Hiiii.

It's a wonder I haven't deleted FA yet. Seems pretty imminent tbh. Too busy with my real life to really check anymore.

Things are amazing! I'm in a fantastic polyamorous relationship, have a few satellite lovers, everything is super consensual and healthy. Finally living in the city that's long owned my heart in a convent-turned-art house, working as a freelance artist. Currently helping one local fine artist create huge mosaic murals that will eventually end up in Florida, another with a wax sculpture that will eventually be cast in glass, and a fellow fx artist in Maryland with a commission for a local performer. I'm about to debut as a burlesque dancer and drag king. I'm being taught sideshow stuff, woodworking glass art, bellydance. I'm producing glass art of my own. I'm living hard, loving harder. My dreams are within reach <3

Hello again, friends. It's been an eternity, it seems. Life got really hectic and unsure there, for a while, and my current smart phone, while fancy and smart and such, is purely touchscreen- not really suitable for making long posts on any sort of social media. I fell out of the loop.

Goodness, by the looks of my last journal, I haven't been on here really active since... last May? Sounds about right. Quick recap: I was facing potential homelessness and the person I considered to be my mentor cut me out of his life after a dumb argument.

I wound up escaping the homeless situation unscathed, with no time spent on the streets. However, I slept in a camping trailer instead, for about a month.

Anthrocon came and went. Lovely time, but things seemed... off. Met some cool friends (Heyyy~ <3).

Life was, for the most part, its normal ups and downs, its normal struggles. Things were pretty hard, but some cool shit happened. Life goes on.

I met a guy. I fell for the guy. Guy turned out to be just like an ex. I left the guy a few weeks ago.

My mentor, my Viking... is back in my life, and our friendship is stronger than ever. He's family. It's because of his encouragement and support that I managed to get my driver's permit, get a car, started trying to get back into shape, and just... am trying to get my life together. My parents still begrudge him for past idiocy. I haven't forgotten, but I've forgiven. To be honest, I can't always figure out why I'm so strongly drawn to him. I know he can't figure it out either. Some people are simply meant to be in your life, I guess.

I have home internet again!!! For the first time in over 5 years. This should -hopefully- signify me returning to the scene as a more active member again... if I ever remember I can interwebs again, that is hahahaha. I'm so used to living without it that I haven't taken as much advantage of it as you'd think. I'm trying to adjust to having access.

I hope everyone is doing well. Feel free to give me updates. Love you all!!!

Basically

My "mentor" is a crazy fuck.

I've been battling potential homelessness.

I haven't slept in my own bed in two weeks because I have had no bed to sleep in.

I fight with my parents all the time.

I got a car.

It immediately broke down.

I can barely afford to eat.

Met a guy, he's amazing but he's a recovering addict so I worry about him all the time, and circumstances make being with him impossible right now so. The foreveralone life continues.

Some of my persistent (read: stalkerish) ex-suitors are being persistent again so I'm nervous all the time.

My life is full of people who only want to fuck me. I don't want fucked. I want loved.

Though, there's more and more evidence that Alex broke me for good. That I'm incapable of falling in love anymore.

I haven't had a much needed face to face talk with anyone because I just have to fix everyone else's problems all the time.

So I've bottled all this up.

I'm at one of the lowest points in my life. Certainly the lowest point since I've quit cutting.

I think about relapsing way too much.

If it wasn't for Mr. Ex-addict's "no more drugs" anniversary being close to my "no more cutting" anniversary, and our subsequent promise to celebrate them together, I probably would have relapsed by now.

Fighting with the two people I rely on most, because they haven't been here despite me needing them and them knowing I need them.

Feels like I have no one.

Except him. And he might never be mine in the way I want.

I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm worn out in every sense of the word. And I'm alone. So very fucking alone.

I've been hanging with a 35 year old warrior -he's career military- who loves comic books, heavy metal and Viking culture. He wants to train me in martial arts and make a proper shield-maiden out of me. Life has been turned upside down but in the most intriguing way. I like that I have the respect of someone so much older. I like that he takes me and my Viking-ness seriously. Things are changing for me.

Things are looking up.

So I am typing this very, very awkwardly right now. I got injured at work and had to clock out early and rush to the ER. :/ Basically, I had to destroy some posters, I was using my trusty knife to do so, annd my hand slipped, resulting in a *very* deep, inch-long gap on my left thumb. It's a very good knife, very sharp and well-kept, so it destroyed me, ha. (The price of treating one's blades well.) I recognized it needed sutured, so I rushed out of the stockroom to where my asst. manager was, and showed him and told him I thought I had to go to the hospital. He told me to go to the bathroom and wrap it in paper towels -in my haste I hadn't grabbed anything to mop up the blood, only used my other hand as a stopper- which I then did. By that time the blood was running down my wrist and through the spaces between the fingers of both hands. It got everywhere. >.< My boss actually had to throw customers out and lock the store until we got the blood cleaned up. He refused to let me help clean, which I thought was bollocks, but I guess made sense since I had to keep pressure on my wound. Still... It was my mess. My bro came to my rescue, cause Dad was out of town and Mom & sister worked. By the time we got to the hospital I was shaking nonstop, from shock, blood loss, or nerves, I cannot tell.

Side note: My anxiety kicks in over the tiniest things yet in real emergencies, I am oddly calm and cool-headed. I always somehow manage to hold off panicking until after the fact. -.-

Dad met us at the ER. I ended up with only 3 stitches, but they kept popping out/ripping at first so the doctor had to do them 3 or 4 times before they were deep enough to hold. I have a huge ass splint on my thumb as well, because the wound is on the joint and if I bend my thumb at all (at least for the next few days) they'll just rip again. So not only am I trying to cope with a brutal cold, but now my left hand is essentially useless due to inability to use my thumb (I'm literally leaving my Mjölnir pendant on 24/7, something I don't normally do, out of fear I won't be able to put it back on if I take it off). And I'm in pain. So much pain. It's been ages since I've gotten a wound bad enough to need stitches. I'd forgotten how miserable an experience it is.

I am a very crabby Viking as a result.

*However*

Despite this, some good things happened today.
*My red circle lenses came this morning so I now have Dazz eyes. In fact, I got compliments from the ER doctor on my different-colored eyes. XD
*A friend randomly gifted me a pair of his old army fatigue pants since mine are falling apart.
*I came home from the ER to discover a TeeFury shirt my mom ordered me -Lucy from the Lego movie as Rosie the Riveter- had arrived during the day.
*Humorously enough, after my wife gave me monster bandaids for my knuckles a few weeks ago, I decided I wanted cute bandaids of my own, and bought skeleton covered ones online. They were also here when I got home- just in time to cover my hideous thumb wound, when I can finally stop wearing the splint. That timing...

That's... pretty much it.

Hopefully I'm going to sleep and forget this pain for a while...

Goodnight loves.

~Lani/Dazz

I knew from the beginning how the story would end. She was beautiful, with piercing blue eyes and a smile that would stop any heart. Her curves were abundant but perfect for her. From the moment my gaze locked with those icy blues, I was hooked.

It's funny how years of friendship can roll by in secret tension. Both parties holding a secret adoration for the other. Neither side saying a word. Years roll by and opportunities fade into nothingness. Years roll by and you're left choking on your own stupid regrets.

