After longer than I care to remember, I have completely freed myself of a cumbersome burden.

It’s painful, but I have to remind myself that is the pain that comes from overworked muscles suddenly free of a heavy load. I want so desperately to pick it back up but that would be foolish considering all the damage it has caused.

I disposed of a lot of its possessions in a fit of anger, which was dumb, but the truth is clean breaks are best. Blocked it everywhere so I wouldn’t get accidentally called or texted. I’m done with that horrible chapter of my life and I’m tired. I want to move away from this place and all the broken memories.

I’ve lost so much over the last few years. The only thing I’ve gained is wisdom and pain, patience and age. I’m done with humanity for the most part. I want to become a hermit and live far away and alone forever. Those are my goals for the future. The past is dead, I can only look forward and I can only live now.

So here I go again on my own, as the song says, some of us were born to walk alone. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have friends.

Goodbye burden. I hope our paths will never cross again.

So this weekend was a total . . . -sighs-

It was paradise.

I reluctantly, because I have an issue with allowing myself to have pleasure, attended HavenCon. For those of you who don't know, HavenCon is a convention about multifandoms, pretty much anything you love with an LGBTQIA+ bent. It's a small con, but it's beautiful. I took the kids to HaveCon 3 when their Mom and I split, and I was trying to create my new family (something that ended disastrously). So I have very fond memories of HavenCon. Sadly, I couldn't go with the kids this time, because they're living with their Mom and they mostly don't talk to me anymore. -sighs-

In any event, HavenCon 2022 happened and I got to go, and I was in heaven. I got to see old friends, people being their true selves, which is awesome. We don't have to imagine what it's like living in a hetero-normative world. What I have had to imagine my whole life is a homonormative world. Somewhere where homosexuality and genderfluidity, is the normal way of being. And that's what HavenCon is. A lot of the panels deal with a queer world view, the difficulties and changing faces of the world. One of the first panels I went to was about being gay in the tattoo industry and I came away learning that attitudes in the industry are rapidly changing. Especially in safe spaces like Austin and bigger cities. It's kind of nice knowing the world is changing, whether the bigots like it or not.

Saturday was filled with cute furries, OMG! they invaded and took over the con. They were everywhere, hugging and being cute, and I got to take a picture with a cute otter. There were anime cosplayers, and just tons of people of all ages running around. It's also the first con I've ever been to where I got to write my pronouns on my badge along with my preferred name. Going forward, every con I go to I plan to write my pronouns on my badges so that more people might do it and I normalize the use of pronouns as identifiers. Because there were a lot of people who don't identify as their biological gender and I'm totally cool with that.

The vendor hall wasn't very big, but I bought so many pins and cute charms. I discovered a game named Hades which is a couple of years old, thanks to an artist there who had these ridiculously cute small Greek God Charms, OMG! they were so cute. I got Hermes, Dionysus, the minotaur and Theseus both of whom I ship. Yes, I'm weird like that. I don't understand Hermione/Draco but I do ship Theseus/Minotaur, so sue me. LOL

I went to a panel with interesting writers talking about how to create more queer worlds, which was interesting and awesome. And I discovered what Fanbinding is. It is amazing. Sunday I got to go to a meet-up where these women who are rabid fans of fanfiction showed off their bound books, which are single books containing whole fanfictions from so many fandoms that they had created to in a way immortalize those stories. Why? Because they loved them, and reading them on a computer screen sucks and fandom is awesome.

Now mind you, all of these panels had guys in skirts, and trans people, and just people being their true gay, asexual, aromantic, gender fluid selves. It was beautiful to see. There was so much love, and respect everywhere. There was a board game room, a panel on growing community through RPG's and D&D and growing gay community and exploring your gay side or your true gender through characters in RPG's, which helped some trans people discover themselves. It was all just beautiful. I was living in a gay safe space this whole weekend. I can't recommend HavenCon enough. If you all can come to Austin, do it. Experience the convention for yourselves, help it grow, spread word of mouth about it. It was beautiful and amazing and I found pins for actual lizards, and Pokemon balls with little Pokemon and their little worlds and it was all beautiful.

