So I'm in College, the first week is over, I've made new friends, love my roommates, felt the pain of parting with a month's pay for books I really don't need...It is a start, but the most recent development...I came out to one of my roommates and his girlfriend. The first two people I have ever told in real life, and not over text.

They thought I was kidding.

I assured them it was true, and they accepted it as only friends could.

I felt an emotion I really didn't know how to cope with, so I just smiled.

I don't know how to feel about it, I'm happy that I finally told someone, surprised that it came out nonchalantly, as if I told them that I had brown hair, but it is just the strangest thing... If it were people I had known for a year, I would probably have started crying, but I felt so comfortable that I just couldn't help it. Frankly, I do not think I could tell anyone else. For over a two years, I have had that weight of not being able to talk to anyone about it.

It was killing me on the inside.

It felt like I was lying to everyone.

It is a start, and hopefully I'll grow in to myself. Finally be comfortable with who I am, and I am not quite there, but I suppose "telling" is the first step.


Even if this is never read, I'm glad to have someplace to record it.

I can count the weeks, until a new chapter in life begins, on one hand.

It is a frightening experience, and frankly, it is hard to tell if I am ready for it.

The feeling of becoming more distant with my family is growing.
The want to be out in the world is intoxicating.
The need to discover who I really am is like a stigma.
The realization that these things will all be coming true in less than a month has me on the edge of my seat.

The feeling is so surreal that I feel like a spectator in an operating room, and no matter what I do, what is about to happen will not stop for anything.

In Music, it is not how the note Began, but how it Ended. No one sits in awe of the beginning, but are inspired by the silence brought after.

Of course, this is my first journal entry, but the question seems strange, the one I am asking myself, what should I put here?
I suppose it might seem redundant to the effect that this probably won't be read, but if any one person reading this finds it interesting, thank you.

A good way to start this may be to say that I am in a dark place at the moment. Nothing suicidal or any sort of questionable mental state like that, but more in a rather mind wrenching state that comes with being on the edge of adulthood. To be testing how close I can get to the threshold of independence. To be hours away from home, yearning for it, but at the same time dreading it. To be looking at my fellow peers while some take the plunge and others back away. The thoughts that occur to me are that I never really found someone to confide in. Someone to listen to my deepest troubles and tell me it will be okay. Sure I had close friends, but none made that most important connection.

As I reach closer and closer to that impending leap of faith, I find myself smiling, my chance to make a new me, and not lie about myself. How I actually feel.

It is rather funny that it is easier, and feels good, to let these words flow from my finger, but still too raw to voice to those close to me.