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Art motivation, moodswings etc
Posted a month agoDamn I said I'd make multiple posts here but haven't. My bad-- HOLY SHIT has it really been like a month since my last journal?
I've been feeling incredibly demotivated lately. I think a big issue is I'm currently restructuring my social circles. I'm sure anyone that follows my Bluesky has seen periodic crashouts, sorry about that, I would like to talk about this in long form though.
I've been increasingly frustrated by social groups and social media. As mentioned with my previous post, I've been exploring my kink side and sexuality a lot more lately. I've found what I like and can finally openly embrace it, but in doing so I made friends that I think weren't the best for me. I've discussed this with a few friends, a lot of furries care more about sexual interaction than anything else. I wanted to believe that this wasn't the case, that if I befriended people and tried to show them who I was while also interacting with kink they'd embrace all parts of me. This was horribly wrong. In my time involved in the communities I was over the past year or so I was subjected to a lot of objectification and being boiled down to a prey object. It was honestly humiliating. I was made to feel my talents, art, and personal interests didn't matter if it didn't directly link back to either A: vore or B: horror kink fetish stuff.
I was losing a huge aspect of my identity and autonomy hanging with these groups, and I kept blaming myself for it. "maybe I'm just not asserting myself enough, maybe I haven't done anything big enough, maybe my art just isn't good enough" that kind of stuff. It all came to a head this past furality when I put out a huge update to the Rasona and hosted my first booth to advertise my work, and it was largely met with a shrug at best, and outright belittlement at worst. (I'm sorry but, for real, if you're going to talk to an artist that's clearly been working for years "everyone starts somewhere" I think you should be dragged over coal) It made me realize that these people weren't going to be good for me in the long term, and that hurt. A lot.
This occurring just after my previous social circle (cliff notes: someone well liked in it made a callout post on me calling me a "trust fund nepobaby" for inheriting things a week or two after my mom died and people brushed it under the rug LMAO) and another fallout with a multi-year long friend (this is a story in itself, we've somewhat resolved things but I don't think I can invite them into my life anymore) has done a lot of damage to how I trust people overall, I think. And as much as I'd love to be one of those people who can just sorta let this stuff brush off, I'm really not. I wear my heart on my sleeve a lot of the time and try my best to be someone that "cares" or something, but it's gotten me hurt a lot more often than not.
Pair that with... I dunno, *everything else*, and I feel like I'm at one of my lowest points mentally. Even though I really shouldn't be, because why would I be? I've achieved multiple parts of my lifelong dreams and now the world is my oyster to just make MoonDust and art, so why can't I just enjoy that?
The obvious answer is I wanted to enjoy it with people I cared about, or people that cared about me. And I realize now that the people I did care about did not care about me. That yet again, I found myself in a social group where people view me as a sidepiece at best, one where my feelings weren't being considered. And it's not like I was silent about it, I tried talking to people and the best advice I received was "don't go looking for A, B, and C from people who you know just want to give A and B", which is basically just saying "we don't want to care about you beyond what we can get from you" and when I was told that by someone I was opening my heart to it... I dunno, it just hurts. There's definitely been some people who have been amazing to talk with, who have provided support when needed, and I like that a lot, but it has generally boiled down to "some people here aren't going to be there for you, you need to be okay with that."
This whole situation has made me hate working on my art because now I think "who the fuck is going to care," and I know I shouldn't think that. I know for a fact I've inspired other artists to create wonderful work because I've been directly told this. One of my biggest dreams with my art is that I inspire people to create more art, I wish I could just focus on that and ignore the previous stuff, but when it feels like that stuff is overpowering my life it's hard to ignore it. I just want to be in circles that care about me, man.
