Hello all the dearest! <3

This Journal shouldn't be here, but things took a different angle of growth even though I kept pointing them in a different direction. I'm telling you exactly what it is.

When I was in the hospital, I had nothing to do and I wrote a lot about Treka (if I can still call her that), I thought a lot about her. Then, when things got even harder, when I felt like it, all I could think about was her. For a long time this was my main topic of thought, and it is so far. I came up with a few ideas, but the most important was the biography. I had a few conceptions, but I couldn't finish any of them until I figured out why. what's going on? It is possible that my character will undergo a rework, there is a very good chance of that. When I first thought of her here, I wanted her to represent me to a very large extent, to be just me but with fur. At first it looked wonderful and easy, but when I faced the first major challenge, it turned out that nothing is as it should be with her. My character is not just a fiction here, but a true friend in my head. a sociable spirit that always keeps me company. Exactly, a ghost.. When I decided to develop things with her further, I realized that I couldn't create another me. It's just not possible. I accepted the fact that she will not represent me in 100% and will only contain references to me, but she will be reworked in a nice, creative and extensive way in my opinion.

I didn't reveal it before, but in the beginning, Treka had a different purpose for me. By the time I came up with her name, she was already in another world, literally. a world in my head, a world that's happening simultaneously with ours. I tried to lead 2 lives this way, now I see it's inconvenient. Remember Treka's feature about changing the color shade of her red accent? it wasn't just my imagination, I mean... it was. She comes from a certain land. I don't want to give spoilers because I'm sure I'll upload it here someday. It is a land full of fantasy. combination of kingdoms, villages, magic, old times in general, or just not developed. Treka takes her place there as a magical creature, a rare fennec species that, along with other rare species, appeared with the magical energy of this land, has special skills, spells, at least that's the theory. The question is, isn't it all going too far into this fantasy world? that's right.. It makes me sad.

What about her? what about my second self? I would really like to answer that ;/ Her topic has gone so high that probably even her name will be changed, I already have a few in mind. By that, I mean I also keep an eye on her whole backstory, personality, pretty much everything. The rest will come when I develop it. But now, I have to combine 2 topics that I've tried to keep apart and unfortunately I think she's going to face changeable times. What does it mean? quite a lot. And that's sad stuff. Many of you have imagined Treka, and a handful of you have poured my thoughts into visualizations. This may all be out of date.. First Treka portrait, Treka rising from the ashes, most of the plans, schemes and thoughts for her. I don't know what will happen with her yet, I'll find out when I delve even deeper into the world she lives in, I'm already after writing the next page of this.

From this place, I would like to apologize to all of you. With my mind still damaged, I tried to get the last drops of motivation out of it to imagine her. I started this topic too quickly, glad that it went smoothly, not thinking that it might get harder over time. Now I felt it because I was immediately thrown between 2 paths and I don't know which one to go now ;/ But what I know now for sure is that Treka can't stay as she is now. If I want to surround her with a bigger, more meaningful and true biography, biography which is also my second world, I would really like it. If I don't offend any of you with this, I will try to do my best to keep Treka in some part the Treka you associate ;3 maybe her name, appearance will change, but the species and white-red fur will remain ;3 I don't know yet about these compromises, I just need to develop it even more but I'm afraid to go in there because of you dears.. What should I do? I would be very grateful for any kind of advices from any of you x.x

Hello all!

This is an update message that I finally decided to put here because it's definitely time for it. On Thursday morning I left the hospital, escorted home by a friend, and... yup and.. Tuesday begins, and I still feel like I'm staring through the glass at everything that has happened over the past few weeks, unable to break that glass, unable to look away.

I do not know what to write here, I am not writing it fully regenerated, I have the impression that it is not even the beginning of it, but I wanted everyone to know that the hospital period of this event is over. I spent the last 5 days trying to find myself in my own house, but I experienced that even a warm house can turn into an ice cave from which you want to escape as soon as possible. I could not do anything. I couldn't take a nap, when I lay on the couch, I was attacked by memories of lying in the hospital, I couldn't spend time at FA, every time I went in here and tried to touch the older works that had appeared here during this time, I felt like I was bursting into tears. What hurts me the most is that I have started to hate motorcycles, which in my case is absurd. this whole accident, is related to the most tragic incident that I experienced on a motorcycle a few years ago. Now, as I approach my two-wheeled love, the closer I get, the more I feel the prickling in my heart, the minimal dizziness caused by the multiplied memories. I don't want to live like this, I tried to overcome this force, I tried to sit in the garage on the motorcycle, when I grabbed the handlebar, a sight that I saw a few years ago appeared before my eyes, which made me crying for many months and feel it until now. I ended it all with tears, of course.

