Our refrigerator been on the fritz for the past year, and technician basically said that it would cost more to keeping fixing it than getting it replaced. Unfortunately, no one in the house has the flexibility in their budget to pay for one and a few days ago the refrigerator stopped working (and on the day after we did some bulk shopping). Everyone is tight on their budgets, all of us is working to get by until the next month. To make it worse, the landlord decided to raise rent again. So, folks in the household are trying to scrounge what money we have to get a replacement.

Created a Ko-Fi goal for asking for donations for the issue. And any measure of generosity is appreciated.
https://ko-fi.com/defilerzero/goal?g=0

---- UPDATE ----

Seems like Ko-Fi closed my page, and won't allow to reopen it even if I make changes. Sorta annoyed, and wonder if other kink artist dealt with this as well.

Start of the month, and felt nice about progress of the month before. Financially sorta broke even, even if rent was short. (Struggling artist and all.) Still have resumes and applications out for some part-time positions to help with the bills around the house. I will say that I am proud of the breaking even accomplishment as an artist... it's not perfect but its something.

Update aside, February commissions are open though out the month. Starting at $75, I'm happy to draw all sorts of adorableness and kinky things, from dungeon adventurers to lustful passion seekers. Just feel free to DM me directly for any questions on commissions. Besides regular commissions, been floating the idea to do con-badges as an option. Just con-badges are also a physical item, so would have to look at shipping items if I do. As well, supporting me on Patreon opens me up to do more free-form art, which some is exclusive to Patreon followers where supporters get a month early.

For February, doing a special set of YCH auctions for Valentines. For more information, check here: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/50846202/

At the moment, finishing up a comic commission and starting the the recent YCH piece. My plate has open up for new commissions to be receive. While waiting to hear back on local part time job positions, each commission helps supports me and ensures that I pay for my share of bills in the household. Getting down a flow on finishing up commissions more timely than I have in the past. And there is also the option to support me though Patreon. With a price of a dessert or coffee to help steer the content I produce with a monthly comic for my supporters, as well as the flexibility to draw whatever kinks I'd be in a mood for.

If you like a commission done, feel free to send me a note. Pricing will start at $100 USD for a full color piece. Additional characters and complexity is extra. I will be taken commissions throughout the month.

Rent is around the corner, and looking to pay my bills. Opening up commissions for a few slots with my usual rates (starting at $100). From single pictures to sequences and comics, glad to help draw other folks adorable niche interests. :3

Plus, Pateron is open for joining. Membership just helps me have a more passive income when I do personal art or coding without feeling like I'm missing out on the need to be making money. Still revisiting possible goals in the future, but restarting art streams is on the list.

Also, early Happy New Year for everyone and the best wishes to 2023.

It's December, and time to do more commissions. I got a few comic ones in the pipeline, but always open to do more in between them. Pricing as usual, starting at $100.

And if not wishing to have a commission but wish to support, there is always a Patreon to support. Go to https://www.patreon.com/defilerzero and be up to date with art and upcoming polls.

With Twitter on the frizts, it reminded me that I have a old Patreon that could be used.

Supporter will be drawn for monthly art pieces and vote on special Patreon exclusive pieces. As well as a passive income to help with bills and living. :3

Visit it at: https://www.patreon.com/defilerzero

Read about it here on my twitter: https://twitter.com/defilerzero/sta.....573304320?s=20

But the TL;DR: capitalist hellscape and money is needed to live. Gonna open a few slots, and maybe keep a trickle of commissions going.

A reason for the lack of activity was due to the recent Ludum Dare game jam, which I can conclude was a success. The game I made came in at 124th place in the voting (with a 73rd in Fun), which is impressive for a solo dev. Feel free to give it a go and feel free to donate: Burger Rush. The easy of synopsis of Burger Rush is that you have 10 seconds to make a burger via pressing the corresponding keys for their ingredients. Heavily inspired by Cook Serve Delicious, and works well with the jam's theme: "every ten seconds".

And with the jam finished, I can get to drawing again and not judging all the other entries in the jam.

Mephit Fur Meet is this coming weekend, so will be back there this weekend. If anyone wants to see me feel free poke me if your there. (Probably be hanging around the boardgames with friends. x3 )

After that, and when I return, will buckle down on art and less time researching game coding tutorials and read out. Surprising hard to keep a schedule when you also wanna learn new algorithms and techniques. Ludum Dare is the end of the September, so thinking on that as well as feeling self-aware of the lack of credentials for the gaming industry. >n<

So, except more art later, another opening of commissions, and a little more focus when I get back. :3

Open up to do some commissions for the first time in forever. Checking my Twitter post for some info: https://twitter.com/defilerzero/sta.....2YxZossd85QHCA

We will see how that goes.

