So my mother is not only insisting, but pretty much forcing me to watch my two nephews at her place while my sister recovers from surgery. While I understand the situation, she's not giving me much choice in the matter, and is taking up any free time I have off of work for the rest of the week, and I think most of next week as well.

So for today and tomorrow, I'm completely cooped up in her apartment with them. I can't go anywhere, I'm staying the night at her place until Friday morning, and I'm taken back to my place for all of two minutes a day so I can feed my cats, which she loudly complains about going out of her way to do. Because, you know, it's much more important that she has someone to dump her grandkids on than making sure my cats don't starve to death. ¬_¬

She's also trying to keep me from going to Furbowl on Saturday. Even though she knew I was planning on this month's bowl back in late July (long before it was discovered that my sister would even need surgery, let alone have said surgery scheduled), she knew I had requested off work for that evening back then so I can attend the entire event, and she knew how much I was looking forward to it with the whole day-after-my-birthday thing, she's insisting that I cancel all of my plans to attend to her wants. Because she wants her weekend free to do what she wants, and to hell with what I want.

I hope the cats will forgive me.

~Kyetsu

So I decided to sign up for Furbowl. I'd at least be one more tally mark in the final number or whatever. I figure that if I chicken out at the last minute/can't find a ride back home, I could always take my name off the list later.

Also found out that I'm working on my birthday. This neither surprises nor upsets me. I work pretty much every year on my birthday. The one year I was actually off, my family spent the day celebrating my nephew's birthday, which is actually three days after mine, but *meh*. And I guess since I've never had birthday parties as a kid or anything, I'm not really missing out on much as an adult.

I think that's all I wanted to say. But I have a pounding, yet unexplainable, headache. Tends to interfere with thinking and all.

~Kyetsu

I was really looking forward to the Furbowl for this month, but now I'm having doubts about going. I mean, it's exactly one day after my birthday, and I've already gone through all the trouble of requesting off work for that evening a month or so ago. I even set some money aside to actually enjoy the dinner portion of the event. (After working almost 60 hours in one week, I damn well better have some money to treat myself with! )

But with everything that's been going on with the whole I'm-not-suicidal-even-though-people-thought-I-was stuff that went down, I'm a bit unsure of how people will react to me being there. I guess I'm really just afraid of getting the wrong kind of attention, you know? Like everyone's gonna be all "ZOMG I thought you got died!!!!111!!!!one!!!!!"...Or even worse, people reacting with "ZOMG You faked your death online LOL N00B!!!!111!!!!one!!!!!"

I know that it's been proven that the whole mess was cause by someone with a tragic case of a mental condition more commonly known as "Batshit Insanity", but it's just the illusion that I was somehow involved beyond posting journals that inadvertently made people really pissy at me, or suggested that there was truth to the whole death rumor, that makes me uneasy. I know I've said it before, but it's not the facts that matter. It's what people think are the facts that people will pay attention to, and to hell with contrary proof.

I've been kinda doing a mental tally of the pros and cons of going, and the birthday thing's currently the only thing on the "Pro" list. And the "Con" list is getting longer every time I think about it. Doesn't mean "I'm not going, period", but I have a really bad feeling about what would happen if I did.

~Kyetsu

So, needless to say, things have been rather chaotic since Saturday's havoc. I now have random family members, as well as almost everyone who ever had my phone number evar, suddenly calling me "just to keep in touch". Most of the rare times my family called me before would be to yell at me or tell me how they're somehow better than me. Though I can understand why my father would be freaking out over hearing the name of anyone related to him and the word "suicide" used in the same sentence...My uncle killed himself about 10 years ago. In fact, it's almost exactly ten years ago, which is haunting...I remember it being about two weeks before my birthday...So losing his brother to suicide, then losing his daughter to the same thing ten years later would be horrifying to think of. But I guess if anything "good" came out of this, it finally slapped him out of his "You can be my daughter when I feel like having a daughter" phase he's been in since...well...I was born, really.

My mother and sister are really pissing me off, though. My sister, as expected, is spreading lies about what exactly happened, and my mother believes every word of it, despite evidence to the contrary. On top of that, my mother's going to great lengths to get everyone to forget that any of this ever happened, and not talk about it ever again, because God forbid anyone should actually be concerned about my well-being. She's actually told be several times that "I don't want anyone worrying about you". Then again, this is coming from the same person who adamantly believes that I'm too stupid to be depressed, so go figure.

So I guess there's a few lessons to be learned in all of this:

1) I'm better off keeping my moth shut that opening up. Because without fail, speaking my mind makes things 9000+ times worse than it was before.