I am ashamed here, I believe in my strength, I believe in the strength that this whole place gives me, that each of you gives me from your own hearts, the strength to survive the next day, and with each subsequent hour I have the impression that a lot of rays of joy in my soul are splashing one by one, like soap bubbles. Fortunately, I do not miss the company of a friend who visits me now as systematically as in the hospital, giving me a bit of comfort, but I still ask myself what next.

I won't hide it, I'm terribly worried about it. what will be tomorrow, what will be with the FA that hangs on one thread for me now, will I ever be able to come back here? will I ever regain my enthusiasm to spread happiness here again among those who fuel it in me? I do not know by myself. I want to fight, but I feel my last hopes disappearing from me. not enough time had passed to talk about it, but I had never felt so weak, so powerless. I used to try to get up, closing my eyes and telling myself that no matter what in front of me, time would help me fade it away. Now, only time can help me. The motorcycle passion that helped me go through all the difficult moments failed, memories take over me, making it impossible for me to function on a daily basis.

The biggest problem is I can't just sit and wait. On September 1, I start my apprenticeship in a hairdressing salon again, I don't know how I will be able to go there with the same face as before the holidays. I am not able to look at anything in my house with a smile as I used to, I cannot approach the motorcycle, I cannot avoid the memories that laugh at me in my head. I'm ashamed of myself for giving up my mind so easily, and now I'm trying to rebuild it all with my soul, heart, feelings that, even all together, will not overcome my contaminated mind.

I do not want to write systematically about how bad it is, I have a problem to write any word here, making a meaningful sentence is very difficult for me, after each word I am attacked by memories, after which I often write things that do not match each other because I just don't think about them. I have to write a fragment, check it several times after some time, I don't want to function like that here, but I don't want to say goodbye to this place for a long time. It annoys me how all the paths around me are suddenly blocked by stones, cutting off any escape routes, cutting off my ideas.

I don't think I will speak up here again until everything has calmed down, but I'm not sure if that moment will ever come, I feel depressed and I don't want anyone to see it. I will not abandon FA, but I know now that this time it will not be the same as before. I would gladly accept even the shortest moments of conversation with each of you, but for this I need my certainty of the words, something that I do not know if I have at the moment

after all, after these words that I wanted to reach each of you, I can only assure you of my efforts, and send a huge apology..

Hello all! After a long, unplanned absense, I return here with tears of sadness and happiness in my eyes, finally able to write at least one word here. A sequence of events happened which I still cannot talk about well in the present state, that's why It took me 2 separate days to write this, but to the point.

