https://picarto.tv/ksharra

Just for a lil bit

Drawing again.

https://picarto.tv/ksharra

Not for long, but drop on by if you see this.

I'm bored.

https://picarto.tv/ksharra

Hi! I figured I'd check in and let you peeps know I'm still alive and all. Maybe answer a few FAQs while I'm at it. Like...

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Hey K'sharra, are you ever gonna start drawing again?

Probably not. At least, not furry stuff. It was fun and all, but I don't really get any enjoyment out of it anymore. I've found other means of personal expression and creative outlets that are less frustrating and more fulfilling to me.

I was never happy with how my drawings came out, I never felt really fulfilled as a furry artist. I always felt my work was substandard, especially as the fandom became inundated with waves of younger, more talented, more enterprising artists with more time on their hands to practice and more patience to keep the art flowing. There's not really any place for me anymore.

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Oh come on, you've had slumps before, you'll be back.

I don't know. I keep coming back to the site to look at art and see if maybe I can be inspired again. It used to be that looking through other artists' work would inspire me to do my own stuff, but... I don't feel that anymore. And I don't really want to, you know? The outside pressure of people wanting me to draw things for them. The internal pressure of never living up to my own high standards and never being able to adequately express myself on the page. It's not worth it to me. I'm a sad, broken has-been that just wants to stop trying and making myself miserable, and just go do something else.

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So if you're not drawing, what ARE you doing?

Well, for one, I have a YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/RandomKittenGaming - For some reason, over a thousand people like watching me play video games. I don't get it either, but feel free to give it a watch and see if it's amusing.

I also fiddle around with making jewelry. I have several Viking knit bracelets up on my Etsy shop at https://www.etsy.com/shop/LARPkittenDesigns and I'm looking at experimenting with Tagua nut pendants here soon, much like the ones  foxfeather does, but somewhat different.

I've also been knitting and crocheting. I have my own Doctor Who scarf that I made myself, and I'm halfway through a Yoda amigurumi for a friend. I do leatherwork; I made a great medieval belt pouch with ivy leaves carved on it for wearing to Renaissance faires. I've got my sumi e ink paintings, which I've posted a couple in my gallery here so you can see some examples.

I have no shortage of things to fill my time. In fact, quite the opposite: I have too many things to do and not enough time to do all the things I enjoy!

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Do you still go to furry cons?

That's... kind of up in the air right now, really. For one, I'm too fat to comfortably fit in most airplane seats now. (I'm talking to my doctor about the whole weight gain thing - I've gained 100 lbs in the past 3 years, and that's a bit excessive.) For two, now that I no longer draw, I don't know what to do with myself at cons. I'm not much of a dancer anymore, nor much of a shopper or art collector, I don't fursuit, none of the panels ever interest me, so I wind up usually just aimlessly wandering the Dealer's Den over and over again talking to artists that I like and/or look up to. That's not really worth the hundreds of dollars for attendance, transport, food, and hotel room.

I used to go to Rainfurrest because it was local and a lot of local friends went, but thanks to the combination of a terrible overhaul in how the Dealer's Den tables were managed, driving away several of my friends because they could no longer afford to attend because they couldn't get a table, and a bunch of drunken irresponsible brainless sots wrecking the hotel and forcing a change in venue that's a few hours' drive away over the mountain passes instead of conveniently close to home, I probably won't go to that one now either.

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Can I message you for a conversation?

No, I'm pretty anti-social nowadays. Well, not anti-social. In fact, I'm a little TOO social, because I'm a huge introvert that loves quiet moments at home, but I still manage to have two tabletop gaming nights a week, a girls' night where we go out to the bar and play pool, weekend gaming nights that I often don't attend because I need some downtime... I don't have much time or energy left for chatting. I don't even have much interesting to say. I have a pretty dull life right now.

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So hopefully that's answered some of the questions I get every now and again. I'm sorry I don't have news about upcoming art or anything exciting for you guys like that. Thanks for dropping in, feel free to fave any of my art, I'm not about to take it down any time soon. Have a nice day.

I just want to make something clear:

K'sharra is me.
Keryn is me.

I don't like people on the internet using pics of me and saying (or implying) that it's them.

I'm not real particular on people sharing my art. My stuff is all over e621 and tumblr and other sites, and it doesn't bother me one bit. And it's nice that people like my art and identify with the character. But I've had this character for over 15 years now, going on 16, and that's NOT including the time before I discovered furry art when I was using the character for Live-action roleplay in NERO. She has only changed ONCE in that entire time, and that was her hairstyle, which changed from the first to the 2nd pictures I drew of her, and has remained the same since.

