Someone shared the link to a relatively fresh face here on FA, doing an art raffle. Looks like fun, and I see a lot of skill in the artist, so I encourage everyone to go give a watch and sign up!

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/60670749

Feels so weird to put this journal up, since everyone else has already said so much about the man who kept this site going through the good times and the bad.

I didn't really know Dragoneer super well, but the few interactions we did have, he was always friendly and warm, so I can safely say this world is a dimmer place without his light in it.

I really hope his friends and loved ones can find peace in this difficult time. To those who know them: extend your warmest wishes and be there to help them out. The hardest part about losing someone you love is the feeling of isolation and loss, so do everything in your power to ease their burden.

Requiescat in pace, Dragoneer.

Managed to snag a BluSky code the other day, so now I'm officially a member! Still setting up all the stuff for my profile, but I'm gonna throw my page on here before I forget!

https://bsky.app/profile/kusho.bsky.social

Alright. You who know me know I'm not one for asking for help, but this help isn't for me. A dear friend of mine is in dire financial straits and needs people to help out. Even a few bucks is worth a great deal to him, so he can get his life back on-track.

He has had to swallow his pride and open himself up to asking people for help, so go on over and show him that furs look out and care for one another!

His journal, with donation link included: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10439229

Contrary to the title, I feel it best to start out with the little poem, done in the style of Guy Fawkes Day's infamous nursery rhyme.

Remember, remember
the 5th of December
Their backstabbing, cru'lty, and rot.
I see of no reason
Their lies and their treason
Should ever be forgot.

A "tribute" to those who, when a man was at the lowest point in his life following the passing of his mother, decided to not only toss him aside but also actively ruin his name by spreading lies and inciting harassment. Quite amazing what someone who considers himself "furry royalty" can get away with, all because they can make someone's willy hard.

But enough venting and onto my reflection. This past year-and-a-half has been... rough, for lack of a better term.. Between the loss of my mother last year, the aforementioned backstabbing just a few days before her first post-death birthday, and then her birthday itself, last fall was a nightmare. Naturally, my absentee father was of no help in filling the void mother left, and when I fumbled up a game due to my own messy emotions (but best of intentions, albeit misguided by said emotions), people I had thought were my friends decided abandonment was easier. Fast forward to this year, and not only have I not fully recovered from my parental loss (emotionally, that is), I also ended up falling sick with Covid at the beginning of December (which some of you might remember) and nearly ended up hospitalized after running a fever that would not come down.

Sadly, despite the initial recovery, this has developed into long-haul Covid symptoms, including strain on my heart, constant fatigue, and a persistent mind fog that has resulted in me having to drop classes during the school year. As a direct consequence, I will be attending university a year longer than originally planned, but I suppose that's just how the cookie crumbles. I'm not particularly upset about that, given I did everything I could to prevent catching that big C-virus, including multiple vaccinations, and I'm honestly quite thankful that I survived. Much as I miss my mother, I am not ready to see her again just yet. :P

That's about it. In summary: people can really suck, the loss of your only parental unit can really hurt even a full year later, Covid sucks ass, and be glad for the few bright spots in life.

Also, big shout out to both my mental health therapists. I know (or at least am 99% sure) they won't see this, but seriously, I doubt I would be doing as well as I am without them. I really do feel more people should be seeking mental health counseling, even if you feel you are "fine." Sometimes, just having someone you can talk to about your problems makes a world of difference.

Realizing I should update my journal, since it's been a while, and plenty has happened.

For the two or three people who read my journals, I ended up coming down with Covid last week. Holy fucknuggets, was that ever a trip. Several days of a high fever that was only barely managed by medication to put me in a state where I could not worry about brain damage and a constant exhaustion that left me pretty much bedridden. I can safely say, I have never spent so much time in bed before, and I do NOT miss the whole "I'm too tired to even feed myself" thing.