Imagine my surprise when she at last expressed interest- in me, of all people. Imagine my incredulousness. She was too good to be true. People like her... are always beyond my reach. Always.

But there she was, and despite all my initial suspicion and aloofness -she was too good to be true- I found myself growing captivated. Sure, there were factors that made us... unconventional. But the little things reeled me in. Her shared passions for art, writing and music. Her love of punk music and old horror films. Her playfulness and witty banter. The glimpses of naughtiness that had my head spinning. Most of all... she had a spooky heart and it resounded just wonderfully with mine.

And the way she doted on me! Early on, she asked for a photo of myself, one that would be hers and only hers. It was nothing risque or scandalous... just hers. "You're beautiful, like a porcelain doll," she said "I think that's what I'll call you. My doll." And so it was, from then on: she would address me as "Doll" and I would grin stupidly with the delight of having a pet name that was mine and only mine.

I never fell in love with her. We never even got anywhere, though promises of dates to art museums and to bars were frequently made and then broken. Promises of watching Vincent Price movies all through the night came to nothing. Friends scolded me. They told me not to try. They told me not to chase her with the same breath they told me to stop waiting around for...him. But, as my heart belongs to another, whom I'll never get to call my own... I saw nothing wrong with trying to find happiness elsewhere. I know my real happiness is out of reach, so why not look for the next best thing? Though at times, she seemed like the best. We were so compatible it was unreal, and the special moments we shared, the ones I keep near and dear to my heart, worked her into my veins like a drug. No, I was never in love with her -is it even possible for me to love again?- but what I felt for her was the most real thing I've felt in months. I never fell in love with her, but my gods I wanted the chance to. I saw the potential to fall in love within her, which I cannot say for anyone else.

Things fell apart slowly. The excuses started, then the lies. Little things. I never had any concrete proof but in my heart I just -knew-. Little things turned into big things. She actually broke my heart, yet soothed it with her silver tongue and I stayed. She broke my heart again. I swore to walk away. Yet I have always been and will always be a fool. I talked a big game of leaving, yet replied to her damned texts as soon as she sent them.

Then, would you believe it? I saw her out with a guy. I watched helplessly as she talked happily and easily to him on the other side of the restaurant window while my brother tried to convince me it was a case of mistaken identity. This is only supposed to happen in movies, but it was real. She denied being there. I wanted to believe her. But things of beauty are the easiest to memorize and my gods, she is stunning. I've had years of the silent study born of captivation behind my belt. It was definitely her.

She suddenly grew distant. Facebook informed me that she was now in a relationship with a guy who looked suspiciously like the same guy I saw her with. Confirmation of her lying stung, but with a pain dulled by repetition. I tried my damnedest to forget her. After all, I've known from the beginning how this would end- with her growing bored of me.

But, just as suddenly, she became adoring and flirtatious again. She started bringing up things like our very first conversation and how adorable I seemed to her back then. She called me "beautiful" and other such flattery. And even though I hadn't heard it in what feels like weeks, she was greeting me with "Hey, doll!" again. This has been my past week, in between bouts of illness.

Today, I finally mentioned her boyfriend. Today, I had my first real argument with her, when I was conscious long enough to answer her texts. Today, I took the first steps to closing that door, as much as it pains me to do so. I cried bitterly, not so much from heartbreak -I'm so used to that feeling nowadays- but from the fact that so much of her was perfect for me and we would have been so amazing together.

But people like her -people who have everything I want in a relationship- are always beyond my reach.

Always.

So!!! A LOT of changes recently. Starting 2014 off properly.

*I am doing a lot of revamping/rennovations to my page on here and, more importantly, to my characters. Going to retire some of them, possibly... And reworking the others. I also finally figured out how to tweak font colors n shizz! So I completely redid my profile page... Check it out. ;)
*SO I DON'T KNOW IF EVERYONE ON HERE KNEW THIS BUT has been drawing a comic in which I am the main character. It's called Lani's Country: Soul Redeemed and is based off the Ni No Kuni parodies he was drawing for a while. (Basically just search through his gallery to understand XD) WELL. He and I were talking, and we decided to open/co-admin a new account dedicated exclusively to the comic. Is the account. +Watch it! Read it! Fall in love with Moltsi's undeniable drawing talent!
*SPEAKING OF COMICS. I've been working on developing a less suck anthro art style and think I might finally be getting somewhere! What does this mean? Well! At least 8,000 times a week, my bro and I make some stupid joke or have some derp moment that I want to turn into a comic starring our fursonas. But I have no faith in my drawing abilities. But I have decided to go for it. :D It'd make him happy, and me happy, whether or not it looks like crap. So... why not, right?
*Actual art of Dazz and updated art of Lani are forthcoming... :3

*Been tweaking Lani's looks. She has a pumpkinbutt now. XD

Basically... I fell off the planet for a while there, but I'm trying to get back into the community wholeheartedly. It'll be difficult thanks to lack of internet... but... I'm trying, guys.

Last night was full of a medley of dreams; some were nice and Minecraft-focused... others... not so much. There were razorblades and similar horrors... including the awful sensation of having my back sliced open, the whole way down my spine, with a noise akin to a zipper opening. Awful.

My day, however, was amazing...

* posted the newest page of his comic, Lani's Country: Soul Redeemed. Check it out, seriously. He's really talented, plus it involves me! ;D
*My wife agreed to talk to her dad about possibly making me an altar table. The thought of having a proper altar excites me to no end.
*Work was full of random friends showing up, including broChris and Delbro. I hadn't seen them in over a month... it was super exciting. :D
*After work, and I went to the Japanese steakhouse at the mall for some sushi.
*Finally started finding some diamonds on Minecraft. /woo/.
*Checked my email and was happy to learn my custom patches I requested on Etsy are finished!!! -scree-

Tomorrow is my cousin's lady's baby shower. I can't wait.

Were you honest when you said, "I could never leave your bed"? Wake me up and let me know you're alive! And will you fall in love again? Is the scent slowly spreading? I've been answering machines all night. And are the doctors dancing in, while the ambulances sing? Another boy without a sharper knife... The moment, that's where I kill the conversation. Wrap this up. With a knife that loves to feel, how do you know how deep to go before it's real? Take me home! Can I even complicate your breathing? I guess I'm just your average boy. This is me! With a knife in the back, and a grip on the grass. It's cold, and I don't want to be here. I guess I'm never comfortable or situational...Are we losing or beginning to try a new life without you? The moment, that's where I kill the conversation. Wrap this up. With a lie that I'm enjoying every minute with myself. And she could make hell feel just like home! So I'm never leaving her alone. But if your lightning lips aren't mine, then I don't know the awkward stranger to my right, but she's crying. I only need one hand to drive when you're with me. You are my getaway! Oh, no! And don't you ever feel alone? And don't you wish you were home? Cut the lust tonight; all right, all right. Tell me why my little Mona Lisa told a lie, lie, lie, lie. Do you want me? Do you want to let me know that you're okay? A diamond gold ring customized to cut your circulation. But I couldn't let you go; no, I'd never let you go my dear. So keep talking, 'cause I love to hear your voice, love to hear your voice, love to hear your... Voice again.