2) The internet is Srs Bizns.

3) Never write "I hate the world. Bye." in a post EVAR, unless, of course, you're warning people to never say that.

4) If you have a webcomic on a registered site. check in every so often to see what's posted on it.

I'm trying to get this back together, but it's a little difficult right now. I guess when large amounts of people suddenly think that you're either dead or about to die, it's an understandable situation. Gotta try to roll with it.

~Kyetsu

Disclaimer: I'm not suicidal. Never have been, don't plan to be so at anytime in the future. I apparently need to say this in journal entries to keep people from thinking I killed myself and calling the police to my house.

Oh, and did I tell you about the time the police were called to my house thinking that I killed myself?

Saturday night, I'm heading home, when I start getting a bunch of random calls I didn't recognize. Then I get a call from one of my sisters. I was talking to someone at the time, so I didn't answer, assuming she was just calling about a Labor Day barbecue she was going to. She sent me a text asking me if I was alright, and if I needed to talk. I asked her why, and she asked me to call her.

At this point I learn that someone had called the police to my house. From what I heard from both my sister and the police themselves, someone had posted something somewhere online that I had killed myself after my last rant. Someone else read this post and called 911 or a suicide crisis center or something. So the police were outside my house and about two seconds away from kicking down my door when they got in touch with me. I get home to find three cop cars parked there, along with my younger brother and my other sister...the one I don't get along with, and will certainly relay this to my mother in the worst way possible...as in, she'll lie and exaggerate every point she possibly can to get my mother yelling at me about it instead of being concerned.

The police talked to me for a bit, explaining that someone wrote a comment somewhere after I posted my last entry that I had died, and he had my post on the computer in his car. I glanced over and sure enough, I can clearly see FA up on his screen. He asked me a bunch of questions, and then he wanted to check out my arms after noticing my wristband. For those who don't know me IRL, I wear a wristband over my right arm after a kitchen accident left my forearm badly mutilated. I'm sure you can imagine how splendidly that went over with them. But it's pretty obvious that the scars are old, and he seemed to believe me when I explained what happened, and that other scarring on my arms came from various work incidents or cat mishaps. Satisfied that I don't wanna die, they hung around a bit to make sure everything was fine, and finally took off.

So now I'm left in a fine mess. Not only did I piss everyone off into not talking to me with a rant, but now I've subsequently got someone convinced somehow that I actually ended my own life because of it. And I'm still trying to figure out who actually called the police to my house, so that maybe I can piece all of this together. I mean, I know they can trace IPs and all, and one of the cops mentioned that, but I don't have internet access at home. Tracing the IP on any account I have anywhere will lead you either to a library, internet cafe, or maybe my mother's house. But she's out of state for the weekend, so they couldn't have contacted her.

So at some point, someone who knows me here must have told them where I live, since that's the only way I can think of that anyone can connect my username with my real name and home address. And I'm not sure why that person immediately called the police as opposed to...you know...calling my phone! Anybody that's ever been to my house has my cell number, so they could have called me first before freaking everyone out. =P And by "everyone", I mean me, people I've talked to about this, my bosses at both jobs (who the police called asking for me), and several family members.

So I don't know where to go at this point, or who to turn to. Especially after my last post about people not liking me that pissed everyone off into...well...not liking me. Self-fulfilling prophecies suck balls, just for the record. If anyone finds anything out about this, please contact me about it. I really wanna make some sense out of what happened over the past weekend.

~Kyetsu

I just needed a real friend. I just needed someone to talk to, in good times as well as bad, that didn't either ignore me, tell me what I'm thinking, or cut me off to finish my sentences with something other than what I was about to say. Someone who actually likes talking to me, is actually interested in what I say, and who doesn't write me off as a total retard. Just one person who I could have a random conversation with--be it online, via text, or face-to-face--about anything and everything, just because we wanted to, not because they have to talk to me for some reason.

Just once, I wanted to be able to meet up with people without having to make a big production out of it, or have it be for some specific reason. I just wanted to be able to randomly ask someone "Hey, wanna meet somewhere in the near future and hang out?", and just do whatever comes to mind without having to rearrange schedules or anything. Or, for that matter, to have someone who actually wanted to get in touch with me to randomly hang out for no particular reason. I really just needed someone who really wanted me around, instead of people who only speak to me--or even acknowledge that I'm there--when A) it's necessary, B) I start the conversation, or C) I said something in a journal or somewhere that prompts someone to say "Don't worry, it'll be alright" before going back to ignoring my existence.

In short, I just needed someone to care that I'm here.

