https://gofund.me/6a25f4b3d

 birdpaw has set up a GoFundMe to support my ketamine treatment. To be honest, I'm afraid to involve anyone in my many problems, which I don't know when or how to solve. My doctor is skeptical about ketamine treatment. To what extent should I make my own decisions about my life? What should I believe and what should I doubt? I don't know. However, this project is concrete, and I feel an obligation to undergo treatment for those who have supported me.
On the other hand, my doctor's negative opinion of ketamine is weighing on my resolve. It's not currently considered a medical procedure in Japan, so it's expensive and doesn't guarantee official backup by professional. Ultimately, it's a personal choice, but I feel like I don't have the power to choose. Ketamine was suggested by Vec, and based on hearsay that Vec's friend had recovered from it.
The pressure I feel from the doctor, and from my obligation to my supporters, both push me in opposite directions. What I want is to try this at least once, my condition is not good and I feel I don't belong anywhere. My hope is this can help me feel different in a way that helps me sort my life. I'm grateful to everyone involved. You're helping me push to the next step.

text helping by vec and  pentalis thank you. and for all visitors.

My condition remains poor, and I barely remember anything after May. I've lost my focus, my sense of safety, and my sense of place. While I've found shallow water to breathe in the past, my nights are getting deeper and longer each day. My primary symptom is a continued loss of self and faith (not a specific religion, but the spiritual direction necessary for the human organism to function).

Medically, my doctor has again prescribed lithium carbonate, which takes three weeks to take effect (it has previously caused me to develop economy class syndrome and thrombosis). I tried CBD oil, recommended by several people who provided me with information, but it didn't have any noticeable effect. I also underwent genetic testing for ADHD, and my folate levels were normal, as was my stress tolerance (meaning supplements wouldn't improve my chances of recovery). There was talk of hospitalization, but my mother didn't want it to be in a closed ward if it were (for suicidal thoughts). Ketamine treatment is an option, but it's expensive (around $3,000), and while some people are willing to donate, it's still unclear when they'll actually working the plan. Techniques like behavioral therapy, including EDMR, are not yet common in Japan, and I haven't been able to find a hospital that offers it so far(but I need to try find). I still waiting new doctor's schedule but he is too busy and I don't know when he open more space.

My biggest obstacles aren't the money, but rather my own failure experiences and my fear of setting a direction because I don't know what direction to go in. Donations are meant to appeal to people who want me to recover. But I can't help thinking, "People are hoping for my recovery. I'm hoping for my recovery as if it were a fantasy. Like a dream. What if I make people spend their real money, time, and effort on something so uncertain, and then fail? I'll just become more and more miserable, and people will be disappointed that I don't recover. If that's the case, shouldn't I just die without anyone knowing? I have a dark, shadowy personality, something I was born with, and the recovery I imagine is magical, and it doesn't exist." I don't know if this is right or wrong. Every time I say "I need help," it's as if thorns of emptiness are digging into my body, burning a hole inside.

The sense of art is far away. It appears for a moment in my dreams in the morning, or disappears into old music, but it evaporates without being shared with anyone. As a Japanese speaker, I feel a language barrier here, and the Japanese community has no place for me to speak like this, so I feel trapped.

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11209683/

I still have 1 slot open. I need to live until I finish these, so please help me.

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/62086646/
Like this $70, for 3 slots.
Please leave comments.

Of course I accept Lazyloaf. Now list is empty.

slot1- taken
slot2- taken
slot3- taken

I've tried CBD oil. I'm going to therapy. I'm looking for a Lazyloaf commission. I drew a piece for Art Trade. I'm doing what I can. Things aren't going so well, but I'm doing what I can. I need support, but I don't know what that support is.

