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Updates on Disability - A Thank You To All
Posted a year agoThis is a more comprehensive update to the last journal I posted so I can get my thoughts out better.
I just recieved a letter with the date of my hearing for disability. It is in September, and while that is still a ways off, it's at least a concrete date I can look forward to. With a legal team backing me this time, and an insurmountable amount of evidence, I would hope I could achieve my much deserved disability after 5 long, grueling years.
Generally speaking. Things can still take time after the hearing, as there is a "determination" period, but from my experience it is at least less than just waiting for a court date. And with a legal team this time it may be quicker. With 5 years of back pay, at the rate I was being estimated (1200-1400 per month), I can legit pay off my car, my other debts, pay off who I owe, and have plenty of wiggle room to keep myself afloat for anything, which will give me all the peace of mind I'll ever need to begin an actual journey into real healing.
Exhausting is beyond what I could ever call this. And I can't wait to have this be over. I'll finally be able to just... Maybe relax for once. Or focus on everything else so I can eventually relax. The amount of stress and anxiety has been so crippling that I've been sometimes completely unable to move, and waking up from PTSD related nightmares and siezure aftermath, just to live out my life anxious constantly about everything else till sleep and worry about the day tomorrow, is how I developed a fear of sleeping.
I just hope this is it. I've earned this, after all this time I've earned this...
Thanks for reading, and to all those who have helped so far, even if it was just through moral support, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You've really helped to keep me going.
I just need to get a little further and make it to the finish line.
If you'd like to help me get there. Please consider donating. All donations go to bills and debts and food and medications, and any amount is helpful.
Thank you so much.
Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/kampferwolf
PayPal: https://paypal.me/KampferWolf
Cashapp: https://cash.app/$KampferWolf
I just recieved a letter with the date of my hearing for disability. It is in September, and while that is still a ways off, it's at least a concrete date I can look forward to. With a legal team backing me this time, and an insurmountable amount of evidence, I would hope I could achieve my much deserved disability after 5 long, grueling years.
Generally speaking. Things can still take time after the hearing, as there is a "determination" period, but from my experience it is at least less than just waiting for a court date. And with a legal team this time it may be quicker. With 5 years of back pay, at the rate I was being estimated (1200-1400 per month), I can legit pay off my car, my other debts, pay off who I owe, and have plenty of wiggle room to keep myself afloat for anything, which will give me all the peace of mind I'll ever need to begin an actual journey into real healing.
Exhausting is beyond what I could ever call this. And I can't wait to have this be over. I'll finally be able to just... Maybe relax for once. Or focus on everything else so I can eventually relax. The amount of stress and anxiety has been so crippling that I've been sometimes completely unable to move, and waking up from PTSD related nightmares and siezure aftermath, just to live out my life anxious constantly about everything else till sleep and worry about the day tomorrow, is how I developed a fear of sleeping.
I just hope this is it. I've earned this, after all this time I've earned this...
Thanks for reading, and to all those who have helped so far, even if it was just through moral support, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You've really helped to keep me going.
I just need to get a little further and make it to the finish line.
If you'd like to help me get there. Please consider donating. All donations go to bills and debts and food and medications, and any amount is helpful.
Thank you so much.
Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/kampferwolf
PayPal: https://paypal.me/KampferWolf
Cashapp: https://cash.app/$KampferWolf
Finally some good news
Posted a year agoI just got a letter in the mail about a court date in September. It's a few months off but with a legal team this time I should be able to get my Disability sorted finally after 5 fucking years.
I still need help till I get to that point, rather when they make their determination and I can start getting payments, but I'm just glad that I have a concrete date now. This has been so painful to deal with and I just want to go back to focusing on what matters. I want to go back to not being crippled by everything and work on life.
If anyone feels like contributing to helping me get there I could really use the help still, I love you all Regaurdless.
Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/kampferwolf
PayPal: https://paypal.me/KampferWolf
Cashapp: https://cash.app/$KampferWolf
I still need help till I get to that point, rather when they make their determination and I can start getting payments, but I'm just glad that I have a concrete date now. This has been so painful to deal with and I just want to go back to focusing on what matters. I want to go back to not being crippled by everything and work on life.
If anyone feels like contributing to helping me get there I could really use the help still, I love you all Regaurdless.
Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/kampferwolf
PayPal: https://paypal.me/KampferWolf
Cashapp: https://cash.app/$KampferWolf
I want to thank everyone again.
Posted a year agoWhile I'm still working on getting my funds together to pay bills as fight till my disability goes through, I just want to thank everyone who has been so supportive and patient during this time. I know this stuff isn't the easiest to watch and I'd rather my life never had been here. I've been vocal about how much I wanted my future to be different, to be a concept artist and so on. The admission of my limits is still something I am working on and if the time comes again that I take coms (AFTER all the past coms are taken care of) I'll be taking that stuff into account. What I could do is no longer possible, and I wanna go back to just making gift art to make people smile.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you all, save for the few people being unsavory. I am no proud of this and I dont need a reminder of how much I hate myself, you people can stop telling me that ok?
Anyway, I wanted to thank you all, save for the few people being unsavory. I am no proud of this and I dont need a reminder of how much I hate myself, you people can stop telling me that ok?
I'm fucking tired...
Posted a year agoThe nightmares of my financial situation continue to worsen as the lengthy process of perusing disability continue to be an issue.
I'm getting hit over and over with bills I cannot afford while battling with mental health issues I cannot hope to survive without medications that cripple my ability to even operate.
I'm so tired of this life I've been forced to live by a man that I outlived and I'm so tired of trying to glue together a life where the pieces are either too small to assemble or are no longer available to become a whole piece anymore.
Accepting this all as a permanent reality I cannot change is the shittiest thing I've ever felt in my life and I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
I hate always asking for help.
I hate not being able to catch up on coms.
I hate that shit is getting worse and worse and I just get to sit here watching everything fall apart and I have to pretend I want to be here so I don't have to worry people.
I want everything to be OK again...
I want to be able to draw frequently like I used to...
I want my fucking hands to work...
I want these nightmares and voices to stop...
I want my fucking life back...
I just want it all to hopefully be OK when disability hits.. I have to make it till then but I have to keep asking for help and I hate myself for it.
I just... Ask for everyone's forgiveness.. I know it's not fun watching this and honestly no one hates me more than myself...
I just want everything to be OK... I want my life to be OK... I just have to make it there to where it's hopefully gunna be OK....
And until then I just have to keep having to ask for help and feeling like shit doing it...
I've asked for so much from so many and I can't thank you all enough for your support, I'm so sorry I have to keep being here... I want this to end... Hopefully it does soon and I can get back onto recovery with everything else...
If you feel you can assist, I could really use any amount to catch up. Right this moment I need roughly $200 to ensure I get back into the positive.
If you can't, just.... Thank you for reading and being here. It does mean a lot that you'd take the time to read all this. I appreciate you all very much to no end.
I hope this can all be over soon.
Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/kampferwolf
PayPal: https://paypal.me/KampferWolf
Cashapp: https://cash.app/$KampferWolf
I'm getting hit over and over with bills I cannot afford while battling with mental health issues I cannot hope to survive without medications that cripple my ability to even operate.
I'm so tired of this life I've been forced to live by a man that I outlived and I'm so tired of trying to glue together a life where the pieces are either too small to assemble or are no longer available to become a whole piece anymore.
Accepting this all as a permanent reality I cannot change is the shittiest thing I've ever felt in my life and I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
I hate always asking for help.
I hate not being able to catch up on coms.
I hate that shit is getting worse and worse and I just get to sit here watching everything fall apart and I have to pretend I want to be here so I don't have to worry people.
I want everything to be OK again...
I want to be able to draw frequently like I used to...
I want my fucking hands to work...
I want these nightmares and voices to stop...
I want my fucking life back...
I just want it all to hopefully be OK when disability hits.. I have to make it till then but I have to keep asking for help and I hate myself for it.
I just... Ask for everyone's forgiveness.. I know it's not fun watching this and honestly no one hates me more than myself...
I just want everything to be OK... I want my life to be OK... I just have to make it there to where it's hopefully gunna be OK....
And until then I just have to keep having to ask for help and feeling like shit doing it...
I've asked for so much from so many and I can't thank you all enough for your support, I'm so sorry I have to keep being here... I want this to end... Hopefully it does soon and I can get back onto recovery with everything else...
If you feel you can assist, I could really use any amount to catch up. Right this moment I need roughly $200 to ensure I get back into the positive.
If you can't, just.... Thank you for reading and being here. It does mean a lot that you'd take the time to read all this. I appreciate you all very much to no end.
I hope this can all be over soon.
Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/kampferwolf
PayPal: https://paypal.me/KampferWolf
Cashapp: https://cash.app/$KampferWolf
Aroura second chance/Free prints
Posted a year agoSo if you missed out last night, there's a lighter version of the aurora hitting tonight in the northern areas of the US. Make sure to set your ISO above 1600 and keep your exposure low but your exposure time up.
You can't generally see these explosive colors with your own eyes but the cameras can, you might just see what looks like clouds. Look through your cameras preview.
Also, if you got a good picture last night or do tonight, Walgreens has been running a free 8x10 print promo for mothers day that happens to coincidence.
Code RAIN8X10 at checkout.
Good hunting.
You can't generally see these explosive colors with your own eyes but the cameras can, you might just see what looks like clouds. Look through your cameras preview.
Also, if you got a good picture last night or do tonight, Walgreens has been running a free 8x10 print promo for mothers day that happens to coincidence.
Code RAIN8X10 at checkout.
Good hunting.
Crisis Line Master Post (Discord Ready)
Posted a year agoIn light of the recent events unfolding in the furry and furry ASMR community, I'd like to share a master list of every single crisis line I could gather from every part of the globe. I was pretty meticulous so I'm not sure if anything is missing.
