I cannot draw anymore - at least until I get another tablet.

omg, I'm going to have a meltdown when I really want to draw again. I was in the middle of drawing stuff, and it decided it didn't want to turn on anymore. No matter how many times I plugged it in, or restarted my computer, it won't turn on. :(

Now I r a sad kitteh.

I wrote out in order of being accepted in regards to the users having a number.

By a random number, my fiance chose 7, which is .

Thank you for those that have applied. It breaks my heart that I can't choose everyone, I just don't have the time to draw. However, that isn't an end all type of thing, I am always up for drawing kitties, and look forward to opportunities in the future to be drawn! I even do random drawings for my followers, totally surprising the follower!

You all have great felines, and all are gorgeous and inspiring in their own manner! Thanks again for being apart of this!

-Kiki

I think I might do this. I need to do more drawings.

I found this on someone elses journal, and thought it would be fun.

This would be quite helpful. :3


1)I like when you draw __.
2)I wish you drew more __.
3)My favorite element of your art is:
4)I wish you did more original art of these characters:
5)I love how you draw __.
6)If you were to do a comic of/about __ I would be soooo happy!
7)If I could get you to draw anything I'd get you to draw __.
8)My favorite gender in your style is:
9)I hate when you draw __.
10)I wish you drew less __.
11)Stop drawing __!
12)Your art style is lacking _.
13)You could stand to better your:
14)Your coloring is:
15)Your shading is:
16)Your lines are:
17)Your content is:
18)When I think of your art I think __.
19)If I had to describe your work I'd say __.

GOGOGOGOGOGO. Be as mean, or as nice as possible, just don't make me criez. D:

Stolen from:

~What if?~
● I died:
● I kissed you:
● I fell:
● I lived next door to you:
● I showed up at your house unexpectedly:
● I stole something:
● I was murdered:
● I cried:
● I asked you to marry me:
● I was hospitalized:

~Would you~
● Trust me enough to sleep in the same bed as me?
● Keep a secret if i told you one?
● Hold my hand?
● Study with me?
● Cook for me?
● Love me?
● Date me?
● Have sex with me?

~More ~
● When and how did we meet?
● Describe me in three words.
● What was your first impression of me?
● What do you think of me now?
● What reminds you of me?
● Could you see us together forever?
● When's the last time you saw me?

Well, I won't be drawing for a while.

My laptop charger has officially committed suicide. So, I can't turn on my laptop to draw anymore. D:

I'm now forced to use my fiance's computer, which does not have photoshop, or my awesome tablet software on it.

I really want to get my new charger already. D:<

Thanks for waiting for something from me, I have lotso drawings that I want done, but I haven't had any time to do them, and not having my laptop to do them on has been making me rage. D:

Also, All xbox games aren't playable on Live anymore. I had my tear of sadness already.

01. Real name → Kayla
002. Nickname(s)→ Kay Kay. Kay. Kaia. Kiki.

003. Zodiac sign → Sagittarius.
004. Male or female → Female.
005. Elementary → Morello Park Elementary.
006. Middle School → Martinez Jr. High School.
007. High School → Montessori Ediver, Everett High School, Alhambra High School, Independence High School.
008. Hair color → Dark Brown.
009. Long or short → Shoulder Length.
010. Loud or Quiet → Loud.

011. Sweats or Jeans → Shorts.
012. Phone or Camera → Phone.
013. Health freak → No. But I do eat quite healthy.
014. Drink or Smoke? → Neither.
015. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yes. *giggles*
016. Eat or Drink → Eat.
017. Piercings → My ears are pierced. :/


HAVE YOU EVER?
019. Been in an airplane → Yes.
020. Been in a relationship → Yes.
021. Been in a car accident → Yes.
022. Been in a fist fight → No.

FIRSTS:
023. First piercing → When I was like 3 months old. Ears.
024. First best friend → Ben.
025. First award → Perfect Attendance.
026. First crush → Kevin from my Babysitters, First kiss too. >.>
028. First big vacation → Baja California. :P
029. Last person you talked to → Renny. :3
030. Last person you IMed → Ryan, right now actually!
031. Last person you watched a movie with → John, Meghan, Robbie, Bryce, and Ren.
032. Last food you ate → Hot Dog.
033. Last movie you watched → Date Night.
034. Last song you listened to → Train - Breakfast in Bed.
035. Last thing you bought → Gas.
036. Last person you hugged → Travis.

FAVES:
037. Food → Sushi.
038. Drinks → Root Beer.
039. Clothing → Gaming shirts, shorts.
040. Books → Anything to spur thoughts into my mind.
041. Music → Techno, Soft Rock, Classical.
042. Flowers → Rose
043. Colors → Black, Red, and White.
044. Movies → Pan's Labyrinth.
045. Positions → >.> Ahem.
046. Subjects → Art.

IN 2009 I....

