To keep things simple and quick, a lot has happened over the last two years and there are a lot good but also difficult memories attached to this name and this account. I'm beginning to rebuild my creative hobbies and I'd like to continue to post and share them, but I'm not yet sure where I want to do that.

I'm not sure if I will be reviving this account or following proper procedure to create a new one; but if there is anyone interested in keeping in touch or seeing my recent/future work I want to offer an avenue to stay in touch.

If you have telegram my username is Manestream, please feel free to reach out to me however long its been. I'm interested in re-connecting with the people in my life that would like me to be in theirs.

If you don't use telegram but would like to stay in touch please let me know in a comment, I'm happy to provide alternative options for contact.

I apologize for never having been consistent on this account- I still hold fond memories of people I've met here and friendships I've established. I've fallen out of contact with many people I wish I'd stayed in contact with; I'd like to change that moving forward.

Wishing the best to you all, and hoping to reconnect with as many of you as I can.

Haven't been here in 3 years, gonna dust off the account, and see about using it again. Probably about time!

Had a great time at FC :> Shoutouts to all of the fun peeps I got to hang out with ^0^

So, for anypony who hasn't heard from Mir's loop:

After nine years, last Friday Mirelmture and I became fiances! x'3

Its official, we're getting married!

I was inspired by the video here: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/.....of-ponies.html and decided to make a little gif to go with it.

Decided, meaning more like I couldn't tear myself away from the ponyitis coursing through my veins long enough to not complete it. Hope someone gets a laugh out of it.

The gif: http://i1228.photobucket.com/albums.....f?t=1298864910

Awesome: Room mates  chizi  yuuri  siroc  furseiseki  mirelmture  aurelina and Syn (icon?) , 4/5 ties sold, got commissions, met Lindz and Shiro whom I hadn't spoken to in years,  bunnymew didnt even recognize me incognito, sushi boat was delicious, Chizi ate over a tablespoon of wasabi, curry Ramen, Indian cuisine with  auradeva,  ecmajor, and  ken-jo; the invention of the horno and zombie fur plague, badge by  meradragon, saw  hoofnhard with  exileanarkie, bought the 'little pack of monsters' books and lots of other cool stuff, and thanked  nambroth once again for the delightful painting I acquired 2 years ago from her. Lots more happened, all awesome.

Not Awesome: Elevator cable snapped, no elevators for an hour 1/2.

Now, bed.

This is not a 'baaw' post, i mean this as a genuine informative question/ philosophical interest-

So like; I'm one of those people who just doesn't/cant cry often. Its really hard, and rarely comes.

I find that I end up not being able to cry when I really want/need to, and then suddenly out of the blue during a song or while driving, I'll get really emotional and cant stop crying even when nothing is really 'wrong', or at least not more than normal. It happens so rarely though, when I start crying it feels *so damn good* to cry, that I don't want to stop. I feel like there is some overpowering thing that keeps me from really letting my emotions out, and to just cry when I need it. It is *seriously* difficult, even when great losses in my life occur, or when I'm really unhappy. I know some people cry at the drop of a handle, so is this like, the opposite?

Does anyone else get this? Is there some kind of syndrome, or complication or name for what I've got? I'd be interested in looking at methods of helping myself; because I dislike getting so out of whack with my emotions.

But seriously, nothing is wrong other than jobless and the same family health issues that have been going on for a while now, so don't worry ;0; (its not sympathy i want, just some information/knowledge)

Thanks for the help peoples of FA!

Why do you cut meeeee? Dx

So yes!

