Obviously I can't say much about the initial punk movement considering my age and most people's ages at this point. But if there's anything that felt more, don't give a fuck about our societies "expectations" then a literal punk icon showing up to a furry event at a gay leather bar in SF to DJ a turntable.

https://twitter.com/DogpatchPress/s.....DEvZw&s=19

Maybe metal would do better if they didn't constantly police what musicians do all the time. Let people play around and do what they want.

Anyways, I'm still a musician who does a lot of random rock tracks which I haven't posted most online because of anxiety, but you know just letting you know.

It really cannot be specified how painful it is to be reminded that I will never hear my sisters opinion on anything ever again

Every time I hear a piano it reminds me of her.

I will never hear her connection to me based on our mutual love of music. I will never hear her again. I will never hear her talk about how music can speak words that cannot be spoken. Whatever love she had is long gone. And I am forever demanded to move on like it never happened.

Some piano riff that reminds me of cLOUDDEAD or the Dresden Dolls.

There is no replacement. I will always be haunted by her ghost.

So the replacement phone Xfinity gave me isn't actually very functional and I might need something else. Just putting it out there for those who have a spare phone they're willing to give.

some of you may have noticed I haven't been particularly in a good place lately. It's been a constant stress. My drinking has gotten really bad again. I've spent multiple days drunk and incredibly irritable. I've been lashing out when I really shouldn't be and I'm struggling just to do basic stuff. everyday in this cold empty apartment all alone. most of my friends seem to be too busy to hang out at all because of the season. many of them are also isolating because of omicron. I can't stop having incredibly intrusive thoughts all the time. I keep having flashbacks. so many people have reached out to me online and I feel ashamed that I keep ignoring them. I keep feeling like I have nothing to say. like they're secretly quite irritated with me and sick of my bullshit. The only time I don't feel extremely anxious is when I'm drunk. I'm tired of drinking. Just the smell of alcohol alone makes me throw up. I just don't know what to do. but I'm very sorry you have to constantly see me like this.

millennial monster fucker indoctrination video...


holy fuck were these dudes sexy as hell.

we all know what vibe we must bring for a turn of the millennium theme. let's fucking bring it. you know what I mean.

The subject of apoliticalness comes up a lot about art circles and the truth is it's hard to create art without introducing potential politics into it. art is about expression and expressing your feelings is a major part of that. It's hard not to consider the fact that my sister died because of tech bro self-absorbed entrepreneur want to be douchebag left her to die of an asthma attack so he could fuck off and do a midterm in Santa Cruz. It's hard not to consider my mom's first husband was a closeted gay man who thought that marrying a woman would make God convert him to straightness only for it to obviously fail and him to end up dying in the '80s AIDS crisis which I now know was a product of government neglect. listening to literal government officials state that AIDS was a defined reckoning upon the Christian denying homosexuals... to consider my own experience with my gender and how I've had to forcefully approach sections of my family about my new identity. The fact that I spend so much time around other fellow trans people who tell me about how they can't even speak to chunks of their family anymore because they will not accept them as trans.

All of this is considered political because it's about the balance of power. It's about who deserves power in whatever way possible. Even simply the power to be on the level of their fellow neighbor.

when people say art is inherently political, they are absolutely right. we live in a pit of politics. there is no escape from it outside of being financially privileged enough to shut it out. for those who live paycheck to paycheck, those who feel fear to leaving their own state in case they are cut off from liberties, those who know how much politics can effect their life... things can feel very different.

I miss when that referred to non-flushable turds.

anyways I never mentioned this here because again I mostly rant on Twitter these days but I absolutely hate NFTs and will never associate with them. if you see my art posted on "OpenSea"(I'm not going to check if that's the right name) it's absolutely a theft by a little dick head.

NFTs are essentially a pyramid scam designed to sell people useless garbage receipts for how much computer processing they did with their million dollar GPU farms (hence why it's impossible to get GPUs these days). It's the absolute epitome of the kind of garbage silicon valley tech bro bullshit I have had to grow up around. they couldn't invent anything useful so they invented something useless and used marketing to sell it anyway. The sign of a floundering industry.

