There has been a lot going on in my life that doesn't need going into at the moment. Suffice it to say that I'm extremely upset. I won't go into detail about most of the things that have happened, but there is one thing above all others that is tearing at my heart and making it hard to really give a damn about anything. I don't know if I'm going to stop art altogether. I've been struggling with inspiration and consistency for a while, and I don't think I can be bothered to even try for a while after this.

Last week I got a call from my mother, in tears, that my dog, my best friend, my angel, was diagnosed with accelerated cancer. Fast-growing tumors, a dozen of them, all larger than a golf ball, that were not there when he last had an x-ray done six weeks ago are covering his chest cavity, inside his lungs, and on his heart. There is literally a tumor the same size as his heart on top of his heart. As if that weren't bad enough, I flew in on Sunday to find that while my dog looks absolutely healthy and doesn't even seem to show that he's sick, my cat, who I posted a journal almost a year ago about his failing kidneys, has taken a very sudden turn for the worse. He lost 3 pounds in the last month and is little more than skin and bones. It is very apparent that he won't be around for more than a few days.

I think with my cat, it's different. I've seen this coming for a while, and frankly the vet told us a year ago he wouldn't last longer than six months. I've been prepared for this for a while, but it's extremely horrid timing. My dog is being put down sometime next week. There is nothing that can be done to remove the tumors and even though I can't even process in my head right now the thought of losing him when he just looks so good and doesn't show any sign of suffering, my parents are right. It's better that we do it before he's in too much pain like my older dog who had to be put down a few years ago. As for my cat, I don't even know if he'll be around long enough to schedule a vet to come around. He's in so much pain that he yowls constantly and can't even sit properly. This is apparently a change since I arrived.

I have one other cat. I don't know how he's going to take it. My two cats are littermates and are always together. It may be that he also passes away, but I won't be able to be here with him after I start school again. I'm in too much pain to care about the internet, like I said, and frankly, this site is a poison that I don't need in my life right now. I'm going to spend what time I have with my babies and then if my heart doesn't explode from grief, I'm going to stay off the internet for a while. I just don't care anymore.

I've been lurking for a few days looking through my journal inbox, but I haven't really been looking at messages or anything. I'm not entirely "back" other than to say, "I'm not dead, please stop IMing me asking me if I've killed myself." Clearly, I have not. I'm fine. The ordeal that made me disappear for a while really took a toll on me, but it's over after a year of frustration and wasted money. It has nothing to do with FA, so don't bother asking. Still, this will probably be my last post for a while as I've been finding it hard to care about this gallery for a long time.

Thanks for the new faves, I hope I can post new stuff soon. I've been lax about a lot of things over the last few months, partly out of being too busy to bother and partly out of sheer apathy. I'm trying to work on that and get out of this creative funk I've been riding. It's taking some time. I wanted to try and draw today, but we'll see how that goes.

I still update my Tumblr account when I finish something new, and although I haven't drawn anything in a while that's probably a better place to view art from me for now. I haven't felt like drawing anthro art in a long time, so it isn't very likely I'll be posting anything here.

And to whoever is still asking me questions on my formspring account, I can't remember my password and can't be bothered to try and reset it, so you won't be getting answers to your questions. Sorry.

After some absolutely ridiculous shit that's been going on for almost a year now, I just feel like not existing for a while. Maybe this was the universe telling me that it's finally time to start standing up for myself when people take advantage of me, but I'm tired of the whole ordeal and just want it to be over finally.

Vague journal is vague, but suffice it to say I don't feel like going into further detail, and I'm disappearing again and don't know when I'll be online next. Obligatory "I don't want to live on this planet anymore" exasperation. Obligatory "I'll be thinking of those of you I talk to" sentiments.
Obligatory "I'm out."

To you, my friend, I wish the best of luck as your new life begins.

A great friend signed up to serve in the Air Force and today he was called in to begin basic training. I'm so happy for him, it's the one thing he's wanted for so long. I'll miss talking to him, but basic won't last forever. I'll be waiting to hear all about it.

Good luck, God bless, and here's hoping this will be the best time and the best decision of your life thusfar, A.