So I'm a little attached.

Keryn, on the other hand, was created 8 years ago when I decided that I needed a character that was a little closer to the "real" me. K'sharra is physically my 18-year-old self, with all the sex drive to match. Keryn is a more modern, post-marriage me: a little chubby, a little more reserved, a little pickier about partners.

Both of these characters have a lot of personal meaning, and they're both pretty unique and iconic in their own subtle ways, and I'd like to keep them so. If you use my art as your profile images and I stumble across it, I WILL request the art be taken down, either by you or by a site admin. I've done it before, more times than I care to admit. I don't like to be mean, but this is important to me.

As for the rest of my art, I could give a flying flip if you use it as your profile image (though if you use a commissioned piece, you might have some contention with the actual character's owner).

Just, please, don't impersonate me.

1. For every YouTube link posted in chat, take a drink.
2. Every time someone joins and then immediately leaves chat, take a drink.
3. Every time someone asks what species/character is being drawn, take a drink.
4. Every time someone totally changes the subject to compliment the pic, take a drink.
5. Every time the artist adds a glossy highlight to a nipple, take a drink.
6. Every time the artist zooms in on genitals, take a drink.
7. Every time someone asks if the artist is taking commissions, take a drink.
8. Every time someone asks if something is allowed that is posted as allowed/not allowed in the livestream rules already, take a drink.
9. Every time someone requests a species that just HAPPENS to be the same as their character, take a drink.
10. Every time someone complains about not having enough money for art, take a drink.
11. Every time someone flirts with the artist, take a drink. If the artist flirts back, take another.
12. Every time the artist stops drawing so they can dance to the music, take a drink.
13. Every time a viewer claims to be dancing along with the music, take a drink. Take an extra drink if nudity is mentioned.
14. Every time the artist draws a silly doodle over a serious piece, take a drink. Finish your drink if it's dirty.

NOTE: It's a lot more fun and easy to play if people don't know you're playing it. XD

Go ahead, ask me anything. Might take me a little time to respond, since I'm heading to work shortly, but why not.

There's this weird new trend that I don't get with some artists on Weasyl and FA. It's not just one person (so if it's you, I'm not just picking on you), it's a trend. I don't get it.

People I watch have been either posting "Exclusive to Weasyl" preview pics on FA, or posting to Weasyl first and then deliberately waiting a day (or more) to post to FA.

Please note, artists who do this: the below statements are my personal opinion. They may not be indicative of your reasons for doing it, but this is what this watcher thinks when you do.

First impression: God, that's a waste of time.
You're either dedicating extra time to having to make a special image just to taunt your FA watchers with the fact that they can't see your artwork unless they accede to your personal choice in gallery preferences DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU'RE STILL ON FA, or you're having to remember to go back the next day to post artwork when it would be more easy and time-efficient to post it all at once, since the only people who are really going to notice and care are the rabid fans who absolutely MUST be the first to post a comment.

Second impression: Wow, that's a dick move.
So instead of just leaving FA for whatever personal reasons you chose to do so, you're staying on to try and forcibly convert everyone else to move over by taunting them. Instead of standing up for your own personal feelings on which gallery you choose to use by simply moving over, you're attempting to push your personal feelings and choices onto others. If you don't like FA, go to Weasyl. Stop posting to FA. It's that simple. Just tell people you're moving and move, instead of coming back and basically saying "Nyah nyah, look at what you're missing, don't you wish you had this, gosh, you should really have followed me to Weasyl, sucks to be youuuu!"

All that said... if I'm watching you, I like your art. That's why I watch people. Despite my personal annoyance at what I see as petty behavior, I will still TRY to watch your art. But not everyone is as patiently tolerant as me.

Good luck.

For those who watch me, I post to both sites. As simultaneously as possible. Watch me here, watch me there, won't matter. Except on Weasyl you'll be getting a pretty banner, as soon as I can make one. Woo. Oh and I'm gonna post the banner here as art. XD

Furry Drama strikes again. Every day I'm seeing journals talking about people leaving FA and giving links to their Weasyl accounts.

If you didn't already know, yes, I have one.

https://www.weasyl.com/~ksharra

No, I'm not leaving FA because of drama.

