So! Uh, wow, it feels weird to finally be writing one of these journals. I never really thought it'd happen, if I'm being honest...

This past weekend was VancouFur 2024, which also happens to have been my first ever furry convention. It's been something of a pipe dream of mine for a while now, but it wasn't until just after MFF last year that I resolved myself to actually make it to one (if only because it was a way to distract myself from the FOMO of so many people I know being there). VF's local for me, literally just a 20-30 minute drive from home, so it's ideal, really.

...Except for the part where I can't drive, am not emotionally resilient enough to deal with public transport, don't know anyone else in the furrydom locally, and still live with my parents, so I had to work up the nerve to talk to them about it and get them to drive me to and from the hotel. Honestly, that first drive was probably the most awkward part of the whole ordeal.

I pulled in on Thursday, getting myself registered by about 1PM. The staff and the attendees I worked up the nerve to talk to were all really helpful and nice, and it was great to be able to just talk to some other furries more openly. For the most part, I just spent a couple hours getting used to the con vibes before heading home.

On Friday, I went in earlier in the day, and managed to have a look around. I picked up a VF 2024 t-shirt from the dealer's den, which was pretty slick, and managed to get selfies with a couple of bird suiters, which has planted the idea of getting a suit in my head something fierce someone please stop me. I also met up with my friend Gira, who was there in his own suit, which was pretty cool! We'd met once a couple years back when I was trying to help him with computer troubles, so it was cool getting to see him again, even if I was too awkward/hard-of-hearing to really converse much.

There was a semi-serious Smash Ultimate tournament going on in the afternoon, which I signed up for, only to wipe out in the first match (it was a four-player free-for-all), lol. I daresay I could've done better if it had been one-on-one matches, but oh well. I also got to talk to a couple of guys about Sonic, since someone was playing SA1 on a Dreamcast there, which was pretty great too. That night they also had an introductory panel on rope bondage, which, well, how could I pass that up~?

On Saturday, I arrived a bit later in the afternoon and joined up with a few folks playing Splatoon 3 in the hallway, since there was a Big Run that weekend. It was great getting to play with people in-person and being able to communicate in-person (I shy away from voice chats pretty strongly due to my anxiety and hearing issues). My Switch's battery was running low, though, so I ended up running home to charge it (as well as getting some sleep, because I didn't get home until around midnight on Friday, yikes).

S'mores were being made on the patio when I got back, so I managed to grab a couple there, and while I didn't really talk much it was still great to just watch people having fun and chatting. The atmosphere's just infectious, it's so nice. After that was the after-dark bazaar, which already had a huge line-up waiting for it over half an hour before opening time. It was a bit too crowded and noisy for me, so while I looked around, I didn't end up getting anything.

I was contemplating going on Sunday as well, but after the past few days, I was just too burnt out to bother, so I stayed home instead - probably for the best, since someone had somehow gained remote access to my computer while I was out on Saturday, which is pretty frightening. I've still got some of the ramifications of that to deal with, but I think most of it's under control now, thankfully (even if my anxiety isn't).

Overall, it was a great time! I'm torn between regretting not attending a con before now, and understanding that I probably wouldn't have been able to cope with it very well before this point in my life. I'm a little frustrated by how much of an obstacle my hearing turned out to be, though - engaging in conversations was next to impossible because I just couldn't focus on what anyone was saying with all the background noise. I've got to do some more research to see if I can find some method for coping with that better...

Hopefully, though, going to VF is the start of something good here! I don't know of any other cons on the west coast here until Howloween in November - does anyone happen to know of any? Not necessarily in the Vancouver area, but even down in the US as well (Washington, Oregon, maybe California)? Something relatively close to home like that. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but the idea of going to MFF and being able to meet some friends in real life is really tempting... except I probably still have to work my way up to that emotionally, hah.

But yeah, overall - good times! At the very least, I'd love to attend Howloween this year as well. Here's hoping! would be a good excuse to make a werewolf kyuu con badge for that matter, lol

At the time of writing this, I'm currently in the registration line for VF 2024! Now that I'm actually here and in line, it's a lot less stressful than I was afraid of it being.

Not sure if anyone watching me is gonna be there, but I hope to see you if you are! I'm wearing a blue hoodie with Kass on the back. Feel free to say hi, but please understand that I've got hearing problems, so be patient with me if I have to ask you to repeat yourself. ^v^;

EDIT: I've returned home for today, but I'm definitely hoping to attend for longer over the next few days. ^v^

happy new year from the west coast!

So... After seeing people talking about going to MFF basically everywhere over the past month-ish, I've decided - fuck it, even if something in the US or out-of-province is outside anything I'm capable of handling right now (anxiety, SPD, etc.), instead of moping at home again, I'm gonna try and make it to Vancoufur in March, come hell or high water.

It's close enough that I think I can manage it. This'll be the first time I've ever gone to a con, so I've got a lot of figuring out and reading up I need to do first, but I also wanted to put the question out there, in case anyone who's watching me here is likely to be attending.

