Wow, holy HECK has it been a hell of a long time since I've posted a journal! In fact, ever since I've joined the Marine Corps, a big step of my life, and what used to be my life long dream.

I'm not a Marine any longer. Well, not one of Active Duty, anyhow, but I'll forever be able to hold that title. So I suppose my dream wasn't completely crushed! Though not all panned out exactly as I had hoped. I didn't find that brotherhood I had sought for, that sense of importance, sometimes even the feeling of accomplishment being snuffed out under a boot. But I've been able to accept it more and more as time passes and I don't believe I would have changed anything, it helped mature me quite a lot.

That's past stuff though, let's talk a bit more about the present!

This year has been huge for me. One year ago I was a manager at a Domino's restaurant. And it is shitty. Dead-end job practically, though I was offered to be a GM, and horrible pay, working hours, and environment. I'd hear people bitch and complain all day that they don't make enough money, or they hate their hours, or they hate this and don't wanna do that and won't do this and DAMN! They made MORE than me and I was their manager. I did MORE than them, but they wanted me to do more. I worked worse hours and more than they did, but they could only complain. A lot to shoulder and it was not fun at all, but I trucked on along.

Of course, wanting to get a new apartment and get life rolling, I needed to quit the job and, despite a bad shoulder injury, I was set to go into a factory job at Honda to try and pull in better funds. This never came to be though, thankfully.

One week before I was set to start, what I thought, would be a bleak career I was contacted by an IT company I had applied for 3 weeks prior. Note that I had been applying pretty consistently to anywhere and everywhere at the time, and had been doing this for almost a year and a half. But my hopes were dead, prior to this phone call. And just.... They loved me! They wanted to hire me as soon as possible and, 3 interview crammed into a single week later, I was hired on and looked at with flying colors!

This was so massively important to me. This was my second goal in life. The Marine Corps was my first and I had been Data in there. IT guy. Just... Military is a lot different than civilian world, we hardly use ANYTHING useful to civilians in there. Not to mention I hardly got ANY experience, but I had been hopefully! After leaving, a career in IT was my next big goal in life. Even my next dream.

And I had achieved it. Out of no where, as if by some sort of fate. I mean, let me be COMPLETELY clear, I was in a VERY low point in my life. Despite friends and my own cheerful attitude as a facade, it was quite dismal for me. I hated my job, hated my future, it was bleak.

Then out of no where I get hired into the career path I had worked so fucking hard to get for over a year. Interviews failed, calls not given back, employers taking on someone else or leaving my voice to rot. I had worked so hard and had gotten SO CLOSE so many different times, I just couldn't believe it. And not only am I finally in the career that I've wanted, I LOVE MY JOB! And they love me!! I've been very, very successful in my field so far and I'm getting constant praise, I've only been in for a month and a half and my OMs are already talking as if I'll be a manager before they know it!

I look forward to my job, as a bonus I even work from home. Finances are better than they have EVER been in my life, and I can look to do so many things I would have thought impossible just 6 months prior. Things such as buying a home, getting a new car, just... What a change!

It's been such a big year. And in such a good way! And I'm excited to see what my future holds in this new company. Something I'm passionate for and a job I can look forwards to going into for the first time in my life. I can't wait to see what I become.




Woo, birthday over!

Posting this here a day ahead of time, because I don't believe I'll be able to get online tomorrow. If I do it won't be for long.

That aside I'm going to officially be gone January 18th and I will be shipped to boot camp the following day, on Tuesday! I'll be gone for about three months there. For anyone wondering, I highly doubt I'm going to have any sort of internet access at all.

So in three months time I should very well be a Marine.

I wonder if I'll remember to even write them all down and stuff! There's so many on my mind that I doubt it. Yet once I'm done with this journal I bet it won't seem like so many after all.

Let's start off with some good news! If fact, I think that's the only kind of news I'll be sharing this time around. First things first; my training. I've been doing physical training in the delayed entry program for a while now. At first... Boy did I suck! I'm not fat or anything, quite the opposite. I have a good, naturally athletic build. But I'm also lazy, so I didn't preform well at all.
To throw this all out there my starting run times for a mile and a half were 15:50 I believe. Passing time is 13:30. That's a HUGE difference and, trust me, shaving off that much time isn't as easy as it seems.
For the rest of the IST I have to do a minimum of 3 pull ups and 45(?) crunches in 2 minutes. (Unsure on the crunches, might be 55.)
I started pull-ups at 7, not bad. It wasn't too hard because I've always had good arm strength. If I remember right though... Crunches, for me, started at 37. It was pitiful!
During my training I've been working hard and improving a lot though! My latest scores are showing flying colors. I can now complete a mile and a half running it in 12:31. My pull-ups have increased to 10 and my crunches were at a whopping 87 last time I did them! I've felt very proud of myself for coming this far, but I still want to continue improving and becoming better.

