It's been a while. But I finally picked myself up and things are starting to get better.
I'll start with the commission update, and then will move on to health and stuff.

Drawing has been extremely hard for me for many reasons. All the stress, along with the sense of failure because I keep taking so long to finish what I owe many of you, kept me from even getting out of bed. I'd wake up, help my parents with whatever I can, since neither can do much because of health issues, and then go back to bed. Many times I failed even them.
But I gathered up the courage, punched myself in the face and tried at least sketching a few things, just to get myself drawing again, and I can now safely say I'll be finishing all the commissions soon!
I have 3 reference sheets with lineart ready, and I'll be coloring them this week and sending them out. All the colored sketch commissions will also be upgraded to somewhat "painterly" commissions, to make up for the wait, and also because that style seems to be more comfortable for me to work with.
I'd like to thank everyone who commissioned me and wanted to help, and I want to apologize for not being at my best. It was never my intention to be so unprofessional, but the despair of the whole situation I was living in just drove me to a breaking point. I should've known better than to take on so many commissions at the time, but I saw no other option. Your support helped me save my dad's life, and I can never be grateful enough. So it weights heavily on me that I wasn't able to deliver as expected.

For the health update, thanks to my grandma's support I'm on medicine again, and this time it's even stronger medicine. My anxiety attacks are becoming fewer, and that's what allowed me to come here and write this update.
As for my dad, after almost a year, he finally managed to put an end to this ordeal. We had to rely on health insurance for another surgery he needed to go through, and they did not want to authorize the procedure. It took 8 months of him with constant heart pains and the risk of another heart attack until they finally authorized the surgery. Now he's doing better, the pain is finally gone (he had another artery that was getting blocked off, but now it's all clean and they put yet another stent in his heart), and he's finally at peace. We all are. We were living in constant fear that something bad could happen again. But now that's finally over, and all that's left to do is to finish recovering.

I don't wanna be long on this update, because I really wish to go back to coloring the reference sheets and finishing up everything that needs to be done, so I'll wrap this up by once again thanking everyone for the support and patience. And once again I apologize for my unprofessionalism, I hope I can somehow make it up to each and every one of you once I'm finished with what I owe you guys.

It's been a while since I last updated, so it's about time I show up to let you guys know about my current situation.

My dad is better. Kinda. He's out of risk now, but he's spent the last 3 months recovering and going from doctor to doctor and getting examined and stuff. Meanwhile, to avoid him getting stressed about things, I've been trying my hardest to deal with everything else. Of course, there are things only he can take care of, and I'm really having a hard time trying to take care of stuff, but I'm just so scared that something bad might happen to him...

And that took a toll on my own health too. I've had very bad gastritis problems in the past and they're all coming back full force. Plus it's winter over here and I haven't gone a single day without having the flu or being with at least a runny nose.
Since I have yet to finish previous commissions (which is also killing me inside because I despise myself for being so unprofessional and slow), I can't open for more and I don't have the money to pay for my medicine so I'm out of it too. Depression and anxiety are kicking me so hard that it took me literally two fucking weeks to muster the strength to come write this journal. I'm constantly scared people will hate me for being such a mess. Specially my commissioners, who have been nothing but sweet to me all this time and I'm failing them over and over again.

I'm going to try my best to finish all the commissions I still gotta finish as soon as possible. In the meanwhile, I might also search my art folder for whatever old design I have and sell it so that I can at least buy my medicine again. And all the character designs on my gallery (they'll come with whatever art I have of that character) will be for sale too, if anyone wants them. They aren't many, but if anyone wants them, just send me a note or leave a comment below.

I'll list them here to make them easier to find too.

- Sirius $15 (on hold)
- Sol $20
- Lux $25
- Sete $30
- Oni $25
- Albino Pluvee $15
- These two $15 each

Whatever pluvee I have up for sale can be changed to just a "normal dog with puffy fur floating around them" if the buyer wishes so. Or anything else really.
I thought about putting Alma and Umbra up for sale too but... I'm just too attached to them at this point. Still, if anyone really wants them, depending on my situation I might just have to let them go. I need to get at least enough so I can take my medicine again, and that way I might be able to pick myself off the ground...

