On vacation that is!

Main reason been rather quiet and sporadic (well what else is new with my ways?) I shall be gone for a solid week with family on a very much anticipated trip.

Hopefully with this week, it helps me focus things, put my mind at ease with a lot of unwanted troubles, and perhaps things get better forward.

With that said, I wish you guys the best and hope to see you again soon


and if your curious as to where am taking said vacation too??

Well...

I'll just leave this little tune here and am certain you'll figure it out.

https://youtu.be/5PELoKUZj8w

Crazy... That's all I really have to say.

Crazy good, crazy bad in a nutshell it was just something else.


Do I wish things were better? Of course, Do I wish somethings didn't happen? Oh Yeah no doubt.

But overall I think it shows that despite how crazy things can get.

It shouldn't be the thing to stop you from doing the right thing and aiming to keep doing better.

I look forward to seeing you all in this new year.

To plan and prepare, there is a LOT going on for me this holiday season. but just to put in in perspective....

Takes a deep breath
----
Gonna be working for an early christmas dinner,

Am attending a special mass my mother is doing

My sister birthday is this month have to get gifts

have to get gifts for family and friends

MY birthday is this month (hate being old!)

Having a large party for Christmas eve

planning a large thing on Christmas day

am doing a crazy thing for a crazy plan that hopefully goes well

---

Guuuuhh even typing this out seems like quite the lofty task for this month

Well... here's hoping things go well.

There can be, bad ones, scary ones and good moments, but regardless of what happens it's remembered.


Yesterday while I was at my work, my old man stopped by to see how I was doing. Things weren't all great since the manager was on vacation but, I tried to keep a good mind about it.

Then my father told me the news that worried and surprised me.

"You mother had been admitted to the hospital She's okay but if you want to see her just letting you know"

Of course knowing my dad he usually doesn't sugar coat things when they're bad, but I could see he didn't want me to lose focus at my work. So I simply continued until I was let go for break.

Lucnhtime rolls around and I go to the room my dad tells me and I find out...

She was in the ICU

Now this started to worry me, questions ran through my head "what happened? Is it that bad? etc"

As the Nurses saw me looking around they noticed my ID tag and pointed me to the right room.

As I went in I saw three doctors all huddled around each other with puzzled and concerned looks talking to each other.

"How could she have lost that much blood so quickly?" I heard one of them say till I was spotted.

They were quiet, and asked if I could be helped, then they noticed my ID tags and put two and two together as they moved aside.

There I saw my mother just laying in the hospital bed, with IV and everything, she had a weak smile as she saw me but tears were rolling down her face.

I... I just started to cry at that point. But my mother try to tell me that I should keep it together.

"I'll be okay, don't worry your father will be here"

I found it really hard to just that especially when she was crying herself. I stayed as long as I could before I went back to work.

Few hours past and as I come back done with work, my old man is there as several nurses and doctors had few papers and were talking to my dad.

Not gonna say much detail about my mother's condition but long story short, the damage was bad surgery had to be done...

As the nurse explained this to me, my old man and my mother, he went by her side and held her hand. She wanted me to get a hold of my siblings, which I quickly called.

"I want you guys to take care of each other, ok? stay safe, and son please keep an eye on your father."

I was holding myself as best I could, my mother was freaking out, my old man who I never seen cry started to show tears. As they came and took her my old man told me to head home and try to take care of things.

But as I left... I lost it, I was freaking out, I didn't want things to end with my mother like this. I felt a bit responsible and I just didn't think I would be able to handle it if things went wrong.

I wasn't sure who to talk to let alone wasn't sure if anyone would listen or care, I was mess.

But good things can happen when bad things surround us. maybe it was by a odd chance or just some weird coincidence there was someone who was there that stood by as I flipped out...

As time passed, I got a call from my dad who sounded VERY tired.

"Surgery went well, she'll recover"

A sigh of relief overcame me, though I was still a bit of a mess, I had stayed up late found it a little harder to rest until sometime.

