I was invited to Anthrocon last year and went. It was very fun.

Now I am back in Pittsburgh for the weekend again...and on the verge of a MASSIVE panic attack. Being told not to go to any furry cons years ago because I wouldn't be welcomed in the community is not exactly something you just sort of walk away from. I still think I'll have a great time again...as long as no one finds out who I really am.

Also this is my first journal in HALF A F*CKING DECADE. I know I'm notoriously lazy, but that's a bit much even by my own standards. XD

If you crush a Honda Accord, then does that make it a Honda Accordion?

You ever have one of those times where you have something you wish you could post, but you know no one would like it? Through boredom and to keep my mind occupied on something besides suicide, I've found myself randomly writing. And through that I actually managed to finish writing a very short piece, and while my writing skills in RPs are just plain awful, I'm actually a little proud of myself with how it came out. And ever since I finished it a few weeks ago, part of me has wanted to post it somewhere. Unfortunately it is furry, and since that community absolutely hates me, I know I would get a deluge of hate messages if I ever did post it (and the fact it is NSFW doesn't help at all). It has just been eating at my mind ever since I finished it, and I imagine it will just get worse as time goes on, especially if I do any more writing. As time goes on, I keep finding myself becoming ever more helpless, and hopeless.

This concludes a vent that no one will ever read anyway, feel free to leave hate or advice (oh who am I kidding) in the comments. And at the very least my stupid April Fools joke isn't at the top of my journal list anymore.

Okay, so as anyone (who cares) knows, my main My Little Pony OC is Moonlight. And that also happens to be the name of that movie that didn't win an Oscar and then did win it after all. Anyway, I was contacted last night by a legal team representing the studios behind the movie claiming they own the rights to the name "Moonlight" and I must change my OC's name in the next 30 days or they will be forced to take legal action against me. Seriously, I need help in this. I want to know what my options are, I am literally panicking right now. I've fallen in love with how Moonlight has turned out, and I want to keep her as is, but I also can't afford to deal with any lawsuits right now. Please, anyone I am desperate!!!

It's Thanksgiving here in the USA, or as it shall henceforth be known: Stupidopolis. Let's see, we've had numerous celebrity deaths, lost a bunch of awesome artists here and elsewhere, the whole DAPL thing happened. Oh yeah, and the entire f*cking US Government hates me. Granted I am by no means the only one they hate, and they will have to get in line behind Great Britain, furries, and numerous other people that beat them to it.

Whew, so after all that is there ANYTHING this year to be thankful for? Well, actually yes there were some positive things of note.
-Okay since this just effects me it is probably cheating, but I went to a con for the first time (specifically BronyCon), and everyone was nice to me there for some reason.
-On that note, Hasbro and DHX gave us another awesome season of MLP with the promise of another next year on top of three new Equestria Girls specials and of course the big movie.
-Nintendo finally gave more information about what the NX, I mean Nintendo Switch, is going to be.
-The Playstation 4 is finally getting some worthwhile games, including the soon to be (finally) released Last Guardian.

Okay I realize this list may be incomplete and it's really scraping the bottom of the barrel so to speak, but at least as is the year wasn't a total loss. And aside from the worst government in history, next year is already looking to be better, I hope.

So to everyone reading this (oh who am I kidding myself no one reads these from me) Happy Thanksgiving. Barely a month left of this catastrophe to go.

I realize this is probably bad timing in light of the whole Felix thing (personally I'm more tore up about it than I should really be allowed to be), but unrelated events over the last week or so have placed suicide back on the table for me. Further, the painful memories from before are also starting to come back in force, so I am left with no choice but to consider it again. All told, I realize this is a bad time to have this journal here, but in my defense it's not like anyone cares enough to read my journals so I figure who is going to notice it?

