I think I just felt the appeal for MLP fade to a dramatic minimum. I wonder what just replaced it or was it just it's time.

K, I'm going nuts. Between my on again off again relationship, my suspicions of him being a gold-digger, the breedable rat script I've been working on in Second Life, my spiraling financial death, and the turmoil of my mother asking me to move in with her in Austin so that I can get a better job with DELL that her boyfriend 'might' be able to hook me up with. FYI I still haven't told her I have a boyfriend if that is what he really is. If I had more motivation to live life then I might be better at my job, or at the very least much more successful, no purpose no future, blah blah blah.

don't stress, relax, let life roll off your back,
except for death and paying taxes,
everything in life is only for now

I'm probably going to go so emo Tues if I'm not feeling it enough for the moment.
I don't want to go back to the dark place of shadows with Jyn or his replacement, and all the self-psychoanalyst.

My only regret is that I never kissed him.
Fucking bullshit, I can't live a relationship through computer interface alone. Text doesn't convey my emotion/attitude. When you read, you read with the feeling either you have or that you think the author is trying to express. I need at least voice or better yet video.

*written in grief and from my phone during break, may edit later.

There was a saying I used to try and use as a warning to curious people wanting to know who I am; 'You have only yourself to blame if you try to learn a secret about someone's life and you don't find it pleasing.'



I want him near, I want to hold him, love him, when we're apart. I want him to show affection when we're together. But when I'm there with him he seems withdraw/standoffish and I reciprocate the behavior.
Love first, I must remember to love proactively, love will grow if I continue to cultivate it. Which brings me to a conundrum; is it moral/ethical to "hypnotize"/manipulate/coerce another into an emotional state. Example, actions or sayings to convince the horse that it's thirsty, whether it is or not, while leading it to water.

There's more here, but I don't know what it is. I'll have to keep searching myself till I find it all.

Emotional strife coupled with a bit of outpouring of the soul.
If your sure you really want to read any further then go ahead, but you have been warned.



Do I really love him? I say to myself, as long as he truly loves me I will be fully content with this relationship. Yet I lust for him as well as question if he truly loves me.

I balance myself on the razors edge at the brink of turmoil. Yeah, yeah, overly dramatic, but is it really. I love and lust, I hold fear and joy, and in this typhoon of emotion I can't tell what will be the best decision, what is the right decision. Do I want for me, am I being egocentric again, self-centered. The fact that any questions have arisen lead me to believe there is doubt. But to assess the situation for a scenario that there is doubt I might be able to eliminate it. Over analyzing things again, but it is in my nature, a self-defense against my fears.

I have only noticed the opposites of ourselves. He loves horror movies, I like cartoons or similar humor. I question myself, supplying more doubt, why I love him so. This, of course, either diminishes or clouds my love for him, yet not my lust. Though it is a reasonable request. What is the source of my love? Perhaps his attitude, the way I think he is open to me. He holds no modesty if it's a text, freely supplying me with what I want to hear, innuendos and all. Though he's "offset" around others when with me, if they don't know me. I respect him and his friends, even if I don't know them. I am naturally empathic, a complement to the emotions of others. I am torn and feel utterly useless at these moments, I can't seem to read him or his friends when we're all together. And every friend I have is either on the job, a wall of text, or voiced avatar. I have noticed I react much differently to him from my texting to live interaction, though most live interaction is in front of one of his friends, who are always a stranger to me. I have yet to be alone with him. Perhaps it is the loss of true emotion when using text, or my "respect" for him around others that know him. Perhaps jealousy, that they know him better than I do. Either way I seem reluctant to make physical contact, though this is also in my nature. I haven't used anyone's name or made physical contact unless necessary, as far as I know. I'm not sure why, it's just a quirk. This also sounds like an excuse. Am I walling myself away from him? Should I be more aggressive and test the waters? Why do I always want to play it safe?

I have molded myself as a servant to others. I have only become passive-aggressive to those that have wronged me, yet I still serve if they hold some power over me. I would love to become whatever he wants me to be, more than I have for anyone else ever, including my parents. Though I don't know what he wants. I feel like a dog begging for a treat, so anxious, willing to do anything within a split second of the request or signal, but I don't know the request much less the reward. I want to be the vision he has of me, what he loves and lust for. The fear stems from that, that I might not be able to fulfill that ideal and being unsuitable material, cast aside to start anew with another.

I want to tell him all this but it seems wrong, very wrong, in so many ways. I know that the message isn't as clear as I would like. Or perhaps, it is indeed wrong.

Also this whole thing still seems incomplete, but it's late/early and I want sleep. I just want to get some of it off my chest.

2007//12//10

"The best way to perpetuate bad behavior is to reward it with recognition."


A square is not a circle. There is a distinct physical difference between the sexes. These fixed differences force such a stereotype. In the same reasoning that some people believe there must be a meaning to life, there must be a reason we are different. Each has it's own function and from that function stems traits and beliefs. I am physically different so that makes me mentally different.

