And I've yet shown any improvement, let alone did anything significant.



I've just stopped drawing, doesn't even feel like people care, I shouldn't let this bother me, yet part of me does.



When I joined DA/FA, I saw a fun place where people shared their art/kink and I could happily be in some part of it. I wasn't the best, or do I think I will ever be, but, the fact there was many who shared my interests as well made me felt welcomed.



I gave gifts, attempted to draw on my own, and participated in a small contest. At the time, it felt really good. Just chatting with others despite my hermit nature or have some fun via sharing a note. despite how awkward I can be (and still am)



but now nearly a decade later. people I knew of on this site and others have either left, passed away or so on, I seem to struggle more to speak to anyone, let alone carry a conversation. Notes that fill my inbox now (or in the chat) are of scams and rampant bots with multiple accounts, the fact I somehow have people who for some reason or another just wants to keep causing trouble (it's been nearly ten years dude... let it go.)



I just... feel tired... and this time it genuinely feels different as opposed to the other times when I've felt down. thanks to stuff that still outside of my control, and though there's still people fighting in defiance in their own ways... it seems as if it's just speaking to a void.



to think, with places like DA least when starting out, I got to a point I felt comfortable to show who I be through my furry self and my OC's. never expected to be a "Celebrity" but it felt neat to be known. Yet I've haven't even managed to feel comfortable on my own journey. like in some aspect I've failed



I don't want to give up, I don't want to end things. I don't want to stop..



but what can I do when I feel am absolutely lying to myself when I say that it'll be fine?

not much else to say but that so yeah

should be back sometime next week, but then again will be out once more (summer travels and changes ya know.)

I don't talk much about stuff IRL and such but seriously as the new month rolls in....

With the "wonderful" ways of American leadership I have no doubt in my mind. It strengthens those who want to destroy or hurt anyone trying to support Pride,
And this time hardly any punishment will happen.
Heck I think I've said it once before but, if my folks knew my stance (and what I've gotten commission wise)
I'd probably be forced to shut things down and cut off ties. (nearly happened once before) and I don't want to lose what I really enjoy DA and FA wise.

Stay safe, support those who are with you.

Am probably a broken record but the fact how things are over here with politics... just sucks.

Thetiedtigress posted this (and definitely sums it up better)

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11140572/

I want to keep enjoying what I do, but heck I don't say much about what goes on with me IRL wise but definitely have stated before, if my folks saw the actual stuff I've commed and gotten happily.

I'd probably not be on here. be forced into stuff I really DON'T want to be part of.

do what you can, and just keep holding on.

https://youtu.be/qmsF3xbqnR8?si=HvK.....J4C2g&t=35


My actual mental state with things honestly.


It's... been hard to say the least due to various things I simply do not have any control over.

The fact I've been basically in ground zero with the... wonderful changes with my work, somehow NOT getting let go, but now having to report on a weekly basis (something I already do) but via "bullet points" else I would be further reviewed of my job.

Seeing co-workers who have been at their jobs some just starting, others being there for ages now being told they're "redundant" by a petulant person who's just incredibly full of themselves.

along with that, still seeing people who are struggling financially as I see it far too often nowadays to the point things are VERY dire, but alas I can't help due to several situations that cropped up on my own end.

There was a time I was able to take such chances and it wouldn't effect me financially, but now thanks to pretty much everything; that's once again something I could not control, I have to try and budget as best I can.


I would like to say am thankful it's nothing medical, but the fact I'm still paying for repairs for my home and such. it's kinda annoying.

When I got on here seeing people that shared my kinks and being able to help others when things were sucky for them was a great feeling...

yet it never seemed to solved the problems.

and now as things keep getting more and more uncertain I just hope.

Is it pointless? I don't see it that way, because it's NOT a sin to have empathy being apathetic is.

Regardless with how rough things are, I'll still try to just enjoy what time allows it as this clip says pretty much what I need to remember.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRqB2pm33IM

just try to do what you can.

It's really easy and understandable to get mad with things going on, definitely seems like it's just going to be rough and the damage is absolutely going to be permanent...

But that shouldn't lead to giving up. cause that's EXACTLY what they want.

I don't have as much freedom as I like due to family stuff.

But when the chances allow it, and I get to chat with people here or on discord etc to talk about my interests and kinks? It's awesome.


easier said than done I know. but please, keep trying to hold on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUZwblurraA

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Kv4iO.....MgYXdheQ%3D%3D

But seriously thanks for watching commenting or lurking.

Was once asked to describe how this year has been for myself.


In one word? Eventful


It was bad and good and so on.


Start of the year I lost a friend, I won’t say much on how but the fact problems still arise from what he did. Definitely made things hard.


Felt comfortable to say my sexual orientation, but still am single but eh, could be worse things lol.


Reached a full year at my new job and… now being the only guy at my job, two of the other guys who I was somewhat relying on to help with. Retired/got a new job elsewhere. (no pressure right?)


