Good evening, everyone. Happy New Year to all.

A big thank you to everyone in general, be it any new watchers or old friends with whom I stayed in touch. This past year was kind of a bust. I'm sorry I haven't produced much content or really been active at all. Dealing with life has been a bit trying. I don't think I've been the worst off, but hey, we all have our own issues and our own ways of dealing with them.

I unfortunately had a financial kick in the pants around my birthday when my brother was in an accident with my mother's car she left me. This was an upsetting event. My brother was OK, no one was hurt, and the insurance money paid for most of a new car. However, this means I now gains a car payment bill and a car insurance bill on top of my student loan payments. And of course, this was after I spent my tax return on new clothes, a Microsoft tablet for drawing digitally again, and a haircut. So... yeah... you can't foresee these things.

On the plus side, I obtained a gym membership back in September and I have been going regularly over the past three months to stay in shape.

I have two resolutions this year. First, I want to get back into drawing again. It's been a very long time since I felt any inspiration. I want to find that spark again and practice. Second, I want to keep a 4-day-a-week schedule at the gym and do research to put on some muscle. I've wanted this for a long time, and I have given myself the means to do it. Now it's just using those means and gain the results.

With those resolutions in mind, I'm ready to begin 2016. I hope you all have resolutions you want to keep. Cheers to you all. May your endeavors go accomplished, may everyone stay healthy and in high spirits, and let's make this a better year than the last.

Happy New Year, everyone. Much love.

Just a general question. I have found that I have little to no drive to do anything after a non-stop 8 1/2 hour work day. Is this normal, or am I still affected by depression? Maybe it's a little of both. Maybe one is fueling the other.

I want to draw and paint again, but have no inspiration to pick up a pencil. I want to get up with my dad and brother and get a gym membership like they did, but being so self-conscious is preventing me from readily going to the damn gym. I won't lie... I know I'm depressed STILL over losing my mother... it's been about a year and a half. I want to know when I'm going to move on and be happy again. The only thing keeping me sane is a great group of friends over here in PA. I get to play card and video games with them and I have a great time. Even a few people I've met through here have given me back some of my sanity and kept me level.

I just... want to move on, but I don't know how I can yet.

Hey everybody! It's  iamrondo's birthday today!

Happy birthday, love! I know you had to work today, but I hope it was a good shift! I'll be posting your gift later!

I keep getting these weird ads popping up on the right side of my screen for "hot deals" on random electronics. Anyone else?

EDIT: All fixed now. A Plug-in had installed itself. I just didn't know where to find it lol.

I'm starting to type this journal at 2:48 PM EST. About 6 minutes ago, my mother was taken home after fighting so hard for 18 months against her cancer. She was very faithful to God so... I believe she saw something beautiful when she passed. It was one of the only smiles I saw on her face in those last few months of her life.

I don't really know what else to say... There's so much to say about my mother, and I don't want to write a wall of text and keep you all here for half an hour just to read it quickly...

I wanted to take this year to focus on working and just trying to forget about things. I don't know if I'm ever going to get over losing my mother, but then... who really does? It takes a year WITH THERAPY to be emotionally over the death of a loved one. I worked a stressful 40-hour-per-week job. That's something to help keep my mind off things, right? Heh...

So... now that the year is over, I have already started looking into getting back into digital drawing/painting, oil painting, all the mediums available to me. I want to start saving for a Windows Tablet and Corel Painter instead of a new Wacom Tablet and draw on my laptop. My Mac has become more of a personal-use computer anyway, and a Windows Tablet is more portable and I can just draw on that! I'll take that as my (possibly first ever) New Year's Resolution.

Anyway... If you have a moment today, for me, please raise a glass or a bottle, or say a prayer for my mother. May she rest in peace. And remember; in the words of my mother, "No crying, just laughter." It's not, "Goodbye." It's, "See you later."

Just to fill in the gap.

Merry Christmas to you all. I hope you have a happy and safe holiday.

To all my Jewish watchers, if any, I hope your Chanukah was nice and you all got good presents each night.