I do not believe this to be absolute. But, to me, it seems to be the original cause in the beginning, and being creatures of habit, saw no reason to change. Thus we evolved (I think that would be the right term, perhaps adapt) into the roles that were given

I'm assuming here, because no one can be absolutely certain of the unwritten past, much less the written, but when humans became self-aware they understood that they were different from one another. As nature has shown, there is constant conflict between the different, one attempts to dominate the other (in one way or another influence is shown). Again this is complete assumptions, but the more physically endowed form attempted to dominate the presumed lesser species around it and conflict was thrust upon it.

Our five(presumably) senses effect the way we think. The mind is simple in some ways and extremely complex in others. What we become aware of our mind adapts or compares it to prior events or things and assimilates or corrects itself respectively.

...the cake is a lie.

...and a life lost in the void of chaos...

...but I sit and wonder of things unconfirmed...

I drift to this and that, unsure in a surreal buoyancy between reality and insanity.



Though I'm overloaded with RSS feeds and daily comic updates I don't feel the burden, for I know these things are meaningless, though I go through the daily rite of checking them all. I'm at a loss of how many pages I've seen, perhaps only 100 within the half hour; http://delicious.com/Larmyth/NetCoffee and http://delicious.com/Larmyth/firefox%3Arss

Though those may not be the fullest extent of what I look through. Thanks to http://www.chrisfinke.com/addons/rss-ticker/ I just open all the feeds to tabs and close what I've finished reading.

Distracted by the "Probability Bubble" concept I came up with. if you take the concept of time being like a strip of film recording the objects in 3D space or otherwise. Further, imagine focusing on just one ?particle? in that environment. Possibility of its new point in space would be that of a sphere, the center would be where it first started, and a point on the surface being where it is now. Time ebbs/flickers/shifts, a new layer is made on the sphere of possibility. This is just one particle. Furthermore particles would have an ?influence? on surrounding particles meaning that no one particle can be in the same location as the other (forcing a particle push/shift), but can occupy multiple places at the same time(allowing for movement/teleportaion), being that all particles are one yet separate.

Traveling through "time" would be moving along the sphere of possibility.

I need to get back to work in Second Life, scripts won't write themselves, not yet anyway.

A beauty that none surpass,
A glory that is as radiant as the sun.

A fever washes over me as I gaze into those eyes,
A meaning that is lost in the void of time.

May I be granted speech so that I may bait the air with profound nonsense.
All in hopes only to lure the mind to the void in my heart,
All that I might live in a symphony of joy.

- found with my DM notes
I believe it was supposed to be a warning for a grand statute that turn the viewer to stone if they gazed too long into it's eyes. A precursor to a boss fight.

Secondly a note on the back of a printed schedule.

There is a sad disfunct with my way of life that compels me to pursue a period of bliss, or entertainment, regardless of how small, in order to put by the wayside a point in time that is pulling me into a deviation, or form of depression. During these times I will milk it for as much as I can, because I know when it ends I will yer (pyth/bid?) for that time when I was able to abate a point in my life that waned my soul.

That is all, nothing else to see here.

A life of insolence raises question of existence and furthers philosophical pursuits.

When there is nothing left to run from one tends to sit and pursue why. The lowly only describe that that is as what must be. I find that these pursuits only lead down the path of disappointment. It seems that arrogance fuels my hatred.

"Life is as it will be and always has been."
- Quoted from the dawn of an age long past.

As I feel remorse for the murder of a creature I can't help but feel a bit pissed off. I assume it was a canine of some sort chasing or following another creature, raccoon maybe, across the highway, in either case I didn't expect the first creature to be chased, and unfortunately ran over the canine.
Shortly afterward my car displayed something about -35 degrees, perhaps because one of my right blinkers was knocked out of place and hanging on by the wires that were ripped out. Found out when I got home that I had to change the tire due to a deformed tire valve.
One thing is to be said about BMW, I won't ever be concerned except the cost when changing a tire. Found out there is a specially crafted jack that comes with the vehicle and a spot built into the side of the car near each wheel just for the jack.
Dreading having to wake up latter to go out and buy a new tire as well as look over the wiring. Though not concerned with replacing the shatter plastic below the front right bumper. All in all I wish it had been an uneventful night.

Was reading someones journal post and my mind started to wander.

Some people seem to dwell on a belief that though humans are self aware they seem to count for something. I understand one particular way that last sentence can be viewed so no, I am aware I am human I do no delude myself of this fact. I protest because I am also a part of the problem. My will is weak and I am subject to my own egotism. I know that I am made of organic parts and from my resources have come to understand so are many other animate creatures that roam this impossible coincidental life-sustaining sphere floating in the "void." When it crosses my mind I keep coming back to the understanding that we are a form of wetware that hasn't been fully reverse engineered yet.