I bought a tarot deck from this very talented artist, I got to meet. It took her 6 years to create. An absolute labor of love. Everythign was just so awesome. So awesome I came home and bought tickets to the local Comiccon, which I doubt will be as good, but -shrugs- I was living my con high. HavenCon will forever be special for me and I will definitely be there next year. Count on it. LOL Hope to see you there.

---

Sadly, Monday came around, and with it came work. Ugh, we had to stay overtime, and we are working on fulfilling our most popular, difficult to do, and most gruelling festival of the season so . . . yeah, every muscle in my body aches. I've been falling asleep all day and I well . . . here I am. Up late and going to regret it tomorrow cuz I have to stay late again and go in early, ugh. So yeah.

Haven't had time to work on my art, or to do any work on my sanctuary, which is what I call my room. Ugh. Life is hard. I have to buy all these frames for all these prints I bought at the con this year and years ago. Yes, I have no shame. I should have put them up ages ago. LOL

So yeah, reality sucks, but memories of HavenCon will pull me through, along with the hope and dream of attending next year. Seriously y'all check it out. It really is a welcoming and amazing convention and it is beautiful. I just wish they'd accept art fo tthe con book, but I plan to write them about that. I'd love to see images of gay slice of life in the book not just in the fanart on sale. :D

Hope you all find your safe space . . . and always be your true selves if only to yourselves or your closest friends. Because who you truly are is beautiful and amazing. ;)

Don't underestimate yourself. Just about everything and everyone in the world will line up to do it for you so don't do their job for them. It really is that simple. Insecure and sad people buy things. Either to help them cope, or to help them become who they think they should be, or who they think everyone wants them to be. They sell you drugs to make your feel better, they sell you diets to make you into something either healthier, or more normal, or whatever . . ., they sell you candy and chocolate to make you drown your sorrows. Unhappy people buy things . . . everything in television and news is made to make you feel like you're not rich enough, or pretty enough or any enough. So stop buying into it. Everything about you is alright.

Love yourself or else no one will love you. Confidence really wins. Confidence gives you strength to do things, to be yourself, to change your world. To change the world!

So take a moment for yourself today and every day, look in the mirror and be kind to yourself. Don't think you're not enough. Don't think you can't . . . BELIEVE that you can.

Fake it 'til you make it.
Confident people succeed, people who only think they might . . . well, their chances are 50/50.

If you can't envision yourself succeeding, then you won't. So before you start your next drawing, before you start writing a book, before you take your next school exam, before you ask the girl/boy out . . . see yourself succeeding, and even if you don't, gain the confidence to keep going.

If you don't believe in yourself no one will believe in you.

-wink-

~Just some advice from your friendly neighborhood Uncle Otty

I make a lot of art. I try to draw on a daily, and not all of it is furry art. It's kind of crazy how I haven't posted anything in a long while. I need to make myself a new badge, and well, just create really cool, colorful art.

I think I have a serious issue with creating compositions. I've been watching InkMaster on PlutoTV because I feel that the more different types of art you see and can be influenced by the better. Everything from comics, movies, animation, classical art, whatever. If it's art and it's good art it can teach you.

This is an art site and I want to draw and post more of my art here. :D There are a lot of brilliant furs I've seen disappear from here over the years and it's a pity because a lot of them are really talented. I still hope to learn from them, and I hope that anyone who sees my "New" art when comparing it to my old stuff will hopefully see an improvement.

Also, I'm really psyched for the movie "Bad Guys". I hope I'm not the only here. Seriously, and when can we get a Zootopia 2 trailer, Disney?

love y'all furros . . .

~The Otts a.k.a. Ottery St. Chocolat a.k.a. LapinLazuli

Black Lives Matter. This isn't up for debate.

All lives matter, but when black lives are the ones being subjected to more abuse, and violence from a system that works as systemic racism those are the lives most at danger and the ones most in need of saving.

It's as simple as that.

If you think saying, "Black lives matter," is equivalent to other lives don't, then you're a hopeless moron.

