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Everything is Loud
General | Posted a week agoEverything is Loud
My world has suddenly shifted, as if I was transported to the inside of a massive speaker at a heavy metal concert. All my emotions have been turned up to overwhelming, dizzying, almost painful levels. I am not simply feeling emotions as I once was, I am drowning in them. As if I received this pleasant flavor of happiness, placed it in my mouth and I can’t swallow, like my throat is full of chalk and I can’t savor it.
These last few days, my internal volume dial, the one I thought was locked safely at a manageable level five, has shattered. Now, everything is playing at an unpredictable eleven. The most confusing part of this emotional hurricane is the sheer disorientation of facing it. I don’t know whether this heightened sensitivity is a form of feeling comfortable, a feeling that has evaded my mind for so long, or a prelude to a complete breakdown. The negative emotions are the most relentless. Anxiety is no longer a nervous hum that I learned over time how to manage. Now it feels like it’s back with a wrath for vengeance. It is a live wire thrashing against my insides. In my head it manifests as a physical sound, a high-pitched electronic whine that drowns out rational thought, scattering my nerves. It tells me, constantly and with absolute conviction, that I am forgetting something vital, or falling behind, or that disaster is imminent. My heart races like a trapped bird desperate to escape the cage of my chest, regardless of the calming logic I try to whisper to it. This anxiety brings fear, which is sharper and colder than anxiety. Displaying in visceral flash-frames, sudden, stark images of loss, failure, or the terrifying vulnerabilities in those I love and care for. It is the primal, tightening sensation that makes me breath shallow, convincing me that vigilance is my only defense against this unseen threat. The world feels too sharp, too loud and too close.
On the flip side, the happiness I can taste is equally overwhelming. It’s not the quiet satisfaction of a good day, it’s an ecstasy so potent it feels almost chemically induced. A small moment, simply talking with a friend, listening to a good song, even drinking tea, or completing a drawing sends a single shaft of light into my life that I know I have been missing. I laugh harder than I have in quite a long time, a sound that feels dangerous in its sheer, uncontrolled release. It is a moment of pure, blinding alignment where everything feels right, perfect, and utterly, terrifyingly fragile. I can peer over the cliff as if I was being carried away from a dark place, terrified at the same time because a drop from such a height would be catastrophic. The fog I’ve faced for so long has been lifted, revealing a crushing pressure built up from every injustice, every unresolved sorrow, every universal ache I have ever experienced, remembering every little thing both good and bad with friends, new and old, family and my own confrontations in those moments. When it comes, it renders me immobile, both emotionally static and physically bound. I am afraid not only of this reflecting presence of sorrow, though also mourning losses that haven't even happened yet or vice versa, losses that have happened and the trauma from such times leaving me terrified to think it’ll happen again.
This brings me back to my main concern. How am I supposed to feel about all of this? I find myself observing the feelings rather than just experiencing them, stuck trying to diagnose the intensity. Is this a wake-up call? A sign of too much stress? Or is this simply what it means to be fully aware, to be able to feel the textures of life without the dulling filter I’ve spent years fine-tuning. I believe my confusion lies in the lack of control. I can resist the anxiety, but the resistance only amplifies it. I grasp at the happiness, but the grasping seems to make it slip away faster.
For now, the only answer I can find is reluctant acceptance. I cannot tame the sounds, but I can learn to embrace the feeling they bring. Similarly to how I once overcame the lack of trust I had in my own heartbeat. Anxiety so bad that it worried doctors and nurses in the ER years ago. I got through that and with enough time, patience and resilience I can make it through this too. I can learn to choose what sounds to keep, recognize which emotions are actually good and not just out to harm me. Perhaps the chaos is a necessary clearing, for when I can feel one emotion at a time am I most at peace. Whether that emotion is the good, the bad or the overwhelmingly loud. I am forced to become a witness of the extreme. I become my own seismograph, recording a sudden, massive shift in my own interior landscape, and for the time being, I am learning to read the vibrations, without judging them as a neglect or responsibility. I am learning the language of eleven for as long as it may last. Even if the volume nearly breaks me, I can at least say that for these few strange, raw days, I have never felt more intensely, undeniably, alive. As I shake in both fear and as those I love in my life continue to accept me as I am. I accept who I am, I am here for it all. Bring it on.
Thank you for reading.
My world has suddenly shifted, as if I was transported to the inside of a massive speaker at a heavy metal concert. All my emotions have been turned up to overwhelming, dizzying, almost painful levels. I am not simply feeling emotions as I once was, I am drowning in them. As if I received this pleasant flavor of happiness, placed it in my mouth and I can’t swallow, like my throat is full of chalk and I can’t savor it.
These last few days, my internal volume dial, the one I thought was locked safely at a manageable level five, has shattered. Now, everything is playing at an unpredictable eleven. The most confusing part of this emotional hurricane is the sheer disorientation of facing it. I don’t know whether this heightened sensitivity is a form of feeling comfortable, a feeling that has evaded my mind for so long, or a prelude to a complete breakdown. The negative emotions are the most relentless. Anxiety is no longer a nervous hum that I learned over time how to manage. Now it feels like it’s back with a wrath for vengeance. It is a live wire thrashing against my insides. In my head it manifests as a physical sound, a high-pitched electronic whine that drowns out rational thought, scattering my nerves. It tells me, constantly and with absolute conviction, that I am forgetting something vital, or falling behind, or that disaster is imminent. My heart races like a trapped bird desperate to escape the cage of my chest, regardless of the calming logic I try to whisper to it. This anxiety brings fear, which is sharper and colder than anxiety. Displaying in visceral flash-frames, sudden, stark images of loss, failure, or the terrifying vulnerabilities in those I love and care for. It is the primal, tightening sensation that makes me breath shallow, convincing me that vigilance is my only defense against this unseen threat. The world feels too sharp, too loud and too close.
On the flip side, the happiness I can taste is equally overwhelming. It’s not the quiet satisfaction of a good day, it’s an ecstasy so potent it feels almost chemically induced. A small moment, simply talking with a friend, listening to a good song, even drinking tea, or completing a drawing sends a single shaft of light into my life that I know I have been missing. I laugh harder than I have in quite a long time, a sound that feels dangerous in its sheer, uncontrolled release. It is a moment of pure, blinding alignment where everything feels right, perfect, and utterly, terrifyingly fragile. I can peer over the cliff as if I was being carried away from a dark place, terrified at the same time because a drop from such a height would be catastrophic. The fog I’ve faced for so long has been lifted, revealing a crushing pressure built up from every injustice, every unresolved sorrow, every universal ache I have ever experienced, remembering every little thing both good and bad with friends, new and old, family and my own confrontations in those moments. When it comes, it renders me immobile, both emotionally static and physically bound. I am afraid not only of this reflecting presence of sorrow, though also mourning losses that haven't even happened yet or vice versa, losses that have happened and the trauma from such times leaving me terrified to think it’ll happen again.
