Was it like this before? he asks.
Will it be like this forever?
I can't choke out a yes.
Long distance is too far away
to risk a suicide.
On his way to a date with some
interim girl, he gets a message on
his pager. She cancels his chance,
ending his night before it's begun.
He calls me from a payphone,
halfway across the world, and says
I'm all messed up with no place to
go.

(The lions pick their teeth
clean with your bones.
Christian, your only crime
is that you fell in love with a lion.)

I hear the catch in his voice and
he breaks down, tearing apart like silk.
I just don't want to go home.
I just don't want to go home alone,
he whispers, as if the oxygen
costs too much. If only I
could reach across the country
to the dark parking lot
where's he's falling apart a piece
at a time.

(The lions smell your blood
and breathe in your dust.
If they destroy you, Christian
it's because they must.)

And the little god
with the broken head
and the broken heart
sighs and beats the time.

I have come to Los Angeles to die,
he moans.
I have come to Los Angeles to die.



Midnight’s calling
Are you close behind?
Midnight’s calling
Are you close behind?

Trees without leaves and notes that don’t ring
Wine left to rot and a voice that can’t sing
And hours of making love in silence
And a light that just won’t shine in the darkness

Could I be any clearer?
Could I speak any plainer?- I need you here
Just to lean my way
And fall, fall, fall

Holding my breath walking at night with you
I get to hear your voice again
if this is a dream maybe you'll stay with me
stay with me please stay with me

This is where we met
we're back here again

don't leave me alone
don't leave me alone
I can't stand the way the world feels
when I'm walking alone..

..And once you told me that you loved me so much
I foolishly began to trust, but
Now I'm ignored and I'm taking more, till
Something is happening.

I'll take one 'cause I needed to feel it so much
I needed that thing we call fun, but
Now I'm ignored and I'll take some more, till
Something is happening
Cause once I thought you were right here with me, so
Maybe I'll take two or three
Until I believe what I have seen is really happening.

Morpheus! How could you leave me when I had need of your love?
Stop holding back!
Give me one reason to think you're decent
When I am alone
Don't you ever try to bring me back

With this one I needed to feel you so much,
I wantingly longed for your touch..

Now, all of you come crawling out of the woodwork. Don't. There's more. It'll get better.

No, it won't. I've hit my breaking point. I can't do it anymore. I can't keep picking up the pieces of myself; I've shattered so many times they're nothing but ash. Just go away. Go away, and go back to the lives you lived perfectly fine without me for years. You forgot I existed, once I left your circles, left your world.

I'm tired of always living in pain. I'm tired of always hurting. Of always struggling. Of never being enough for anyone. Of never being able to carry my own weight.

Kurt, Dani.. You're the exception. You have, from the moment I met you, never offered an apology. Instead, you gave. You reached out and touched me, and everything you did was selfless and beautiful. And I'm sorry.


Adam, I love you. I gave my life to you. I let you draw me in and believed every word you said--even though I knew, deep down, I was going to be hurt. And I'm sorry, that I'm not good enough. I'm sorry, that I can't be her. That I can't just give all the time. You can't ask me to live in a life without you--knowing that you're in another woman's arms. You can't ask me, to fight through this life alone.. because it was supposed to be the one we were sharing.
I'm sorry, for every cruel thing I ever said. I'm sorry for everything.


I can't. I refuse to continue an existence where I do nothing but lose.

If anyone in the Ohio area knows someone trustworthy that wants a Pit Bull mix pup, housebroken and the like, or an unaltered Male Tabby.. Let me know.

I'm done. I'm trying to wrap up loose ends. I still have to return $300 to Ziggas.

You come back into my life after ten years of radio-silence, and then profess this need to 'rescue me' from the situation I have chosen to be in. You seem to think I'm the same teenage girl, trying to run from her problems. I'm not. I haven't ran in a long time. I'm facing the consequences of my actions, and trying to piece it together.

But you, you say you'd be content with friendship, but all it feels like is that you've become a vulture. Waiting for my relationship to fail, and sweep me up in your talons to become a meal; coddle the broken doll.

And I hate it. I hate the fact you think that you can come back and I'll just welcome you. I hate the fact that you think of me as a pity-case. And I rebel. I gnash my teeth and hold my ground. I won't be anyone's pet-project. I refuse to be coddled by someone that stripped themselves purposefully from my life, and made no effort towards me..