Black Lives Matter. This is not up for debate.
The system is broken. This is not up for debate.

Systemic racism is a thing.

If you live in privileged blindness . . . I pray you take the veil from your eyes. Furry is no place for bigotry or homophobia.

Thank you, or fuck you, as is the case.

P.S.- And this ridiculously moronic idea that's making the rounds that, "You should respect EVERYONE'S opinion" regardless of their bad opinions is stupid.

I didn't comment on the posters original post because I respect their naivete, however harmful their idea is, and I didn't want to pontificate on their forums, but it's a stupid idea.

Quite simply, allowing the debates of ideas gives them credence and is the equivalent of giving their ideas some merit. Genocide, pedophilia, murder, racism, bigotry, intolerance. I could go on. These ideas ARE NOT WORTHY and have NO MERIT. Discussing any part of them means you think there's something there of merit or worth listening to. There isn't. Tolerance cannote tolerate intolerance by the very fact that it then becomes hypocrisy.

DO NOT TOLERATE IDIOTIC IDEAS.

Don't be naive. Even Jesus Christ didn't stomach every idea thrown at him. So don't be stupid or naive.

The kids are gone for the summer to stay with their mother . . .

The house is eerily alone and while they're at a Pride fest I'm home doing chores . . . yeah, I'm a party animal. LOL

I'm sad and lonely, honestly. But I've no tears left to cry . . . and this country and the news all they report on is the hate. I swear, I can't turn anywhere someone isn't hating . . . even in the furry community. -sighs- So I'm going to turn to my art.

They point out the colors in you, I see 'em too
And, boy, I like 'em, I like 'em, I like 'em
We're way too fly to partake in all this hate
We out here vibin', we vibin', we vibin'

Time to memorialize the fact that I'm back.

Seriously, life is weird, and too difficult. I haven't really kept up with my FA! despite the fact that I am more dedicated than ever to my artcraft. I haven't kept up that well with my instagram either but I have done a better job of updating that. I need to start working on my art more, namely color stuff and more finished things.

I may be producing less art soon, but I hope the quality will rise, and yes I will still keep a sketchbook for just doodling so that I can get ideas and hopefully I can get better at the craft.

I love art. I love my life. I love adventures and the way things are going . . . well, not completely. Some things it seems never change.

But I hope to be more active on here and I hope to have more pretty arts to post and share with you all. Wish me luck.

Watercolors here I come.

I will be back . . . oh poor deviantart. I haven't seen you in years.

I didn't win the lottery today, sadly. But there is always next time.

I am trying to stay positive about life despite external forces trying to destroy me. I have to remind myself it isn't always going to be this way. Darkness must always give way to light. So don't despair. We've survived some messed up shift.

I don't necessarily jump and scream for joy but that doesn't mean it's all pain. I have love and family.

XOXOXOXO

÷Ottery St.

My ex won't let me talk to my kid. I have no idea what's going on with her, this whole, "I'm not going to keep you from your kid" turned out to be bs. Because I know she's doing it. She lives on her phone and yet when I text and call she ignores my messages. I don't want to talk to her, I want to talk to my kid. Simple as that. I'm not trying to harass her. I want nothing to do with her life but now she's keeping me from my kid and I am seriously considering going over there. Except over there is half the country away.

Why are people like that? I've done nothing to deserve this. She's having a bad time with her life that's her business and none of mine. I'm not the one making her life heavy.

My advice is don't have kids, and if you do, make sure WHO you are doing it with. Ten years down the road they could turn on you and take what you love most.

My ex won't let me talk to my kid. I have no idea what's going on with her, this whole, "I'm not going to keep you from your kid" turned out to be bs. Because I know she's doing it. She lives on her phone and yet when I text and call she ignores my messages. I don't want to talk to her, I want to talk to my kid. Simple as that. I'm not trying to harass her. I want nothing to do with her life but now she's keeping me from my kid and I am seriously considering going over there. Except over there is half the country away.

Why are people like that? I've done nothing to deserve this. She's having a bad time with her life that's her business and none of mine. I'm not the one making her life heavy.