I'm still recovering from the ordeal, and I admit that memories during the fever days are hazy, at best. I recall sleeping for hours at a time, interspersed with bathroom trips and feeble attempts to open medicine bottles before I gave up and left the lids off. Thankfully, I survived that nightmare. I have to put that down to the fact that I was fully vaccinated, even if I was due for another booster. If I hadn't gotten the shots, I am certain I would not be sitting here, prattling on about my experience. At this point, I'm just thankful that I did not end up 6 feet under in a wooden box. I'd like at least a few more decades before getting to see my mother again, after all!

So, that's been the past week-and-a-half of my life. Feels simultaneously like a full month and just a day or two. I dread to even contemplate all the school work I've missed during this time, but my professors have all been quite understanding and told me to focus on recovery, so I'm hopeful on that front.

Not sure what else to say here, as I'm still feeling tired a lot, but I felt I should really update this. So yeah. Have a good one, everybody!

I suppose this has been a long time coming, but it has finally reached the limits of my mental faculties. I am emotionally exhausted from all the drama, bullshit, and chaos in this world. Between dealing with the loss of my mother, a group of former "friends" stabbing me in the back, and now the recent decision about women's health rights being actively celebrated by people (and their excitement on the prospect of other rights like those of the LGBTQIA+ community being stripped away)... there is nothing left in my tank. My emotional well has run dry and become barren.

This world is truly falling apart, if it is acceptable to be so cruel and rotten to our fellow human being. The fact that we can happily cause one another misery or suffering and not only feel no remorse but to go unpunished feels so hollow. Good people are made to suffer, and those in power never seem to care--or even go so far as to delight in it, in some cases. There are people who cheer on the pain and anguish, saying it is "what they deserve" without any hesitation or self-reflection on how the person might be feeling. What kind of world is this where someone can look at a person and tell them "you deserve to suffer" and then take an active role in ensuring the person endures agony upon agony. Rather than improve the person's existence, they would sooner use their energy to cause more misery in this world.

The older I get, the more I start to realize that Terry Pratchett's version of Death was completely correct when he ruminated on how things like "justice" and "mercy" are big lies we as humans train ourselves to believe. They are not concepts inherent to this world. Should we--as Death suggested--"grind [the universe] down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve," we will find no atom of justice nor one molecule of mercy. I am realizing I lived too long believing the fantasy that there was an innate "rightness" to the world by which life and action might be judged--a standard to which we can be held. With the veil ripped away and seeing the "man behind the curtain," so to speak, I confess to finding myself not only disappointed but drained of the ability to feel any lingering speck of hope for this world.

As of now, I find myself too tired to want to continue on, despite knowing I have to--for the memory of my deceased mother, if nothing else. But, if I am to be completely honest, all I want to do is sleep--to let myself fall into the beautiful realm of oblivion where real life becomes the dreams and we experience imagination as reality. With what was once considered "inhumane" becoming the new standard for humanity, taking refuge in the peace of a death-like dreamland for the rest of my physical existence is a sorely tempting option. At least there, the fantasies of "justice" and "mercy" can be the law of the land, rather than the ethereal, unattainable concepts that we pretend have any hold in this existence.

No, this is not a "oh, comfort me and reassure me and make me feel better" journal. This is mostly an exercise to vent my emotions and give myself an opportunity to reflect. If my words resonate with anyone reading this, I hope it can serve as a reassurance that you are not alone in how you feel, no matter how much it may seem so.

"Guess we all are born with parts to play.
Some of us are stars
and some are just in the way.

I know I was meant for glory,
but that's never what my story brings,
And yet I keep on waiting.

When you have the passion and the drive,
you expect your moment center stage to arrive.

I show up with heart a-blazing,
ready to achieve amazing things,
But I'm left waiting in the wings.

I hear my cue,
and yet I'm kept here, waiting,
know what to do,
and I still stand there, waiting.

It's always someone else who sings,
while I'm left waiting in the wings.

And so I'll keep on keeping on.
My chances come,
and then I blink, and they're gone.

Always overlooked unfairly
while pretending that it barely stings.

But it stings. Yes, it stings.

And I'll shed no tears.
I'll only keep on waiting.

If no one cheers,
well, I can keep on waiting.

Who cares how loud
the silence rings?

You'll find me waiting in the wings."