It's all ready for posting straight to Discord Servers with the formatting included. Please use it.
A link to a google doc incase this gets weird posting it this way is available at the bottom.
___________________________________
__**Argentina Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 911
- [Centro de Asistencia al Suicida](https://www.asistenciaalsuicida.org.ar/ayuda)
• In the greater Buenos Aires area, dial 135
• Otherwise, call 5275-1135 or 0800 345 1435
__**Australia Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 000
- [Lifeline Australia](https://www.lifeline.org.au/)
• Dial 13 11 14 for 24/7 crisis support
• Text 0477 13 11 14 for 24/7 text support
__**Austria Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency numbers: Dial 112 for emergencies (EU emergency number), 133 for police, 144 for an ambulance, and 122 for the fire brigade
- Emergency psychiatric hotline: 01 313 30; 24/7 support is available
- Suicide prevention hotline: 01 713 3374
- [Telefon Seelsorge](https://www.telefonseelsorge.at/)
• Dial 142 for 24/7 crisis support
• For online chat support, visit [Telefon Seelsorge's website](https://chat.onlineberatung-telefon.....sorge.at/hc/de); available from 4 pm to 11 pm Central European Time
__**Belgium Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: Dial 112 for emergencies (EU emergency number), 101 for police, and 100 for a medical emergency or the fire brigade
- [Zelfmoord 1813](https://www.zelfmoord1813.be/)
• Dial 1813 for 24/7 crisis support
• For online chat support, visit [Zelfmoord's website](https://www.zelfmoord1813.be/chat-m.....moordlijn-1813); available from 5:00 pm to 12am Central European Time
__**Canada Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 911
- [Talk Suicide Canada](https://988.ca/)
• Dial 1-833-456-4566 for 24/7 crisis support
• Text 45645 for text support; available 4 pm to midnight ET
- [In Quebec](https://suicide.ca/):
• Dial 1-866-APPELLE (277-3553) for 24/7 crisis support
• Text 535353 for 24/7 text support
• For 24/7 chat support, visit https://suicide.ca/
- [Kids Help Phone](https://kidshelpphone.ca/need-help-now-text-us/)
• 24/7 text support: Text CONNECT to 686868
__**Chile Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency numbers: Call 133 for police; call 131 for medical assistance
- Teléfono de la Esperanza
• Dial (00 56 42) 22 12 00
__**Denmark Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 112
- [Medical Helpline 1813](https://www.regionh.dk/english/Heal.....line-1813.aspx)
• For emergency medical help in the Capital Region of Denmark, dial 1813 on weekends, or after 4 pm Monday through Friday
- [Livslinien](https://www.livslinien.dk/)
• Call the crisis line at 70 201 201 every day.
• [Access online chat](https://www.livslinien.dk/raadgivni.....hatraadgivning) on Mondays and Thursdays between 5 pm and 9 pm, and on weekends between 1 pm and 5 pm.
- [Psykiatrifonden](https://psykiatrifonden.dk/)
• Access mental health support every day by calling 39 25 25 25
__**France Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 112
- National suicide prevention number: 3114
• 24/7 crisis support; visit [3114.fr](https://3114.fr/) to learn more
- [Suicide Écoute](https://www.suicide-ecoute.fr/)
• Dial 01 45 39 40 00 for 24/7 crisis support
- [SOS Suicide Phénix](https://sos-suicide-phenix.org/)
• Dial 01 40 44 46 45 for phone support between 1 pm and 11 pm Central European Time
__**Germany Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 112 (EU emergency number), 110 for police
- [TelefonSeelsorge](https://www.telefonseelsorge.de/)
• Dial 0800 111 0 111 or 0800 111 0 222 for 24/7 crisis support
• For chat or email support, visit [TelefonSeelsorge's website](https://online.telefonseelsorge.de/)
__**Hong Kong Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 999
- [The Samaritan Befrienders Hong Kong](https://sbhk.org.hk/?page_id=32063&lang=en)
• For 24/7 support, dial 2389 2222
• For English-language assistance, dial 2389 2223
• For online chat help, go to [chatpoint.org.hk](https://chatpoint.org.hk/#/home)
- [The Samaritans](https://samaritans.org.hk/]
• For 24/7 support, dial 2896 0000
__**Ireland Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 112 or 999
- [The Samaritans](https://www.samaritans.org/)
• Dial 116 123 for 24/7 mental health support
- [Mental Health Ireland](https://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/need-help-now/)
- [Text About It](https://www.textaboutit.ie/)
• For 24/7 text support, text 50808
• On smaller phone networks (such as An Post or 48), text HELLO to 0861800280
__**Mexico Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 911
- [Consejo Ciudadano](https://consejociudadanomx.org/index.php/es/)
• Dial 55 5533-5533 for 24/7 crisis support
__**New Zealand Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 111
- National mental health and addiction hotline: 1737
• Can be reached by phone or text; learn more at [1737.org.nz](https://1737.org.nz/about)
- [Lifeline Aotearoa](https://www.lifeline.org.nz/)
• Dial 0800 543 354 for 24/7 crisis support
• Dial 0508 828 865 for the suicide crisis helpline
• Text HELP to 4357 for 24/7 text support
__**Singapore Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 999 (police) or 995
- [The Samaritans of Singapore](https://www.sos.org.sg/)
• Dial 1767 for the 24/7 hotline
• WhatsApp 9151 1767 for 24/7 text support
__**South Africa Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency numbers: 10111 (police) or 10177 (ambulance)
- [South African Depression and Anxiety Group](https://www.sadag.org/)
• Dial 0800 567 567 for 24/7 crisis support
__**Spain Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency numbers: 112
- [Teléfono de la Esperanza](https://telefonodelaesperanza.org/)
• Dial 717 003 717 for 24/7 crisis support
__**Sweden Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 112
- [Mind Självmordslinjen](https://mind.se/hitta-hjalp/sjalvmordslinjen/)
• Dial 90101 for 24/7 phone support; in cases of acute crisis, call 112
• For online chat support, [visit Självmordslinjen's website](https://mind.se/chatt/)
__**Switzerland Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 112 (EU emergency number), 117 for police, 144 for ambulance
- [Die Dargebotene Hand](https://www.143.ch/)
• Dial 143 for 24/7 mental health support in German, French, and Italian
• For help in English, dial 0800 143 000 between 6 pm and 11 pm, or visit [heart2heart.143.ch](https://www.143.ch/en/)
• Online chat support is available in [German](https://www.143.ch/chat-deutschschweiz/), [French](https://www.143.ch/fr/chat-suisse-romandie/), and [Italian](https://www.143.ch/it/il-dialogo-sp.....andare-avanti/)
__**United Kingdom Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 999 or 112
- [The Samaritans](https://www.samaritans.org/)
• Dial 116 123 for 24/7 mental health support
- [Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM)](https://www.thecalmzone.net/)
• Dial 0800 58 58 58 for crisis support; available between 5 pm and midnight, BST or GMT
• Visit https://www.thecalmzone.net/ to access chat support
- [Shout](https://giveusashout.org/)
• Text SHOUT to 85258 for 24/7 text support
__**United States Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 911
- Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988
• Accessible by phone or text
• 24/7 support in English or Spanish
• 24/7 support for deaf or hard-of-hearing individuals; learn more at [988lifeline.org](https://988lifeline.org/help-yourse.....rd-of-hearing/). For TTY Users: Use your preferred relay service or dial 711 then 988
• Online chat: Visit https://988lifeline.org/chat/
- [Crisis Text Line](https://www.crisistextline.org/)
• 24/7 text support: Text HOME to 741741
https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....Wg/mobilebasic
It's all ready for posting straight to Discord Servers with the formatting included. Please use it.
A link to a google doc incase this gets weird posting it this way is available at the bottom.
___________________________________
__**Argentina Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 911
- [Centro de Asistencia al Suicida](https://www.asistenciaalsuicida.org.ar/ayuda)
• In the greater Buenos Aires area, dial 135
• Otherwise, call 5275-1135 or 0800 345 1435
__**Australia Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 000
- [Lifeline Australia](https://www.lifeline.org.au/)
• Dial 13 11 14 for 24/7 crisis support
• Text 0477 13 11 14 for 24/7 text support
__**Austria Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency numbers: Dial 112 for emergencies (EU emergency number), 133 for police, 144 for an ambulance, and 122 for the fire brigade
- Emergency psychiatric hotline: 01 313 30; 24/7 support is available
- Suicide prevention hotline: 01 713 3374
- [Telefon Seelsorge](https://www.telefonseelsorge.at/)
• Dial 142 for 24/7 crisis support
• For online chat support, visit [Telefon Seelsorge's website](https://chat.onlineberatung-telefon.....sorge.at/hc/de); available from 4 pm to 11 pm Central European Time
__**Belgium Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: Dial 112 for emergencies (EU emergency number), 101 for police, and 100 for a medical emergency or the fire brigade
- [Zelfmoord 1813](https://www.zelfmoord1813.be/)
• Dial 1813 for 24/7 crisis support
• For online chat support, visit [Zelfmoord's website](https://www.zelfmoord1813.be/chat-m.....moordlijn-1813); available from 5:00 pm to 12am Central European Time
__**Canada Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 911
- [Talk Suicide Canada](https://988.ca/)
• Dial 1-833-456-4566 for 24/7 crisis support
• Text 45645 for text support; available 4 pm to midnight ET
- [In Quebec](https://suicide.ca/):
• Dial 1-866-APPELLE (277-3553) for 24/7 crisis support
• Text 535353 for 24/7 text support
• For 24/7 chat support, visit https://suicide.ca/
- [Kids Help Phone](https://kidshelpphone.ca/need-help-now-text-us/)
• 24/7 text support: Text CONNECT to 686868
__**Chile Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency numbers: Call 133 for police; call 131 for medical assistance
- Teléfono de la Esperanza
• Dial (00 56 42) 22 12 00
__**Denmark Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 112
- [Medical Helpline 1813](https://www.regionh.dk/english/Heal.....line-1813.aspx)
• For emergency medical help in the Capital Region of Denmark, dial 1813 on weekends, or after 4 pm Monday through Friday
- [Livslinien](https://www.livslinien.dk/)
• Call the crisis line at 70 201 201 every day.