It's basically rolling coal but for people who think blood transfusions from younger people make them immortal. (this isn't a joke btw, That was actually a thing)


if growing up in silicon valley does one thing to somebody, it makes them very aware of technological snake oil. so many here want to become the next tech boy entrepreneur. our school's literally conditioned us to strive for that. it makes you have to adjust to the fluffy words to keep yourself alive. being scammed out of all your money in this hell hole is a death sentence.

for the longest time I kept myself under a very positive sort of representation. I presented myself with a smiley face because I knew how nasty people on the internet could be towards those who showed their emotions. but something snapped last year, and it hasn't quite changed. I've spent over a decade of my life making art for all of you. much of it literally for nothing. I like making people happy. It's what kept me going. but I'm fucking tired. I am literally alone. and whenever I mention it I always get at least one person telling me how much it doesn't matter and how much I should just give up and how much I should just go away. somebody I will never see. some no one. someone who steeped my energy and never paid it back. why wouldn't I be bitter?

I'm absolutely tired. burned out. I've been burned out for a while. this world hates burnouts.

The internet is for clowns who dance for money. no one gives a shit when a clown starts to lose it. Just another fucking day. another day in this cold room. better keep on smiling and pretending it's all okay.

so uh... this was apparently a thing... uh...

https://twitter.com/LDRaptor/status.....NVdyw&s=19

to put it simply things here are very rough, and cost thousands of dollars just to not get kicked out of your home and into a tent camp. but instead of addressing the issue we instead continue to lay our emotions on a made-up threat just to justify more cops who are the ones hired to push us out of our tent camps and further away from the cities. It's already criminalized and LA to be homeless. More people to be imprisoned more people to be turned into slaves.

every politician promises to pander to The working class but they don't have to care because California is for the billionaires who live in exclusive gated off communities that you will never see in your life. and anytime a single one leaves all the news feed will ever be guilting you about how you scared them off and how that is your fault and how you're killing your community for it when in reality it would benefit so much of us if they all were too fuck off to Texas for good .

all you can really do as somebody who isn't a part of them is to sit back and hope they don't suck whatever life is left in you. sure you can move away but if you were born and raised here you don't have very many places to move to. hell if you're queer and depend on local provided resources to live as your true self and you know the alternative stays you can live in won't guarantee you such... hell for hell?

it it doesn't take away the pain of realizing that your hometown is essentially rejecting you. meanwhile the media uses you as an example to push an agenda that you personally experience the failure of

https://twitter.com/NBCNews/status/....._JF4Q&s=19

so in case you haven't heard about the tornado lately. many people are dead at the moment. many who could have been spared if they were allowed to go home that night... An Amazon warehouse didn't let them. I have friends who work for Amazon and this is pretty standard practice.

they have been coasting on their lack of unionization and oversight. they essentially killed people not too long ago. please understand that in the future we can prevent more of deaths. Amazon workers need a stronger voice. a voice to keep them alive. there is a reason that company has been able to kill every single retailer in so many places but that doesn't mean their workers deserve to be work to death if anything it tells us we need to do the opposite. they deserve much much more.

My phone broke on me. I was reminded of how important it was that that device worked. I can't contact my family without it. they don't use internet-based messengers. I don't have a phone line. I can only try and get this thing to work again.

why do I have to depend on them

I find a hack around and I'm able to break through. I got a hold of my mom and my dad. Mom tells me she doesn't have money to easily fix the issue and tells me to contact Dad. Dad tells me he doesn't know what to do and to contact Mom.

why do I have to depend on my parents wealth?

a week passes and I have gone twice to my provider store and they gave me the work around. they told me they don't know what to do and I will need to call up their tech support. I ask why can't I just buy a new phone? they tell me they don't have any in stock. they then tell me to go to a website to file a report.

why do I have to spend so much time to have a phone?