My advice is don't have kids, and if you do, make sure WHO you are doing it with. Ten years down the road they could turn on you and take what you love most.

Look at your art heroes. What makes them your heroes? I'm willing to bet more than likely they all have one thing in common. They have accomplished things. So let's go out and accomplish things.

Jake Parker is my hero, and I love his mantra. Any just starting and even some pro artists would do well to follow his ideas and go by his mantra:

Finished not perfect.

Much like life . . . finish things, perfection is impossible, unattainable. I always strive for it, but I'm not dumb, it's not going to happen, it's like trying to reach the sun . . . I don't think it's a good idea. LOL But we should try . . . we will end up in the stars.

https://youtu.be/lRtV-ugIT0k

So, last I wrote something was in late July and I was so lucky to be in love.

Well, a lot can change in a little bit of time and in my life it has. -sighs- I'm not drawing as much as I would like or as I used to. Unfortunately, things have happened in my life that have altered things. Work has become more demanding, even as it has slowed down. The next year is gearing up to be our biggest year, yet. It will be more corporatized and we will be under a lot more oversight. Essentially, my job has become a job and less the fun, carefree, freewheeling place it used to be. Also, they're hiring more managers. Yay, more authority always solves the problems, right?

We all know how the election went. The less said the better.

And someone I had hoped to share the rest of my life with has decided that they don't love me anymore. Which would be fine but for the fact that I am still very much in love with them. Deeply, madly, truly in love. Nothing sucks more than watching them tell you so matter of factly that they don't have feelings for you anymore. Like saying, "Don't forget the butter" on your way to the grocery store. Ten years of love and pain and sacrifice and all the joys and adventures and laughter and tears and it all boils down to, "I don't feel anything for you, anymore."

Wow.

I had plans for the rest of my life with you and suddenly, goodbye. Goodbye plans, farewell love, arrivaderci everything that ever meant something to us . . . special places, pretty things, suddenly they don't mean as much. At least not to her, to me they're precious reminders of a love I can't have back.

I go to bed every night and silently scream into my pillow because there's nothing I can do about it. Quite honestly, I doubt she ever loved me, despite what she says. I'm sorry, but you don't turn love off so easily. Whatever she might have thought she felt, it was a fondness or a desire to love but it was not truly love. Not "rest of our lives' "I'll love you forever" kind of love. I'm sorry but that doesn't go away in a month or a week.

Love is a garden and you tend it. I've never not been there to water the plants and the tree of our affection. I admit, perhaps I should have fed it more water, and maybe I should have taken better care of the weeds, but I was there. She wasn't and I'm supposed to believe the tree is dead. No. The tree never died. I was just the only one watering and tending it all these years.

She just stopped coming into the garden that's all. It was never our tree, it was always mine. And it will remain my tree, in my garden, with my love. Because you never truly loved me. I don't think you're capable of real love. I'm number three, and I always knew I would be. I'm her third divorce. It's easy to bail out when you're not really in it. Funniest thing is, I thought I was the one with all the contingencies and an escape plan.

Silly me. I was the one left holding the bag.

I'm the one sitting alone in the garden of my love. It's still blooming but there's no point in tending it anymore. I'd be tending it alone as I have been all these years.

I still love her . . . pity she never loved me.

I'm terribly fucking in love . . . and very lucky that my mates love me, too.

Count your lucky stars my furry friends. They are all around us. <3 Never ask for what others can't give. And always be grateful for what you get.

Love's funny.

And I'm so madly in love.

Today was a very weird day. A lot of craziness at work, and then I get home to more insanity. Life really is . . . funny.

I went to the Monkeybutt, as we call my favorite coffee shop. I got some of those awesome vegan oatmeal cookie sandwiches. They are truly divine.

I think I found God again. I don't know. I find it very hard to dispel miracles. I want to believe. I really do. I am skeptical but not, you know, anti-completely . . . I do hate religion though.

-sighs-

I'm in a lot of funny places right now. My dingo had a bad dream and he texted me. I almost fell apart when my phone died and I couldn't get to talk to him. I am seriously needy. I am so alone. I don't know why that's such a problem now. I have been alone for a long time. All my life even. I just feel really abandoned now.