• [Access online chat](https://www.livslinien.dk/raadgivni.....hatraadgivning) on Mondays and Thursdays between 5 pm and 9 pm, and on weekends between 1 pm and 5 pm.
- [Psykiatrifonden](https://psykiatrifonden.dk/)
• Access mental health support every day by calling 39 25 25 25
__**France Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 112
- National suicide prevention number: 3114
• 24/7 crisis support; visit [3114.fr](https://3114.fr/) to learn more
- [Suicide Écoute](https://www.suicide-ecoute.fr/)
• Dial 01 45 39 40 00 for 24/7 crisis support
- [SOS Suicide Phénix](https://sos-suicide-phenix.org/)
• Dial 01 40 44 46 45 for phone support between 1 pm and 11 pm Central European Time
__**Germany Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 112 (EU emergency number), 110 for police
- [TelefonSeelsorge](https://www.telefonseelsorge.de/)
• Dial 0800 111 0 111 or 0800 111 0 222 for 24/7 crisis support
• For chat or email support, visit [TelefonSeelsorge's website](https://online.telefonseelsorge.de/)
__**Hong Kong Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 999
- [The Samaritan Befrienders Hong Kong](https://sbhk.org.hk/?page_id=32063&lang=en)
• For 24/7 support, dial 2389 2222
• For English-language assistance, dial 2389 2223
• For online chat help, go to [chatpoint.org.hk](https://chatpoint.org.hk/#/home)
- [The Samaritans](https://samaritans.org.hk/]
• For 24/7 support, dial 2896 0000
__**Ireland Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 112 or 999
- [The Samaritans](https://www.samaritans.org/)
• Dial 116 123 for 24/7 mental health support
- [Mental Health Ireland](https://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/need-help-now/)
- [Text About It](https://www.textaboutit.ie/)
• For 24/7 text support, text 50808
• On smaller phone networks (such as An Post or 48), text HELLO to 0861800280
__**Mexico Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 911
- [Consejo Ciudadano](https://consejociudadanomx.org/index.php/es/)
• Dial 55 5533-5533 for 24/7 crisis support
__**New Zealand Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 111
- National mental health and addiction hotline: 1737
• Can be reached by phone or text; learn more at [1737.org.nz](https://1737.org.nz/about)
- [Lifeline Aotearoa](https://www.lifeline.org.nz/)
• Dial 0800 543 354 for 24/7 crisis support
• Dial 0508 828 865 for the suicide crisis helpline
• Text HELP to 4357 for 24/7 text support
__**Singapore Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 999 (police) or 995
- [The Samaritans of Singapore](https://www.sos.org.sg/)
• Dial 1767 for the 24/7 hotline
• WhatsApp 9151 1767 for 24/7 text support
__**South Africa Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency numbers: 10111 (police) or 10177 (ambulance)
- [South African Depression and Anxiety Group](https://www.sadag.org/)
• Dial 0800 567 567 for 24/7 crisis support
__**Spain Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency numbers: 112
- [Teléfono de la Esperanza](https://telefonodelaesperanza.org/)
• Dial 717 003 717 for 24/7 crisis support
__**Sweden Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 112
- [Mind Självmordslinjen](https://mind.se/hitta-hjalp/sjalvmordslinjen/)
• Dial 90101 for 24/7 phone support; in cases of acute crisis, call 112
• For online chat support, [visit Självmordslinjen's website](https://mind.se/chatt/)
__**Switzerland Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 112 (EU emergency number), 117 for police, 144 for ambulance
- [Die Dargebotene Hand](https://www.143.ch/)
• Dial 143 for 24/7 mental health support in German, French, and Italian
• For help in English, dial 0800 143 000 between 6 pm and 11 pm, or visit [heart2heart.143.ch](https://www.143.ch/en/)
• Online chat support is available in [German](https://www.143.ch/chat-deutschschweiz/), [French](https://www.143.ch/fr/chat-suisse-romandie/), and [Italian](https://www.143.ch/it/il-dialogo-sp.....andare-avanti/)
__**United Kingdom Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 999 or 112
- [The Samaritans](https://www.samaritans.org/)
• Dial 116 123 for 24/7 mental health support
- [Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM)](https://www.thecalmzone.net/)
• Dial 0800 58 58 58 for crisis support; available between 5 pm and midnight, BST or GMT
• Visit https://www.thecalmzone.net/ to access chat support
- [Shout](https://giveusashout.org/)
• Text SHOUT to 85258 for 24/7 text support
__**United States Suicide Prevention Resources**__
- National emergency number: 911
- Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988
• Accessible by phone or text
• 24/7 support in English or Spanish
• 24/7 support for deaf or hard-of-hearing individuals; learn more at [988lifeline.org](https://988lifeline.org/help-yourse.....rd-of-hearing/). For TTY Users: Use your preferred relay service or dial 711 then 988
• Online chat: Visit https://988lifeline.org/chat/
- [Crisis Text Line](https://www.crisistextline.org/)
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https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....Wg/mobilebasic
Some Updates/General Thoughts
Posted a year agoCom Updates - I'll keep the important part simple for those of you I owe art to, please continue to keep in contact with me while I work on things. I have not forgotten you even while I'm fighting to keep afloat with my mental health and everything else, I'm always here to be upfront and honest. My own personal work was never finished either due to all this stuff and I can't really even know where to begin with explaining it all, so I'll do my best. Things have been worked on slowly, just not nearly as fast as I'd like with all the other things going on.
Mental Health - With how things are right now, I'm basically the one taking care of the home, and the mental health of others I live with and some people that need it that can't afford/are unable to see their own therapist. No, I'm not a licensed therapist. I am suggesting they see a professional and I'm not trying to imply I'm a replacement. I am however a lot of people's current support though. While this effects my own health, I also have a problem letting people down. It's my own problem to work through and I'm trying to do that as well. Being in a couple's therapist for my household and being singled out for still being completely unable to even remotely do any sort of self-mental care is upsetting. All I know how to do is give other people more reason to live than me, that was what gave me a reason to continue and trying to break that cycle feels fucking impossible.
I'm sure I could be better at all this, maybe others can be. I feel too beaten down with everything else at this point that I don't know how to do all this anymore. I'm sure the usual detractor will come by and tell me how much of a pile of shit I am, and I have no idea why they have such an issue with me considering they will not take up my offer to talk about why I need to ask for assistance. I'd like to think that criticism is fair coming from all places, but this just seems toxic and unearned.
Donations/Financial Assistance - My disability situation is... moving slowly. I'm still waiting to hear about a hearing with the attorneys, and I've had a few CCs between the two, but that's roughly it. They tell me things are on track, it's just a waiting game. So until then, I'll, unfortunately, still need help. If you feel you can without placing yourself in any financial stress, I'd really appreciate any help anyone can give. If I owe you work and feel like this is unfair for me to ask for financial aid while owing art, honestly, I want to give everyone their stuff back right now and make it go away to make the stress end but I can't. I dislike having to ask for help every single time and it makes me want to just fucking curl up and die whenever I have to ask for help. I hate this. I want this to go away. But I keep getting told to ask for help because it's ok to do. Then I get yelled at for it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore, aside from try and make it until disability goes through. Again, I'm sure I'm going to get my usual dude coming by and telling me I'm a piece of shit. I already feel like one dude. Trust me.
My original idea with everything was to have a normal job where I could actually donate money to people in my position and not need to do commissions at all and just draw for fun, just draw for people to make them happy. If somehow things happen I still want that. I don't like the idea of owing people anything, especially when I've been forced into a position where it's become hard to pay them back.
To all those I owe things to, thank you so much for your patience. To all those who have helped me with bills and food, thank you. Thank you all for your support.
If you'd like to help me keep going, till I get my disability and get things stable again, I'd really appreciate any and all donations I could get. Anything that gets sent goes directly to paying insurance, car payments, National Debt Relief, gas, food, and rent. The amount needed per month is roughly $1400 to keep stable, until the National Debt Relief is paid down, and the Car can be refinanced (the exact amount averages I think was $1356 or something I was just rounding up cause food/gas prices).
Thank you all so much for reading, I hope to get things back on track soon.
Stay safe, and healthy, and try to keep yourself relaxed in these times.
-Kampfer
Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/kampferwolf
PayPal: https://paypal.me/KampferWolf
Cashapp: https://cash.app/$KampferWolf
Mental Health - With how things are right now, I'm basically the one taking care of the home, and the mental health of others I live with and some people that need it that can't afford/are unable to see their own therapist. No, I'm not a licensed therapist. I am suggesting they see a professional and I'm not trying to imply I'm a replacement. I am however a lot of people's current support though. While this effects my own health, I also have a problem letting people down. It's my own problem to work through and I'm trying to do that as well. Being in a couple's therapist for my household and being singled out for still being completely unable to even remotely do any sort of self-mental care is upsetting. All I know how to do is give other people more reason to live than me, that was what gave me a reason to continue and trying to break that cycle feels fucking impossible.
I'm sure I could be better at all this, maybe others can be. I feel too beaten down with everything else at this point that I don't know how to do all this anymore. I'm sure the usual detractor will come by and tell me how much of a pile of shit I am, and I have no idea why they have such an issue with me considering they will not take up my offer to talk about why I need to ask for assistance. I'd like to think that criticism is fair coming from all places, but this just seems toxic and unearned.