I try filing the report and I get to a point where they demand my financial information. I don't have an answer because I didn't pay for my phone, My parents did. I tried all my credit card numbers and they rejected every single one of them. I can't get a new phone.

why do I have to spend money to truly own a phone?

I contact my mom who I'm pretty sure spent the initial funds to get me my phone. she's in another state. her husband's mother bought her her current house in Texas with money she made from a military contract, more then half a million dollars. she's living a good life. unlike me who spends around 27,000 a month to stay alive outside of a tent camp.

why does it take marriage to give you a home?

I lay on my roadside mattress on the floor, all alone, fumbling with my phone, trying to figure out how to make it work. The thought rings in my head that with the right partner all my pain will go away and I won't live in the state anymore, but why?

why does it take marriage to a wealthy man to escape poverty?

you know what's weird? how different it is meeting and talking with a stranger is in person vs doing the same with someone online?

what's insane to remember about this is how I met and talked with a gal (btw, I was still pretending to be male at that time) who was traveling to her home of SoCal on the train down south the day of the Isla Vista killings. As an ASD person, you have no idea how insane and scary that was. Seeing each other react and explain our feelings to each other, I wonder how different that would have been if it was exclusively online.

https://twitter.com/NickLutsko/stat.....Tsd5g&s=19

It's honestly kind of insane to think all of this happened over the past year considering this past year felt like 3 years tied into one. that being said this song is insanely catchy so I might as well share it.

https://twitter.com/ElleDaLD/status.....X9r1Q&s=19

I will forever hear you, but I will never feel you again.

I am haunted. I am alone. I am haunted. I will never be alone.

https://youtu.be/Jm5IkOqEVmA

anna used to watch this growing up. Mom would react with confusion. She was born in the early 60s and adopted into a Baptist cult, didn't watch her first movie till 1984. Dad only cared about 60s/70s old west media. All we could do is grow and disappoint. I thought it would be easy assuming I had the "talent" people talked about, only to watch anna, my sister be pumped black tare from her lifeless corpse. don't mention it, we're supped to progress, not potentially regress

So I got thinking again about how I used to animate things like music videos before the cost to entry shewed me off only for the actual file format to die. anyone one how to salvage any of those? regardless, anyone know good animation software? is it only Adobe animate? if so, can it save my old SWF files? would any of you be willing to help that bill?

So rent needs paying asap AND I HAVE NEW PRICES. see bellow.

PLEASE READ ALL THE RULES.

SIX SKETCH TIER COMMISSION SLOTS: one per person.

This is going to be a FIRST COME FIRST SERVE again cuz rushin' it. Leave your comments and info bellow. The details, updates, and such are done over EMAIL so put your email in the comment or send it via note. PLEASE BE READY TO REPLY TO THE EMAIL AND PAY ASAP. PLEASE DON'T FORGET THE EMAIL things move faster that way.

Info I will ask for in the Email:
~Tier of commission. (ex, Thigh up, painted, clean sketch)
~Character(s). (ref sheets, char descriptions, visual aids, etc.)
~General actions or activities. ("cocktail napkin" drafts appreciated)
~Clothes, Outfits.
~Emotions, Reactions, Expressions. (very helpful if you are being vague)
~Viewing angle/Focus of the picture (can just be "make sure x is seen")
~Background/Implied setting/lighting

-VISUAL REFERENCES ARE ALWAYS PREFERRED-

~Is this commission to be kept private and never be posted?
~Would you mind me streaming myself working on it?
~Paypal account so I may send the invoice ASAP

VISUAL REFERENCES ARE ALWAYS PREFERRED.
NEW PRICES

https://twitter.com/ElleDaLD/status.....URP_Q&s=19

sorry. this is the first thing that came to mind when I saw that thing.