Now I just can only hope things get better, and recovery goes well.

and Like I sad at the beginning of this journal. Life can have bad, ones, scary ones, and good ones, but it's remembered.

I'm thankful things panned out well and hope that they keeping going well...

Hope your moments whatever happens something good can come out of it too.

Well, it was going to happen sometime but, despite my sporadic uploading and such, I might be on hold for a bit.

Reason being? Finally going to be in processed for a new job staring Monday morning. Am actually looking forward to that.

I am a little sad though means I won't be able to hang out on streams and such but hey, doesn't mean I'm not gonna stop getting nice things done here and there ;)

On the other foot note, there's now the question of Commissions, well I'll still be open for them so no worries, just might take a little longer to do them ^^; (hopefully people are still interested)

So yeah, also this As Halloween comes and rolls over, more holidays celebration shall be going on. and dear god a birthday I don't want it....

So yeah just thought I give a small heads up update on things. Hope you guys keep doing well.

Yup, I'm doing it, I'm gonna try to push myself more out of my comfort zone and take commissions,

and the price? 15$ flat rate fee


http://www.furaffinity.net/view/25098956/

Simple background included.


Rules.

Payments are to be by paypal ONLY!!

no DA points (sorry)

1. All I ask is that you keep it simple, one or two characters.

2. If I don't agree with the idea, then don't be mad if I say no, (won't allow gore, scat, full on nudity, and very lewd scenes) but please chat to me about what you'd like. in the end tis my decision

3. HAVE REFERENCES! Whatever character you decided it's cool and all but references help! I don't know everything. and please don't have it be some long form of text describing the character, that does NOT help.

4. BE PATIENT, I can not stress this enough, since I'm starting out, I know I want to make sure I can do a commission proud, and hopefully it comes out nice and helps me to better my art.

---

Well.... with that said, I'm gonna still play it safe and have 3 spots opened

if you are interested please note me.

These will not be first come first served either, seeing how timezones are a rather key factor as well

1.


2.


3.


So... I hope you guys are interested and I hope to do you guys well. if you could spread the word?

ALSO!

A lot have seem to taken an interest in my coloring, and if you have a black and white pic that you want some color, I'll do it, but You'll have to pay as well!! Just so ya know.


So here's hoping things go well

I've been thinking about this for a while after the poll post. I have thought of a price that would be fair and think I would do commissions Wing it style where the person would give me a simple idea and I do my best to do so in my own way.


But I'm just not sure if I'm at the skill yet to start charging people. ^^;

I think it's a great way to get started however and start pushing myself to meet deadlines and perhaps improve

But I am honestly not sure if many would take interest in my art style... well not yet at least.

I might change my mind though and go forward with doing commissions but I will go at a cautious pace.

Last thing I want is either to take too many orders, have people waiting forever, and just not meeting what they want.

So yeah still kinda on the fence with doing commissions but... I might go for it.

Things, were not that well for me, was stressed out, angry, jealous, and I completely lost sight of what I had been doing. took some time off and now slowly getting my bearings again I am gonna keep going forward. Leaving the way I did wasn't the best idea. but being away for a bit has help myself get my mind together and sorted. (hopefully) I thank you for those who sent out a message my way on my journal or by other means, and I apologize for seeming a bit off coming with the last journal.


I shouldn't let something like this get to me, yet it did, but hopefully I can learn form this and keep going forward.

So I'll keep going.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haR4qKm3duM


now perhaps I'll post some art stuff soon ^^;

I... I really just don't know what I'm doing is right anymore. Bad things keep happening no matter how much I try to put a good spin on it.

and seeing so many others keep struggling, doing what people want rather than what they want to do, they lose interest.

No one cares about a character unless they're tied, and even then can do a whole develop arc on building said character. No one cares, it's just natural instinct sex sells, don't even care about the style the artist does, it's just something that pleases the "fans"

I really wish I could have least broken the mold a bit show that hey you can have some fun kinky things, but you can have really cool badass things as well. Thought it'd be the best of both worlds honestly.