This brings me back to my main concern. How am I supposed to feel about all of this? I find myself observing the feelings rather than just experiencing them, stuck trying to diagnose the intensity. Is this a wake-up call? A sign of too much stress? Or is this simply what it means to be fully aware, to be able to feel the textures of life without the dulling filter I’ve spent years fine-tuning. I believe my confusion lies in the lack of control. I can resist the anxiety, but the resistance only amplifies it. I grasp at the happiness, but the grasping seems to make it slip away faster.
For now, the only answer I can find is reluctant acceptance. I cannot tame the sounds, but I can learn to embrace the feeling they bring. Similarly to how I once overcame the lack of trust I had in my own heartbeat. Anxiety so bad that it worried doctors and nurses in the ER years ago. I got through that and with enough time, patience and resilience I can make it through this too. I can learn to choose what sounds to keep, recognize which emotions are actually good and not just out to harm me. Perhaps the chaos is a necessary clearing, for when I can feel one emotion at a time am I most at peace. Whether that emotion is the good, the bad or the overwhelmingly loud. I am forced to become a witness of the extreme. I become my own seismograph, recording a sudden, massive shift in my own interior landscape, and for the time being, I am learning to read the vibrations, without judging them as a neglect or responsibility. I am learning the language of eleven for as long as it may last. Even if the volume nearly breaks me, I can at least say that for these few strange, raw days, I have never felt more intensely, undeniably, alive. As I shake in both fear and as those I love in my life continue to accept me as I am. I accept who I am, I am here for it all. Bring it on.
Thank you for reading.
Trust
General | Posted 3 months agoYou took a sip I did not pour, and walked a step beyond my door. You claimed a moment not designed for your free will, but only mine. A simple, necessary, clear design. So let me show you what you’ve cost, the line you’ve so casually crossed. This wasn’t just a line in sand, it was the trust I had placed high in demand.
I’ll warn you now that if me being vulnerable makes you uncomfortable, it makes me feel like being myself leaves me unguarded. Ashamed when my feelings are left discarded. This is my truth, this is where my story started. I hope it helps you understand why I seem half-hearted.
The cage I built has no locked door, you simply show that you love me less, and not more. Shown to me in my weary eye, I see you have not yet learned to say goodbye. You now learn the weight of every breath of my life is mine to grant, and mine to death.
This is not wrath, it’s dedication. This is not love, it’s suffocation, wearing a mask of sacrifice, and constantly making up for the price.
This bitter seed, this dark, obsessive hum, of what was said, and what I have become. "If only you were kinder, understood," the accusations, understood as, "Your demands are selfish, cold, and stark," Quiet as a shot in the dark.
Now replay starts, a broken seatbelt, the how, the why, the sting felt. A whispered echo, cold and deep, stealing moments from your sleep. This is the loop, the mind's dark grind, the breach of trust that can't unwind.
Then in your soft voice, a sorrowed sigh, a wounded bird beneath my eye. "After all we’ve done together?" you mourn, your own fragile mask, expertly worn. You twist the thread, then make it mine, My fault for drawing that clear line.
What you may not know is I already have threads to bare. Names unspoken made me more self-aware. This thread sowed sorrows, no proud cape to wear. Leaving little room for healing. And so, these wounds, they keep me reeling, unstitched, exposed, and unappealing.
No matter the tears, or time, they tend to not fester in the open, but deep inside.
Rarely these wounds come out into the light, but when they do they aren’t always neatly scarred, instead raw with insight.
Those who leave quietly, warrant love and grief. Those who lie, steal comfort and belief. Leaving wounds forever wide, no skin can form, no closing seam can hide. I often curse the strength that lives in me. This fierce obsession is one I cannot flee, burning both day and night. Won’t be unspoken forever, this is my right.
A dense chaos, dealt in this guilt you weave, making me question what I believe. You paint yourself the one undone, and show my stand as the cruelest one. "You're changing, cold," the soft critique, "so distant now, you never speak." Each word a hook, a subtle chain, to pull me back down, forcing me against my internal hurricane.
In these twin sorrows, woven through my bodies core, broken trust leaves me bleeding evermore. No suture to entwine, just raw, exposed, and exquisitely mine. A constant ache, that alone I cannot shake.
For memory clings to echoes, soft and low, of paths we walked, and where we'll never go. A betrayal's sting refuses to forget, the moment eyes of fondness coldly met. Two kinds of loss, a heavy, double weight, hiding my heart behind an iron gate.
I learn to walk on, love as my vessel, my emotions deep, still surrounded by the unheard secrets I keep. Those I lost in silence, and to lies, today reflect starkly in my exhausted eyes. These open wounds that cover my soul, paint a jagged map, seeming beyond all my control. Carrying the absence of those I love, nearly driven insane, as my life was reshaped by sorrow, and by pain.
Beyond all this pain though as I once said, a light still fights as I lay here in bed, still flickering in the dark. I ask myself now “How could they trust in such a hidden spark?” The answers I still seek, are up at the peak, blocked out by fog, I find myself in fear, where my thoughts are unclear.
For when my trust is taken, this worsens my state, I tend to care mostly about the ones that show hate. You now must know you feed the monsters in my head, with every word you've left unsaid, the boundaries that you broke, and the oppressive guilt you've spoke.
Trust is most important when an inner critic is loud, a gentle touch or kind gesture can leave someone feeling proud. In a world full of so much self-doubt and unease, showing love can heal this disease. So I ask that when a boundary is set, it is not to harm others, but a safe space to soundly protect.
I will never be perfect, no, the scars will always show. I adapt to a wiser version of me, where when life gets hard, I can let someone know. Trust can refreshen, though refused if shown as toxic obsession. Instead discerning enough to earn one's keep, in place of steady rhythm, where I can peacefully sleep. The boundaries I place will continue to stand, not as a prison wall, but as a second shelter, ready and at hand. To me, a sacred place, where my heart can mend, and where those I trust, I can depend.
I’ll warn you now that if me being vulnerable makes you uncomfortable, it makes me feel like being myself leaves me unguarded. Ashamed when my feelings are left discarded. This is my truth, this is where my story started. I hope it helps you understand why I seem half-hearted.
The cage I built has no locked door, you simply show that you love me less, and not more. Shown to me in my weary eye, I see you have not yet learned to say goodbye. You now learn the weight of every breath of my life is mine to grant, and mine to death.
This is not wrath, it’s dedication. This is not love, it’s suffocation, wearing a mask of sacrifice, and constantly making up for the price.
This bitter seed, this dark, obsessive hum, of what was said, and what I have become. "If only you were kinder, understood," the accusations, understood as, "Your demands are selfish, cold, and stark," Quiet as a shot in the dark.
Now replay starts, a broken seatbelt, the how, the why, the sting felt. A whispered echo, cold and deep, stealing moments from your sleep. This is the loop, the mind's dark grind, the breach of trust that can't unwind.
Then in your soft voice, a sorrowed sigh, a wounded bird beneath my eye. "After all we’ve done together?" you mourn, your own fragile mask, expertly worn. You twist the thread, then make it mine, My fault for drawing that clear line.
What you may not know is I already have threads to bare. Names unspoken made me more self-aware. This thread sowed sorrows, no proud cape to wear. Leaving little room for healing. And so, these wounds, they keep me reeling, unstitched, exposed, and unappealing.