Donations/Financial Assistance - My disability situation is... moving slowly. I'm still waiting to hear about a hearing with the attorneys, and I've had a few CCs between the two, but that's roughly it. They tell me things are on track, it's just a waiting game. So until then, I'll, unfortunately, still need help. If you feel you can without placing yourself in any financial stress, I'd really appreciate any help anyone can give. If I owe you work and feel like this is unfair for me to ask for financial aid while owing art, honestly, I want to give everyone their stuff back right now and make it go away to make the stress end but I can't. I dislike having to ask for help every single time and it makes me want to just fucking curl up and die whenever I have to ask for help. I hate this. I want this to go away. But I keep getting told to ask for help because it's ok to do. Then I get yelled at for it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore, aside from try and make it until disability goes through. Again, I'm sure I'm going to get my usual dude coming by and telling me I'm a piece of shit. I already feel like one dude. Trust me.
My original idea with everything was to have a normal job where I could actually donate money to people in my position and not need to do commissions at all and just draw for fun, just draw for people to make them happy. If somehow things happen I still want that. I don't like the idea of owing people anything, especially when I've been forced into a position where it's become hard to pay them back.
To all those I owe things to, thank you so much for your patience. To all those who have helped me with bills and food, thank you. Thank you all for your support.
If you'd like to help me keep going, till I get my disability and get things stable again, I'd really appreciate any and all donations I could get. Anything that gets sent goes directly to paying insurance, car payments, National Debt Relief, gas, food, and rent. The amount needed per month is roughly $1400 to keep stable, until the National Debt Relief is paid down, and the Car can be refinanced (the exact amount averages I think was $1356 or something I was just rounding up cause food/gas prices).
Thank you all so much for reading, I hope to get things back on track soon.
Stay safe, and healthy, and try to keep yourself relaxed in these times.
-Kampfer
Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/kampferwolf
PayPal: https://paypal.me/KampferWolf
Cashapp: https://cash.app/$KampferWolf
Personal rant.
Posted a year agoSome people know this, but I draw literally every day. It doesn't always go far, but I try. My hands don't always cooperate anymore due to a lot of reasons, I've been vocal about it in the past. It's so infuriating that I can't just get them to work. I can create things that make people happy, and it used to be a lot more regular.
I know stress and anxiety makes this worse, and that's why i need that disability to go through, but I don't know when that's happening. I guess I just wanted to post this to say that I'm always working on coms, I haven't forgot about anyone, but I don't want to give anyone something that isn't something I think is my best. It's not fair, especially after a wait.
I just want these dumb fucking hands to work for my sometimes. This weird disconnect lag issue.. This latency... It's fucking horrible. I just want my abilities to come back somehow, but I don't know if that can happen. Until then, I will keep working the best I can.
Thank you all for your patience and understanding. And thank anyone who has donated to help me stay afloat. I should say it more often, and I honestly feel like fucking shit even needing to be in this spot and needing to ask. I always wanted to be in the opposite spot, giving out the money to those who needed it.
Idk. I'm tired and I always need help until then. I have to feel like pain until things clear up.
I'm sorry for those I've disappointed.
I know stress and anxiety makes this worse, and that's why i need that disability to go through, but I don't know when that's happening. I guess I just wanted to post this to say that I'm always working on coms, I haven't forgot about anyone, but I don't want to give anyone something that isn't something I think is my best. It's not fair, especially after a wait.
I just want these dumb fucking hands to work for my sometimes. This weird disconnect lag issue.. This latency... It's fucking horrible. I just want my abilities to come back somehow, but I don't know if that can happen. Until then, I will keep working the best I can.
Thank you all for your patience and understanding. And thank anyone who has donated to help me stay afloat. I should say it more often, and I honestly feel like fucking shit even needing to be in this spot and needing to ask. I always wanted to be in the opposite spot, giving out the money to those who needed it.
Idk. I'm tired and I always need help until then. I have to feel like pain until things clear up.
I'm sorry for those I've disappointed.
You are wonderful
Posted a year agoThis Wednesday, I'd like to ask that everyone take a moment to appreciate just how far they have come. Despite all the crazy shit in the world, all the ongoing issues, from wars to political conflicts, and from Alt-right fanatics to shootings. It's been rough. On everyone.
We are fighting this endless battle of loss and suffering, and it's going to continue for the foreseeable future as we continue to fight against it.
But we need to stay strong, and I know we can. We can because we are still here to keep fighting. We've been through so much to get this far and some of us have found more about ourselves along the way. We've found love and passion, purpose and strength, to continue to fight for and with. We've found ourselves more reason to fight in the middle of this hellscape world we live in.
That's how I know we got this. That's how I know tenacity of those who truely care will win out. It won't come free, and won't come easy, but it will come and we will have a better world for it.
Just keep up the fight. Love will win out. We need only to continue to fight for it.
Keep going, you got this.
You are wonderful.
We are fighting this endless battle of loss and suffering, and it's going to continue for the foreseeable future as we continue to fight against it.
But we need to stay strong, and I know we can. We can because we are still here to keep fighting. We've been through so much to get this far and some of us have found more about ourselves along the way. We've found love and passion, purpose and strength, to continue to fight for and with. We've found ourselves more reason to fight in the middle of this hellscape world we live in.
That's how I know we got this. That's how I know tenacity of those who truely care will win out. It won't come free, and won't come easy, but it will come and we will have a better world for it.
Just keep up the fight. Love will win out. We need only to continue to fight for it.
Keep going, you got this.
You are wonderful.
A special thank you
Posted a year agoAn incredibly kind and generous person donated enough to get me all the supplies I need to get our gecko sprinkles into a better setup with some vitamins and such to help with her condition. Let's hope it all works.
While they don't generally want their charity announced, please thank them.
I still need tons of help with bills, but I wanted to put this out there as a personal thank you for directly helping to help take care of our gecko. You don't know how much this little creature means to our home. It's not really even just a pet, she's unquantifiably special because of who owned her before.
Thank you so, so much.
While they don't generally want their charity announced, please thank them.
I still need tons of help with bills, but I wanted to put this out there as a personal thank you for directly helping to help take care of our gecko. You don't know how much this little creature means to our home. It's not really even just a pet, she's unquantifiably special because of who owned her before.
Thank you so, so much.
Updates/Server Closure/End of Year
Posted 2 years agoSo, this is going to be a long one.
I'd first off like to thank everyone for hanging in there and staying with me through all my mental health issues. Things have been hard, Disability is dragging, things keep getting harder and harder and I keep feeling like I should give up. I'm trying to fight that feeling but it's constantly weighing on me. There's a lot I'll be talking about here, and I'll try to separate it into areas. Some of it will be obvious, and some wont. So, I'll make them easy to follow if you'd like to look through.
If you'd like a quick TL; DR, a lot of crap has been happening all of 2023, and it is by far one of the worst years of my life. I've never felt so glad for it to be over but so falsely known that a calendar day changes nothing. My future is uncertain, and I feel hopeless and helpless. I'm going to keep going how I can and keep getting past commissions done as much as I can. I don't intend to leave anyone hanging, do not worry.
Financial Struggles
This is an obvious one, but as I continue to fight for my disability, I am always in need of assistance. The beginning of the year includes things like car tags, which from what I can see is just under $400. With the car payment, rent, National Debt Relief, and other things, I'm looking at just under $2000 to cover this new month. It's a lot to ask for, and as always I'm sorry I have to ask for help. I always feel bad but it's all I can do without making promises about commissions and never being able to fulfill them. The last thing I want to do is be one of those artists that DOES take money and run. I'll never be that. I want to keep working how I can and keep going all I can. I've had some amazing help from people and I cannot thank them enough, I wish by now I could be out of this but SSA doesn't like to cooperate. I hope this year is the year. I have meetings coming up sometime in the next two months with a judge but with a legal team this time. I hope this is the turning point.
Anyone able to help, please consider donating to help keep me going. You have no idea how much I'd appreciate it.
Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/kampferwolf
PayPal: https://paypal.me/KampferWolf
Cashapp: https://cash.app/$KampferWolf
Brother-in-Law Passing
CW: Drugs, abuse, suicide
On Friday, December 8th, I received a call from my brother. This is unusual, I NEVER get a call from him. He was trying to get a hold of my mom and hadn't been able to. So, I tried her, and managed to get them connected. I got a call back from my mom to hear some troubling news.
My brother was an emergency contact for his nephew and was called by the school letting him know that the child was not picked up from school. My brother picked them up and dropped them off at their mom's place. My Brother-in-Law and his wife had divorced, and they had shared custody, the child is only 6 years old. My brother went to check on him at his home, and found him in the bathroom, overdosed. He had been there for somewhere between 8-14 hours, they weren't sure yet as an investigation is still going, but it appears due to everything that it was a suicide. He has always had drug and alcohol issues, along with anger issues and depression he was refusing to get checked out. There was a note for his son which both apologized to him and blamed his ex-wife, which was about what we expected.
Still, this was a familiar sight. Drug abuse, alcoholism, suicide, there's are all things that are so close to home and this time I got to see someone care about their child. It was a different ending to the story I got for my own dad. It's weird to think about, even after almost a month. So much else has happened that I've yet to process it entirely. We are still waiting for a full report, then likely I will be heading back to Colorado for a funeral.
Loss of a Sister
While I don't have a biological sister, I've had someone as close to one as I'd ever had. Her name was Rumo, and I'm writing this section knowing I'm going to feel terrible while I do it. I think part of this is less about letting people know, and more about finally just saying what I need to.