I have dabbled enough in psychology to know that many creatures, including humans, can easily be coerce to do what ever the tamer wants, and in some cases the subject is unaware that they are indeed being controlled. Most, if not all, creatures are controlled by a mix of emotions and environmental influence. These influences mixed with personal opinion will control what your next action will be. Personal opinion, or will, has very little say in your control over your next action. In most cases it is just hesitation, in other cases it's just a minor correctional guidance towards an end goal. Rarely is it a major life changing choice, though I will not deny that it is possible. I just hate believing it.

Many believe that we have some greater purpose when in fact we haphazardly roam the "earth" as a genetic anomaly trying futilely to make sense of what we are while attempting to fulfill a purpose that has been created because of the influence of what we think another believes. A few have actually attempted to think for themselves, but it is a form of delusion, because as I said before you can still be controlled unaware. Fret not, for in most cases it is unintentional.

But what would happen if we dropped the whole intellect game and went back to feral. Honestly I doubt we could survive considering how far we have domesticated ourselves. But if we can't stop playing the game what would be the next step in escaping the delusion. I believe that it is self awareness to its fullest. To know what we feel or how we feel when we do something. To take in all the experiences, influences, to know what we do and how it effects ourselves. Perhaps after we can understand ourselves then we can learn how it effect others.

So long as you know what is happening and why it is happening you may have a chance to actually control it.

But honestly who cares about the insane ramblings of a demented fool? And am I not influencing you to act on my ideals either it be positive, negative, or indifferent?

Maybe I'm hit a little harder than I should be by this whole thing. It may not have been FurNation that helped and supported me when I was introduced to Second Life. But it was some of its members that followed in its core beliefs.

Perhaps we just need a stronger oath. It is written on the last line of the Declaration of Independence;

" we mutually pledge to each other our
Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor."

This wasn't just a poetic ending, it was a testament of how devoted they were to their beliefs.

Maybe all we're forgetting is what a community is defined by. In biological terms, a community is a group of interacting organisms sharing an environment. In most sentient communities, intent, belief, resources, preferences, needs, risks, and a number of other conditions are usually present and common. These conditions affect the identity of the participants and their degree of cohesiveness.

These conditions are not to be burdened by a few in the community but by all.
If we continue to neglect the others of our community we become individuals and are no longer part of the community. Who will you look to for guidance, Who will you look to for support. These people are what made you what you are today, or what you want to become.

If this is not the case then you are not part of this community.

// The code below was generated by
// SCRATCH FOR SECOND LIFE (S4SL)
// alpha release October 19, 2007
//
// by Eric Rosenbaum (ericr@media.mit.edu)
// MIT Media Lab
// Lifelong Kindergarten group
//
// S4SL is a modified version of Scratch,
// a graphical programming language for kids
// see scratch.mit.edu
//

// take a color represented as a hue value between 1 and 100 and
// return an RGB vector representing the same color.
vector hueToRGB(float h)
{
float r; // red
float g; // green
float b; // blue

float s = 1; // saturation
float v = 1; // value

h *= 5; // sector 0 to 5
integer i = llFloor(h); // round down
float f = h - i; // factorial part of h
// technically we could simplify this with f = (h * 5) - llFloor(h * 5)

float p = v * ( 1 - s );
float q = v * ( 1 - s * f );
float t = v * ( 1 - s * ( 1 - f ) );

if (i == 0) { r = v; g = t; b = p; }
else if (i == 1) { r = q; g = v; b = p; }
else if (i == 2) { r = p; g = v; b = t; }
else if (i == 3) { r = p; g = q; b = v; }
else if (i == 4) { r = t; g = p; b = v; }
else { r = v; g = p; b = q; }

return <r,g,b>;
}

// setColor(float num)
// set the color of the object using a number between 1 and 100 representing a hue
float color;
setColor(float num)
{
color = (integer)num % 100;
llSetColor(hueToRGB(color / 100), ALL_SIDES);
llSetLinkColor(LINK_SET, hueToRGB(color / 100), ALL_SIDES);
}

vector touchedLoc;
default
{
touch(integer num_detected) // using touch instead of touch_start or touch_end will allow you to click-drag to the wanted color
{
integer i; for (i = 0; i < num_detected; i++) {
touchLoc = llDetectedTouchST(i); // xy location of the face touched
setColor(100/touchLoc.x ); // will only take the x value of the face touched
}
}
}

I've been scripting forever,
And I wrote my very first code.
I put the Types and the Variables together,
I'm a scripter,
And I write the code.

I write the codes that make particle bling.
I write the codes of lust and "special" things.
I write the codes that make the young noobs cry.
I write the codes, I write the codes.

I Function deep within you,
And I've got my own place on your land.
Now, when I look out through your eyes,
I'm young again, even though I'm very old.

Chorus

Oh my code makes you dance
And gives your avatar a chance,
And I wrote some AOs so you can move.
Scripts fills your heart,
Well, that's a real fine place to start.
Its from me its for you,
Its from you, its from me,
Its an open source symphony.

Chorus

I'm a scripter, and I write the code.