LeanderDane's Journals -- Fur Affinity [dot] net

Mental Health update

Posted 7 years ago

So as many of you guys who read these journals have read from previous posts.. I've had more than a few issues now with mental health.
About over a year ago, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I was taking Lithium.. which now that Lithium has poisoned me, I have Thyroid issues now. So I take a pill for that every night.

I am now taking Prozac in replace of my anti depression meds.. and now I'm prescribed on something else.
Now I'm on Lamotrigine which is meant to be a mood stabilizer as well.
The reason for the new meds is that I have now been diagnosed with Complex PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
This was initially a shock for me, but once I had a think about it, it actually made sense.

My paranoia and anxiety have gotten very high these past few months and they fluctuate.. which I guess is normal for those with very severe mental issues.

During this time, I've done nothing but watch YouTube, eat and sleep.. more sleep than anything else.

I don't even play games any more.

I just don't have a passion for anything any more. And I can understand why.
There aren't many people who appreciate me as a friend, but the ones I do have, I treasure.
I have some of my family too, which I appreciate and love them dearly and couldn't ask for better support.

Just figured I'd give you guys an update to all this and what's going on =)

5 Comments | View Journal

I'm crying out for help and no one will answer...

Posted 7 years ago

TLDR, I'm crying for help... I'm fucked in the head.

So like.. Where to even start...I honestly don't know
The past few years have been really hard on me.. To the point where I just want to move away, start again somewhere new.. or kill myself.
Yes, I said kill myself. I want to end it all
And no this isn't attention seeking or me being "emo" I really need to put this out there..
I hate where I am.. I feel paranoid all the time when I'm out. I feel that all eyes are watching me, judging me, hating me for who I am, what I've done, the people I've lost, the people I've loved...everything.
People who say they "care" are just saying words to calm me.. no one really cares. No one really wants to hear me whine and complain about my life, no one wants to be an ear, no one wants to see me crumbling and falling to their arms when I need more than a hug.
What they say is just words.. and I'm the firm believer in "actions speak louder than words".
Multiple people have shown time and time again, that you just cannot rely on them. The only person I have is my partner.. and I just feel that it isn't enough.
I want to be loved and cared for.. maybe it's because I have Borderline Personality Disorder that I feel this way and constantly crave validation.
No, this isn't a way to blame my mental issues.. this is genuinely how I feel..
People have said that I'm emotionally manipulative, rude, harsh, blunt, a bitch.. all manner of things that I feel I can't control.
I never notice that I've ever been emotionally manipulative or self victimising. I never notice that I have been rude or harsh to people.. I just feel that's how I am..
I've tried to change, to no avail, and it seems that no matter what I do, no matter how many apologies I give, no matter on how many egg shells I try NOT to step on, it just gets me no where.
Everyone leaves me in the end.. not even my pets care about me.. no matter how much love I give them.

Honestly, would it be better if I was gone? Dead forever.. my spirit enjoying a better life, somewhere else far from here?
I honestly feel like no one would care. No one would give a shit if I was gone.. not even my family.
I feel like no one would miss me. I'm not someone to remember.
No one talks to me any more, I'm afraid to do anything or go anywhere to events I would enjoy because, I'm worried I'll bump in to people and show them aggression and not be able to control myself. (I've done this in the past)
No one even invites me out to games nights, movie nights or anything like that.. I'm so easily forgettable.

I don't know how to change without paying a shit ton of money to people who may fix it.. or may not.
I don't even have the funds.
I barely have the funds to live.
I can't get a job because of the anxiety it causes me and the paranoia I would give myself because everyone is judging me.

The three people I cared about most in this world has torn me from the inside out and I've lost them.. just like I do everyone else.
They all don't want a bar of me.. a second chance..
I don't feel loved or cared for..
I hate my pathetic existence
I don't understand why I'm still here.. I'm scared to kill myself, yet I want to.. I think about it all the time.