Highlights about FC-

Roomates: I got to stay with  bhuddistdragon (yaay for not getting caught ;D),  chizi (Wii motes ARE the best- I agree :P),  fable (who showed me how to draw ponies correctly),  mirelmture (<3!),  kaiven (Califur woooooooot!),  aurelina (who is very pretty :'>), and the ever hillarious self-loathing  agouti-rex (did you ever find your sketchbook?) It was very super cool; and they were all really good roomates. I somehow managed to sleep in a bed every night; so i guess next year i'll be on the floor for sure! Dx As crazy as the con was, we got to hang out quite a bit; it was a real pleasure getting to know you crazy people in rl :3

Cookie Party-
WAS AWESOME. Everyone above made an appearance (except for Aurelina, but she was busy).  ecmajor and  auradeva came up to our room and visited with us; and ate  mirelmture 's cookies. There was a lot of laughing, then a lot of art; and EC fell asleep on the bed xD it was actually pretty cute. I'm not a big-fangly-talented artist, but I do love to socialize, and i'm pretty lucky to have met such cool people. Maybe next year we'll get to hang out again- do pizza or dinner FOR REAL this time D: Sorry about my phone dying...

Dealer's Room-
So hey; I actually got to sell some stuff and show off my SL art; and got to see some of the art of people I met at the con; whom are VERY talented. I spent most of the time of the con at the table, pawning my tail-ties off to people who passed, and paling in comparison to Mir's fort-Knox installment of art beside me. Despite (happily) living in her shadow, I got quite a bit of attention over my SL work and the Tail-ties; which is a boost I've needed for a while. A few people inquired about comissioning me for tail-ties and similar accessories after the con, which I am kicking myself for not writing their names down- but I did pass out cards. The one name I did catch was  dingbat, I recognized because I had pry my eyes away from her *awesome* pottery. Hopefully, people will follow through and I can make some money back spent on the con- I really enjoyed making the Tail-ties. Oh- for that matter, I have 5 left; $15 each; i'll post pictures of them so people can take a look at them.

Within the first hour of us setting up table  bunnymew stopped by to greet us; I hadnt seen her since her last trip to Chico! The best thing about awesome people is that they are always so excited to see you ;0; it really made me happy. Thank you so much hon for the Kia-baa-sheep xD I *love* it :'> And i'm so sorry we couldnt come by for icecream :< It is my biggest regret this con, that I wasnt able to make it work. I promise, next time we hang out, i'll make it up to you! xD

I also commissioned  Kiohl to make me and Mir a sushi badge- which both came out stunningly hunger-inducing; and precious. Thanks much to her again; she was quite gracious and friendly; I probably seemed like a bit of a moron, but I was just very impressed with how likeable of a personality she had. Only a table length down was Shelly as well; whom I met at AX 2008- it was SO VERY GOOD to see Shelly again; she always has a smile and gives genuine hugs; another very rare person that I am really fortunate to know. I bought one of her Ika, and keep it ontop of my t.v. I am *terrified* of squid; but she's gone and made them adorable :P Thus is the power of Shelly... Its very inspiring to see such a successful artist make her way in the world as well. It gives me all that much more hope for Katie (though; I am quite convinced she will be successful at whatever she does) and feeds that poor starving artist inside of me that I abandoned in college five years ago a little smidge of inspiration and hope. Perhaps, someday I can achieve my dreams too :'>

We also had a surprise visitor that wishes to remain anonymous stop by our table three times; Mir had mentioned them several times and when she's excited to meet someone, it always makes me excited as well. It really was a surprise too- they exuded a very sweet positive personality. I find people like that very attractive to be around; as i'm a bubbly and happy person by nature as well. I hope, that if that person reads this, they'll consider meeting us again in the future; it would be a real pleasure to get to know the person behind the name. ='}

 ecmajor turned out to be very sweet too- but I already knew that from talking to them online. Though EC is so skinny! xD I'm envious, truthfully! Also, the best fursuit in my opinion by far; the money hanging out of the thong was too adorable to be wrong xD There were other fursuits that were very impressive; but I like ungulates, so i'm biased... there was an impressive 7-8 foot yeti; and several other noteworthy suits such as a demon/dog i think i recognize from WoW; and a horse with big cloppy-hollow hooves.