..Until now. Until you thought you had this chance to take me.


I GAVE you your chance. Years. You were the one that made the ultimate choice. I didn't begrudge you that. I was up and prepared to be a nomad, you had your heart set on art school. I would have only broken that for you.

I don't know where this relationship is right now, if it even is one. But I will never be yours again. Ever. Not because I'm spiteful (Which I am, most assuredly), but because I am not what you really want. You have always been a charity-driver. I am not a charity-case.

I'm a Pit Bull. I lock my teeth into something, and I don't let go until it's dead--or I have my jaw broken. I'm close on both, but I have to see it through.

This is one of those situations I'm so ill-prepared for: What do you say, to those loves from the grave--that crawl back and beg you for supplicant?

I was supposed to be getting my last paycheck from my old job on top of my new one, this Friday. ...But the old one never came. Now, I'm $450 short of all my bills. I'm facing eviction. I don't know what to do. I have no where else to go.

I just want loved by someone that doesn't want me to change everything that is me. That doesn't make me feel bad for wanting a family, or for needing to be held at night. That can handle my baggage-- be prepared to hold my hand in the hospital, or keep track of medicine where I forget. Where the compromises aren't ripping me apart--where I'm not being strung along on the belief I might have two out of three of the things I want most. I could deal with two out of three.

I've done everything I know, to try and balance this. Gone against every piece of my nature to do it. And all that's been done to me? Lies. Constant lies and no fulfillment of anything. Relationships aren't meant to stay the same forever. They're supposed to grow, and evolve, and move forward.

I have suddenly reconnected with people I haven't seen in nearly twenty years. One of them invited me and my dog over for the Fourth. It's surreal! I'm both excited, and full of trepidation.. WHAT DO I WEAR? OH LAWDY!

I love you
because the earth turns round the sun
because the North wind blows north
sometimes
because the Pope is Catholic
and most Rabbis Jewish
because winters flow into springs
and the air clears after a storm
because only my love for you
despite the charms of gravity
keeps me from falling off this Earth
into another dimension
I love you
because it is the natural order of things

I love you
like the habit I picked up in college
of sleeping through lectures
or saying I'm sorry
when I get stopped for speeding
because I drink a glass of water
in the morning
and chain-smoke cigarettes
all through the day
because I take my coffee Black
and my milk with chocolate
because you keep my feet warm
though my life a mess
I love you
because I don't want it
any other way.

I am helpless
in my love for you
It makes me so happy
to hear you call my name
I am amazed you can resist
locking me in an echo chamber
where your voice reverberates
through the four walls
sending me into spasmatic ecstasy
I love you
because it's been so good
for so long
that if I didn't love you
I'd have to be born again
and that is not a theological statement
I am pitiful in my love for you

The Dells tell me Love
is so simple
the thought though of you
sends indescribably delicious multitudinous
thrills throughout and through-in my body
I love you
because no two snowflakes are alike
and it is possible
if you stand tippy-toe
to walk between the raindrops
I love you
because I am afraid of the dark
and can't sleep in the light
because I rub my eyes
when I wake up in the morning
and find you there
because you with all your magic powers were
determined that
I should love you
because there was nothing for you but that
I would love you

I love you
because you made me
want to love you
more than I love my privacy
my freedom my commitments
and responsibilities
I love you 'cause I changed my life
to love you
because you saw me one friday
afternoon and decided that I would
love you
I love you I love you I love you

But I don't deserve a pirate's
death because I am not brave,
nor strong, nor beautiful like
the wild sea. I am cruel though,
and unkind, selfish and greedy,
but I am not determined, not
adventurous, not able to carry on
living without an arm or a leg.
So the promise of treasure remains
unfulfilled like your words
that fall like illusory gold
coins from your lips--unreal,
false, hopeless. And I will wait
to die on land instead of under-
water, growing old with empty
dreams and my own ghosts.


My grandmother, whom raised me, mostly.. Is dying. We've had our ins-and-outs, but even through the shit she's done, I still love her. And she was still the only piece of my family that didn't cut off contact during my life.

She went into the hospital for a simple cold. That cold became pneumonia, and from the x-rays they took of her lungs, they found a tumor. It's cancerous, and blocking her airways.