Not my cover (obviously, but go listen to Annapantsu; she rocks). This is just an exercise in venting my emotions in a healthy manner.

Also, what is it with Disney and making songs that are disturbingly fitting for almost every aspect of my life?

People you think are your friends don't actually give two shits about you. You might care about them, sure, and you might even do your best to do good things for them, but they will gladly stab you in the back without a second thought, the moment you become an inconvenience to them. Whatever bond you think you have with them is just a figment of your imagination, and you need to stop fooling yourself.

If you really believe otherwise, give it time. Real life will bite you in the ass soon enough; enjoy the good times while they last.

It just dawned on me today that my birthday is next week (October 25th, to be exact).

I'm not sure yet what I'll be doing on my birthday, and this will be the first birthday I've had to celebrate without hearing from my mother who passed earlier this year (hence why I've been pretty damn out of it).

I'll throw my Amazon Wish List on here, in case anyone wants to get me anything, I guess? I don't know. That's the popular thing to do these days, right?

But seriously, I just don't know what to do for my birthday. I'm feeling old, now that I'm out of parental figures. Old and just... alone.

Blargh. Enough of my whining. Carry on with your day, everyone.

Wish List, for those interested: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/...../3N1PSIME13IOD

For those who don't know,  rockytheprocy passed away last night. While he and I were fairly new friends, he was a really great guy. He was high-spirited and tried to help everyone have fun, even when he wasn't feeling the best, himself.

Conner has left behind many people who care about him and he has touched many lives, either directly or indirectly. I ask those who can, go to his Paypal and donate to help his husband cover medical bills and funeral expenses. Death is a time of great burden, so anything we can do to help ease the stress of those he left behind, I feel it is our duty as people to do so. Even just a few dollars can help ease the financial burdens a bit (and face it, most of us can go without an $8 coffee from Starbucks for a day).

Donations are being accepted here: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/outoftheblue

Go show your support for a man who has lost his loved one.

Kind of a ranty journal ahead, so feel free to ignore this and move on, if you'd rather not listen to someone vent for a bit.

Now that that's out of the way, I'm sorry I haven't been around. I've been exhausted with school, constantly pressing my nose to that grindstone. I've been constantly busting my ass to pull good grades in the middle of a pandemic, and I've been burning myself down with it. I know it's for my betterment, but there are times when it becomes too much to handle. Between school, the pandemic, losing two family members to Covid, and all the drama that a certain individual has been putting this country through, I've had to start talking to my therapist about potentially going on antidepressants. I haven't needed them in years, but I'm finding it harder to keep a handle on things--particularly with how willfully ignorant people enjoy being. I see so many people blindly repeating conspiracy theories or chiming "fraud" without putting objective thought into the matter. They simply go find biased websites that support their twisted worldview and then tout these as fact, even if they've been debunked. This is particularly frustrating, as university has taught me to examine my sources and think about them objectively to determine whether they are factual. Now, I'm to the point where people I used to respect utterly disgust me, because they buy into this madness and refuse to listen to anyone else that threatens to damage their bubble of ignorance (and, let's call it what it is, stupidity).

At this point, I've mostly been needing a break. I'm glad for Winter being here, as I get a few weeks between semesters, with an added week due to our campus rearranging Spring Break. I'm sure I'll feel that later in the semester, but there's little to be done about it. Really, at this point, I'm hoping against hope that 2021 will bring about at least the beginning of something resembling peace. I know too many idiots will still be spazzing out like a bunch of drunken monkeys, telling themselves they're the only "real Americans" because they support a petulant manchild that works to destroy them while brainwashing them into thinking he's their hero. But I can hope that, as we move forward, many will come to realize they were being played for the fools they are. I can't say I'm overly optimistic (the old adage about leading a horse to water but not being able to make it drink comes to mind), but that's all I can do now: hope.

Already, vaccines are beginning to roll out to people, and I'm immensely glad to see numerous labs across the world work together. Much as I would love to say "Well, we can be back to normal within a few months now," I've studied enough biology to know otherwise. Plus, even with the vaccines, I'm fully aware there will be a bunch of nutjobs that refuse the vaccine, either under the delusion that the entire Covid thing was a hoax or the typical "nuuu, vaccines bad!!" mentality.