I had to (and still have to) deal with some serious auto problems that set me back a bit.


How do I feel about the upcoming year on top of it all?


Honestly? Terrified, not to say there are some things I’m looking forward too (a planned vacation to epic universe might happen) but to say the least, I’m not too hopeful things are going to be… really good.


I hope I am wrong and perhaps things can get better, but the fact I’m also at a point I am struggling to save up for fun commissions (along with others having to raise their prices or stop because of the constant rule changes)it’s a bummer.


I want to keep doing more fun things, and I am still happy to just be who I am, I wish I could do a bit more for others as well.


The world is harsh, it shouldn’t mean people who are trying to get through or enjoy fun things much more painful. But that’s just me being sappy and silly.


I hope the upcoming year pans out for you and all who are still here.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUZwblurraA

What will happen now.


A discussion with my family was pretty much this

"It's god's will, did you know someone predicted this happening? With our president being attacked, then hardship? It's fine!"

That... did NOT made me feel ANY better on things. seriously this is how faith leads me?

A lot... a lot of bad things seem to just keep happening and it just seems like there's no end to it.

I kept telling myself, "stay hopeful, you can do it" but I don't even know.

I can't even afford to help or commission art, also I just want a better PC to play games on it.. let alone I've kinda feel like the fact I've gone out of my way to gift others, not expecting anything in return.
But seems like people I've helped only lead to more problems or little to no care. perhaps I've been taken advantage of without knowing?

I am still happy with who I am and I definitely don't have regrets in that regard.

But if I am honest?

I, don't think I'll really be able to ever be my true self and I have to be reminded this by some sort of bad thing..

I just want to enjoy feminine things, bondage, and chatting with others if the chance allows it.

anyhow I just ramble.

The wonders of said media belonging to a wealthy idiot is definitely getting even the most seasoned of artists disappointed and frustrated with the nonsensical hoops that have to be jumped even more now.

I'm still not to fond of DA, the AI nonsense and bots are still in MASSIVE supply there and sadly aren't going away anytime soon. However a good few that I've gotten commissions and such from here are still posting, figured I might as well.


I'm still a bit more active on FA (trying to be!) and now Bluesky, am only staying on other sites cause I definitely enjoy getting commissions When I have the money for it ^^;



anyhow this was simply just a rant thing I wanted to get out hopefully something can get better for those still holding out in the storm of the wealthy temper tantrum.



Check out my Bluesky if you'd like.

https://bsky.app/profile/leozentos.bsky.social

I never knew Dragonner, but the last thing I saw before his passing was how he was struggling with what is our "wonderful" healthcare system.

That... truly is upsetting.

now as more word is coming out, FA seems on shaky ground, even moreso than before.

I honestly am still not sure myself what I'll do, because nowdays I kinda just post art I commission and gifts for others. hardly have done any art myself save for a few coloring pics ^^;

But I definitely like it here, and though DA was my main home at first being on FA helped me explore my interests and kinks.

So, not sure what's going to happen, but I'll be around, probably just lurk more. But should things end here, it was fun.

This is probably the first time the journals I post are separate topic wise. As opposed to DA I don't think I'll be quitting/leaving here. though I do wish I focused more on my own art.

FA is wonky, but it's not as bad as other places... (not giving a LOT of credit though)

However, what's not different is the fact how things have been with me.

Though am still a hermit with things, and my job/IRL I've been trying to chat and commission/get some ideas going again.

Things overall have been... eventful to say the least, it hasn't been the worst but, hopefully something better can happen.

I may not be one of those "suspiciously" wealthy furries but I am happy for what I was able to do and hopefully can STILL do.

I'm not the best but can always try to do better... if it can happen ^^;

Physically am ok mentally am okay but still things around me everywhere else is just... nuts ^^;

Akira Toriyama's passing definitely is news I didn't think I would've heard anytime soon, but the fact this has happened.

this year is definitely shaping up into something else.

I haven't had any time to do art and honestly I feel like this page is just now something to show my commissions moreso than just my works.

not to say that's not bad thing, but I definitely would like it way more if I had some sort of progress in that regard.

till then just got to keep doing what I can I suppose.

and to Mr. Toriyama.... I won't forget these theme songs anytime soon see you on the other side

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4vjJrGeh1c

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElqB359i_Os

Things just keep happening in ways I never expect...

I'll keep it brief, but lost someone I knew growing up.

a few years younger than me, it was hard being there at the funeral.

It was very somber, and a little chaotic, his father wasn't on the best of terms with various things.
Thankfully nothing grew too hectic from that. The harder task is going forward without him.

As I get back into things, there's still just a lot I need to do, a part of me out of it. Not sure if I'm really "ready" to go back to working and such.

but there's the other part of me where I am telling myself "hey get some fun stuff!" to not only better my mood but just because it's something I want.

if anything I just hope that despite how hard things are for many, people try to help. (sappy/stupid etc I know it's been probably repeated, but that's what can make something I hope)

I'm holding up.

there's just a lot that is going on and hardly am finding anyplace to be able to least have someone listen. Of course the internet being... the internet that's definitely asking WAY too much.

just, need to keep hoping and moving forward.