This journal turned out a lot weirder than expected, maybe I shouldn't be putting this out there, but I also feel like I should speak about it here because at least here I can speak longform. Bluesky venting is resulting in me just making short reactionary posts and it's not good for my mental or overall public appearance. I should probably get a therapist but I'm in Finland where that stuff isn't as accessible as it is in the US (plus in my experience Finnish doctors are really blunt, in a bad way)
I dunno, thoughts, advice, insults, whatever would be appreciated. I'd also like to ask: anyone up for helping me out socially and just introducing me to new people? I think I need a breath of fresh air and to meet people under better circumstances.
I've been feeling incredibly demotivated lately. I think a big issue is I'm currently restructuring my social circles. I'm sure anyone that follows my Bluesky has seen periodic crashouts, sorry about that, I would like to talk about this in long form though.
I've been increasingly frustrated by social groups and social media. As mentioned with my previous post, I've been exploring my kink side and sexuality a lot more lately. I've found what I like and can finally openly embrace it, but in doing so I made friends that I think weren't the best for me. I've discussed this with a few friends, a lot of furries care more about sexual interaction than anything else. I wanted to believe that this wasn't the case, that if I befriended people and tried to show them who I was while also interacting with kink they'd embrace all parts of me. This was horribly wrong. In my time involved in the communities I was over the past year or so I was subjected to a lot of objectification and being boiled down to a prey object. It was honestly humiliating. I was made to feel my talents, art, and personal interests didn't matter if it didn't directly link back to either A: vore or B: horror kink fetish stuff.
I was losing a huge aspect of my identity and autonomy hanging with these groups, and I kept blaming myself for it. "maybe I'm just not asserting myself enough, maybe I haven't done anything big enough, maybe my art just isn't good enough" that kind of stuff. It all came to a head this past furality when I put out a huge update to the Rasona and hosted my first booth to advertise my work, and it was largely met with a shrug at best, and outright belittlement at worst. (I'm sorry but, for real, if you're going to talk to an artist that's clearly been working for years "everyone starts somewhere" I think you should be dragged over coal) It made me realize that these people weren't going to be good for me in the long term, and that hurt. A lot.
This occurring just after my previous social circle (cliff notes: someone well liked in it made a callout post on me calling me a "trust fund nepobaby" for inheriting things a week or two after my mom died and people brushed it under the rug LMAO) and another fallout with a multi-year long friend (this is a story in itself, we've somewhat resolved things but I don't think I can invite them into my life anymore) has done a lot of damage to how I trust people overall, I think. And as much as I'd love to be one of those people who can just sorta let this stuff brush off, I'm really not. I wear my heart on my sleeve a lot of the time and try my best to be someone that "cares" or something, but it's gotten me hurt a lot more often than not.
Pair that with... I dunno, *everything else*, and I feel like I'm at one of my lowest points mentally. Even though I really shouldn't be, because why would I be? I've achieved multiple parts of my lifelong dreams and now the world is my oyster to just make MoonDust and art, so why can't I just enjoy that?
The obvious answer is I wanted to enjoy it with people I cared about, or people that cared about me. And I realize now that the people I did care about did not care about me. That yet again, I found myself in a social group where people view me as a sidepiece at best, one where my feelings weren't being considered. And it's not like I was silent about it, I tried talking to people and the best advice I received was "don't go looking for A, B, and C from people who you know just want to give A and B", which is basically just saying "we don't want to care about you beyond what we can get from you" and when I was told that by someone I was opening my heart to it... I dunno, it just hurts. There's definitely been some people who have been amazing to talk with, who have provided support when needed, and I like that a lot, but it has generally boiled down to "some people here aren't going to be there for you, you need to be okay with that."
This whole situation has made me hate working on my art because now I think "who the fuck is going to care," and I know I shouldn't think that. I know for a fact I've inspired other artists to create wonderful work because I've been directly told this. One of my biggest dreams with my art is that I inspire people to create more art, I wish I could just focus on that and ignore the previous stuff, but when it feels like that stuff is overpowering my life it's hard to ignore it. I just want to be in circles that care about me, man.