For now, I'm starting an activity on Bluesky. I'd love for more people to buy Lazyloaf, so I'd appreciate it if you could RP my work. LAZYLOAF can be used freely for merchandise, and I'd really like to collaborate with indie games and various projects. of course Tsukurikake too.

bluesky
https://bsky.app/profile/tsukurikake.bsky.social

I have received many messages from people regarding this matter. I have read them all, but I am not native and I have limited emotional energy, and I am getting very hard trying to reply to all of them. However, many of the messages are really meaningful. I hope you will wait for my reply. Today, I told my mother my wishes. I cried for a long time. she said she know im suffered for a really long time. I hope I can find a doctor who understands me. Or I will get help to get back into the creative world again (the main reason I am losing hope is because I lost fantasy and control my own way), or I will find something else entirely. I don't know. For now, I want hope, the certainty that I might be able to hold my death in my hands.

Well, today I have to go to my doctor with a pamphlet from Dignitas. I have to act to decide for myself how I will die. At the same time, I have to go to an ophthalmologist because my eyesight has deteriorated severely. The source of my activities is to die as I want, and I am working to survive for that purpose. It seems contradictory, but it is aimed at one goal. I have not changed my desire to die, my hope in life is still death, I live for that purpose, and I want to have dignity and pride in the way I die. I think I am looking for people who agree with this idea and will work with me. It is related to the principle that humans do not live alone.

We will all die someday. We don't know when it will come, or how much pain it will cause. I don't know who can understand it, but the peace of mind of being able to decide for myself is something I can't replace.

https://artfight.net/~Kiki_CR

I'm going to participate again this year, even though I'm feeling really rough.
I hope this month of festivities will lift my spirits.

Well, because of the responses from many people, I felt that it might be time to think again about the connection between "death wish" and expression and human beings. Paradoxically, it seems that expressing it was a positive thing for me. (I felt like I continued to express them in a small way with X and other things, but somehow it seemed insufficient.) So I would like to incorporate this into art fight, but such themes usually alienate people. But I think that art is rather for such things. I am looking for a way.

I received a lot of responses. Everyone is different, but I am surprised that there are so many people in this community whose feelings are stirred up by my words. I am the one who ultimately decides my own affairs, but I don't find the responses annoying. people usually hesitate to say such things, so I thought that this would be a place to share such words and feelings. I read all of the replies, but I apologize for not being able to respond adequately to all of them because I am not a native speaker, my memory has deteriorated with age, and I have become dull to words themselves.

I still have a story to tell, so I will write it. It's about a school friend I knew since I was about 5 years old. Now that I'm an adult, I have a lot to think about. I heard that her mother was an alcoholic and died when we were 10 years old. We were friends, but now that I think about it, I think I used her house as a place to play games rather than as an important friend. (Because long hours of gaming were prohibited in my house) She lived with her father and had a dog that her mother left behind, which was never washed or taken outside and always sat in front of the newspaper to catch the urine and feces. The dog was smelly and I felt dirty. It is impossible for a 10-year-old child to take good care of a dog. As an adult, I realized that she and the dog still loved each other even the relation is neglect thing, and I regretted my shallowness as a child. Like many single-parent people, she was still a dropout and was in a dropout group like me for a long time. My mother made her lunch for her instead of her mother. (My mother was abusive but also kind.) And after I left my hometown, and I rarely saw her.

Last year, when there was a group reunion, I contacted her, but she said, "I'm glad you want to meet me, but I'm scared of so many people. So I can't go." I also asked her to meet privately, but she didn't reply. Just as I expected, she had become very introverted and antisocial. Like someone who had nothing.

Today, I told my mother about her. My mother said, "I can't forget that when I told her thanks the friendship about you a long time ago, she said, 'She has more friends than me, so she will okay.'" I realized as an adult that I was blessed and had been treating people like her lightly. And society is certainly one that leaves out those who are "weaker than I can imagine" first.

And, as cruel as this may be, it hurts me less when I feel rejected by her, than when I feel rejected by people who are "better off" than me and have more. I just have a vague doubt in my heart and friendship, and I let that guilt flutter in the wind like a flag. Even though I still harbor anger toward the successful people who discarded me. So I don't hate her like such a people. I care her, but it's still small. Don't you think that's cruel? I think it's cruel. It's my animal nature, and the fact that I'm the only one who sees it.