No matter the tears, or time, they tend to not fester in the open, but deep inside.
Rarely these wounds come out into the light, but when they do they aren’t always neatly scarred, instead raw with insight.
Those who leave quietly, warrant love and grief. Those who lie, steal comfort and belief. Leaving wounds forever wide, no skin can form, no closing seam can hide. I often curse the strength that lives in me. This fierce obsession is one I cannot flee, burning both day and night. Won’t be unspoken forever, this is my right.
A dense chaos, dealt in this guilt you weave, making me question what I believe. You paint yourself the one undone, and show my stand as the cruelest one. "You're changing, cold," the soft critique, "so distant now, you never speak." Each word a hook, a subtle chain, to pull me back down, forcing me against my internal hurricane.
In these twin sorrows, woven through my bodies core, broken trust leaves me bleeding evermore. No suture to entwine, just raw, exposed, and exquisitely mine. A constant ache, that alone I cannot shake.
For memory clings to echoes, soft and low, of paths we walked, and where we'll never go. A betrayal's sting refuses to forget, the moment eyes of fondness coldly met. Two kinds of loss, a heavy, double weight, hiding my heart behind an iron gate.
I learn to walk on, love as my vessel, my emotions deep, still surrounded by the unheard secrets I keep. Those I lost in silence, and to lies, today reflect starkly in my exhausted eyes. These open wounds that cover my soul, paint a jagged map, seeming beyond all my control. Carrying the absence of those I love, nearly driven insane, as my life was reshaped by sorrow, and by pain.
Beyond all this pain though as I once said, a light still fights as I lay here in bed, still flickering in the dark. I ask myself now “How could they trust in such a hidden spark?” The answers I still seek, are up at the peak, blocked out by fog, I find myself in fear, where my thoughts are unclear.
For when my trust is taken, this worsens my state, I tend to care mostly about the ones that show hate. You now must know you feed the monsters in my head, with every word you've left unsaid, the boundaries that you broke, and the oppressive guilt you've spoke.
Trust is most important when an inner critic is loud, a gentle touch or kind gesture can leave someone feeling proud. In a world full of so much self-doubt and unease, showing love can heal this disease. So I ask that when a boundary is set, it is not to harm others, but a safe space to soundly protect.
I will never be perfect, no, the scars will always show. I adapt to a wiser version of me, where when life gets hard, I can let someone know. Trust can refreshen, though refused if shown as toxic obsession. Instead discerning enough to earn one's keep, in place of steady rhythm, where I can peacefully sleep. The boundaries I place will continue to stand, not as a prison wall, but as a second shelter, ready and at hand. To me, a sacred place, where my heart can mend, and where those I trust, I can depend.
Eat Your Vegetables
General | Posted 2 years agoThis is going to be a deep, personal and emotional ride. It’s my story, and I feel I’m ready to share it with you. I want to tell you how I felt when I was growing up, bullied, and feeling alone. This all makes me who I am now and I want you to know no matter what darkness you’re facing, it’ll be okay.
I found myself at 10 or 11 years old, standing on the side of a bridge looking down at the highway, the thoughts that brought me there weren’t well thought out as I was only a child. I was overwhelmed by emotions yet I remember I wasn’t crying. There wasn’t anything left to feel while I was looking down on the grass below between the lanes. I of course didn’t jump, I didn’t want to endanger anyone else and I feared if I didn’t die, I would be crippled for life. I wanted to die at just 10 years old, I was bullied by others, I didn’t want to go to school, I’d lock myself in the bathroom crying many days, I recall being at my limit for missed days for many years. I sat in the car crying not wanting to go to school, the principal had to come out, my mom had my dad on the phone telling me to go to school. I remember in only fifth grade I went to the bathroom crying and I was in there a long while. I spent a lot of my recesses alone by the fence, playing with whatever I could find, watching bugs or reading a book. I got bored being all alone, I sometimes followed the other kids around not knowing how to interact with them, which just led them to call me a stalker, a freak and many other harsh names. In the end though I didn’t end my life there and I’m still here today. That was a big milestone at a very young age. I didn’t cut myself, though, looking back I did do some harmful things to myself, being a kid it of course I wasn’t turning to alcohol or drugs. When I was around that age I remember hitting my head on the wall, specifically just to feel some other emotion other than self hate or sadness. I bit myself, I scratched at my walls; I had a difficult time. I want what I did to be clear so others who may have a child can watch for similar actions. I’m not an expert, I strongly urge anyone struggling to seek a professional as the worst part of all is that, nobody knew. No one knew what I was going through internally.
All I really had were online friends until I reached highschool. Looking back, I realized I opened new wounds to fill with other peoples' stresses on top of my own. It wasn’t all bad though, I had a group of six or seven friends and we’d celebrate our birthdays together in the art classroom, this is where we would eat lunch often. I think that's one of the things I miss the most about school, is having friends in person to be with, talk to and hug if you need it. I ended up going to prom nearing the end of highschool, still with long hair and not exactly knowing who I was. I didn’t end up going to my graduation because I didn’t want to wear a dress, even for prom I recall I didn’t want to, I mentioned wanting to wear a suit but that was ignored. And since then, I rarely talk to a couple of my old friends. At this point, I was doing my own thing, focusing on art, and mostly hanging out with people online. Back to solely having online friends again, and being between eighteen to twenty years old at this point I was going back to my old ways, same as the beginning of highschool, where I would dedicate my life to being there for others. This often causes people to have materialistic feelings, I found myself often torn between friends a lot more often then than I do now. Being there for others is a gift and a curse. At one point I found myself looking at a friend through a video call, holding a gun in their mouth ready to end their life. I ended up being able to talk them out of doing that. I’m not sure how, but this person is doing well today. Sadly it wasn’t the first time I had that experience with suicidal people, even within my family there were times of these types of emotions coming out. Thankfully everything is going very well for those today. I kept helping people though, seeming to be an endless stream of people in need or struggling, I found them. Though my heart was in the right place,I was ignoring the fact that I was destroying myself at the same time. Without self worth and self love, I continued to struggle with myself, I had to learn to be more of a person and less of a machine. I struggle with waves of depression, dysphoria and ptsd as remnants of those experiences with people I cared so much about. This all brings me to this current time. I’ve learned to embrace changes, letting people go without the comfort of knowing if they’ll be okay. More often than not, they will be fine. You have to put trust in yourself to know you’ll be okay too. After all that is said, I’m going to explain a little bit on how I deal with pain whilst I help others but also remembering to take care of my own health.
It was a struggle through many nights of crying, anxiety and racing thoughts, wondering what they would do, what I would do. Filing through friends as I remember who left my life and those I had to leave behind. My consciousness told me times something had to change. I had no clue how to get unstuck, out of the routine of finding a new person to assist at the sacrifice of myself. That is just what it was too, I was losing myself. My self worth, my well-being, I was losing sight of my goals, which over those years did change a lot. At one point I wanted to be a pilot, and at another it crossed my mind to be a tattoo artist. In the end the furry fandom had won me over, I was making good money selling commissions, trying to avoid selling nsfw content to be honest. I do limit what content I put out of course, I don’t want my character, who is a reflection of myself to become the next thing people like to drool at. It’s not my thing, and I salute the artists who do that. If that's what their goal is then I applaud them. The artists help make this fandom who we are as a community and as a second home for many. I’ve been in this fandom for eleven plus years at this point and I have some other goals in mind. I still want to help people but not in the same harmful ways I used to. I want to help more people, a far more broad amount and not just in the fandom but anyone, anywhere. Loving yourself goes a long way, I’ve learned over my experiences that you can only help people who are willing. You must show yourself you can be proud of who you are, because if you aren’t, you won’t be able to help the people that need it.