Supposedly there's some tool that allows you to export your favorites list onto Weasyl, I saw it somewhere, if you know where it is, please link it, because at this rate I might actually have to start maintaining my Weasyl account.

That is all.

Do yourself a favor.

Google "badger bat".

Soooooooooooooooooo adorable.



...oh and if you see an adoptable for one of these, don't buy it, you can't copyright the markings of an entire species. XD

It's a new year.

Soooo, first off, kicking depression in the ass. I'm doing my best to shuffle it off, work through it, smile anyways, and fake it til you make it. I may not be the happiest person on earth, but I'm not gonna let biochemical fubar drag me and the rest of you down.

That said, arts. I has not made much. Not out of a lack of willingness, mind you. I was thinking about drawing the other day, in fact. But I'm sick. Have had a nasty cold for all of this week, and trying REALLY hard to recuperate. Oh and I was out of state for a while visiting parents, which turned out to be a slightly longer trip than planned thanks to the Great Chicago Freeze. Fun fun.

Probably not going to be drawing much any time soon, since I've decided that, for the new year, my apartment needs a full-on overhaul. It's too freakin' small for all my stuff, and the layout is horrible, and I can think of a few ways to improve it, all of which involve mass furniture moving and storage acquisition and huffing and puffing and cleaning too. I will be busy. I'm also way behind on a coding project, and going to be spending some time with  creedofheresy, so time is NOT on my side.

I do, however, need to test out my new internets. I was piggybacking off of my neighbors' wifi connection (with permission and compensation!) but they moved. So now I have my own little Internet setup, which is hopefully good nuff for streaming. I think it will be. 50Mb/s down and 6Mb/s up, speedtested.

Sooo.... yeah, that's my new year starting out. Woooo!

Just a heads up... There's going to be a lot of seemingly self-entitled whining in this post, if you're not familiar with depression. First-world problems and all that. If you don't want to read about me being emo, go look at mah porn and enjoy your holidays.
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So I haven't had the greatest holidays.

Don't get me wrong. I got a couple of really great gifts, and I'm told there's more on the way. I had the day mostly off from work, and had dinner with friends, and played Apples to Apples and hung out. The people who got gifts from me, I'm pretty sure they loved them. I baked a pie and made rum balls.

But that's pretty much all superficial.

I have been, for the past several weeks now, seriously depressed. Crying every time I'm alone and free to do so unobserved. And sometimes, I haven't even been able to hold it back in public. I'm tired. It's been a struggle to just make it through the days. I'm barely taking care of myself and my cats. I've gained 30 lbs over the past couple of months. My apartment is a wreck and growing less habitable by the day. I drink myself into stupidity almost every night because I just want to escape and there's no way out.

I'm in a cage of my own creation. I loved Seattle. I loved living there, I loved my job there, I loved all the friends I made and the community and the places and events and my roommates and just about everything about the place. But two years ago, I moved to Chicago because I had an improperly diagnosed condition that was putting me in pain all the time, where I was missing work, couldn't hang out with friends, was constantly on pain medications, and my choices were to apply for disability or flee the state in hopes of a cure somewhere else. I came here and within days I was cured. But in the process I left behind everything I cared about.

I live in a tiny one-bedroom condo by myself. It's overcrowded because it's too tiny for all my stuff, there's no dishwasher and the kitchen is barely big enough to make a meal, I don't have any climate control other than cracking a window, and I'm alone. So very, very alone. I've never felt so isolated and lonely before in my life. But I can't leave.

I can't move to a bigger place. I can't rent a larger unit in this building, because I'd be paying at least 3 times as much as I currently am for any place that's bigger than mine. I'm trying to pay off my debt and save up, and my current place is rented to me by a "friend" for a steep discount which is allowing me to afford to do so. I can't move to a cheaper building, because all my local friends live in this building and all the nearby buildings are just as expensive. I rarely get to see my friends because my work/sleep schedule is opposite theirs, but if I moved out of this complex I'd see them even less, if ever. And I can't leave the city, because I've got a job that's training me in all of these things that I need to really have a career instead of bouncing from one bad customer service job to another. This godforsaken city, rife with insane homeless people, murders, crime, and overcrowding. I fucking HATE Chicago. I want out so bad and I can't leave because I'm just trying to make a good future for myself...