My parents' internet is shite right now, so I'm online even less than I thought I would be. Half the time I can barely even open a webpage, so I'm behind on e-mails and stuff, but I'll get to them eventually. Putzing around on my laptop without internet during the wee hours of the night, I found some old stuff that I forgot to or didn't care enough to post after completion, so I might do that in a day or two after I sift through them to see if there's anything actually worthwhile. Which brings me to, if you decide to look through my gallery and suddenly find it empty or near-empty, I would direct you to the scraps tab. Btw, I wouldn't visit my frontpage right now because my friend lugnut64 is a jerk, and so am I. Can't be bothered to fix it right now. Sorree.

:P

P.S.: In my old room, where I sleep when I come to visit, there is a Woody doll (Toy Story) that I had growing up and is now in a box under a bed that randomly starts talking in the middle of the night whenever I'm home in an endless thread of "My name's Woody!" and "There's a snake in my boot!" and "YEEHAW, cowboy!" and "You're my favorite deputy!" over and over and over and doesn't stop until I pay it attention, scaring the bejeezus out of me at 3 in the morning on many an occasion. I have no choice but to assume that it is haunted and that it only happens when I'm here because a) it's 10 years old and has never once had the battery changed (and when I was growing up, I abused the shit out of that pullstring) and b) it stops as soon as I dig it out of its box to see why or how the string got pulled. I think it's trying to tell me it wants to come back to Washington with me. 8|
Now I have only to figure out if it wants to be with me because it loves me or because it wants to murder me in my sleep...

I'm going home to be with my family for my birthday. This fills me with dread. As often as I feel this crushing sense of doom right before I travel home, mostly due to certain members of my family being tools, I haven't ever actually felt like everything that could possibly go wrong will go wrong until now. I want to see my family, but I don't think I could handle it right now if my dad or my sister kick up a drama shitstorm with their ridiculousness, like they always do. I am increasingly nervous that, as often happens on holidays or birthdays, one or both of them will begin to think that not enough attention is being radiated their way and they will explode from indignation or find some more passive aggressive way to make everyone else miserable. I can not remember a trip home where something did not leave me in tears. A vacation is not supposed to be that way. I don't know why people can't act normal for a week or two while they have houseguests. I don't care if I'm family. I grew up around that shit, I shouldn't have to deal with it when I live on the other side of the country. Ever. Currently, I fear this and more. As dad-and-sister centric as most of my problems are when I'm visiting, there is usually something at home to make me tear my hair out too. For once, I would like to not worry about any of it and just have a happy time with my mom and possibly my brother.

Anyway I fly this week and won't be back for a week or two most likely. Don't know how often I'll be online, probably only to check youtube or play Skyrim at night. I don't think I'll be doing much art, if any. I haven't been in the mood for it at all lately.

Bye.

It is NOT okay to use my art or my characters without my permission.

If someone is using my art on another page, unless it is a commission paid for by them, I DID NOT GIVE THEM PERMISSION TO USE IT. I would NEVER give anyone permission to alter artwork of my own characters.

It is also NOT ok to use my characters in role playing sessions, and since I do not RP, anyone who claims to be me IS LYING.

This capslock-littered journal brought to you by someone who thinks it's clever to smear my name in mud assuming I won't find out about it.

It is NOT okay to use my art or my characters without my permission.

If someone is using my art on another page, unless it is a commission paid for by them, I DID NOT GIVE THEM PERMISSION TO USE IT. I would NEVER give anyone permission to alter artwork of my own characters.

It is also NOT ok to use my characters in role playing sessions, and since I do not RP, anyone who claims to be me IS LYING.

This capslock-littered journal brought to you by someone who thinks it's clever to smear my name in mud assuming I won't find out about it.

I have been far too busy playing to check any of my messages pretty much anywhere, ever since I started playing on Christmas Day.

How did my journey begin, you ask? I spent an hour collecting alchemy ingredients even though I already knew most of them aren't worth much and I have no intention of dabbling in alchemy except to make health potions. I still collect everything I see, and until I bought the house in Whiterun, I became overburdened far more than I'd like to admit whilst traipsing through the wilderness. That's right; on items that weighed less than a pound.

I feel that dragons are far too easy to kill, but at the same time think it's a blessing as I've randomly stumbled on four or five of them outside of their designated nesting spots, and they've landed in towns while I was trying to conduct business. I have had to reload my game once or twice though because I don't like it when they kill villagers. I'm actually playing a nice person this time around, even though I usually steal everything that isn't bolted to the floor and kill anyone who sees me do it in Elder Scrolls and Fallout games.

