DX !

for the time being I have my sons... and I may finally get them out right.

in that over the last few weeks it seems that my ex-wife has been whipping them with an actual lunge whip, and even whipped my older boy with it the day that I was to get them for this last weekend. DX

sadly, I'll have to stick to only playing with coconut sized nuts, and leave the actual coconuts alone from now on.

damn, I hate food allergies.

paypal account email is: razsorwing[at]yahoo.com
or link: paypal.me/Fisher2580

has many of you know, I am trying to get a place while I am still stuck in FL, to be able to get my sons, and thus to be able to get them what they need to grow.

please pass this around, even if you're not able to help with any funds.

the hotel's wifi network hasn't been working well as of late, I am glad to simply be able to still check my mail and use text massage services.

as I said the net sucks just now, I am having to watch my bandwidth faux between 36 to 48 Mbps... I.e. barely stay connected.

trying to get housing for my sons and I, as well as restarting to recover their dependency accounts.

please, if you know anyone that can help in any way please pass this along.

sadly more than 8K is going to be needed to sort this out, though even that much would be a huge help!

https://www.gofundme.com/2havvznw

what I am looking for is anyone that might know someone that might have links or contacts for finding some way to get in touch with someone that is looking to rent or sell either a camper or room around starke fl for cheap, to a trustworthy preson.

I have the chance to actually see my sons yet again.
and the real chance to get the back for good, if I can only work really quickly on getting a place to have them either here in Starke FL. or really close to it.

as today the judge overturned almost everything that my ex-wife had been trying to push against me, and he's ordered that time sharing is to restart... while the conditions that she has been keeping them in this whole time are reviewed.
the judge also rejected both of sides motions to have the childern sololly.

now, if only I knew how the hell that I was going to do these things.

Sorry, I am still happilly overwellemed that she can't try to lock me up anymore at all now! nor block me from seeing them!

I mean we both didn't win today, though I win more and she lost more over all... today.

I love all of the plants, and animals of this world, almost as much as I love you.
and yet it would seem that I have to be careful as to which that I share with you.
for the last thing that I wish to do is to hurt you, with even an old pain, nor to make a new.

as you and I have both learned before we'd even met.
that roses have thorns, irises and rhododendron are poisonous, poppies are addictive, even orchids are often toxic in their own ways.

each plant, each animal has its uses, as well as its beauty, though also its risk.
true they can be used for good or ill, for healing or harming, to better life or to bring death.
people too.

we dance and sing of love and light, and even of loss and the darkness of the night.
we talk of hopes and of fears, dreams and what others could view as nightmares too.

though what don't we talk of, what little things still lay in what is taboo?
I want so badly to reconnect to the world, and all that is within it.
though does its distraction from you, trouble you, as much as that part of it troubles me?

to try to define my feelings for you.
how can anyone truly define what is still becoming, still growing, still being made?
does one know what the potter will cut from the wheel, while he is adding the clay to it?
or what the painter will let to dry, when he is still just putting the first few brush strokes to the canvas?

I am too quick to try to plan the middle and to even guess at the end, then to let myself truly enjoy the start of many things, my love, I can and do admit that.
maybe it is for the best that things that are out of either of our control, have kept us having to move so slowly into these ideas of a life together, even though it makes us both ache to finally touch each other, to finally see how we really might fit together. while we hope and pray that we will.
as it has made me stop to think how much I have rushed through so many times before, how much extra I have pushed or pulled into those times before, and broke them from the doing so.

I want everything to be the best with you, for you, for you are worthy of it, though I have to remember that I am but a man, and I can't do everything at once, nor can I make you enjoy it.
time alone lets things happen in the time that it lets them happen, I want to share those times with you so badly, those places, those tastes, those experiences, those events, our friends both old and new.

what is the right way, the right amount, for you to enjoy many of these shared experiences with me?
are there any that I might view as good that you do not?

I can say unto you that I will cry.
I will cry when we make love. I will cry when we give into our darkest needs.
and I will cry when we are apart. I will cry when we disagree. and at times we will disagree.

though please never take any disagreement to heart, only take to heart that I cry at these times because I love you.
and I admit that I need you almost as much as I already have grown to love you.
how much more will I grow to love you, once time has allowed us to have grown old together? I'd don't yet know, though I know that such is how my love for you keeps on growing.

I await for the days when I awake next to you while you still sleep, or I am awakened by you ready for the start of the day.
our play gentle, or rough, or having to wait for after the rush of the day to have come and gone away.

so, again I wish to ask, what if I came to you be it with something sweet or something savory, with handfuls of wild flowers or even a single rose, would your reaction be that of passion or rage, for only what I have.
and have need of and the want to share it with you?

truth, a person can be a physical top, and still bottom from time to time or for some people, and still be a top.
truth, a person can be a physical bottom, and still top from time to time or for some people, and still be a bottom.
truth, a person can be a switch and top or bottom or even not top nor bottom, be that orally or anally, and still be a switch!