This time, in light of the tragic loss of Felix and the questions surrounding why he left us, I feel maybe it's best I throw off some of the questions concerning my suicide plans, in case the people investigating my death decide to come all the way here to find answers. Ultimately, I am lonely and miserable. Being autistic makes it completely impossible for me to ever have friends, but it doesn't mean I don't desperately want some. Every effort I have ever made to have friends has had mixed results, ranging from simply fizzling out to people literally wanting me dead and everything in between. Most often, it is a case of "go away freak" because I'm just too weird and broken to be worth anyone's time. Of course all of my efforts to save my dying friendships only makes things so much worse, often leading to the wanting me dead result. Even as an autistic person, repeated losses like that are absolutely devastating and painful. All I truly wanted was a group, even a small one, of people who would be nice to me despite how broken I was and would let me be a part of it. But after 20+ years of this game, I have come to realize and accept that that simply is not possible, and that suicide is the only reasonable option to stop the anguish that comes with the loneliness. Even if someone does decide to let me into their life as a friend at this point, I'm afraid the past damage is far too great to ever be repaired, and that any efforts to interfere with my suicide plans will only delay the inevitable at this point.

Okay, I know it was a while ago but I may as well put any rumors to rest now. Yes, I did finally manage to go to a con last month. BronyCon was the lucky con that had to put up with me for a whole weekend. But in all fairness, I wouldn't say anything especially bad happened, particularly not with the con itself. The worst part of the whole trip was having to walk through a Black Lives Matter march on the way back to my hotel room from dinner. Seriously BLM? I mean I support your cause and all that, but I really don't want to get involved in anything that major, especially on vacation.

Back to the con itself though, I was expecting it to be like a furry convention for me: hostile and unwelcoming. I don't mean to insult furries, but I've always been the weird one that everyone either hates, or I make them hate me later. As soon as the opening ceremonies started though, I got a shock that defied even my most positive expectations. Everyone started acting as weird, crazy, random, and hyper as I normally am. Within about 5-10 minutes I had just completely let myself go and let my inner self out to play...and I fit right in with the rest of the crowd. I didn't go to many panels or participate much in the nighttime excitement though I did hear much about it after the fact. In fact, much of my time was spent in line waiting to get autographs and pictures from the Mane 6 cast (yes I became one of /those/ fans). But even in line, there were Bronies to talk to who I could have a reasonable conversation with on the show or other topics. I saw some awesome cosplays including some that just blew my mind. I also got to spend a lot of time in the dealers room and um...stimulated...the economy there :P

In the end, everyone was so nice to everyone, including me and I'm a total monster. I was a weird freak show as I expected myself to be, but I found myself with over 7000 other freaks who were more like me than I ever expected anyone could be. I had an absolute blast and look forward to going again next year, which leads me to the title of this journal. Um, I'm not sure how I can ease this out but in order to be able to go next year I kind of need to postpone my suicide plans. It's kind of hard to go to a con when you're dead. I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for letting everyone down like this, but I just can't help myself. BronyCon was just so much fun the first time around, and I think I can do even better on round 2. I never made any friends this year, nor do I expect to ever make them in any future trips (thanks Autism), but I was still treated well like one of the herd which meant more to me than words can describe.

If any of the attendees, staff, or even VIP guests come across this though, I would like to leave a message. Thank you all so much for making that one of the most special weekends I have ever had period, and I eagerly look forward to seeing all of you again next year. Stay Brony my friends. BronyCon wasn't so much a con for me, as it was a reunion of the family I never knew I had. My final words on the matter are that I can legitimately say without any reasonable or unreasonable doubt, that I am most definitely a Brony. Bring on BronyCon 2017!!!!

Whelp, through various reasons I have managed to get all current gen video game hardware (consoles and handhelds). So maybe I should take a break from venting my loneliness and thoughts of suicide here and offer my two bits' worth on what I think of them.

Wii U: Well, despite what the sales would have you believe Nintendo's latest offering is a good piece of hardware. While it's still got the weakest specs of the consoles again, it's not nearly as outclassed as its predecessor. In fact, the best games I've seen on it look a little better than anything I've seen on the PS3 or 360. The screen in the gamepad is an interesting feature, even if the resolution is a bit lackluster. Also, over three years later the devs still can't seem to come up with very many good uses for it. In fact, the only one I've seen that's made any good use from it has a name that starts with N and ends with -intendo. While comfortable at first, the gamepad also tends to cramp my wrists up with prolonged use. In the end, the games are what really matter and the Wii U suffers the same curse Nintendo home consoles have had since the N64. There are a number of great games on it from Nintendo, but third party support is almost nonexistant...again. The only exception to this is the Virtual Console, but even then most of the third party support for it is a holdover from the original Wii. Pretty much all Wii software, physical and digital is fully supported on the Wii U. In the end, it's a solid system with loads of fun Nintendo games, but you'll need to go elsewhere for your third party fix. 8.5/10