And I'm so lonely. All the streaming, all the IMs, all the internet relationships and friendships and Skype calls feel like just a distraction from the fact that I'm sitting in this tiny box all by myself, in a vast city of strangers, no one to talk to, no one to come home to, no one to just be there. It's just me, reaching out over an Internet connection trying and failing to feel like there's anything that matters and anyone that cares. It's just words on a box and in the end I'm still crying into my pillow in a cold bed with nothing but cats to snuggle up to.

I know it's just a phase. I know the depression comes and goes, and it'll go and I'll be okay again, someday. I don't know when; it just does. I don't want to take medications, because 2/3 of the shit they experimented on me with when they were trying to fix my pain issues in Seattle were antidepressants, and they either turn you into someone you're not, or a zombie, or they just plain take away your will to live. I'm just surviving one day at a time, waiting for it to pass, and it's so damn hard. And I feel like I have no one to lean on.

I'm not looking for pity, or sympathy, or support. It's just more words on a box. I just... it seems like everyone who commits suicide just keeps it in until the end, and everyone says "We never knew, if only he/she had said something, they seemed so happy/normal." I know how dangerous it is to keep it all in. I've survived this long and I intend to keep doing so. It's just hard, you know? I don't want to be the one who goes quietly in the end, where no one knows I'm gone until one of my coworkers drops by to ask why I missed my shift. I just... I just want to be happy again.

I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

Hi honey, I'm hoooooome!

This was a great con. I did not work the entire time, for once. Rare thing for me. Cons are usually a time for worky work work, but this time I got to actually kick back and enjoy myself. Totally worth it.

Thursday started out with driving down to the train station with Sumi and Nereza to pick up Makaze, and then heading off to Costco to pick up room supplies. After getting registered and stocking the room, that was pretty much it and I got to head back home to bed.

Friday, I went down to the opening of Artist Alley and Dealer's Den. I was gonna wait in line for the DD, but I got bored and wound up hanging out in the Artist Alley line with the cool artists instead. I got to meet Lyenuv in person, whom I hadn't seen in years, and I met Nutcase, and chitchatted with Skech and Fluffkevlar and several others. After schmoozing with the dealers and artists, we had a fiasco with trying to get lunch and walked a super-long way to a Mexican place with great food and lousy service, and I got to watch 2 and Kage by my lonesome. The whole day was a fun blur that ended in watching bad sci-fi movies and playing Cards Against Humanity and getting drunk in my friends' suite, then crashing with Fluff and co.

I had made arrangements with a friend to share a room at the overflow hotel, the Westin, but instead wound up spending all my time between my friends' suite with Luca, Daigo, Gravewalker, Ryoku, and a number of other people (god, there were so many people going in and out of that room!) and the room of Skech, Fluffkevlar, GunMouth and Mav, all of whom are awesome. (I hate not being able to just wake up and go right into the con.)

Saturday was more hanging out, schmoozing and meeting artists and dealers, and I got a sketch from dear Lyenuv. I kept trying to get a badge from ChibiMarrow, but she was never at her dealer's table the whole day long, so I said fukkit and drew a badge for myself instead (which I will post once I get it all cut out and stuff). I got to meet the lovely Shinigami Girl, and I had dinner with Mwalimu, and then I went back to Fluff and Skech's room with Cebelius and Wyla and had an amazing drunken art jam where I was officially 15 sheets to the wind (I was so drunk I couldn't remember what number of sheets there were supposed to be). While I was smashed, I got a fantastic piece by Wyla in my new sketchbook, finished my badge and did a piece for her, and had some deep heart- and soul-wrenching conversation with them all about love and relationships and hope (and the lack thereof).

Sunday was pretty rough. I wasn't hungover, but there was definitely some emotional "hangover" from the conversation the previous night, so I was pretty subdued. Even so, I found this wonderful artist in the alley (RougeCat) who SEVERELY underprices her work and got an adorable ferret sketch from her. Hanging out in the suite later, I got a sketch from Strype, who was a lot of fun to hang out with, and one from Skech, and I did a badge for Ryoku (who does the BEST dirty King Candy impression), and got trades with Gravey and Cooper. I got so much awesome art this convention, normally I don't have much time to trade or much money to buy art.

It was a lot of fun, and I'm so glad I got to see everyone there! Special thanks to the ones who made the con really special, you know who you are and why. I'm definitely a huge fan of MFF as a whole, and if you didn't make it this year, I hope to see you at the next!

Okay so.

MFF, OMG. What the fu.., where did K'sharra go?!