To be able to properly help others without hurting yourself, you have to be able to pull them up, not push them up. If you push them up you may find yourself getting left behind and that had happened a lot unfortunately. I have come back stronger and more self-aware than ever before in my life. You have to be stable enough to show a path for others to follow, showing them what happiness looks like and proving that they are not alone in how they may feel and never will be. You are who you’ve been looking for, and if you find yourself feeling hollow inside, you need to show yourself self-love. The world keeps telling you, you are not enough, through media, through marketing, we have grown up thinking we’ve got to wear this, or buy that to be loved by others. That has been proven wrong, I’m just a person, you can’t see me or even hear me but I hope you can feel my emotions through what I’m writing, that's where true love is, it's not in living the high life, it's right inside you where it’s always been. Treat yourself like someone you loved. Do yourself a favor and look into a mirror and see clearly, that the person looking back at you is the only one who can make you happy, that you truly are enough. If you can see that in life you can be a lover and not a fighter and don’t let yourself forget that you are worth it. Lead yourself away from the flaws that you see in your reflection and say to yourself, I am what I’ve been looking for. I believe in myself, I know my self-worth, I am here and I have a purpose. Everyday I am a work in progress. I can forgive my family, past relationships, I can forgive myself. I accept what has happened to me, not accepting that it was okay but that it simply did. You give up the hope that the past could be any different. This will give you a path to escape the past and not let it hold you captive. Write down on paper what excites you, what lights up your eyes and drives joy into you. Find what terrifies you, find what makes you want to back up and hide. These make up who you are, you must accept your emotions, your moods and feelings. Be honest with yourself about how you feel. You are in charge of your thoughts and emotions. You can either drown in your ocean of negativity or build a boat to sail across to your next destination. The destination that describes who you will be. Whether you believe you will fail or believe you will succeed you are right. Over time, one of my biggest achievements in myself was accepting that the emotions I have aren’t personal, everyone has these emotions, 8 billion movies playing at the same time. Give yourself some time to unravel the fact that people can’t see your pain and you can’t see theirs. Be compassionate, be your best self, and never imprison yourself in thinking it's all about you. Understanding that, will make all the difference. Be consistent in your actions to make more positive choices.
Spread love, accept a helping hand, believe in yourself. Thank you for reading. - Written by A simple stranger, a friend and complex person like you. - Oliver <3
I found myself at 10 or 11 years old, standing on the side of a bridge looking down at the highway, the thoughts that brought me there weren’t well thought out as I was only a child. I was overwhelmed by emotions yet I remember I wasn’t crying. There wasn’t anything left to feel while I was looking down on the grass below between the lanes. I of course didn’t jump, I didn’t want to endanger anyone else and I feared if I didn’t die, I would be crippled for life. I wanted to die at just 10 years old, I was bullied by others, I didn’t want to go to school, I’d lock myself in the bathroom crying many days, I recall being at my limit for missed days for many years. I sat in the car crying not wanting to go to school, the principal had to come out, my mom had my dad on the phone telling me to go to school. I remember in only fifth grade I went to the bathroom crying and I was in there a long while. I spent a lot of my recesses alone by the fence, playing with whatever I could find, watching bugs or reading a book. I got bored being all alone, I sometimes followed the other kids around not knowing how to interact with them, which just led them to call me a stalker, a freak and many other harsh names. In the end though I didn’t end my life there and I’m still here today. That was a big milestone at a very young age. I didn’t cut myself, though, looking back I did do some harmful things to myself, being a kid it of course I wasn’t turning to alcohol or drugs. When I was around that age I remember hitting my head on the wall, specifically just to feel some other emotion other than self hate or sadness. I bit myself, I scratched at my walls; I had a difficult time. I want what I did to be clear so others who may have a child can watch for similar actions. I’m not an expert, I strongly urge anyone struggling to seek a professional as the worst part of all is that, nobody knew. No one knew what I was going through internally.
All I really had were online friends until I reached highschool. Looking back, I realized I opened new wounds to fill with other peoples' stresses on top of my own. It wasn’t all bad though, I had a group of six or seven friends and we’d celebrate our birthdays together in the art classroom, this is where we would eat lunch often. I think that's one of the things I miss the most about school, is having friends in person to be with, talk to and hug if you need it. I ended up going to prom nearing the end of highschool, still with long hair and not exactly knowing who I was. I didn’t end up going to my graduation because I didn’t want to wear a dress, even for prom I recall I didn’t want to, I mentioned wanting to wear a suit but that was ignored. And since then, I rarely talk to a couple of my old friends. At this point, I was doing my own thing, focusing on art, and mostly hanging out with people online. Back to solely having online friends again, and being between eighteen to twenty years old at this point I was going back to my old ways, same as the beginning of highschool, where I would dedicate my life to being there for others. This often causes people to have materialistic feelings, I found myself often torn between friends a lot more often then than I do now. Being there for others is a gift and a curse. At one point I found myself looking at a friend through a video call, holding a gun in their mouth ready to end their life. I ended up being able to talk them out of doing that. I’m not sure how, but this person is doing well today. Sadly it wasn’t the first time I had that experience with suicidal people, even within my family there were times of these types of emotions coming out. Thankfully everything is going very well for those today. I kept helping people though, seeming to be an endless stream of people in need or struggling, I found them. Though my heart was in the right place,I was ignoring the fact that I was destroying myself at the same time. Without self worth and self love, I continued to struggle with myself, I had to learn to be more of a person and less of a machine. I struggle with waves of depression, dysphoria and ptsd as remnants of those experiences with people I cared so much about. This all brings me to this current time. I’ve learned to embrace changes, letting people go without the comfort of knowing if they’ll be okay. More often than not, they will be fine. You have to put trust in yourself to know you’ll be okay too. After all that is said, I’m going to explain a little bit on how I deal with pain whilst I help others but also remembering to take care of my own health.
It was a struggle through many nights of crying, anxiety and racing thoughts, wondering what they would do, what I would do. Filing through friends as I remember who left my life and those I had to leave behind. My consciousness told me times something had to change. I had no clue how to get unstuck, out of the routine of finding a new person to assist at the sacrifice of myself. That is just what it was too, I was losing myself. My self worth, my well-being, I was losing sight of my goals, which over those years did change a lot. At one point I wanted to be a pilot, and at another it crossed my mind to be a tattoo artist. In the end the furry fandom had won me over, I was making good money selling commissions, trying to avoid selling nsfw content to be honest. I do limit what content I put out of course, I don’t want my character, who is a reflection of myself to become the next thing people like to drool at. It’s not my thing, and I salute the artists who do that. If that's what their goal is then I applaud them. The artists help make this fandom who we are as a community and as a second home for many. I’ve been in this fandom for eleven plus years at this point and I have some other goals in mind. I still want to help people but not in the same harmful ways I used to. I want to help more people, a far more broad amount and not just in the fandom but anyone, anywhere. Loving yourself goes a long way, I’ve learned over my experiences that you can only help people who are willing. You must show yourself you can be proud of who you are, because if you aren’t, you won’t be able to help the people that need it.