I have emotional scars and I can't make art to my satisfaction, but I still have my parents and there are people who respond to my FA. I want to be grateful for this, but at the same time I feel guilty about her. This time I created a journal to spit out such stories.

I'm really tired. I can't think of any art or poetic words. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I've been repeating this for a long time. I don't want to suffer any more. Is wishing for death something to be denied? Thank you for all your opinions. In the end, if I don't meet a doctor who has the right qualifications, understands me, and has time, my wish will not come true. I'm tired. I want to play core keeper. I might get bored and quit soon.

But I remember it was even worse two years ago. But I still feel just as bad now, and the future will continue to feel just as bad. Please let me leave this world while my family is healthy and I remember the beautiful scenery.

Those who once helped me have abandoned me. I have tried hard to not become like them, I have tried to live my life in a way that does not abandon or hurt people. but I am tired now.

Creations and characters used to fulfill my desire to die. It was a collaborative creation, or something that required an audience, like performing in front of you. But that desire, all forms, and energy were washed away by the farewell of loved ones and the long-standing indifference of others. I no longer have a "means to substitute for desire." At most, I can only speak here. So now, I am finally reaching for that desire by trying to connect the pipe that will help me die. I have lost my art. I don't know how to make money. All that remains now is my life, the procedures to end it, the expression, and the words.

The story continues. I have many stories. They are organically connected in my life, and always tinged with separation and pain.

Now, I am known as the co-creator of Vilous, but I have known Mick since I was 18 years old, and he (he is trans now) was suffering from not having a job after graduating from school, and the fans (mainly Beakiehelmet at that time) learned about Vilous's integrated lore system and offered to organize the fandom, so I thought I could help both Mick's life and the satisfaction of Vilous fandom, so I took it on. If I remember, I was about 24 years old. We talked a lot, I thought about a lot of strategies, and talked to fans and team members. A lot of people tried to support Mick. But in the end, Mick was busy with his own things. Mick's niche and Vilous fandom's niche did not match, and I left in 2021 without them taking care of my own work (Tsukurikake). We are still friends, but now I have lost all energy and even started to forget my own content. I am happy that some people found a place on Vilous because of my work, but it is a place for them and it is a bitter memory for me. This discrepancy is really sad for me. The more people like Vilous, the more empty and sad it makes me. Feel free to use my lore. Enjoy it. But I feel so sad that I can't enjoy it with you, that I want to disappear.

The same can be said for my partner. We still help each other, but we separated　home three years ago. Since I met him when I was 15, I thought I was helping him just like Mick did. He tried to help me too, but there was a serious miscommunication between us, and just like in Mick's case, my own creations were ignored by him. He was also too busy with his own things. Fortunately, he and Mick have started on their own paths, and Vilous fans are enjoying their creations. I feel that I have done everything I can.

The person I introduced in my last journal was one of the few people who deeply touched my creations, but as I said, she leaved me. I didn't want to be like her, so I continued to work on myself and help Mick and my partner. I'll say it again, I'm tired of my own form of love. I've had enough. I want to end my life. I don't want to go to God. I want to be alone. I don't want to go to heaven or hell. I want to go to the world before I was born. And I'll never be born into this world again. That's how I feel now.

I have many stories to tell. I don't know if they are meaningful. I just feel that I have reached an age and experience to start preparing to end my life, and I am putting them into words to take stock of my life. (This does not mean that I will choose the option of death right now.)

When I was 23, there was someone I trusted and loved as a teacher. I consulted her about my suicidal thoughts, and she tried to help me. We created many things together as co-creators. I trusted her completely, and that became my hope for life. She had a recurrence of cancer and was hospitalized. I did not hear from her for about two years after I turned 24. During that time, I uploaded our memories to a blog. I did it to calm my mind because I did not know if she was alive or dead. And when she came back two years later, I was happy. Six months later, she broke up with me. "Uploading her personal work as if she was dead" was the decisive crack for her. And she said that her own values ​​had changed after experiencing the illness. I was devastated by all the feelings I had. How should I have dealt with my love? My love for her disappeared, but only a deep wound remained. It has been more than 10 years since then, but I still don't know. What was my love? Should I have just waited in silence for her to come back? I think that if she had not come back alive, I would not have been hurt so much. I can no longer wish for her happiness or health. And the same goes for myself. I think of my own love and the love of those who care about me as something that contains pain and deception, just as I once experienced.