Xbox One: Somehow Microsoft has had to include an external power supply on their system, which is again the largest of this generation. Yet the system itself feels very light, like most of it is empty space in there. Space which could have fit, I don't know, a power supply? Massive size aside, it once again proves to be a jack of all trades box. It plays DVDs and Blu-ray movies just fine, the game library is pretty decent (especially now that backwards compatibility is an option), and the controller manages to improve upon the last model. It's actually kind of jarring now to hold a 360 controller now and think about how much I used to like it. Following the 360, the One does have great third party support, and even complements it with some decent first party games of its own. I was surprised that Microsoft was even going to let Rare make some great titles that don't use the Kinect. Rare Replay was an especially fun trip down memory lane. All things being said, it's a great system for multimedia functions and games with few major weaknesses. 9/10

PS4: I've only had mine for about a month now, but my first impressions are pretty good so far. It's a surprisingly compact box with hardware that is apparently easier for developers to take full advantage of, so those wanting great graphics will want to go with this or a gaming PC for their fix. Playstation Vue is a cool service for cord-cutters in addition to the same multimedia functions of the One (in fact my PS4 has completely replaced my cable box). I am overjoyed that Sony finally took revamping their controller seriously. The Dualshock 4 fixed everything I had to complain about for the first 3 controllers. It is so incredibly comfortable to hold, and yet it still retains the overall handling of a true Sony Dualshock controller, so fans of the older versions shouldn't feel too left out. In fact, I can't fully decide whether I like the DS4 or the Xbox One controller better. However, the lineup of exclusive titles so far has been a bit...weak. About the only exclusive title so far that hasn't turned out to be a dud is Bloodborne. Knack and The Order 1886, among others, promised to be big hits, only to fizzle out quickly after release. On the other hand, the future is looking bright for the system with Ratchet and Clank, Kingdom Hearts 2.8, and (hopefully) The Last Guardian all due to come out this year. It's looking like 2016 will the Sony's year to shine and really balloon the already impressive install base of the PS4. In the end, while the PS4 somewhat lacks it where it counts (except for third party titles obviously), things will only get better from here. 8/10

New 3DS: I should probably start this off with 3DS in general. Once again Nintendo has crafted a great handheld While the 3D effect does look cool, the fact that you have to hold it a certain way to make it work makes it little more than a cool gimmick. With almost full backwards compatibility (minus any accessories that use the GBA port) the 3DS comes out of the gate with some great games. Beyond that, between third parties and Nintendo themselves, the handheld only adds to that extensive library of titles. The circle pad is a welcome addition and the screen resolution, while a little low, really could have been a lot worse as well. On top of all this, the New 3DS (probably not the best name Nintendo) roughly doubles the CPU power of the original 3DS, which really wasn't too light to begin with. It also uses some of that extra juice to run a hardware-based face tracking system that turns the 3D effect into something people might bother to use. I honestly don't turn it off on mine from pure laziness (and it does look cool anyway). The extra processing power can also theoretically allow for exclusive games that the old 3DS couldn't handle before. In practice, however, Xenoblade Chronicles and the SNES Virtual Console are the only things that use that extra power. In short the 3DS family is a great system for gaming on the go, even in this age of Angry Birds and other smartphone games. (3DS) 7.5/10 (New 3DS) 9/10

PS Vita: Last, and unfortunately least is the Vita. Don't get me wrong, it's not a /bad/ system per se. Having refused to bother with a PSP, Sony did woo me enough with their promises to get myself a Vita and it did deliver on them well. Sony has finally killed off the UMD debacle and gone with a handful of games that use standard game cards, or digital titles stored on proprietary flash cards (have they ever heard of microSD?). The ability to play full PS2 remakes and even some PS3 titles on the go with a physical controller besides just a touchscreen is very nice. The addition of a multitouch screen on the front was a nice addition, and the back touchpad was an unusual innovation. While developers really haven't made much good use of it (not unlike the gamepad screen on the Wii U), I have seen one or two good uses of the rear touchpad that fully impressed me. Sadly, after the stellar hardware the software situation really isn't too good. Beyond a few good titles and the standard fare of PSOne classics and a few backwards compatible PSP games, there really just isn't anything good enough to sell the system I'm afraid. The sales are as bad as, if not worse than the Wii U, and it's not hard to see why. Developers are wary of making games for it without a large install base, and people generally don't buy systems with little to no games on them, so it's a proverbial catch-22 situation. If you missed out on the PSP era and want to play PSOne games on the go, or you want to play Minecraft and Terraria on a full gamepad on the go, or you just want the latest Sony handheld I would suggest the PS Vita, but besides that there really isn't a lot to justify the system. (Hardware) 8/10 (Software) 3/10 (Overall) 5.5/10

While I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for this posting, it's just my own thoughts on the systems. Individual results and mileage may vary.