Wanna hear even more good news? I'm going to be an Aviation Mechanic for the Marine Corps! :D Isn't that nuts?! I was so blown away that I got THAT job!

Now let's talk about other stuff. My sona, for instance! I have a question for you all. What would you think of me getting a picture and being a Floatzel now instead?
For all those that instantly become worried at seeing that, don't worry! I am NOT throwing my Raichu away, I still love my sona. In fact my Raichu is going to be my main sona. I just... Wanna be something else, ya know? Try things out and have fun! See what a Floatzel would look like as my sona. Again though, there's no way I'm throwing away my Raichu. I still have so much love for the design and all.

It's been a long time since I've made a journal, even though I always wanna get around to it. It's not lack of motivation, just laziness XP

I've been out of that depressive slump I was in for quite a while now. Though I feel so, so down as of late. So many bad things are happening and there's nothing I can do to stop them. I'm feeling incredibly sad and lost despite having friends that want to cheer me up everyday. The past few days specifically have been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Wonderful things happening, yet at the same time terrible things rising as well.

On a few other notes I suppose I'll try to upload more of the works I've commissioned for. I need to post more things of my Raichu sona anyhow and get an icon for him, so everyone stops thinking I'm a Riolu!

I've also been working towards becoming a Marine and I am making progress. It's hard though and it won't be getting any easier anytime soon. But I've been proud of myself so far, I've made it a long ways when it comes to my physical health. I'm able to run more and faster; that's been one of the most important things. I'm starting to be able to complete IST's without failing them.

Well it's been quite some time since I put out a journal, hasn't it? Thank you to all who read the last one and commented.
Sorry I didn't respond to the mass majority of you. At the time I really was just trying to push everything away and couldn't bring myself to do so. But I did appreciate it and was actually quite surprised to see some people take notice!

That being said, there's been a lot that's been going on with me. Some things I'll decide not to mention.

I suppose the thing I'd like to talk about most is good news! Just a few days ago I talked to a recruiter and I'm finally doing it.

I'm going to be a Marine.

Yep, that's right! I have it all set up, I start testing and training very soon. No, not bootcamp training. More like... Training so I don't die in bootcamp xD
Going to get myself in shape and show them I have what it takes to get into that branch. I will be one of the few and the proud.
I don't even know what that feeling will feel like just yet... But I bet it'll be awesome!

Aaaaand I think I'll actually end the journal with that! I'd rather this just be a journal of good news and nothing sour X3

To anyone who has decided to open up this journal today, or whenever, I thank you for doing so and want to say hi. I need to say though that I don't expect anyone to read this; I truly don't. Save for maybe a close friend or maybe even someone who wants to know me a bit more, understand what goes on in my head.
I, personally, would recommend anyone to leave though and don't bother reading this journal. It's going to be long and serious, maybe a bit of a rant. Along things I think up everyday, what's been bugging me as of late. I've finally been bugged enough to want to write about it, get it out there.
That being said
I hate writing this still. I hate it because I feel like... An ass for doing so. I'm reaching out; I need to understand and accept that. And by doing so I'm just being an attention seeking ass for doing it.

I'll say it once more though - If you want to read this, you certainly may and I'll enjoy you doing so. But I DO recommend you leave.


~~


I don't even know where to start. It's like I have stage fright; my mind is in a jumble. Typing as I'd speak, as if I was doing a speech on the fly!
I enjoy doing those a lot. I've been told I was good at doing those.
Probably not though. Maybe I'm just saying that to pat myself on the back and feel good about myself.

I've been feeling a constantly feeling welling up inside of me. It's so sad, I've felt like crying and bursting in emotions for weeks now. Yet I keep myself bottled up. So tightly closed, I let not a sound come up.
Not an indication. Never a hint. Smiles and jokes; that truly is my life.
Am I a disguise?

I see it. Every. Day. It eats at me, horrors. Yet I continue on and on and on.
What is it I see?
Death. I see a flash. A barrel kicks. Smoke. Blood.
Metal smashing against metal. Bone giving in. So brutal, so terrible.
I think of my death just about everyday now. Several times a day now. Getting shot, getting into a car accident, just... So many different scenarios.
I see it as I'm driving down the street. Just driving down the road, so peacefully. But then it flashes in my mind; a car blindsiding me and killing me by running into my driver side door. Out of no where.
A dark room when I get shot in the head. BANG. BANG. BANG. Flashes of brilliant light illuminate the room.
I don't just see me though. I see other things. Rather it's an important role playing character to me, a friend, even family at times. I can't stop thinking of these things. I hate it so much, it's terrible.