047. [X] kissed in the snow.
048. [] celebrated Halloween
049. [X] had your heart broken
050. [] went over the minutes on your cell phone
051. [] someone questioned your sexual orientation
052. [] Came out of the closet
053. [] gotten pregnant
054. [] had an abortion
055. [] done something you've regretted
056. [] broke a promise
057. [X] hid a secret
058. [X] pretended to be happy
059. [X] met someone who changed your life.
060. [] pretended to be sick.
061. [] left the country
062. [X] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it.
063. [X] traveled to high mountains.
064. [] ran a lot on the beach
065. [] live on a beach
066. [] stayed single a whole year... HA HA

CURRENTLY:
067. Eating → The Air.
068. Drinking → The Air.
069. I'm about to → Get ready for a date.
070. Listening to → The sounds of my mate eating, and singing 'My horse is Amazing'.
071. Plans for today → Bowling, and watching How to Train your Dragon, and Hot Tub Time Machine.
072. Waiting for → This to be done.

YOUR FUTURE:
073. Want kids? → I tell him everyday. :)
074. Want to get married? → Already halfway there.
075. Careers in mind → Graphic Artist / Web Designer.

OR OR:
076. Lips or eyes → Eyes
077. Shorter or taller? → Taller.
078. Romantic or spontaneous → Romantic.
079. Nice stomach or nice arms → Stomach.
080. Sensitive or loud → Sensitive.
081. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship.
082. Trouble-maker or hesitant → Hesitant.

HAVE YOU EVER:
083. Lost glasses/contacts → No.
084. Ran away from home → Yes.
086. Killed somebody/thing → Noes. D:
087. Broken someone's heart → Yes.
088. Been arrested → No.
089. Cried when someone died → Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
090. Yourself → All the time.
091. Miracles → No.
092. Love at first sight → Yes.
094. Santa Claus → OF COURSE HE'S REAL.
095. Sex on the first date → No.
096. Kiss on the first date → Depends. :/

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → I'm with him.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? → Most definitely.
099. Do you believe in God → Nope. :P
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 20 people → Nope. BWAHAHAHHA.

1. Who eats more?
I do. >.> I even eat his stuff because he never finishes them. <3

2. Who said “I love you” first?
Of course I did. I'm a bit more open about my feelings. xD OMG COCK LOVE IT. <3 See?

3. Who is the morning person?
ME! :D I love the morning, and I love getting up and jumping around, and waking him up. xD

4. Who sings better?
More than likely me. >.> But he does have a nice voice when he sings love songs to me. :)

5. Who’s older?
He is. By 3 years. xD

6. Who’s smarter?
Ahem. *cough* me *cough* He's more of a team leader type of guy. Very smart job related. I'm really street smart, and school smart. :)

7. Whose temper is worse?
His. >.> I don't get mad, and when I do, it's more of a lecture in a college class, of assessing what the situation was, and what to do the next time, etc. He sometimes storms out of the room, and yells. Only to be followed by us making up, and cuddling. :)

8. Who does the laundry?
Him. I will clean the whole house before I do the laundry. I'll fold it for ages though. I just don't get it. xD Although, he has ruined a lot of my stuff because he can't read tags. It's k honey, I <3 you for it. :P

9. Who does the dishes?
I usually do.

10. Who sleeps on what side of the bed?
He sleeps on the right side of the bed, and I sleep on the left side. I'm a really light sleeper, and I need to get up during the night more often than him, so yeah. :)

11. Whose feet are bigger?
His. His are GINORMOUS. Ahem, those myths aren't exactly myths. *cough*

12. Whose hair is longer?
Mine is. :P

13. Who’s better with the computer?
We have our strengths and weaknesses. He may be better at one thing, and I'll be better at another. But we're pretty much on the same level. :)

14. Do you have pets?
He has given me two animals! No kids yet. >.> Ahem. Lul, jk. 1 Chinchilla, that was his first real present to me! and a kitten, for my 18th. <3

15. Who pays the bills?
Him. He's very very supportive of me, and I pitch in what I can with groceries when I can, I wish I could do more. I <3 him so much.

16. Who cooks dinner?
We switch off. :) He'll cook something one night, and I'll do the same the next, etc.

17. Who drives when you are together?
We switch off. :)

18. Who pays when you go out to dinner?
Usually him, but when I get money, I take us out. <3

19. Who’s the most stubborn?
Hmm. Probably me. >.> I'm hard headed. :P

20. Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
Well, both of us have our moments. When I know that a situation shouldn't be going the way it's going, I'll tell him that it's really not worth the fight, and that I love him. :)

21. Whose family do you see more?
His. His dad has really warmed up to me now, it's really nice being here. :)

22. Who named your pet?
Cali, the kitten, was named by both of us. Kacey, the chinchilla, was named by its previous owners. :)

23. Who kissed who first?
I kissed him first, more than likely, I don't really remember. I was his first real kiss. :P

24. Who asked who out?
I'm quite demanding. I think I was pretty much like, YOU, and ME, WE ARE GOING OUT NOW. K?!

25. What did you do on your first date?
Our first real date was probably bowling. He loves to bowl. <3 I almost beat him at one point, and then he kept getting strikes. . .xD

26. Who’s more sensitive?
He's probably more sensitive with certain subjects, and regarding other things, I might be more sensitive. I'm more sensitive when it comes to my feelings for him, other than that, I'm really hard headed.