There's things in life--a lot of things, actually--that I can never have. And I've had it with moving from group of people to other groups of people, just to be shown time and time again that nobody could care less if I lived or died...Hell, nobody even cares that I'm here to begin with. I'm just not going to try anymore...There's no point, and it always leads back to the same result, no matter what I do to change things. I just give up.

_{{If I'm going for good, I want to leave on a note other than "I hate the world. Bye."}}

But really...That's it. I'm done.

Bye.

~Kyetsu

I need to go away for a very long time. I'm tired of everyone and everything, and I'm sick of dealing with it all.

Bye.

~Kyetsu

I found out over the past weekend that I have a sewage leak under my home. Great. That just what I need on top of everything else. On top of that, the people who own the lot I'm on are all "Fix it nao or GTFO!" So now I gotta get that fixed as well as rebuild my truck's wheel hub. This stuff just keeps sucking up every bit of money I have to spare and then some.

So I'm cutting way back on expenses again, and only getting things I absolutely need for a while. The new clothes (Well, newish from Goodwill) I was planning on getting will have to wait a bit longer. And I'll prolly have to go back to that whole eat every two-four days bit I was doing before. I know it's not good, so you don't gotta yell at me, but you gotta do what you gotta do. And I'm not gonna go mooching off people.

I'm also strongly considering finally starting up commissions. I just gotta work out the pricing. I'll prolly do something on the lines of the prices I was thinking about previously, but I wanna have it spelled out in such a way that there's no confusion on anything. Because I can do that very easily. =P I can't really count on them being a significant source of income, but every little bit helps. If you wanna give me some commission advise, please feel free to do so.

I'm hoping the whole sewage leak thing's just some random leaking pipe that will be a quick and easy fix, but the way things are going, I gotta make sure I'm always planning on the worst case scenario possible. And maybe one day, I'll actually be able to catch up with myself. -_-

~Kyetsu

Apparently, my right foot is slowly crippling itself. I have no idea what's causing it, but it's quickly getting worse and the problems are coming up more frequently. At any given moment, and without any warning or "trigger" that I can think of, it will do any (or a combination of) of the following:

* The tendons of the ankle feel like they're about to or have torn, but I can tell they haven't since I still have use of the foot, and it eventually goes away. (Though I'm usually limping for a bit while the pain is there.)

* The bones running down the top of the foot develop sharp pains, and almost feel like something crushed them. But like the ankle issue, I still have use of the foot, and it goes away on it's own after a while.

* The arch of my foot will have severe pain, much like the crushed feeling on top, but coming from the bottom instead.

* The entire sole of my foot will hurt, and often has the same torn tendon feeling as my ankle.

* Either the ankle alone or the entire foot will swell, even though my left foot's a normal size. (Maybe a little puffed up if I'd been on my feet all day, but I still consider that "normal" for me.)

* The toes will bend backwards on their own, with severe pain going from my ankle to the toes. Possilbly a muscle spasm, but I can't figure out why it's doing that at random.

Most of my right leg is pretty screwed up as it is. I injured the knee twice, and the second injury not only caused subsequent hip problems, but also left the muscles of my right leg weaker than the muscles on the left one. But it still pisses me off that I seem to be losing my foot as well. And it's made more irritating with the fact that I can't figure out why it's happening. I know I've been doing an eff-ton of work, and being -1 vehicle means I do a lot of walking, but my left leg isn't having even slight problems. It's only on my right, and they're severe problems.

Foot issues suck when you spend a lot of time on your feet...

~Kyetsu

So for the past two nights in a row, I've been getting out of work at about 10:30 or so. I call a ride ahead of time, but said ride's usually not there by the time we're heading out the door. But instead of making sure I get a ride to get home alright, everybody, manager and coworkers included, run to their cars and take off.

That leaves me alone, at 10:30 at night, in Prices Corner, for a good twenty minutes until my ride gets there. That might not seem like much, but it's an eternity when you're alone in an area where you can get stabbed to death if you're alone for ten seconds. It was the same assistant manager closing both nights, and he didn't even think twice to leave without making sure his employees got home alive.

And people wonder why I say I'm abandoned all the time...

~Kyetsu

I'm tired of being such a huge burden to everyone. And before anyone replies with "No, you're not", I'd like to state for the record that yes, I am.

Things come up in life that you need to ask someone to help you with. Something that person has sufficient skills to fix the problem that you don't. Normally, you know that even though you couldn't solve that issue on your own, there's skills and whatnot that you have that can "pay back" the help that someone else gave you.