This journal turned out a lot weirder than expected, maybe I shouldn't be putting this out there, but I also feel like I should speak about it here because at least here I can speak longform. Bluesky venting is resulting in me just making short reactionary posts and it's not good for my mental or overall public appearance. I should probably get a therapist but I'm in Finland where that stuff isn't as accessible as it is in the US (plus in my experience Finnish doctors are really blunt, in a bad way)
I dunno, thoughts, advice, insults, whatever would be appreciated. I'd also like to ask: anyone up for helping me out socially and just introducing me to new people? I think I need a breath of fresh air and to meet people under better circumstances.
musings of a (almost) greymuzzle
Posted 2 months agocw; discussions of fetishes, reflections, and musings from someone who's been around for a few years now
--
I've been a furry since I was 16 years old, I've had at least 3 accounts here and despite that I've never truly grasped this website for some reason.
I think a lot of it is because I've primarily used this website for porn. Over the past few years I've completely repaired my relationship with my sexuality, for a long time I hid the fact I liked vore, gore, and all that dark fun stuff (and if you didn't know this, sorry, now you do!) because I didn't want to be judged for it. Especially since there's some people who I used to (and, to a degree still do) consider close friends who are rather against that stuff. I didn't like having those labels applied to me, nor did I like limiting my social interactions to a specific kink community because of gallery contents and other things. Even now, in what I'd genuinely refer to as me post "sexuality repair arc", I get incredibly irritated when people only want to interact with me through kink. Of course I'm the one that wanted to be a woman so maybe they're just radical gender extremists and giving me the real woman treatment of being objectified by anyone attracted to you.
But, I bring this up because this limited who I interacted with on Furaffinity. I think I schema'd this website as the boomer equivalent to e621, when it should be seen as the furry equivalent to deviantart. That's my bad, really, but it's hard to view it differently nowadays especially when my watch submission box is filled with hot dudes more often than anything provocative or emotional. Yes, that's entirely my fault for thirst following and not really using this website as a general art website, but I also have issues actually browsing art in general. Still, it's always felt kind of weird to try and engage with this website beyond logging in for a quick jork and logging out.
Interacting with people via comments always felt off, I didn't like how public it felt compared to responding to a tweet/skeet, or commenting in tumblr tags which were the equivalent of whispered shouts. More than once I've come across pictures both pornographic and nonsexual that make me want to say something, but then I worry about doing so. These comments will outlive me if all goes well for this website, and they're easier to stumble upon. What do they reflect about me? Is the girl trying to engage with high art going to look weird commenting "OH THIS IS GOOD" under a submission of some beefy dude with a ballgut? Probably.
And yet, it feels inappropriate to have multiple active FA accounts. I already dislike uploading to this one, not that there's much wrong with the upload process, I just find it annoying to tag my work when I can't really think of ways to tag it for this website. Furry art site tags are much more categorized so people looking to get their rocks off can just put "paw_fetish belly solo -female -twink" into search and get a huge list of things that appeal to them. I get why, I like it too, but when I'm trying to upload to this site I find it hard to categorize my work. I doubt there's many, if any, people going to search and sobbing that they can't find high art here through search.
I think this is part of it, too. I can't envision my work being enjoyed by the average user here, but I find it hard to envision my work being enjoyed by the average furry. I do wonder how many times someone I thirst watch looks on my page with confusion, "why did this painter follow my vore account?", or something. Of course this is probably a personal self esteem related thing. I find it really hard to envision people liking my paintings unless they're like me and drink wine with their pinky out and know what "translingualism" means. The reception I get on my art is always kind of shocking since it seems palatable to people of all ages and backgrounds.
But, despite these conflicting thoughts, I'd like to try and like FurAffinity more. As time goes on I'm learning to truly, truly despise social media. Bluesky is the only site I can stomach being on nowadays. I go on Xitter and I genuinely want to vomit at the shit I'm seeing, Tumblr is a shell of it's former self, never liked Facebook (and the furry community on there is CRAAAZY), and Tiktok actively makes us dumber while masquerading as a "news source" similarly to Twitter pre Elon buyout. It's all so tiring, as someone who grew up online before social media I miss forums, I miss chatrooms where people actually talked, I miss the social internet not social media. We've stepped backwards it seems, web 1.0 was about not engaging but just consuming, web 2.0 was about engaging, now what is 3.0 about? Asking AI to generate you feet pic tutorial videos??