-"Yeah Boy and Doll Face", Pierce The Veil

---

Last night, I had a lovely dream. Most of it has blurred by now, but I was with my wolf spirit. There was some sort of resort/lodge... It was similar if not actually the resort my mother works at. We -my wolf and I- were roaming the acres of woods surrounding it as well as the grounds. I can't remember much else, but there were flocks and flocks of birds... mostly goldfinches, their plumes bright and flashing under the sun, and peering, silent owls and cheery little sparrows and gods know what else. There were so many goldfinches though...

I spent a little time reflecting on 2013. Mostly, I just want to forget the year ever happened. There was too much. But I did experience some positive growth as a result of it all. I came through stronger than ever. I finally managed to admit (on here at least) a handful of things that I'd never fessed up to. I've explored my identity, gotten more and more "This is me, deal with it" and am able to hold my head up higher. I love myself. I've started to wake back up and pay attention to the world around me and my role in it, rather than try to bumble through each day with as little mishaps as possible. And instead of just sitting around wishing I had a wardrobe of a certain type, I'd actually started setting it into motion, so I have things to wear that make me feel good about myself and make me happy to wear rather than just a "Hey I'm not naked what else do you want from me" attitude. I have a stronger and more positive presence among my relatives. They're starting to take notice of me and converse with me and act like the family I've always wanted. I speak my mind more. I've finally put my 10 year struggle with self-harming behind me and live an emotionally healthier life. I've overall just started to seize my life back and really shape it for my own. <3

I've also spent a good deal of time dwelling on my gender identity and have decided that I really don't like the label 'genderqueer/genderfluid' even though it's accurate. I don't even like 'androgynous' that much, even though I still refer to myself as such. I just... don't want a label. I'm me. I'm Lani Thorswulf. I'm Dazz Lightier. I'm either, neither, and both, depending on my mood. This never changes. I love being referred to as a girl one sentence and a boy the next. I just... hate special labels. I'm human. I'm so many things, so much more than words can ever describe, so much more than any of you will ever probably see. I'm always changing, fluxuating. So acceptable pronouns are still all pronouns, he/she/they/etc. I don't have a preference. But if someone asks what my gender is, I may reply with something silly like "pizza" or "banana" or "yes" because "official"/"politically correct" labels are tiresome.

Basically... I'm finally at a point where I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I still see my flaws, and I know I'm not perfect, but I love the person I am. I live in a topsy-turvy reality that challenges most societal norms and I am perfectly happy in it. I am so many things. Sometimes I'm more/different things than other times. But what never changes is that I am brave, strong, open-minded and loving. I am someone worth loving, but only by someone who can prove themselves worthy of a heart like mine. I am a rare creature and I need someone who won't take that for granted. I need someone who can thrive in my topsy-turvy world and find themselves at home.

A friend of mine sent me this text on New Year's Day:
Happy neeeewww yeeaaar!! I say we make a resolution to each other right now: no more worrying about people! Let's accept and embrace the idea of fate, that no matter what we feel or think or how we act, people are going to be with us if they are meant to be. No more panicking from either of us!!

That sums up how I'm approaching this year. No more worrying. Que sera, sera- what will be, will be. No more waiting. No more chasing. I have more important things to worry about. If life throws another torrid affair my way, so be it. If not, who gives a fuck? Not me. Not anymore.

Goodnight darlings. You all have my love.
~La Kittywolf

My great-uncle, whom I love with all my heart (not something I can say about most of my family), is going on hospice. This entire fucking year has been nothing but losing the people I care most about.

So please forgive me if I vanish for a while. This is hitting me really hard. I just need... I don't even know what.

My life gets progressively stranger by the day, and while a lot of inner turmoil keeps getting stirred up, in a strange way I am thriving in the chaos. Saturday, Dad took me to this outlet mall that was an hour drive from my town, and bought me my leather coat. It's not quite the cut I had in mind, but it's nice, and real, and I'm pleased. It also means that The Great Wardrobe Shift quest has a new achievement unlocked: Leather Jacket Obtained (+600 XP). That shopping trip also meant I spent the most amount of time outside that I've spent in weeks. The cold air, the simple /connection/ to Nature that I make when I spend any amount of time outside is rejuvenating to the depths of my soul. Buildings are too cagey and this spirit needs to roam untamed. I get depressed inside buildings. Is it any wonder that I'm a tree hugging Nature worshipper? I need the wilderness to breathe.

The past keeps resurfacing for me. People who have long been dead to me keep trying to come back and be an active part of my life again. It's getting to point of ridiculousness. I dream of hopping a train and never coming back, never returning to this godforsaken town. I need a clean slate, to wash my hands of this life and be somewhere where the (metaphorical) dead don't come back to haunt me. It's so hard to move forward while everyone is trying to drag me back into the past.

A family member recently passed away, though I did not know them well, so I feel... sort of detached to the situation. My cousin's dog also passed, which hit me a little harder because I had just been playing with said dog on Christmas. :/ Which, probably makes me sound like a bad person, but... -shrugs- C'est vrai, mes amis.

The snow has returned, for which I am grateful. I'm hoping it stays a while... I find it calming. It also seems to fuel the witchy mindset I've been in the past few days. Not that I need much of a push to slip into witchmode... ^^; I've been listening to the Dreamside a lot lately, particularly this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTp.....e_gdata_player

It's lengthy, but I highly recommend it. The lyrics just... fit how I've been feeling:
You may find me under the willow tree. I might be dead, or just thinking. Like always... I always do in this place. Yes, I suffocate, just as you do. Maybe I pretend to know where I stand, but I make mistakes, just as you do. I feel like Siddhartha on a search through this life. I am searching. Never said I knew. I never said so. Searching... Never said I knew. I'm just searching. Never said I knew it all...

Anyways... Hope everyone's doing well. I need to drag myself away from my phone.

All of my love,
Lani

Life is a strange yet wondrous thing.

Work has been terrible and I have been a stressed out, panicky mess as of late, at least while on the clock. However, my holidays have turned out to be things of joy and beauty so far. My closest friends have started wishing me Happy Yule instead of Merry Christmas and have otherwise tried to accomodate my difference in faith. While I hate raising fusses and am just fine with celebrating the love & family aspects of Christmas, I found their gestures endearing. It's lovely when people respect things like that. My present haul so far has been far more than I ever could've asked for and way more than I expected, since I wasn't expecting anything. ;_; My bff got me a prop warhammer, a Nightmare Before Christmas tee, and a pair of Mjölnir earrings. My brother gave me a tee that was a Doctor Who/Alice In Wonderland crossover, while his mom got me a DIY messenger bag kit thing and "velvet" nail polish set that makes your nails fuzzy like velvet. :o It's super neat. mailed me the entire Chronicles of Narnia after learning I've never read the series. gave me art. At my work Christmas party/Secret Santa gift exchange, my "Santa" -who turned out to be my asst. manager, Craig- got me Thor bubble tape, Avengers pens and the Dark Knight trilogy on dvd... while another coworker gave me some homemade cookies. My sister got me a snarky tee shirt and a collection of paranormal crime stories. Mama & Papa went above and beyond- I'd only asked for a leather jacket and a new Living Dead Doll. Two blindboxed figures (one Doctor Who -which was a Sontaran- and one Living Dead Doll mini figure), candy, pins, a Manic Panic lipstick set, Tales from the Crypt dvds, and the two best things: a beeeeeeautiful hardcover edition of my FAVORITE Neil Gaiman book, American Gods, and the black & white release of Living Dead Doll's Boris Karloff Frankenstein doll, which is so perfect and beautiful that it puts the rest of my collection to shame... There's also a promise for a future leather jacket shopping trip. Considering how tough this year has been for the family, financially and otherwise... I hadn't expected much at all from anyone. I've gone a year or more without really spending money on non-essential items so I've grown used to doing without. I haven't spoiled myself in ages so to just get spoiled like this... Makes my little kittywolfy heart feel loved. I'm still waiting on things in the mail from other friends... I don't deserve all this ; 3; Thank you everyone. You've made the holidays very special and have restored some hope in this disillusioned, depressed girl.