No denying I love bondage, that won't change, but I like seeing more to characters, but I guess people don't see that in me.

maybe I was just asking too much. maybe I just had my head in the clouds.

Maybe it's just time. for me to say goodbye.



so see ya.

Figured I do something like this, rather than keep things bottled up. (as stupid as that sounds)

Negative mind:

You are once again behind, can't seem to find a way to balance anything you're given to yourself, you're lazy, stop acting like you can do something right.


Positive heart:

You have done a lot that's right, you've been keeping busy not on here per se, but you are doing a lot better than most.


Negative mind:

No one cares on what you do, or what you do for them, they only want what's for them and them alone, if you weren't on here nothing would have changed nor mattered.

Positive heart:

Turns out there are people that care, just because nothing else comes out from doing something nice, doesn't mean that people are not appreciative of it.


Negative mind

No matter what you will always be seen as someone who only likes one thing and one thing only NEVER will you be known otherwise.

Positive heart

Let others think of me as what they want. I know what I enjoy and I like more than just one thing, yes it hurts a little that people just see me as someone who just likes one thing (and I'm pretty sure I know what it is) but I'm still gonna have my other interests, and if others don't like it, then so be it I'm enjoying myself.


So Why did I do this? Honestly I just wanted to, not sure if others will read this but hopefully at least for me, I can keep my thoughts right.

Ever had a moment, where you messed up, but you're given a second chance? But even then you mess that up?

That's exactly what I just did... and I feel horrible, will try to make Long story short, I got fired from my job about a month ago, really enjoyed working there it was different but relaxed. However once a new manager came into place, she started doing things that many other considered borderline illegal. I had confronted her as well as some others about this, and in the end, I lost my job because of her power.

I tried to get in contact with HR try to figure out my options, and for once things seemed alright, because after that stunt many believed what transpired was not right on any account. So they decided to process me back into the job once again.

Today was supposed to be my testing, had everything in order (or so I assumed) because as I registered, I realized I didn't have my ID.

I thought it would be possible if I could reschedule but they're very strict with their rules, so they automatically failed me and I can't go back for six months.


I'm upset... I'm frustrated, I have no one else to blame but myself for what I just did. I let down my family and myself, and it hurts.

No matter how much I try it just seems like no matter what I can't bring myself to help others nor myself I can't put things in better light and I just can't get things going.

I don't know what I'm even doing is right anymore.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMuOrKkbJRw

Here's how it's done

Well Family reunion came and went, and overall... it went alright thankfully (for the most parts)

But now, I am going to be gone for this upcoming weekend.

The reason this time?


The biggest (and ever growing) fighting game tournament Evolution (or EVO for short).

And I'm entering once again to see where I stand.

Goggles on, and the music to get me ready for it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cNa3MVjS2I



let's do this....

So been while since I've updated a journal, let alone been posting art and such.

Well the thing is, starting tomorrow, am getting ready for a rather large family reunion.

Now it wouldn't be so bad going to it, but the thing is.

We're hosting it.

So my mother is all up in arms of wanting it to be perfect. Not to say my mother is mean she just puts herself in a state that we have to make sure things are alright.

What also kinda worries me is that despite her having the idea of what has been done (or needs to be) but she is entrusting myself and my two sisters. We have a plan of action as well but, we all worry that it's not going to be up to our mother's expectations (despite this family reunion being mostly from my dad's side and is cool with it)

Not to mention, this is THE VERY FIRST TIME WE'VE HOSTED A FAMILY REUNION.

Truth be told none of us wanted to do the reunion since we all are rather busy with things, but somehow my mother decided that we should do it. So That puts on a bit more pressure as well.

I'll admit my sister's and I we have done some neat things, especially coming all together to do my parents 30th wedding anniversary.

But that was just with close friends of theirs and such. This is a MUCH bigger scale and a whole different avenue in general.