I met Rumo through a Destiny 2 clan, and we hit it off rather quickly. It wasn't long after that she would come to me with something very sensitive. It turned out that she was trans and had no idea how to navigate things with coming out, transitioning medically, letting friends know or even if it was just some off feeling. For a few weeks we talked, and this was how we really truly connected. Eventually, the time came that she came out and to her surprised, everyone was so excited to meet her. And I was so proud of her. She lived in California and was able to start getting care, under some secret with her mom. The rest of her family, aside from one sibling, didn't know, so misgendering was obviously hard to deal with. As time grew though, we'd learn that things would get a lot more complex. She would eventually move here to Minnesota, and we'd find that Rumo was not alone.
Rumo was accompanied by 3 others, though she didn't know at the time. As the chaos of life calmed down from before, the voices inside were able to speak up, and we'd learn that she was part of a System. It so happened that randomly, I had learned about a lot of this out of sheer curiosity about 3-4 months prior, and I was able to give them some answers on what they were experiencing. The next few months would be helping to navigate who was who, names, roles, and how they could communicate. Needless to say, this takes a massive toll on anyone, especially someone who was already dealing with a lot of mental anguish. Not long after things were starting to get really bad, another alter had formed. This one was ironically named "Delta", despite being the 5th. She is a very strong and sure alter that was ready to take on everything, basically exactly what the system needed. With that, however, Rumo began to lose herself.
She felt herself begin to fade, losing some of the memories she did have, while having clarity in other ways. We weren't sure if this was a panic attack type thing or if this was truly her fading. We were scared, and one night, Rumo went off by herself, and wrote a goodbye letter to us in her journal. It was hard to read, like she was falling away while writing it. After this, we tried to wait to see if maybe there was a sign of her, but any sign has been gone. I've talked to Delta and the rest of the system a few times, and mentioned it to closer friends, about how I feel like I let her down when she needed me. I know I couldn't have stopped it, but I wish I could have been there to hold her in her final moments. The idea of her going in fear and being alone destroys me. It sounds like she wanted to be alone, but it still hurts. None of us are really doing well with it. We keep putting on faces like we are getting better with it, but we keep lying to ourselves and we admitted that the other night.
This is by far one of the most difficult things I've ever delt with, and I'm watching the whole system struggle, especially Delta, with memories that weren't originally theirs, and a loss of a part of them. I don't know what to do and I'm scared, on top of all the other things stressing me out.
I'll always be your sister Rumo, and I'll continue to be a sister to your head mates. I love them all too, and I'll take care of them just as I did you.
I love you, dear sister.
Server Closure
As some of you may be aware, I've had a Discord server going for a few years now, since 2018. It has been known as Kamp's Camp, and it's been a place built around community over anything else. Its origin is from a Telegram group I had started a year or so before, known simply as "Chillzone", where I wanted people to have a safe place to come find a home and comfort when they need it. The idea is to be that "couch" you plop into after work, where you have a few friends also chilling and you all just vege out and talk about what's going on in life if you need to. The move to Discord was to allow for other opportunities, like posting art and having other rooms, just to spread things out. The main idea was to keep it focused on that concept of being that "Chillzone" concept. We had a lot of people join, and honestly a lot of cool things happened there. We had TC come and we co-ran their Paw Post stuff, gaming events, and our most popular has always been getting yearly group banners.
However, this also drew some drama, people that came to cause issues. It also became far, far more than what it was intended to be. It became a fetish server. I don't have issues with fetish servers, I'm already in a few that you are probably in. The problem is this isn't what I wanted. Quickly, the server went from what I loved, to a failure in my eyes. Now, the server has mostly stagnated, a shade of its former self, and it's time to see my failure be gone. We are, however, moving everything over to a sister server, where I can take what I wanted to keep out and keep that going in a server that can have everything else going. Invites are only open for those moving over right now, but that might change in the future. It's just sort of an "end of an era" thing, and if you see Kamp's Camp gone, you know why.
End of the Year/Entering 2024
To cap this off, I just want to thank you all for being so patient with me. A lot more has happened than this, but these are some major highlights that I can think about right now that hasn't actually been mentioned yet. These things happened literally within the past month, and the entire last year was filled with crap like this. I've lost so many friends due to their inner demons, the stresses of medical issues and finances, and my own mental degradation. I want 2024 to be the turning point for all of it. I want this to be the year Disability goes through. I want this to be the year that my coms are all cleared out and I can draw for fun again. I want to go see the Aurora Borealis, which is at this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, but is unfortunately not localized entirely within my kitchen.
I want this to be the different year. I just need to survive a little longer to see it. And I'd love to see you there, whether you're able to support me financially to get me there, or just enjoy my work and help remind me that people like what I do.
I love you all, I'll see you all as the year moves forward.
--Auri "Kampfer" WolfTrip/Feelings/Thoughts [CW:SUICIDE/ABUSE/ALCOHOL]
Posted 2 years agoI've spent the past day trying to figure out what to write. The trip I took was... it was a lot.
This all contains talk of Depression, Suicide, and a lot of other stuff. Do not read if you are sensitive to it, though I will say I promise thing’s are stable right now.
As many of you know, I suffer from a couple of different things, including Depression, severe Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar, Depersonalization-derealization Disorder, and more. After the death of my father, the reason most of these things exist, a lot of things became far more difficult than I first realized they ever would be. An example of these things would be an increase in seizures brought on by the PTSD, only serving to amplify the derealization issues I’d face moving forward.
roy7x_ has helped to create a more comfortable environment to help with things, and knows how to assist when needed, and TinderFox 
ThatGayIndigoFox for his tender care despite being at a distance, but nothing seems to help actually stop these incidents from happening.
The man that has passed away has moved from being dead to being very much alive. I’m aware he is dead, but he somehow feels very much there sometimes. It’s like he never died, and it causes more PTSD attacks to occur. And to compound on these things, times that I seem to experience moments where things remind me of the past, like a road that reminds me of a place in Colorado, I can start to have a slight reality shift.
You can see where this is all going now.
If it wasn’t enough that these things were happening, I was also going to be going to meet my family for the first time, for real. The last time I had gone, I was not myself. This was pre-Covid, I wore a different face. I was a lie; the person I always was told I was. This was the time I was coming as me. I was showing up with my face, as me for the first time. They were meeting me for the first time ever. All of this, and I only had 4 days. There were people I’d like to see, but would they accept me? I’d be staying with my mom and my stepdad, who are having a hard time with gendering and naming, but its hard considering how long they’ve known me as someone else. Same goes for my brother and his family. It was going to be a lot. And with so many familiar faces, places, and more, how would it effect the more sensitive mental issues?
Turned out… A lot…
On the way back, we flew through a storm. An electrical storm, more specifically. It was a lightshow, and the plane was shaky to say the least. The flight was at night, fairly late, at around 10pm. The cabin lights were dim, and looking out the window showed something that would make the 4th of July blush. Once it was over, and we cleared the clouds, it was… like something I’d only ever seen in a dream. Smooth white clouds, like a sea of snow, accompanied by a cool white full moon. It was a soft blue, but only a hint, nearly monotone. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the words to describe how awesome it looked, cause the picture I took could never capture it through the weird windows they have.
It was such a… great ending to an otherwise troubling trip. It seemed good while I was there, but I was bothered the whole time, and I couldn’t tell what it was until I saw the moon and the clouds, that surreal ending to the trip.
When we were young, my dad had, in his chemically altered state, decided to hit my brother and I. It was one of my first memories other than being reminded of how worthless my life was. My dad had broken a branch from a tree he was cutting and blamed it on us. I saw the fear in my brother’s eyes and heard him scream when he was hit. With the knowledge that my life meant so little, I had decided that it would be better served as a shield. I couldn’t stop everything, and my father understood what I was doing. I was to become the plaything, and he made me everything he needed me to be. I’d be his toy, to hit, and to abuse in every form you can imagine. And after he realized why I had done it, he threatened to kill my mother and brother if I ever stopped or told anyone.
Like many trans kids, I was fairly aware of the uneasy feelings of my body around the ages of 8-9. To say I was treading a fine line was incredibly accurate already though. I had already had a gun to my head several times, been battered and bruised, and thrown from a vehicle. He didn’t need a new reason to kill me, and in turn hurt my mom and brother. My whole existence already was to protect them. So, I had to hide that, like many other things. So, life continued, until it was safe. I knew that by the time that they were safe, my life would not have much to salvage. That either meant that by the time they would be safe, I’d we would have to end each other, or Id take care of him, then myself. There wasn’t much intention on continuing from there. That was why around my teenage years I had already started adopting so much suicidal tendencies, then suddenly stopped. I had made a deal with myself: we make it through to the end of their story, then we end ours can end, along with his. I began to drink, illegally, to forget what I could, it was a matter of staying alive until I could finish things.
Fast forward, I am 22 years old. A moment comes, I am about to head to work. My mom calls me upstairs, to see my father had once again pretended to overdose, by taking some of his many narcotics and writing another note. It was more baiting from him, and he had done this many times. The note, next to the very guns he had placed against my forehead ever since I was 7, was scribbled like a drunk 4-year-old. I told her to call the hospital and have him removed. She was ready to once again brush it off, we were used to police telling us they were never going to do anything until it was too late. But maybe with an overdose threat, the paramedics would take him. I told her to call, or I would end it. I was ready to do it, finally. She saw that, and quickly called. As she left, I took that very same .44, and placed it against the same place he would on me. It would have been so easy, and it would have been over. It was loaded, as always. It wouldn’t be a threat on a counter otherwise. Hammer back, finger over, I never fired. I still always wonder what would have happened if I had.
