I have, over the course of 1 year and 8 months, struggled with this thing we like to call life. A struggle that involves knowing myself, and who truly cares about me. The feeling of being wanted and shown that, even at my worst I am wanted. There are people who have proven that, at the very height of my pain, a pain that had been deep seated and growing even far before that time.

I had believed, for the longest time, that friendship required me to constantly be on the ball with people. Reaching out, and doing anything and everything that could make someone else happy. Reeling them back in and helping when they suddenly leave, making sure they are truly happy and not just scared. Making sure they are never left alone because, for most of my life, I spent it alone to myself, even if it wasn’t obvious to others in person or online. I have been left on my own many times, and I have found that, in the end, people want people to care for them even if it means following them into the darkness and dragging them out fighting tooth and nail against the very daemons that seek to claim them.

When I figured out what the term ‘Gaslighting’ meant, after so many years of suffering under people who thought my kindness was a tool to use and twist, it revealed something I had never expected. I felt like many people had simply been using me for gains I never noticed. Because I could write, because I brought other people around, because my friends were what they were after, or any number of things. When my use was up? They were gone faster than fresh donuts left in a work break room. I was always left trying to figure out who was truly a friend and who wasn’t.

When my world was torn asunder, and I left a terrible situation, encouraged by many people to follow my heart? Where were they? The people I had fought for, had dueled the beasts for, had sought to bring light and joy even when they tried to shove me away? They’d not come, at least not many of them. My mind only sunk further into the dark as I felt confused, wondering why some people didn’t come to hang out, why they seemed more distant now that I left?

I wanted to reach out, but I started to grow a fear of it. Hesitant at the answers I feared I’d learn, that in the end they truly didn’t care and that, they too were just using me like others had. That in the end, no matter how much I wrote, how much I talked, no matter how much I defended, and protected, and spat words back at people who tried to twist lies about them; that in the end my very friendship didn’t matter.

Then, I became informed, months and months later, that they hadn’t reached out because they thought I needed space.. Space, the very thing that I had loathed and feared, had made sure people understood how much I despised it, how much it hurt me. Yet, none felt the courage to squash these rumors of ‘Needed Space.’ Instead my self doubt grew in ways that even I didn’t comprehend just yet. It was a negative entity that spoke into the depths of my mind and reminded me of all the things that had happened up until this point. How in the end, I felt like, unless I put more effort than the other, I’d never be worthwhile to keep around.

Further still, my darkness grew and grew due to a mixture of mental issues that were coming back from my past; Depression, Imposter Syndrome, and other lesser issues. So I was encouraged, despite my fears, to get some help. When I finally got the courage, I sought help over the phone and spent my time talking and rambling about my feelings and something was recommended. That I let go of those who I feel hurt by, and if they truly care? They would return and seek answers. It seemed simple enough, but I wasn’t sure, so I talked it over with them longer, and spent the time debating it with myself. So I finally did it, at the encouragement of people that I had spent several years of my life bonding with, someone that I had sought help from, and my own partner.

When I finally did it, enacted what was encouraged by many people, when I finally thought I’d see the truth? I was instead, yet again betrayed by my own hopes and dreams as even more people sought to leave me to fend for myself in the darkness. That I needed space when they were the ones I confided in so much about how little space I need if I am not outwardly saying it. I suppose in some sense it could have been my fault, for following the advice of others, and working my way through these trying times. Perhaps it could have been my fault for not spelling it out, even to people that’d try and mediate but wouldn’t truly help.

In the end what had happened is my thoughts on friendship were only cemented by my pain and those that would seek to remedy it without condition, and those that would seek to always be right and never in the wrong.

True friends will always fight through hell and back to make sure friends are okay. They are honest, they are trustworthy, and when they are on your mind you try. You listen to their pains and when their fears are known, you never give them a second to feel those fears even if they make mistakes, even if you think for one moment that they might not want you around. You have no idea how someone near you might feel like a burden, how they might want you around and never truly know how to express themselves.

Friendship is a two way street, you must give as equally as the other, and when only one is truly giving they will eventually feel like they are no longer wanted. That is the time when your actions will either heal someone… or put that final crack in their heart. The longer that crack is left unhealed, the harder it is to fix until someone else comes along and replaces that crack with gold like the Japanese use Kintsugi to fix porcelain.

I never really expected to write so much on how I feel and how I have felt. How I feel betrayed and hurt more than people will ever know by what many consider cowardice, and others may consider abuse. Even the most subtle bit of gas lighting and harm can bring about the biggest damage.