And, of course, to fill in the last holiday, Happy Kwanza to those who celebrate it.

Let's just move on to the New Year now, shall we?

Have a happy, fun, and safe Halloween everybody!

Much love,

Kayden

...as an artist on FurAffinity.

I've opted to post things I had done in art school, but hardly anyone looked twice. I don't really draw adult things very often, but I'm starting to want to do just that. I'm worried that I would lose watchers and run from an angry mob if I post the one thing that no one would like.

I kinda considered myself a muscle artist, but I want to be something a bit more than that, to open myself up to a wider audience and demographic. I kinda lazed away from doing a gallery clean-up every time I said I would, but... I don't know, maybe I'll just do it this time...

I worry too much about what people think of me rather than simply drawing what really makes me happy to draw, no matter what the subject matter is. I worry about what people think of me PERIOD...

*sighs and slumps* I guess I'll figure it out in time...

A shout out to everyone who wished me happy birthday whether it was on FA, Facebook, texts, or by any other means. I cannot respond to everyone individually quickly enough, so I've been opting to give a shout out every year after my birthday for the well wishes.

Thank you again, everyone.

Yup...

It's my 23rd birthday today.

Yes, it hurt. But that's beside the point.

I started falling on old habits again. I keep getting distracted by my card games or I'll just fall asleep when I get home from work. I call these excuses, but at the same time I don't. Sometimes my job is mentally exhausting and I need to recharge by not thinking. Therefore, I sleep. I also love my card games and they are a great stress reliever. I've gotten into Magic the Gathering a bit more while the clans I want to play in Vanguard are on a release break. I've enjoyed the frames more since I went to the Magic Grand Prix and Vanguard Regionals in New York. All that aside, drawing has been hanging over my head.

Video games are an Achilles Heel of mine as well. Out of sheer boredom I have finally finished Sly 3, Honor Among Thieves. If you've ever played the game they have nice galleries of concept art for the levels and characters for the game. Thank goodness I played this game because that's what helped me pick up a pencil again. I have made myself proud today by ranking out 3 requests. By my list you can see I re-did one of them, and one final drawing is to be done.

This had gotten me to think about my own stuff and what I want to design. I have been giving this some thought and I may be closing requests for a while. *readies myself for the cries of protests, if any*

I know, I know, there were a couple of you who have been waiting for a slot, but... this is something I have to do. I can't remember the last time I drew Kayden. You know, the big-pec'd fox you always see on my page? The red fox in my gallery? Yes, him. Not to mention MUNGBEAN, my favorite D&D character I ever made, and my own list of ideas I started keeping on this page.

I could even help myself... you know... heal a little bit... by focusing on my own stuff...

I'll try to decide before the end of this week whether or not I will keep requests open, close them entirely, or whatever I need to do... I'll let you all know. In the mean time, have a good week everyone. I will see you around.

3 requests done, babeh!!!

So the first three people on my list are now done with their requests. Just three more to go before I can empty the list and start accepting more people. I've only put them up as read for posting because I need to test the quality of pictures between my iPhone and my digital camera (since I have no scanner).

Wait for mah postingness thingies!

Every day up to today:

The musclefox enters his home, mentally drained from another hard day's work. Most days he stumbles into bed, tired from the craziness of the day and wanting nothing more to sleep and escape for a few hours. Others he finds himself getting lost in a game or building decks for card games he most loves for the following weekend. Not even halfway through the year he still mourns the loss of his mother during the holidays. Even with the grief slowly fading and healing with time, no drive can be found when finally home from dealing with the issues of the day in what he had learned to do for four years of his life: art.

A doodle or two can be found on the edges of notebooks from his workplace, and a single painting for an auction he drilled out of himself and onto a canvas, but what disappoints him most is using the excuse of being exhausted from work and finding more fun in card games and video games to not pick up a pencil.

WELL NO FUCKING MORE, DAMMIT!!!!

I'm sick of my shit! I'm using up way too much damn time to just sit around and mess with cards, or use the excuse of "NYEEEEH, I'M TOO TIRED FROM WOOOORK." BULL SHIT! People have harder jobs than I do and can still come home and do more. I have an addiction to card games, but it is also my social life. Not to mention video games are fun as hell.

