?
Driving up with

Roommates?





Relationship Status
Taken by

How old are you?
27

What Language do you speak?
English, maybe a little Spanish

Where will you most likely be?
Probably the game room, though I will definitely try to be out and about

Who will you be with?
Probably one of the roommates or friends from back home

Request art?
You wouldn't want anything I could give you

Art trades?
YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO

Do you do commissions?
I can't draw T-T

Fursuits?
I do not have one, no

Can I touch you?
I'm pretty open to physical contact, but let me know first.

Can I talk to you?
I'm kinda shy, but you're more than welcome to approach me. I might be a little awkward in a first meeting, though.

Can I hug you?
Ask first, but, as a big guy, I give INCREDIBLE hugs.

Can I take photos of you/with you?
If you wanna put yourself through that then you're welcome to ask, but please ask.

Can we drink together?
It's possible. I imbibe.

Do you drink alcohol/smoke?
I do drink but I'm not much of a smoker.

Can we hang out?
Really depends on what you have in mind. I'm usually down for gaming if I don't have other plans.


Other cons planned?
Not at the moment, no

Events/panels?
Game room, most definitely. Looking to play some fightan. The dens and alleys of course. Not sure otherwise as I haven't actually reviewed the panel listings yet. xD

How can I find you at the con?
I'm a big blond guy. I'M NOTICEABLE. I'll have badges too, so that'll help.

Can we go out for a dinner?
Probably sticking mostly to roomies and friends, but it's possible.

Are you buying art/merch?
I keep having AWFUL experiences with commissions, but I'll probably splurge on something. We'll see.

What is the best way to contact you?
Via Telegram (@KamiYama91) or FA

Room parties?
Not a big partier and I know we probably won't have any in our room

We have met before and you don't seem to recognize me? WHY?
My memory is terrible, being honest. It takes a few meetings but if you recognize me or know me from somewhere, come over and reintroduce yourself!

Can I ask you personal questions?
It's a mood thing. I'm not looking to ruin my con with political or religious debate. But I'm not necessarily shy. Let some conversation happen first.

Hope to see some of you there!

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

It's been a little bit since I posted an update here and it occurs to me that, during the last one, I promised to provide some clues into how life has been. Much as I love wordplay I think it would be best to catch you up quickly, so I'll do so.

Around the time of my last update the boys and I moved to a new place. We live around Atlanta now and I love the new digs, though the kitchen is small and my room has a god-awful draft. has been showing Tene and I around (he grew up around here) and I'm loving all the restaurants he's been showing off to us. The shopping is pretty good as well.

I also live significantly closer to now, which has helped a bit. Our schedules don't line up worth a shit, but we can meet up once or twice a week for a bit. We play Overwatch together a fair bit on PC and she got better than me pretty quickly. xD

Got a job at a place I respect a great deal. Not doing what I'd like to do but I'm fairly good at it and the controlling majority of my coworkers have been great. I'm learning a lot and, ever so slowly, garnering a positive reputation. Management is somewhat hypocritical, though, which has been the biggest thorn in my side beyond the commute: an hour there in the morning, 1.5 back at night. Not worth what I'm making but better than many alternatives.

I've been struggling with depression again in a very serious way. I had done well to mitigate it before with my friends so close at hand but, now that we're further away, I've lost some of that infrastructure. The work stress is a lot less than it was but, on a personal level, I've not been well. Between myself and the people who depend on me I've spent a lot of my free time crashed in bed. I've stopped cleaning. I've approached a few people about it who've been very supportive, but I'm definitely leaning towards returning to counseling in the near future. My mother agreed to help me with the bill so I just need to make arrangements.

I'd like to apologize to those reading who will get a steady trickle to a flood of faves on old art. I've not been in the mental state to clean out my queue but I'm trying to catch up. Thank you all for making such wonderful art for us to appreciate. It's been a pleasure watching you continue to create and grow.