At this point, all I can do is sigh, shake my head, and do what I can to move forward and make a better life for myself. Here's hoping that 2021 will give more opportunities to do so--not just for me, but for everyone.

Anyway, sorry for the journal getting so heavy (and political). I'd suggest taking refuge in the comment section, but I'm sure there will be someone down there, getting butt-hurt that I dared speak out against their master. :P We'll see if they have the self-awareness to realize that they're proving me right, and all of us can have a good laugh. Then again, I'm just a small fish in a big pond. They might not even see this journal and just go about their lives none the wiser. Either way, have a Happy New Year, everyone (and a very belated Merry Christmas)!

Well, another rotation around the sun for me, or however that goes. Another year older, another year theoretically wiser? I dunno. Birthdays are starting to feel really blah without all the pomp and circumstance, though that might be the malaise from this pandemic settling in.

In other news, found out one of my aunts was admitted to the hospital with Covid. Not exactly thrilled that it finally hit my family, but there's little I can do aside from stay where I am and try not to get myself sick, either.

And apologies to people who feel like I'm brushing them off. University can be Hell, and this semester is a metric fuckton of hard work, with everything having moved online and having a less-than-helpful professor in one of my hardest classes. Trying to push through this and get myself moving forward.

Hopefully you haven't gotten sick of these journals, but I really want to do something nice for people on the weekends. Streaming Jackbox seems as good a way as any to help bring people together in these challenging times when we can't meet face-to-face anymore. Nothing brightens up tragedy quite like some good laughs.

On that note, tonight's stream will start at 9pm EST (that's 8pm Central, 6pm Pacific). I'll be streaming for a few hours, over on https://www.twitch.tv/kusholion for those who are interested and want to relax. Feel free to drop in and join the fun whenever you'd like. I also have a new Discord server for people who want to join me in voice during the stream. https://discord.gg/9Qm2eQv should let you join the server, and then you can pop down into the voice channel.

And serious talk: feedback on these streams is welcome. If you think there might be a better time to do these than on the weekends (or maybe earlier in the day on weekends), please tell me. I want to make the fun available to as many people as possible.

Edit: Stream has ended for the night, but any feedback is still welcome!

First, let me start by wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. Or Turkey Day. Or Stuff-Your-Face Thursday. Or whatever you want to call it. Traditionally, this is when people start talking about what they're thankful for. For me, it's hard for me to really quantify what I'm thankful for. This isn't to say that I'm not thankful for anything, it's more that I feel scared to make a list, lest I end up forgetting something or someone.

So, while this is by no means an inclusive list, here is some of what I am thankful for:
-My friends: the few that have stuck by me all this time are a treasure, and I still can't believe they care so much about me.
-Having a home: After having come very close to losing my house in the past, I am always thankful to have a home, even if it's not the best.
-Being back in university: It feels so weird to be in university at my age (because goodness knows, I'm just SO old), but I am so happy that I decided to try it one more time. Knock on wood, things are going smoothly, and I'm filling out my transfer application to get into the undergrad program I want. This has also let me make new connections that might become friends in time.
Extracurricular Activities: This might seem like a weird thing to include. For those not in the know,  dynewulf is making a visual novel called Extracurricular Activities. Enjoying this work has helped me realize what I want out of my life. It made me realize everything my life has been missing, and it has given me the drive to change my life into something better. I identify so much with some of the characters in that novel, to the point where it helped me reflect on myself and who I was and want to be. So thank you, Dyne. I don't know if you'll ever see this, but without your project, I never would have started to turn my life around. You will always have my gratitude and my thanks.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Okay, for the record, since I have been having to field this more than I should really need to:

Yes, I am gay.

No, this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with you, just because you have a dick.

Nor does this mean I am obligated to like you, just because you are interested in me.

If you really want to know me, try getting to know me. I am, first and foremost, a person. There is more to me than the muscle-bound lion you see on the screen.

Thank you, that is all. You may return to your day.