Realistically, I still haven't fully committed to going, but I'd really like to make this happen. Anyone else planning on going? ^v^

yeah so apparently having a birthday go well without something coming up and bringing down my mood is too much to ask for huh
life just has to throw one of those curveballs at me that leaves me feeling totally emotionally drained to the point that the slightest nudge is enough to make me break and start doubting everything again

i'm so fucking sick of this

thanks for all of the birthday wishes, though, i do appreciate them
<3

I wish I could embed images here I'd fill this journal with all the dancing bird gifs I can find

But yeah happy birthday to me~

does anyone else ever feel like they just... can't form meaningful connections with other people
like they're always at arm's length from everyone for one reason or another, even in groups that they're in

i dunno i'm just
really really tired and lonely
tired of feeling like i'm always left out of fun stuff
tired of feeling like i can't actually connect with anyone
tired of feeling like the connections i have made are meaningless when either something happens or when they find someone else
tired of not know how to approach socialization while other people seemingly do it effortlessly
tired of feeling like i'm never going to not be left out for whatever reason (sensory issues, socialization issues, interests/values, whatever)

tired of feeling like i'm the problem all the time
idk
whatever

so i've been hearing about this'un a lot
does anyone know what it's like for artists/writers in terms of content rules, image compression, filesize limits, etc. etc.
i'm curious

...and if it's good i don't suppose anyone has a spare invite? 👀

i'm losing my mind at this latest announcement implicitly saying "yeah minors in vore are okay"

So, uh, yeah. Been seeing a lot of journals from people I watch lately saying they're moving to other sites after this UP 2.7 clarification, and I... can't really say I blame them, considering. There's nothing in my gallery that I would think qualifies as problematic under the new policy - at least, according to common sense rules, but I think this clarification is proof enough that common sense has gone out the window here.

I don't plan on up and leaving FA yet, but I've been setting up profiles in a few other places, and dusting off some old ones - namely, I've been looking at my old Weasyl, SoFurry, and Pillowfort pages that I haven't done anything with in years (if I ever did anything with them in the first place lol), as well as opening up accounts on Itaku and Aethy. I'm also thinking of looking into using Picarto's gallery feature.
EDIT 26-05-2023: I've now added a Cohost link as well!

All of these sites are linked on my linktr.ee page, alongside both my e621 profile and my Twitter account. At this point, though, I'm not sure about using either of those - I don't really have the self-confidence to upload my own stuff to e621 and face the comments there, and I still absolutely loathe Twitter and don't really want to use it.

Having said that, I am considering setting up an art-only Twitter account (if the damn site will let me), and possibly InkBunny.

Look, let me make this clear up-front about IB, m'kay? I don't like cub art either. I don't want to see that stuff if I can help it, and not just because I'm fairly sure it's illegal here in Canada. Explicitly underaged characters in explicit situations just aren't something I want to see, draw, or be associated with. Having said that, as far as I can tell, IB's the second-most popular furry art site after FA (something like >800k users vs. FA's >1.6 million; SF has >400k I think?). I've also seen a few people comment positively on its features compared to FA's (a blacklist! wow!). Also, uh, e621 allows cub too, so it'd be kinda hypocritical of me to write off IB on a content basis when e621 allows it too. I'm an adult who knows how to use a content blacklist; it's more a question of convenience and outreach to me than anything else.

As said, I don't plan on leaving FA just yet. As much as this policy update and staff's handling of it aggravates me, unless something in my gallery ends up being called into question, this place is still the most convenient for me - I know people here, and I'm a bird of habit; while I can't argue that FA's old design is dated in a lot of ways, as someone who grew up with message boards and the like, it's still very comfy to me.

Even if I can't believe there's no blacklist feature in [current year].

nah i'm just kidding i got nothing

I don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said by other people, but, uh, yeah. I can appreciate the intention here, but this approach is just... really not good. It's too vague and open to interpretation and abuse.

like what does "[being] presented as children" or "proportionally/anatomically [representing] a child" even mean
that's just a collection of words you put together

It's long overdue for me to look into setting up an alternate gallery or two, so for what it's worth, I guess - https://linktr.ee/kyuugryphon Good chance I'm going to look into some of these in the near future, particularly SF and Weasyl.

Hooray 2023!!!!! Yeah!

Don't really have much else to say right now, it's 1AM and I should be asleep. My only resolution this year is to try and draw more often, which is my resolution every year that never seems to pan out for some reason.... (It's because I am lazy and can't focus)

But yeah, happy new year!

(Edit: you didn't see anything)

merr chrismas

See title. I've checked Parblo's website, and it says they're not in stock. I've sent an email asking about stock, but just in case - does anyone know where I can either get P03 replacement pen nibs, or know of a good alternative I can pick up off Amazon or something?