But I need to get on these damn requests and start commissions back up again!!!!!!!!

I'll have to see if I can just get myself a new tablet. I'm afraid that since the software is still on my old, DEAD laptop I don't think I can register newly downloaded software (if I can find the software online to even download). So I might as well just get myself a new, shiny tablet. That and I think I'll have to find CS2 for my Mac...

OR DOES ANYBODY KNOW GOOD DIGITAL PAINTING PROGRAMS FOR MAC? Instead of just using photoshop it might be good for me to be on par with color work such as Agro's, Ripped Saurian's, etc. quality. SUGGEST ANYTHING PLEASE!

*breaks out my .05 mm mech pencil* Let's do this... *background explosion*

Magic the gathering. Lol

I'm going to be at the Philly magic tournament in the convention center tomorrow for the huge magic tourney. It's my first time going to a huge tournament to play. I thought I'd be going to one for Vanguard, but meh. It's a sealed tournament so everyone's building a deck from freshly opened packs. Kind of an even playing field if you pull well.

Anyway, wish me luck! I don't see myself winning a single game lol

IT LIIIIIIIIIVES!!!!!!!!!! GLORIOUS FURAFFINITY! LIKE TUMBLR TO A SUPERNATURAL FANGIRL!!!!!!

*ahem*

So as it turns out it was 50% my stupidity for not doing something sooner, 50% verizon-technology-dun-goofery. It WAS as simple as a reboot of our new router, and also seeing that our wireless internet wasn't even WORKING from Verizon's end of things.

I'M BACK, BABEH! And yet no one even knew I was gone... Or cared...

._.

THE DRAMA.....

Furaffinity still refuses to load on my laptop or phone while connected to my house's wifi. I can only access the site on my phone. I will only my popping on to read notes and leave updates where I can.

I have contacted the FA site staff to see if there is anything they can suggest. I can only be patient.

This week is turning out to just fucking suck. Work sucks this week, I lost my calming habit of logging onto furaffinity, and it's just frustrating that an internet provider that had claimed to be faster than what we had turns out to be SLOWER.

I hope this gets fixed soon... And I hope to really see everyone else soon too. Those on my request list, I'm sorry your drawings are taking so long. I'm getting sick and fuckig tired of all the tech problems I have been having over the last few months. Bear with me for a bit longer and thank you for your patience this far.

Much love. See you all soon.

---Kayden

Ok, I need help here.

I am typing this journal from my phone because for some reason FA won't work on my laptop. Which is hilarious because I USE SAFARI ON BOTH DEVICES. So it can't be my browser. I cleared cookies. Other than that I have no idea what else to do.

Any suggestions?

So I noticed on Friday that I have an odd lump on my right wrist. I'm thinking it's like... a bone spur, a cyst (like those huge gross ones you see popped on youtube at home by stupid people), or something that a family member has on his arm where it was part of bone that decided to grow into a lump. I don't know!

I'mma tell ya I'm nervous as fuck. =D

I don't know what the hell it is. I don't think it's anything serious since I noticed this on Friday and I can't for the life of me remember it being on my wrist on Thursday. I'm more worried for my right hand because that's what I need to do EVERYTHING. Type, draw, play music, video games, literally everything I do.

So I'm going to my doctor after work today to have ti looked at. He may have to schedule me for an x-ray. Who knows!

Uuuugh fuck, I don't want health problems right now...

Today is the third day in a row when I just want to stay the fuck home and lay in bed in the dark. This entire weekend I just wanted to say "Fuck you, leave me alone." My usual card shop escapades and game night were bland at best and it left me feeling like I should have just stayed the fuck home. The only real enjoyment I got was from hopping on my friend's Minecraft server to just fly around our village we built in creative mode. That was last night at around midnight when I didn't have a lot of time left before I had to go to bed to get some sleep for another long work week.