*between tears* The onion is still smelly. Moving on?

In unrelated news, why do those who hate me most not want me to die? I really don't understand why. That aside, I have made the hard decision to postpone my suicide for as long as I can, but I don't know how much longer I can last.

Why do people insist on trying to exploit the death of Robin Williams for their own gain? It's bad enough that the local nuts are trying to use their insane logic to make his death "relevant" to their oddball ideologies. But I can't help but be offended when the suicide prevention groups try to use his death as a way to get more people to their cause. Why do they insist on merely assuming that suicide is never the best answer? Do they enjoy condemning people to lifetimes of pain and suffering? I understand that in many cases, like Williams, might have better alternatives to suicide. But depression causes an immense emotional and sometimes physical pain from which escape often seems impossible. Drugs and therapy may help most cases of it, but both are extremely expensive and not always covered by insurance, so I can understand that his death may have been prevented. Depression is an equal-opportunity attacker. It does not let poor people off the hook. So how do these suicide prevention people think suicide is not worth it for someone who is too poor to afford treatment? What about those that truly are alone in the world with no other means of escape? Who are the selfish ones now? I suppose some of my frustrations with this whole thing comes from my fears that these same people may interfere when it comes time for me to join him, but surely I can't be the only one annoyed at politicizing the tragic death of one who spent decades in the torment of depression.

That being said, I am personally saddened by our loss, although I can somewhat respect Robin's decision to end his suffering and hope he found the peace he has been searching for. He was truly a great legend.

Squirrel: "....Hi." *noms a big acorn* :P

Watched a kids' show I grew up with that I bought the entire series of on DVD...totally worth $50 :D

Puffin rhymes with muffin, and the best muffins are blueberry. Therefore, puffins must be made of blueberries. :P

On this day in 2012...a special museum exhibit has the last day of its debut display at the Smithsonian Art Museum. The name of this exhibit is the Art of Video Games. After today, the exhibit will hit the road, touring museums nationwide. The concept is unique, but is it accurate? Could video games really qualify as an art form the way movies, music, and literature have?

IMO, the answer isn't entirely clear. But this is in the same way as it is for other known forms of art. Not all games could qualify as art, if they are an art form at all. Similarly, while you have Citizen Kane, Macbeth, and Mozart's works as representing the art forms of several forms of media. On the other hand, you also have Twilight, Justin Bieber, and other forms of traditionally artistic media that could hardly be recognized individually as art. With all that being said, could some video games qualify as a new art form?

To answer that question, I believe they are. Like art, some great legends in the gaming world have brought out the inner feelings of the players as they play through and experience the game. Some parts may make you cry, or laugh, or even yell in joy. Looking at a number of the games chosen to represent the artistic value of the medium in the exhibit, I strongly support the decisions and even some of the nominees that didn't make the final cut. Those games may embrace you with beautiful music, take you through an expansive imaginary world that defies the senses, or tell you an epic story, or most likely provide a combination of all of these and more. Furthermore, video games provide a level of interactivity that can give the illusion that players aren't just being told the story, but are experiencing and actively participating in the story. With all this in mind, I believe that video games, when done right, can be one of the purest forms of art yet conceived by mankind.

If anyone ever reads my journals anymore, I have more news on our cat that got crushed by a garage door last year. She's fallen deathly ill, and while she is still alive for now she is on her deathbed. It's been over the last few days that this has happened, and now she is struggling to stay alive. For 18 long years we have had her, and I love her to death, but we have just decided it is best to have her put to sleep. I'm staying at home to receive some furniture that may arrive while mom and my sister are gone to have it taken care of. Still the pain of the loss is really terrible, especially after having her as a part of the family for so long.