I will NOT have a dealer's table! I will NOT be in the artist's alley! I would still like to see all you guys, but I have no effin clue what my plans are or where I'm gonna be at any given time...

I WILL be wearing my signature brown hat that everyone seems to know (as seen in http://www.furaffinity.net/view/122505/ and http://www.furaffinity.net/view/761606/) and I do have long red hair, and there's a totally outdated pic of me here but if you go to my streams I occasionally webcam so you can see what I currently look like...

Long story short, if you see me, feel free to say hi! I don't know what's going to happen, if I'll be busy or have tons of spare time on my hands or what, but I'm finally getting to go to MFF as a relaxicon and I'll be trying to be out and about to finally be able to meet and hang out with people! Wooooo!

Ramble.

Hey guys,

Just wanted to let you know, I've uploaded my more recent pictures to Rabbit Valley here:

http://www.rabbitvalley.com/departm.....779_0_1_1.html

So now you can get high-quality prints up to 24" x 36" (that's a whole 2 feet by 3 feet!) poster size of my latest and, if I do say so myself, much improved artwork. That includes the Tournee de la Chatte Nue, Tawni, the red panda, dancing fox, my character pole dancing and getting pegged on the couch, and... Hashi eating sushi. You know you want it...

I'm much happier with my new stuff, by the way. I don't know why, but when I take a break from art for a while, I come back with a massive improvement. It's like I get stuck in a rut and slowly degrade, but when I come back with fresh eyes and unlearn everything, I get better automagically... I don't get it either.

But anyways.

BUY ART!

http://www.rabbitvalley.com/departm.....779_0_1_1.html
http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1049118.html
http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1048943.html

So my current YCH auction is very much for the boys... But I have a great idea for a Halloween picture that requires a girl, and I've already drawn a black cat this season, so I figure I'll auction off the spot!

I haven't sketched it yet, will likely be working on that tonight. After the sketch is done, it's going to go up on a quick 3-day auction, because I'd like to be able to finish it before Halloween. So I'm just giving people a heads up to watch out for it, because I know how it feels to look forward to getting some art and them BAM! it's over before I even had the chance to look. *pout* But anyways.

Keep watching! And likely expect a stream tonight around midnight CST!

Alright! My super-awesome Halloween playlist is all set up, my Tigerdile account is all paid up 'til the end of the month, my Open Broadcaster is updated, and I'm planning to do some Halloween streaming!

Lately I've been kinda doodling on and off randomly whenever I feel like it, and I've got that one hawt sexy pic from last night to finish up, then the Furbuy Auction to complete after that, but after that, everything's going to be coming up Halloweeny! We'll see if I can't churn out something sexy for this year's spoooooooooky season...

I typically stream starting around midnight CST (since that's when I get home from work), so please follow me on Twitter (ksharracat) or subscribe to my Tigerdile stream for email updates when I start streaming!

http://www.tigerdile.com/stream/ksharra/

See you there!

(No, I'm not streaming right now. Waaaaait for it...)

Hi guys. A friend of mine, Kacey, is having some issues with email harassment. See http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5104476/ for more details.

I got one of the emails from this weirdo, and first glance will tell you: this is not from either her or Noriko. Obviously. I've met both of them several times at conventions, and they're both quiet, sweet, and polite to a fault. I've even been at odds with Noriko over some BS Jurann caused way back when years ago (which is sadly still the biggest feature on my Wikifur page, lol), and even then Noriko was calm and polite. This email was hateful, brutal, and graphic.

I traced the email back to a Russian-hosted hacker site with a fill-in-the-blanks form specifically designed for sending out spam. Why there is a website for this, I don't know, except that it just serves to make life worse for everyone and encourage the dregs of humanity to bubble up to the surface.

I just have to know, what kind of severe mental condition does someone need to have to do this sort of thing? It's clear that whoever is doing this isn't smart, they're just mentally unstable, immature, and pathetic, to use some very mild and inadequate descriptors for it. They're not even clever, they just found a DIY form on the Internet to do all the 'hard' work for them. This is the eye-rolling "l33t haxx0r" posturing of a 13-year-old posting obscene content to the Facebook account of someone who forgot to log off the library computer.

In any case, 2 things:

1. Kacey and Noriko are nice people, and if you get any emails or see any posts claiming to be them, please help them in any way.
2. Heaven forbid this canvas-jacketed basement-dweller go after other people, but please keep in mind a general rule: if you get something suspicious or inflammatory from someone you don't know, don't react or tell your friends, just go to the source first and ASK. There are idiots on the Internet that do this for fun, and sadly we haven't enacted culling laws for them yet.