To be able to properly help others without hurting yourself, you have to be able to pull them up, not push them up. If you push them up you may find yourself getting left behind and that had happened a lot unfortunately. I have come back stronger and more self-aware than ever before in my life. You have to be stable enough to show a path for others to follow, showing them what happiness looks like and proving that they are not alone in how they may feel and never will be. You are who you’ve been looking for, and if you find yourself feeling hollow inside, you need to show yourself self-love. The world keeps telling you, you are not enough, through media, through marketing, we have grown up thinking we’ve got to wear this, or buy that to be loved by others. That has been proven wrong, I’m just a person, you can’t see me or even hear me but I hope you can feel my emotions through what I’m writing, that's where true love is, it's not in living the high life, it's right inside you where it’s always been. Treat yourself like someone you loved. Do yourself a favor and look into a mirror and see clearly, that the person looking back at you is the only one who can make you happy, that you truly are enough. If you can see that in life you can be a lover and not a fighter and don’t let yourself forget that you are worth it. Lead yourself away from the flaws that you see in your reflection and say to yourself, I am what I’ve been looking for. I believe in myself, I know my self-worth, I am here and I have a purpose. Everyday I am a work in progress. I can forgive my family, past relationships, I can forgive myself. I accept what has happened to me, not accepting that it was okay but that it simply did. You give up the hope that the past could be any different. This will give you a path to escape the past and not let it hold you captive. Write down on paper what excites you, what lights up your eyes and drives joy into you. Find what terrifies you, find what makes you want to back up and hide. These make up who you are, you must accept your emotions, your moods and feelings. Be honest with yourself about how you feel. You are in charge of your thoughts and emotions. You can either drown in your ocean of negativity or build a boat to sail across to your next destination. The destination that describes who you will be. Whether you believe you will fail or believe you will succeed you are right. Over time, one of my biggest achievements in myself was accepting that the emotions I have aren’t personal, everyone has these emotions, 8 billion movies playing at the same time. Give yourself some time to unravel the fact that people can’t see your pain and you can’t see theirs. Be compassionate, be your best self, and never imprison yourself in thinking it's all about you. Understanding that, will make all the difference. Be consistent in your actions to make more positive choices.
Spread love, accept a helping hand, believe in yourself. Thank you for reading. - Written by A simple stranger, a friend and complex person like you. - Oliver <3
Chaos and Success
General | Posted 2 years agoWe don't always do everything perfect but if you're true to yourself, you try. I've never met a person who is successful without a great amount of self discipline and being able to keep commitments and promises.
You must try and turn this mindset around. Blame no one, not even yourself, look in the mirror on the other side of it, you can see opportunity.
Living for one another, caring for one another, the daily battle, the sacrifices you have to make in life. Never give up hope, never give up on yourself, make good and thoughtful choices, and love who you are.
If you embrace yourself for who you truly are, you may find yourself becoming a person of some humility and your life will take on new meaning. You have the ability to take the negative and turn it into productivity and let it propel you. You are able to learn the things that you have to, and do them. Make a choice, and decide what you’re going to do and how you’re going to do it. Empathize with the fact that you want it so badly, you’re willing to put in work. When doubt comes around, and you aren’t willing to do it, that’s when you find that confidence that you know how to push through and you fall back onto your plan.
Understand that to reach your goals you must apply discipline and consistency. This is an everyday habit to build. It’s not just once and a while, not just on the weekend, not a few times a week. It’s everyday, to be passionate and honest with yourself. You've got to take risks and I'm sure you probably heard that before, but I want to talk to you about why that's so important. First you will fail at some point in your life, accept you will lose and you will embarrass yourself. Sometimes it's best to figure out where you're going. Setting a plan and sticking to that plan no matter what. Make a decision, and have real clarity of how you’ll get there and be prepared for sacrificing your time, friends, and family. Seek knowledge and never be ashamed of yourself, especially in the eyes of others. You can make better choices, have better relationships with more productive people. Make connections that need to be made and find purpose, finding your reason for doing what you love to do. Because when your motivation isn’t there, your reason is. That’s how I work, I remind myself who and what I’m doing this for. It may be for my own well-being, it may be for others. Which brings me to another point. Doing things, constantly being there for others despite your own suffering can be exhausting and ruthless to your mental and physical health. You must monitor your inner thoughts, tell yourself you’re proud of how far you’ve come. Tell yourself you can do this, you must do this. Throw yourself into your passion and ride it to an influential future. Don’t be afraid to learn new skills. You’ve been afraid of things in the past before and you’ve overcome those, this is no different. Learn from people who have been where you’re going and are successful and authentic.
Remember that all progress, big or small, is progress. Taking action and failing is success in itself. This feeling of hopelessness, depression, chaos. It won’t last forever and someday it’ll be your story.
Now you can either accept those feelings or you can get to work, that's all, you just begin. You own your life, you own your mind. What is the difference is the desire to actually do it, the commitment to it and what it will take to achieve it.
You must try and turn this mindset around. Blame no one, not even yourself, look in the mirror on the other side of it, you can see opportunity.
Living for one another, caring for one another, the daily battle, the sacrifices you have to make in life. Never give up hope, never give up on yourself, make good and thoughtful choices, and love who you are.
If you embrace yourself for who you truly are, you may find yourself becoming a person of some humility and your life will take on new meaning. You have the ability to take the negative and turn it into productivity and let it propel you. You are able to learn the things that you have to, and do them. Make a choice, and decide what you’re going to do and how you’re going to do it. Empathize with the fact that you want it so badly, you’re willing to put in work. When doubt comes around, and you aren’t willing to do it, that’s when you find that confidence that you know how to push through and you fall back onto your plan.
Understand that to reach your goals you must apply discipline and consistency. This is an everyday habit to build. It’s not just once and a while, not just on the weekend, not a few times a week. It’s everyday, to be passionate and honest with yourself. You've got to take risks and I'm sure you probably heard that before, but I want to talk to you about why that's so important. First you will fail at some point in your life, accept you will lose and you will embarrass yourself. Sometimes it's best to figure out where you're going. Setting a plan and sticking to that plan no matter what. Make a decision, and have real clarity of how you’ll get there and be prepared for sacrificing your time, friends, and family. Seek knowledge and never be ashamed of yourself, especially in the eyes of others. You can make better choices, have better relationships with more productive people. Make connections that need to be made and find purpose, finding your reason for doing what you love to do. Because when your motivation isn’t there, your reason is. That’s how I work, I remind myself who and what I’m doing this for. It may be for my own well-being, it may be for others. Which brings me to another point. Doing things, constantly being there for others despite your own suffering can be exhausting and ruthless to your mental and physical health. You must monitor your inner thoughts, tell yourself you’re proud of how far you’ve come. Tell yourself you can do this, you must do this. Throw yourself into your passion and ride it to an influential future. Don’t be afraid to learn new skills. You’ve been afraid of things in the past before and you’ve overcome those, this is no different. Learn from people who have been where you’re going and are successful and authentic.
