You heard me, fudge it.

Yay I found an avatar that I would like to put up! BOO! Its too big and I don't know how to change it since its a little animation. It makes me sad, but what the hell. Oh and never stick anything in your ear bigger than a damn volley ball. Cleaning my ears out with a q tip trying to get all the damn wax out of my ears. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain and a ringing in my ears. Das spoot, okay on a happier note I am in the process of getting some new art! YAY! Still have a few pieces I would like to get done but I need a vorish artist to do a few of them. Help a guy out if you know somebody that is taking commissions let me know. Okay? Well take care everybody!

Now that is a title for a journal entry! HA HA! Any way, at work people are constantly bringing their pets into the store. It drives me insane, seeing all these damn little yipping dogs all over the place. Not to mention the fact that they bite at people but the owners say that its the other persons fault. I just want to punt the damn things. Though people do bring in some interesting animals from time to time. I especially love it when they bring in birds. They are very cool, especially when they talk back to you.

But the other day I got a nice little surprise when a customer came in with a box with a hole in the top. I didn't know what was up at first. I peered closer into the box when suddenly a paw shot out and started swatting at nothing. I tilted my head to the side some and blinked a few times. Then the paw disappeared into the box. I leaned closer and this kitten's head popped out, it was so freaking cute. Then it meowed at me! ACK THE CUTENESS!

After the kittens head disappeared the box started to move around so I looked inside. There were two kittens in their rough housing, oh the cuteness! But onto darker things, my co-workers are idiots. I want to snap their freaking necks.

Yes once again I have beaten death! The cancerous growth in my neck has been removed! First we zapped it with chemo but it grew back. So now its been cut out. Rather than cutting my neck open they went in through my mouth then out the side of my throat. All I have to deal with is some stitches that itch like mad but they dissolve after a week or two. I remember the battle well, I was facing my old foe Death once more. The game was set and we went to battle! It was a long and brutal battle until at last Death believed he had me.

"I have you now."
"Not so fast Death, it is still my turn. And it is I, who has you." Click.
"Where? I don't see."
"Right here Death, diagonally."
"You win again, but next time you won't be so lucky."
"Yes I know, but until then it is victory dance time!"

So bleah, yeah cancer sucks but having it cut out good. Hopefully it won't come back again. And a whole cheesecake to the person that can figure out what game I was playing with Death!

To all those that have watched me, to all those that have favored the art I commissioned I say thank you. You all appreciated and I just want to say thanks. HA HA! FEEL THE LOVE!

I hate people, I really do. Idiots are constantly coming into the place where I work and as a cashier I am forced to interact with them. They are angry and often quite loud about their various problems. I got into a screaming match with an elderly man about pen refills. I work in a home improvement store with an office supply store next door. Plus I'm involved in an fight between two of my coworkers and they are putting sexual harassment suits out against each other. Bleah. The worst is the people that come in after going to church, I don't know why they are in such a foul mood but they are. They seem to be angry about everything I can't figure it out.

I did get a raise though, that was unexpected I was expecting that I would just get a slap across the face. Then an order to work harder, but instead I got told I was doing a great job. Plus there was the raise, which surprised me. In other news I would like to make an apology to Muzz since I appear to have offended her. I tried making a comment and found I was blocked. So I guess I angered her, I apologize for whatever I did to anger you. It might be my somewhat random comments or something else. I didn't mean any harm and again I apologize. I'll give more updates about my life later on. But for now I am still alive and could be better in the health department. My cancer is back.

The morning after the great range incident, its a stove. A very heavy gas stove, for some reason we call them ranges. Okay back on track, the morning after I awoke to such pain! I felt like the Tin Man after a rainstorm. I was so freaking stiff, it wasn't even funny! Every part of my body felt stiff andand like it was on fire. But I wasn't about to be late for work, I live about 15 miles away from town. Its not that much of a drive but the last 3 miles through town take about 15 to 20 minutes. Given the fact I only wake up an hour before I have to go to work its always a rush. After forcing my body to stretch to the point I could move I got ready for work then drove on in. It was straight to the managers office for a little chat about the incident.

HA HA! I could tell by the way the manager was talking to me he was afraid of a lawsuit. I hate his guts so much, hes the new manager for the store. First thing he did was when he arrived was basically say that everything we were doing was wrong. That only he could turn this store around, profits were up and employees happy. His second act was to piss off our best customers the contractors by taking away their discounts. Then he started redesigning the store to make it look like one built from the ground up. Not the original store it was that was bought out. It doesn't work, its a pain in the ass that confuses customers and hides the carts. ARG! But anyway there was lots of bullshit, and he told me that he's not the type of person that chews out his employees.