Today I was dreading going to my relatives', but I had the nicest experience that I've had at a family gathering ever. For the entirety of my life. People talked to me instead of ignoring me, and I even got invited to a future "Girls' Night" with my cousins. ; 3; This is the first time since I can remember that I've been invited to do anything with them. I'm not going to assume this means I suddenly have the close knit family I've been chasing after but... this is literally all I've ever wanted, to belong, and I'm feeling hopeful.

A stern talking to my stalker seems to have made him back off. -thumbs up- Alex is still poofed and has yet to return my stuff (no surprise). Zac & ex-Chris have been good companions lately. I miss bro-Chris and Delman. :/ Oh and Theseus came back from the dead for a while but I think he's gone for good now... I blatantly challenged his melodrama and his lies and he stopped talking. Good. Theseus is as poisonous for me as my ex-Master was... the fact I call him 'Theseus' should be a good indicator of that, at least if you know your myths... Anyways. He is dead and gone to me, alongside my ex-Master. Good riddance.

I've found the perfect phrase to describe my current love life: la douleur exquise. It is defined as the "heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable." I've fallen in love with this phrase. The fact it obviously has French roots just makes it better... I studied French in high school, and still adore the feel of the language on my tongue. My coworker for whom I've been Tarot reader/counselor has, in turn, started playing counselor for me. I like her point of view on things, and, as she's a lesbian, I feel comfortable talking openly about the not-straight parts of my love life. I had a heart to heart with her earlier about the mess I'm in, and she helped me clear my head. She's a simple believer in fate and in things sorting themselves out in the end. I used to believe in those things. I almost envy her for it. Still... I'm going to try to believe. Or... I'll trust her belief. Things will sort themselves out. Freya will bring me love when it is right for her to do so.

I've had weird dreams lately, some of Alex, some of work... and one that is recurring from my teenaged years, where I was a Celt warrior fighting against the damned Roman invaders.

Goodnight, my darlings. -gives cookies to anyone still reading this- You all have my love.

-Lani/Dazz

So... how about that week with FA, hm? That was the most irksome week of my life...

Things of an interesting nature have happened in that meanwhile:

*Still haven't started at my supposed second job. :/ The company keeps cutting hours and so my shifts keep getting canceled... ugh.
*Alex was kinda back in my life? For a moment. Basically, I went to a mutual friend for help getting my stuff back. Friend was like, "Sorry can't help" but apparently talked to Alex anyway. So out-of-freaking-nowhere, I get a text from the ska kid. The shock value was such that I instantly fell to pieces... we talked up til he had to go to the library to study for finals. Then the next day he texted me again... first. That day I was still overwhelmed with his sudden return & the sudden resurgence of those negative feelings that I'd just finally convinced myself I didn't feel anymore... so I let some of the bitterness show. He actually admitted that he was a jackass and that what he did was fucked up (his words ) and apologised for it. I appreciated the gesture but he still has a lot to do to earn my forgiveness. Still, I made peace with him. Or thought I did. Before he poofed.
*Zac is kinda back in my life too? Oddly enough.
*Chris is also back in my life. :T Because, you know, every ex for the past 3 years has to remember I exist...
*Mailed out the US Christmas cards. There were slight issues with the international (abbrev. as IN from here on) ones. Unfortunately due to customs (I forgot about customs) I can't send the same itty bitty gifts in the IN cards as with the US ones, so sadly my IN friends won't have tiny presents. ;_; It's not from a lack of love for you guys... I tried.
*I have another stalker...
*I keep playing counselor for my coworker and giving her Tarot card readings. So far they've all been accurate.
*My denim vest is coming along swimmingly. c: It's starting to really look like /me/. I'm beginning to understand/appreciate why Alex's denim vest is so precious to him. I've poured so much time and effort into mine, have literally bled for it, that between the carefully-selected and carefully-placed patches, the studs, and the little accents I've added... it's becoming a reflection of myself. :3
*Finally got to see the results from my photo shoot with my wife. I may post some of them, in scraps at least...
*I'm basically going to die single, lolololol. I'm holding out for a specific someone but that doesn't seem to be happening...
*I've basically listened to just psychobilly & horrorpunk & watched lots of black and white horror movies. Because, you know... Christmas spirit. And stuff.
*Reconnected with a spookykid friend so now I have someone to be spooky with again.
*I found out my mom is convinced I was a seafarer of some sort in a previous life. There definitely seems to be evidence to point to that (instantly felt like I'd experienced it a thousand times before the first time I ever went to the beach even though I was six, my seemingly instinctive "sea legs" when I first went on a boat, my interest in/knack for knot tying and the fact I figured out a few simple knots/hitches without even knowing they were actual knots, my morbid fascination with/fear of drowning, the 80,000 drawings I did as a kid of marine life, lighthouses, and ships, sometimes sailing, othertimes wrecked...)
*Surprise, surprise: I'm sick. No energy at all...

Recently, I seem to be slipping more and more into the spookykid I used to be. Not that I'd ever stopped, just my discovery/appreciation of EDM these past few years plus the start of my "IDGAF how I look" phase distanced me from it a bit, at least musically & appearancewise. Since about June or July though, I'd taken a newfound interest in my wardrobe and have been listening to my old psychobilly/horrorpunk loves. I know exactly who to thank for this, even though he's not a spookykid & cared more about punk & ska than psychobilly or horrorpunk. All of those genres share the same special place in my heart so, bring up one around me, and I'll inevitably transition to the others. Even though he's gone, it doesn't change the fact he woke up my inner punk and reminded me how dearly I love those things... He dusted off the cobwebs, so to speak, and helped remind me who I really am, who I've always been. I hate to bring up gossip, but a few people who've only met me within the past 2-3 years have made such comments behind my back as that I was just pretending to like punk/etc to impress him. Those people haven't seen the stack of cds in my bedroom, bought way before I had any iPod to speak of... before I knew he existed. They missed out on the adventures my old ska kid friends & I used to have. They have no way of knowing that if I could pinpoint the moment when I started to fall for him, I would say it would be the day we had a lyrics battle and he serenaded me with a song from a particular band that he didn't know I loved; a band that honestly is the Konami code to my heart. (A band which I will not name because I don't want people to just use that to wrongfully impress me...even he still has no idea the depth of what that band means to me.) This music, these bands, have been a part of me since I was... 14? 15? Ages ago, now.. While my spooky tendencies have been around so much longer. By the time I'd reached 1st grade, my best friend & I were already making up scary stories to amuse ourselves on the bus, at recess, etc... And the moment my mother stopped picking my clothes for me & letting me pick my own, I switched to all black, with lots of skulls, studs/spikes, chains, etc... I was that "goth freak" by mid-elementary. Point is, I've /always/ been spooky, and will always be spooky, and while I'd become a bit tame as of late, I've been craving to fully embrace my spookiness again. And thus, the Great Wardrobe Shift of 2013 began.