Remember that all progress, big or small, is progress. Taking action and failing is success in itself. This feeling of hopelessness, depression, chaos. It won’t last forever and someday it’ll be your story.
Now you can either accept those feelings or you can get to work, that's all, you just begin. You own your life, you own your mind. What is the difference is the desire to actually do it, the commitment to it and what it will take to achieve it.
Just Another Face in the Crowd
General | Posted 3 years agoJust Another Face in the Crowd
You first have to realize you aren't, all of our differences make us who we are and our differences also bring us together, not only as human beings but also in our passions, with passion comes courage and love to each other in our communities, families and among friends. You must take the time to build your self-worth. I wish that building your self worth was as easy as repeating to yourself that you love yourself, but it's not that simple. The truth is, you have to do something that is worthy of that love, you have to do something that you believe in. You want it to be enough to just exist as you are, but sometimes you feel that isn’t enough and we judge ourselves. People tend to turn to simpler, temporary solutions to ease pain or feelings of negativity. Let me tell you this, you need purpose. You may ask yourself “Why do I even matter?” or “Do I really belong here?” Remember that you don’t have to be extraordinary to love yourself. You must however pursue happiness. What is it that you can do for yourself and the world around you? That goal doesn't have to be big, it just has to be true to you, and that’ll bring you drive. Put in the energy everyday to get up and get out of your head if you are struggling with self doubt.. Create meaning in your life. You have to set an intention, set rules for yourself. Earn credibility within following those rules and believe that you are worthy because you take those small steps to do something that means something important to you. it doesn’t matter what other people think, you have to remind yourself how much it matters, to earn your own worth.
What you believe after you say “I am -” Will shape you. What you believe, will indeed set you on the course to that destination. If you think you will fail, you most likely will, because you lose the faith and drive from the beginning. You need not motivation, but drive when there is nothing and no one to motivate you. Find the meaning behind your drive and let it push you. Thoughts are powerful, thoughts lead to action, actions over time become habits, and habits make up your life. You are stronger than you think you are, don't forget that when times are hard.
I believe the people around you matter, close friends and family, the people you surround yourself with tend to influence you to either remain the same or pursue more. You can choose to surround yourself with people you can learn from in some way. Learning more from other perspectives of the world whether you wish to follow them is up to you, that’s the benefit of the will to choose. Sometimes you have to make big sacrifices, if you don’t sacrifice for what you want, what you want may become the sacrifice in itself. Which means you could lose your end goal and thus the meaning behind it and that can damage other parts of your life that were once good.
Only you can decide if others' opinions become reality. You face your own doubts, your own fears and your own conditioned thoughts you’ve befriended from your past. You have to fight some of your greatest battles, and you’ve made it this far, so don’t give it all up now.
The people close to you, who might do you wrong or maybe you assume they don't believe in you. Those who try to protect you may be shielding you from failure, but the worst of all is the internal enemy, the voices inside your head saying “I’ll never be good enough.” “I want to do this but I can’t.” You want to give to those you love, but you can’t. Your own thoughts will cause you more harm than anything. Though if you can direct those voices to work for you rather than against you, you’ll have the ball in your court. You can finally be proud of yourself by taking charge of your life, having reachable goals, and understanding what your purpose is in life. When you work on yourself daily, you can feel good enough because you are good enough.
Some advice to follow if you’re looking for self improvement is to cut out something that does nothing good for you and replace it with something good for you. Whether that could be as simple as throwing out the bread, chips and donuts, or building your credit back up, quitting smoking or finding the love of your life. There are no limitations to those who are willing to work for it. Don’t react to your life, instead acknowledge that you can create so much more. You are where you are right now because of your past decisions and beliefs. You add value to others for doing what you pursue. Finding what to pursue can be difficult, though no matter your struggles I believe you can get there. I believe in you and I’m proud of you. Thanks for reading. <3
Please share your thoughts on your own struggles and goals below and what you may do next to improve your situation.
You first have to realize you aren't, all of our differences make us who we are and our differences also bring us together, not only as human beings but also in our passions, with passion comes courage and love to each other in our communities, families and among friends. You must take the time to build your self-worth. I wish that building your self worth was as easy as repeating to yourself that you love yourself, but it's not that simple. The truth is, you have to do something that is worthy of that love, you have to do something that you believe in. You want it to be enough to just exist as you are, but sometimes you feel that isn’t enough and we judge ourselves. People tend to turn to simpler, temporary solutions to ease pain or feelings of negativity. Let me tell you this, you need purpose. You may ask yourself “Why do I even matter?” or “Do I really belong here?” Remember that you don’t have to be extraordinary to love yourself. You must however pursue happiness. What is it that you can do for yourself and the world around you? That goal doesn't have to be big, it just has to be true to you, and that’ll bring you drive. Put in the energy everyday to get up and get out of your head if you are struggling with self doubt.. Create meaning in your life. You have to set an intention, set rules for yourself. Earn credibility within following those rules and believe that you are worthy because you take those small steps to do something that means something important to you. it doesn’t matter what other people think, you have to remind yourself how much it matters, to earn your own worth.
What you believe after you say “I am -” Will shape you. What you believe, will indeed set you on the course to that destination. If you think you will fail, you most likely will, because you lose the faith and drive from the beginning. You need not motivation, but drive when there is nothing and no one to motivate you. Find the meaning behind your drive and let it push you. Thoughts are powerful, thoughts lead to action, actions over time become habits, and habits make up your life. You are stronger than you think you are, don't forget that when times are hard.
I believe the people around you matter, close friends and family, the people you surround yourself with tend to influence you to either remain the same or pursue more. You can choose to surround yourself with people you can learn from in some way. Learning more from other perspectives of the world whether you wish to follow them is up to you, that’s the benefit of the will to choose. Sometimes you have to make big sacrifices, if you don’t sacrifice for what you want, what you want may become the sacrifice in itself. Which means you could lose your end goal and thus the meaning behind it and that can damage other parts of your life that were once good.
Only you can decide if others' opinions become reality. You face your own doubts, your own fears and your own conditioned thoughts you’ve befriended from your past. You have to fight some of your greatest battles, and you’ve made it this far, so don’t give it all up now.
The people close to you, who might do you wrong or maybe you assume they don't believe in you. Those who try to protect you may be shielding you from failure, but the worst of all is the internal enemy, the voices inside your head saying “I’ll never be good enough.” “I want to do this but I can’t.” You want to give to those you love, but you can’t. Your own thoughts will cause you more harm than anything. Though if you can direct those voices to work for you rather than against you, you’ll have the ball in your court. You can finally be proud of yourself by taking charge of your life, having reachable goals, and understanding what your purpose is in life. When you work on yourself daily, you can feel good enough because you are good enough.