I'm a good ways into the game now, but I'm mostly putting off the main story. There's too much exploring to do and too many random passersby to assist.

I do have a question though. If you take sides with either the Stormcloaks or the Empire, does one side start to attack you on site? And why, even though I've witnessed both sides plotting to invade Whiterun, don't I have the option of warning Jarl Balgruuf? I don't want my house to get sacked ;.;

Back to the real world though, today is volunteer day and there are other things I've been neglecting. Bai.

I don't care if you don't celebrate, have a merry one anyway. >:C

I will be spending it watching The Muppets Christmas Carol and A Muppets Family Christmas.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3025184/

The link is to a journal written by my friend
I hope that the people who read it think about this. I want to sort of expand on it because bullying is something I take pretty seriously. Tin's journal, and recent events both personal and in the media have been bringing back a lot of things that I'd rather not think about, but those of us who have experienced this kind of thing need to speak up and help those who are going through it now.

I don't really know what goes through the mind of a mean kid. I don't really know if they're thinking about what they're doing at all. A bully finds a weakness and exploits it for personal gain, whether it's to feel better about themselves, feel tough, feel important, or feel like their friends respect them more. I don't really care what the reason is. I'm lucky in the sense that my bullies either lost interest (though it took them 6 or 7 years to do so), or because I eventually got tired of being beaten down and started to fight back. A lot of kids never make it out of that position. Fully-grown adults can have serious issues that stem from being bullied in school. When you see the same kids every day for 12 years out of your life, things don't tend to change much, and I don't really understand why some people seem to think that bullying isn't that big of a deal. You might say that they'll get over it, they'll grow up and rise above it. Some of us do. Some of us have. Some of us however, don't even make it beyond the age of 16. For an adult, especially one who has never experienced being a victim, it's easy to say that a kid can wait it out and will become a better person for it later. When you're an adult, you can say that the harassment took place a long time ago and you've grown into a more grounded and fair person because you know what it's like to be a victim. When you're a kid though, your sense of the past is much more immediate. A 15 year old who has been bullied all through school has spent the last two thirds of their lives being hounded by the same kids, day in and day out. When you're 15, you don't really think about how in a few years you'll graduate and be able to escape it either. It is your life.

After I moved to what would become my home for most of my school years at the age of 8 or so, I had my first experience with bullying. Tin and I dealt with pretty much all of the same kids because we grew up in the same schools. Those kids may or may not have had different reasons for hating us, but it really doesn't matter. There are bullies in every school, and if they find a weaker kid to pick on, the reason is rather irrelevant. Whether there's a fat kid in class, a kid who is sensitive and quiet, or just "different," a bully will find a way to make that kid miserable for YEARS.

I remember being picked on for a lot of reasons, one of which was simply because I was not "native." I was born in America, but I lived overseas for several years before I moved back, and suddenly found myself in the last quarter of the third grade with a bunch of kids who hated me because I was "new." "Different." "Weird." It did not help that I was also overweight, wore glasses, was a good kid, a quiet kid, and mostly liked to keep to myself. I liked to draw, I liked to read, I got good grades, and somehow that was not acceptable. The bullying came mostly in the form of a group of kids trying to humiliate me in various ways on a near daily basis, but there was also hair pulling, pushing, punching, spitting, having my glasses broken once or twice, playground pranks, and two-faced people who were friendly to my face but spread rumors about me behind my back to keep their status in the "cool kids" group.

Someone who doesn't have much experience with bullying might think that this is just grade-school kids behaving like grade-school kids, or that this sort of thing doesn't happen as often as some might claim. Nnnnnnno. In my case, this went on every day from shortly after I moved into that school district, through middle school, and well into high school until I eventually developed my sterling sarcastic exterior and learned to punch harder than the kids who grew up using me as a punching bag. Bullies don't grow out of being bullies, they only stop bullying a particular kid when it becomes inconvenient to continue doing so. It happens every day in schools all over the world, and it doesn't stop because kids are rarely punished for treating other kids like dirt. For some kids, it goes on from the day they start school to the day they graduate. Some kids decide they don't want to wait a few more years to get away from their bullies and take their own lives. Bullying isn't something you just get over. Even for those of us who rise above it somehow and ward off our bullies, there are still truly painful memories, and the knowledge that your peers think of you as something to ridicule is a pretty psychologically damaging thing to a kid. I'm much older now and even though I still have memories of the things that happened to me, I consider myself rather lucky because I knew kids who had it a lot worse than I did and I know that even today one or two of them are still deeply affected by it.