Again, I'm sorry everyone. I just want to be stronger so I can deal with all this stuff.

So I had been trying to stay strong for my dad, and so that I wouldn't stop even for a bit--

But not long after what happened to my dad, someone left a very small and young kitten on my doorstep. I took him in, of course, and took him to the vet despite everything. He was very sick, and at most 30 days old. I spent something like a week trying to bring him back to full health, I'd stay up to feed him and give him meds.
However in the end it was just not enough. He was too sick already by the time he got to us, and when he finally passed, in my arms because I refused to let him die "alone", that kinda triggered a massive breakdown for me. Everything I tried to keep bottled up just burst out all at once, and I had to take a few days to pick myself up...

I was trying really hard to keep up a strong front, but I had absolutely no one to rely on. My mom isn't reliable at all, and my friends are far away.

I'm finally getting better now, so I'll be picking up from where I left before the breakdown-- Things will go back to normal really soon.

I'm sorry for not updating you guys sooner, and thank you so much for your patience!

Hello guys!

So, my dad came home this weekend, he's still recovering and there's still a long way to go until he's fully recovered. But at least for now he's home and we're getting to take care of him.

The problem is, now I know how much money I need per month to help pay for his medicine. He'll be taking a lot of medicine for a while, and the base cost for it all is at about $400 monthly. It might not seem much to some, but considering me and my mom also take expensive meds (mine is like $100 monthly, and my mothers is around $150), this is a blow we're going to struggle to take.
Neither me or my mom can stop taking our meds, my mother needs vitamins, specially for her bones, and I need my antidepressants... Whenever I stop taking them, that's when I vanish, because I can't do anything but stay in bed all day.

So, I'm posting this as, first of all, a big thank you to people who've helped me so far, and also to update with a more concrete idea of how much I'm gonna need.

And in the light of my new insight on the expenses, I'm keeping colored sketch commissions open, but also opening for:

• Reference Sheets - $75 USD (Front & Back View, but I will add a free expression if you'd like!)
• Painterly Portraits - $40 USD (Only 1 character per portrait. Here are two examples I did for a friend who's been helping me greatly)

And as before, I feel bad about mentioning this as I'd much rather work on commissions, but any donation, no matter how small, will help me cover for my dad's expenses! My paypal is mazz-ori[at]hotmail.com

Again, thank you everyone so so sooooo much for the support, for the help and for being so patient with me. I don't have words to describe how much I appreciate all the love I received.
I'm trying my best to stay calm and keep my dad calm, because that's crucial for his recovery, but... I'm actually scared. I hope everything turns out well...

I think I finally managed to take a deep breath but god do I feel fucking exhausted.

Yesterday, at around 8pm, my dad had a heart attack. A major artery got blocked and according to the doctors, it was the worst artery that could've gotten affected.
Me and my mom took him to the hospital as fast as we could, and we spent around 5 hours there waiting for any signs he'd get better. Right now he seems to be stable, I had an appointment so my mother went to visit him by herself and said he looked better, but he'll be staying in the ICU for a while...

Well, I'm here to ask for help, because I need to help my parents financially. My dad won't be going back to work anytime soon, and I doubt he'll go back at all since the stress from his work is what drove him into having a heart attack. He's an actually healthy person, he exercises regularly, eats properly and doesn't smoke or drink. However he does have a genetic problem with high levels of cholesterol in his blood-- And although he tried his best to take care of himsels, he's always so trampled with work that he doesn't usually even have enough time to see a doctor to keep his cholesterol in check.
The stress he's been dealing with for several years now only aggravated everything.

So I'm here to ask for help. Not only do we need help with the medical expenses, but I also want to give my dad some peace of mind: if he sees that I can make enough money to shoulder or at least help enough with the house expenses, then I'm sure he'll be able to focus more on his recovery.