I digress. I don't know where I'm going with all of this and generally just want to find ways to connect with people online that isn't through social media. Maybe I'll join some dying forums or make a geocities website, but I plan on trying to be more active here socially, whatever that entails.
Do people read these?
--
I've been a furry since I was 16 years old, I've had at least 3 accounts here and despite that I've never truly grasped this website for some reason.
I think a lot of it is because I've primarily used this website for porn. Over the past few years I've completely repaired my relationship with my sexuality, for a long time I hid the fact I liked vore, gore, and all that dark fun stuff (and if you didn't know this, sorry, now you do!) because I didn't want to be judged for it. Especially since there's some people who I used to (and, to a degree still do) consider close friends who are rather against that stuff. I didn't like having those labels applied to me, nor did I like limiting my social interactions to a specific kink community because of gallery contents and other things. Even now, in what I'd genuinely refer to as me post "sexuality repair arc", I get incredibly irritated when people only want to interact with me through kink. Of course I'm the one that wanted to be a woman so maybe they're just radical gender extremists and giving me the real woman treatment of being objectified by anyone attracted to you.
But, I bring this up because this limited who I interacted with on Furaffinity. I think I schema'd this website as the boomer equivalent to e621, when it should be seen as the furry equivalent to deviantart. That's my bad, really, but it's hard to view it differently nowadays especially when my watch submission box is filled with hot dudes more often than anything provocative or emotional. Yes, that's entirely my fault for thirst following and not really using this website as a general art website, but I also have issues actually browsing art in general. Still, it's always felt kind of weird to try and engage with this website beyond logging in for a quick jork and logging out.
Interacting with people via comments always felt off, I didn't like how public it felt compared to responding to a tweet/skeet, or commenting in tumblr tags which were the equivalent of whispered shouts. More than once I've come across pictures both pornographic and nonsexual that make me want to say something, but then I worry about doing so. These comments will outlive me if all goes well for this website, and they're easier to stumble upon. What do they reflect about me? Is the girl trying to engage with high art going to look weird commenting "OH THIS IS GOOD" under a submission of some beefy dude with a ballgut? Probably.
And yet, it feels inappropriate to have multiple active FA accounts. I already dislike uploading to this one, not that there's much wrong with the upload process, I just find it annoying to tag my work when I can't really think of ways to tag it for this website. Furry art site tags are much more categorized so people looking to get their rocks off can just put "paw_fetish belly solo -female -twink" into search and get a huge list of things that appeal to them. I get why, I like it too, but when I'm trying to upload to this site I find it hard to categorize my work. I doubt there's many, if any, people going to search and sobbing that they can't find high art here through search.
I think this is part of it, too. I can't envision my work being enjoyed by the average user here, but I find it hard to envision my work being enjoyed by the average furry. I do wonder how many times someone I thirst watch looks on my page with confusion, "why did this painter follow my vore account?", or something. Of course this is probably a personal self esteem related thing. I find it really hard to envision people liking my paintings unless they're like me and drink wine with their pinky out and know what "translingualism" means. The reception I get on my art is always kind of shocking since it seems palatable to people of all ages and backgrounds.
But, despite these conflicting thoughts, I'd like to try and like FurAffinity more. As time goes on I'm learning to truly, truly despise social media. Bluesky is the only site I can stomach being on nowadays. I go on Xitter and I genuinely want to vomit at the shit I'm seeing, Tumblr is a shell of it's former self, never liked Facebook (and the furry community on there is CRAAAZY), and Tiktok actively makes us dumber while masquerading as a "news source" similarly to Twitter pre Elon buyout. It's all so tiring, as someone who grew up online before social media I miss forums, I miss chatrooms where people actually talked, I miss the social internet not social media. We've stepped backwards it seems, web 1.0 was about not engaging but just consuming, web 2.0 was about engaging, now what is 3.0 about? Asking AI to generate you feet pic tutorial videos??