People blame me for pushing them away when I don't get "my" way. It's honestly not that..
It's more that I just feel I'm too much of a hassle for them.. and they'll end up leaving me in the end.
I wear my heart on my sleeve all the time and I give so much love.. only because I want the same in return.
Not because things didn't go my way..
People have impressions of me from what other people told them, made their minds up about me before even getting to hear my side..

I'm isolated in my own hell and I can't seem to crawl my way out.
I don't know what to do any more and this is definitely a cry for help.
Many people probably wont read this and that's fine if you don't.. but I want to make it known out there that I've always cared, I've always loved the people who are in my social circle.. the people that have left me.. the people that I've caused to run away.
All I want is a bit of company.. attention, validation
Don't do it because I ask of you. Do it because you want to out of the goodness of your own heart.

This is truly a cry for help... I usually never post any thing like this..
I honestly... don't know what to do any more...

4 Comments | View Journal

Leander's Transformation the Story

Posted 8 years ago

I wrote this story as I believe Leander needed a good update and update to something that resembles me a bit more than what it used to. Her characteristics are the same and she's still sexy as ever, but this "transformation" is linked in with me going off Lithium and how much I've changed over the years.

I'm not a good writer or good at story telling.. but I hope you guys like it all the same <3

Here is the link to the story: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/25460285/

Characters and story ©Vanessa Scenna

0 Comments | View Journal

Hey guys.. bit of a long update please read

Posted 8 years ago

Ok so this is going to be a bit of a long status/update. Not a lot of people know what's going on with me, so I'll try to explain as best I can..

So around half way through last year, I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was told to take pills that would supposedly help (they didn't at that stage) and told that the therapy would cost me thousands of dollars to get into the program, let alone treatment.
Before I was diagnosed, I knew I had "something", I just couldn't say anything officially.
Throughout last year to now, I have been on Tegretol (now that's changed to Seroquel), Cymbalta (which is now changed to Aropax), and I've now been prescribed to start taking Lithium.
(I've been on the Lithium now for about 2-3ish months.)

Only a few friends knew about what was going on at the time and I quickly lost treasured friendships that I thought would last forever. Those hurt.. those hurt real bad..

During this time, I've dealt with suicidal attempts (mainly harming myself), and stress from my job at MYOB (MYOB is an accounting software and I worked there in tech support)
And I should also state that MYOB was so supportive throughout all of what I was going through, but some managers didn't really understand (or put themselves in my shoes so to speak).
So much time has passed that I stopped drawing (I had no motivation to do anything), crafting and doing the things I loved.
I would just work, come home and watch Youtube till I fell asleep. Sometimes, even forget to eat!

I don't think I will be doing much of what I loved.. I don't seem to have a passion for it any more.
This includes, drawing, crafting or making fursuits/plushies.
It saddens me to think that I've gotten so bad at this kind of stuff, but I'm unsure of how to get over this rut that I'm in.

Things have lightened up since being on the Lithium, despite current pains in my abdomen that is currently unexplained (will be getting a colonoscopy soon); but the way I used to be, so active (especially in the furry fandom), has completely changed.
I've lost touch with the people and the community too that I don't think I would ever be back or active enough for people to remember me, or even to sell commissions any more or anything of that matter =(

I have also left MYOB, for those that don't know and I am working at a very chilled out, relaxed place where one of my best friends is my manager. I will, hopefully (if I stop getting sick), become Second in Charge soon as well.

Money at the moment is at an all-time-low. Probably from not working enough, not sure why it's so low.. guess that's adult life aye? =P
But on the upside, I got a beautiful Puppy, named Luna and she's a mixed breed of a lot of things. She's absolutely gorgeous!

So I think that's all the updates from me.
In relation to the furry side of things, I'm unsure if I'll attend any meets and if I do, I probably won't be at them long.
In relation to the people that know me and my friends, I love you all, some of you have been my rocks during this struggling time and I appreciate it all! Thank you!

Sorry for the depressing read, and if anyone wishes to chat with me, feel free to, I'm an open book and would really like to connect with people again =D

2 Comments | View Journal

Please help!

Posted 9 years ago

Hey guys, this is probably way off topic here but I'd like to ask for your help.