I firmly believe I'm caught in a perpetual love-hate cycle with art. It's like... how to describe it...

...it's like that one ex who you just can't get over, even though you know he's bad for you, and you keep going back to sleeping with him even after you've broken up for the fifth time despite your friends saying what a cute couple you always were.

---

I love art. I love beautiful things. I love making beautiful things, and the creative spark, and that feeling you get when the lines align just right and the colors are perfect and it just flows from your fingertips in an ecstatic blur of creative frenzy. That moment of perfection when the soul sings to the paper and the perfect harmony brings out something that fills the heart with life and accomplishment. So I do art.

Except when I actually get into doing art, I'm miserable. Nothing comes out right, I can't get any good ideas, and the few times I have a real vision of what I want to put on paper, it comes out nothing like the picture in my head. That perfect moment of creation is just out of reach, coming in elusive spurts that stop as suddenly as they start. Knowing that it's there, having felt it ever so briefly and being completely unable to achieve it again is like torture. Eventually, it tears me down and the pain isn't worth the promise, and I swear off art forever.

But somewhere deep inside, I never fell out of love with doing art.

This results in one of two scenarios: one, I fly into a frantic rebound of creation in other ways, obsessively cycling through meaningless crafts to try and fill the hole that's left in my creative life. Two, I withdraw completely and try to do nothing more than forget about art entirely and convince myself that I don't need it anymore, and I'm better off alone.

Eventually I get back to feeling better about myself, and I think it's safe to just go look at other people's art. It can't hurt to just look. It's not like I'm going to do anything. I'm just looking at nice things, that's all. And that's how it gets me. I look at beautiful things, and slowly the memory of that perfect creative moment comes seeping back in. I get this dull aching longing. I know better than to listen to it, really I do. But I just can't help myself from looking and feeling.

As time goes by, those defensive walls I've put up against the heartbreak of failing at art start to crumble. I look at a beautiful piece and start to think dangerous thoughts like "I wish I could do linework like that." I watch LiveStreams and think "So that's how they do it..." And before you know it, I'm drunk with Wacom in hand and LiveStream rolling, doing exactly what I promised I'd never do again. Cue the self-loathing and shame.

I'm not back to doing art, I swore off it for good. But... it felt so good to connect. Maybe if I just don't take commissions. Maybe if I take it slow, learn from my mistakes, maybe this time it'll be better. Anyone who's ever gone back to an ex knows exactly how desperate this inner dialogue really sounds, and how deceptive it is, but the heart really honestly WANTS to believe that it can work. The past gets glazed over with a nostalgia-hued patina, all the shining happy moments polished and gleaming promisingly, while the misery and anger and frustration fades into the background.

---

I'm at the drunken, regretful stage. The stage where I know it's wrong to try, but there's that dull ache that keeps calling me, even though I know I'm going to hate myself for answering it. That weary stage, the one that knows it's never going to work, and this is all just a self-destructive cycle of chasing a dream that's never going to be real, but can't help reaching for that pen anyways in brief moments of weakness.

...Is there an artist's rehab?

So in the days leading up to Fur the More, I've been introduced to a few new people that I may be meeting at the con, and I've learned that there's apparently some major misconceptions of me. Apparently, despite me giving up pursuing being a furry artist, most of my social life still does and likely will heavily involve the furry fandom. And I've apparently done or said some things that turn people off from wanting to get to know me.

It hurts. A lot.

I know I'm not that great with communication, but I want to at least try to fix it.

---

1. I'm not antisocial. I'm just not social online.


I know, I put up that warning on my page saying "No idle chit-chat". Well, I've taken that down exactly because of these real-life incidences. The reason I put that up is because, with me basically quitting art, I don't visit FA. I don't read my Notes. I don't get on IM very often, never have. I don't chat much. I spend a lot of time off the internet, and I don't really do idle chit-chat online.

That, and I don't want to hear comments that I'm sure are meant to be encouraging but that make me feel bad for not drawing. I feel bad enough about it already.

But I like meeting new people, and hanging out, and talking. I like meeting friends of friends and socializing and having interesting conversations. Just... not over Notes, and not over AIM or Yahoo or MSN.