What I seek from this point on is to heal myself. To do the very thing people have told me to do, and yet stopped me from doing. I seek to make myself happy, and do things for myself. I will continue to build my life forward, and bring about happiness in people that have always sought to bring the best and happiest out of me. Know that, those who continue to be my friend and never give me moment to waver, will have me fighting by their side and for them tooth and nail, even if I have to become like Trevor Belmont and fight Death Himself to bring you back to the light.

Some Wizard Rules (and their books from Sword of Truth) that no matter what people say, are very much true. And while I can give examples of people and their actions, it is not my place, for this has always been my guide, even if I have drifted from it.


People are stupid. They believe things mainly because they either want them to be true or fear them to be true. (Wizard's First Rule)
Harm can result from good intention. (Stone of Tears)
Passion rules reason. (Blood of the Fold)
There is Magic in sincere Forgiveness, both in forgiveness received and given. (Temple of the Winds)
Mind people's actions over words. (Soul of the Fire)
Only allow reason to rule you. (Faith of the Fallen)
Life is the future not the past. (Pillars of Creation)
Deserve victory. (Naked Empire)
Contradictions cannot exist. (Chainfire)
Ignoring the truth is betraying yourself. (Phantom)
Embrace life, Strength without hate.(Confessor)
Truth cannot be destroyed. (Omen Machine)
There have always been those who hate, and there always will be. (Severed Souls)
In this world everyone must die. None of us has any choice in that. Our choice is how we wish to live. (Warheart)

( https://sot.fandom.com/wiki/Wizard%27s_Rules )
In the end, I am not even sure what I wished to accomplish with this, having put it off for many days because I was uncertain I wanted to share my feelings. Though, some say it makes me strong to let my feelings free. I know it’ll never fix the damages others caused me or that I may have caused others. I know I can only move forward and keep my arms open for when people are willing to reach out. I already forgave everyone that’s caused me pain, because keeping resentment is a waste of energy, energy I need to use on myself.

Life is a fleeting prospect. We are born to grow and die, and what separates us from the other creatures is our ability to make attachments. These attachments can become a strength for an individual, but at the same time.. they can become a curse, a weakness that is exploited by those who don't care or don't know how to care for another being. I have been on that end, exploited by my family, and by many people I considered friends. When you go through life, you don't want to be the only person reaching out and trying to instigate conversation. If you are the only one reaching out, then you are the only one that truly cares where it goes, and life is too short to be the only one to care is it not? I spent so much of my time hoping and praying, that by the end I have developed a fear of relationships outside my partner, and a very miniscule amount of others. Friends worry me, family, pets, etc. It's a plague I do not wish upon anyone, and its a plague so easy for another person to give to another.

I think, at the end I'd rather have passed through this life than continue to be forgotten by those who claim to care so much. I can only take so many false positives before my heart has a hard time determining who is gas lighting and who isn't. Even when it feels genuine, I oft feel like I'm not worthy or good enough, so the response my heart gives is 'Let them go. If they care, they will come back, and if they come back it was meant to last.' So many times this has been broken by people who want a fleeting friendship or someone to rebound on. Especially with all these growing dark days that loom over us with politics, war, religion, etc. At this point, I don't think I'll have the time to recover like I desire, but in this fleeting life, I 've at least given it my all, and someone somewhere appreciates the care I gave.

Lately, I've been in a huge weird sink of pain, and I've spent so much time trying to figure out where it has come from. It turns out.. friendship is a double edge sword and one can only put so much effort into it before it starts to feel...wrong. I saw people more closely than I often let myself. People I'd consider family and more get too close to my heart, and I'd do anything and everything I could for a while but when I realized it was all one sided, and I was the only one reaching out even when I was busy? It became a problem.

Yet this is a trap i've fell into time and again, and each time I feel a fool because I'll ignore them maybe even unfriend them with the thought process of 'If you love them, let them go, if they love you, they'll come back' only to realize that doesn't work with people anymore. Especially online. Its a game of 'if I cannot see it, it doesn't exist' and I'm definitely more forgettable than I would like to be. What makes it all worse is when they notice and don't say anything because they do not wanna cause issues. Bitch, if you'd say something then issues would be solved!

But that's just a bunch of crap I doubt anyone would care to read. I put too much care into others and they soak it all up and cast it aside like it means nothing. All those 'you are a good writer,' or 'oh I love your characters' translates to just biding time till someone better comes along. I get it, but why does it have to happen? Why are people so...uncaring heh. I doubt this will be read but its a good half vent till I can figure out my thoughts.