This isn't about anything too crazy or anything but I recently been listening to a podcast about all the James Bond films and it's been genuinely hilarious. ANYWAYS, they did the last Pierce Brosnan movie Die Another Day and later joked on twitter about how the intro song should have embraced the OTHER early 2000s trend of nu metal instead of pop and someone did something genuinely amazing. just... just watch.... https://twitter.com/i/status/1464430248502730756

So in high school, (My first high school) I got into a fight with somebody twice my size because he took a liking to not liking me for some reason I was never made aware of. when I told the staff before how he was bullying me daily they told me I should just "deal with it". apparently I dealt with it the wrong way. he used to corner me in a fenced off area where there was construction going on during lunch.

anyways, after that whole thing as well as being physically arrested again (his family press charges but the court threw it out because it was a clear case of self-defense, The school district didn't give a shit about that though), I was home schooled for half a year where the state assigned teacher told my mom that I was too talented to squander my life on art instead of science. I was given the option to pick what "beacon" programs I was allowed to enter. One of the options was a place called Mt pleasant. I had heard stories of that place, simply put, "not so pleasant". later I found out that was the school Jhonen Vasquez went to. Guess it explains a lot.

so I showed up to a school surrounded by 10 ft tall chain link fences. there is a big tower in the middle that had a sign that said "black and white clothing only". I was driven to the rear which was technically not a part of the main school but some alternative program. it was three buildings made out of six cargo crates. there were bars on every window. everyone going to that school was on a different education level but this wasn't a program for people to be educated. not in an academic sense at least.

One thing that will stick with me is a friend I made there. Absolute goofball but he was pretty fun to hang around. he told me a story I still sticks with me to this day. his neighborhood was run by a gang, not one of the main ones but rather a gang formed to keep other gangs out. basically, for their own protection, they form their own gang because they couldn't rely on the police to actually protect shit. at the time I assumed it was because of budget, later I found out that was horseshit. they apparently waved blue due to other affiliations. no idea if it was Crips or Sureños or some other gang I never heard of. he was Filipino and apparently his neighborhood primarily consisted of Filipinos over in Milpitas.

At some point he got in a fight with a girl in class. she was absolutely the kind of person who would instigate shit at any given opportunity. I didn't get along with her either. The difference is I didn't show up to the school unannounced when I was technically suspended decked out in all blue knowing she had connections to the norteños. he was quickly addressed by staff before anything got serious, but it was surreal to see somebody so approachable, such a, as stated before, goofball, lose his cool like that.

I was there for precisely one year. My homeroom teacher decided to actually look over my PTA files unlike so many others and noticed that I was legally not allowed to be at a "ED program", since I had an actual medical diagnosis. I was supposed to be in things designed for such not for those who simply were, as a state put it, "emotionally distressed". I was quickly removed from that program and I never saw anybody I knew there again. we were literally not allowed to know each other's last names (this included teachers and staff) in case we had beef and decided to send a hit on each other after school hours.

To this day I have no idea if any of the friends I made there are even still alive. I hope Jeremy is doing all right. Thank you Bobby for actually standing up for me.

So uhm... I keep forgetting this is my main platform where most people know me from(I mostly post my rando thoughts on the twitter hell) but it might be worth asking. What DO you generally expect out of it? I have been finding myself leaning away from what I used to produce as a sorta side product of just the basic changes in my life and I'm wondering if I might have put off those over the years because of it. At the end of the day, I've been leaning HARD into my more masc characters and been making lots of comic strips for such but worry people will throw me to the curve because of such. It sucks to know that I spent the past decade setting up over 10,000 people's expectations towards one thing only to shift but it's also my life and my ability to hold passion. the whole thing leads me into a weird state tbh. I'm genuinely curious if any of you have anything to say to me about this odd situation and if there is any advice that could HELP me?

btw: I know I blocked this person but might aswell make it crystal, NO I WILL NOT DETRANSITION JUST TO PLEASE YOU, DON'T SAY THAT LIKE IT'S ACTUAL ADVICE, fuck I shouldn't have to say that...

btw 2 EB: I am on rum atm. this whole thing is probably messy but I hoping to wake up to something to keep me from thinking rum is my only hope to escape the stress of feeling like I'm being abandoned... again...