Okay, so... finished up my semester at university. Sporting a 3.97 GPA (humble brag), and got home from a trip with my family... and holy balls, has FA changed while I was gone. XD Shinies, now? When someone talked about shinies on FA, I thought they were speaking Pokemon!

Anyway, mine are enabled now, and... yeah, I think that's everything!

Sooo, yeah. Just realized that my birthday is coming up. October 25th. I seriously lost track of time, being in university. Anyway, yeah. Now you guys know my birthday.

So, one of my friends is in a bit of financial bother. Unforeseen circumstances arose and now, he and his beau need $500, or they'll lose their place and be forced back to their respective parents' homes, thus separating them. The full details are all in his journal, but how about the people out there who watch me show that you care about your fellow furs and lend him a paw?

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8823652/

Pay it forward, and people might be there to help you out, sometime.

Not really sure why, but I added a link to my Amazon wish list, in case anyone felt like treating me to a little something. Not expecting anything, really, but sometimes people feel generous, I guess. XD

I dunno, just making people aware that it exists. Too drunk to think better of it. :P

Again-- by no means is this required or expected or any shit like that. It's an "if you wanna, great, if not, no biggie" thing.

Winners of Eurovision 2018!



And for those of you who are going to whine about the song-- take a good, long look at what you listen to and tell me this is truly any worse. XD

Seriously, I have heard WAY worse songs become IMMENSELY popular. For what it is, this song is actually damn catchy-- not to mention, the gal has got a serious set of pipes!

It's a new year, with new things to face.

First off, it looks like we'll be keeping our house. We figured out something with the powers that be, and as long as we can lock the loan down (which is in the works), they're letting us have the time to sort the shit out. BIG thank you to the few people who donated! You were the rare bright sparks in what was a vast ocean of darkness for me.

As for 2018... With part of the big bill paid off and my applications for various services underway (not to mention a little bit of Christmas money to take the pressure off), I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things. I want to feel more like myself again, before this stress really took its toll on me.

What else... Oh yeah! I'm going back to college (or at least, I'm going to try. People are dragging their feet, and I have to have this shit figured out by the 10th). So... yeah, that's a thing. XD Here's hoping it goes better than the last time I tried! Of course, THIS time, I have a plan!

Not sure what else to say here, but I wanted to get the old gloom out of the way for the new year.

Have a good one, all!

Well, my birthday's tomorrow... but honestly, it's hard to be excited.

As it stands, we still haven't been able to raise the money to keep our house. I find myself becoming more and more bitter as I watch our time tick down to the point where, come the end of December, we'll be tossed into the bitter cold.

If any of you wanted to give me a birthday present, I'd gladly accept donations towards keeping our house. Though, I know you guys have much more important things to spend your money on (like porn).

Regardless, the link is still here: https://www.gofundme.com/4z9bh-saving-our-house

Happy freakin' birthday.

Well... I didn't realize things had gotten this bad. I thought we were making progress in getting everything paid off...

Looks like it wasn't enough. If mom and myself can't come up with $13,200 by the end of the year, we lose our house.

I'm at a complete loss. I don't know what to do anymore. Obviously, new art is no longer even the faintest priority. Once I receive what I've already paid for, that's going to be it for an unknown length of time. I thought about asking for refunds, but the work is so far done, it'd be unfair to the artists involved to ask for the money back, at this point.

I honestly don't even know what to do. I just... don't know what to do.

Three months and change is not a lot of time to find that kind of money. But, I'm open to ideas.

Just-- don't be surprised if I'm gone for a while, come the end of the year. I'm sorry, everyone.


**EDIT**

On the advice of a few people, I made a GoFundMe page, in case anyone is able to lend a hand. Feel free to donate or to link this journal. Any form of assistance is appreciated FAR more than I can even begin to express.

https://www.gofundme.com/4z9bh-saving-our-house

The added balance is to cover the cut that GoFundMe takes, so we'll still have enough after their share to pay what's owed, if we can make that goal.

"When beans are in flower, fools are in power."

-Author unknown


Happy April Fools' Day, everyone!