Guess it's just one of those times when you want to curl up tightly and escape the world around you. :(

One hopeful highlight from my Ohio trip last month was a wooden roller coaster at King's Island that was not operational. Called "Son of Beast", it was the tallest wooden coaster in the world and, at first, the only one with a loop. It was so tall, it still holds the title of the only wooden hypercoaster ever built. However, an incident on the ride caused it to be closed down in the mid-2000s for repairs. During those repairs, lighter coaster cars were used and the loop removed to ease strain on the structure, as structural failure was the cause of the accident (though no one died as a result of it).

Later, in 2009, Son of Beast was blamed for another injury that, suspiciously, wasn't reported until 2 weeks after the victim rode the coaster. Although the claim has ultimately come to be accepted as fraudulent, Son of Beast has been closed since then. For the next three years, it stood as a tribute to how far wooden coaster technology could be pushed while the park's owners, Cedar Fairs, could decide on what to do with it. Ever since I saw it, I've wanted to conquer it. I've been hoping that it would reopen in the future. Unfortunately, the other day Cedar Fairs dashed all of those hopes against the wall with the announcement that Son of Beast will be removed from the park for good, to make room for additional attractions.

Son of Beast...you will be missed. I can only hope that whatever replaces it will be at least as good as Son of Beast was.

This just in. In response to the "Liberal extremists" celebrating Earth Day, the Republican-controlled Congress is giving a full pardon to all parties involved in the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. According to our insider in the Senate, "America needs oil, and there is always the possibility that accidents can happen. If we hold people and oil companies accountable for these accidents, then it will hurt American jobs and possibly make them raise gas prices or discourage them from doing risky projects like this, or even the Keystone Pipeline." Everyone we've interviewed on this that do celebrate Earth Day have had a unanimous response to this: they are all appalled at this blatant attack on the environment and lack of any responsibility. A few have even threatened the lives of several of the congressmen. Fortunately, the Secret Service operatives we met outside a local brothel have assured us that their lives are in good hands.

In entertainment news, NBC has announced that this summer they will begin filming a new reality show that will be a spinoff of their hit Fear Factor. The new show, titled Fear Factor: Weight Loss Edition, will follow overweight people as they try a number of different diet and weight loss plans to "scare" them down to a normal, healthy weight.

This is Legokid, signing off.

This is the Legokid News Network. All the news the big networks are too afraid to show. All of our information is as accurate as nothing, and our experts are second to none.

Apple has announced officially that it will be entering into the video game industry again with the Pippin 2. According to a representative, the original Pippin was never a failure. "We actually expected to sell about 50,000 units, and we did sell about that much. The others we manufactured were in fact spares that were made for any warranty claims we may have encountered." The executive has said they expect the Pippin 2 to be much more successful and will serve as a better alternative to Microsoft's XBOX 360. In keeping with Apple's tradition of overpricing its products and neglecting one crucial detail in them, the new gaming device is estimated to cost about $2000, and will only be compatible with the Apple TV that is expected to be released later this year. No further details or pictures of the Pippin 2 have been released yet, but the Apple executive had these final words to say, "Keep your eyes, ears, and bodies peeled for E3 2012."

Today the impossible happened.

I graduated...from college. I know I'm not going to grad school, and will try to get a job somewhere, but I'm trying to get over the shock that I did it at all. I mean, this is one of the hardest majors offered by the University (or so they say), and yet I was still able to graduate with a GPA of over 3.00. I'm not even that smart to add to this, so I'm completely surprised this happened at all.

Even though I'll be looking for a job, I'm still a bit lost in life now. I've planned on staying in academia until I got my degree, which I did. But I never really thought of what to do after that. I'm just really confused at this point.

I don't know if it's the sweltering heat of an apartment with no A/C or not, but I finally realized something last night. If I ever want to have friends, being myself...doesn't work. So in order to keep the few friends I do have (and maybe make some more), I need to change...big time. Unfortunately, I'm not sure just what to change about myself to make me likable.

So...in my first journal in a while that's not a flat out rant of me venting frustration, I turn to anyone who bothers to read this. What kind of person do I need to be to keep the friends I still have and make it possible for me to make more? I am open to any and all suggestions. :)

That's right. For a nominal fee, you can have me do your homework for you. My prices are not set, but I am very negotiable (just don't ask for free work). As long as the pay is reasonable, you can have your homework done for you. Add a small premium, and I will even check the work for you and make double sure it is correct.