27. Who’s taller?
Lul. Him. . .I'm 5'5" and he's 6'2". He's my tall dragon. <3

28. Who has more friends?
Hmm, we share friends pretty much. I had a lot of friends before him, but I've really grown up, and don't like to party / do stupid shit. xD

29. Who has more siblings?
Me. :D I'll put it into perspective for you. For our wedding, on the invitation list. I have about 35 family members being invited, that includes my 3 siblings. His family invitation is about 7. . .Yep, 7. He's an only child. xD

30. Who wears the pants in the relationship?
Both of us. We do favors for each other. Buy things for each other. Do a lot of things for each other. I make a lot of decisions, but I only base those decisions off of his opinions. :)

All in all, I LOVE YOU HONEY.

Got from

I'll draw a free sketch for three randomly selected people who comment on this journal, with a reference.

Did you get that? "randomly"? Good, monkey.

BUT in return you have to post this in your journal and do the same thing for three other people.

or else. . .

Spread the love!

Only one character per person, thank you.

You could send me different character refs though, so that I can get away with drawing the easiest one, hahaha.

You guys are so spoiled by me, you truly are. :P
-Kayla

Well, gosh, I know I haven't been drawing all that much lately, but I still have drawings that I started and didn't finish.

In which I will get to! xD It's just been really busy lately, and I just got a new game, so I've been playing a shit load of hours in the past 3 days. >.>

Well, just to make a list, so I don't forget. If you are reading this and you also want a drawing, please, feel free to do so. :) I like to see the readers, and the people that pay attention to me get rewarded.

I have a sketch that I did last night that I'll post, I liek it, it r funneh. :3

but yeah, here art thou list!

 Mekmaster
 Smittens

And obviously I'm missing others, which I will edit in later, because right now, all I'm paying attention to is Magna Carta playing in my 360 on the screen of my tv. >.>

Also, if you'd like to donate any amount, that would be awesome. :)

I'm also open to commissions. Dun taeks advantage of me pl0x.
-Kiki

It's officially my birthday. :)
-Kayla

You know when you have high spirits for what you're doing? You're confident, and you have a smile on your highly concentrated face because you know that it's going to turn out well?

I don't know what it is. Is it just people that don't understand the concept of art? Or is it just the utter appreciativeness of someone who works hard for what they do, and you just really happen not to notice it at all?

When I look at someones art, I don't only think about the concept of the art, and the colors. I think about the time and effort that the artist put into that picture. And if someone has the drive to draw something with their heart, all the power to them. It makes me appreciate it that much more.

For artists that start off, and that can't even get proportions right. Or for the artists who have everything right, but don't get the appreciation that they deserve, or for any artist, because I know I'm not the only artist out there that doesn't get thought about with the work that I put onto my drawings. This is literally a journal for you.

When I spend 2 hours on something, and even more when that something is just lineart. I feel very proud of myself. I feel like wow, I really put my time into that, and it even turned out looking exactly like the person. and I post it somewhere, and they see it, but don't comment on it? And then when I ask for what they think, they say, "GamerzGirl sorry. I appreciate the thought, and you are talented :D though there are better pictures out there" IT really hurts. Like, not does it hurt, but it shoots me down a lot.

I just don't think a lot of people understand how much artists put into their art. Whether you're a porn artist, a pg artist, an abstract artist, furry, human, nature, any kind of artist. I really appreciate the things that you put into the world, and you deserve to be commended for it.

This is a challenge. When you see art, from anyone. Even if it looks bad, or the colors are off, or it was done fast. Think of what the artist was thinking. You may have a different view on things when you see it through their eyes.

I took the other day and did a digital drawing for someone that drew their first piece, and I did it to show her that art is fun, and that there are nice artists out there.

I'd help anyone with art, or tell them that they are appreciated, because that's what they are.

Thank for reading.
/rant
-Kayla

So, as of late, I lack some friends on here. I want to build more of a community of friends. I have no clue why I just happened to want to do that, but I just want to. :/

So, I've made it a goal to PM random furs, and introduce myself, and try to make conversation. :D Yes, as weird as that sounds, I just want to meet random furs from all walks of life, from different countries, with different interests, kinks, etc.

I need to get back into that really social online kinda girl that I am. So, I've made the way of going about it, this way!

Bare with me. >.> I'm totally random. I love being random. I love just walking up to someone and being like, "OHAI you're awesome." I've always been like that. >.> It's weird.

If I see something that someone has that I really like, I'll outright tell them that I like it. xD

It's so early at this point. . .I slept for like 2 hours, and a friend called me to talk to me about his ex's, so now I'm up. and it's 4am. xD

I'm so bored at this point. TALK TO ME. xD
-Kiki

• × • ALL | ABOUT | ME • × •
____________________________________________________________________________

- Name: Kiki
- Single or taken: Taken. ALL MEIN.
- Sex: Female. :3
- Birthday: November 30th.
- Sign: Sagittarius.
- Hair color: Dark Brown / Black
- Eye color: Brown
- Height: 5'5”
- Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Bisexual. :3
____________________________________________________________________________

• × • F A S H I O N | S T U F F • × •
____________________________________________________________________________

- Favorite place to shop for clothes?: Ehm. . .I don't know?
- Favorite designer?: Lol. . .I guess I just don't know anything. :D
- What is your sexiest outfit?: Hmm. I have a lot of outfits that I love.
- What is your most comfortable outfit?: Shorts with a gaming shirt, and my hello kitty sweatshirt. :3
- What do you usually wear?: Comfy clothes. . .Or nothing at all. xD
____________________________________________________________________________