I also met an extraordinarily handsome man named Enki (he WAS handsome; that doesn't mean I'm attracted to him :P Im just saying it was impressive) who was dressed in a steam-punk outfit. It was *exceptionally* well done; completely custom made jewelry, goggles, watches, and a fine leather vest with a royal blue shirt beneath. But the best part was the golden and blue scarf he had found; it was just *gorgeous* He looked like he had stepped off of a victorian steam-airship; it was so authentic :P Aside from taking up an hour of his life asking questions and admiring his outfit, he left me his website; I'll make a plug for that later in another post so everyone else can go enjoy his work as well. If I can get them off my phone; I'll post some pictures as well!

There were a lot more fun encounters as well- Jace, a Linden and SL user left me a business card, many artists and new faces- all in all the experience really inspired me to get back into the creative field. I like the work I was doing, I like the people I was meeting, and I felt good about myself. That hasn't happened in the last year and a half of my life as a teacher. So if anyone who's hiring for a 3d modelist/editor/artist/writer is reading this- PLEASE CONTACT ME; i've got so much to give xD

Only things I wish I could have done more of was some sketchbook trades. But now I have all year to get good enough to actually do some for next year.

And  myrth needs to come with us next year! You were sorely missed!

I had a great time! In fact, i'm going to post all about it tomorrow, after I get some rest Dx look out for a very exciting post then!

Where are you staying?
The hotel! Dont know room # or floor, but thats okay!

Who will you be with?
 Mirelmture ,  myrth (maybe) ,  agouti-rex ,  chizi (Hello person I will meet~!) and maybe some others~!

Do you do trades?
Yah, I probably could. In either verse, or sketches; but I'm no wonderful artist; I just have bouts of creativity now and then; so dont expect too much! xD

What suits will you have?
Noooooone; I dont own any. I've been dressing up in different ways to change my appearance :D

What is your gender?
Y'know, I'm going to answer this how I've always wanted to, and with the honest truth. I am feminine and girly, I will be wearing women's clothes, look for my name tag, and don't let your eyes fool you any differently - you'll be speaking to a woman where it matters most.

How old are you?
25 (Quarter of a centuuuuryyyyy! Gonna be a good year!)

Can I touch you?
When I converse, I generally give hugs, pat shoulders, or touch in some manner, I'm a naturally affectionate person. I would ask to not be touched in any inappropriate way though, as this would make me cry :<

Can I talk to you?
Of course; I will be standing (or sitting) in Mir's shadow most of the con, so find her and you will likely find me as well. I do love a good chat :}

Can I buy you lots of drinks?
I like drinks; I don't know who would spend money on ME this economy; and if the nature of this question is "will you let me get you drunk?" then, no. I'll have a drink with a stranger, I will not get drunk with one.

Can I give you lots of money?
for......? In the ridiculous scenario that someone actually OFFERS me money, it will be for services of the artistic sort. Or maybe doing some lifting/moving stuff. I'm not hugely comfortable with charity.

Can I hug or snuggle with you?
If I am lucky enough to meet someone I know there at FC in the wild throng of people, then yes you can hug me :'> I prefer them to handshakes, but dont misunderstand a hug either- by embracing and placing my heart so close to yours, it means: 'I inherently trust you with my safety, goodwill, and friendship.' Please don't abuse them. As for snuggling, if I know you (like kaiven or poms or someone) and you need to rest your head on my shoulder, or lean against my back, thats more than fine. Other than that, I get more snuggles than I know what to do with from  Mirelmture .

How tall are you?
About 5'9 1/2. Not too big, not too small. I weight about 162.

You look pissed off out of suit can I come up to you?
I have no suit, and will be out of it the entire con. I don't get pissed easily, so if I *look* pissed, I'm probably not. Maybe I'm thinking real hard and broke something. Come up to me anyway, whatever the reason I'd be upset, it's got nothing to do with you. And if I cant talk at that time, I'll politely let you know :3

Are you nice?
Probably to a fault. I am not going to be able to help anyone with anything this year, but I believe myself a fun person to be around; I'm very positive!

Are you cliquey?
Not at all. I do enjoy being with friends though; but I don't "cast" anyone away from me.

Can I stalk you?
Please don't creep me out D: I don't want to pee myself out of fright due to some creepy hotel-horror developing at the con.