Just remember: I don't work for charity. Seriously, this college tuition is burning holes in my wallet and I need the money. Besides that, I am open to most any homework commissions.

Even though there is only one person I know of who would ever be my friend here, that one person saw fit to not only read my first (excessively emo) journal, but also replied to it. After assuring me for the millionth time we're still friends, I felt pretty bad for putting him through the kind of trouble yet again. So to that end, I think I owe it to my good friend, to write a second, slightly less emo journal, to apologize for the trouble I've once again put him through.

*steps up to microphone* I'd like to devote this journal to my good friend, Zen Fetcher. Zen...wherever you are, many thanks for enduring me this far, and I hope you can forgive me for my many future mistakes and fears as I try to be a better person for you and all of my other friends. I'm very grateful.


Furry. What is it? Who are they? Personally, I believe a furry is a person who is deeply fascinated and has a great interest in non-human animals. Most often, said animals are mammalian and anthropomorphic. This means that said animals look and behave much like humans, but still have the fur, tails, and other important anatomical elements of the animals they're based off of. Famous examples of such animals include Bugs Bunny (and other Loony Tunes), among others. Similar to the slightly more commonly known Trekkies, furries can show their interest in the culture a number of different ways, such as art, roleplay, and even dressing up as a character of their creation in fursuits. Like Trekkies, furries also meet at a number of conventions worldwide (but most are still in the US currently). As far as the public is concerned, furries are a bunch of perverts who are only in this fandom to yiff (have furry sex). This is a big misconception, generated by the popular media (and maybe the government? :P). But seriously though, while just about every furry I've met online does the adult part to one extent or another, they are far from perverts (or furverts, if you will). All of them are very nice people, and have put up with my worries and emotions this long, and STILL consider me a friend. Most of them don't even make it known very often that they do the adult stuff, with only a few of them publicly making dirty inside jokes. So clearly most furries are /not/ perverts. They are just another unique subculture that has its clean and dirty sides. Are they weird? Absolutely, but not in any bad way at all. And they are by no means a threat to any established order.

Now, am I a furry? Well, it certainly seems possible. I roleplay an anthropomorphic rat, among other animals. I have an interest in foxes, normal and anthropomorphic (it's a weird interest, I know). I like furry art. One of my favorite animated movies of all time is The Secret of NIMH. The adult stuff, well, if I told you, I'd have to kill you. Even if I was into it, do you really think I would tell anyone? So all of the evidence says I probably am a furry. However, I have never met another furry outside the internet and in person to compare myself to. I have never been to a con before in my life, and have no idea when such an opportunity will arise for me. I also lack a fursuit, or even an official fursona. Bottom line: I think it looks likely enough that I am a furry to go ahead and assume I am one. I know my assumptions are usually wrong, but this one might be the first correct assumption I've ever made.

That...is what I believe furry is all about.

Not sure who would care to read this, but I suppose here anyone who even finds this journal can ignore it anyway.

For a number of years, in light of all the abuse and pain I've endured in trying to find friends, I've learned to be cautious and fearful to protect what's left of me emotionally. However, I came close to finally finding friends, but one of them seemed to be pushing me away half the time. Because of that, I was scared that maybe he really didn't want to be my friend, and became scared of him to instinctively protect myself. Now that fear has turned everyone else against me, I'm concerned I have fucked up my latest attempts at having friends and lost them all for good.

By this point, I'm fed up and see only one possible way out of this mess. So to that end I will try to stop protecting myself emotionally in any way. It can't be any worse than it is right now, right? What I don't know is if I'll even bother trying to keep picking up the pieces after I'm severely hurt emotionally. But I suppose that is a hurdle I'll pass when I get to it.

If anyone has found this journal and read this far, I'll assume it's because you have some concern for my feelings (thank you for listening if you do). Sorry for making my first journal so emo, but I'm upset and sort of at a loss about what to really do about it. Is this the right decision for me? Does this have any hope of making things better, or will it not make a difference?

P.S. If said friend I've been afraid of has read this (thank you again for reading), please understand I'm doing this to try and be a better person. You are a good friend, and I am losing everyone because I've been a shitty friend to you. I want you to understand I'm honestly trying to do better, but this is difficult for me.