And you know what? I've been, generally speaking, happier than I've been in a while because of it. I'd missed expressing myself through my clothes. I'd missed the angry glares from offended old people because, 'oh sweet Jesus, that weird girl has a shirt with a curseword on it', or 'heaven help her, she's one of those scary goth people'. I'd missed the compliments from random strangers because they thought I looked awesome. And it's true, if you feel good about your appearance you feel better overall.

So, some of you know this, but I've spent the past few weeks slaving over modding a denim vest. I actually started it in late June, but after a failed attempt to dye it black I got too annoyed with it and ignored it until recently. It is now my baby. First, I took an old denim jacket and removed the sleeves, vesty-fying it. Then I started adding some patches to it (right now it has Tiger Army, Aiden, the Clash, Misfits, anti-transphobia and pro-feminism patches though I am waiting on more). Then I added metal pyramid studs to the chest pockets, the shoulders, and around the feminist patch. I'm proud of what I did next. :3 I took an old, ruined pair of grey leopard print skinny jeans and I salvaged the fabric from them and added leopard accents- on the chest pocket flaps as well as making two accent panels on the back. Everything I've done has been hand-stitched... and the leopard accents took 8 hours. Then, I've spent my free time the past 3 nights adding more studs to the bottom hem of the vest, 3 rows, 354 total studs. My Koffin Kats patch came today, but I'm waiting on my other... 7 patches (the Adicts, Bikini Kill, Jack Off Jill, Johnny Cash, a heart with "riot grrrl", Frankenstein & his bride, & Mjolnir) :x to show up before I sew it on. My parents have been surprisingly supportive/impressed with this project. XD Granted, I do have pretty supportive parents as far as expressing my individuality goes, but I dunno... I didn't expect them to like it. And yet, Mom's invested (ha! InVESTed) $40 so far for studs & patches (as a Christmas present) and has said countless sweet things. My vest is /nowhere/ near ready for public wear/photos, but once I get a bit more accomplished I'll post photos on here. I've put too much effort into it not to share my handiwork. ;)

All of this spookykid resurrection has me wondering about my next mate. I think I'd like him/her to be a spookykid too... I watch horror movies like most people watch daytime tv, and while I'm used to watching them alone (when my Dad isn't bonding with me over them ), having someone who'd be up for them as frequently as I am would be lovely. Love of horrorpunk/psychobilly wouldn't be necessary but my gods would it make me happy. I wanna be the monster under someone's bed. I want to eat their brains and walk through cemeteries with them and be asked to dance beneath the full moon to that specific band. I want a romance full of spiders and bats and coffins and the undead. I /want/ to be someone else's horror queen again... It's always Halloween in my head. I want someone who shares my point of view... but I have a very specific idea of what that constitutes in my head, and people rarely measure up to specific ideas. Surely, though, surely when my heart heals (if it ever heals) I'll be able to find someone... right? Someone's gotta be right for this werewolf...

Okay so! I'm doing cards this year. Let me know if you want to receive a Christmas card from me! And I'll get your address over PM or something.

There are no words strong enough to describe the flawlessness of my day.

Dear Fur Friend:

Obviously, if you are reading this, you are more than likely my friend. The things that brought us together, our history... you know it as well as I. However, what you may not know (or stop to think about, at least) is that you are pretty damn special. I mean it. Whether it's the way you smile, or the way you view things, or some quirky mannerism... there is something about you that marks you different from the rest. Something utterly and uniquely yours. Something beautiful.

It probably sounds cheesy and overdone by now, but it's true. I pay attention those around me. I find beauty in every single person. We all get so caught up in our own lives that we often overlook the beauty around us. We take it for granted. And society pressures us to shed those things that make us different. They urge us to become the same, to reject our differences and see them as imperfections, when we should be embracing them.

So here I am, writing an open letter at 5AM to tell you this: You are beautiful for the things that make you different. You are beautiful for the things that make you the same. You are beautiful because statistically, your existence is a mathematical miracle. Because you have survived life's cruelties to this point, and you are still standing.

I know we may not talk or see each other as often as I'd like. I know life doesn't always work the way we want it to. But you are special to me. Even if you are just a Watcher who has never spoken to me... even if I don't know you at all. You are special in some way. Even if I haven't gotten the chance to find that spark, that beautiful thing about you, there is someone in your life who has seen it, and who loves you for it.

It's so easy to tear ourselves down when we should be building ourselves -and each other- up. It's so easy to forget to stop and look around and say, "Hey. This world is pretty freaking beautiful, and so are the people who share it with me." This world is beautiful. You are beautiful. And though I may not know you, I love you.

-Lani

My head hurts so badly I can't stand it. >.< It's not caffeine withdrawal- I had my fix today. I think it might be stress... that, or from bottling things up again, or both.

I've spent the past few days serving as relationship counselor to different people. Why they trust /my/ advice of all things, when I am foreveralone, is beyond me, but... hey. It seemed to make them feel better so woo. Oddly, my one coworker (who barely talks to me) reeled me into her mess when she messaged me online asking if it was true that I do Tarot card readings and could I help her out. How she found out I do Tarot I have no idea, but I'm kinda amused at the thought of starting to have a reputation for being a card reader. I went into the reading blind as can be and yet still managed to freak her out with the accuracy of my cards. (Go me!) After talking about the reading I offered to listen if ever needed and she's been using me as her therapist ever since. Which... stressful as it makes me, I truly do enjoy it. Helping other people with their problems creates this illusion for me that my life has a purpose.

Applied for a second job today, just a seasonal position, but I'll take anything at this point. Also finally mailed some overdue packages. I feel accomplished.

On a shitty note, the guy who raped me apparently got a Facebook finally, as I found out today when his profile popped up at the top of my "suggested friends" list. Granted FB doesn't know what he did for me, but... I had a huge panic attack regardless, before I blocked his profile. It put a damper on my day...

SATURDAY THOUGH. My plans are amazing: Photoshoot with my wifey, so she has some more photographs to use in her art classes, as well as me finally having some decent, not-selfie pics of me. Then food with her, my bro, & my best friend... then it's off to see the BIRTHDAY MASSACRE and EMILIE AUTUMN live. The photo shoot is proof that I'm a peculiar sort of narcissist, methinks. I've always been in love with the idea of being someone's muse... of being the subject of their particular creative outlet. I have a long-standing dream of having a song written about me. Supposedly, my first love wrote such a song, but as he was a compulsive liar who "loved" other girls and guys just as equally, it's hard to say it was about me. It stays on my iPod, though. I mean, Alex wrote poems about me and I am the star of  moltsi's newest comic series (go check it/him out!) but... a song about yours truly would just let me die happy. Anyways, being the "model" for art photography is a new experience and one my narcissistic side will thrive in.