Many people love, but many people are hurt and withdraw it. This is a very common phenomenon. There were other people who tried to help me, but not only did they all leave, but some even participated in the drama and bash me. I know that not everyone is like that, but in the end, if I hadn't loved someone, this would not have happened. I don't know what is normal, I don't know what to believe. My own love, someone else's love, help, everything. Living is hell.
Based on common sense, all the wounds I have received are not reasons for me to choose death. But if a person continues to be physically wounded, he or she will eventually collapse and die. Isn't the same true for the heart? Is it humane to doubt love and continue to suffer?

This is my personal story, my story, my confession.

When I was a child, my mother was in a difficult condition and I was treated in a way that would be considered abusive in today's terms. I was not recognized for any of my qualities, but she loved me and I loved her. The only bond between us was death. She was worried about my disability and my inability to live, and asked me if I would die with her when she wanted to die, and said that she would die with me when I was in pain. At the age of 11, I was already comforted only by the image of my mother crying and missing me at her own funeral. And that became the only form of comfort and love I could understand, and perhaps it has not fundamentally changed until now. When I was 30, my mother retracted it. She had already forgotten that she had told me that.

I felt like my faith had collapsed, but that did not change my "receptive circuit of love" that was formed in my childhood. This is probably the root of why I wish for a peaceful death. And I know that this is not understood by most people. I feel that a peaceful death is love. For many years, I have tried to change this by consulting with friends and going to therapy, but in the end, it was nothing more than denying my own way of being, which is the life energy of love. I don't want to force this way of thinking on other people. But I really don't know what to do. For example, how should a person who is suffering because he can only feel sexual arousal towards children live? How should a person who can only feel love by thinking about and trying to achieve death live? These are the fundamental problems I feel. I still can't explain them well.

http://www.dignitas.ch/?lang=en

Some of the content may be shocking, but I hope it will be respected because it is my choice.

I have had an unexplained mental condition for 30 years, and I feel the pain of living and creating anything because I keep repeating the cycle of "feeling that I will not accomplish anything and will crash" any more. I miss art and things from the past, but I have no work or requests, and I don't know how to find my passion. My eyes and body are also getting worse. Last year I had a pulmonary embolism due to self-neglect and almost died physically. The cause was lethargy and immobility due to mental illness. A year has passed since then, but I have lost what I want to draw, what makes me happy, and connections with people, and the rate is increasing every year. (irreversible in my awareness) I wanted to choose death while I was still barely sane and could choose it, so I contacted a Swiss assisted suicide organization (Dignitas).

I read through all the information in the pamphlets they responded. I knew that a doctor's cooperation was essential, so I consulted my doctor first. However, my doctor said that Japanese psychiatrists would not be able to prepare the paperwork to cooperate with assisted suicide, and at least I would not, so I had to find a doctor who could. I felt hopeless. How should I find a doctor and convince him? I have not shown her the Dignitas pamphlet yet, so I will translate and print it out and take it next time.

Also, the pamphlet said to tell people close to me, but my family was against it, and bipoler family got anxiety by it. I don't know whether I should tell my friends with whom I have little contact. I feel that it would be better to disappear from this world in silence, even pamphlet said do not silence to close people. This may be a characteristic of our country, but anyway, I am terribly alone in this respect, because I have been suffering for more than 30 years and appear to be healthy.

I once tried to hang myself, but I remember it was very painful. Also, what would my family think if they found my body? If I jumped in front of a train or fell from a high place, it would harm many people. I don't want to take that approach, but would rather choose a painless death of my own volition. There are no systems or people around me who can realistically think about this, and I feel very lonely. In the end, everyone in Japan has no choice but to choose between a "horrific suicide" or a "death that no one cares about." I couldn't choose to be born. But don't I have the right to at least seek a peaceful death? Would a Northern European psychiatrist living in Japan agree with my opinion?

so I think I need advice and help from other country, or I need community about assisted suicide. can you help me something?

my friend  memyou need $500 until the month.