I had to take my cat to the vet yesterday and I'm now been hit with a 1000 bill for my cat's dental fees.

If you'd like to donate, please click here:

https://www.gofundme.com/wzsb5zbg 



Thanks guys!

~Leander <3

3 Comments | View Journal

New job and $20-$40 bust drawings... please read!

Posted 9 years ago

Hey guys!

I am soooooo sorry for the long delays in updates and journal entries.. I've been so busy.

I have another job which is full time, (finally a 9 to 5 job), which will help me get my life and health back on track.

I've been busy gathering a few things to upload, but not many.. and as I've had such a long hiatus, I'd really like to start filling my gallery with arts and crafts so that it actually looks maintained.



I have been offering 20 to 40$ bust drawings, and I'd really like to start working on those as soon as possible.

Those are still open if you are interested! They will come looking like this: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/19221311

Please understand that in this sample, there are two characters featured. My prices are for only one character at the moment.





I also plan on making some new personal fursuits once I have the funds, and so I can start building towards my crafting business.



Again, I am sorry for the long hiatus, but I am back and I will try to update as regularly as I can, even if it's just a blog update!



Miss you guys!



~Leander <3

0 Comments | View Journal

Small update and commissions opening soon

Posted 10 years ago

Hello everyone!



How is everyone going? Been a bit busy myself

At the moment, I've been suffering with Wisdom tooth pain and been on very strong pain killers to numb the pain.

Will be on Antibiotics for it soon too as there is a slight infection.

My job is running well however, I've only been getting about 2 or 3 shifts a week. Hard to keep yourself afloat when you're only earning $200 to $300 a week

(That's not a lot here in Australia with expenses, rent, bills, etc)



I will be opening up commissions soon to practice on drawing textured fur for working on my new Surface Pro 3 (and before anyone asks, my wonderful partner bought this for me and I'm aiming to pay him back).

These drawings will be of A6 size/4.1 x 5.8 inches and of 300dpi. These are able to be printed if you would like.

The prices will be ranging around 25 to 30 depending on complexity of the character and the style/pose will be decided by me, as these will be wing-its.



I'll release more information once I'm able to take commissions of these.



Hope everyone is well!



Chat soon!

~Leander

0 Comments | View Journal

New job and updates!!

Posted 10 years ago

Hello everyone!



I got a new job!

I'm actually working in an Adult store (I will not give out the name for policy reasons)

I am casual but I have heaps of shifts and I start in a few days.

I am still working through commissions.



If any of you would like a refund, that's fine, I can pay you back if you don't want to wait =(



I also twisted my right leg.. AGAIN I know I'm just a walking catastrophe x.x



Anyway, so yeah, Im going to be a bit busy for the next few weeks.. but I'll try to get these ref sheets done! <3



Chat soon!

~Leander

1 Comments | View Journal

Aaaaannnddd more delays..ankle injury

Posted 10 years ago

Hey everyone!

I have indeed worked on some commissions and will be line-arting a reference sheet tonight, however, two days ago I was going for an interview and even though I left an amazing impression on the Manager at the store, as I walked out, I twisted my ankle and fell.

It's pretty swollen and I've treated it as necessary (Putting ice on it and deep heat creams and raising it).

Even though I have done this, It disables me from doing any work on the computer as the way my desk is set up, I can't seem to raise my legs (I really need a foot rest for my computer desk x.x)

Also, even if I do sit the way I want to (usually legs crossed), I can't as that requires me turning/curving my ankle to enable me to cross my legs and I can't do that as the pain just kills me.

So for now, I have to lay down, raise the leg up and watch TV shows and movies all day x.x



I have updated the Commission Que which you can check Here to see where you are on the list.

And because of all these damn delays I will be closing commissions for now.

You are welcome to request a commission and I can put you on the waiting list for one, until my current list is finished.



Hope this is okay for everyone and again, I'm terribly sorry. I feel awful that things just keep getting in the way of getting my work done x.x

If you'd like to contact me either through Skype or Facebook, feel free to contact me and I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can!



Until next time

~Leander<3

4 Comments | View Journal