This is just a writing/thought exercise for myself - a collection of my personal thoughts regarding my characters. What they mean to me, what I think they represent of myself, what I hope to do with them in the future or whatever else I might come up with.

Kyowai (Dranth/Space Bear/The Sona)
I've got a lot of thoughts with the ol bear, but they're scattered thoughts.

I came up with the name for my 'sona when I was an edgy teenager - I was about 17 years old (25 years ago, oof) and I was playing Rival Schools at a friend's house. The character Hyo was my favorite (remember, edgy teen) and one of his supers involved him saying something I didn't fully understand or hear correctly, but it sounded cool. Me, being the edgy teenage weeb I was, adopted this misheard phrase as my online moniker: Kyowai.

The character has gone through a ton of changes over the years. From being a black/white furred demon/displacer beast with wings to then having a weird tail maw, then a bear, then finally the version that is here today.

So, that's all to say that Kyowai is quite the accurate representation of myself. I've always felt ... alien. Even at a young age, I always fantasized while looking up at the sky that a mothership would come down to take me "back home". I never found friend groups that I connected with, let alone having connection with my own family. I tried touching on this through therapy, but while recognizing the core thoughts around it, I have never really figured out how to "fix" this emotional apathy.

At least I have a neat 'sona out of it, I guess.

42.

Quite the unassuming number. I still have no idea how I am going to live the rest of my life, though I have some ideal goals.

Hopefully I'll find a place I can truly call home, some day.

He put his heart and soul into this site, that's for certain. I always felt saddened by how much he struggled with keeping this little corner of the Internet supported; hopefully that stress didn't contribute to his passing, but I can't imagine it helped.

The US healthcare system is a fucking criminal organization.

Annual journal, I guess.

Ain't much to say here. Still alive, still employed, still by my lonesome.

Yup, I got one.

https://bsky.app/profile/kyowai.bsky.social

No invite codes yet, but feel free to follow me if you're there!

Yup, hit the big 40 today.

I don't plan on it being a big deal, but looking back on when I turned 30, quite a lot happened. I like to think I grew, and in some ways I did.

Many ways I did not. Not what I'd have liked to have grown, anyway.

I'm still disappointed? Frustrated? That I cannot form any lasting connection with anyone. Friends come and go, rarely keeping in touch. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I'll know such bonds are always temporary, and I never want to make an effort.

Maybe I've just been hurt too many times.

Anyway.

I do have some hopes. I hope to establish my own business when I'm 45, or the right opportunity comes along. I hope to exercise more, so my coming years aren't so harrowing. I hope to expand myself creatively somehow.

Here's hoping each day is better.

One more month and I'll be turning 40.

Woof.

Not sure what to do for that.

Looking to see about commissioning a new reference.

Anyone that's good with chubbier/bara male characters preferred. Any suggestions welcome!

39.

Woo.

Been in the mood to do an ongoing story/campaign the 'sona, his Type-10, and whomever else might want to ferry along on some sort of adventure.

Not sure what the story would be involving, or if it might even involve some sort of tabletop setting play? Been bouncing the idea around in my head.

Check it out!
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/45450612/

After living just over a decade in the South Bend area, after having nearly a decade long job ended due to a global pandemic, in where I lost my grandmother, my father and one of the sweetest cats I've ever been blessed with, I finally have a new job and a new path forward.

I'll be moving to an apartment in Indianapolis for the next 13 months as I transition into my new job as a project engineer for a company that designs and builds high performance engine cooling systems, a bit of a change from my previous job working on jet engine fuel control systems. The last job was ... interesting, but ultimately rather soul crushing, as the majority of projects were just to maintain production and look to make things cheaper (often by bullying the supply base, which was awful).

The apartment is in the heart of the Monon Village, where I hope to sort of reinvent myself - I am tired of being reclusive and extremely introverted. Hopefully this forces me to change a little in that regard.

Now to stuff everything I own into boxes...

I have a few goals going into this year.

Get into an exercise routine.
Develop a skill or two - drawing, or whatnot.
Clean more.
Say 'I love you' more.

That last one is from a rather depressing revelation. Last week, barely a few days after I 'spoke' with my father - texted, really - I found out that he had passed away suddenly while walking his dog. He was 68 years old. He had suffered through abusive parents, abandonment, severe depression, and barely spoke more than a few words to me or my brother, likely out of fear he would be as awful a father as his was. I can't say he was the 'best' father, but he was my father. As his widow put it - he loved us as much as he could.

I would like to try and ensure that 'as much as I could' is something I improve upon. Depression is an ugly, suffocating monster that tells you 'you have done enough' - 'that is the best you will ever do'. It tries to hinder you, keep you 'comfortable' while slowly smothering you under the weight of inaction.