I lack these "skills and whatnot". I've gone through an entire list of things that I'm actually able to do, but with each one, I can think of at least 20 people that can do the exact some thing, only infinitely better than I ever can. So nobody will come to me for help, when they've got all these other people that can get it done right, or at least a whole lot better. And when things go wrong while I'm being helped, it's not-so-subtly implied that it's my fault that things aren't going right, I never should have asked for any help, and I should feel horrible that I did anyway.

I know that there's a lot of people who would rather have me go away and never bother them again. And I'm getting to the point that I'll prolly end up doing just that. It's about the only thing I can do that can make someone else happy. Relationships of any kind involve give and take, and I have nothing else to give other than just leaving and not being there anymore.

~Kyetsu

So, after much inspecting and searching, we found out that my truck will NOT be fixed in the near future. Not only do the bearings need to be replaced, but the entire hub was apparently damaged, and either needs to be rebuilt or replaced. The parts are relatively cheap, but getting the parts where they need to go is a different story. I have to get it to someone who knows exactly what they're doing, preferably someone who works with cars on a regular basis.

So, for now, it's sitting in the driveway until:

A) I can get it to an auto shop (Can't afford it)

B) Get a new vehicle altogether (Definitely can't afford it, and I'd hate to do that when it's less than $200 for parts)

or

C) Find someone (or someone who knows someone) that would be willing to help me fix it.

If anybody can help me with that last one, lemme know.

~Kyetsu

Since I'm on a computer with access to it, I'm rediscovering the fun that is Second Life. If you're on there, keep an eye out for someone named Kyetsu Enyo. You might know her. ^_^

Eventually, I gotta tweak my appearance so I look a little better than my current look.

~Kyetsu

DISCLAIMER: Dispite how this might sound, this is not some "Everyone will be happy if I was dead" entry. This is only an observation of people around me. But I'm aware that it can be misconstrued as "Everyone wants me to die", especially when previous journal posts I've had in here are taken into account.

That said, I've been noticing for a while now that a lot--if not most--people I see and hang around on a regular basis are giving me subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) hints that they don't really want me around. They're avoiding places they know I'll be at, even when they previously loved going there. Once I join in the group, they suddenly have things "come up" that keeps them from going.

If I try to have a conversation with people, they try to end it as quickly as possible, even if it means cutting me off two words in and moving on to someone they actually want to chat with. All else fails, I just get ignored until they find some excuse to walk away.

They act like we're best friends, but at the same time, they keep me as far away from them as possible. I might get noticed by someone who needs something from me, but if I don't have any use to them, I get a metaphorical pat on the head, then I get brushed aside.

It's the same thing in every group of people I join: Everyone disassociates themselves from me one after the other, until I have no choice but ot leave the group. And I see that happening once again in this group I'm in now. I'll prolly have to leave this one pretty soon. Better than annoying everyone, I guess.

~Kyetsu

I just found out that between the two jobs I work at, I have a total of 54 hours next week. I'm not sure how I'm gonna do it, unless I get a lot of coffee. =P I have a feeling that one job's overscheduling, since it's back-to-school season, so I might get a call of two this week to tell me that I'm suddenly off some of those nights.

But still, that an effin' lot of work. >.<

And no, none of it is overtime.

~Kyetsu

...that I prolly won't survive until the end of the year.

Yes, I realize that I'm being disturbingly blunt about that, but that's the way things are looking right now. I've been getting random light-headedness and the occasional chest pain, which gets worse while I'm at work. And without any kind of insurance or money to spare to see a doctor, there's not much I can do about it.

And it doesn't help that people at work refuse to listen to me when I tell them that I'm stressed and health having issues because if it. They pretend to listen, then go off and talk to each other about how I'm so dumb that I think that I'm having heart problems, but I prolly just have gas or something.

Because as we all know, I'm a total retard, and therefore not human enough to feel emotion or know what health problems really are.

~Kyetsu

There's people in this world that were just not made to be anything. People who have nothing to give to help another person. They have nothing to live for except to be a random object, a tool to be used as others need them. Then they're tossed aside like trash when they're used up. These people have no hope of their situation ever changing, because, well, that's all they're here for, anyway.

I happen to be one of those people.

~Kyetsu

My mother's well aware that it's back to school season at work, and I've been pulling a lot of late nights. She's also aware that I worked until after 11:00 on Saturday. She knew all of this before agreeing to give me a ride home last night. So, needless to say, I was a bit irritated when I called her to tell her we were almost ready, this conversation happened:

Mother: Can't you get someone else to take you home?
Me: Not really.
Mother: I really don't feel like going down there to take you home.
Me: Well, I gotta get home somehow.
Mother: Can't you call that guy that took you home on Saturday?
Me: He's most likely asleep at this point.
Mother: Well, wake him up!
Me: I can't suddenly call someone to come down here this late!
Mother: *deep sigh* Fine, I'll come get you.