Maybe I'm thinking of all that because I feel I'm failing in life. Maybe I know I'm failing. Like this world is just... Too much noise for me. I can't handle it. What if I'm just not meant for this world? As if I'm not made for it.
"Kiba, what do you do? What's your job?" "What do you want to do as you grow up?" "What do you do?"
People ask these things all the time. It's a standard question and an easy way to open up a good conversation. Where do I work? What kind of person am I?
My answer.
Military. Military. Military. The Marines.
I tell people each and every time that I'm GOING to do this. I'm GOING to sign up, be a Marine! Be successful, have a career in the military!
What if I'm lying to myself? What if I DON'T do it? Am I really going to?
Or am I lying. What if I fall on this just because... It's a respectable answer? Because it'll make me look good. Give me an image.
Am I just a failure in disguise?
A failure. Yes.
Faker. Failure. Liar. Selfish.
So selfish.
I can never.
NEVER
Stop thinking myself as selfish. Such a bastard. I'm so fucking selfish, dammit.
And I hate myself for it.

I'm so selfish as to ask people to read this fucking journal. This poorly written shit that I want them to sit through.
As if they'd want to.
As if they'd fucking care to.
FUCK
I'm so selfish that I'm BLAMING the people reading this now. As if it's their fault I'm doing this? As if it's THEM that's causing my problems.
Yet it's not.

I hate myself so. Why can't I do things right? Why can't I be more caring? Be more. I'm so lazy and it's causing me to fail. I want to be so much more.
I don't deserve more though. I don't deserve a thing.



Before I wrote this I imagined a fantasy. In fact, that was the original title of this journal; "A Fantasy".
I imagined something that I wanted. Though it's selfish to want such a thing as this as well. I'll say it anyhow though.
I wanted to talk to people. Have them listen to me. Just to hear me speak and talk out my problems, I feel I speak so much better than I write.
I want my voice to be heard. In front of a small crowd of people. I'd settle for a Skype call in a heartbeat.
So selfish my request
Silence... Just talking and having people listen. Hearing what they have to say after I pause or finish speaking.
Having maybe... ten people in the room. All of us, having a headset on, ideally with mics... Just talking.
I imagine it could be more than that. A connection of people.

I used to be a leader of a GSA group. I made such... awe inspiring speeches. Perhaps that, too, is selfish of me to claim. I probably didn't do as well as I thought.
When I spoke though. The whole room was silent. Their eyes fixed on me, waiting for me to speak. My speeches were always serious and cut deep. I would speak and it would connect the whole group.
I would make us a family.
For at least a few moments; this group would be a family. We'd cry together, as my speeches always seemed to drive emotion out of people.

-This has gone so off-topic. I should just stop.-

Yet there never truly was a topic. Just me. Me saying what was on my mind...
And here I feel this pathetic journal will end.
What started off with sadness-
turned into anger.-
Which ended with defeat.
An idea of a reality which will not come.










How could it? No one should have read this any how.

Never really told anyone, but I'm back from being gone in Florida for a week!

I had a good time there. Got a very nice new tan I really wanted and got to escape the cold and gray of my home state; Ohio. I hate the cold to death and getting out to experience tropical weather was great. It even snowed back at home! Yeah, screw you too Ohio!

Being in Florida again was so nice, it fit ME so much better. I loved the weather, the marine life, the creatures there in general. I got to hunt down and catch some lizards (no, I didn't kill them.) and I even picked up a JELLYFISH! Heck yeah! >x)

I also picked up some species of crab I actually couldn't recognize as well, it was pretty cool. I find it so funny when they splay their legs and arms out when they are mad. They be like "Yeah BITCH, come at me!" when in reality they can't do anything. It's so cute xD

I love animals and all so much. Since before I can remember, I've been catching things. Always with my hands, too! I've caught tadpoles, frogs, snakes, turtles, catfish, regular fish, lizards, the list goes on of when I've reached down and grabbed out of the water (or land) with my hands! I bet I'd attempt to scoop up an Alligator out of the water if I actually lived in Florida. I was tempted to when I saw a few adolescents when Kayaking down a river. My mother would have given me the scolding of the lifetime if I did that, though >.>
Plus I had my kid brother in the boat with me. I wouldn't have wanted to risk his health for that. If I was alone then, you'd bet I'd have attempted to get that 'gator!

Then hightail it before mama 'gator came xD


Anyhow, I'm gonna end this here. It's probably already a bitch to read through and I doubt anyone will want to. I'm back though!