I digress. I don't know where I'm going with all of this and generally just want to find ways to connect with people online that isn't through social media. Maybe I'll join some dying forums or make a geocities website, but I plan on trying to be more active here socially, whatever that entails.
Do people read these?
comms open
Posted 2 years agocoming back here
Posted 5 years agoI wanna expand my reach a bit and wanted to come back here.
I'm uploading some stuff here, though. I'm just uploading "main" pieces, will post others eventually as I do them!
Happy new year!
I'm uploading some stuff here, though. I'm just uploading "main" pieces, will post others eventually as I do them!
Happy new year!
not dead btw
Posted 7 years agouhhhh
i've been learning how to 3D model lately, sculpting in zbrush and all that. along with that classes are a thing. i'm graduating from uni next year so things are kinda ramping up in intensity, and if you didn't know i'm not going for anything related to art or anything like that so that stuff gets thrown into the back burner. tbh i haven't drawn in weeks.
i don't think anyone cares though so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
i've been learning how to 3D model lately, sculpting in zbrush and all that. along with that classes are a thing. i'm graduating from uni next year so things are kinda ramping up in intensity, and if you didn't know i'm not going for anything related to art or anything like that so that stuff gets thrown into the back burner. tbh i haven't drawn in weeks.
i don't think anyone cares though so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
bronchitis
Posted 7 years agoguess who got it
i'm a little butthurt because i wanted to do christmas drawings for people but when i can't stop coughing for more than 10 minutes at a time that's not really happening
i'm a little butthurt because i wanted to do christmas drawings for people but when i can't stop coughing for more than 10 minutes at a time that's not really happening
Shipwreck -- What to expect
Posted 8 years agoSo, Shipwreck is a thing I've been diddling with. It's a project that's been in the works since around this time last year, and I wanted to make a formal proposal for it.
At the moment, I'm dealing with finals, so production has been slow.
What is it, though?
Shipwreck is a visual novel/puzzle game set on aboard a cruise ship. You play as a student selected for a "worldwide semester" program, in which you will be traveling to other countries on said cruise ship for one whole semester. There are 16 other students you can interact with.
However, things do not go as planned. That is all I will say for the time being~
I will be producing the game in RPG Maker most likely. Originally, I was going to use Ren'Py, but the engine is too limiting, and I do not have the programming experience to use, say, Unity. This is for the most part a one man project, though I may bring in voice actors at a later date. I am considering voicing two characters myself, Suisei, and the main character. But this will depend on the quality of voice actors I can find with my budget (or, lack thereof).
Concept art will be posted here as per usual, and expect me to be uploading regularly come the beginning of the year. At the moment, I am in the middle of finals, so I've been off schedule.
Thanks for giving this a read!
At the moment, I'm dealing with finals, so production has been slow.
What is it, though?
Shipwreck is a visual novel/puzzle game set on aboard a cruise ship. You play as a student selected for a "worldwide semester" program, in which you will be traveling to other countries on said cruise ship for one whole semester. There are 16 other students you can interact with.
However, things do not go as planned. That is all I will say for the time being~
I will be producing the game in RPG Maker most likely. Originally, I was going to use Ren'Py, but the engine is too limiting, and I do not have the programming experience to use, say, Unity. This is for the most part a one man project, though I may bring in voice actors at a later date. I am considering voicing two characters myself, Suisei, and the main character. But this will depend on the quality of voice actors I can find with my budget (or, lack thereof).
Concept art will be posted here as per usual, and expect me to be uploading regularly come the beginning of the year. At the moment, I am in the middle of finals, so I've been off schedule.
Thanks for giving this a read!