I'll be doing just colored sketch commissions, and they can be:
• BUST - $12
• WAIST UP - $20 (+$10 for each extra char)
• FULL BODY - $30 (+$18 for each extra char)

All the prices above are in USD. I'll draw anything you want, even R18 stuff, which is something I don't usually do.
My colored sketches usually look something like THIS or THIS.

I'm willing to work as much as I possibly can, and push myself until I can't anymore, but if you'd like to maybe donate or give me a tip too, idk, my paypal is mazz-ori[at]hotmail.com
Any help is welcome, but if you plan on donating, please leave a note or something when you do-- I wanna repay you somehow when I can.

I still don't know how much I'm gonna need, but for now I'm setting my base goal at anything between 500~800 bucks. I'm sure that's nowhere nearly enough, but it's a start. I gotta set a kinda low goal for now or else I'll despair even more.

Thank you so much for reading. If you can't/don't wanna commission me, please spread the word!
--

I spent the whole night crying. I had to push my dad on a wheelchair into the hospital. He was cold, I thought he wouldn't make it.
My mom knew how uneasy I felt, so while I was at my doc appointment and she went to visit my dad, she sent me this pic. It's so blurry, but I guess she wanted to give me even if just a bit of peace. So she sent me a picture of my dad giving me a thumbs up.
I just want him to come home safe and sound...

Ok so first of all, I'm terribly sorry for disappearing for a while again. Allow me to explain what happened.

So just to get things started, last year I hurt my shoulder in a very weird way, that kept me from sleeping and drawing and actually just... Doing anything with that shoulder for a while. The pain was something I could only describe as being shot, because it was just insane.
And since then, my shoulder was... Kinda "sensitive", apparently. But I never did care much about it because I rarely did any sort of exercise that would put too much stress or weight on it. Until like 2 weeks ago when my mom decided to move some heavy furniture around and asked for my help.
Well the moron here pushes shit. With his shoulder. What happened was that it got bad, real bad, specially because I didn't want to go see a doctor for some stupid reason.

But now it's alright again, except I'm also having constant headaches-- But since I went to take care of my shoulder, I also decided to go see my ophthalmologist, since I haven't gone there at all in 5 years. That could be causing my headaches, so I had an appointment friday. Unfortunately there was something weird with my exams so the doctor asked me to come back on the 18th;;;;;;

Anyways, it's 9:30am as I write this, and I'll be getting started on stuff I have yet to finish! I'm sorry for vanishing again all of a sudden;;

--
_{On another news though, I uh... I guess I should probably open up here too. I had been pondering on coming out about this for quite some time, but before I even hurt my shoulder I had decided that I should really do it.
So uhm... I guess I never talked about my gender identity here openly at all, but yeah. You might've noticed on my explanation above, but I'm a trans guy. So if possible, please try using male pronoums with me from now on!
I don't want to hide who I really am anymore.}

basically stole this from this one person I watch here on FA I have absolutely no shame and it's been forever since I've done one of these sO
--

- Name: Kumo/Oni/Mazz

- Single or taken: eh

- Sex: Female

- Birthday: 10/15

- Sign: Libra

- Hair color: Pink-- but will probably dye it purple sometime soon

- Eye color: Dark brown/black

- Height: 168cm

- Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: ... maybe something like Demisexual? idk I don't usually think about this stuff too much bUT I LIKE DUDES AND DUDETTES SO YEH

____________________________________________________________________________
S P E C I F I C S
____________________________________________________________________________

- What kind of shampoo do you use?: Began borrowing some fancy ones from my mother ever since I dyed my hair but I don't remembr their names---

- What are you listening to right now?: Mage - The Words I Never Said

- Who is the last person that called you?: uhm probably my dad

- How many buddies are online right now?: idk they look like their online but they actually arent and the ones that look offline will answer if you poke them I CAN NEVER KNOW FOR SURE WITH THESE GUY S

____________________________________________________________________________
F A V O U R I T E S
____________________________________________________________________________

- Animal: Owls, Felines, Dogs, Rodents anD MANY MORE

- Color: the whole Green to Pink side of the spectrum

- Drink: Water

- Element: Fire and probably Earth too.