There isn't much hope.

On top of that, I'm likely going to get fired. Transportation issue. GREAT TIME TO BE ME.

"..and I want to know if anyone has ever really gotten
to the bottom of anything in this world without dying."

WHO GOT INTO THE CATACLYSM ALPHA? ME, BITCHES.

I've been homeless the last month. Just got a new place and internet, and dog. But I'm probably not going to make it. So little income. And I can't take a second job. Fuck my life.

I smiled some today, wore my brave face and tried to swallow my grief and fear. It worked.. for five hours. Then, I crumbled. I got home and curled into my chair, and cried.


http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/.....emorenight.jpg


I can't keep doing this. Help me.

I found out today that the people 'boarding' my dog, Jonah, lost him. Over a week ago. And were too afraid to get in contact with me.

So, on top of this terrible month.. My baby is gone. Jojo isn't a friendly dog. He was a bad abuse case that I spent over a year rehabilitating-- he's fear-aggressive and painfully timid with people. He's like my child. I was more worried about a home for /him/ when I got here, than myself. I even sold the other dog to pay off boarding for Jonah.

I spent from 11AM to 10PM in tears. Passed out an hour, and went back to crying.

My friends took me to some shelters to try and find him; they went in before I did(since it was their family members that lost him..)--and found a dog that looked a lot like my boy. But it wasn't my Jojo. I got my hopes up and ended up breaking down right there. What was even worse, was that this look-alike puppy threw himself into my lap and refused to leave it until I took him back to the kennel aide.

What have I done to deserve a month this horrible? What did I fucking do?

"When all is said and done
And dead does he love you
The way that I do?
Breathing in lightning,
Tonight's for fighting.
I feel the hurt so physical.."


Think about that. You say that you're crying constantly, but you have someone to turn to. You don't have to go through it alone. Eventually she'll 'logic' you out of the hurt. You'll stop checking here, you'll stop the occasional text. You'll hate me, and that's going to be it.

And I'll be the one stuck in this. Still loving you, and still betrayed. And still wanting everything.


Edit: I just found the giant stack of letters that I'd been writing for you, months ago. I had so much love, this infinite amount of belief and hope. It's ripping me apart. I kind of want to send them anyway, just so that they aren't here--reminding me of the fact that my heart just doesn't exist anymore.

"..When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The new born hope unjaded by their years

Pressed up against the glass
I found myself wanting sympathy
But to be consumed again
Oh I know would be the death of me
And there is a love that's inherently given
A kind of blindness offered to appease
And in that light of forbidden joy
Oh I know I won't receive it.."


I really should just hate you. Wall myself up and try to calcify everything I'm feeling into a little ball of anger and fury. It's there, certainly. But, the larger part of me.. just misses you. I constantly slide my phone open, hoping for some little message informing me that this was all just a bad dream. That it's okay.

I'm crying every day. Not because of my position, but because you're gone. Because it's hell, moving through the hours without you. I'm so tired of sobbing. I'm so tired of always hurting and being exhausted. I'm on the verge of being on the street, still horribly sick, but all I can think of is the fact I may never have the comfort of your voice at night again.

What did you want me to do, Puppy? Lie? Pretend that I was happy all of the time, that I could handle it? You know I did what was right. I wish I could undo it. I wish I could have never said anything. I wish I were dead. I wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I can't carry this forever. Knowing that I wasn't enough. That my love was second-best.

I'm not sure what I should have expected-- I've never been enough for anyone in my life. My parents, Jen, anyone.

I can't make it through this one. We both know that. I've fallen into the grave, and even though I'm screaming and clawing at the walls.. They're still shoveling in the dirt.

I am about to lose my home. I've frantically been looking for apartments that I qualify for, but can't find anything. None of the more affordable efficiencies are close enough to my work-place; I have no car, and the bus schedule for this area is 7-7, no holidays.

I've hit my limit. I've got nothing.

And I'm scared. Terrified, really. I don't see any way out of this.

Beyond a needle. I've thought about it a while. I know the correct dosages to be fatal. The consequences are, however-- what if it /doesn't/ kill me? I suppose it's better than the humiliation of curling up in a grotto every night. Better than going hungry and sitting in the rain.