Some advice to follow if you’re looking for self improvement is to cut out something that does nothing good for you and replace it with something good for you. Whether that could be as simple as throwing out the bread, chips and donuts, or building your credit back up, quitting smoking or finding the love of your life. There are no limitations to those who are willing to work for it. Don’t react to your life, instead acknowledge that you can create so much more. You are where you are right now because of your past decisions and beliefs. You add value to others for doing what you pursue. Finding what to pursue can be difficult, though no matter your struggles I believe you can get there. I believe in you and I’m proud of you. Thanks for reading. <3
Please share your thoughts on your own struggles and goals below and what you may do next to improve your situation.
Commissions Themes Masterlist
General | Posted 3 years agoHi there! Welcome to my masterlist of themes for commissions I will most likely accept, will not accept, and things I’m on the fence about depending on the circumstances!
My favorite commissions to take on are big vibrant and lively nature scenes, involving mountain ranges, forests, flower fields, or even underwater views! I love painting clouds with sunsets/sunrises, storms and other dramatic weather or elemental themes! Dynamic or very expressive poses, unique species and personal valuable moments with a story behind it also excite me with taking on a new commission! :)
Bottom line, whether it's a SFW or NSFW drawing, I want the viewer of my work to feel a strong emotion towards the scene!
Art I would love to take on and would most likely accept:
General Content:
Most Religious and non-religious holiday themes Examples (Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Valentines, St. Patrick's Day, Thanksgiving, Remembrance Day, Veterans Day, Halloween etc.)
Support of LGBTQ+/PRIDE
Ancient history/artifacts or ruins
Spiritual themes
Use of magic
Natural environments
Dungeons
Shower / Bath
Guns / Warfare weapons / Military themes in a harmless and respectful manner.
Fetish Content:
BDSM
Bondage/Shibari/Mummification (Gags,Blindfold,cuffs, other restricting wear)
Latex
Tickling/Tickle Torture
Clean Feet/Paws Worship
Orgasm Control/Edging
Milking
ABDL (Clean only)
Electrostimulation
Impact Play (Using paddles, whips or spanking etc.)
Maw Shots
Soft Vore
Wax Play
Pup Play
Bulges
Knotting
Ice Play
Vanilla Anal/Vaginal penetration
Oral (blowjobs/licking/sucking)
Physical Appearance:
Many mythical creatures
Exotic Species/Hybrids
Robotic characters
Insects/Arachnids
Plant themed characters
Avians
Dragons/Scalies
Fish/Shark/Whale character
Feral Characters(With Anthro Characteristics)
Art I will not accept based on my comfort zones, copyright restrictions and skill limitations
General Content:
Discriminating or hate content
Political themes
Themes with drug/alcohol use
Intense violence / Non-consensual acts of harm or foul play
Self-harm
Guns / Warfare weapons / Military themes portrayed in a harmful or disrespectful manner.
Fanart such as themes from tv shows, movies, anime, games or celebrities.
Fetish Content:
Non-Consensual
Water Sports
Wet/Messy Diapers
Pregnancy/Breeding
Dirty Feet/Paws
Inflation
Physical Appearance:
"Pokesonas” or similar are not accepted.
Overly muscular/obese individuals OR emaciated/overly skinny individuals
Humanoids
Hyper Genitalia or other body parts
Taurs
Pool toy characters
NSFW Feral Characters (With no Anthro Characteristics) Having text with them speaking would make them have anthro characteristics for example.
Themes I am on the fence about depending on specific circumstances:
General Content:
Reenacting film/celebrity scenes from film, music or tv shows.
Fetish Content:
Scratching
Hard Vore
Portals
Hypnosis
Genital Vore
Physical Appearance:
Excessive scarring
Exposed bone/flesh
Characters with multiple sets of wings or many tails (3 or more)
Plush Characters
If you have questions, contact me on here by sending a note, via telegram or discord. Both found on my introduction ^^
My favorite commissions to take on are big vibrant and lively nature scenes, involving mountain ranges, forests, flower fields, or even underwater views! I love painting clouds with sunsets/sunrises, storms and other dramatic weather or elemental themes! Dynamic or very expressive poses, unique species and personal valuable moments with a story behind it also excite me with taking on a new commission! :)
Bottom line, whether it's a SFW or NSFW drawing, I want the viewer of my work to feel a strong emotion towards the scene!
Art I would love to take on and would most likely accept:
General Content:
Most Religious and non-religious holiday themes Examples (Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Valentines, St. Patrick's Day, Thanksgiving, Remembrance Day, Veterans Day, Halloween etc.)
Support of LGBTQ+/PRIDE
Ancient history/artifacts or ruins
Spiritual themes
Use of magic
Natural environments
Dungeons
Shower / Bath
Guns / Warfare weapons / Military themes in a harmless and respectful manner.
Fetish Content:
BDSM
Bondage/Shibari/Mummification (Gags,Blindfold,cuffs, other restricting wear)
Latex
Tickling/Tickle Torture
Clean Feet/Paws Worship
Orgasm Control/Edging
Milking
ABDL (Clean only)
Electrostimulation
Impact Play (Using paddles, whips or spanking etc.)
Maw Shots
Soft Vore
Wax Play
Pup Play
Bulges
Knotting
Ice Play
Vanilla Anal/Vaginal penetration
Oral (blowjobs/licking/sucking)
Physical Appearance:
Many mythical creatures
Exotic Species/Hybrids
Robotic characters
Insects/Arachnids
Plant themed characters
Avians
Dragons/Scalies
Fish/Shark/Whale character
Feral Characters(With Anthro Characteristics)
Art I will not accept based on my comfort zones, copyright restrictions and skill limitations
General Content:
Discriminating or hate content
Political themes
Themes with drug/alcohol use
Intense violence / Non-consensual acts of harm or foul play
Self-harm
Guns / Warfare weapons / Military themes portrayed in a harmful or disrespectful manner.
Fanart such as themes from tv shows, movies, anime, games or celebrities.
Fetish Content:
Non-Consensual
Water Sports
Wet/Messy Diapers
Pregnancy/Breeding
Dirty Feet/Paws
Inflation
Physical Appearance:
"Pokesonas” or similar are not accepted.
Overly muscular/obese individuals OR emaciated/overly skinny individuals
Humanoids
Hyper Genitalia or other body parts
Taurs
Pool toy characters
NSFW Feral Characters (With no Anthro Characteristics) Having text with them speaking would make them have anthro characteristics for example.
Themes I am on the fence about depending on specific circumstances:
General Content:
Reenacting film/celebrity scenes from film, music or tv shows.
Fetish Content:
Scratching
Hard Vore
Portals
Hypnosis
Genital Vore
Physical Appearance:
Excessive scarring
Exposed bone/flesh
Characters with multiple sets of wings or many tails (3 or more)
Plush Characters
If you have questions, contact me on here by sending a note, via telegram or discord. Both found on my introduction ^^
A bit about me :)
General | Posted 4 years agoHey there! My name is Oliver/Lemon! I am a 25 year old trans man currently living in Canada. I love meeting new people and learning about their lives and their backgrounds.