• × • S P E C I F I C S • × •
____________________________________________________________________________

- What kind of shampoo do you use?: Herbal Essences. <3
- What are you listening to right now?: The StarCraft OST. xD
- Who is the last person that called you?: My mate. About soap. xD
- How many buddies are online right now?: A lot. >.>
____________________________________________________________________________

• × • F A V O R I T E S • × •
____________________________________________________________________________

- Food: SUSHI.
- Girls' names: I always forget girl names. -.-
- Boys' names: Thomas. :3
- Subjects in school: Web Design, Graphic Design, Art. <3
- Animals: Cheetah's, Frogs, and Horses. :3 I also has a Chinchilla, I love her. :3
____________________________________________________________________________

• × • H A V E | Y O U | E V E R • × •
____________________________________________________________________________

- Given anyone a bath?: Yes. Yay for babysitting?
- Smoked?: Ehm, ewww no.
- Bungee jumped?: I wish. D:
- Made yourself throw up?: No. Fuck that.
- Skinny dipped?: Plenty of times. :3
- Ever been in love?: Yes.
- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: No.
- Pictured your crush naked?: Lol. . .That's creepy.
- Actually seen your crush naked?: Yes.
- Cried when someone died?: Yes. I'm easy when it comes to crying. >.>
- Lied: Meh, I'm human.
- Fallen for your best friend?: Yeah. . .He's still my best friend, but we're just friends.
- Used someone?: How would we live life if we didn't? It's impossible NOT to use someone.
- Done something you regret?: I don't regret anything.

____________________________________________________________________________

• × • C U R R E N T • × •
____________________________________________________________________________

- Clothes: Whale shirt, and shorts. :3
- Desktop picture: A picture at PAX '09
- CD in player: I dun has any CD's. D:
- DVD in player: Ehm, I don't have DVD's either. xD

____________________________________________________________________________

• × • L A S T | P E R S O N • × •
____________________________________________________________________________

- You touched: My mate.
- Hugged: Mate. . .
- You kissed: . . .Mate. . .
- You IMed: My other best friend. xD
- Talk to online: Someone about a commission.
- You sexed it up with: >.> Lol.

___________________________________________________________________________

• × • A R E | Y O U • × •
___________________________________________________________________________

- Understanding?: Yes.
- Open-minded?: Yessir.
- Arrogant?: Only in jest.
- Insecure?: About certain issues.
- Random?: HAM!
- Hungry?: Yes, I is. I might have myself some sushi. :3
- Smart?: I guess?
- Moody?: Not really.
- Organized?: I try to be!
- Shy?: Not at all. xD
- Difficult? Yush.
- Bored easily?: I can keep myself fairly entertained.
- Obsessed?: No.
- Angry?: I rarely get angry.
- Happy?: Always.
- Hyper?: You should see me at 3 in the morning.
- Trusting?: Always. Unless proven otherwise.

___________________________________________________________________________

• × • R A N D O M • × •
___________________________________________________________________________

- In the morning I: I'm up until 6am, and I go to sleep for the rest of the morning. :D
- Love is: Great. Amazing. Breath-taking.
- I dream about: I rarely dream. Unless something happens in my life.
- Sexual preference: Males. :3
- What do you notice first in the sex you're into: >.> I don't know?
___________________________________________________________________________

• × • W H I C H | I S | B E T T E R • ×
___________________________________________________________________________

- Coke or Pepsi: ROOT BEER.
- Flowers or candy: Flowers. :3
- Tall or short: Tall.

___________________________________________________________________________

• × • W H O • × •
___________________________________________________________________________

- Makes you laugh the most: All of my friends make me laugh. :3
- Makes you smile: Everyone.
- Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: Mate. :3

___________________________________________________________________________

• × • D O | Y O U | E V E R • × •
___________________________________________________________________________

- Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: Sure? Depends.
- Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: Lol. YES!
- Wish you were younger?: No. I'm great.
- Cry because someone said something to you?: No?

___________________________________________________________________________

• × • N U M B E R • × •
___________________________________________________________________________

- Of times I have had my heart broken?: Ehm. Twice?
- Of guys I've kissed: >.>
- Of girls I've kissed: Lol.
- Of Cd's I own: Almost zero? Yay for games on CD's.
- Of scars on my body: Lots, because of the tomboy from when I was younger.

Just an update. >.>
-Kayla

When you fall in love, it's an amazing feeling, that you just can't shake. It's like heaven in your heart. It's like a harmony that is always playing, no matter what.

Well, I've just gone through the worst thing that anyone can ever put me through. The one person I loved in the whole world, who said that they loved me back, has just ripped my heart out of my chest, and crushed it into tiny little pieces.

Sure, I've made journals before about the situation, I've always taken him back for the hope that maybe this time we'll stay together. Maybe this time it'll be different. I've always had that thought in my mind that it'll all be better. :)

It's always stuck with me. I would try, and try, and try again. I would take him back. I would spend all my time with him. Because you know what? I loved him. I was IN love with him. I still am, I still want to be with him no matter what. If he was homeless, I'd be homeless with him. He was everything to me. Until. . .He broke up with me again.