How long are you going?
Thurs to Sun? Maybe-ish? I think? Whatever the entire con is~

Do you have an artist table?
With my favorite artist evar! D: Mirelmture is going to let me sit with her! I'll have to behave myself so I dont embarass her. :3

Do you like parties?
Depends on my mood. If you invite me, I'll likely show up for at some point; but there will be no dancing on tables, or gratuitous amounts of drinking! I am poor and will be eating ramen out of a coffee mug, likely. So if you have food, yes I'll come ;0;

If i see you, how should i get your attention?
Oh maybe... come up and introduce yourself, talk about art, poetry, literature, clothes, ask if we can chat a while, or maybe we can meet somewhere for coffee or something. I dont know, just dont do anything too awkward like: *creepy nasally breathing* Do you wanna... *creepy nasally breathing* see... *awkward pause* ... my room?
Y'know, on second thought, just say "Hi Kia", thats probably for the best...

Anyhow, looking forward to it!

I got to step into the new store in San Fran and TRY ON the dresses there. I was even naughty enough to put on some socks. I don't think I've ever worn like $500+ in clothes at once ever before, it was pretty crazy xD

Mir, Ashe, and the attendent thought I was cute~ I thought there was a draft... @_@

It was awesome fun <3!

Sorry if this has been circulated already- but I dont think it has been!

I find this hillariously relevant to every MMO i've ever played... I hope you enjoy this as much as I did XD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urNy.....mp;feature=fvw

I've called my CSU. Through a lot of heckling, redirecting, and the assistance of several very helpful ladies, I was pointed to a counseling group of masters students in training. They focus mainly on Marriage and family living counseling, but I spoke with one of the representatives, and explained my case (that I struggle as being gender dysphoric) and I was looking for some real help.

She said that she would keep me anonymous, and ask her supervisor if my case would be appropriate for counseling sessions with both trainees (supervised, by experts, of course) to work with me. The big plus: its free. The students, are also fresh and current on theory, with fresh and current professors in the field. Still though; they are trainees, and that concerns me some.

Theyre considering my case, and if they can not accept me, then they will still give me their best recommendation to a facility that can.

Its shocking, sobering, but liberating too. It was hard to tell someone over the phone that the reason I was calling was because I felt I was the wrong sex; someone who could look at my name, my file, and all of my information; and just trust them. I almost didn't tell her; but I'm so very glad I did.

Exciting journey ahead. Frightening, but exciting. *crosses fingers*

this is me. I'm writing this here, because I can't seem to cope with these feelings. I showed an old friend, and they said it helped them understand me; so perhaps, this will help others understand too. But, I'll warn you a second time, this is whining; don't expect much more.

I never understood fully why I was born this way. It has not been an issue in some nine years. Well, that’s not true. It has always been a problem, but the past nine years it has been a quiet one. Tamed, I thought. Rationalized, compartmentalized, manageable and managed. It’s funny, how similar that is, the feeling of control, to the complete lack of it. When hidden away behind the cardboard walls of resolution, it did not rest. It festered; fevered; boiled, matacisized, and eventually found its way back into my blood again.

I watch my friend, I see how the hormones affect her; how her hair grows lighter and fuller on her head; how it recedes from the other parts of her body; becoming fine. Disappearing. I see her hips, how they have elevated outward, noticeably wide. Her sleek skin, it glows with that watery softness; that maternal potential. Her voice, has changed, too. And as her body re-creates itself, her whispers of glad aches and pains as her breasts blossom; I stand by listening. Happy for her, but ever her tortured captive as I gaze with hidden longing and envy; my fingers moving, my heart fluttering as I think “…that could be me.” Or maybe, it’s the voice deep inside of me, resentful; hurt by the sour gamble my genes made with life; whispering “that should have been me,” as the image of my motherhood hangs on the hips and figure of every would-be mother like a ghost.