Not sure how it's gonna go, but I want it to be awesome and hopefully things go well.

So if you need something send a note here or on FA cause not really gonna be on for the next several days.

Take care.

Seeing how I got free time now.

https://www.twitch.tv/leochingu
https://www.twitch.tv/leochingu
https://www.twitch.tv/leochingu

I'mma see if I can beat a game on stream

First off, Want to say thank you to those who sent me messages my way and such. You helped remind me that there are still good people out there and doing good always helps =3

But anyhow since I've had a bit of time to cool off and plan, I got a bit of work cut out for me.

I really don't want to explain much of what had happen, but I'll just say this...

Karma is a bitch, and it will deliver.

In the meantime I'm gonna have to try to get some things settled and just hope for the best.

Everything happens for a reason hopefully this leads to a better tomorrow.

Well not sure about THIS tomorrow gonna be all over the place XP

Something bad just has to happen to remind you, that no matter what you do you're gonna get hurt.


I think I need break or something.

Well after a slightly annoying week, I feel a bit better. For those who chatted with me or sent a comment when I was feeling kinda down. Thank you.


One of the comments Particularity  caocaothedeciever had made me wonder if I should keep going. Via Career or as just something I like doing cause it's fun.

Not gonna lie when I say I kinda want both worlds of it. Might sound a bit silly, but I find it fun sketching or getting ideas kinky or not and just have a way to get it out there so to speak ^^;

But if I was to do it as a career, I know it's not always going to be fun and games. It's a LOT of time and effort especially if it's a "simple" book project of cute girls being bound or what not. Granted the way things have been going for me at the time have rather just been hectic. I have to keep trying to remind myself that it's not a race or a competition to better myself. But damn I won't hide it anymore I really do get jealous when I see someone on here do something or have an idea that just not only wows me but also gets a lot of attention.

I shouldn't be like that, I just want to draw and start learning to animate (yes I want to do more than just drawing) and even get into some more stories to develop the characters I have (and some I've had ideas of) more. If it gets attention, then awesome, if not then hey I'm happy I was able to do it.

So hopefully I'll find the time to get back on track with things. hold my head up high and adjust these goggles, cause I'm gonna try and take a step forward.

I keep telling myself "I'll get better, there's always room for improvement"

I guess I'm kidding myself, I just don't see why I'm trying anymore to draw art.

When I clearly can't.

Been on here for nearly what 3 years? and have little to no improvement within that time.

Been focused on work, bills, etc, and when I thought I had a chance I'd draw. I can't manage my time to dedicate myself to what I should've in the first place.

I wasn't expecting a lot of faves, or a lot of views.

but it would've helped... At least in a sense it did make me want to just keep getting better regardless.

Hell I still remember I tried to do commissions and even then I struggled and looking back, those works of "art" were (and STILL are) atrocious.

I can't write either it seems, when you get a guy that's several years younger on you, calling out on terrible punctuation and pacing. well whoop de fucking do I'm sorry I'm not a god damn prestige, yeah the writing is shit could easily have said it in a better tone. Without sounding like a pompous asshole who knows everything.

Then it drives my jealousy through the roof seeing new faces starting out. Blasting what I considered "art" at the time away due to their actual skill (even thought they say "oh I just doodled, Oh this pose is just something I messed with, etc" , and people start asking for commissions or requests from them and more word gets out, From artist who actually inspired me and thought would be neat to get a comment from them. But I have come to terms that my art just doesn't have that impact.

I've literally had ONE person who attempted to get my name out there, and anther has tried. but even then I lacked the skill to show them my gratitude. I feel terrible.

Does this mean I'm leaving the site?

Maybe, I really don't know, I like getting commissions and that's always nice to see my idea come out with another artist. and chatting with you guys.

But don't expect my own artwork from me, because I just simply can't do it. more like I can but, I can't really "WOW" anyone with my own art.

I'm not some artist I'm just a dreamer.

Who can color OTHER people's art decently at best.