My dingo is so far away and the wolf can't cope with me anymore. In truth, I think she can't cope with her own faults and she's projecting them on to me.

I don't know. It doesn't matter anymore.

While I was at the cafe I started a picture of me and Rocket Raccoon. I am going to add Groot in the back, as a pair of tree legs, because otters and raccoons are so much shorter than giant trees. LOL

That and my puppy wants a picture of a very big feral dingo, and a very short standing under his paw, feral otter.

I love you, Spark. You are my inspiration and my muse. I don't know how I lived as long as I did without you. I can't wait to see you again, and to kiss you again and to hold you again.

I love you, Spark.

My sweet puppy, if you're reading this, then know that I made it home safe, baby. Also, thank you for loving me, being so understanding and for the whole beautiful day and that wonderful memory.

I'm sorry I'm pushy, and mopey. I love you. I will try to be better. I swear. Send me your Bippy pictures and all the others you showed me. I want to draw your new fursonas.

I love you baby.

Thank you for today. I can't wait until you're in my arms again. I love you, puppy. I will always love you. If you can, and you go alone to get that thing . . . please call me. Please. I love you!

[EDIT]

Today was a beautiful day. I got to go see my sweet dingo. I haven't seen him since April, and while that may seem like a short amount of time to most mortals, a shit ton of bad things and crazy things have happened in the interim. Seriously. I would go into detail but they are personal on both sides and I don't wish to air our laundry. Suffice to say, at one point we weren't talking to one another and not because either of us did not want to talk to the other but because we could not. Intervention by others crushed our romance.

We've been picking up the pieces since then . . . and I've learned a lot about myself. Like how pushy I can be, and how much I suck at loving people. I really don't know how to love properly. This is something I will have to work on. Something I am working on.

-sighs-

That said, I got to see my dingo today. I waited, and waited, and waited . . . he was detained from our rendezvous but just as I was about to give up a glimmer of hope appeared and he stopped me from leaving. I always wait for that boy, you'd think by now I would have learned to have more faith in him. I'm sorry, puppy love. My faith in you is one of the things I am working on. I swear I don't doubt you, I just . . . doubt that others can't . . . mess up our romance.

But whatever. I swear shoveling dirt would be paradise so long as I was doing it with my puppy, Spark. I love you, Spark.

It was a beautiful day. I got to spoil my dingo, like I always like to. -nuzzles- I can't wait to see you again next month.

Te amo mi cachorrito.

[EDIT 2: Revenge of the EDIT]

And since I'm thoroughly broke, I can't go out Sunday so I will be working on art all day. LOL No more drawing. Time to color somethings . . . oh and make art with Bippy, my puppies new fursona. And It. And I still need to do some Trixie art . . . boy am I swamped on request for my dingo. LOL But I love him, and he's worth it.

[EDIT 3: EDITOR Returns]

For you my sweet puppy, you are everything that I dreamed of. -kisses you there-

Song 4 You

Today was a weird day. Seriously slow and weird. Then I came home and slept and now I'm up late.

Life is weird.

Life is funny.

I have no clue what I am doing on this planet. Not a one. <_<

I am so broken and tired.

One minute its, "I'm coming down there as soon as I can," and the next moment its, "As soon as I can is going to be a couple of years." Or something equally as stupid.

I'm tired of playing this stupid game. Either jump or back the fuck off and let other people do it. Not that there's anyone else trying to jump, or that I want anyone else to jump.

I'm so tired of this crap. I let myself get stupid again. Again. Again. I'm such a fucking moron.

I can't even cry anymore about his shit. I've cried myself out over him and his stupid indecisions. I am literally a dry well. Which is fine by me . . . I need to get back to my life and art and stop worrying about his inability to commit to anything.

Stupid, stupid, stupid otter. Never should have bothered playing . . . just to get my heart hurt again and again and again.

Woke up nauseous and with no desire to go to work. So I called out sick.