I cradle myself behind my cardboard cut-out answers. I’m pensive, but fearful; every little doubt punching a new hole into my lame defense, letting the light of inevitable truth through, a little more. I suppose, on top of fearful, I am a liar. These new revelations; these new glimpses of a future and life I have longed for, these dreams I’ve banished myself from with the word “impossible”; they taunt me. They blow gaping shotgun-sized holes into my defense, leaving me amongst the ruins of my absurdly tired words of comfort. They tempt me to accept the truth, as they eliminate my bastions of emotional asylum.

But it is being a child of 25 that has broken the last of my resolve. Forced me to turn around, and see my life for what it is not. Forcing doubt past my teeth and into my stomach; then into my blood. There is not much more time for me. Even now, if things were different, if I were to change my mind, the affects would not be as great. I would risk a life of uncomfortable ambiguity, and perhaps; even more unhappy an existence than I am now. I am at the point of no return though; I am right where the decision must be made if I want a chance at that life.

I must look my unhappiness. My sister just told me “don’t look so solemn. It is a great day to be alive.” Her friend, my boss, also chimed in. “Sometimes, after all, people die.” Naturally, I smile, inside and out, because I know their words to be more true and honest than any of the three of us realize.

Perhaps, that is the answer. It is not eternally satisfying. Perhaps it will not work tomorrow; but the truth is I will never have ovaries; or a womb. Even if I had the sleek curve and whispers of second lips, the arches, and passages necessary for motherhood- for natures finest, greatest gift- I will still never be able to become pregnant. Never to be a mother. Perhaps hormones and surgery would bring me closer; that would likely bring me happiness, but deepen my grief, envy, and loss as well. Perhaps it would be a good thing; but it wouldn’t ever be real. In the end; I would be so caught up trying to change my life and myself that I would fail to live it. I am inclined to wanting it all, it seems. Even as I consider these words, they shrivel up; offended and singed as they curl into ash. It is a waste of time but damn it, I *feel* my motherhood, my desire to be female like a phantom body. My mind knows, my spirit knows, even my genes- after their poor gambit - know; but all to no useful end. If there is no changing it, why fret about trying too? If today is a reason to smile (which I whole heartedly believe it is), then why give time to reasons to frown?

Stupid, repetitive, childish questions. Nine years later, I have the same questions, the same doubts. I am fearing regret, and because I fear it I give it room in my heart and life. I ask myself a lot now: “Is this the way it was meant to be?”, “Do I have time in my life to regret a decision, a future, not my own?” I tell myself that I should simply feel and use that passion, whether happy or sad, and do all the things in my life that I am capable of controlling to make it better.

But still, every day is the same. I see someone else with that beautiful arc. That inward warmth. That fertility. And I think “That should have been me. That should have been…” No matter the resolution, always the same. It’s a lot like the fear of death. I don’t believe that this is my one shot; but if it is, then the thought of losing my only chance is unbearable. It’s a haunting, irrational fear; and there is nothing, or little to nothing that I can do to set it to rest. Even if I had the surgery; there is no going back. I run the risk of disfigurement, of disappointment with something artificial. I say that pain is necessary; suffering makes joy real- but I can *not* find reason in my heart to justify this kind of twisting, wrenching, self hatred. I hate to think that I can’t wear a swimsuit, or G string, and be sexy, sleek. I hate that I can’t understand how satisfying that must feel. Such simple pleasures, simple existence; denied me.

I am remembering how to hate myself, so how do I keep from growing jaded?

I want to say this, but I don't know where to post it. So its going here.

Teaching is making me a mean unhappy person. I've never encountered a force so destructive as it. Having a great day is uplifting, sure. Very much so. But having one terrible day in teaching is enough to wreck and ruin days. Its enough to crush my self-esteem, to embarrass me socially, and intimately. Enough to make me harder, colder, and more spiteful.

I gotta get out of this place. Tim O'Brien once wrote "You don't have to be in Nam, to be in Nam."

Ive never spilt so much hope and blood over something as this; I am tired of this war. I want to go home.

And my PACT is unofficially OVER. Tomorrow (later today? 5 hours?) I submit the most painful semester of my life. Yay. Now for sleep, and I hope, for some well deserved rest and dreams.