Apparently, it would have been considered self defense at that point, but would I be here? It would have been a completed objective, with one other to complete the mission. With two rounds in the chamber, one for me and my mother at the time, it was all I needed to complete the deal I made with myself. Would it have ended there? I’ll never know. Instead, the paramedics came, and we filed for restraining orders, which he broke multiple times, and the police did nothing about, only solidifying my hatred of law enforcement. Time moved on, my mother got remarried, my brother started his own family, and I moved to Minnesota. There were a few attempts on myself during this time, as it was clear the pact I made was never to be fulfilled now, but things leveled out. However, things took more strange turns.
After I had moved, and settled in Minnesota, I had finally found more peace and decided I could finally pull my mask off. I would no longer be the one I was told I was, and be who was hiding behind the face they saw. Auri would be born, me, I could live as me, and I was going to be happier as me. With it, I found support in places I never thought I would, and over time family started to accept it, leading up to my eventual trip. But before all that happened, things were getting worse mentally. Dad had finally died, by his own hubris even. And what should have been wonderful, was the beginning of the largest downfall of my mental health to ever occur. He stopped texting and stopped being a threat in real life. He began to haunt me in other was. At first, that occasional memory, then that shadow, then that brand of cigarette making me think he’s here. Now, I’ll just see him in a crowd, hear his voice, and sometimes he just is standing behind me, mocking me. A dead man with more power than he ever did when he was alive. Eventually I began to drink more heavily again, like I used to, and it all broke free. A PTSD trip that would unlock everything and start a cycle of never-ending horrors.
So, how does this all correlate to my trip? The trip was… well as a trip it was nice. I had a birthday, I turned 33. My family all came to meet me for the first time. They fumbled pronouns but they were all so supportive. I told my mom a little more about what happened between myself and my dad, so that she can understand why I’m so… damaged. My mom gave me an HRT shot, I gave her a Blahaj as a thank you, I met one of my closest friends ever, Tessa, and some old co-workers to show them who I truly am while going incognito and surprising them. I had a seizure in front of my mom and brother, but they were awesome about it. I saw everything change; Colorado is vastly different after 5 years. There’s so much more LGBTQ+ acceptance there now, and people seem so much happier. Everyone seemed happier. Everyone. Everyone…
Everyone but me. Going back… I realized just how the world around me changed, like it just didn’t matter I had left. Hell, like me leaving, everyone had done better. Obviously, I didn’t have an impact on the entire state but like… my family, my friends… It just… They truly did move on without me there. They care still, and I’m grateful, but if we go back to my deal… “when he’s gone, and they are safe…”, and how I was never “meant to be here this long.” Then as we rose from a rocky ride from a lightshow of lightning and thunder to one of the most surreal nights I’ve ever witnessed in my life, feeling like I’m gliding effortlessly over a sea of snow in in the glow of a full moon, I look back at how I spent my life making sure all I’ve done my whole life is ensure my brother and mom got their happy endings, and seem to be there, or at least get to be on that path.
And I’m here, weightless now, not sure what’s happening anymore, watching my attempts at a better life constantly fall through. On my way to the plane, I got news that my Disability once again was denied despite all the work done, and that it was pushed to a “Denied” status less than 2 days after its 4-month medical evaluation, meaning some jerk eating a 5-dollar footlong probably didn’t even look at it and is paid to only hit reject on everything. Then I had half my medications taken from me at the TSA at DIA, which I had brought with me from Minnesota, but for some reason it was a problem heading back. It will take time to get it back but till then I won’t have a few things needed for stability, and it’s not going to be easy.
These things seem to happen on a day-to-day basis, so much so that its just sort of normal now. And I must continue to ask for assistance simply because I am doing what was recommended of my medical team. I get to deal with traumas that won’t be leaving my life any time soon, while dealing with financial issues that I can’t simply have a job to fix, as normal jobs are so far out of the realm of possible with these limitations that no one can accommodate it.
All I do now, is think back to that fork in the road of my life, where things could have changed. I want to keep living, I have a lot to do here, and a lot of people I care about to make sure they get their happy endings as well. But it’s… also strange to think about how I was never meant to be here either. And life seems to want to enforce that for me sometimes. Whether it be with how my luck plays out, with how I get treated, or by showing me just how people are well off without me. I always used to say I like to play the part of the person behind the curtain, the one that helps from the shadow and is easily forgotten, and it seems like I’ve done that pretty well in a few cases. I’ve basically kept my family alive and protected them enough to get them to where they are now by being their unseen shield. My therapist has asked me if I regret it before, and I don’t know if I can ever give a real answer to it.
Part of me wants to say no, because my mission was successful, and they are safe. Part of me feels like they treat me like I never did anything for them, and it feels rather harmful to feel like I never did anything for them, when I gave so much, but they can’t really know. It’s… difficult. Revealing everything to anyone at this point is rather pointless, as all it does is make me feel worse, and causes them to feel like they did nothing to help, causing them to feel worse and making me feel worse for making them feel worse. It doesn’t solve anything anymore, other than to harm, so for these things, its better to have it all die with me, never having it down anywhere and letting the memories fade as my mind turns off one last time.
As I said, it took me a while to write all this. I’ve stopped a few time to regather thoughts and make sure things were added in a few places. I’ve been told to write a book one day on everything, and I probably could, but I don’t want people to know how bad it got anymore. The world needs to be a better place than the place that I saw. I think those clouds, and that moon, was probably the most solace I’ve seen in a long time, and probably the most peace I’ll be receiving for a while. Maybe if I can hold onto that memory it can help.
Thank you all for reading. I hope you all understand my lack of… everything. Things haven’t been easy, mentally, financially, and basically any other way. I want to thank everyone for everything, seriously. Thank you all so much for being here, and just… being HERE. I know it’s hard sometimes, but I’m happy you’re here regardless. Thank you for sticking it out with me and everyone else.
Take care, for now.
-Auri Kampfer Wolf
This all contains talk of Depression, Suicide, and a lot of other stuff. Do not read if you are sensitive to it, though I will say I promise thing’s are stable right now.
As many of you know, I suffer from a couple of different things, including Depression, severe Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar, Depersonalization-derealization Disorder, and more. After the death of my father, the reason most of these things exist, a lot of things became far more difficult than I first realized they ever would be. An example of these things would be an increase in seizures brought on by the PTSD, only serving to amplify the derealization issues I’d face moving forward.
roy7x_ has helped to create a more comfortable environment to help with things, and knows how to assist when needed, and TinderFox 
ThatGayIndigoFox for his tender care despite being at a distance, but nothing seems to help actually stop these incidents from happening.The man that has passed away has moved from being dead to being very much alive. I’m aware he is dead, but he somehow feels very much there sometimes. It’s like he never died, and it causes more PTSD attacks to occur. And to compound on these things, times that I seem to experience moments where things remind me of the past, like a road that reminds me of a place in Colorado, I can start to have a slight reality shift.
You can see where this is all going now.
If it wasn’t enough that these things were happening, I was also going to be going to meet my family for the first time, for real. The last time I had gone, I was not myself. This was pre-Covid, I wore a different face. I was a lie; the person I always was told I was. This was the time I was coming as me. I was showing up with my face, as me for the first time. They were meeting me for the first time ever. All of this, and I only had 4 days. There were people I’d like to see, but would they accept me? I’d be staying with my mom and my stepdad, who are having a hard time with gendering and naming, but its hard considering how long they’ve known me as someone else. Same goes for my brother and his family. It was going to be a lot. And with so many familiar faces, places, and more, how would it effect the more sensitive mental issues?
Turned out… A lot…
On the way back, we flew through a storm. An electrical storm, more specifically. It was a lightshow, and the plane was shaky to say the least. The flight was at night, fairly late, at around 10pm. The cabin lights were dim, and looking out the window showed something that would make the 4th of July blush. Once it was over, and we cleared the clouds, it was… like something I’d only ever seen in a dream. Smooth white clouds, like a sea of snow, accompanied by a cool white full moon. It was a soft blue, but only a hint, nearly monotone. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the words to describe how awesome it looked, cause the picture I took could never capture it through the weird windows they have.
It was such a… great ending to an otherwise troubling trip. It seemed good while I was there, but I was bothered the whole time, and I couldn’t tell what it was until I saw the moon and the clouds, that surreal ending to the trip.
When we were young, my dad had, in his chemically altered state, decided to hit my brother and I. It was one of my first memories other than being reminded of how worthless my life was. My dad had broken a branch from a tree he was cutting and blamed it on us. I saw the fear in my brother’s eyes and heard him scream when he was hit. With the knowledge that my life meant so little, I had decided that it would be better served as a shield. I couldn’t stop everything, and my father understood what I was doing. I was to become the plaything, and he made me everything he needed me to be. I’d be his toy, to hit, and to abuse in every form you can imagine. And after he realized why I had done it, he threatened to kill my mother and brother if I ever stopped or told anyone.
Like many trans kids, I was fairly aware of the uneasy feelings of my body around the ages of 8-9. To say I was treading a fine line was incredibly accurate already though. I had already had a gun to my head several times, been battered and bruised, and thrown from a vehicle. He didn’t need a new reason to kill me, and in turn hurt my mom and brother. My whole existence already was to protect them. So, I had to hide that, like many other things. So, life continued, until it was safe. I knew that by the time that they were safe, my life would not have much to salvage. That either meant that by the time they would be safe, I’d we would have to end each other, or Id take care of him, then myself. There wasn’t much intention on continuing from there. That was why around my teenage years I had already started adopting so much suicidal tendencies, then suddenly stopped. I had made a deal with myself: we make it through to the end of their story, then we end ours can end, along with his. I began to drink, illegally, to forget what I could, it was a matter of staying alive until I could finish things.