I don't fault my father at all. I don't think he'd want to be pitied, either. He was a very damaged man who did try his best to fight his demons.

I have my demons to fight. I will try to fight them better, if for my late father's sake.

Probably one of the worst.

I lost my job, though I had been looking to move on from it for a while. I've been looking for new work for months, and hopefully after next week's interview I may have a job I'm actually excited to have.

I lost my baby boy, my lovable orange tabby cat, Pava. There was no silver lining here - he was the most loving, spoiled, personable daddy's boy who always wanted to be by my side, in my lap, cradled in my arms. Cancer took him quickly, though I constantly question myself if I couldn't have acted quicker. Maybe I could have saved him. The pandemic made getting into a vet almost impossible, though.

I've lost neighbors to this virus. I've lost family to their obstinate belief in conspiracy and an inability to emphasize.

I fear I may lose close friends to depression.

I hope to not.

Hope is a hard thing to find, these days.

Just wanted to push that last journal off from the top of the pile.

I got Pava's paw print from the vet. Dust is being spoiled as much as ever, getting wet food nearly every day and I'm letting her tuck herself in under my sweatshirt while I job hunt or game. She purrs like crazy when I let her do it.

I've stopped enjoying alcohol entirely. It just makes me feel tired and depressed. So that's a good thing, I suppose?

Now if the job market will stop putting every position I apply for on hold due to this stupid ass political nightmare theater...

I am very fortunate in my life.

I have a family that is supportive. That helped me through the moments of life where I was at my worst, helped me succeed and grow.

I have a warm home. I have friends. I have wonderful pets that always bring me cheer.

One of them had to leave today.

Pavarotti, or Pava for short, was a lovable, vocal orange tabby cat that I met when he was barely big enough to fit in the palm of my hand. Among his siblings, he sought me out, crawled his way into my lap and into my heart. He was often remarked as a "little me", taking after my mannerisms, never leaving my side for long, and always loudly proclaiming when I was home or when he wanted my attention and affection. He was, by all sakes and purposes, a fragment of my very self.

Cancer snuck into him all too sudden. Even though he struggled to breathe, he still sang proudly for me, always forced his way into my lap, always snuck in by my side at night.

Even though he could barely stomach his food any longer, even though he labored to do much more than just perch in his soft spots on my bed, on my couch, on my lap, he always seemed to do it happily. Always cherishing each pet, each scritch, each second he was with me.

The veterinarian told me today that while his body seemed okay now, it was only a matter of time before the cancer in his body would slowly suffocate him.

I said my good byes. I told him I loved him. I said I was sorry I could not do anything more. He gave one last meow, nuzzled my hand, and then I had to leave. I couldn't watch my baby boy die. I couldn't bear the thought of seeing his normally cheery, wobbly self go still and stiff.

As I sit here, my only remaining pet cat Dust sitting in my lap, I hope he understood that I couldn't watch him pass away. Part of me feels like a coward. Terrified that he would slip away, wondering where I was, why I couldn't protect him as the light faded.

He's gone.

And a part of me went with him.

After 9 years of working with my current employer, my involuntary request for reduction in force (that's such a mouthful) was accepted and I will no longer be working for them come the next week.

To be honest, I've been searching for an opportunity to leave amiably for a good while now - while I am enamored with aerospace and the incredible concepts behind how the most powerful jet engines function, the fact that the vast majority of my work revolved around military applications and mind numbing amounts of failed and/or asinine "improvements" (i.e. making things cheaper for no other benefit), it was soul draining to say the least.

Thankfully, I've a sizable safety net and a severance to assist me in pursuing the next step in my career. Here's hoping I find an opportunity that inspires me to have some desire to engage in my work...

I need pears for my pear shaped ass, lmao.

Friend code: 4968-3469-2186

Two weeks unpaid leave.
Cancelled merit increase.
10% pay cut for the rest of the year.

Not a fun time to be an aerospace engineer.

Made it to 37, my favorite number~

I made a journal last year looking for landscape artists and still haven't had much luck.

Really looking for someone(s) for some atmosphere and scenery pieces, preferably indoor or village exterior shots.

Little late for crimmus, but here's to all y'all having a great end of the year.

It's been a wild one for sure.

Or after BlizzCon is over, I am going to be on the hunt for a reference artist.

One that will be willing to bounce ideas back and forth, tell me if I'm being a dummy and my artistic choices are silly, and one that isn't afraid to let the thicc be ridicc.

Suggestions are welcome. Price isn't a huge concern.

Heading down tomorrow for the entire weekend - I have no idea what I'm doing and I will probably be wandering like a dingus every day.

It'll be great!

Looking for fantasy landscape / architectural artists. Any suggestions are welcome - I might look into other sites, but I'm not very knowledgeable in where to look..