How did it start? all from when my first day in the psychiatric hospital began. I think it was the worst one, I was very afraid of the new surrounding, I was moving away from everyone who spoke to me, I was avoiding contact, sometimes I was even twitching with uncertainty. After 1 day, I didn't sleep through the night then, I couldn't squint my eyes. deadly silence, leaving behind not even the slightest gust of wind on the leaves of the tree outside the window. in the morning, I could barely stand on my feets, fatigue combined with a growing fear just made me feel unbalanced. I was unable to function and therefore my diagnosis was useless. then they said that they would keep me here for 1 extra day, but the next day they would assign me a special "guardian" of a psychologist, a therapist who does not work in this way professionally, but is a kind of smart buddy to talk to. He was of a similar age to mine, I could see that he has psychological therapist veins, but not as sharp as those from psychologists who work in hospitals, schools, etc. of course it was not easy, but definitely easier than with some specialists trying to "to tame me" to a new environment for even such a short time. When I realized that man was not dangerous or had no malicious intent, he became just a stranger to me, someone I also avoid, but to a lesser extent than someone I fear. There were single diagnostic rooms, which means that everyone who was called for a weekly diagnosis at the same time as me (4 people except me) each of them got their own room, but each of us had it in the same corridor, 5 steps apart. My "buddy" spent all my free time with me, escorted me for all kinds of interactions and "tests", and always waited to come with me to my room and prepare me for the next day and let me forget what was already there. He was just like a friend that I didn't trust, but I felt a great fondness for him. It was thanks to him that I managed to survive this period of time. When we said goodbye to each other, I threw myself at him with a hug, I knew that I would miss him even though he is a stranger to me, who I do not trust because he was involved in this whole thing with the hospital, but he did for me much more than anyone there, and I can appreciate something like that, even if I don't feel completely at ease with it. Leaving this hospital, I had mixed emotions. My smile was full of sparkling happiness that I would finally be able to come back here, embrace my friend in my arms with the motorcycle that had been waiting for me all this time in a locked garage that I did not have key for, but despite everything, my eyes were still full of gray, fear and anxiety, which in the end looked like I was half happy and half sad. Leaving this building, I felt relieved that it was over for now, I felt my whole body loosen up after being tied up by stress ropes for a week. However, the end of this event was the beginning of the second.

When I was next to the the road in front of this hospital, for reasons which I cannot provide here yet (only in private messages) because it is too complicated, I fainted, fell to the ground, and after hitting the pavement with my head, I lost consciousness. that's how the whole time when i wasn't here has passed. I woke up recently, awake from a coma, which was a prolongation of unconsciousness, with a respirator mask over my face, in a normal hospital. It's hard for me to describe which feeling of fear in which of the two hospitals was that worse one. When I asked the doctor what happened to me, he replied that as a result of a head contusion, I suffered a minor concussion, which unfortunately carried an impending post-traumatic hemorrhage, which then resulted in cardiac arrest, preventing me from breathing for a short time. All of this happened while I was in a coma about which everyone knew little. It could last for hours or even years. Usually such comas occur after damage to the brain vertebrae or more serious injuries, not after ordinary shock, but I did not get an answer to this question. When I woke up I didn't realize how dangerous it was, only when my only friend irl visited me the next day, he spent hours talking to me, it's hard to wonder, before all this we talked to each other every day, and now suddenly he lost the ability to communicate with me for a month. Despite the concussion that started it all, I remember well everything that happened before, but I don't know what it was like when I was asleep, I only have the words of a friend who was watching over my bed every day, he was talking to me holding my hand despite no answer. He was next to me, when my condition deteriorated drastically and my life began to be in danger. He was squeezing my hand when my heart stopped beating due to a hemorrhage, saying that I saw tears approaching his eyes, I had no doubts that it was the scariest moment of his life. As he watched me hooked up to life support devices, panic spread over his entire body as the cardiac monitor at one point no longer showed any heartbeat, only straight line and squeaking. In this respect I'm glad I didn't see it, I think as a friend, I wouldn't be able to bear it emotionally. Our first meeting after a month, unfortunately in the hospital, was the one that squeezed all our tears out of both of us.

It was all like a chain of events, culminating in an irreversible tragedy that could make my psychiatric hospital journal to be that last one here. It's not the first time I've faced death, but my "facing it" has always been limited to motorcycles. There, even with a harmless looking accident, there is a lottery, will you come out of it all safely or without breath. but here I know how serious it was, and probably if it had happened on the street and not in a hospital under full control, it could have ended a lot worse.

I know that it looks a bit unexplained here, but as I write this, I am still in the hospital under observation, with a stable state, but with emotions burdened with so many events that I do not even have the strength to browse the Internet, I just lie with my eyes closed every day and think about everything what was, what could have been and what was when I did not see. For my friend and for the whole FA, I will do my best to get out of this as quickly as possible, and once again show to fate that attempts to pull me down have ended in my victory again. after I put my friend under a lot of stress, I can't come to terms with the thought that I was completely powerless to it, that all this was happening out of my control and awareness. It is a very strange and unpleasant feeling when you wake up in the hospital with a mask on your mouth and nose, a doctor comes up to you and says that you have been in a coma for a month, and all the while several people were fighting for your life and your friend was walking on the walls because of stress.