Speaking of poetry, have some new Lanipoetry:

---

God Given Miracles:
They tell me I'm a miracle
Their delicate little flower
All petals and pistils
A modern fucking marvel
Of reproductive ingenuity
And if I obey them
They promise me a miracle
A life in their microscope
An indecipherable
Blur on their screens
The color of sound
A tiny, precious miracle
Expanding like a dying star
Somewhere in my galaxy
Til the day it supernovas
And I collapse instead
Obedience for a miracle!
A small price for a miracle!
But I'm too irresponsible
And too stubborn to obey

---

Addict/Relapse
Your mind is written on your face
I can see the way you feel
Is it bubbling, wriggling, rising
up into your throat again?
Does it writhe like a flood of
disgusting, bloated maggots
upon your dry and cracking tongue?
Are you struggling to choke back
your gasping, panicked sobs
around the foul and bitter taste
as you tell yourself, remind yourself
You mustn't give in today
Just make it to tomorrow
Just one more day
One more day
Just one...

But I can see the way you feel
Your thoughts are written in the way
you're rocking, twitching, fidgeting,
fighting with yourself again
I watch the wars you wage
behind the plastic smiles
as gnarled fingers twist around
your TV remote lifeboat,
so desperate to distract yourself,
so you won't give in today
So you'll hold out til tomorrow
For just one more day
One more goddamned day
Just... one



For some reason I've been swearing a lot in poems lately...

Hope y'all are having an amazing night. Love you
-Lani

She stands alone in the middle of a field. Her armor, once grand, is scratched and worn from years of battle. Her body wears similar scars; a warhammer is slung across her shoulder. Her posture is proud, defiant even, as she surveys the night before her. Her expression is pensive yet troubled. Something flickers in her eyes, something more than moonlight...

A breeze picks up, tangling hair and fur alike. Normally, she'd find its touch welcoming, but tonight even the moon seems bitter and cold to her. Regardless, she strains her ears and tries to decipher the whispering of wind through the leaves.

Suddenly, her chest tightens. Fear and anger, hurt and hatred, battered ego and confusion all well up in a wave she can nearly taste. She chokes it back and raises her head in defiance of the tumultuous feelings. Her eyes sting with the threat of tears, causing a growl to rise up in her throat.

Blue-white light forms around her paws. The air fills with the sound of static. Her grip on her hammer tightens, as the electricity within her builds. There is the occasional popping sound as a spark leaps free. She raises her hammer high overhead, feeling the weapon come to life with her power. She holds it there as it charges, feeding it. The static hum in the air builds and builds.

All at once, she swings the hammer down. It splits into the earth with deadly force, sending shockwave after shockwave out. Lightning bursts forth from the hammer and arcs everwhere and she screams, a sound both primal and heartwrenching. She screams not words but emotions, in a language of pure feeling. A bolt of lightning leaps to the nearest tree and sets it ablaze, though she fails to notice.

The pent up emotion gushes out until the well runs dry, and she collapses. The air is thick with smoke, ozone, and the echoes of her scream. She drops to her knees, utterly spent. "Fuck!" She swears. As her powers retreat to that place deep within, her eyes threaten to sting again. But she knows she won't cry. She is beyond tears. She bangs her fist against the scorched grass and curses the day she ever saw his face.

I really should be sleeping because I have to actually wake up tomorrow, but my sleep schedule's so fucked anymore that I'm not even tired.

I had a quiet day- off, spent it being way too lazy. After Thursday's disastrous attempt to hang out/our first fight, (long story, not worth getting into, basically Verizon sucks) the guys invited me to hang... so everything's officially patched up. We were gonna have a bonfire at Delbro's house but that was a bust, so it was back to our usual hangout spot. I actually dressed up to see them tonight- dress, stockings, boots, eyeliner, the whole deal- for... well, no good reason at all, actually. It's not like I have to impress them... we're bros. I was just in a girly mood and decided to play it up. It was pretty entertaining to see their reactions though... literally, I got a shocked, "Whoa." XD They're so used to seeing me in camo pants and cut up guy shirts. It made playing kung fu a bit awkward though, since the wind was blowing and kept threatening to make me pull a Marilyn Monroe. The first half of the night was spent trying to find people to come to the bonfire as well as me playing wingman and trying to set them up with chicks. Once we gave that up, it was our usual night of cigarettes, energy drinks, making fun of each other, kung fu, frisbee, bad jokes, setting things on fire, punk and ska. At one point, three fawns came out of the woods maybe 40 yards from us and grazed before Chris scared them off. Another, Delbro got ahold of my "knuckledusters" -my brass knucks- and spent a good 20 minutes throwing punches with them and pretending to beat the shit out of Chris with them. Oh, and they made plans to jump a local, identified Nazi and beat the shit out of him, and invited me to partake. XD Other than that... it was such a normal, chill night (for us at least) that it wasn't overly noteworthy. I'm starting to relax more and be less shy though. I'm starting to feel like I belong though.

Maybe it's because I'm so "one of the guys" with them, but by the time I got home I felt more like a dude in a dress trying to pass himself off rather than a girl showing off her feminine side. -_- I had a bagel, tea, and watched Kenan & Kel reruns. I also realised that my tiny butterfly wing jar is missing from my shadowbox. D= It was small, delicate, and contained a fragment of blue butterfly wing I'd found last year on a nature exploit. Prolly sounds weird but there's a melancholic sort of beauty about it. The butterfly was probably victim to a bird... they often leave behind torn fragments such as that. The colors & patterns of the wing were so gorgeous though I wanted to preserve them forever, so I did. =/ I want my jar back...

In other news, the full moon's tomorrow (yay) and I have plans to celebrate/participate in ritual... once my parents are asleep of course. Being so broom-closeted gets frustrating... I actually started keeping a journal of my craft-working and divination exploits around Samhain. It's worded super plainly & is more of a log than a journal, but... it's helping me notice patterns in effectiveness and also recurring omens/signs from divination. I've also started trying to get back into meditation... I don't know if it was the Witches' Ball or what, but I've been inspired to take the craft more seriously and really hone my skills as a witch rather than be a dabbler.

...Wow. I just journaled about a journal I have. X___x

I've been wanting to write poetry lately but I'm in another creative block. -.- The words... I can almost touch them, but they slip away just before I get them in my grasp. So to keep myself writing, here I am journaling (and journaling about journaling.)

Earlier, before I was invited to hang with the bros, I found myself thinking about them and how their friendship's affected me. It made me realise just how far away childhood's slipped. We often talk about life and pick apart the universe. But we're all broken people. Different degrees of broken, but broken. Or at least... world weary. I dunno Delbro's story, he doesn't open up much, but he just gives off that "tough guy front to keep from getting hurt again" vibe. (But then, he's a Cancer, and they all tend to do that, haha.) He seems almost... bitter, at times. Chris has a past that's a bigger wreck than mine. And then there's me, the walking trainwreck. It's not even that we mope about life being unfair or any shit like that. There's just... a /realness/ to our conversations. The innocence of childhood is long gone for us. I actually keep thinking I would like to write a story with characters based off of us, but that takes me back to my current creative block.

Side note, I hung out with an ex-mate (some of you will remember him from my first AC ever) last weekend. We seem to have run out of things to say to each other. It wasn't a bad time, we had fun and all, but there was... idk. A sense that even the friendship feelings have died now. Or something. I dunno. It was weird, because we both know so much about each other but at the same time it was like hanging out with a stranger... albeit one that knows all your habits and preferences. Usually his resurfacing in my life means an impending disaster/crisis (I swear he's my bad luck charm) but there hasn't been anything bad... Maybe I've just run out of things to lose.