If we've had any meaningful interactions in the past and you can see this message I'd love to hear from you. A lot of my social neglect has been mutual but it's still not tremendously pleasant. I hope you are all well.

I'm going to try and clean again.

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

It's been a bit since my last update and I have a LOT to discuss, but I'll save that for another time. Most immediately and have informed me that a dear friend of theirs is in a really tight spot.

You can find more details here: https://www.gofundme.com/get-barbarajean-home

Anything you can do to help, whether in the form of donations or spreading the word, will be greatly appreciated. Let's get her home.

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

My dear is giving away a free sketch! Details may be found HERE!

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

I have many talented friends (somehow) and they are always in need of some support! Here are a few below:

- Katalyst's doing floral pieces for May! More info may be found here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8200737/. Lovely work for a nice price, so please check her out!

- Timo's constantly pushing out work, some in promotion of her and 's "The Hunter's Guild" webcomic. Check her out and, if you like what you see, consider supporting her on Patreon!

I'll be sure to update this list as more floofs come forward. If you like me to add you to the list, just note me!

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

I almost forgot to fill one of these out! Better late than never, I suppose....

---

What is your name?
Kami

Where are you staying?
The Marquis, naturally

What day are you getting there?
Thursday

How long are you staying?
I will be leaving Monday

How are you traveling?
In my dear Asuka (my car)

Who will you be rooming with?
, amongst others

Who will you hang out with during the convention?
I mostly stick around the Athens furs and associates, but I might drift a bit

What do you look like?
I'm a large man. xD Blonde, bearded, blue eyes, tall, and heavyset. I will have a badge on and, probably, some type of bandana.

How old are you?
25

What is your gender?
Male

How tall are you?
6'1"

What is the best way to find you?
I'm a gamer. It's a game-themed con. Check the game room. xD I'll probably be hunting for fighting game players, so that'll be a good place to look.

If I see you, how should I get your attention?
I'm kind of oblivious in big groups like that. Just approach me and introduce yourself.

Will you be going to parties?
Probably just the ones in the room, though I might follow some friends around

Will you be fursuiting?
No suit, so no.

Are you in a relationship?
I am not! I'm not planning on leaving in one either, though, so please be respectful. :)

Can I talk to you?
I'm kind of shy, but I'd love to meet you! Just introduce yourself so I have some idea of what I'm dealing with.

Can I hug you?
I'm pretty pro-hug, but I wouldn't lead off with it. If you don't already have permission I'd ask first.

Can I visit your room?
Not my room but, if you'd like to come by, I can always request permission for you.

Are you nice?
I'm a sarcastic bastard, but I try to be. xD If I'm rude just let me know.

Where will you be most of the time during the day/s?
Probably the game room

Can I come with you for food/fun/etc?
Depends on the offer. We'll settle it on a case-by-case basis.

Can I take your picture?
No clue why you'd want to, but I guess?

Contact Info?
Telegram - kamiyama91
Twitter - kamiyama91

---

Hope to see some of you there!

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

With the assistance of a great deal of research, luck, and a federal tax return, I am finally the proud owner of a Nintendo Switch! If you also have one and would like to add me as a friend, my FC is SW-6154-2814-7319.

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

My dearest is doing a request journal. There's a chance you might get free art that's actually worth a damn. Check it out here: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8150020/. Good luck!

Love and Peace,

Kami

[EDIT] - New journal address added.

Hello faithful,

Last night I had to do something that I've been dreading. My mother called me while I was out with friends and told me that, after almost three years of absence, I needed to come home. I needed to meet my father halfway and that we needed to "be a family again".

Two hours later she came to the conclusion that it wasn't to be. I went out of my way to be as venomous and obtuse as I could be, throwing out every grievance and bit of insanity that has come with twenty-five years of my heritage. It was hyperaggressive, disorganized, and I'm quite fortunate the cops didn't arrest me for disturbing the peace. I hurt her badly and there's no doubt in my mind I'll come to regret that.

But...