- Food: Just put rice or potatoes (or both!!!!) in it and it'll become my favorite food

- Game: FE, Okami, TWEWY, BnS, Dota 2, Pokemon

- Movie: I cant pick one there are too many movies I love uuuhh but the first one that came to mind rn was Howl's Moving Castle so yeah I'll go with that

- Song: Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now";;; actually I haVE TOO MANY FAVORITE SONGS but I Queen popped up on my playlist now so YEH

- Subjects in school: History and Literature

- T.V.: GoT, Voltron Legendary Defender (I don't watch much TV tbh,,,)

____________________________________________________________________________
H A V E | Y O U | E V E R
____________________________________________________________________________

- Given anyone a bath?: Yes

- Smoked?: No

- Bungee jumped?: Nopenopenopenopenop

- Made yourself throw up?: yeh

- Skinny dipped?: ....... once.............. loOK IT WAS DARK AND THERE WAS NO ONE AROUND OK

- Ever been in love?: Yeh

- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: not that I remember but I'm p sure I did it at least once when I was a kid because kids like doing that a lot

- Pictured your crush naked?: Yeh

- Actually seen your crush naked?: Yeeeeessss

- Cried when someone died?: yes.

- Lied: who hasn't

- Fallen for your best friend?: That used to happen a lot

- Used someone?: nah

- Done something you regret?: My life is a compilation of things I regret

____________________________________________________________________________
C U R R E N T
____________________________________________________________________________

- Clothes: Comfy old clothes-- pants, sleevless shirt and a coat

- Desktop picture: dramatical murder CG--

- CD in player: Uhm

- DVD in player: None... ?

____________________________________________________________________________
L A S T | P E R S O N
____________________________________________________________________________

- You touched: uhm

- Hugged: My dad

- You kissed: it's been a thousand years

- You IMed: Friend on discord

- Talk to online: also friend on discord

- You sexed it up with: it's been a thousand years

___________________________________________________________________________
A R E | Y O U
___________________________________________________________________________

- Understanding?: I think so. Unless it's something that just clearly hurts others then it's much harder for me to be understanding, but I still try nonetheless.

- Open-minded?: Yesss

- Arrogant?: I don't really know...? But I guess not... ???

- Insecure?: I'm a ball of insecurity

- Random?: Not really

- Hungry?: all th e time

- Smart?: I'm quick to learn and understand things but I don't really have much knowledge of anything

- Moody?: Sometimes, but I usually just end up getting sad

- Organized?: HMMMMMM yes. Though sometimes health issues make me messy.

- Shy?: Not really-- I guess I'm just mostly anxious.

- Difficult?: nah, I don't think so

- Bored easily?: nah

- Entertained easily?: yEH

- Obsessed?: Uhh maybe? LOOK I DON'T REALLY THINK ABOUT THIS STUFF

- Lazy?: I fight my lazyness a lot

- Angry?: nah

- Happy?: More like "content", or perhaps just "neutral"

- Hyper?: I have rly low energy for everything I don't even have the energy to get mad at people anymore and in the rare cases where I do get mad after 5min I'm like dude this requires too much of me wht am I even doing

- Trusting?: Used to be, but after people taking advantage of me over and over again, I became more suspicious of others. I still give everyone the benefit of doubt tho
___________________________________________________________________________
R A N D O M
___________________________________________________________________________

- In the morning: I'm either going to bed or already asleep, sometimes waking up, we jst dont know

- Love is: something I still don't fully understand and it makes me tired just thinking of it-- it's complicated, but surelly fulfilling I guess.

- I dream about: living a simple, peaceful life away from all the bullshit that keeps dragging me down and draining the energy I already don't have

- What do you notice first in the sex you're into: Eyes, hands, voice, the way they talk.