After six years of working solely on digital and traditional drawings, I decided to take a step back and change my goals. I became an entrepreneur and decided to start creating storyboards and my very own pieces of writing. Alongside this, I also began writing motivational speeches with the desire to help make anyone who read them smile and feel worthy of themselves. Writing stories led to me creating and designing unique original characters, environmental illustrations, and eventually taking on the role of directing a 2D film titled “Out of Darkness”. I soon began studying animation, how to compose scripts for screenwriting, and even taking a couple of voice acting courses despite me not planning on voicing any lines of dialogue myself.
This eventually became too much work for me to handle on my own, so I reached out for help. I reached out to my friends, strangers, and to anyone with a passion and willingness to lend a hand(or paw). I have completely dedicated myself to finding skilled individuals that are willing to help take on this project and turn it into an exciting 2D interactive film, while at the same time creating a helpful and positive community. I am very grateful for each of you supporting this project alongside my personal work – it truly means the world to me.
Similarly to many of you I’m sure, I was bullied a lot when I was young. We had a tough time, we felt different and out of place in the world. Even then, when we were young the world seemed a whole lot smaller than how we see it today. It’s grown harder for all of us recently, and the world can be scary at times. But I don’t see this as a bad thing. I see it as a way to grow and become better. And that’s why I’m still here today.
In high school, my mindset greatly improved. I never ended up going to my graduation because I didn’t want to wear a dress or be seen as a woman, that decision severed most ties I had with my high school friends, which is typically normal in a sense. I just knew what I felt wasn’t right for me. I looked in the mirror and didn’t see the real me looking back. This is where I started questioning my life further- In a good way this time! I didn’t know then what being transgender was. What I did know though is that for years, I felt more comfortable wearing a hat, to keep my long hair out of my face at all times, I didn't wear make-up or act like a stereotypical very feminine woman. I had a fursona named Aloe at the time, who I still own to this day. Who is intersex, they had unique genitalia which is not defined as male or female. I felt more comfortable easing in this way and as more time passed, I found out what being transgender truly was. This went on for years, until just recently I had the pleasure of coming out to my closest brother, and then my mother. Which both took it well, thankfully. I cut my hair, bought a safe wearable binder and a packer/STP and I’m very, very slowly changing into the person I have always seen hiding behind that mask in the mirror.
In the end, just remember life is beautiful because whatever you are facing now, with so many moving parts, everyday is a new day and a new opportunity, this life is only temporary. With more meaning than you could ever imagine hidden under the sheets of sleepless nights, tears of frustration and anger and feeling like you just want to give up. Many people take life for granted, missing out on the resources we have at our fingertips, not living to their full potential. There will be challenges where you won’t understand at that moment. Life is about learning and overcoming. It isn’t your fault you don’t know, what you are at fault for is giving up. Not continuing to work towards a goal that maybe you’ve had for years. Life is a beautiful thing, it has meaning, it has reason. No one deserves to steal your happiness, you have the right to live it. Discipline yourself and take full responsibility for the outcome. You must face the challenge, and remember sometimes you will have to go through these changes, that put you in a position that makes you feel hopeless and the only thing left to do is give up. I believe life has a balance, and whether what you are going through right now is good or bad, believe in yourself and know that people you keep close become a reflection of you. Do not let misery control you. Do not let anyone invalidate your purpose in life. Find your reason, stick to your reason, and let nothing stand in the way.
Thank you for reading this little journal and an overview of how I feel and why I create the work I do. Like many artists here, there is passion running through every brush stroke, sketch and line in my work. I hope to inspire you and give your busy mind a break and enjoy a scene or give you an emotion you haven't felt in a while. - Best regards, Oliver
After six years of working solely on digital and traditional drawings, I decided to take a step back and change my goals. I became an entrepreneur and decided to start creating storyboards and my very own pieces of writing. Alongside this, I also began writing motivational speeches with the desire to help make anyone who read them smile and feel worthy of themselves. Writing stories led to me creating and designing unique original characters, environmental illustrations, and eventually taking on the role of directing a 2D film titled “Out of Darkness”. I soon began studying animation, how to compose scripts for screenwriting, and even taking a couple of voice acting courses despite me not planning on voicing any lines of dialogue myself.
This eventually became too much work for me to handle on my own, so I reached out for help. I reached out to my friends, strangers, and to anyone with a passion and willingness to lend a hand(or paw). I have completely dedicated myself to finding skilled individuals that are willing to help take on this project and turn it into an exciting 2D interactive film, while at the same time creating a helpful and positive community. I am very grateful for each of you supporting this project alongside my personal work – it truly means the world to me.
Similarly to many of you I’m sure, I was bullied a lot when I was young. We had a tough time, we felt different and out of place in the world. Even then, when we were young the world seemed a whole lot smaller than how we see it today. It’s grown harder for all of us recently, and the world can be scary at times. But I don’t see this as a bad thing. I see it as a way to grow and become better. And that’s why I’m still here today.
In high school, my mindset greatly improved. I never ended up going to my graduation because I didn’t want to wear a dress or be seen as a woman, that decision severed most ties I had with my high school friends, which is typically normal in a sense. I just knew what I felt wasn’t right for me. I looked in the mirror and didn’t see the real me looking back. This is where I started questioning my life further- In a good way this time! I didn’t know then what being transgender was. What I did know though is that for years, I felt more comfortable wearing a hat, to keep my long hair out of my face at all times, I didn't wear make-up or act like a stereotypical very feminine woman. I had a fursona named Aloe at the time, who I still own to this day. Who is intersex, they had unique genitalia which is not defined as male or female. I felt more comfortable easing in this way and as more time passed, I found out what being transgender truly was. This went on for years, until just recently I had the pleasure of coming out to my closest brother, and then my mother. Which both took it well, thankfully. I cut my hair, bought a safe wearable binder and a packer/STP and I’m very, very slowly changing into the person I have always seen hiding behind that mask in the mirror.
In the end, just remember life is beautiful because whatever you are facing now, with so many moving parts, everyday is a new day and a new opportunity, this life is only temporary. With more meaning than you could ever imagine hidden under the sheets of sleepless nights, tears of frustration and anger and feeling like you just want to give up. Many people take life for granted, missing out on the resources we have at our fingertips, not living to their full potential. There will be challenges where you won’t understand at that moment. Life is about learning and overcoming. It isn’t your fault you don’t know, what you are at fault for is giving up. Not continuing to work towards a goal that maybe you’ve had for years. Life is a beautiful thing, it has meaning, it has reason. No one deserves to steal your happiness, you have the right to live it. Discipline yourself and take full responsibility for the outcome. You must face the challenge, and remember sometimes you will have to go through these changes, that put you in a position that makes you feel hopeless and the only thing left to do is give up. I believe life has a balance, and whether what you are going through right now is good or bad, believe in yourself and know that people you keep close become a reflection of you. Do not let misery control you. Do not let anyone invalidate your purpose in life. Find your reason, stick to your reason, and let nothing stand in the way.
Thank you for reading this little journal and an overview of how I feel and why I create the work I do. Like many artists here, there is passion running through every brush stroke, sketch and line in my work. I hope to inspire you and give your busy mind a break and enjoy a scene or give you an emotion you haven't felt in a while. - Best regards, Oliver