Edit:
Pact is over. Uploaded and completed; its about damn time.

The sensation of being free is so good, I almost feel like I could have a smoke. Here's hoping it comes back with passing grades all over the board; i do NOT want to have to redo any of this beast.

Super extra kudos and thanks to : mirelmture: for staying up till 4am with me, scanning copies of student work and other junk to make it all possible. Lots of love hon :'>

have a moment of time; then I could really use your help.

Whatever spiritual or religious diety(ies) you believe in, please put in a good word for me these upcoming weeks. I could really really use the help.

Thank you; I mean it.

Music is *so* beautiful. Simply nothing compares to how deep, moving, and emotionally pure music is. I hope i come back as a song as beautiful as this one: Reunion (Love Found Us)

And I have very little to show on my account; in fact these last six months have proven very unproductive in the creative part of my life. Teaching, has turned out to be incredibly difficult and time consuming; I've discovered that its not the thing I want to do for the rest of my life.

I have to make the things I love doing my full-time job, and while that may prove hard right now, its what I need to do to build a future worth living for me. I dedicate myself to visit here and post work more often. With much thanks to a friend, Im feeling very motivated, and have written down the guidelines to my first story; i'd like to draw out the storyboard over the next few days, and see if I can begin illustrating it.

I spoke with the creative writing director of the master's program; he's willing to review my work with some of his colleagues to see if I can gain entry into the masters program; if not he'll recommend classes for me to take prior. Im nervous, but I suppose that just means I have some serious writing to do.

I've also been accepted into a novel writing group. I've got big shoes to fill, so I'd best put a foot forward soon, and make sure its a good one.

I've made a lot of steps in the right direction towards realizing my real dreams, now, I just have to put *everything* I have into them. Hope I'm up to it.

I apologize for the staleness of my account lately; i'm working on some poetry, but I cant seem to get anything ready to post; it doesnt feel of a high enough quality yet. When i'm over the hump, i'll post again I promise :3

SO im a lifeguard :3 All you peeps that live in the CA area should come up to my beautiful (and tiny) hometown and come swimming. We should have a HUGE BEACH PARTY!

Anyway, along a more realistic scale; I'd like to meet people at FC next year. Which means that I have to make some super cool stuff so people might actually know who I am.

I've been thinking about some ink brush paintings, mixed with poetry. If I post an example, would anyone be interested in critiquing and giving pointers?

Yay! Its meh Hatch-day! XD Going to go paint a deck, then go to columbia to pick up my ever so lovely  mirelmture and then buy some truffles from the candy kitchen there, then maybe go pick up  myrth if he wants and see Kung Fu Panda; then after that we'll go climbing on some rocks with whoever else wants to come (sighs~ my favorite XD) and then go to dinner with  mirelmture and my Dad.

Then maybe after that, if i can talk people into it, we can go bowling; or go do something else fun! I think it will be a good day :3

oh, BTW, i wrote some more poetry, but havnt really felt up to sharing it; it feels kind of corny. Since its about graduating from college and stuffs.

To send  mirelmture love. I dont care how, but dooo it! She deserves it :3

GO TO HER PAGE AND TELL HER HOW AWESOME AND LOVED SHE IS!

THATS AN ORDER.

god dammit;

I might be a freak but I don't care.

This song makes me think about flying over green fields and misty heights. I wish that I could have hatchlings. That would be awesome.

tell me something profound. Something from deep inside you. I don't care if it is a word, or a page. But say something.

My contribution: If I am happy, then it is because I have known sadness. If I have known sadness, it is only because i have been happy. When I was born I cried. I wonder if those tears were tears of happiness, or sadness? I wonder if when we are born, we already have this knowledge, as if it was passed on through our DNA, or if it is instilled in us with that first breath; that first taste of life?

Life is a process of teaching you that you that you are not whole until you have been broken, and healed again. How much sweeter is flying for the bird that has had a broken wing? How much more satisfying is food and drink for those who have starved?

I wonder if that is why infants cry so hard; and laugh so pure.