It was unpredictable, it all happened suddenly and no one expected it, but nevertheless, I would like to tell it to each of you with all my heart, to take care of yourselves. even when your heart is full of happiness or sadness, even when you feel you are in control of everything, your control may slip out of your hands. I will say this: Do not fully trust your walking cane, which you load with all your mind and then walk with it on a slippery surface. It takes a moment for you to fall to the ground with this cane as a result of a slip. Be aware, do not trust fate which gives the impression that it was drawn with colored pencils.

I think I will have to stay here for a few more days, therefore, we will meet again in some time. To those who were worried about me, wondering why my week is turning into a month, I would like to apologize you all. I didn't want fear to born in you because of me ;( My comments and answers to everything on FA are another separate thing. There are 63 new works here that are still waiting for my words, 5 comments that I also want to respond to, 2 journals that I would also like to cover with my comments, and 3 notes that are most important to me, because they are private messages to me from some of you, I can't treat them with ignorance. It's quite a lot of work on words, I want to look at each of these 63 new works from different angles, not at all the same, with the statement in my head "I just have to comment on all of them". I'll take care of it when I get out of here, and I'll try to work on notes while I'm here. I hope it's a good idea, at the moment the only one that comes to my mind ;/

I don't know what to do next, but I know one thing. I will definitely contact you here again when I will arrange everything in my head, and I have a lot to arrange. Take care dearest friends, I'll always love you all <3

Hello dearest friends, a topic that is very embarrassing for me, but expanding every day that I want to mention it as soon as possible.

After a dozen or so bad days in a row, my mind was very disturbed, so much that outsiders began to enter into it. After visiting the disorder clinic, I was diagnosed with a very strong and supposedly dangerous degree of PTSD, a mental disorder that could take away consciousness over a person as a result of intensifying visions, drastic and tragic memories, and sad thoughts. I experienced it, and I know the scale of the problem, but I wanted to deal with it in my own way, but specialists do not allow me to do it. Despite the fact that I don't act like a psychopath, they treat me like such, even though I haven't noticed any deterioration in the last days, everything seems the same to me as always.

Because of my only friend in reality, I decided to start treatment but on a slightly calmer level. With a needle in my heart, I cut off motorcycle riding in my daily functioning, it was necessary so that I did not endanger myself and others on the road. I stopped going to my favorite park where I always went to think about something bad, sad or happy. And numerous check-ups with psychologists, I was also told to use antidepressants in a few days. This is all part of the treatment that the specialists presented to me for the beggining.

My life has gone downhill drastically, now I feel like a sick rabbit kept in a cage and examined for various symptoms. This condition will not pass quickly, because the treatment went the way I begged fate not to go, a psychiatric hospital. the most hated and terrible place for me, I was always afraid to read about it, to think about it. The specialists are sending me there obligatorily for a week, in order to observe my everyday condition in details, which now is very far from what I felt before all this anyway.

I will not hide that I am very stressed and afraid about it because I hoped that I would never have to take a step there. I am worried about the treatment there, about further diagnoses, that I will be forced to stay there for longer. If any of you have ever had a similar stage in your life, I would kiss your hands for sharing a scrap of this information with me.

There where I'm going, I won't be able to have a phone, so I will be denied access to FA for a week. my nightmare trip will start on saturday, I am going there in the morning. I have had periods of a week or two without FA many times before, but I will still miss all of you and this whole place a lot during those 7 days, with a fear that I will definitely come back after a this time. If not, I won't even be able to inform you ;/

I have a dilemma what to write here. it's only my second birthday since I joined here, and the first one I am writing about in public. Throughout each subsequent month, countless moments happened here, sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes touching the heart.