Urgh. If I don't pull myself away from my phone and meditate soon I'm never gonna get enough sleep to run on tomorrow. Goodnight, darlings.

-Lani/Dazz

BECAUSE THE FLOOR IS LAVA.

Quick, get to safety! X3 -hops onto a bed-

Today was my follow-up visit with the eye surgeon to make sure everything turned out okeydokey after my surgery last month. Which meant waking up way-too-early and being a sleep deprived zombie as I blindly waited with a dozen white-haired old people (I'm apparently the only person my age who has these types of vision problems =/ ) for the doctor to show up (late again) and shine bright fucking lights into my lemur eyes. Not a fun time. However, everything checked out okay. I have another checkup in six months, and then it's once a year for the rest of my fucking life.

I came home, changed back into my pajamas, and laid in bed. I'd only gotten like... 3 hours sleep last night and I was off today so I immediately turned into a lump. XD I texted my wife for a while until I fell back asleep. I was telling her about the newest reasons why my love life is a disaster and how I think I'm just not destined for a happy ending when she told me things will get better and good men are just hard to find. I said I'm just not... the good ones don't want me. To which she replied, "Then I'll just have to believe enough for the both of us." I said, "I think you'll have to, because my belief is gone." ...Which immediately triggered a song getting stuck in my head, Looking Glass by Birthday Massacre. Cue me listening to that song on repeat until I fell asleep. Some of the lyrics fit my mood so well today:

Tell me what I want to say. Save me for another day. Break me- it's the game you play. Hate me as I turn away. A boyish notion of false emotion. These words are spoken, despite my love. A fool's devotion was set in motion. My eyes are open now. It's a glass cage, so I can't pretend. You hide beneath the physical. I see it coming, but I can't defend. You cut so deep, my belief is gone. My belief is gone.

I had horridly fucked up dreams while I slept, and I slept fitfully. Of course, I saw his face... When I at last awoke, it was after 5pm. The light streaming through my window was the grey with dusk and I felt so very alone. I turned my phone back on and stumbled out into the kitchen. The house was empty, as I knew it would be (my parents went to a concert) but they left me a buffalo chicken pizza, as they promised they would. It was cold... deliciously so. As I sat in the living room and ate I decided I have finally made the transition to vampire- up until dawn and sleeping until dusk. I need to find a night job because my body seems to operate best then.

Anyways. At some point I started crying again, so I messaged Chris to see if he and Delbro were up for hanging out, maybe for some drinking, because being alone was just not healthy and I miss the guys. Chris wanted to...? And said we should both text Delbro, but then they both vanished. =/ I made Chris the mix cd of my favorite pagan/medieval folk music he's been asking for, just in case. I saved the cd's playlist to my iPod and gave it a listen to see if I thought it was a good enough mix and wound up spending the next hour or so lost in the music. It was at this point in the day that things started to turn around for me... Good music /always/ helps. It got too hot in my house so I went outside. It snowed for the first time this season, so I admired the snow-covered everything and the way it all sparkled under the moon, while singing songs to the moon goddess. I wound up back inside before too long but ten minutes later I was back outside. At this point, the Celtic songs on the playlist were playing... and us Celts are VERY good at making toe-tapping music. So I said 'Fuck it' and danced in the snow. XD I'm sure if my neighbors saw they think I'm absolutely crazy... oh well. XD I danced until I was numb and exhausted and then I dragged my ass back inside. I feel refreshed after doing such a silly thing, and though I'm back to listening to songs about heartbreak and dwelling on that whole dealio, I'm doing so with a lot more detachment. Funny how music can express my feelings...

Yesterday was the 5th Annual Pittsburgh Witches' Ball, held by the local Black Hat Society, a pagan organization. The event was to celebrate both Samhain and the Día de Muertos, albeit a bit belatedly. I went with my bff, even though she is agnostic.

We showed up a few hours into the festivities, between getting lost and other problems. The ball was held at a lodge north of the city, in the middle of nowhere. We got to the door and saw a sign requesting all firearms and weapons be left in the car, as it was a place of peace. ...I am usually armed with at least one knife. -.- Which meant a trip back to the car was in order. So we went in, got our tickets in order and our wristbands for the evening, then went back to the car and shed our coats and weaponry. I only had my police knife and my brass knucks, but leaving them behind felt so /weird/.

We returned and set about exploring the place. There were three rooms on the top floor, with artisan tables in the rooms on either end and the live music happening in the center. There was a lot of handcrafted jewelry and trinkets for sale... Sadly I have no need for more jewelry. Downstairs, there was a small room designated as the altar room. There was a sign encouraging people to leave offerings for their dearly departed as well as warning that it was a 'highly scented area' (due to the incense). We walked in, and saw one table covered in candles, food, beer bottles, unlit cigarettes, and other things. The other was devoted to pictures of the departed, with more candles (all burnt out by this point) and another offering of beer & cigars. I hadn't known about this ahead of time, or I would have come with a stack of photos and other gifts. The other places of interest downstairs were the dining room, with which a buffet had been laid, and the restrooms, which... yeah. XD

We grabbed some noms, (mostly vegan food, which gave me heartburn -.-) walked around and admired people's costumes. The dress code was casual, but with tasteful costumes encouraged. (Devil's horns were specifically pointed out as being inappropriate). As such, a lot of people were walking around in medieval/renaissance, steampunk, fantasy, and even Grecian garb. Skull/sugar skull paint was common, as were masquerade masks. Corsets and top hats were everywhere. I felt underdressed, being in just an oversized Misfits shirt & matching skinny jeans, but the sheer number of compliments on my shirt and fingerless gloves (Nightmare Before Christmas ones) made up for it. My friend & I are planning on dressing up more next year.

At some point, we discovered the chocolate confectioner's table that would be my undoing. XD This woman makes the best chocolate I have ever tasted in my life! Better, all of her chocolates are molded into some pagan theme- the Goddess, bars stamped with the triple horns or with Bast, pentacles, the Green Man, chocolate covered Oreos with the elements or the chakras drawn in colored icing, "altar sets" where everything was shaped like an altar tool, "rune stone" sets... even Mjölnir. Only the roses, the chocolate bark, the chocolate covered pretzels & the maple bacon truffles were non-pagan. Her specialty flavors have my head spinning. X3 Peach white, pomegranate semi-sweet, orange dark, mint and "spiced" (which basically has all the spices you add to pumpkin). There were others, but they would have triggered my nut allergy so I ignored them. Hers was the only table I purchased anything from & I spent $20. XD Mind you, things were like $1-$2.50 a piece... I bought stuff for my parents, sister, bro, & bff as well as myself though.