I swear, I can't go on vacation, and just relax. Whenever I do, I end up having something to think about. I'm in Virginia right now, visiting a friend, and I gave him my chinchilla to watch over, so he could care for her. Well, couldn't even do that. I don't blame him, no, not at all. His dad. His dad got drunk, and stumbled onto the cage, and opened the door to the cage. She ran out, and he came home to find that she was out of the cage.

Well, he finally caught her like what? last night or the night before? And RIGHT after he did, he broke up with me. We had an amazing relationship. Literally. We would go out on dates, we would cuddle all the time, passionate kisses, we would hold hands in the car, he would come over after work all the time. I would always tell him that I loved him, even in the midst of being mad. I always told him that I loved him. Sure, we had our regular mash ups, as do all relationships, but he meant too much to me for me to just let him go. He was after all, everything to me. We were pretty much the fairytale couple. We would go to the park, and lie down on a blanket, and just talk to each other, embraced in each others arms. We would game together, shower together.

I would draw a lot, and because I was so elated to have him in my life. I would always have drawing concepts in my mind. He told me that he loved me drawing, that he really liked it when I drew. He loved it especially when I drew our fursonas together. I also loved it, because it really allowed me to represent what I was thinking, visually.

He worked at a local theater, and he would always take me to the movies after a dinner date. He even took me to some employee showings, he would ask special permission aswell. His coworkers loved it when I came by, I would always talk to them about how amazing he was. I would always tell that that I was the luckiest girl to be able to have someone like him in my life. And I was. I really was the luckiest girl around. I treasured our relationship together. I really did. I've told him that plenty of times. Our relationship was the most amazing thing that I have had in a while. And I had it with an amazing guy aswell.

Well, it turns out. He is repulsed by me. He stated that he's not attracted to me, because I'm fat. He hated having sex with me, and he only did to because it felt good. He hated sleeping with me because he likes his room. He stated to me that he doesn't like how I think, or what i believe in. I'm an Atheist, and I haven't even talked about that with him. I've even told him that I believe that God made us meet, so we could fall in love with each other. I really believe that. If that was his main reason for breaking up with me, he should have done it a while ago, instead of use me as he did. If God was the reason why he doesn't like how I think, fine.

I'm a realist. I'm an optimist. When I want something, I get it. I don't fuck around. I know what it is that I want, and what I don't want. I'm too young to look out for myself. I'm too young to have to have the responsibilities that I have. I grew up too fast, I really did. I couldn't get one brick thing to come out of his mouth. He was never sure. He would always reassure me that he loved me, and I have literally cried because I felt the overwhelming feeling of love that just engulfed my body.

There was one time, before I came to Virginia, about a week ago. We were at the movies, and we were seeing, 'the time travellers wife,' and I pretty much started crying after the movie, because I was so in love with him. He started tearing up along with me when we exited onto the top floor. He hugged me, and reassured me that he loved me. It felt amazing. That feeling that you just really want to spend the rest of your life with that one person, and them telling you the same thing. After that, we went to go see Ponyo, and we were the only one in that theater! It was just us two, with a big screen. He even turned to me and said, "I really like having the theater to be just me and you." and he held me close to him.

When he wanted a time to go and do things with his friends, I was like, "It's fine, I'll stay home." That day would be a day that changed my whole outlook on things. Him, and 3 of his friends went to the movies, and after the movie. I had called him asking that he urgently come to my place. I crying profusely, my eyes were covered in tears, along with my face, and hands. When I heard the car park out in front I ran out and pretty much jumped on him and I hugged him with every muscle in my body. He thought that the chinchilla he got for me died or something. He thought someone died. Even better, I was able to contact my step father after 6 years of not being able to talk to him. I told him this, and he looked at me, and he smiled, and he was like, "That's amazing Kayla." His friends, whom are also my friends told me that he was freaking out the whole drive to my house. As he was, he cared, he was scared, and he was worried. I know he cared for me. . .

It was the 4th of July, and I had asked him to come and visit me, since he'd be working the closing shift at his work, which was from late, to early morning, so I wouldn't see the fireworks with him. So I had asked him to spend some time with me before hand. Well, I was on my laptop, and I saw that he signed in on MSN, and the only time he does that, was when he is at home. So I messaged him, and I was like, "You know what? I'm tired of being last. I can do better." and I just pretty much left it at that. I was tired of being nothing to him. I'm tired of being taken for granted, I was tired of him just totally overlooking things. So, I made it known to him that I'm not going to take it anymore. Next thing I know, he's calling me 30+ times, leaving voice messages on my phone telling me he's sorry, and that he's going to come by now, to talk. I picked up once, only to tell him to go back home. But no, he didn't. He wanted to come over. Now, I'm not whining, because this isn't something that he'd do. He would NEVER decide at last minute to drive to my house at about 3:00am. on a work day. He would never do that, even if I asked him. So he drives to my house, and was at the door for like 30 minutes. I was just doing my own thing, trying to ignore him, because I didn't want to give in. He was outside the front door pleading to have me take him back and forgive him. He was asking and saying sorry every second he could. I tried to make it seem as though I wasn't even home. I tried to make it seem as if I didn't care. I did though. I cared a lot. Eventually, I let him in, and we talked. We were fine. . .

When I went to work for a couple of days, I ended up staying in San Francisco. He said he missed me. He told me that it feels weird with me being so far away. i was maybe 2 hours away.

