Im back home again, had complications but settled back in my bear cave. I hope youve ll been well and ill try get through mails, pms and things soon. -burrhugs-

Last night was one of many bad nights.. I regret journaling but.. I t was all i could do not to explode and rip my lines out.

I'm getting admitted this evening to hospital, preparing for surgery tomorrow. I'm having a bowel obstruction removal/stent. Hopefully it will go well, trying to be positive and calm. So i wont be around much online for the next few days while recovering. I'll try pop on and say hello. If you want to contact me, you can use my email address greymuzzleburr[at]yahoo.com or Note me here.

I'm just relaxing until around .. 5pm ish before i go so hopefully see some of you around..

Burr

Laying in bed and it's just horrendous this feeling of dread and worry. It's suffocating. I thought I was ok, laid in bed and tried to think of sleep but it's creeping and weighing down on me. Thoughts running and tumbling like a tsunami, the wave hitting hard and destroying me.

What will happen. Do I have everything sorted. What is something goes wrong. What if it doesn't work. What if I don't make it. I end up worse. The kids worry. They cry. I miss them. I miss the new grandkids be born. I'm too sick in recovery to meet them. I forget my puzzles. The food is strange. The clothes are comfy. The painkillers are managed. The nurse isn't friendly. The sheets
Be uncomfortable. I can't sleep. There isn't wifi. I can't use my mobile. I can't get nice food. I'm not allowed my lucky damn cap. My dog gets fed and walked. My garden gets covered in weeds. My clothes get creased. My razor is forgotten. Sally cries. She gets upset. She doesn't sleep. She stays and doesn't get rest. She doesn't eat. She doesn't cope. My son struggles. My daughters worry and get upset. I can't hold their hands. I can't hug my kids. I can't see those smiles. Hear laughter. What if. What if I die. What will they do. Will they be prepared. Have I got everything prepared. Is the will checked. Is the funeral directors sorted. Are my finances in order. What if I missed something. What if I never see my kids again. My grandkids. My nephews and neieces. My brothers. My sister. My family and friends. What if someone forgets to tell my online friends. Will they know. Will they realise. Will they worry. What if someone gets hurt. What if I hurt someone. My art gets lost. What will happen to it. My page. My online accounts. My emails my online life. Where will it go. What will become of it. Will it all be forgotten. Will it matter. What matters. I don't feel like I matter. I don't feel alive. I feel like a rotting corpse in utter misery. I just want to sleep. Not cry. This is too much

Its been a few days since i last wrote.. Mostly because i didn't want to share how bad I've been. I've struggled and its too much to talk about.

Trying to distract myself and keep motivated, lacking though, mostly to be social. I've been told not to push people away and hide but its hard not to do so. I hope everyone is well and I'm sorry for not being around so much over the past few days.

Got my commissioned art today, love it all, chuffed to bits with it. Been pretty good mood all day since recieving, lifted my spirits for sure. Even showed the kids hahaha, they thought it was a funny likeness.

Apart from that, its been an ok day.. Pain has been manageble although i've been rather groggy.. I hit the floor abit earlier and talked gibberish on Furnet chat.. I ended up just nodding off asking calling my friend a bad girl Hahaha

Pretty tired again now so going to bed soon. Got my eldest son over tomorrow, going out to see family, he called me to say he loved me and i rock tonight drunk as hell.. Hope that clown is able to drive tomorrow.. I will be checking hes not over the limit.

Taken from  ursusartist

1. You can ONLY answer Yes or No .

2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages/comments you and asks.

3. It is harder than it looks, but NO explanations !!! You will want to... but don't!!!

Kissed any one of your Facebook friends? No
Been arrested? No
Kissed someone you didn't like? Yes
Slept in until 5 PM? Yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Been suspended from school? No
Experienced love at first sight? Yes
Totaled your car in an accident? Yes
Been fired from a job? No
Fired somebody? No
Sang karaoke? Yes
Pointed a gun at someone? Yes
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Kissed in the rain? Yes
Had a close brush with death (your own) Yes
Seen someone die? Yes
Played spin-the-bottle? Yes
Sang in the shower? Yes
Smoked a cigar? Yes
Sat on a rooftop? Yes
Taken pictures of yourself naked? Yes
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? Yes
Skipped school? No
Eaten a bug? Yes
Sleepwalked? Yes
Walked a moonlit beach? Yes
Ridden a motorcycle? Yes
Dumped someone? Yes
Forgotten your anniversary? No
Lied to avoid a ticket? No
Ridden in a helicopter? Yes
Shaved your head? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? Yes
Played a prank on someone? Yes
Hit a home run? Yes
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Cross-dressed? No
Been falling-down drunk? Yes
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? Yes
Eaten snake? No
Marched/Protested? No
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? No
Puked on amusement ride? No
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? Yes
Been in a band? No
Knitted? No
Been on TV? Yes
Shot a gun? Yes
Skinny-dipped? Yes
Caused someone to need stitches? Yes
Ridden a surfboard? No
Drank straight from a liquor bottle? Yes
Had surgery? Yes
Streaked? Yes
Taken by ambulance to hospital? Yes
Passed out when not drinking? Yes
Peed on a bush? Yes
Donated Blood? Yes
Grabbed electric fence? Yes
Eaten alligator meat? No
Eaten cheesecake? Yes
Eaten kids' Halloween candy? Yes
Killed an animal when not hunting? Yes
Peed your pants in public? Yes
Written graffiti? No
Still love someone you shouldn't? Yes
Think about the future? Yes
Been in handcuffs? Yes
Believe in love? Yes
Sleep on a certain side of the bed? Yes