This prompted a big argument on the way home about how if I can't get someone to go out of their way at 11:00 at night, and on a two second notice on top of it, then they obviously aren't friends, and I shouldn't have anything to do with them. I tried arguing the point that even if I could call someone, they would have to get ready to leave their house and come get me, which would mean that I'd be sitting outside of work in the middle of the night for at least half an hour until they got there. She just told me that I'm "not making sense", and just ignored anything I said after that.

After all, who needs logic these days?

~Kyetsu

I really should do something about my Wikifur page, and how plain it is. But I don't know how to edit it myself, and even if I did, I don't really have anything special to add.

Maybe if I can actually do something of importance in the furry community, I can earn a better page than "She's a fox furry living in Newark" and "She has a webcomic". Doubt I can do that anytime soon, though.

~Kyetsu

I just don't feel like dealing with things. I'd rather just stay at home alone and sleep for a long while. But there's things to do and work to go to so I can pay the bills, so it's up tomorrow for another day of dealing with life.

I just had to get that out of my system so I can at least get to sleep tonight...

~Kyetsu

I really didn't feel like getting up this morning. I don't know why I finally did, actually. Because lately, I've just wanted to give up. Give up talking to people, give up trying to be somebody in a place nobody cares I even exist, give up everything and not have to deal with it anymore.

Too bad the world doesn't work that way.

~Kyetsu

Ever since I got involved in the furry community around here, I've wanted to organize a meet somewhere. As time went on, I actually started thinking about what kind of meet I'd like to do. Eventually, I came up with the idea of "Furries Conquer X", where the "X" is wherever we're going at that particular moment. So, we'd end up with "Furries Conquer Beck's Pond", or "Furries Conquer Delaware Park". If we're really bold, maybe "Furries Conquer the Food Court". =3 I even started a list of activities we could do at those places, depending on whether we were gonna be indoors or outdoors.

But then I realized that no matter how much I want to do it, I can't really get people to gather in one place for a meet. I tried some small meet-ups, just to try out the idea of starting one, but they all ended up in loads of fail that nobody wanted to take part in. The fact that I'm not a big name in the community (Hell, I'm not even a small name in here...I'm rarely acknowledged by anyone at all...) doesn't help in that department at all.

And then I had to consider the consequences of doing this on any sort of regular basis, be it monthly, bimonthly, or whatever. Mostly because I'd basically be competing with Furbowl as a regular meet, and I don't want to do that. Especially now that it's gotten to be such a huge meet. It's bad enough that I'm nothing of importance in the furry community...I don't want the only time I'm noticed around here to be as "That chick that thinks she can out-do Furbowl", even though that won't be the case at all. It doesn't matter what I'm thinking...It's what others assume that I'm thinking.

So, in the end, I just gave up on the whole thing. As fun as it seems to be to run a meet, it's just not meant for me. It would just be to much trouble and planning for something that nobody's gonna go to anyway. -_-

~Kyetsu

I gotta stop this whole not eating for two or three days at a stretch, and then having one small meal. Research suggests that this is not a good idea.

~Kyetsu

Various things I'm reading this morning keep reminding me that I'm not important around here in the slightest. I'm not talking about that random "Would you care if I died" thing I posted last week, but just the fact that I don't have anything useful to give anyone. If people are planning a get-together, I have nothing to give to help out. If someone needs help with anything, I have no skills that can even be the slightest help to them.

Why the hell do people want me around when I'm no use to anybody?

~Kyetsu

My mother seems to really like showing me how much better my siblings are than me. Anytime I mention anything happening in my life, she doesn't even let me finish a sentance before cutting me off about one of my brothers' or sisters' accomplishments, and how they're so superior to me in every way imaginable.

The worst part is any time I mention art or friends. If I talk about how I'm trying to do commissions for people, or even if she sees me drawing, she tells me about how one sister is selling all these amazing paintings, and how the other sister's a tattoo artist, and both of them are so much more talented at drawing than I ever will be.

If I tell her that she won't hear from me on a particular day because I'm going out with friends, she immediately changes the subject to my brother and how he's gonna be this big-time celebrity, and how he's had his picture taken with all these famous people, and how I'll never get that popular EVAR!

One of many, many things listed under "Reasons I want to put away the pencils and hide in the corner for the next eternity".

~Kyetsu