Depression and Anxiety, something everyone deals with from time to time, but to tack on a bit of Imposter’s Syndrome among other issues tends to create something I tend to call my Shadow. This looming presence that I often desire help ignoring and defeating, but like all things, help rarely comes. As someone who loves to write and create, nothing hurts worse than people saying they love your work, but not actually showing genuine interest or if they do, it is fleeting. People who say they desire to see more out of you, or write with you but days...weeks...months go by without a single mention of it again.

This is where the Shadow tends to kick in, isn’t it? Tell me I’m not good enough, I’m going to bother people if I talk first, and that they just don’t want me to talk to them anymore. So I grew nervous and anxious and years ago it put a writer's block on me that still exists today. I am told to just write things out anyway and that it will come to me, but people don’t understand that when I try to write things out, the keys and hand never move.

So to try and break that silence in my head, I grew more into DMing and Story Building with others, but what resulted was years of gaining groups I feel happy and comfortable with, just for them to scatter into the wind with very individual exceptions for people that stuck around...some if only barely. People who tell me I’m amazing at writing but don’t talk more, people who say they love me and want me around but ...only talk when I am doing what THEY want instead of what WE want. People who show excitement only because I’m working on something THEY are interested in, even if it’s a fleeting joy for me.

Every group that falls, and every person that leaves from my life, or sits on the sidelines only to say hello every rare occasion, adds more feeling of dread and worthlessness. I get many of them don’t realize it, but I realize many of them don’t think more than two seconds and a dick stroke ahead of themselves. The problem with long term thinking is you see the roads and paths before everyone else does. I’ve had people tell me they are interested in my works and want to Roleplay in my setting, but when the options come up? They completely sideline it and say no more, but they are so eager to have me join in their work without realizing the actual pain that comes with it.

There is more though, I think what hurts are the ‘Pets’ I’ve had over the Decade of my life. The ones that will be there short term, those that leave because I am trying to help them get out of bad situations, or those that leave because they simply do not care about me the way I care about them. I take the title of Master & Pet very seriously, and was trained during a stint at a BDSM group while I was homeless my second time in life. The pain of wanting to put my very soul into others I care for, is a lot like someone slowly carving you up while you still breathe. After a while you grow numb.

People never want to see the signs, or never want to help with them. Most people are selfish and focus on themselves. Am I selfish? A little, I know that, because I want to hoard people together and make them feel good. I want to show them what I can be, and introduce them to new settings and new ideas. To Enjoy this VERY SHORT life we have on this world. Instead, what I get is a Shadow that looms over my shoulder, even as I write this out.

I don’t want pity..I want help. I want someone to stand next to me to prop me up when I am down, even if I go against it. I want people who will persistently talk to me when they can and make sure I am okay. I want friends, who see me disappearing, to stop me, to try and rope me back into the world of the living instead of just watching me sink into quicksand. People who don’t require me to go to them, because I can’t. My anxiety prevents it and sometimes I need a guiding hand more than ‘Go say hi to them’. People do not realize the despair and dread that comes with a person’s pain. The way things grow increasingly difficult even with a Partner and a Few friends, it can still be difficult.

I look down at my hands constantly, and I catch myself doing it, asking myself if it’d be easier on others if I wasn’t around. I constantly ask myself if I really add any joy or pleasure to peoples lives. A lot of them say I do, but they never show it, they never follow through with what they think. It’s kinda sad isn’t it? You are so willing to give, but when it isn’t obvious enough for them, they never show back up. You have to go to them, you have to break your comfort and go through an anxiety attack even for just...a single Hello, How are you doing? You never realize that in order to have friends, you can go above and beyond for them when you can, but they will almost never do the same for you.

There are always exceptions, that I understand, but think of it like a scale you place the heart upon. A heart heavy with pain, grief, despair and anxiety will never be lighter than a feather. This world is meant to be a living one, so we should put joy into our lives, I just..wish it was easier. There is so much more I probably could say about supposed friends and pets, about people actually communicating, about people actually showing they care. But after a while, I just start to realize most people are the same as each other.

The One who tries to rule with an Iron fist as bad as the one he left who did the same thing. The Ones who claim they aren’t as bad as people who used your depression as a weapon against you, but they go about it in a different way that they do not realize what they are doing. The pets that always leave or grow distant because ...well pick a reason? Even when you are there trying to help. After a while, the heart grows numb and disappearing becomes easier.

I only really wrote this, because someone encouraged me to write about my feelings. Even with the LARP group I enjoy, and the idea of doing MILSIM airsoft, or building my own stuff for my favorite settings, it seems like a lost cause. It’s hard to even paint the miniatures I get for my hobby. Oh well right? Someone else will take the mantle, they always do.