Fast forward, I am 22 years old. A moment comes, I am about to head to work. My mom calls me upstairs, to see my father had once again pretended to overdose, by taking some of his many narcotics and writing another note. It was more baiting from him, and he had done this many times. The note, next to the very guns he had placed against my forehead ever since I was 7, was scribbled like a drunk 4-year-old. I told her to call the hospital and have him removed. She was ready to once again brush it off, we were used to police telling us they were never going to do anything until it was too late. But maybe with an overdose threat, the paramedics would take him. I told her to call, or I would end it. I was ready to do it, finally. She saw that, and quickly called. As she left, I took that very same .44, and placed it against the same place he would on me. It would have been so easy, and it would have been over. It was loaded, as always. It wouldn’t be a threat on a counter otherwise. Hammer back, finger over, I never fired. I still always wonder what would have happened if I had.
Apparently, it would have been considered self defense at that point, but would I be here? It would have been a completed objective, with one other to complete the mission. With two rounds in the chamber, one for me and my mother at the time, it was all I needed to complete the deal I made with myself. Would it have ended there? I’ll never know. Instead, the paramedics came, and we filed for restraining orders, which he broke multiple times, and the police did nothing about, only solidifying my hatred of law enforcement. Time moved on, my mother got remarried, my brother started his own family, and I moved to Minnesota. There were a few attempts on myself during this time, as it was clear the pact I made was never to be fulfilled now, but things leveled out. However, things took more strange turns.
After I had moved, and settled in Minnesota, I had finally found more peace and decided I could finally pull my mask off. I would no longer be the one I was told I was, and be who was hiding behind the face they saw. Auri would be born, me, I could live as me, and I was going to be happier as me. With it, I found support in places I never thought I would, and over time family started to accept it, leading up to my eventual trip. But before all that happened, things were getting worse mentally. Dad had finally died, by his own hubris even. And what should have been wonderful, was the beginning of the largest downfall of my mental health to ever occur. He stopped texting and stopped being a threat in real life. He began to haunt me in other was. At first, that occasional memory, then that shadow, then that brand of cigarette making me think he’s here. Now, I’ll just see him in a crowd, hear his voice, and sometimes he just is standing behind me, mocking me. A dead man with more power than he ever did when he was alive. Eventually I began to drink more heavily again, like I used to, and it all broke free. A PTSD trip that would unlock everything and start a cycle of never-ending horrors.
So, how does this all correlate to my trip? The trip was… well as a trip it was nice. I had a birthday, I turned 33. My family all came to meet me for the first time. They fumbled pronouns but they were all so supportive. I told my mom a little more about what happened between myself and my dad, so that she can understand why I’m so… damaged. My mom gave me an HRT shot, I gave her a Blahaj as a thank you, I met one of my closest friends ever, Tessa, and some old co-workers to show them who I truly am while going incognito and surprising them. I had a seizure in front of my mom and brother, but they were awesome about it. I saw everything change; Colorado is vastly different after 5 years. There’s so much more LGBTQ+ acceptance there now, and people seem so much happier. Everyone seemed happier. Everyone. Everyone…
Everyone but me. Going back… I realized just how the world around me changed, like it just didn’t matter I had left. Hell, like me leaving, everyone had done better. Obviously, I didn’t have an impact on the entire state but like… my family, my friends… It just… They truly did move on without me there. They care still, and I’m grateful, but if we go back to my deal… “when he’s gone, and they are safe…”, and how I was never “meant to be here this long.” Then as we rose from a rocky ride from a lightshow of lightning and thunder to one of the most surreal nights I’ve ever witnessed in my life, feeling like I’m gliding effortlessly over a sea of snow in in the glow of a full moon, I look back at how I spent my life making sure all I’ve done my whole life is ensure my brother and mom got their happy endings, and seem to be there, or at least get to be on that path.
And I’m here, weightless now, not sure what’s happening anymore, watching my attempts at a better life constantly fall through. On my way to the plane, I got news that my Disability once again was denied despite all the work done, and that it was pushed to a “Denied” status less than 2 days after its 4-month medical evaluation, meaning some jerk eating a 5-dollar footlong probably didn’t even look at it and is paid to only hit reject on everything. Then I had half my medications taken from me at the TSA at DIA, which I had brought with me from Minnesota, but for some reason it was a problem heading back. It will take time to get it back but till then I won’t have a few things needed for stability, and it’s not going to be easy.
These things seem to happen on a day-to-day basis, so much so that its just sort of normal now. And I must continue to ask for assistance simply because I am doing what was recommended of my medical team. I get to deal with traumas that won’t be leaving my life any time soon, while dealing with financial issues that I can’t simply have a job to fix, as normal jobs are so far out of the realm of possible with these limitations that no one can accommodate it.
All I do now, is think back to that fork in the road of my life, where things could have changed. I want to keep living, I have a lot to do here, and a lot of people I care about to make sure they get their happy endings as well. But it’s… also strange to think about how I was never meant to be here either. And life seems to want to enforce that for me sometimes. Whether it be with how my luck plays out, with how I get treated, or by showing me just how people are well off without me. I always used to say I like to play the part of the person behind the curtain, the one that helps from the shadow and is easily forgotten, and it seems like I’ve done that pretty well in a few cases. I’ve basically kept my family alive and protected them enough to get them to where they are now by being their unseen shield. My therapist has asked me if I regret it before, and I don’t know if I can ever give a real answer to it.
Part of me wants to say no, because my mission was successful, and they are safe. Part of me feels like they treat me like I never did anything for them, and it feels rather harmful to feel like I never did anything for them, when I gave so much, but they can’t really know. It’s… difficult. Revealing everything to anyone at this point is rather pointless, as all it does is make me feel worse, and causes them to feel like they did nothing to help, causing them to feel worse and making me feel worse for making them feel worse. It doesn’t solve anything anymore, other than to harm, so for these things, its better to have it all die with me, never having it down anywhere and letting the memories fade as my mind turns off one last time.
As I said, it took me a while to write all this. I’ve stopped a few time to regather thoughts and make sure things were added in a few places. I’ve been told to write a book one day on everything, and I probably could, but I don’t want people to know how bad it got anymore. The world needs to be a better place than the place that I saw. I think those clouds, and that moon, was probably the most solace I’ve seen in a long time, and probably the most peace I’ll be receiving for a while. Maybe if I can hold onto that memory it can help.
Thank you all for reading. I hope you all understand my lack of… everything. Things haven’t been easy, mentally, financially, and basically any other way. I want to thank everyone for everything, seriously. Thank you all so much for being here, and just… being HERE. I know it’s hard sometimes, but I’m happy you’re here regardless. Thank you for sticking it out with me and everyone else.
Take care, for now.
-Auri Kampfer Wolf
33
Posted 2 years agoYeah I'm also 33 now so that's a thing
Heading to Colorado for 4 days.
Posted 2 years agoTomorrow I'm heading back to Colorado. This is my first time back home since... Well I transitioned. I'm really nervous. I'm anxious. I don't know what all it's going to be like reintroducing myself.
I'm bringing my tablet to work on coms and my steam deck to game while I need some time but I'm both stuck where I feel like 4 days might take too much of a toll while also not being enough time.
I'm really scared tbh.
I'm bringing my tablet to work on coms and my steam deck to game while I need some time but I'm both stuck where I feel like 4 days might take too much of a toll while also not being enough time.
I'm really scared tbh.
Rant/Depression/Thoughts
Posted 2 years agoI've met a lot of people. A lot of people here, either just from passing or actually became friends with.
I won't say their names, it's not about the specific people, besides, they know who they are.
Things have happened with some of these people, in the past. All different, not really related directly. Be it the head of a website, or a potential mate who changed their mind last moment.
A lot has happened that has caused a lot of damage. Damage I can't properly describe. Stuff that gets to unfortunately proudly sit alongside the shelf where everything my father did to me.
I have every right to hate these people. I want to. But for some reason all I want is forgiveness. I don't understand how that is. Why is the person who was harmed the one that wants to be sorry? I understand its part of abuse. I get it. But it doesn't make sense. I want it to make sense. I want things to feel better.
I don't want there to be anger. I don't want to hate anyone. I SHOULD hate them, but I don't want to. I don't know about being friends again but I just... I hate seeing these people and knowing how much pain there is whenever I see them. How I can never see them again with the same feelings I did when we were friends or before it. Where now I have to have this foul knowledge and tainted view. And even if they changed, I never get to know because I'll never talk to them again.
I feel so... robbed. I feel like good people were taken from me and I don't get to know why. Were they not good? Are they better people now and the past just gets to be a permanent scar? I just...
I want the anger to go away. I want the pain to end. I don't know why I want to ask for forgiveness, maybe to apologies for how things ended. I've hurt people in the past, but I've always tried to do everything I could to make up for things. Even if things don't continue from there, it's at least... closure...
Am I wanting to apologize because I want closure? I don't understand anymore. I don't get any of this shit. I just... wish things could have been better.
I wish everything would have been better.
They wont be... will they?
I won't say their names, it's not about the specific people, besides, they know who they are.
Things have happened with some of these people, in the past. All different, not really related directly. Be it the head of a website, or a potential mate who changed their mind last moment.
A lot has happened that has caused a lot of damage. Damage I can't properly describe. Stuff that gets to unfortunately proudly sit alongside the shelf where everything my father did to me.
I have every right to hate these people. I want to. But for some reason all I want is forgiveness. I don't understand how that is. Why is the person who was harmed the one that wants to be sorry? I understand its part of abuse. I get it. But it doesn't make sense. I want it to make sense. I want things to feel better.
I don't want there to be anger. I don't want to hate anyone. I SHOULD hate them, but I don't want to. I don't know about being friends again but I just... I hate seeing these people and knowing how much pain there is whenever I see them. How I can never see them again with the same feelings I did when we were friends or before it. Where now I have to have this foul knowledge and tainted view. And even if they changed, I never get to know because I'll never talk to them again.