Doing an art raffle currently on my Twitter. Link here: https://twitter.com/defilerzero/sta.....LKYtx0POQBzCKw

Primarily, it is something to help focus myself to do the art flow going. Been sorta floundering around on what to draw, and having an outside influence to go 'draw this' might help it out. As someone who used to work remotely with managers just telling me to do stuff always got me up in the morning.

Plus, if this clicks, may open up to commissions again in the future. (Finishing the few old ones first, that came about in a horrible time of my recent life.)

So, almost Feburary 2022, and felt like I need a good update for folks:

First, since my move back last summer to Cali and now living with my boyfriend, it's been a blast. Its so nice to be close to him again, and been a great for my stress and personal well-being. With that though, it allowed me to call quits on the remote desk job at the start of this year. Giving myself a month or two to draw and program, and find what I want to do next. Cali offers so many other opportunities to pursue the goals I had sense getting into college... and plenty of game companies have offices here on the West Coast.

But that aside, January been pretty low energy after the first few weeks of finishing office work and then the rest of the month getting into that headspace of producing whatever I want. From random doodles to little hobby code projects, setting my mornings aside to work on hobbies now... it is daunting, but filled with so many possibilities.

Anywho, best of luck to me.

So, small update for the folks out there: Covid sucks. Was tested positive this past Sunday after not feeling well, and the past week has been isolated in my room. Boyfriend was negative which was great to hear, and been taking care of me from the other side of a door. Making meals for me, or getting me food and juice. It's just I haven't left this room unless to use the bathroom, shower, or grab a bottle water.

And you may be wondering: I'd thought you were vaccinated. Yes. Yes, I am. The vaccine isn't 100% prevention, but prevents it from being far lethal. The first few days just left me with no energy and just coughing a storm. I can see myself in a hospital bed if I didn't have the vaccine. So, folks out there: get the vaccine if you haven't yet. Also, please wear a mask indoor and practice good handwashing.

The last day or two though been feeling a lot better, less coughing and having the energy to do work-work in the morning. I can't wait to take a test again this weekend and hope to see a negative result, because I like to leave my room for a change.

So, big plans this summer:

In like two weeks from now, I will be on my way to live in California. The change on scenery and living back with my old roommate (and boyfriend x3 ) will be amazing for my mental well-being. I hate the pain of leaving my friends and family near me to move cross-country, but like what some of them said, "It's time for me to do something for myself for a change." And with how works been remote for the past... year and a half, employment is still a thing until either I find something better in Cali, or quick the capitalist game. The move is gonna be nice though, no matter how anxious (the top of a roller coaster time of anxiety, not the dread type) I am about it

Other things from the past few months, I participated in two game jams. Ludum Dare 48 and this past GMTK Jam. Happy to report that both games were a success, the first I was the artist in a team and the other was solo development. Both games resulted in around the top 7-ish percent of overall rating. Both making me content with the idea of exploring a more in-depth game project in my spare time. If curious about the games, find them here: Dwammings (LD48 entry) and Get Together (GMTK entry).

And lastly, about my nonbinary-ness. Been thinking on it for a few years now about how I feel about my gender. (Possible one reason I would be comfortable with a robot body.) Often I end with the thought of 'I'm a male but not a man'. Like, biologically I have a penis but I never felt like I needed that "man" identity. It's a reason why I keep my hair long, and possible why I was a mental mess the last time I had my hair short. The last time I was force to cut my hair, I cry in a bathroom for a good bit. It just been a part of me I suppose, just never sure about it. But, something more recent that bothered me the most about gender was when I played Star Citizen and was creating my avatar... and there was no middle option. I never felt so upset at a character creator when seeing it so limited to have someone in-between... I couldn't make myself and that was sad. And that just made it clicked in me.




But after all that, doing well and hope to provide an update after the move. :3

Wow, a week in to 2021 and OH BOY it's been something.

So, first (I feel like I don't need to say it but) if you support Trump or the events that occur Wednesday, or you're just a racist or a fascist: I don't want to see you. I would like you to just leave the country so the rest of us can start fixing it.