Truth, it isn't the act of topping or bottoming that makes one either any one of these three! it is what they'd rather do more of, that is what makes them a physical; top, switch, or bottom!

truth, someone can also be a dominant or alpha that likes to bottom, i.e. be a physical bottom and still be a dominant or an alpha, the fact that they like to bottom, doesn't change the fact that they are a dominant or an alpha!
truth, someone can also be a mental submissive that likes to top, i.e. be a physical top and still be a submissive, the fact that they like to top, doesn't change the fact that they are submissive mentally!
truth, a switch can be either a dominant, a submissive, or not really either one, it's only the fact that they either like to or don't like to top and/or bottom equally that makes them a switch.

Truth, the dominance or submissiveness of the mind doesn't have to match the want to top or bottom physically!

I get so sick of seeing and/or hearing that just because someone bottomed once that they're a bottom! as that is The Bull Shit of bottom shaming, and top fearing that is a poison forced onto healthy fluid sexual people by an image-crazy commercialized porn industry!

though actually, it isn't missing, it's gone, sold, I remember the exact time and the feel of the day that I sold it, as it was still of enough value to be sold, not thrown away. like you'd done with me.

And then you'd had the gall to think that when I'd shown back up, that it was to be put back on so easily as the costume jewelry that some people trade on and off as easily as other's switch out their underwear or their lovers! and you honestly claim to have known me at all?
if you'd honestly think that I'd come back for you after that, then you'd not known me at all!

though there are many things that you'd not truly known.
even though I had admitted that I needed, yes needed, a man too. I did love you. I did want you to always to have been in my life. always my wife! and I; always your friend. your caretaker. your mental equal. one of the parts that helped you feel whole!

though you now claim, that I never loved you. never cared for you. never wanted you. only wanted our kids from you.
they'll always be our kids! and I'll want them to always be our kids! even when they are grown!
I only want the care of our kids now, so that they can grow! they can know! know; what care is! what safe is! what clean is! how did we get this far off course? how did we forget this much? how can we hate each other this much?

could I bare another ring someday, with someone else? I truly hope and pray that I can, if not for me! than for our kids and that someone!

American Sign and American English have totally different sign/word usage rules, and thus it should be expected that they'd have totally different sentence structure and grammar. And no, before it can be thought, I am not judging anyone for having American Sign as a first language. I am simply saying that I can pinpoint that as a major cause for such mis-interactions between those with American Sign as a first language and those with American English as a language. This is something that the Education systems should be trying to correct, no one person should be held accountable for this situation. Though while this situation exists as what it is, it is up to all of us as thinking and feeling people to try our best to even keep on learning how to communicate as calmly and as clearly to each other as we can.

Taken from;  KingGigabyte

Feel free to copy and share as well. You can tag folks if you want.
Try to add another question if you can think of one.

1. I own: my body and my clothes, little else, sorry no pets or time for them.
2. my sight: I actually see almost perfectly, though I still wear glasses, mainly in that I just love my glasses.
3. I recently: gave myself a belly button piercing, I now have 9 piercings in all, that I wear 6 pieces of jewelry in.
4. I use: Grammarly and ReadPlease to check my awful grammar and spelling errors.
5. Sometimes: I forget to check my spelling and grammar when I type into chats, though I always check and over check my grammar and spelling at the Sometimes that I try to write stories.
6. I'm a/an: furry, body dysmorphic, social outlayer... so it means a lot to me when people accept me as I am when they meet me.
7. I consider myself: a Furry and a good friendly person... even though my odd sense of humor and social oddness troubles most people.
8. I'm currently working: trying to get my life sorted out of my ex-wife's mess of a life... and keep writing on my stories, as that is about the only art that I can actually do.
9. I work: no, sadly. though I want to get back to working and living once again.
10. I like to: listen to music, and talk to people via my web browser.

11. My favorite bands are: way too many to tell here, as I am an Eclectic, about the only thing that I dislike much of is Rap and/or country that has highly offensive lyrics.
12. My favorite Aesthetic: lately, has been modern Japanese translations and songs on youtube.
13. I weigh: about 165 lbs, I am finally ok with my weight... I have weighed over 320 lbs before, and then under 133, and both times those extremes almost killed me.
14. I run for: I don't run as much or often as I should... I just count myself blessed that I can run when I want or need to, once again!
15. I think a healthy debate is: a great thing, I like to hear other peoples opinions, even if I may or may not easily understand or agree with them.
16. If you prove me wrong: I will usually take it in stride, and admit how I was wrong.
17. I wish that: I could fly like a bat, or even just get my life in order.
18. I have or haven't ever done drugs or drank before: I have done both before.
19. If you ask me my favorite animal: Lions rule! Bats spy! and everything else is fun to look at!
20. My favorite Microorganism is: toxoplasmosis.

21. I hear: rather well, though I have not tried to protect my hearing ever well, as I always hated being able to the buzz of electronics.
22. I speak: quietly and only a little when I first met someone new, though if I get to know you, then good luck getting me to shut up.
23. a fan of dogs? I like other people's dogs.
24. Vaporwave: it is an ok music, I am sure that I have heard it.
25. I suffer from: body dysmorphic, social anxiety, and depression.
26. My goal in life is: to have one, once again before I die.
27. hotdogs: if they are either, all beef, all chicken, all lamb, or all turkey, then sure I'd love to have a few of them.
28. pork: in my life, it is only an action word, not a food, as I actually allergic to it.
29. I'd like to raise and eat my own: plants, doves, and fish, if I ever have both the time and space to do so.
30. My favorite cookie: contains both chocolate chips and macadamia nuts.

