I don't really know how many from my past remember me or even spare a nano second of thought on my existence anymore at this point, but I figured I might as well say sorry for being as quiet and distanced as I have been these last several years


I know it's mostly my fault, I think I've grown alienated from the whole concept of friendship at this point since it mostly led to nothing but pain and misery for me.

I tried to juggle many things in life and tried to maintain some level of connection with the ones I cared for the most....the more I tried the more I failed and felt pain

After attempting to end things a few times I basically gave up being social, honestly I don't know how I'm still here alive right now

To be blunt it's more than likely I will be gone from this world pretty soon, my future is pretty
bleak and I just don't have the mental strength to go through it

So I made this journal to basically say sorry to the ones that may have actually cared for me
in some way in the past and attempted some kind of friendship, I turned out to be a massive disappointment and a waste of your time socially


....anyway...not sure why I wanted to get that off my chest, I will stop now

Yep...it's awesome.

My soul shall be consumed for the foreseeable future.

My spiral down has led me to the realization I literally have nothing to live for.

Any friendships I once possessed has been scrubbed away by past pains and mental trauma.

I can't even attempt to reach out to anyone without filling with dread, doubt, pain, fear, darkness.
Feeling like a curse to others that needs to be stamped out.



I honestly am lost and am tired....tired of the pain and loneliness I am consumed by from being the flawed creature I have always been.


I might be done, that realization won't leave my head, nothing to live for, so why even keep living?

I know it's an old game

I know most here have probably not heard of it or played it

I know no one here cares

I know bragging is bad

But I don't care

I just spent 2 weeks figuring out the unique controls not thinking I had a chance of even beating the game...

To not only finishing it, but 100% it, all the collectable wisps, and gold coins

And all the achievements, which included completing the game without dying

It was hard

It was a pain

It was stressful

But it's so FRICKING satisfying

Anyway.....I just had to get that out, because I'm drained....that was such a pain getting through the last few levels without dying

Sorry for wasting your time, if you want you can leave me a golf clap or something, it would be appreciated

*collapses from stress induced exhaustion*

I'm old

Just a hello to anyone out there who still watches me for whatever reason

Been almost a decade since I drew anything

Might start again...I dunno

Still feel a bit lost in life


Anyway, just wanted my watchers to know I am still currently breathing, so yah I guess

Always trust a fortune cookie.

Earlier today I decided to go find a Chinese buffett. Found one and ate there, afterwards getting the fortune cookie most give you after the meal, left and took it with me.

On my drive home I got stuck behind a pick up towing a boat. Tempted to go around it I suddenly got a strong urge to open the fortune cookie, so I did.

The fortune in the cookie read "Right now you have to be patient" I chuckled out loud and decided screw it, only 8 more miles till I get home and stayed behind the boat towing pick up heeding the fortune cookie.

About 3 miles later we passed a cop doing radar on the side of the road, had I gone around the pick up I may have gotten a ticket because I tend to drive a bit fast.

A fortune cookie saved me a potential ticket today.

Always trust a fortune cookie.

Knew leaving my opinion would only cause more drama and hate flung at me.

Sorry for my last journal I guess, I will be going back into the shadows completely again.

Random music things because........ *shrugs*


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=O95aQ.....Y2tvbmluZyA%3D



https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi0cG.....9zaCBraXJzY2gg



https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Du7Dh.....JpZGdlcw%3D%3D



https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ_TY.....VyYmFuIG5vdXNl



https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=H2vt7.....BzdGFycw%3D%3D



https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kO2qk.....5zdHJ1bWVudGFs



https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jR_L0.....lja2VyYnJ1c2gg

I'm getting so old

Ive basically have already become a lurker anyway.

About a decade ago I was pulled out of being a lurker and started socializing online in ways I never had before. It led to friendships, a few relationships, a few in person visits and trips, and few other things I will keep to myself.

In the end though it led to hurt, pain, and sadness, and ended up leaving me as this empty depressed soul you see before you.

I learned over time how easily online friends can turn on you, forget you, hurt you, and so on.
Once they have no use for you they toss you aside. I noticed this first when I
stopped role playing alot, then stopped donating so I could save my money.

A few forgot I existed, ones who I thought were close.

Then I discovered the lovely drama that exists when trying to be friends with some people online, you get forced to choose sides because of some nonsense.

All of it leads to someone hating me.

And I learned I am not good relationship material, I destroyed my first true relationship by being an overly clingy, over worrying idiot. Then my second true relationship ended because after living with me they realized how horrible and pathetic I am, never really got any other reason.

After years of all the pain and heartache I tried to stay in touch with just a few handful I believed actually and truly cared for me, and that did not go very well.

In the end I stayed in touch with just one last person in phone texts, but they seemed very bored of me, so I kinda just stopped being social completely.

Thats where I am now, alone with no close friends, and honestly probably no real friends at all anymore, I know if I dropped dead right now there would be alot of dry eyes around here.

Im sorry to every person who wasted their time interacting with me in any way, in the end it was all pointless, I had no impact in anyones life and never brought a smile to anyones face.

I wish I could go back to Dec 2010 and stop myself from coming out of my shell, it ended up benefiting no one.

No one is still reading this anyway so I will just stop, I honestly tried to be a friend to all the ones I used to think I was close to, it pains me deeply I am such a failure.

So I will just lurk in the shadows once again, I will keep faving like crazy as I always do around here, but this will probably be my last journal, and the last time Im heard from.

Im in a very dark place anyway, honestly Im tired of trying to keep going in life, every day is just memories and a deep sadness in my heart.

Sorry and stay well everyone, I wish for bright days and happiness to you all, something I tried and failed to bring and have given up on for myself.

I want chinese buffett....



Give me chinese buffett....







Now....

can you get honked at, flipped off, and threatened with harm for NOT running a red light.

I swear I despise driving in Maryland, bunch of nutcases in this area...

Hi whomever is reading this.

If you are I thank you for taking the time to check out this journal I created.

Now to give this journal a purpose...hmmm.....

Eh, lets make it one of those ask me anything journals, Ive never actually done one of those.

So if you are still one of the .5% of my watchers still reading this, go ahead, ask away, any question about anything.

*sits in anticipation flopping my tail around*

Survived another year.

Congrats, you survived 2020

Here is your gold star and 5 dollar Starbucks gift card

go nuts

Just a few songs from a few games I liked


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mbW8KBZguDM

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pQ-bjZD1EnI

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SZNbabKjKpA

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QKzbAP4RILs

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rEbbA.....Durs&t=90s

*waves at anyone who happens to pass by*

Life has completely broken me

I survived another year

Drakion was first created.

On Dec 14th 2009 my character Drakion was first drawn. I love having Drakion drawn and wish I had the money to commision like I used to.

I deeply thank all the artists that have brought Drakion to life in the last decade ^.-.^

Hmmmm

You can't fool me

I know you are really a turkey in disguise!!

*pounces at drooling*

Trick or treat
Smell my feet
Give me something good to eat
If you don't
I don't care
I'll pull down your underwear



*holds up a pumpkin bucket wagging my tail*

That lovely urge to kill myself has been hitting pretty heavily again recently...

Not sure how many others here go through this as well...curious if anyone has advice for a failure like me..

Ive already driven off most of the ones that could tolerate me enough to label me as a friend...think only 2 or 3 honestly are left that care about me in the least bit..

I dont know...i look back at the last 7 years and it just makes the urge grow more and more.....i used to be happy with friends.

Then I let myself get deeply hurt several times and made me run away from being social, now Im paying the price.....only throwing out a journal because i dont know what to do or where to turn.

I feel like no one truly cares about someone as unlikable as what ive become..

Yep