Eep, I'm a little late on this. I was trying to think of what to say, and I'm still drawing a blank...!

I'm really flattered people like my art enough to watch me at all, especially considering how infrequently I upload... I know it sounds kinda trite, but really, thank you all. <3

Hopefully I'll have something to upload in the near future, but for now... thanks for sticking around <3

i will draw bondage porn for nitro pepsi

that is all

idk just kinda stream-of-consciousness posting here about something that's bugged me on occasion for a while

so, like... i really don't have much self-confidence, particularly in my art - i feel like it's all too static and i always have trouble with proportions and the like
my social anxiety is also still really, really bad so talking to people is still super hard, especially groups - and i don't really have any that i feel comfortable in at this point, i left the two i had because i couldn't get along with other people there/felt like i was being sidelined but didn't want to cause a fuss, so i usually end up isolating myself anyway apparently
and i don't have a job; the only income i have right now is from disability assistance and i'm very hesitant on spending it because at the moment i can't see myself finding a position where i can sustain myself and be independent/hold a career

this is a really roundabout way of getting to it, but
i... kinda sorta feel pretty crummy sometimes, seeing some people getting a lot of commissions, or gift art or art trades
because i don't have the money, social skills, or self-esteem for any of those and i really don't do well with feeling left out or forgotten

just... kinda lamenting it here, 'cause i really hate how i can be either looking through new uploads or poking my head into streams i sometimes lurk in, see new art of someone's character(s) that i recognize, and just feel my mood drop like a rock
and not because i dislike them or the contents or anything (though i can't say there aren't instances of that, or artists who i don't like taking comms, but i think that just sorta annoys me more than anything else lmao), it's just like - "oh, yeah. other people can do these things."
thinking about it i think it's probably mostly to do with seeing people who are around my age or younger being able to manage stuff like that while i can't

i dunno, maybe that's self-centred of me but i feel kinda crappy about it at the moment
though i think i've also been struggling with dealing with feelings i thought i was over so that probably doesn't help matters, oops lmao

wooooo!!!

ok it's about a week late but whatever
how is it august again already jeez

anyway
this year's been kinda difficult so far, as has this month
but my birthday's on the 28th and i'll be damned if i let things get me down this year
here's to making it a good one 🤘

oh boy! i can't wait to feel unwelcome and severely depressed all month because i'm completely uncomfortable with queer being used as an umbrella term!

i'm really not having a good day today can you tell


EDIT: okay i forgot about disabling comments having a 24-hour cooldown when i made this journal, and i'm still not in a good frame of mind right now

but clarification: self-identifying is cool and if queer is the best fit for you then go for it, i'm not here to tell you that you can't call yourself whatever you want
i just don't like how people use it as an umbrella term for *all* lgbt+ people as a group
it still has all the connotations of a slur to me, and i'm sure i'm not the only one
all it really reaffirms to me is that i don't belong, and as someone who's been suffering from that feeling from most of my life... it sucks

merr chrismas

(working on something really cool here that i'm hoping to put up soon, but it's probably going to be a few hours because i'm not quite done with part of it, keep an eye out though)
EDIT: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/45211619/

Holy hell, I wasn't expecting to see this when I woke up this morning, seeing as it's been forever since I uploaded anything at all (barring that Blazikyuu sketch at the beginning of the month). I'm not sure what to say, except... Thank you all so much! <3

I haven't been doing much drawing at all over the past few months, admittedly - I've mostly been working on a Black Mesa mod, which you can find on the Steam Workshop here. I'm quite proud of what we've accomplished so far with BMS Classic, especially with chapters like On A Rail, We've Got Hostiles, and Surface Tension, so if you've got the game, it'd mean a lot to me if you gave BMSC a try!

Onto more furry-relevant stuff. I ended up binge-watching Ducktales over the past few weeks and have absolutely fallen in love with it, so there's a pretty high chance you'll see fanart of it from me soon. Especially of characters like Graves and Steelbeak, because god dammit I'm weak for big buff bird men.
Also Fenton, because he's adorable and I love him.
I'd also like to do some Pokemon and Zelda stuff at some point again, since bird Pokemon and Rito are always fun.

I also want to do something to thank you folks for sticking around with me, despite all these months of inactivity. Maybe a raffle of some kind, or a bunch of sketches or something. We'll see, once my drawing energy starts to return.

Lastly, All-Nighter. I haven't touched it or Ren'Py in general in quite a while. I know there are a few bugs that need fixing, and I'd like to write up a "100%" guide for it at some point. I'd also like to do more with Ren'Py itself - it's a neat and powerful little engine, and I'd love to just play around with it some more, whether that's for something smutty or something serious. We'll see, I guess!

Thanks again for all the watches, I really appreciate it. Love y'all. <3

What a year, huh? Here's to this year being a better one.

I'd like to make this year a bit more productive as far as art and other things go. We'll see how that goes, I guess!

Love y'all. <3

no i'm not late what are you talking about