I am planning on uploading all of the stuff that I haven't uploaded in a long while. Which, frankly, is a lot of stuff. I tend to forget about FA until someone points it out, and now I think I should start using it more. I have so much to post, that I am getting a little anxiety of where to start. Do I start with a specific character, or my setting? Or just go with whatever I have and work down the list. Some of the stuff I don't know the artist because they were gifts, or I have to find linearts again for those that didn't even come with a signature, hah. Its complex and time consuming but I guess if I do at least three a day I will get there right? Who knows!

Plus, it is also confusing what tags should be used and what actually is a tag!

Please take a look at this free Art Raffle, ends soon! Give this amazing artist some love, and take a look here https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35929170/ !!

I have been thinking for a while, between how I want to keep working on what I love, and how I keep trying to figure things out for myself. Friends have been causing fights between each other, and my co-worker not really being what I was hoping he would be, so I've been in a weird slump. Hah, doesn't help I don't have nearly as many people supporting me and guiding me as before.

Still, I've been thinking of stepping back and working through a few concept ideas and posting them up as written ideas with sketches done to help convey what I'm going for, see where they go and what people like. Armor and ships I'm not good at, but I seem to be talented at writing. So that leads me to considering setting up stories on 'Fuck Yeah Humanity' and other related story places, see what people think yeah?

Then, there is this idea of setting up a blog to vent and work on my stuff, though I've always wanted to do a website! With written stories, and sections for people to add their own little touches here and there on things! It'd be a bit of a chore, but what do you guys think? Am I over thinking things? (even though I'm leaving stuff out) Or should I give this a go? I've never tried something like this before!

In all my time of world building and working on great stories and RPG settings, I have always come across one thing that constantly turns me away. It isn't just what affects me, it affects a lot of people and many don't seem to find their way out of it. When you post things that you hope people will see, and realize that not many people look at it, it can be dissuading and cause you to want to stop. I think its one of those things everyone seeks, and that is recognition from their peers and the hope that you will feel as liked as the people they seem to enjoy.

Still, you cannot let that bother you, even when it seems like no one in the world wants to care, remember there is usually at least one or two people who care above all else. No one wants to see you stop doing what you are doing, people want to see you succeed, and most of all you should do it for yourself. Why? Because if you let things stop you, you will never forgive yourself. I have failed twice to get my stuff going, and now I am trying to get it into overdrive to make up for my stupidity and my losses from years ago. The only one stopping you from doing well is yourself, and you should do what it is you love, because you will always do well with something you love. If you cannot make content, seek help, there is always someone that will find things you make fascinating.

At the end of the day though? No one can replace you, and no one can replicate your ideas, and no one can tell you what you do is wrong. Its what you create, and you shouldn't be stopped from doing it. Because one day, even if you are long gone, you never know, someone might come along and pick up where you left off and finish it. Hey who knows though, better keep working at it though.

So I have gotten around to finally posting everything for my Zallan race. Several years ago, this species started out as an edgy shadow creature that formed from the remains of an alien race. Over time though? They became this, a reptilian race I am personally proud of. The feeling of this accomplishment has left his desire in me to keep going with the things I am doing. Two new races are coming to the Selvantian Empire, and hopefully soon the Anthros and the Humans will get written profiles. I have two other possible groups but I don't want to stress myself too much. Tell me what you guys think, share to your friends I'd greatly appreciate it.

Anyway Have a good week and stay frosty!

I am making this journal more as a reminder to myself, but to give a bit of thought on the process of world building. During my time as a Middle School Student, I began to envision various races of creatures after watching things like star trek, star wars, and others. Around the same time, the game Halo was released, and it brought about a whole new set of ideas. Since then I have been pushing forward with various step backs and writers blocks occurring off and on at all times it seemed like. I realize now a lot of it was just bad luck and circumstance rearing its head and telling me to pause and wait. Now here I am, nearly 24 and having another go at it all. I have to admit, that having art helps, but what helps more is having friends to discuss with. Yeah, some will argue about something being impractical, or scientifically impossible, yet pushing through your ideas you can achieve more than just some simple idea that has no basis and seems out of place.

The troubles always seemed to start when I would come up with a new idea, and not finish another idea that I had in place. Often these would contradict each other, and cause more issues than it'd solve. I found that focusing on one idea or the other, completing it and then letting it flow into the next worked a lot more. I have to thank those who have helped me, whether talking with me, sharing ideas, or producing art. The more I discuss the idea and work on it, the more it seems to come steadily along. All I can say to anyone else trying to build a fantastical setting, is to find a few friends and ask them for ideas and help, let your idea blossom like a flower; after all everything good comes with patience and care, something I lacked early on.

Now... if only I could remember to post more up to FA, and I'd be doing fantastic.