TAPE RECORDER TIME! Yes I'm a very paranoid psycho and I played the little speech he gave me when I was doing something I wasn't suppose to be doing. Which was holding a large package for a woman while she got a cart instead of saying hello to every idiot on a cell phone that comes through the doors. This is when the meeting turned a little bitter, but long story short I get to keep my job. The head cashier got demoted since I said I wanted her to suffer not get fired. Plus I got a full weekend off coming to me now! I never get weekends off. Oh and I have to start leaving my tape recorder at home. Hee hee.

I have good news, for a change! I GOT FIRED FROM MY JOB! Long story short I was asked by my head cashier to load a range, basically its a stove. A very heavy range onto a tall pickup truck bed. I told the head cashier I needed help. But being the uber bitch that she is she told me that I had to do it alone. Plus I had to do it fast and get back on the front line. She didn't want to look bad for the manager. I have a tape recorder and I was recording this just in case. So any way I'm outside in the snow and slush trying to load this thing. I have this woman bitching at me since she doesn't want it scratched. I'm grunting and trying to get this thing into her monster truck. Damn truck bed is nearly five feet off the ground and I'm trying to put this thing up. It starts to tip I try to keep it from falling backwards and instead it lands on its side. Plus it lands on my arm crushing it, I curse and try to push it up but my feet slip. I fall backwards onto my back, my arm is jerked out from under the box which falls with me.

Then the range falls onto my gut and my chest. This woman that I'm loading this range for asks me if I'm all right. Then she asks if its broken if she will get a new one. By this time some of my co workers who saw this come running out. I'm enraged by this point, I don't get angry I just go straight into blind, smash things, killing rage. I start screaming from between my teeth then I roll the stove off of myself. After I stand up I grab the damn thing, picked it up, and literally threw it into the back of her truck. By this point people are backing away since I put out a vibe when I'm angry. Of course my head cashier comes running out screaming at me. Bitch tells me that I should have waited to get help. That she told me I should have waited and that this was my own damn fault. I pulled out the tape recorder and played her telling me to do it myself for all those gathered.

She freaked out and started cursing me out, towards the end she told me I was fired. I threw my vest on the ground and just pointed a finger at her. I was too enraged to speak then I just walked off to the employee parking lot and drove home. I don't leave anything in my locker at work, too many thieves. But once I got home I found about five different messages on my answering machine from the manager. I'm suppose to go in tomorrow and have a talk with him. HA HA! Good news is I don't have any serious injuries, and I have leverage. HA HA! Now I just need to sort out my online life and things will be reasonably tolerable.

For the love of god and all that is holy will you idiots please leave me alone! This secret war you have been waging on me has gone on long freaking enough. Isn't it enough that you drove me off of Instant Messengers all together? Now you have to attack me in Notes and Private messages at the few forums I still frequent? Yeah thats right I brought this thing out into the open, will you all reveal yourselves? Huh?! Damn it I don't even know what the hell I did to you to piss you guys off so much! Just leave me alone thats all I want!

That is the first step to solving a problem, admitting you have one. I have psychological issues, I have come to realize that I have anger issues. Really bad ones, not just the usual snapping stuff and wrecking something. But more along the lines of scary rage the kind you get in people who like watching the life drain out of somebodies eyes. I killed two birds at work the other day. Damn sparrows live in the home improvement store I work in. They crap on everything and kill the plants by eating them. A sparrow had got caught in the mesh we put over the bird seed. I grabbed it and broke its neck. That is the usual treatment we give the captured, quick death.

Later on that day I caught a starling, bigger, noisier, and a hell of a lot messier. This one I caught near lumber, it hit the window but it was just stunned. A few other co workers saw me grab it, they told me to wash my hands after I snapped its neck. Filthy things that they are, this one screeched and pecked my hand hard. Got me on the fleshy part of my hand between the thumb and index finger. It was a jabbing peck that tore me open. I never knew the things had such sharp beaks. I started bleeding all over the floor, the others laughed. Then I crushed the bird. Literally I squeezed it until my fingers were almost touching. The bird popped at both ends I got its blood all over my hands. The laughter stopped, it got very quiet.

After dropping the bird I lifted my hand up right up to my face. Fingers slightly curled I sniffed my hand covered in the birds blood. Its about this time my coworkers came running up. One of them jerked my hand away from my face. They said it looked like I was about to lick my fingers. I said no, it smelled foul. I was repulsed by its smell, they told me I had this scary blank look on my face. That when I crushed the bird I was actually scary looking. There was an intensity to my face that scared them. Management was called in and I was sent home early.