I feel so... robbed. I feel like good people were taken from me and I don't get to know why. Were they not good? Are they better people now and the past just gets to be a permanent scar? I just...
I want the anger to go away. I want the pain to end. I don't know why I want to ask for forgiveness, maybe to apologies for how things ended. I've hurt people in the past, but I've always tried to do everything I could to make up for things. Even if things don't continue from there, it's at least... closure...
Am I wanting to apologize because I want closure? I don't understand anymore. I don't get any of this shit. I just... wish things could have been better.
I wish everything would have been better.
They wont be... will they?
Newest policy?
Posted 2 years agoYeah I can't really even begin with that. Some of the allowed choices are mind boggling. This made a lot more sense before and their clarification made it look fucking stupid.
I got nothin.
I got nothin.
FA Policy Update
Posted 2 years agoI'm so FUCKING tired every time there's an update where people instantly jump to conclusions and claim the site is dead and everything is fucked. Yes, I'm going to DEFEND FA. Why? Cause apparently people didn't actually read anything.
Like this:
Did you know?™
Everything that just got added ALREADY EXISTED. The reason it's being brought up was to make a clarification that it now extends to Pokémon and Digimon. They want to ensure that characters are appropriately aged if they are engaging in adult activity. As they even stated, it is not a blanket ruling. It's to make sure there's no child abuse.
All of you worried about your kobolds and gnomes, you've been under rules that would have targeted you for months, but you haven't broken any because you were safe. As long as you aren't depicting children engaging in adult activity, you're fine.
Source BTW: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10552819
Mind you, all of these things are being done specifically to get in front of bills that keep being presented to kill websites like these as well. A lot of times it's assumed that FA just does whatever it wants. Even YouTube. I HATE YouTube. But I know that them having to be really specific about how they handle child content isn't their fault. It's to protect themselves from when bills pass that could shut them down.
FA is no different, and when bills keep getting looked at that attack LGBTQ+ people, using "child predator", as a sell, the best way for the largest Furry art website that hosts the most LGBTQ+ people, is to be as cracked down on it as possible.
But no, it's better to just jump immediately to conclusions. Why think about outside factors or anything else. Why look at existing rules or asking for clarifications? Let's just call FA shit.
Leave then.
Like this:
Did you know?™
Everything that just got added ALREADY EXISTED. The reason it's being brought up was to make a clarification that it now extends to Pokémon and Digimon. They want to ensure that characters are appropriately aged if they are engaging in adult activity. As they even stated, it is not a blanket ruling. It's to make sure there's no child abuse.
All of you worried about your kobolds and gnomes, you've been under rules that would have targeted you for months, but you haven't broken any because you were safe. As long as you aren't depicting children engaging in adult activity, you're fine.
Source BTW: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10552819
Mind you, all of these things are being done specifically to get in front of bills that keep being presented to kill websites like these as well. A lot of times it's assumed that FA just does whatever it wants. Even YouTube. I HATE YouTube. But I know that them having to be really specific about how they handle child content isn't their fault. It's to protect themselves from when bills pass that could shut them down.
FA is no different, and when bills keep getting looked at that attack LGBTQ+ people, using "child predator", as a sell, the best way for the largest Furry art website that hosts the most LGBTQ+ people, is to be as cracked down on it as possible.
But no, it's better to just jump immediately to conclusions. Why think about outside factors or anything else. Why look at existing rules or asking for clarifications? Let's just call FA shit.
Leave then.
Bumping Fellow Artist - 35% off sale
Posted 2 years agoHey everyone, I wanted to help bump someone who could really use some commission flow. They are running a deal on their art and I'm sure you'll love it!
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/52015122/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/52015122/
In Stream Sketches
Posted 2 years agoTo help raise money, I' doing stream sketches. If you'd like one, come grab one for $45 per character ---> https://picarto.tv/Kampfer
Submission Spam.
Posted 2 years agoYEah here it comes.
Updates/Art Purge/Donations
Posted 2 years agoHey everyone.
A lot has been happening as of late, and soon I'll be moving to a new location. I have a lot to upload soon, and more to still work on. As usual it will come in a massive upload so be prepared for that. After we move I'm going to maybe look into shifting over to 3D art in case my hands die off sooner than later.
I am still doing my electrolysis and having to pay out of pocket for all my medical stuff while trying to get insurance switched over as they are dragging their feet, along with SSI and everything else being slow. So any support is appreciated. I believe I'll be open for sketches soon so keep a look out.
Next, I'll be purging a lot of older art. Most of it will be art past the date of early 2019, and ANYTHING that brings me any level of dysphoria. I will be doing this in the next few days, so if yoy have anything you'd like to keep, please save it now. I will still have a lot of this older stuff saved locally for private stuff, but it will not be reuploaded unless needed by the original client.
Finally, the world is an incredible scary place for trans people right now. Please give us the chance to breathe. If it wasn't bad enough, we are now getting looked at even more brutally. Show your trans friends the love they need.
If you would like to donate to help keep me afloat while everything is getting figured out, I'd really appreciate it immensely.
Thank you all so much for reading, have a safe remainder of the week.
https://ko-fi.com/kampferwolf
https://paypal.me/KampferWolf
https://cash.app/$KampferWolf
A lot has been happening as of late, and soon I'll be moving to a new location. I have a lot to upload soon, and more to still work on. As usual it will come in a massive upload so be prepared for that. After we move I'm going to maybe look into shifting over to 3D art in case my hands die off sooner than later.
I am still doing my electrolysis and having to pay out of pocket for all my medical stuff while trying to get insurance switched over as they are dragging their feet, along with SSI and everything else being slow. So any support is appreciated. I believe I'll be open for sketches soon so keep a look out.
Next, I'll be purging a lot of older art. Most of it will be art past the date of early 2019, and ANYTHING that brings me any level of dysphoria. I will be doing this in the next few days, so if yoy have anything you'd like to keep, please save it now. I will still have a lot of this older stuff saved locally for private stuff, but it will not be reuploaded unless needed by the original client.
Finally, the world is an incredible scary place for trans people right now. Please give us the chance to breathe. If it wasn't bad enough, we are now getting looked at even more brutally. Show your trans friends the love they need.
If you would like to donate to help keep me afloat while everything is getting figured out, I'd really appreciate it immensely.
Thank you all so much for reading, have a safe remainder of the week.
https://ko-fi.com/kampferwolf
https://paypal.me/KampferWolf
https://cash.app/$KampferWolf
Rant/Depression
Posted 2 years agoI have an insane disinterest in life right now and I'm having a rough time. Art has been so fucking hard to work on and any attempt at improving my life has been forfeit. I'm still stuck here waiting for medical to switch and am forced to pay out of pocket for meds and electrolysis in the meantime. Social Security Income is slow as fuck to be accepted and tired of watching my friends lose their fights against their inner demons.
I'm so fucking tired...
Every day is a victory when you get out of bed with depression, and I know it's true. But living with PTSD nightmares and having this shit play out in my head every other night and fearing sleep because I hate seeing that dead monster again...
I hate living like this...
I just want other facets of my life at least covered so I can focus on the rest, but I can't even get that. I qualify for SSI, but they won't grant it. They won't switch my insurance for reasons unknown.
Everything is always about bureaucracy, and it is taking so long that people die before things are fixed. I'm so sick of it. I just want to have a break.
I get a lot of help from people with bills, but I always feel bad about asking. I know I shouldn't, but I do. And in times where I need to ask and I get no help, I feel like everyone fave up on me, and it's justified. And I can't tell if that's true or my brain making shit up. It's exhausting.
I'm still in desperate need of funds for bills, if anyone is in a safe enough place to do so. I'm needing just under $600 to finish where I'm at right this moment. It would really massively help, mo matter the amount.
Thank yoy all for reading.
https://ko-fi.com/kampferwolf
https://paypal.me/KampferWolf
https://cash.app/$KampferWolf
I'm so fucking tired...
Every day is a victory when you get out of bed with depression, and I know it's true. But living with PTSD nightmares and having this shit play out in my head every other night and fearing sleep because I hate seeing that dead monster again...
I hate living like this...
I just want other facets of my life at least covered so I can focus on the rest, but I can't even get that. I qualify for SSI, but they won't grant it. They won't switch my insurance for reasons unknown.
Everything is always about bureaucracy, and it is taking so long that people die before things are fixed. I'm so sick of it. I just want to have a break.
I get a lot of help from people with bills, but I always feel bad about asking. I know I shouldn't, but I do. And in times where I need to ask and I get no help, I feel like everyone fave up on me, and it's justified. And I can't tell if that's true or my brain making shit up. It's exhausting.
I'm still in desperate need of funds for bills, if anyone is in a safe enough place to do so. I'm needing just under $600 to finish where I'm at right this moment. It would really massively help, mo matter the amount.
Thank yoy all for reading.
https://ko-fi.com/kampferwolf
https://paypal.me/KampferWolf
https://cash.app/$KampferWolf
GMod/VRChat Model?
Posted 2 years agoI made the mistake of asking on Twitter, but what are the difficulties on making a model for these? I know that a they can kinda be exported between the two with the right addons apparently, just different ragdolls, but like, I've never done 3D modelling. I really wanna get a model done. I feel like I'd actually play VRChat if I had my own model, and do virtual cons, I just dont feel like putting on a random skin... I know it might sound crazy but putting on a fake identity feels like going in the closet again with stuff.
Stream 1-12-2023
Posted 3 years agoWhere to find me?
Posted 3 years agoHere's my full list of places I'll be findable as Twitter shits the bed. It seems like Mastodon will be my main go to if anywhere, and its included.
https://kampferwolf.carrd.co/
https://kampferwolf.carrd.co/