Maybe those that tell me I should stop or those damn doubts are true... I don't want them to be. But now I just don't even know.

What have I really done to make an impact?


Nothing....

Thoguht I update this journal from the doom and gloom I had a while back.

So yeah ask me anything I guess question wise.

But not only that.

Feel free to ask my girls!

Reaka, Xenia, Neila, Chize and such if you find this kitty boring XP

A lot has been going on with me, good bad, and everything in-between.

Hard to believe that I somehow manage to be on here for nearly three years now. (I feel like I miscounted but who's really keeping track anyhow)

Yet, I still haven't really done much, or at least it feels like I haven't, because maybe I have and just don't see it.

It's just funny, I wasn't sure about coming out as a lurker and try my hardest to learn art, kinky or not. Not only was it rather rewarding to do so, but I then came across others who shared my interests and just been great to chat to.

However as time has been going on with me, I feel like I perhaps just didn't jump on sooner than I should've and focused on my art, because I feel I'm still very lackluster in that department, so I looked for work. Actually attempted to go into the military, but that was cut short due to medical problems (nothing really serious don't fret) but they gave me an option to go into Homeland Security.

and despite some crazy hours, It's been nice (and pays to keep rent and food) but it's not what I really want.

Not only that, my job seems to become a bit more of hassle when I get told things like.

"Stop acting like you have something MORE important than your job"

"Your 'friends' are just stupid shadows who won't do jack shit, cause they got nothing"

Which has lead to some serious arguments and such but also it disheartened me more, that I find out that despite following the rules with work, the supervisor (and some higher ups) have twisted the very own rules so that way they DON'T get into trouble, or get reprimanded.

It sickens me, here I thought I was doing something right for once but not only that, it's just and always has been "look out for number 1"

I hate that, I hate it so much, because from what my family has taught me and what I know is, doing what is RIGHT is the best thing one can do.

I feel like (or thought) I would least do that.

Helped others in RL and here, try to give a gift or do something unexpected that makes other go like "wow, this is great!"

Granted I go and get a commission to do that sometimes because I just feel so lackluster in my own skill.

But now I just feel upset, as I still see other struggling and when I try to say something or do something nice....

They view it as something bad, and I make it worse.

I don't have all the answers, I don't even know if the things I do because I wanted to is the "right" thing at times.

But maybe it's a start.

Do I want to keep going? Yes, I want people to smile, I want people to know that "hey there are better things"

But sometimes I feel like I can't back my own clams when I'm lackluster with my own ideas and tasks....

I just...

I just want you guys to hold your head up high and smile.

Do that...

Do that for everyone.

So... after getting this done, from  ryuseihikari

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/23223921/

And getting it colored, I started to think of some ideas but also became curious

Would you be interesting if I did like a "win a date" or some sort of raffle of having potentially your character with this kitty?

Am curious to see if others would be interested :p

That's pretty much the gist of it.

I honestly didn't expect some notes or messages to come my way.

But they did and they made me feel much more at ease.

Thank you guys,

now then have some rick and morty

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0IwfHdO36Y

That sums up my mood.

I keep trying to put my best foot forward, but someone just seems to keep crushing it.

What did I do wrong? What haven't I did?

I thought just being nice and just helping out others would brigten their day.

Apparently that's bullshit.

Which honestly I wish it wasn't.

So I guess I'm just a scapegoat in the end. Some brown noser wanting attention (which this journal counts I guess since I'm venting it on here)

Not to mention being threatened about losing my job the day before helped my mood any better. (DESPITE THE FUCKING FACT THAT MY "JOB" DOESN'T MEAN WE FUCKING REMODEL YOUR GOD DAMN OFFICE)

I wish I did better, I wish I could do more...

But what's the point when no one cares?

HEY if actually read this... (I hope you do)

but a new artist that's on here is struggling a bit and need some help

so if oyu like bondage, chibi, all of the above.


go and see  artistwotutu

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/22874448/

GO DO IT!