Are you a victim of cruelty by your classmates? Is one of your friends? Are you guilty of being cruel? Are you a parent of one or the other? End the cycle. Shut it down.
If you are one of the bullied, you might feel ashamed of telling your parents or your teachers about your classmates, being a tattle-tale and possibly making them hate you more, but the truth is, those are not the kids you want approval from in the first place. They are neanderthals. They are responding to a primeval, animal instinct to climb to the top of some imaginary chain, and you should feel sorry for them for thinking they have any significance whatsoever. You can live a much better life if you stop worrying about what they think of you and tell someone who can help you. You would probably be helping out another kid your bully is victimizing too.
If you're raising a child who is being bullied, it is never too early to talk to them about it, talk to their teachers, talk to the parents of their bullies, and save your kid from years of depression and misery. The sad fact is that without proactive involvement from parents, most school authorities will do nothing about hazing, bullying, fighting, and generally hooliganistic behavior. I saw it when I was in school and I see it even more now with younger friends, my younger cousins, and even teachers I know who are becoming more and more ashamed of the vast majority of their peers. Teachers today think it's not in their job description to look after the well-being of the kids in their classes. They think they're not paid enough to break up fights or look after kids who "were just born to be victims, so why fight it." That is a quote from a second grade teacher who works with my aunt. Schools are also becoming more and more squeamish about lawsuits from the parents of bullies who are punished for their behavior. Your kid won't get any help within the school without you raising hell over it. Do not wait until it is too late.

I know bullying has been an issue raised a lot in the media lately, and that is because suicides caused by bullying are becoming more and more commonplace. It IS as serious as they claim, and it IS preventable.

DO something about it.

The stream thing never happened because I've been busy over the last several days. So behind on Christmas presents it's not even funny. I may or may not do something this weekend, but first I need to get a LOT of crafting done. It doesn't help that for the last two days I've felt like hurling. Also today I feel pretty terrible and weepy for some reason. Nerds.

I now have a laptop that can handle Steam and higher-powered games, so I'll be reinstalling Steam and hoping that the same problems don't occur with the settings I was having before. I'll happily add new friends to Steam (my screenname on Steam is the same one I use everywhere), but I can't afford to buy any new games for a while so I won't be playing and probably won't be logging in that often. I might lurk through the store though and see what's even worth buying. Skyrim will probably be at the top of my list if I decide not to get it for the PS3. If anyone has any recommendations I'll add them to my list.
(Edit: OH LOOKIE, as soon as I install it, the Steam server shuts down. Brilliant. I will try again later.)

It also occured to me today that my new computer can probably handle streaming as well. I tried it a few times on my old laptop, but it was laggy and made a terrible screeching noise. I may try it again. I'm not ready to start any grand art projects just yet though. Give me a few days and maybe I'll experiment with an older piece I've been meaning to finish for a while. (My livestream screenname is also the same, and I will of course link to my channel when it's active). This is also going to have to wait until I figure out what I did with my Photoshop install disc.

Other updates, my new laptop is amazing.
Also, I'm finishing up my first class after going back to school today, and I do believe it has gone very well for someone who did ok-but-not-spectacular in science classes before. This is the main reason for my inactivity lately, but once the class is over I'd like to be more active again and go out and do stuff since I was cooped up all of the time studying. So I might still be inactive no matter what.

In any case, I'll mess around with Steam and maybe try a livestream later this week. I'm eager to test the capabilities of my new babbie.

Was linked to this, found it absurdly amusing

http://youtu.be/BgAlQuqzl8o

My AIM and MSN contact info are posted here mostly for the sake of people who are buying commissions from me, but I honestly don't mind it when people just want to strike up a chat. It's a good day when I meet new people to talk to. However, being a creeper usually gets you insta-blocked. I've been getting a lot of strange IMs lately, and although I've ALSO been getting a lot of bot activity, there are a few that just seem too odd to be ad bots. Since this is the only place that I'm aware of my info being posted publically, I'm going to have to assume it's someone (or someones) on this site.

Whenever someone new IMs me, I instantly ask where they got my screenname. It's blunt, but like I said, I get a lot of IMs from bots, so I have to weed out the chaff. If I don't get an answer within 2 minutes, I block. If you're trying to buy a commission from me, your best bet is always to note me here first (also keeping in mind that I'm not open at the moment). If you just want to chat, that's cool, but have some sense and tell me who you are without being a creepy motherfucker.