It seems I have some things to resolve, I am going to start therapy soon. But only if I continue to have a job, things are kind of up in the air at the moment.

I really do, I just feel dead inside. Hell's bells I have felt like this for ages. But now its getting worse. I have been able to hide it mostly for some time, its one of the reasons I try to avoid making friends. My computer seems to be aiding me in keeping me off messengers. There people that care about me can speak with me. People that want to talk to me can speak with me. There is also those the want to RP with me, I seem to have lost the one bright spot of my life. I use to love RPing but something has happened. I just don't find the joy in it anymore. I have these crippling doubts about my abilities.

Its not like I have burned out, its just that I am feeling so highly inadequate in general. The numbness is getting so bad I can't seem to focus on anything. I am getting ready to apply at college, that is going well. I am cleaning my house more often. I am becoming a better human being. Yet it all feels so strange, I don't feel I deserve this happiness. Oh well such is life you know, you just have to move on. Or do something, I don't know anymore I'm just losing my mind here. I wish I had somebody I could physically lean on. But all I have is text flashing across a screen. Not that I don't appreciate it or care about those that care about me. It just has something lacking...

Well we just have some general updates for all of you people out there. I'll keep it short, but ummm more art is on the way! I have a new artist lined up that is taking commissions so I'm getting some from him. I am also getting some more art from my buddies Bludgeon and Average. I hope that things are getting better for those who I have seen have been having rough times.

I am happy to report that my Holidays were good for a change! I only had one bad incident to deal with. Usually its something horrible or a total lack of celebrations of holidays. But on to bigger and better things! I'm starting the process to get into college! So thats a big win for me! I've started the journey with my first step!

Yay, I've been sober for seven years now! Started drinking when I was 18 and stopped when I was 18. Mostly because of taking prescription pills and drinking. Any way long story short I was drinking and popping at a party. Then my heart stopped, well it slowed down alot. Then my friends drove me to the hospital, pushed me out in front of the emergency room.

Doctors came rushing out and threw me onto a gurney. They were checking me out and shouting its all a blur really. I just remember being cold and tired. So very tired, last thing I heard was 'Were losing him'. Then sweet sweet darkness, it was so good I didn't want to leave. I just remeber laying there not wanting to move in the darkness but Knotraptor was there. He told me to get up, I didn't want to get up I wanted to stay there forever. But he kept pestering me so I said I would. I tried but I couldn't get up, he helped me up. Time passed and the darkness remained for what felt like an eternity.

Then I woke up, I could still hear Knotraptor talking to me. Telling me to rest that he would take care of me until I was strong again. I heard the nurses talking about me, about how high my blood alcohol content was. They also were talking about how I was down for six minutes. That they needed to keep an eye on me. Funny thing is Knotraptor let me take the back seat and he operated my body. I just left the hospital, moving in a haze I was just another John Doe. Went home, slept for three days and slowly recovered. Sad thing is nobody noticed, friends never talked about it. After that I noticed a change in my personality. That is when Schwarzwald and Kendal came into the picture.

Knotraptor retired himself, but I still hear him offering advice. I know I am crazy, people say they are crazy but I really am. I am insane, but I function, barely.

Okay so enough of that fun stuff time to steal something from another journal. Its a variation of the truth or dare thing. Ask me three questions that pertain to my characters. Knotraptor, Schwarzwald, James, and Kendal. Any questions just ask and I'll answer.

By the gods I need some blasted anti depressants. Not the cheap wimpy stuff either I need the heavy duty stuff, I need to be numb. Well maybe not numb I just need something to help me regain focus. Life is so f*cked up right now, I almost killed Christmas for my father. The one family member that actually means anything to me and I almost killed the one holiday he cares about. He picks up on my moods and they help to shape his mood.

Unfortunately I am something of an extreme downer, people walk into a room and get depressed. I'm like E... oh by the gods how do you spell his name. The mopey blue mule on Winnie the Pooh. I'm like him only on steroids. If I could focus it into a beam and shoot it at people I would be like a super hero. The Depresser! He makes villians so depressed they arrest themselves, and sometimes execute themselves!

Yeah I'm crazy. But I'm also going to be taking a little break from the net. I am just going to be ummm poking around once in a while but not going to be too active.

All right people, might as well jump on the band wagon. Ask me three questions, anything you want. But fair warning I do not draw I pay other people to draw for me. So don't ask about me drawing for you. I am the kind of person who would charge you big bucks then send you a stick figure. Yes I'm heartless. I am The Heartless.