This probably shouldn't really surprise those who read these but by far has been the roughest year for me artwise. I kinda been dealing with a lot and the fact of how certain changes on sites here and others,


However not everything has been too bad for me RL wise, got a new job, which I've been focusing more on along with trying to shape up myself for the better knocked down a few pounds (and TRYING to keep them OFF!!)

But I also am finding just really hard to keep in touch with others I used to chat frequently online and such about art and ideas just as infrequent because of the insanity that is RL...

many, many, many things, are trying to just mess up what people found fun, online and real life.

not to dampen the fact I didn't enjoy my time on here, it's been and still has fun moments! Overtime though my hermit-ish nature as well with RL situations kinda just kept putting things on hold.

it's been neat to come across lots who have shared my interests and just share and chat when the time allowed, but granted it wasn't all grand I definitely had moments with those I could have been better with others on here and had to learn that some were just there to cause trouble.

I keep being told that I am a nice guy and such but there are just times I don't see it probably if anything cause of my confidence with my art and my self.

I don't regret what I've done when it came to trying to help others, granted it wasn't perfect and it sure as heck didn't solve the problems, it was a nice buffer for the time I guess ^^;

anyhow I just rant here's hoping and bracing for the new year.

https://youtube.com/shorts/IaJE6CSz.....SFu5V6FH_n0Yi1

So I had stopped posting here because at least on this site I kinda would like to just post my own art here, rather than what I commission now. Thus twitter was my "active" site.
but out fo the blue I got hit with this lovely thing.

https://sta.sh/019kzjxbukhk

Normally I wouldn't be as upset but it does because I'm now cut off several artists that I was chatting to for commissions, they hopped off from here and save for a few other platforms that are dwindling or hardly showing.


I am already attempting to appeal this but already, the foundations that Musky tore already has made this more of a hassle than it needs to be.


I don't mind posting here but still am uncertain.

well with the whole nonsense FA just went through, a part of me feels like I'll have to head elsewhere.

But I'll stick around till otherwise, I am thinking about going onto Weasyl still not too certain about newgrounds (and DA) but I'll be lurking as I have been...

I do want to kinda get back to my own art and such kinks aside but it's been conflicting for me.

I do feel great being in touch with my kink, that's definitely not going to change any time soon, but I do want to do more with my OC's other than just being kinky things

you'll still see this blue obsessed kitty getting kinky things, but as for my OC's? I'm not really going to get them into as much kinky shenanigans. (but hey I'm not saying no!)

Been kinda want to flesh them out more just with pics and such so yeah

Am still just going to do what I have been doing, perhaps will just be elsewhere as well.

So here's hoping!

I don't usually look into policy updates on here, but then seeing the uproar showing up on different feeds I too am puzzled.

I understand what their goal was, but it definitely seems like there's a lot of panic and serious broad strokes for the rules overall.

- NO, there is no blanket ban across species.
- NO, there is no list of species that we will always take action on.
- YES, characters in your NSFW art must be aged up.
- NO, simply making something bigger or smaller does not indicate age.
- We look at anatomy proportionally alongside other context in submissions.

Again, small or otherwise cute adults, Pokemon/Digimon or not, will not be removed unless they proportionally/anatomically represent a child.



Despite them clarifying this, they already kinda set fire to things and am certain there's still going to be confusion and just odd stuff...

I feel like places to just post art nowdays are getting smaller and smaller...

To those who replied on my last journal, thank you

I do feel a tad better, and managed to vent a few things here and there. But I am better off than before.

I still feel like am a ghost with some people, I am not super social (and I blame work and IRL stuff for that) but yeah. Been struggling to art, finding time to chat, and the fact coms I used to get are also getting kinda held up aren't good either. (It's bit shallow I suppose but I like getting my kinks lol)

But guess it's happening for many too. So no need to really complain, am pretty much preaching to the kinky choir I suppose lol.

But in other words hope can just keep doing more and thank you for the support seriously.

it feels really dumb to type this out cause one; I feel like no one cares to read this... or two; people think this is just for attention...

I don't know anymore I just, want to vent about stuff but have no idea how to go about it. I can't focus am trying to play games or what have you and it just isn't working.

gonna probably delete this later.

been awhile since this journal's been updated...

things are just crazy aren't they?

just want to try an art struggling to do that even getting coms it seems ^^;

ah well... still will try to enjoy things I can.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj4sWmdwbjQ

here go get yourself a space kitty

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/49088345/

I still want to give a bit love to my OC's that've been on the back burner due to coming me, myself, and I and my kinks and such

I have my pokegals, chaotic mini shark gal Reaka, my funny honey bee Agave, my Dalmatian missy Alexa and of course my shark cat Xenia who I absolutely want to do more with (non kink wise)

but yeah just something am thinking about.