That is all.

It's been a while since I've managed to post something more than once a month. I mentioned before that I've been dealing with some personal issues. It's not as bad lately, but I have been too busy to keep much of a presence here. I've been drawing a few times a week, just nothing I've particularly felt like posting anywhere.

SO.

While I'm still looking for an alternative to the art hosting sites I'm familiar with, and still tinkering with the possibility of building my own site, I will post some of the art I've completed lately whether I feel like anyone would care about it or not. This is more for myself, to keep up a steady routine, than anything else. My latest submission was the only anthro work I've done in a long time, so you can ignore or view at your leisure.

In the meantime, I have no idea what it says on my frontpage right now, but commissions are closed for the foreseeable future.

Time to watch some Team Fourstar while I get ready for my volunteer shift.

And a serious note about the Paypal thing:
If you write a detailed description about the porn you're buying on a site that has a company policy against pornography, you're an idiot. Do yourself and the artist you're commissioning a favor and don't do it.

People probably should have paid attention several months ago when Paypal cracked down on FA for using their site to sell porn :V

THANKS, GUYS.

...does anyone know what's happening with that? It was in production for like 2 years and then vanished.

My laptop is driving me insane someone stop me from buying a new one right away

A lot of personal issues have kept me from being particularly active here, among other things. I'm also considering making a new site somewhere as FA is really not what I want out of a showcase anymore, and while Tumblr was neat for a while, it's pretty useless as a portfolio gallery. That's not to say I'm leaving FA entirely, I'll probably just end up being about as active as I have been for the last few months on a more permanent basis. I do still check my inbox a few times a week, but I've been pretty bad about getting caught up on anything. I also have art to post that I just haven't felt like uploading. I think the drabness of FA is getting to me. I want a more customized gallery.

As I said, I've been having a lot of issues lately, both personal and family related. Because of recent events I've been thinking about myself as a person a lot. I don't like me. I need change. At this point if things keep going the way they have, I might go off the deep end. I've been struggling for a while with a lot of crap, most of all my employment situation,which is to say there isn't one. I started doing volunteer work early this year to have something new to add to my resume, but so far it hasn't even gotten me a foot in the door anywhere. By the way, this is not a plea for donations. I can take care of myself for a while because I hoarde money. When I still had my last job I barely spent anything. Frustration is all I'm feeling. About that, and other even more personal things that I won't go into.

All I'll say about it is that I just wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything will turn out ok.

I was having a really nice day today before things happened.

I am not a babysitter and I am not a middleman.

Juvenile bald eagles are adorable.

I love Wild and Wonderful West Virginia.

Old people talk over tour guides more annoyingly than children.

How is it possible that I had over 1k new submissions in my inbox in the two days before FA went into read-only mode when I normally have no more than 40?

Then after read-only mode was lifted, I only had about 20 more?

I should be doing homework, but meh. I have 5 more days.

I have art to post, but meh. I don't feel like it.

I was writing a long journal about how saddened I am by the way people behave, but after a while I honestly just couldn't think of any more to say to express how distraught I feel. I'll just sum it up by saying that I'm a hardcore cynic, and no matter how many times I try to see humanity in a different light, when people do truly horrendous things for stupid and selfish reasons it really doesn't help much.



For future reference, because I just know you rational human beings need help with this stuff;
If your boyfriend can't handle the fact that you can't conceive, dump him or adopt. Murdering pregnant women and their unborn fetuses is frowned upon in normal society.

There are eight different types of tea in my cupboard, but can you guess which one I have a craving for?
BREAKFAST TEA, which is the one type I don't have.







My self-centered thought of the day.

I don't care how much people say Blizzard ballsed up DiabloIII. I still want to play it.

I've seen videos of the multiplayer beta, and I am excite. I've been jonesing on DiabloII lately, but since I've finished that one gourds knows how many times, it's not really sating my thirst for demon slaying. I need new demons. I need new demon-infested cities. I need new demon-slaying classes.

Only problem is my laptop. I'm fairly certain a new game would murder it. Someday, I will be able to afford a new one. Then maybe I'll be able to play D3.

The Kumars at No. 42 is on instant Netflix.

















You will not see me for several days.