He has no work this month, and due to various circumstances, he cannot receive Japanese welfare, so I am helping him make it.
He is making simple headshots for $10 each. (simple color add $20)
The goal will be around 50 piece.

we will put steaming URL when we ready.
thank you for your support.

now streaming! >> https://picarto.tv/Memyou

current state $500/$500 yay!

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/60028304/

omg, it's me.

I'm a Tokyo dragon.

https://www.feather.art/

3D drawing app.
I want to try this. it's almost 20USD.
If you interest to this system, please donate $10(2 person) or just $20 and I'll test sketch as your request for back.

I want to try it but I don't know what to draw so I want to make some kind of promise.

I'm still accepting comments, but I'm happy to have gotten so many already.
I might not be able to do all of them, but I'm working on it slowly, so you might get a note after some time.
thank you!
- - -

Thankfully, I received some lazy loaf commissions. I have a little time now, so I would like to accept art trades to exchange and activate my works. What I can offer is Lazyloaf icon, or dreamy style freedom drawings(colored sketch). I've also been making music experimentally recently and feel that I need more inspiration, so I can also exchange music part.

I accept various art types. I don't care about the level of completion. Please show me a sample of your work here. Also, if you have an idea of ​​what you're interested in and what you want to do with me, please write it. I will choose some and note.

Examples of work types
・Drawings (I will exchange characters, themes)
・Music (I will exchange characters, themes)
・3D modeling (I will exchange characters, themes)
・Animation (I specify my artwork that I want to move)
・Other (text, etc. However, I'm a Japanese speaker, so I don't understand anything other than Japanese well.)

I've been using Dropbox for a long time to share all my work, including Lazyloaf. Recently, my archive has become huge and I don't have enough space, so I'm looking for someone to help me (I don't have many ways to make money, so I want to save as much as possible on subscriptions). I can get another 10GB of additional space by inviting a guest, so if you can, please comment here. The condition is that your desktop computer must not have installed or registered Dropbox yet. I will send you an invitation code from a note, and you can install Dropbox from that email address. This will give us an additional 500MB of space each other. I currently have 12GB of space, and if this could be increased to 20GB, it would be easier to store art files.

I done all commission right now and I receiving more work now.

Please order from there for your any character and for your friends.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1.....orm?usp=pp_url

If google form isn’t work let send me as note.

So I’m very busy working merchandise and concept book of YGO AU.
Now I slowing commission but perfectly I can fine next month.
Thank you for your patience.

So I’m very busy working merchandise and concept book of YGO AU.
Now I slowing commission but perfectly I can fine next month.
Thank you for your patience.

I want to grow this meme. Specifically, I want to expand it to bluesky and devientART, and I dream of merchandise collaborations with indie games and the like. For now, this meme is my most powerful source of funding, and I feel it will concretely shape my life. I would be really happy if you all could help me with it. I have a huge archive of LAZYLOAF that I've made so far, and I'm thinking about how they will work.

btw I still have more 2 slot of stickers.
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11055585/

order from there.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1.....orm?usp=pp_url

support me.
https://www.patreon.com/Tenteraten

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/59766723/

I rewrote the story of Miroku (and Orochi), the first character of Tsukurikake. He came 25 years ago and is still there for me. Now, in the 25 years since then, I think I placed too much importance on the influence and interaction of others. This is the nature of Orochi, not Miroku - to interact with other people's worlds and other things. It certainly creates new things, but the "origin" I had is that it ends up being a fractal of the relationship between creator and character, god and human, parent and child. This suggests that Tsukurikake is a completely narrative world and will exist with my life. That means that you supporting me or teaching someone about this world is the very act of recording and living me in this world. Thank you to everyone who cares about me.

I would appreciate it if you could also support me on my X account and Patreon.
https://www.patreon.com/Tenteraten
https://x.com/Tsukurikake_CR