___________________________________________________________________________
W H O
___________________________________________________________________________

- Makes you laugh the most: All of the fucking losers I talk to everyday I love them so much

- Makes you smile: My friends and my dogs and cats.

-Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: meh

_____________________________
D O | Y O U | E V E R
___________________________________________________________________________

- Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: Nah

- Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: Yes. I mean I enjoy being female but if given the chance I'd become a dude asap

- Wish you were younger?: nah

- Cry because someone said something to you?: I'm easily the biggest softie among my friends so whenever someone says something nice I cry and if anyone's mean to me I cry too I'm sorry
___________________________________________________________________________
N U M B E R
___________________________________________________________________________

- Of times I have had my heart broken?: not really sure bUT A LOT

- Of Cd's: I think I don't own any CDs anymore----

- Of scars on my body: A LOT

- Of bones I've broken: Against all odds, I actually never broke any bones.
___________________________________________________________________________

I'm sorry abouT THIS I usually don't post this kind of stuff because I know some people are annoyed by it bUT HERE'S the deal ok hear me out for a sec--
if you maybe do this meme, either because you saw it from someone else or got it from me, feel free to post a link to it in the comments;; I wanna get to know you guys, if you'd like to share with me your ver of the meme and stuff of course----

also I realized that some years ago I used to dream so big but now I became such a simple person-- I just wanna get by above all else. I'm not sure whether that's good or not, but eh

SOOOOOOO I kinda feel like my last journal wasn't idk "objective" enough? So I decided to redo my commissions journal, because why not

-
Hello guys! I'm going to be open for commissions until I can save up enough to get myself a new computer. (Also to see if I could somehow make a living of my art when I finally move out)
SO. I'm open for mostly any type of commission you can find on my commission page, except for Flat Colors. The reason is that I'm still struggling to find a new, comfortable brush for lineart, so my flat color work has been veeeeery slow and makes my hand hurt a bit.
BUT instead of flat colors, I'll be offering Colored Sketch commissions! They're cheaper, and don't hurt my hand at all hahah

The prices for Colored Sketch Commissions are:
- Bust: $15
- Waist up/Half body: $22
- Full body: $30
For an extra character: Fullbody: +$17 to the price // Half body: +$15 to the price
And here are some examples:
http://www.furaffinity.net/full/20573667/
http://www.furaffinity.net/full/20315863/

If you have any questions about anything at all, just send me a note or leave a comment below, and I'll reply asap!
Thank you guys so much for your support, and I'm sorry for re-making this journal once again ''OTZ

WELL since there wasn't a lot of interest in Iron Artist commissions, I decided to just turn them into regular commissions.

SO, that means I won't compromise to do 2 every day, but I'll still work as fast as possible on them. And since I won't have a "deadline" of 2 commissions per day, I'll be able to send out sketches for approval like I normally do.
My goal is still to save up enough for a new computer, but I won't be so desperate about it /laughs
I won't stop taking commissions until I have raised the amount I set out for myself, so that means I'll be taking A LOT of these.

As mentioned before, my colored sketches look something like this and this, and they're all full body. For an additional character, just add $17 to the price.
That said, since these are no longer IA commissions, if the commissioner would like some simple BG or something else, feel free to contact me about it! I won't be taking any commissions that's too complicated, but I'm willing to even work on commissions with some simple shading like this or even this, so just send me a note!
But I do have a huge preference for working on colored sketches tho!

Thank you so much for reading, and if you have any questions at all, feel free to send me a note or leave a comment below ! ´v`

SO, like I mentioned in my latest submission, here's the journal with all the ranting and etc;


well, I haven't been very active over here not because I'm not drawing, but mostly because I've been trying to improve other things in my drawings-- that said, I have been drawing a lot of fire emblem characters. I really missed drawing some humans/non-anthro stuff, and my comic project came to a halt because I just don't know anymore what is it that I want to achieve with said comic /laughs
I feel like my characters are very weak and full of terrible flaws, so I'll be working on that eventually and I'll go back to posting lots and lots of Alma and Umbra being dorks