That aside, general update time:
1. On record with the last journal about some of my art issues, and gonna start remedy it. The new PC has the tablet hooked straight up to it, so I can easily find myself doodling for a half-hour or more before I unwind with some games. So, crossing my fingers I can keep that happening.

2. Been healthy and haven't contracted COVID yet. With almost the whole year my work let the office work remotely from the house has probably help mitigate any chance of me contracting it, as well as my trips to stores and friends has been severely limited. Only a small set of folks I interact with, and still its done with caution.

3. As for art uploading, FA might be the primary place that I will upload art from here on out. That and my twitter: https://twitter.com/defilerzero So, if you do follow my DA page, don't expect much from me, as much of my content I am interested in is more 'lewd' in nature.

With that, you all have a wonderful time and apologize for my rare uploading.

So, been in an art famine for a bit, either it coming from a lack of energy or a lack of satisfaction with the process, and after a spending time doing some self reflection:

1. Zero routine: any routine I had with doing art has been thrown out the window the past few months, and the social isolation been keeping attention on preserving my sanity. Much energy been to personal entertainment and reaching out to folks, as well as cooking more often. Any moment of creative thought usual occurs around midnight and involves TTRPG prep and planning. Since last week, plugging my laptop upstairs with the tablet hooked up in the morning has been helping with setting back up a routine. When it's already setup, I can just sit down and start.

2. Bad thoughts: the last time I was doing a lot of art was that it was a necessary to make rent. That last month, I was only one month away from becoming homeless and that was a horrifying prospect. Luckily, I got a well paying job that has been still treating me well during all this social isolation, but those few months after I got a job every time I looked at my tablet it reminded me of that scenario of being homeless. Those months of avoiding doing art then lead to the lack of routine, and then the lack of routine made me feel like a bad artist, and that just circles back around to another reason of avoidance. I understand this and have been coming to understanding this: it was a bad period and it shouldn't stop me from producing more art. The past week of new routine has been helping me with this.

3. Lack of Improvement: this may just be 'artist self-judgment' but I desire to improve my styling and technique, but every time I do, I think its garbage or doesn't look right or it should be better. It usually ends with me throwing out that work and feeling bad about it. But been trying new things recently, and looking at others work, and honestly, I shouldn't be ashamed about something looking off if it's new. Its new and will only get better. "Sucking at something is the first step to being awesome at something."

Self-reflection is always good. A routine will become exercise to keep it good. Wish me luck.

Well, getting back into it. Slowly enforcing the habit to do art more regularly. Baby steps and all.

But honestly, a huge burden been lifted that has been a hamper to my mood and any other endeavors, and that is of my employment. This person is no longer a contractor, and now a full-timer. So, more benefits and such, but the biggest is that I know I'll be guaranteed to be working for a lengthy period. No longer fearing that next month they may lay me off. It's really been putting me in a better mood.

Plus, the guinea pigs been making the apartment less depressing. Got a nice routine with them now... they still don't like being handled but it is fun to see them nap in the open. Now I just gotta think of how to take care of them if I ever travel to cons and such. <_<;

So, finally posted some art again... art that is old that finally finishing. Old commissions are next (one to be colored and the other shaded) to come out, and until then, more sketches to get me in a rhythm after the work day. As well as work on somethings I mentioned in my last journal. x3

Haven't posted anything in a while since focus is all over the place, but hey, been doing something about it.

Minor life update: work been good, but also super busy. Am now the only developer in the office, so more work been thrust upon me. It also means that they are in the process of making me full time now, instead of a contractor. Hopefully before the holidays so I get the paid-time off. Crossing my fingers on that.

But with all the work, been leaving the office has been leaving me with only the desire to lump on the sofa and play games. And so many fun games as of late: StarSector, Noita, Link's Awakening, modded Factorio. All fun and enjoyable, but guilty know that time could be spent elsewhere.

Some projects that I've been playing with in the mean time though:

> A CYOA intro to D&D 5e. I got the intro and hook all written out, and a player character made for the adventure. I got a pile of note-cards to organizing the adventure part. Heavy inspiration from the original D&D red books solo adventure, and like most CYOA, death can be found around every corner.

> A chibi collection of starter character for 5E, including the adventurer for the CYOA above.

> The pile of commissions that I've slowly working though. (I admit, it brings me shame to think about. I was in a bad spot when I accepted them, and I need to finish them. Folks who have them, I am deeply apologetic about this.)

> Other things I want to draw and finish, but would feel guilty if do them instead of said commissions above.