I don't know if it was a bad weekend or if a stage of depression is finally hitting me to follow my mother's passing. All I want to do is sleep and not give a fuck right now. There isn't a middle finger big enough to give the world this morning for its total jackassery. All I have to look forward to is yet another week of work, another week of people yelling at us in the office for the mistakes other people have made, another week... just another week... until fucking what?

I'm tired of trying to be patient... I'm tired of just saying "yes" to people... I'm tired of fucking caring too much... At least for today, I just don't give a rat's ass... But here I go, having to put on that mask of a customer service rep to be that patient, agreeable kiss-ass I am always expected to be.

Fuck...

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

WHY have I NOT seen ANY fan art of THIS ROOSTER????

http://img.movieberry.com/static/ph.....048/poster.jpg

If I have to be the one to start a muscle fan art of The King from Rock-a-Doodle I will do so! LOOK AT HIS ARM IN THAT POSTER! How have we not noticed this before?!

I just had a second person ask me for a commission again.

Getting a new laptop means I lost everything on my old one. So here's what I need to do.

1) I need to get either a new Wacom Tablet to digitally color and draw OR find the software of my old model online somewhere and download it onto this laptop so I can use it.

2) I need to ask my brother how to sign up for the Adobe Cloud. This gives me access to ALL adobe programs, free to install onto my laptop, but for $50 a month as long as I have it. This may be great, or I may just want the latest photoshop on my computer and pay for it all at once to have forever. The trouble is throwing all that money down on a program at once.

So yeah... Commissions closed for now until I actually have the means to digitally color again. =\

We buried mom today. It was a beautiful viewing last night and a gorgeous funeral mass. The tremendous turn-out was a great honor to my mother's life.

It was an honor to be a pallbearer and to carry my mother to her final resting place. We spent most of the afternoon and evening at my cousin's house with everyone on my mother's side of the family. But even now... I can hear my father from the kitchen talking with her...

We all miss you mom, and we all love you. It's not goodbye. It's see you later.

My mother passed away this afternoon at 2:42 PM. She went with a smile on her face and I was able to say a good goodbye.

I'm not as upset as I thought I was going to be. I'm not taking this as hard because I've seen her how she was at home... in hospice she was at her most peaceful she has been in months. She's not suffering anymore.

To those of you who do not know or those who had just recently watched me, my mother was diagnosed with cancer in August 2012. It was a cancer that had developed in her appendix first. It's very rare because everyone has their appendix taken out already. It had spread to her ovaries, colon, and various other places in her lower abdomen. She went through two surgeries, two chemo treatments, and radiation. In the end they could not clear the cancer from her body.

I'll always remember the smile on her face and the beautiful sunset in the sky I saw when walking out of the hospital.

Rest in peace, Mom. Say hi to Lucky for me. Party hard.

Yeah, got myself a new Macbook Pro with Retina display. It was pointless to get a normal Macbook Pro since it was going to be obsolete this time next year. I got a nice 3 year warranty on this new baby and guys... it's BEAUTIFUL. I don't have the white stripe running down the left side of my screen anymore so I can watch things in full screen now! *squee*

I'm gonna be getting the Adobe Cloud soon so I can download the latest photoshop and illustrator onto my laptop so I can work better with digital drawing and coloring in the future. This laptop doesn't have a CD port so I'll have to save up for a new tablet for which I can get an online download of its software. I'll wait a few months and save up a bit for that.

But yeah, have you noticed I posted something tonight? OMG I DID. Got one more request done and everyone has moved up a slot. ^^

Oh... I also have a small request to ask of everyone here. Please pray/hope for the best for my mother. She's not doing very well... and it certainly didn't feel like Christmas this year with her in this condition...

That's all I can really say right now. Thanks guys. Enjoy your New Year's Eve parties. :)

Hey everyone...

Listen, I can't talk long. I'm on my mom's iPad right now trying to troubleshoot how to get my computer to start up again without freezing at the startup screen. Also, please, to anyone out there, can you tell me if I can back up my minecraft files from Safe Mode on this stupid thing?

I'm very frustrated right now and my laptop doing this is NOT helping...