I knew he loved me. Everyone knew it. Our friends, everyone. His mother, his neighbor, my friends, the people I was with. Everyone told us that we were great for each other. He's the nerd / tall / geek like guy that I have always wanted. Me? I test video games. They are my life. Technology is my life, and he loved it. He loved a lot of things about me.

At the beginning of our relationship was the worst. His dad hated me, didn't want me anywhere near their house. I met his grandmother, and even though I told her everything about me, and even paid to go out to lunch, wherever, she still insisted on not liking me. That was almost like strike two. I cried so much over it, because I knew that he had a lot going on with him and his family, and that they meant a lot him. I wanted to be apart of that circle. I wanted them to accept me as someone who will benefit him, and not someone who'd ruin him. Because that was the last thing that I had in mind. There were times where he would have to comfort me because I would just think about my whole aspect on family, and love. I wanted to enjoy the same things as he did, even if it meant putting my guard down just to get along with his dad. I tried so hard to have his dad like me. I tried talking to him, I tried inviting him out to dinner with me and his son. I tried my hardest. At the beginning of our relationship, his dad would persuade him to break up with me, and that is an explanation for a lot of the journals that I have written regarding the break-ups.

I finally met his mother. It was the most amazing 5 hours of my life this year. She really genuinely liked me. As me and him were laying on my bed, taking a nap after a long day, and a short night of sleep, she called him to tell him what she thought of me, and she wanted to see more of me. She wanted me to come over for dinner sometime in the future. That meant the world to me. I started crying at that point because finally someone that gave birth to him genuinely thought that I was a great asset to him.

Heh, we really did have a great relationship. Honestly, I've never been in a relationship that has ended and I had nothing to bitch about. This whole thing is to bitch about how amazing it was. Not how stupid or how much time I wasted. I put my heart and soul into him. I built his confidence. I made him think higher of himself. And this is the thanks I get.

I'm not your average 17 year old artist / furry / gamer girl. I take pride in what I am, and who I am. I take pride in what I represent. I pick and choose who I am friends with. I'm overly trusting, I am too friendly, I'm too open. It's me. That's just me. I'm always smiling because I don't like to be sad / mad / depressed. I'll be sad for a couple of hours, but it gets to the point where I'm like, "Just suck it up Kayla, you're better than this. . ."

I put a smile on, when inside, I just want to tear myself apart, and that's really what I wanted to do when he broke it off with me. I felt like I could tear myself apart, and feel no pain. I felt like I could rip my heart out, and be able to see the blood drip down my arm, and I'd feel numb.

I've taught him so much. I was even teaching him how to drive. I was teaching him how to do a lot of things. I was trying to get him to take control of his emotions.

He was the closest thing that I had to a family. . .He was literally my family. . .I confided in him what I would with a family member. . .I really thought that he was that someone for me. That one person that would always be there for me, or that would fess up, and admit that they have actually fell in love when they least expected it. I'm tired of playing games. I'm tired of the up and down stream of yes and no's and I'm not sure's.

Maybe it's what I needed? I feel like even though those things were somewhat a weakness, in my eyes. I felt like I loved him even more for his faults. . .I felt like I was in love with what he wasn't able to accomplish, while still being in love with what he was great at. I was in love with all of him. There was never once that I couldn't admit that he was an amazing person.

We had a song that we chose together. Day Behavior - Close your eyes. It is an amazing song, and really makes me feel great. I would always text him the lyrics, and he'd always be like, "Listenin' to our song again? :)"

We would have nights where we would just talk, like a month ago, we went to the park, and both of us just talked, and while we were driving there, he blasted that song. Alas, I couldn't hear it because my windows were closed.

I loved him because I could see effort in him. Even though he may have not seemed to be the one up for the job, you can tell that he tried to make it work. That he tried to be that one person that had everything under control. I could tell that he loved me. I could tell that he cared about me. He would always comfort me, and talk to me. When he got off of work, and I was sad, or something popped up in my mind that i wanted to talk about, he'd talk to me. He would come by and visit me. He'd cuddle with me. We had a system pretty much. He would come over almost every night after work, and we'd talk, play games, draw, talk, and before he'd leave, we'd cuddle. It was our little thing that we did all the time, and it made me happy that he would give me full attention before going on with his daily things.

When I was going through a lot of drama with my mother, I would be at my friends house, talking to my friends grandma. She really believed that him and I were great together. She really spoke from her heart, and it really helped me. When I met his mother, I walked into my friends house and I thanked his grandmother for helping me get through all the things that my exmates dad put us through. She really had a lot to say about things, and it really intrigued me. I really felt like me and him would work out, regardless of others opinions of our relationship. The grandmother had a husband that she spent her life with, but her family in law didn't agree with them at all. Even in matrimony they still tried to break them up. . .As I was going through the pain of feeling the pressure of ones parents hording your beloveds mind with things like breaking up with them, you tend to notice a lot of other peoples problems that regard the same thing. My aunt had the same situation with my uncle.

Parents have a right to be protective. They have a right to care for their children. By all means, care for your child the way that any other parent would. But please, understand it from our point of view aswell. I wanted everything with him, I didn't intend on hurting him at all. When his dad persuaded him into breaking up with me, he did. But it would only follow into him getting back with me because he didn't intend on breaking it off with me in the first place. . .I've gone through a lot of heartache because of that little thing that was happening off and on every month.