Dunno if its because the puppy didn't call. He didn't mention he wasn't going to, but I suppose if he finished the job he wouldn't be able to. -sighs- Or if its because my co-worker is an asshole, who is trying to get me into trouble. Or if its just because life in general just isn't working for me right now.

-sighs-

I really am physically sick, and I don't think its because of what I ate. Such is life.

Love is devastating.

The only thing that remains is the art. -crying-

I am still up late. Which isn't good, cuz I should be asleep but I'm proud of myself for finishing my sticker sheet. I drew seven cute little stickers. Two otter pictures for my mates. A Skylander for one of my babies, a yokai for the other, which you can find posted in my drawings. I drew a dingo sticker for me, because I love dingoes, and one of my Wolfie because I love her too, and lastly a kind of a fuzzy fox. I just really needed to finish the page. LOL

I plan to color them with marker and make them pretty and post them here.

-sighs- As for the printer/scanner, I took it out of its box today and I was very upset to find that the power cord is missing and so I cannot use it. Which means I have to go on a hunt for it through all my junks. Its very frustrating as I was very much looking forward to scanning my pictures instead of using my crappy phone camera and the stupid yellow lights that I seem to always be under. This is why all my white paper drawings always look yellow.

Monday struck early it seems. Also, I have to work 9 to 9 this week, which does not make this otter happy. I miss my family. And this guy I was rping with . . . yeah, no. We were having fun rping, I don't know why hes suddenly decided to go creepy on me. RP is not my whole life, dude. -sighs- Next time I do this, I am setting some ground rules.

Yeah, life is stupid right now. But I am drawing more. I started a picture of my fursona in a Russian hat, which kind of went away from what I had originally intended and became, a cute Ottery showing bootie while I'm wearing my Russian hat. LOL I plan to color it and post it here. I am definitely coloring more things ... and I swear I'm going to get around to making me a badge. Honest.

Also, I have four watchers now. Thank you all for thinking my art is worth looking at. It means a lot. I hope I can be as good as y'all. I plan to draw often and get better and better. I got some anatomy books so I can study that and I am going to start practicing on backgrounds and things. Can't just draw furries you know.

I've been uploading art, and someone has actually favorited one of my pictures. Thank you, whoever did it. I hope it wasn't by accident. LOL

Most of the stuff I'm putting up is in the scraps section because I don't feel that sketches are finished work, and honestly, my phone camera makes them look like crap, which doesn't really help any.

Fourth of July weekend was nice, but except for some sketches, I haven't gotten around to drawing anything serious. One of my furry friends did do a color picture of me on Pokemon Art Academy which I think is cute and lovely. I will be posting that here with proper credit. I also have another color picture my other furry friend William made of me and my mate for my birthday, which I thought was sweet. That one I will post as well, again with proper credit. Sadly, neither of them has a FA account so you will have to find their art on Tumblr and FB, respectively.

That said, I know the most interesting art on my page is the one on my favorites section. And yes, I really do like furry art and not just furry porn art. You have to dig to find the SFW ones, but I swear they are there. -blushes-

Neways, I will try to work on finishing some pieces. I want to do a badge for me, to go with my dingo's badge. And my other mate, my wolf. I have a picture of her fursona I want to finish coloring and inking. That one I will post when it is done.

I need to draw my Wolfie more art, lest she get jealous or think this is the Dingo Appreciation page and not, you know, my own art page.

Hope you all have had a lovely weekend. Aaaaah three days off of work is bliss.

Tomorrow, going back, will seriously suck.

Yes, I'm an artist. Sort of. You can find more of my stuff on Instagram. Search for OttyandMunny and you'll see my work.

Sadly, Instagram won't let me copy it or I'd upload it here. But I have a few things in scraps if you'd like to see. I need to get a scanner so that I can post prettier versions of my art. And more of it, honestly.

I'm a fan artist. To all the people who have thanked me for watching their stuff. -blushing- You're welcome. I admire y'all's work and I hope to be as good as you all someday. There is so much talent here on FA.

Love y'all's art. I'm off to pencil . . . and hopefully color some things. I need more color work. Wish me luck.