We weren't much of a family. I have a few good memories of my father: taking us out for snow cones after school, taking me out to Turner Field (even though I refused to watch the game), playing with me as a child. I treasure them. But the majority of my life I've lived in fear of David. Even now, under decades of hatred and self-deprecating jokes about my orphan status, I'm not sure how well I'd do around him for a prolonged period. A year ago he passed me on the road and I almost hyperventilated.

David, for one reason or another, has never been able to connect with me as a parent. If it was broken, he'd fix it. If it needed buying, he'd buy it. If it was unknown, he'd research it. But he could never entice me to trust him with things. We didn't talk about my problems. The ones he could see, like my weight,social awkwardness, and panic attacks, were personal embarrassments; anything else simply didn't exist or wasn't important. As a physical provider, he was excellent. As a parent, from where I stand now, I can only say that he was overwhelmed.

But he took it out on me.

I remember being kicked out of my house because my girlfriend wanted to see what I looked like with a ponytail. Having to sleep in the basement because going to my room would wake him up (it was a house rule because work kept me out late), and being called stupid when statistics and studies I brought home contradicted with his personal beliefs. My lack of athleticism and technical acumen, too, were unbearable to him. I was a foreign entity in my own home and not a day went by that it wasn't beaten into my head that, at least by him, I was wholly and entirely unwanted there. I was a spy for his mother whom he despised (whom I had avoided to try and prevent this situation). I was an alcoholic (though I took pride in waiting until I turned 21). And, even when I balanced a job, band, radio, and a full class schedule in college, I was lazy and stupid because I got Bs and Cs (I tried my best). To avoid triggering him I was encouraged to eliminate any part of me that didn't please him.

Three years ago David disowned me. He was at a low point in life, struggling in a legal battle with his sister about his inheritance from their late father. He asked me what I thought and I told him I hated him for it. During the entire proceeding he was convinced I wanted him to fail for arbitrary reasons. I was leaking information to her and I was a pathetic traitor. I'd done everything in my power to avoid her.... We didn't speak. But that answer wasn't acceptable to him and, finally, I was banished from the household, never to return. At first it was painful. I really, truly didn't have a home anymore. In time I replaced that with something better, a framework made possible by many of you. For that you have my sincerest gratitude.

Aside from getting this out in the open so I can breathe again, I think this story is important to share because David was also abused as a child. There's not a doubt in my mind he had it worse than me: the few stories he ever felt the need to tell were full of calls to the police and broken dishware. He survived that, though, and found a way to provide for himself. But he never got help... I think the oppressive nature of our upbringing was compensation for that. If he controlled everything and punished dissent with an iron fist, he couldn't be hurt anymore. I know that, years later, that was one of the reasons I repeated his mistakes. I met a vulnerable young woman and, by the end of our time together, I'd utterly dehumanized her. Last I heard she'd finally gotten her life back together and was really, truly doing well. I'm really grateful for that... and I plan on avoiding her for the rest of my life if it helps her maintain it.

The take home message from this post, if there is one, is that abuse is more than just a moment in time. It can persist through generations and affect people well beyond the initial point of contact. Abuse makes monsters. I can accept that it's made one of me and I try very, VERY hard to change that nature. It's difficult. You base your survival around these behaviors to the point they become second-nature and completely necessary to you. You know when it's happening and you feel guilty every time. It's an endless, self-propagating cycle of pain and regret.

Abuse is never okay. As someone who has been abused and, in turn, abused other people, I can't stress this enough. A quick Google search will connect you to resources in your area designed to help those affected by all manner of abuse.

If you see something, say something. Please.

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

I hope you all had the best Valentine's Day that you could, however you chose or were able to celebrate. I thought it'd be nice to post so I was wondering: does anyone have an earworm going right now? I recently picked up some new albums and, in doing so, I was reminded how much I've fallen out of looking into new stuff to listen to. Shoot me some recommendations if you've got them; bonus points if you tell me what you like about it.