Since I have been here in Virginia. I've been really wanting to spend as much time with him on xbox live. Or on Skype, or I'd resort to falling asleep with him on the phone. It's horrible being away from him. I thought it'd be okay, he'd have his time to himself, and I'd be doing work things, and seeing friends. Well, I guess I was wrong. I thought we could endure everything together.

You know, I've never been put down like that by him. I really thought that he loved me, I really felt like it was there. I felt it.

It's in my nature to always smile, and to always laugh, and be happy. I despise being sad / depressed / mad. I will do anything, within reason, to make myself happy again. To make myself smile again. As I am doing right now. I am MAKING myself happy, and I'm putting a smile on. Inside of me, I just want to cry. But you don't see that. You see the Kayla that I have always been, that people know me for. I'm always pointed out by my smile. I can always put on a smile. Life is too great to be sad all the time. It's too wondrous to sulk about things.

I will always remember the times that I had with him to be great. I will always remember him as I have always seen him in my eyes. I understand that he wants to show me that he hates me so much right now, and that I'm repulsive and ugly, but I have my dignity, and my mind, still in my head, that is still on my shoulders. He's a great person, and I won't take it against him for what has happened between him and I. As I do wish it went a different route, and we worked it out, and talked about it, I don't think he is up for it.

I want to stress the point of me being happy with him. I've never been with someone to where I was so happy and content with that person that I wouldn't even give another guy / girl a second look. They were never good enough. They were nothing like him, so I wouldn't pay attention to them. Sure, I've had guys even walk up to me in front of him and tell him that I'm pretty, or whatever it is that they have said in the past, but as always, I would tell him that he was everything to me, and that I wanted him, and no one else. And that's how it was, I didn't want anyone else, for all this time that we have grown, and been together.

I hope I at least taught him something about something. I hope I helped him a little to the point where he can look back at the times that we spent together and smile in the future.

I'm giving up my life right now. I'm leaving my best friends. I'm leaving my home. I have nothing else going for me here. When my mother left for LA, and my brother went up to Washington to live with my dad, I had to make a decision. . .I decided to stay here in California because I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to stay with him, and be right by his side. I literally made that decision.

Well, here I go making the decision to leave. I need to get on with my life, it has to stop sitting in one place. I want to move on, and I want to do something with my life, as I have always done. I have always proven myself useful. I have always done things that a lot of people wouldn't dare do. For instance, just dropping everything and leaving. I thought that I would have a permanent place inside of his heart, but it seems that I was just a test subject. Some test rat that he could play with, but with it to only end in hurt, when all this time he was telling me he loved being with me, and he was genuinely happy.

Dear Ethodar,
I hope you do go into the Air Force, or you do finish college, or you do get promoted. I hope you do your best in life, and get the best out of life aswell. I hope you become that pilot, or degree holder, or manager that you want to be. I hope you give someone a chance to be in your heart, as I let you be that person in my heart. Love isn't something you find, it comes to you. Whenever you feel lonely, just know that I'll always be there for you. Yes, I know, you don't want me to be that, but I can't allow myself to just give up on you. You mean too much to me in order for me to do that. As a last bit, I hope your dad becomes better and starts acting like a dad, and not someone who doesn't know what they can do with their life. I hope your grandmother gets better, and I was extremely happy meeting your mother.

To fellow furries: When you find love. Don't ever let it go. It's something precious that shouldn't be taken for granted, because once it's gone. It's gone.

Now one is going to bother with this journal. I just felt like putting it somewhere, so I can read it in the future.
Thanks to those of you who cared enough to read, and those of you who have given comments.
-Kayla

So, whoever is my 1000th pageviewer, you get a free piece of art. Anything you want. ANYTHING. xD

So, spread the word to make it go faster! xD

And whoever is my 50th watcher gets a free piece of art aswell. :)

Just a few gifts for the people that put time into actually watching me. ;D

Thanks you guys. ^^ Maketh meh feelz loved.
-Kayla

I'm doing a live feed atm.

I'm doing a comic for my mate, and it's a Macro/Micro, and Growth comic. I'm just going to touch it up and color it. I don't think I'm going to finish it tonight, but I'll see what I get done.

If you care to watch: Here is where you must go.

Thanks. :D
-Kayla

Gosh, so, my about me part of my page just keep getting filled with icons. xD And apparently, you can only have a set amount of icons, and for the sake of the beauty of my page, I will post the art that I want to get done tomorrow, and so forth, in here. :D

Art trade with  Seffiron-sama (Waiting to get Tablet)
Icon for  Sephiroya (Waiting to get Tablet)
Request for  RailRunner (Waiting to get Tablet)
Giftart for  sammy73 (Waiting to get Tablet)
Giftart for  Tyraiko (Waiting to get Tablet)
Giftart for  avinz (Waiting to get Tablet)
Giftart for  Zodiark(Waiting[/color] [color=#ad93e5]to get Tablet)

If you'd like something from me, just request it. If you'd like to donate, it'd be totally awesome, and I'd love you forever. xD

So, I ordered my tablet yesterday. SO, it should be here within the next week. I'm like uber excited. I got the Intuous4 medium instead of the large because I'm an impatient person, and I really want to draw. xD

Also, another thing. Hangover is an AWESOME movie. You must see it. It's hilarious. The whole theater was packed, and everyone was just laughing.