In the past few weeks though I've been a little bit extra "busy" and exhausted because of college + a friend of mine lost her mom. She doesn't have anyone else besides her sister-- I mean, she does have her father still, but he's always been very distant and unreliable. So I've been spending time with her whenever I could.
As for my own life, it's a big big mess as usual. Lately I've been even more concious about my body than usual, and ever since my mother stopped going to a church where she could point out other people's flaws and rant about it, she started to take her frustration and stuff out on me again. I'm once again being constantly told how "huge" and "fat" and "disgusting" I am, and how I'll die alone and that I'm useless and all that shit. So really drawing went back to being a distraction, an escape, so I'm sorry to anyone who actually sent me a note and asked for a commission. I really don't think I can work on those right now, I'm very, very sorry.
I might make some adoptables anytime again though-- those are always relaxing to do, and I shouldn't stop working completely. I really gotta save up so I can move out eventually, no matter how much that scares me, I really gotta do it.

Uhmm I didn't mean actually to "rant" so much, so I'm really sorry,,, I just wanted to let you guys know what's been going on with me (in case anyone was interested). I know life's hard for everyone, and I just gotta push through it. It'll be fine in the end. Or maybe it won't, but I'll just try to keep firmly believing it'll all be fine so I don't have a breakdown again hahaahahhhhh;;;;

anyways, I can't end a journal without thanking my beloved watchers, SO!
thank you everyone for the support! and thanks for the very cute shouts wishing me well, that really means a lot to me ♥ you guys are awesome, and I hope you're all doing well!

my last update has been from 2 weeks ago and it's mostly because I've been feeling extremely exhausted lately, and even somewhat... lonely?
I'm not really sure why I've been feeling like this, maybe it's because of some bad knews about my uncle's health (I've always looked up to him, and knowing he's sick and no one really knows what's going on made me realize he's not as invincible as I thought he was when I was a kid and boy that hurts)
but honestly I'm not really 100% sure that's the real reason why I'm like this. On top of it, I've started to feel like the one person I called my best friend sort of just... Puts up with me out of pity? Or something like that
I mean yeah, everyone else's still treating me as nicely as ever, but it's just so hard to face the idea that this one person I love so much I know I'd die for maybe doesn't really enjoy my company anymore.
Maybe I should just move on...? I mean my relationship with her has been like that for a while now, and I tried talking to her about it before but she never really said anything. It's so rare that she's the one starting a conversation and actually trying to keep it up that I'm even shocked when that happens,,, Shocked and incredibly happy at the idea that maybe hey, we can still work this out right. We're still friends.
But perhaps she just had no one else to talk to so she decided to talk to me because I'm usually quick to respond to her. Saying this out loud almost makes me feel like a dog who keeps greeting its owner with a wagging tail no matter how much the owner ignores it. So maybe I really should move on...
Perhaps I'm just not as good as a friend as I thought I maybe was

I'm so tired I wish I could sleep all day hah;;;

//I'm sorry for this rant, I promise I'll pick myself up and go back to being active and cheerful as usual. I'm just really out of it right now and I could use some hugs and maybe some chocolate too

everytime there's a cold front, I get really sick, no matter how much I try to keep myself warm and stuff uughh
so this week I've been spending most of my free time in bed, and I have quite a few things I want to finish and work on so this is really frustrating
I just hope this doesn't end up becoming sinusitis because I literally can't deal with that bs right now

well, just made this journal as a little update to why I've gotten a bit innactive this week! hopefully I'll be back and healthy again soon ´ A`

so one of the ladies that voted "yes" against corruption and stuff just woke up this morning with her husband, who is a town mayor, being arrested as a preventive measure because it's believed he's involved in some "operations" that "weakened" the local public hospital (since his family is actually in charge of a private hospital)
I don't even know what to say I'm just laughing because I don't feel like sulking tbh
IT'S A DISAAAAAAAASTER