2. I'm not dangerously possessive. It's a joke.


I'm not going to maul anyone who talks to a person I'm interested in. I have no interest in scaring away female friends, and I'm not going to rip anyone's jugular out if they give him a hug. I consider that sort of behavior obsessive and abusive, and I've been on the receiving end. I don't do that to people. Anyone I care about is free to have whatever friends they want, because I trust them to have good judgement.

I'm actually really laid back. I don't care if eyes wander to another girl (in fact, usually I'm appreciative of a good female figure myself). I don't care about hugs, snugs, and shoulder leanings. I do those myself, with absolutely no sexual intent. And the way I figure, if someone's making unwelcome sexual advances and my partner isn't protesting it, then it's my partner I need to talk to.



3. I don't think I'm better than anyone else. Quite the opposite, really.


Unfortunately, people tend to jump to conclusions when I have anything to say about "fans", "fan mail", "watchers", etc. It seems like just acknowledging the fact that my art has become popular and people communicate that they like it (and the fact that some of those communications have been overly familiar in an off-putting way, which I've had to deal with before and I'm not the only one - http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2651246/) makes me a stuck up diva. I don't understand.

I have over 7000 watchers. This is a fact. You can scroll down on my front page and see it for yourself, I'm not lying and I'm not bragging. It just is. I don't understand why it is, except that I've been doing this for over 14 years and I must be doing something right.

But I don't like my own art. I think my understanding of form and lighting sucks, I struggle with the concept of composition and color theory, and I feel like my poses are lifeless and wooden. I don't think I'm a great artist at all. And as far as being a "popufur", I'm not that either. I don't have very many friends, most of the conventions I've been to I've had very little socialization, I've been either stuck with my nose in sketchbooks or sitting alone wondering how people get invited to these dinners and parties everyone else seems to get to go to. But I try to be friendly and I try to be social. I'm just not very good at it.

I actually have fairly low self-esteem, and no, I'm not looking for help boosting it. I just want people to like being around me. And not because I'm an artist, but because they like me.

---

In short, I'm friendly but a bit socially awkward, and I just want people to like me for who I am. Please don't get the wrong impression. I have few enough friends as it is, I don't want to scare off potential new ones.

Okay, so I said MFF was my last con. I LIED.

I'm going to be in Baltimore for Fur the 'More, a new first year furry con.

More info here: http://www.furthemore.org/

Also:  furthemore

It's gonna be small, and I'm mostly going to see friends, but I'll be there nonetheless.

Okay, so now that I have your attention...

You know me. You know I'm not a screaming drama whore, and I don't hate you. In fact, as far as fans go, you guys have been amazing, supportive, friendly, and dare I say it, some of the best fans an artist could have. Hugs all around, I love you guys.

But something about being a well-known furry artist... I don't want that pressure anymore. Those of you who've been long-time fans, you know the drill: I draw prolifically (or at least reasonably frequently) for a brief while, then I start taking commissions, and then I disappear for anywhere from a few months to a year or two. Do you know why? I think I do.

It's the pressure. I don't do this for fun. I don't draw furries as a hobby, or as a job on the side. I do it as a form of release. But being well-known, I get a lot of pressure. A lot of people asking for trades, for commissions, badges, icons, character sheets, tips, critiques, convention schedules... And that's cool, that means you guys like my stuff. I'm flattered, I really am. But at the same time, I hate drawing for other people. It's like... using a knife as a screwdriver. It works for a while, but eventually you're gonna ruin the knife because that's not what it's for. Same here. I'm ruining my creativity and passion by using it to please others and to make money, instead of using it for its original purpose: as a means of personal expression.

But I can't seem to say no. Oh sure, I stop taking commissions for a while, and I tell people never again. But people keep asking, and people keep begging, and telling me how long they've been waiting, and how much money they'd be willing to throw at me, and how long they've admired my work, and eventually I start thinking "Maybe I can do just a few." Or "Maybe I can take just one, on auction." Or "Maybe if I just organize things better, and only take them when I feel like it, I can handle it." Or "Gosh, I'm broke/have a lot of free time/haven't had any good ideas lately/etc., maybe I can take some commissions!" And every time, that edge, that desire, that drive gets lost.

And I'm talking, when that happens, I'm repulsed by art. And I mean want-to-vomit-when-I-see-a-Wacom, rather-go-vegetarian-and-babysit-squalling-children, extreme-apathy-bordering-on-or-crossing-into-depression-just-thinking-about-drawing repulsion. THAT BAD. And occasionally, I'll get a little bit of an urge to draw something, and I'll chase it down, thinking that might be my opening to get back into drawing so I can just finish the work I've already been paid for... But no, I still hate it, and even worse, I hate the picture I've drawn to try and get back into it.

