I've just been fining it more and more difficul to finish anything worth uploading.

And 30 sticks of "suspicious" gum.

Just throwing that out there. Nothing special.

I just need to learn to be less self hateful and try to build up some self esteem. Being rejected time and time again had practically reduced al of that to nothing, and made me feel worthless. I'm going to try to work on myself more.

i'm really contemplating on just leaving the fandom forever. Right now i wish i was dead, and leaving is probably the only chance i have of improving my mental health. The only problem is figuring out what to do with my life, because this has been a huge majority of it.

Minimal prices are as follows:

$5 - sketch
$10 -Lineart
$20 - Color

Send me a note if interested.

https://t.me/+V4H5gczM_RgBOAcO

Discussion group:
https://t.me/+1xFjdGrUuRpkM2Vh

Some artist who i don't even know has blocked me for absolutely no reason at all. maybe it's my constant negative and depressive energy id. but this is just bothering me way more than it should.

I'm not sure if i should use this account anymore. i rarely finish any artwork anymore, and im not sure it's worth keeping the account alive since i more or less just lurk now. I wish with all my heart that i could bring myself to finish projects, but i can't.


[EDIT]: Let me clarify, i don't mean leave the fandom. i'd still be available on discord, twitter, telegram, ets.

im just angry with myself rn. i'm constantly putting work into my art, but not enough to ever finish and post. I don't know where these mental roadblocks come from but i hate never finishing and idk what to do about it.

Idon't post here often, so i wanted to reach out and see how you all are doing.

I apologize for not posting journals lately and the one time i do, it has to be a vent thing. Right now, my self esteem has taken a nose dive. This mindset i'm in, I feel like if i'm not popular like others, it's not worth doing. nor would i be worth their time. I know this is a very unhealthy attitude to have but when i see work from a popular artist, especially one that got popular in only a matter of weeks, while it has taken me 12 years to get where i am... It's heavily discouraging and makes me question why i continue doing what i do.

I'll cut the journal here. Anyways, i'm still around,

A friend pointed out i might hove been overloading my computer with usb cables, so i reduced the number of cables plugged in and it seems to have fixed everything.

I regret to inform my followers that i can no longer do art. My Clip studio paint has stopped working for ever and the only conceivable fix i can see is to get a new computer. I'm very sorry to inconvenience anyone expecting art from me.

At first i was enthusiastic to try to get into modeling, but my patience has very quickly worn thin. Being a slow learning in general doesn't help, and i realize this sort of thing takes YEARS to master. I mad at myself for not sticking with this way sooner, cause now i just feel like i'm never going to get it. Oh well. just another thing i fail at.

Been mentally wrecked all day and being self loathing and depressed as hell, and i wanna try to work on something to try and shake this off..

Thinking bout opening up commissions. don't really have a fixed price, so i guess we'll say $10 min PWYW. will also experiment with coloring/shading. I don't really know what to work on for myself rn xD so DM mehere or on Twitter, or message me on discord or telegram if interested.

I'm thinking about going with a 10-$20 minimum PWYW sort of thing.

Few things i'm uncomfortable drawing:
Human inflation
Female inflation
MLP pony characters (Spike and discord might be fine)

Other than that, i might be open to anything else. do share your thoughts about this.

do you ever feel like a nervous wreck when you message other artists, because you know you're gonna get ghosted? I'm feeling people i try to message are just way too popular for me to be worth their time. And this is really chipping away at my self esteem, and is making me question why i bother to try posting stuff. I'm just not good enough to be worth talking to.

So yeah. I'm 29 now.

I think i've just run myself under the ground. I'm feeling shitty about myself, my art, my work ethic... I don't even wanna play any games cause i do too much of that as it is when i'm not drawing. I don't have a job, and it's been too rainy to go out for walks. i don't know what else i can do at this point.

I really wanna try to upload anything at all for juicy july so, if you're interested, feel free to drop a ref, and name the particular fruitflation you'd like. can be any spherical fruit. And watermelon does still count. Only downside is im not comfortable drawing female characters. but anyways, drop your refs here and the fruit flation and MAYBE we'll see how it goes.

over thepast few years i've been becoming gradually more and more dormant around here. i don't post, i don't comment, i've just been dead silent. i think this started when i found Zelda randomizers back in 2018. Those have kind of taken over my life, but i also feel like my work has gotten very repetitive. I've also been very distant on social media, but that's probably cause i've always had social anxiety, so it's difficult for me just to say hey. But back to my work, i just bought this new tablet last month and i haven't posted ANYTHING from it x.x idk, also kinda feeling pressured by myself to do giftart for other people, and i keep telling people i may do something for them and i never follow through. So to anyone waiting on giftart from me, i humbly apologize. Anyways, i won't prolong this journal any longer. Hope y'all have a nice day/evening

I'm sorry for the frequent lack of activity here or anywhere else. I think it's my ADHD, it's been making me very inattentive and it's hard to focus on specific tasks. I'm very bad at time management, organization, and staying focused.. I feel like once i can get meds for it, i'll be more productive. I also struggle to sit and watch tutorials, so learning new stuff is fairly tedious. Anyways, wanted to post this journal to show i still live, just my work ethic has been abysmal lately.