If I can make going to the gym a standard routine, I need to do the same mindset for art. Just another thing to exercise.

I can't recall the last time I got a commission, usually I just get badges done at cons. Gotta say, should totally throw money at other artists, because it's nice to see someone else draw your own OC.

But if you wanna take a peek at poor RubberHeart in peril, go here: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/31144209/

Haven't been active much in the art community, and feel the need to update folks.

1. Been in good health as of late (besides frequent acid reflux that wakes me up), and work been keep me busy. Irony, my previous boss is looking to be the new tech lead at my current job, and the office owner is actually concerned about my feelings on the matter. But with the busy period passing, will be leaving the office with a bit more energy to do things when I get home which leads me too...

2. With more energy and less work stress means I can focus back on art. So, expect some art from me soon. Will focus on fun things, as well as completing long over-due commissions. (The guilt about that makes me feel bad.) But, will plan a few evenings out of the week to work on art. Sidenote, since it's colder now, my art desk (and room in general) will be more pleasant to work in. During the summer, it just gets hot.

3. Birthday is around the corner (the 14th if curious), and the usual blues come with. It sorta hit me a few days ago when playing a boardgame and was getting a few rules wrong. Screwing up a few rules just snowballed into a sense that I'm a going be a screw-up for many years to come. It was a sweeping sense of self-loathing that stayed with me throughout the night. But that's just how depression works I suppose.

4. Also, been busy with family with the holiday, which is all good. Sundays usually involves me busy all day with family, especially since the niece and nephews been wanting me around more. (And I can't say no to those faces.) Looking forward to gift shopping for them this year. :3

5. Last, the most recent, a coworker past away and in short: cancer sucks. Do take care of yourselves out there.

This past month has had me come home with no energy, and numerous things that need to be done. And comparing myself to other folks has always caused more stress than I need. Works been good though, but some of the days are draining. An introvert stuck in meetings the majority of the time just leaves me want to curl up whenever I get home.

However, been going to the gym with a friend lately ( to be frank ), and it's been helping out physically. It's been good getting back into shape. But with it is a better sense of discipline with keeping a schedule. SO! Gonna start trying to do the same things on the off days of gyms, make time to do art after work the days I don't go to the gym.

This evening, only meant to work on something for a few hours, and it's now 10:30 by the time I'm writing this. (About 4 hours.) Something my brother suggest about miniature painting, and seems to carry over to art. Simply start on something, and then you'll lose track of the time. With that smut thought out of my head, I got several commissions to finish up.

To those people, thanks for the patience with me as I cope with a hectic year.

Well, new year and new plans: sorry for everyone that may think I'm dead or abandon art. With the holidays over with, and the back to work stress is relieved. (Honestly, I shouldn't worry about work... I'm trusted to do big things around the office, and I need to stop worrying.)

But yeah, resolutions: totally need more discipline on the art. There was a time I was able to focus on art and put things out, but the second half of last year sucked all motivation from me. There was a tons of things that occur the past that kicked me, from work and financial stress, even a few detrimental thoughts on my creativity.

So, to help get back into the art groove, gonna set aside time after work to do something creative. Need to make art a habit again, and have fun with it. :3

Anywho, enough typing... more doing. <_<

Merry Christmas to everyone, and hoping for everyone a Happy New Year. :3

Been playing games, and letting the stress in me slowly funnel out of me. Assemble some models I got from my brother, and been reading a new Pathfinder book I got for myself my birthday. Things are going well, and just wanna hope for the best for everyone.

Also, Black Mirror starts again tonight which is good. :D As well, wanna thank everyone for the watches and comments as of late. :3

One foot at a time getting out of my funk.

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!
*screams at tablet and wills it to produce art*

But yeah, gonna get back into the swing of things. Feeling better, not nearly stressing as much as I has been. And work is going well... feels like it might go from contract work to full-time with all the responsibilities they're throwing at me (as well as projects that will be starting next year). <__<

But commissions are in the pipeline, doing some artist appreciating throughout the month (some might not be inflation based, but they need application as well), and remembering that I am a good artist and I shouldn't judge myself and my abilities.

The new job has been going well, but unfortunately, won't be getting a full paycheck till mid October. So, as I stress and panic over my limited finances, I will be taking commissions the rest of the month.

Color commissions starting at $40
Sequences starting at $60 + $10 extra panel after the 3rd
Comics starting at $65 + $35 extra page

Looking to take at least 5 more commissions upon the 3 I have already in progress.