When I look at my past, I cannot believe how things turned out for me, what a great chance I got from the fate when I found this community. I tried to keep everyone I dealt with in the best possible attitude towards me, sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. however, those who stayed with me, long ago started to mean more to me than just online friendships, in some cases I can say more than a real best friends. Until now, I can't believe that despite my introverted soul, I was able to find such amazing friends here, and that they didn't turn their backs on me right away. I consider my life here as a huge clock mechanism, and the people who helped me settle up here, are the scattered parts of this mechanism, and only everything together is able to function smoothly and efficiently ^^

With each passing day here I am more and more aware of how important it all is, how much I have to take care of it. I will not leave this place, certainly not voluntarily. if something forces me to do it, I will fight with it until my last breath. it's all of you who give me the strength to survive another day, the acquaintance with you allows me to stay here ;3 thank you all, my best friends and people with whom I still work on the bond, thank you again for being here with me <3

hello friends ^w^ this subject may seem strange to many people, but i have to write about it because i feel bad about it. namely, the school year has begun. Due to the fact that I finished school a few years ago, I decided to feel like a teenager again ;3 there are many ways but I chose to learn something. I signed up for an practice lessons in a motorcycle workshop and started mini lessons about motorcycles working etc. motorcycles have been my hobby and passion for many years. I think from birth. it will never pass, I will never change it to something else. it makes me want to live. to enjoy each new day. of course, there is nothing better on the internet than spending time on FA, but unfortunately it is not healthy and recommended to spend so much on the internet. I have 2 motorcycles where I currently live, 2 in my friend's garage and one in Japan. my friend brings motorcycles with his family from all over the world and sells them. various models, scooters, tourist, sports. sometimes I help him prepare them for sale, but I rarely do it because I don't want to spoil anything. I know motorcycles, but I don't want to repair a serious fault, because there is a good chance that I would break something. due to the fact that my beast (the Kawasaki ninja 1000sx from 2020 for those interested) was damaged a few days after the purchase, it stands in my garage waiting for a repair that I cannot undertake due to my lack of experience. I don't want to send it to specialists because they deceived me a few times and I will not allow myself to be robbed of my money. I switched to a slightly weaker motorcycle (Kawasaki ninja 400 from 2018) but what if it also gets damaged. I decided to take up practical training in a workshop I know and attend theoretical lessons in 30 minute lessons. it is not tiring and certainly not as onerous as a normal school, because there are 2-3 lessons a day, but unfortunately they are every day, of course except the weekend, then I'm free. practical lessons in the workshop are on Wednesdays and Thursdays for 6 hours. it will take at least a year, maybe even a second, but I'm sure by then I'll learn enough to fix my machine and maybe start working with my friend. he could use some help, and for me it would be pure pleasure to help a friend in such an interesting activity for me ;3 unfortunately it prevents me from attending FA as before. I used to spend a dozen or so hours a day here, sometimes I didn't even leave this site until the end of the day. while studying I will not have access to the phone, so fast checking the FA on the phone is not feasible ;c I got used to commenting and replying to others as soon as possible, and now I am afraid that my late commenting and replying may insult someone. I'm writing about it here because I don't want to write about it to anyone in the comments or private messages. it may be a small matter for many of you, but I really get stressed about offending someone this way. of course, whenever I can, I will comment and reply as soon as possible. I just don't want anyone to be offended by me ;/ thank you for taking the time to read this <3 you are all awesome ^*^

Welcome friends! I just wanted to inform you that I'm back from my trip and I'm slowly starting to comment on your works on FA ;3 the journey was great! I helped a family of hedgehogs cross the street. but unfortunately, during my work, I encountered a few unpleasant situations, just like my friend. I also had 2 road accidents, but if anyone is curious, I invite you to a private message because I do not want to write it in the comments. in any case, I am at home and I am slowly trying to keep it as it used to be ^^ thank you for your understanding and comments <3

Hello dear friends!

I am sorry to say that but I am leaving. tomorrow (26.07) I am leaving in the morning 550 kilometers from my current place of residence in order to help my friend with motorbikes. he is a motorcycle dealer and got some orders. we have to prepare the machines for sale. clean them, do test drives, check that everything works. There are a lot of motorbikes because 9. friend lives in the countryside, so unfortunately I won't have internet access there, so I won't be able to watch and comment the works on the FA. but I wouldn't be able to do it anyway, because from morning to night I will be working with my friend with motorcycles.

I'll be back on Wednesday evening so from Thursday morning you will be able to see my comments again under your works ^^ I know it's a short absence because only 3 days but I wanted to write this so that no one would think that I left or something similar ;3 thank you for your attention and all the best for everyone! <3