--
on another note though, I hope this week started out well for you guys ´v`
I've been pretty inspired to draw and I'm glad I'm managing to keep myself busy most of the time. Might be ready to open for commissions again soon, so if you contacted me asking for something, I'll probably note you in the next few days asking if you're still interested!
_{Also considering the possibility of Fire Emblem themed commissions, but I'm not sure many of my watchers are into fe so idk--}

so there's this impeachment shit going on in my country rn because people want our president out since that would be a "step towards ending corruption"
but meanwhile the one who'd take the president's place is full of charges for all sorts of illegal shit
and most of the politicians voting "yes" are somehow involved in at least one case of corruption

and I'm over here like dude thats so fucked up I hope the population fucking realizes what's going on rn
that's straight up a fucking coup d'état

//EDIT
welp they won, I just hope something REALLY good comes out of this shit because god knows how fucked we are rn

I'm feeling very emotional today and even though I'm on mobile I just want to write this journal anyways

I want to thank every single one of my watchers, from new to old ones. I can't begin to describe just how much your support means to me, and although I never say anything, I actually know everyone who's been following me for some time now by name. Like, every single one of you. And whenever I see you fave or comment my work, it fills me with joy, I can't help but smile. Sometimes I even see you guys and I think to myself "hey, it's been a few years already, I'm glad you're still around for me and my work"
And when I see some new people come around I think like "I really hope I'll get to see you around my gallery for many years", because that means my improvements are real, it means whatever direction I'm taking, it's still "me" and you guys are watching me grow while you're also going through your own lives and growing as well. It helps me feel like I'm not stuck with my work, in a way.
And I've seen myself on people's page listed as one of their favorite artists as well. Boy that made me tear up. Never in my wildest dreams I'd think someone would actually call me one of their "favorite artists", so it's always such an amazing surprise when I see that. I don't want fame or anything, I couldn't care less for numbers (hence why I left my old account with 2000+ watchers and didn't care whether this one would make the same numbers or not), but I just feel so touched by such simple things. Maybe I'm too emotional omg

So thank you all for the support, thank you for sticking around. I hope I'll be able to bring a whole lot more art to you, I hope I'll be able to draw all the stories I have in my head again. And I hope I can also impact someone's life positively with my work as well.
Thank you guys, you're awesome.

I guess

My shoulder isn't getting any better and it's been raining a lot, and there's a lot of power outage and I want to punch a wall
So I'm gonna just spend a few days just letting all this mess settle down, so yeah--
If you asked me about chibi commissions, I'm sorry I'll have to further delay accepting those again! But once I'm back I'll make sure to contact you right away asking if you're still interested

_{arrghh I'm so tired and so hungry I didn't eat all daaaaaaay I'm gonna cry}

just a personal journal thingy that's going to be me talking about myself and how much of an asshole I might seem sometimes when I'm actually just a dumb person kinda

I'm really uh, nice to people I just met. I'm nice to everyone, actually, it's kinda hard to se me be mean to anyone unless that person really insults me. And for this reason I guess I'm easy to befriend maybe?? but I'm not good at keeping in contact with people because I seem to need a lot of "alone time", even when I'm actually already alone in front of my computer.
Sometimes I can go for weeks without talking to anyone at all, just watching movies and drawing and playing on my own. And then after some time I come back "recharged" and ready to talk to my friends again. People who've known me for a long time are used to it, but I guess people who just met me can be a little upset by that? Specially if they get to talk to me when I'm already "retreating myself", so I become more and more distant, and then I stop replying completely. I usually think about it, and I try to think how that person might feel, so I force myself to the limit to keep talking to them until I just can't anymore
And then I feel bad, because I feel like a huge asshole, and I can't seem to bring myself to get back to that person when I'm feeling "social" again because I get the feeling they already idk despise me because I stopped replying so suddenly. My anxiety likes to feed off those thoughts, so that makes everything even harder.
And on top of all of that, most of the "recent friends" I made kinda at some point stepped over me and my feelings. Like, I know I'm mostly super nice, I'm usually pretty understanding and I'm a big crybaby (no joke, I actually cry because of almost anything), so even when my "friends" offend me I try to brush it off, and just idk forget about it. But that's a bad thing because it makes people think they can kick me as many times as they want and I'll just respond with a smile. I mean, I really will forgive you no matter what, as long as you explain to me what's going on. Like, I do ask people when they're rude to me if I did something wrong to get them angry, or if something's happening in their life, and if they're just like "lol no nothing's wrong", but keep being rude, at some point I'll become bitter.
You can use me as a punch bag, but only if you're willing to tell me why I'm being your punch bag in the first place. Otherwise it just feels like you enjoy hurting me and that's how you push me away really fast
idek why I'm saying these things anymore hahah''