I'm cleaning right now, to keep busy.

:bsrenamon: and his mate are coming over to spend the night tonight, so I'm excited about that. They are muh bestest gay friends evar.

Hmm, what else? Oh, and for those of you that I have in my queue for drawing, I promise once I get my tablet, I will start working on your art. I'm still open for more trades if anyone is up for it. I love them. ;D All because I love my fursona being drawn in the way that the artist sees fit.

So, life is going great. ^^

I've finally got Photoshop CS4 on my new laptop. So, I'll be shooping things soon enough. As I did for my new Avatar, because I really needed one. It was a simple 2 minute shoop, but I like it. ^^

I've been doing drawings today. Sketch art, to see what a "dragon me" would look like, so I've been doing some ideas with drawings, and how I want me to look. i think i have it so far, but I don't' know what color I want to be. Travis says red would be perfectly fine, but I have angel wings, which are going to be a multi-hue of blues, and white. So, any ideas would be great. :D

Also, I <3 you guys. :D I'll be drawing a lot more lately. I really have a lot of drawings that I should post, but I want a scanned, because I don't like to have to resort to taking photos. -.-
-Kayla

Sexual orientation: Bi. I'm lovin' teh girls and guys. <333
How often do you think about sex: Lol. I get tingly feelings all day. xD
How often do you HAVE sex: A couple times every other day, with my mate. <3
Worst sexual experience: Prefer not to discuss it.
Cybersex? Phone sex?: Ehm, not anymore. xD
Casual sex: I like to have a connection with my partner. My mate has that connection.
What is your favorite masturbation euphemism: Wat. xD
Sex toys and related fetish accessories: Heh. Dom / Sub. I'm sub. :D And I have one rabbit, which I don't I don't use anymore. xD
Least sexiest body part: Heh. :/ I really don't know. :/
Favorite body type: I really don't have a preference. xD As long as they smell good. <3
Body hair: I don't like hair all that much. :/
Monogamy or polygamy?: Lol. I've told my best friends that if Polygamy was legal then I'd marry them all. :D
Underwear: I love a pair of my mates boxers, and he always wears them when he sleeps over. On me, I like boy shorts, or no underwear at all. xD
Pornographic or erotic: Meh.
How large is your porn collection?: I don't really watch porn all that much. :/
Favorite hair color: Don't have a preference.
Kissing or cuddling?: I love both.
Most attractive nationality/ethnicity: Doesnt matter to me at all :3
Most attractive anthro/furry creature: Dragons!! and kittehs. ^^
Most interesting fetishes you've heard of: Lol. Now I'm thinking about weird clown fetishes for some reason. . .

So, yes, we are trying to work it out now. ^^ He's content with being with me, and he says that he promises not to hurt me again.

He's been doing a really good job of proving himself lately. I love him so much, and I really love being with him aswell.

Thankies. ^^

<3 Ethodar.
-Kayla

So, As you may know, the one person I really do love, broke up with me this last Monday.

And someone asked me out on a date. So, I accepted.

Last night was a great date. It was probably the first time that I was out with someone and it was just neutral, but we may be building for a relationship. We talked a lot, and he surprised me, a lot.

I thought he'd be really reserved, and I even told him that I thought it was going to be boring, well, it wasn't. It was fun talking about things with him.

Okay, cap on the date.
We stay at a friends house till about 8:30 or so, and we just talk, and joke around. I was REALLY hungry. xD I hadn't eaten anything except a sammich! D: But yeah, so we finally left. I had stated to him that I really like sushi. ^^ So he's like, "I know a really good Sushi place that we can go to." So, we get to Bluefin Sushi in Antioch / Brentwood, and sit down. Also, he opened doors for me and everything! xD We sit down, and he was like, "What do you like?" I just pretty much blatantly tell him I love sushi, and I don't care what he orders, I'd eat it. xD So he orders his favorite things, and they were great. I also asked if I could get a thing of California Rolls. And on top of that, HE PAID! HAZZAH! Heh, I'm kinda used to asking, and then paying. Him? He asked me on a date, and he even paid for it. ^^

So, we go out, talking, and he opens the car door for me. ^^ And it was about 9:30 or so, and he was like, "What do you wanna do now?" I mentioned that I like reading, so he's like, "Barnes and Nobles is open till 11" so we go there.

We pretty much sat down, showed each other our favorite books, and talked about who we are, and what we like, and everything. So we can get to know each other a bit more. So, it was about 10:30 when we stopped talking, and headed back out to the car, where he opened the door for me again. xD It was so sweet. It's weird, but at the same time, it's really nice. . .

He brought me home, and I'm glad that I just got to hug him. ^^ He really wants to get to know me, and I guess I've let my guard down, and just wanted that whole getting to know each other thing.

I think that was a mistake with Travis. We really should have gotten to know each other. But I doubt he'd be into it anyways. I still think about him, and I still love him. I'm not yet ready to move on, but I feel like I need to force myself, because he won't grow up. He states that he's still in love with me, but he doesn't want to love me. Well, if that's what it is, then okay.

I had a great time in all last night. He definitely wants to take me out on another date. And he is non stoppingly texting / IM'ing me. xD It's cute. ^^

It feels good to be wanted. . .

-Kayla