We spent a good deal of time in the dining room after the dessert table was open, eating sweets. X3 The tables were covered with paper, and crayons were laid out so people could draw on the tablecloths as they ate. It was silly and fun and some people drew some pretty amazing things. :3

We watched the band Morticia's Chair in its entirety. They were the best act of the night. After, things were set up for the costume contest. A Viking gent had entered. Not one of those warped, horned-helmet-wearing stereotypes sort of Viking, but a real one. His clothes were so stunningly accurate to the time period that I just wanted to hug him. X3 He lost to an equally-stunning pirate. Ah, well... The raffle was next. My bff & I were picked at random to draw tickets, and I think because of that, we were handed random gift bags after. There... wasn't any explanation to the gifts, we were just handed them and the lady kept walking. They each held sticks of sandalwood incense, quartz points, and chocolate coins though. ...Which makes me laugh even now. It's so... So typical, almost cliche, to be given incense & quartz. XD

There was a bit of random dj-ing while the next event was set up. They played the Time Warp and Thriller. There was much dancing.

The night ended with a ritual to honor the dearly departed. I've never done a group ritual, so I was really excited and nervous. First was the casting of the circle/calling of the quarters. That involves invoking the 4 elements -earth, air, fire, water-. For the first time, I could sense when each element answered the call & arrived... it was so weird. Then when the one priestess told the group to picture your loved ones, feel them with you right now... I tried to invoke my grandparents but instead all there was... was Sam. Just this... overwhelming sense of Sam. I got teary eyed. I tried again to invoke my grandparents but... it was like... there was this block preventing it. Like they didn't want to, because it was not a Christian situation and they didn't approve. (Which would be their reactions, honestly...) So instead, I focused on Sam & my Uncle Kim, whom I'd never met, but feel a lot of love for. I thought I felt my uncle but Sam was so strong... and I'm not entirely sure how to recognize his presence...

After the ritual ended, I sought out the lady who organized the event, whom I'm going to call the High Priestess, because she more than likely was. XD I thanked her for the evening and she hugged me and talked for a moment. I also finally mustered the courage to compliment the one fellow Asatru on his Mjölnir pendant. He wasn't particularly cute, but we had a nice conversation about our Mjölnir collections. XD I appreciate every moment spent with other Asatruar...

Before we all parted ways, they announced another upcoming event. We're already planning on attending. <3

Side note: Interestingly enough... Today I was telling my mom about the ritual, and Sam, and how my grandparents wouldn't show... and before I could mention my uncle in any way, she interrupted with, "Your Uncle Kim would have been there. In a heartbeat."

I hope everybody had a decent Halloween. ^^

I had a surprisingly good one. I was off work, so I got to just chill in bed until I dragged my sleepy ass out of it. Showered, etc etc, then got picked up by my best female friend. We loaded up on energy drinks, had pizza, listened to Halloween themed music and just chilled for a while. We wound up raiding a store for last minute makeup.. Real makeup, not Halloween type makeup. The cashier complimented my outfit and asked if we were headed anywhere special. XD Only... I was wearing my normal clothes, not a costume. This is the second time people have made that mistake this season. XD Afterwards, I got out my pancake powder and the eyeliner I bought and did my makeup like Eric Draven from The Crow. I wasn't in costume, but I still wanted in the spirit of the day. :) Then we met up with an old friend from school, Chris, and his friend Delman, for dessert. I had pumpkin pie and a root beer float. <3 ...Which I spilled half of. -.- I did a Tarot reading for each of the guys in the middle of the restaurant. I tried to pay for everyone's food but Delman beat me to it, which was sweet of him. At this point in the evening my bff had to leave cause she worked early. :O So Chris, Delman and I left the car in a random parking lot and went for a long ass walk along some train tracks. Which would have gone better for me had I not been in my platform boots. XD 4" platforms and miles of uneven tracks do not mix. Still, we had lots of nice conversation and laughed a lot, even with my almost falling on my face several times. It was good to catch up a bit with Chris over how life'd treated us in the... 9? Years since we last really talked. He apologised for the way he treated me when we quit talking. We reminisced over the good times. We were way too honest with each other. When we got back to the parking lot we sat around and BS'ed, while Delman chain smoked and Chris gossiped and I fought the wind, which was trying to steal my hood. It was a wonderful and much needed evening. I didn't get to accomplish most of the things I'd planned on, but it was just... so nice to really laugh and let go for a while. To just say what was on my mind and not care what the people around me thought. There's already a dozen plans for hanging out in the future in the works.

When I came home though the power was out. -.- Which meant no heat, no hot water, so I had to leave my makeup on and stay up until the power came back on. It stayed on for a while but it's currently out again. This is bollocks. Anyways, it's way too late and I must sleep. Goodnight. <3

I had a very bizarre dream last night, that won't get out of my head. Most of it is a blur... however, I remember a huge, deep lake in the center of this town/city I was in. There was a park on one side of the lake, with swingsets near the water. The rest of the lake was encircled by high cement walls, like a dam almost, that were topped with city streets. It's... hard to accurately describe it.

At some point in my dream, my ventures led me to dive from the highest wall directly into the lake.. followed by a mad/desperate struggle to the park on the opposite shore. I was trying to escape something, and yet there was... something bad about the lake itself. Something about the water sapped the energy from the swimmer, making it hard to stay awake. Worse, the lake was bottomless, and at least a mile wide, and so getting tired mid-swim was... dangerous, to say the least. Yet, knowing this, I dove right in and tried to swim from one side to the next. At one point I tried to stay near the walls... there was a section where the walls were only three or so feet higher than the water. Too high to pull myself out, but low enough I could cling to the side and try to recover some strength. There was a guardrail atop this wall, with the road maybe half a foot beyond the edge. I couldn't see much due to the height but I did glimpse some asphalt and a few blades of grass. I could feel dirt and gravel beneath my fingers as I clung to the edge.

Within a few moments of my deciding to rest there, a handful of cute little rabbits appeared overhead. They were pitch black, and still rather young. I babytalked to them and giggled as they inched closer to the edge to investigate me. Then, to my horror, one of them jumped into the water to get a closer look. I immediately grabbed him with one arm while starting to paddle out with the other. All I could think of was how I couldn't let the little guy drown. He dug his little claws into my arm (which were, oddly, more like a cat's than a rabbit's) and clung while I swam us to shore.

As I swam, the rabbit got heavier and heavier and got larger and larger until it was not a rabbit I was dragging to shore, but a man. Some strangers helped me pull him out of the water and gave him cpr, while another gave me a warm blanket and a mug of tea to counteract the water's effects. I couldn't remember what had chased me into the water to begin with, but it seemed to be gone. As the man came around, the strangers left him in my care. I don't remember his name. I'll call him Nix.

I was kind of taken aback when I first got a good, head-to-toe look at him. He had long-ish, black hair in an emo cut and eyes that could melt anyone's heart. He had all the curves and lines a guy should have. He was wearing all black- hoodie, band tee, jeans, Chucks. Pierced ears stretched to 3/4" or bigger. I feel like he had other piercings, but I can't remember what or where. We sat on the swings and we talked for hours. We fell for each other, and just hours after I'd saved him, he was my mate. I had to leave the park for some reason, I think to find a place for him to stay... it's a blur now. He stayed on the swings and waited for me...

But when I returned, he had changed again. I don't mean he turned back into a rabbit. I mean he was someone else... with curly, longer dark hair, stubble where he'd been smooth-shaven, and lighter color eyes. He was cold and cruel where he'd been kind and loving before. I got into a screaming match with him, told him I wished I'd never saved him and stormed off. I woke up just as the heartbreak was starting to set in.