I still want to draw. I still have a painting I've been wanting to actually put a paintbrush to. I have sketches of my little dragon, Hashi, that I want to maybe do up in watercolor. I want to learn sumi-e.

But I just don't want to be a furry artist anymore.

Just to simplify and avoid some questions, I'm gonna make an FAQ:

Does this mean you're never going to draw furries again?
No. I still associate myself with my character, and it's fun having a cartoon persona you can pour your emotions into. I still have a couple pieces I'd like to see finished, eventually. I'm not going to take commissions, or trades, or draw anything I don't feel utterly inspired to draw, though. I'm tired of burning myself out like this, and I just can't keep it up anymore. I've tried everything, and I just can't do it.

Are you going to take down your gallery?
I've always sworn I'd never take down my artwork, and that still holds true. For good or ill, my name is irreparably associated with this character, and my art is scattered across the web.

Will you post the furry stuff you finish on here?
Sure. But I'm going to be posting a lot less frequently (yeah, that coming from someone who posts as rarely as I do in the first place). I'm probably going to take a break from art for a while to recover, and then when I do draw, there's no guarantee it'll be furry, so what I draw may not fit here.

What about conventions?
I still have a Dealer's Table at MFF this year that I fully intend to follow through on. But that's probably going to be the last time I run a dealer's table. In fact, the pressure at conventions is just as bad as on the Internet, if not worse... I dunno. Probably not. Conventions as a form of vacation, for me at least, are overrated and expensive. Most times, the only reason I CAN go to a con is either because someone else sponsored me, or I make enough at the table to cover it.

What about my commission slot?
I'm going to be refunding commissions and closing down my commissions request page. Most of the people on the list haven't even sent me any money. I'm sorry, I tried, I though maybe I could do it, but a knife just can't be a screwdriver. I hate disappointing people, but that's what got me into this mess in the first place.

What if we promise never ever to ask for any more art ever again?
That doesn't work. No matter how much you guys respect my decision, no matter how many times I post on my wall that I don't take commissions, no matter what precautions I take, some newbie off the Intarwebz will come across my stuff, look at the pretty pictures, ignore all the blaring warnings, and ask me if I do commissions/trades/giftarts/character sheets.

Will you be selling any more art?
Sure. I'm not going to take down my RabbitValley account, and in fact once I have some free time, I'll probably add some more stuff there. And if I do anything print-worthy in the future, I'll put that up too. Not to mention, if I DO finish any pieces in a physical medium, well, I don't collect my own art, so I'll probably auction it off or something. If I do, I'll post about it here.

But what if we pressure you again? I bet we can guilt you into coming back...
You have not seen the level of bitch I can become. I like being nice and making people happy, but for the sake of my own well-being, I will not be lenient if people try to push me back into the furry scene. If I do it, I do it because I want to, and not for anyone else, and that's the way it will always be. If I feel pressured, it will have the opposite effect: I will become more reclusive and hostile. The end. It's not something I want to do, but it's more likely that people will stop pressuring me if I stop being nice in response.

Oh damn. But... I thought we were friends?
If you're a friend of mine (and you know who you are), you're still my friend. I don't mind hearing from you, and I don't mind you asking about my progress with recovery (because really that's what this is: intensive care for a mortally wounded inspiration), but no pushing or persuading, please. I feel guilty enough doing this as it is. I'm literally crying at this moment.

Sorry, I know, I was told I was going to be dragged to AC this year kicking and screaming if necessary... but no amount of willpower can overcome the fact that I am currently working in a temp-to-hire position, which means I get NO days off, period. So if I go to AC, I would get fired. Sorry, guys. Have fun for me!

My good friend Caly is doing sketch commissions right now, if you haven't seen her art before, you should definitely check her out! Her art has improved so much and she keeps getting better every time I see her!

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7893757/

I suddenly stopped working on commissions. Why? I got a job. This is good, yes.

However, my sleep schedule is having to drastically change, and I am having to try to wake up at 4:00 am. I'm used to sleeping in until 9-10. So I'm kinda a wreck.

Once I get into my sleep schedule, work will come easier, both at my job and here on art. So patience, and as soon as I'm not a walking caffeine zombie, I'll be back with ya.