Are these questions dumb? No

Again.. Late.. Not by much though.

I'm excited, commission been paid and ok'd and now waiting! The rough looks amazing so i'm really looking forward to the final piece. Even got my flatcap thrown in -Grins-

I've just had a 6 hour nap! I didnt plan too atall, i fell asleep all a sudden i awake to darkness and sally asleep. Was rather confusing! Missed my med dose so its late but i'm too buzzed to care about the pain. Got a cuppa tea now so can settle and relax. I had 'therapy' today... Basically a lovely lady came and we talked for an hour (or 2) about the whole cancer situation and how i'm getting on. Was rather draining emotionally but i feel abit better for it, going to have regular visits.

My laptop is back! Hoorah! Feels much better using a large screen. My eyes were getting boggled.

Abit late... Only 1 hour of the day left!

Been a crazy horrible day.. I feel like it will never end.

Started ok but after breakfast during the nurse visit i had a panic attack while getting canulated. I do not like this new drug, i dont like how it makes me feel atall, frightening. Daughter gave me a bollocking, that i need to take it and what have you, so i did. Spent pretty much the whole day like a zombie, on off sleep, drowsy and nausious. I cant handle it so i've refused to take any more and i've been given iv morphine instead, i'm on 6 hourly, nurse will be back. I've been asked again if i want to be admitted and refused. I'll just end up in a fucking hospice doo lally on pain meds. no chance, staying in my house.

been drawing, just a doodle for a trade on the fa forums, was nice to finally draw as i've not for a while. No inspiration or drive. Going to try make it digital but i'm not sure how i'll manage. Best foot forward though. (How very mary poppins). I've got a home visit tomorrow morning with a lady from Macmillan, kind of therapy i think, not sure how it will go or what to expect.. I'm hoping she likes cake... I've got so much cake from friends and family its getting out of hand!

Having a rough day today, spent all night and morning struggling to settle, my painkillers are not cutting it at all. I took another oramorph top up, more than i prescribed, and it got rid of the pain but made me unwell. Nauseous, drowsy, dizzy, confusion.. Cant take anything now until nurses visit and i get my MST And shots tonight. I've called for a home visit by dr to get better pain control but he cant come until 3:30pm and its 1:20pm now. Frustrating, the only thing i can do is call an ambulance and be admitted but Fuck That. Dont want anyone touching me.

I got my twitter account back up, greymuzzleburr thanks to a stud burr and actually managed to talk about what was going on within the FA forums, twitter post got sort of sidelined with friends wanting to ask how an appointment went and .. I just explained it all, the cancer stage and timeline, what i'm dealing with. Its strange, it felt great to let go and just say it, hold so much in to stop worrying and upsetting others.. But it felt good, a relief, i cried like an idiot though. strange to think i wont be here forever but almost as strange is i feel i've already been here forever.

Hopefully today will pick up

Ok, so i've been advised to create a journal to help give me focus and vent, express etc so i'm starting today. I dont know how long i will keep this up but i'll go for it.

Last night with help from one of my daughters i created a Twitter account, since i thought i could use it for journalling, keep up with news and friends here..... It was going well, i got friends and figured it all out.. HOWEVER..

I didnt realise that my twitter account would then be shown in my Kids feeds to follow. Now all 7 of my kids, thier partners and my siblings know of it and have been smothering me in ridicule on whatsapp family group chat. So many jokes, gags and puns later and its not dying down.

Therefore, twitter is now cancelled and my social life is back to its dusty self.

Aside from that, i've had an uneventful morning so far although i did wake in pain. I dont think my MST is cutting it atall, had to take oramorph top up and i dont usually until lunchtime when nurses visit.

Going out to my eldest sons later for sunday lunch and to see my youngest granddaughter, shes beautiful as ever.

I'll add later maybe, feel free to comment if you like.

Burr

Just found my way to Twitter if anyone wants to find me there, Kodiak_KodaBear

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89siEDUHBAo

My life.....

Haha