what I just wanted to say is, if you just got to know me and I don't reply so often to you, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be an ass, I'm just weird and need lots of personal space. I also deal with some bullshit anxiety, so sometimes I might not reply/talk to you because I feel like I'm being a bother and that the stuff I say is pointless and you'll hate me for it. And I'm shy. And a huge crybaby. And if I intimidate you somehow, just think of me as a person that dyed her hair pink and now makes the "I'm the main character of this anime" joke because all of her friends have brown/black hair
also I might delete this journal later because I'm already feeling dumb for writting it but I kinda need people to know I'm not a bad friend on purpose

well, I went to see the doctor yesterday, he seemed kinda confused because I didn't feel any pain when I moved my arm around and it didn't hurt when he put some pressure on my shoulder, so he asked for some x-rays and stuff
good thing it could be done right there on the clinic, and the guy that took the x-rays was such a sweetheart it was almost like he knew I had got no sleep and was in pain and kinda needed some nice words from someone.
I went back to the doctor, who was a also a huge sweetheart, and he said it was, indeed, muscular and it's an inflammation. He asked me if I spent too much time sitting down on a daily basis, and I told him well yeah, I work at home and spend long periods of time just sitting in front of the computer, drawing. So he told me that was most likely the reason why I got hurt in the first place, it's a "posture problem", and that I needed to exercize more often to avoid things like this from happening again.
He then gave me some medicine and told me to come back in case the medicine doesn't work, but so far it seems to be helping me so I'm happy.

I didn't update yesterday because I was very very tired, so I took my medicine and tried to just relax in bed until I fell asleep. I woke up about an hour ago to take my medicine again and decided to make a new journal now.
I'm really glad that it was, indeed, a very simple problem, even though it was so bizarre. And I'm glad the medicine is working, too! Hopefully I'll be all good and back to normal in a few days~

I haven't slept yet and it's 6:49 am. I can't sleep, because there's been a very fucking annoying pain on my right shoulder/arm since monday. It's constant, it feels like someone shot me in the shoulder, and sometimes it gets worse and it starts to hurt as I breathe in and out. When I lied in bed today the pain was so fucking strong that it became hard for me to breathe. I had to sit up again and I can't lay back down because everytime I do, the pain gets worse.

I got a doctor appointment today, I hope to find out what this thing is. It hurts so much, I'm actually crying right now, because the pain won't stop ever, it just doesn't go away and I can't do shit. Painkillers aren't doing shit either.
Seriously, what the fuck. First those stupid migraines and now this. I want to tear my right arm out.

I wanted to open for commissions again soon though, and I'll still do it. I want anything that can keep me from focusing on this pain, even if it means working 10x slower...

Hi guys!

I didn't think so many people would actually follow me into this new account and new chapter in my life. So thank you so so much for watching me and supporting my work, you don't even know how much that means to me. It's really something that helps me keep going even through the nasty migraines I've been dealing with for the past 2 weeks now.
I think I've spammed everyone with my art, and I'm sorry for that-- I just had decided to not post any art here until I finally announced that I'd be moving to this account. Never done that before, so of course I'd end up being a bit awkward about it hahah

I don't really know what to say, so just-- With all my heart, thank you.
And to anyone that just began following my work today, welcome and thank you as well! You guys are awesome!