I've been listening to:

Turbowolf - Two Hands (2015)

No bad tracks I don't think, but I could do without Toy Memaha. MK Ultra is probably the weakest full-length track. Absolutely in love with the rest.

Baroness - Purple (2015)

Commits a grave sin by having an outro stinger, which I think is super unnecessary. Fugue is a decent mid-album lull, but it's probably my least favorite track. If I Have to Wake Up has been stuck in my head the past few days. Shock Me and Try to Disappear are highly recommended.

I look forward to your offerings!

Love and Peace,

Kami

P.S. - Thanks to for the new icon! Also thanks to for surprising me with said icon!

Hello faithful,

I just realized that it's been an age since I've written a journal of some kind so, at the risk of it going unread, I should probably provide some sort of update for the curious.

The past few months have been, for lack of a better word, a RIDE. To summarize:

- My car flooded within a month of moving in and it spent a week in the shop ($500)
- My workload has increased dramatically (for no money), crushing whatever I have instead of a social life
- I had a medical emergency a while back and had to go to the urgent care (my meds have gone up)
- I'm still in the process of resolving a dispute with my employer in which they "lost" 100 hours of overtime pay
- I've spent the past few weeks fighting a recurring illness, though I'm FINALLY in the clear (so many meds)
- While I was recovering someone hit my car (another $500 coming up)

So, roughly, it's been about one thing a month lately. It's definitely taken a toll on my mental state, which is why I haven't been updating as much as I usually do. I'm fairly confident that I'm depressed, which is difficult for me to acknowledge as a psych guy. I'm definitely trying to reorganize myself to be more pro-mental health, but some things are just beyond my control at the moment.

That said:

- and have been great roommates (even if Rudder never cleans). It's a nice change of pace from my previous situation, where I had to keep fandom stuff tightly under wraps all the time. We hang out, do stuff together from time-to-time.

- The neighbors are really nice here, though the management sucks. We're actually part of a community, better or worse, and that's a very comforting thought.

- Gave up on the cute blonde. I was causing myself a lot of undue stress and, while I still admire her greatly, there's no point in investing that much feeling in someone that won't reciprocate. (Don't worry, though, drama furs. My new crush has pink hair. xD)

- There's a weekly in Athens now, so I now have the option of becoming more FGC active. That's something I really want to invest in, so hopefully things will continue to develop.

- I recently earned a marketing certification and the proctor for our class, who runs a local agency, invited me to tour the office this Friday. He knows I'm hoping to leave my job and he likes me, so I'm hoping I might be able to turn the visit into something more....... profitable. xD Wish me luck!

That more or less concludes the goings on for the past few months.

What's been going on with you guys? I'm always happy to hear from you!

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

Good news! VERY good news!

In title order:

- Pokemon GO has been released! I hope you're enjoying it as much as I am; I plan on becoming a Pokemon master and maybe getting some sick glutes. xD Also GLORY TO TEAM INSTINCT!!!!!

- I've finally found a place to live! If all goes as planned and will be moving in ahead of me to our new apartment on the 20th. It's not a house like we wanted, but it's a pretty nice place with a lot of potential. I'm looking forward to it.

To keep it short: things are on a bit of an upswing. Now just to find a better job, work on some health things, and try and rekindle some of the passion missing in my life. Maybe confess my feelings to that cute blonde...... NAH! :p

Hope you're all doing well!

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

I'm of the persuasion that I'll be imbibing tonight and I'm short on pleasant company. Anyone have any stories they want to share? Questions to ask? I'm not picky, just looking to be personable. Post below and I'll handle the rest.

Love and Peace,

Kami

Hello faithful,

My dear friend is trying to raise some funds! Due to some unforeseen circumstances she has to dig up some rent money by the 1st and, to bridge that gap, she's doing a headshot sale. $10 will land you a full-color headshot. They're quite lovely and she can churn them out in about a day, so won't you give her a look? I'd really appreciate it!

Love and Peace,

Kami