31. Dinosaurs are: gone sadly, though the "furry ones" are sexy looking!
32. Sleep: I need to get a more normal and healthy sleep schedule.
33. Favorite video or online game: Earth Eternal, was...
34. Starwars, transformers, etc. : I know a fair amount about them, though I am not really into them.
35. timid or junky: timid at first, and then rather junky as I get to know how junky I can be around you.
36. Gore and/or vore: I can handle some gore for a story's level of depth, but vore, I'd rather not even see or read of it.
37. Sexual: I saw myself as bi for years, and then just admitted to being totally gay almost 10 years ago.
38. Anime: I like most of it. I just finished watching "Kiseijuu: Sei no Kakuritsu" or "Parasyte - Maximum."
39. My top most favorite horror movie is: nope, I'd rather watch a cartoon.
40. Homestuck comic: I have not read it.

41. Fanfics: I'd rather read something original, unless it is really well done.
42. Comics that I am reading: accursed dragon, battle-beasts, buying time, caves and critters, star-trek beta-fleet, the golden week, two kinds, and Zuzel and the fox.
43. I love: too much and too easily.
44. trust: I have issues.
45. paranoia: I try not to let it get to me.
46. Ideal date: having Sashimi with my bf.
47. actively looking for: ways to fill my time, so that I don't get board.
48. odd/funny sounds/noises that I may make: Roar-ow, meow, squeee!
49. Animals, Insects, Arachnids: yes, maybe, I'd rather not.
50. Did you realize you just read 50 facts about me? thanks!

51. Ambidextrous: yes, though with a left or right tendancy depending on the actual activity I'm doing.
52. I'm an Introvert or Extrovert: I try to be an Extrovert.
53. The dark: I don't fear the dark, nor what I know that is in it. I only fear the darkness within the hearts of myself and others.

what makes something good?
what makes it something bad?
is it only if something is done as something that is meant to be something helpful to another being, that makes it good?
is it only if something is done as something that is meant to be something harmful to another being or to one's self, that makes it bad?

we are driven to do many things.

though what makes them good or bad?
is simply questioning the laws of man and God always bad and disobedience?
if a choice made to do something to avoid further suffering or discourse, could it in some way still be bad?
at what point does trying to avoid discourse become a bad thing if it does at all?

are thoughts as bad as actions?

I'll do this for both; Leo and Shadow...

Leo:

is possessed by an angel. "tries to be one, though fails."
X, is possessed by a demon. "well, part of one at least."
is a werewolf, vampire, and/or faerie.
X, is physically stronger than should be for bodily size.
has a rare hair and/or fur color.
This happens to be blood red.
X, eyes are an unusual color.
This happens to be red.
eyes change color.
X, has wings (and not supposed to for their given species, i.e. is not a bird or dragon).

Thus far, out of ten: 4.

can grow extra body parts and/or shapeshift.
is immortal (won't die from old age).
(if a female) and has a large bra size.
(if a male) is very muscular.
is very attractive to the opposite gender.
X, has telekinetic/pyrokinetic/etc (to any extent).
has a sixth sense/can mind-read/etc.
has an object of some sort that gives them powers.
has a special ability/power, but they don't know about it, or don't know how to use it.
X, was bestowed/cursed with their powers.

Thus far, out of twenty: 6.

X, is a healer.
from a very rich/royal family.
doesn't know that they are from a very rich/royal background.
has lost one/both of their parents.
ran away from home.
parents are/were cruel, uncaring, abusive etc.
witnessed one/both of their parent's death.
X, is part angel/demon/faerie/some other mythical creature.
never knew their parents.
was abused/spoiled as a child.

Thus far, out of thirty: 8.

is very attractive to the same gender.
has lots of friends/no friends.
X, is emo or cutesy.
looks much younger/older than they really are.
X, is currently in a relationship.
has lots of morals and state them a fair bit.
X, has a mental disorder.
X, has an emotional disorder.
X, struggles to stay sane.
is a psycho.

Thus far, out of forty: 13.

has multiple personalities.
X, is highly intelligent.
X, has hallucinations.
can summon spirits/demons/angels etc.
X, has an unusual/unrealistic pet.
X, has a guardian spirit.
X, has a 'special type' of soul, or more than just one whole one.
X, said, soul is not the same as them, or came from somewhere else.
X, can talk to spirits/ghosts.
Some part of their body glows.

Thus far, out of fifty: 20.

has a rare or unusual name.
were born on an important date, such as New Year's Eve, Midsummers Night.
has a twin/sibling that they were separated from at birth.
X, is connected with a certain element.
is connected with a certain animal.
always dresses like a certain 'label' (perpy, goth, nerd, jock, etc).
looks quite a bit like a character from a popular anime/manga.
X, is of a species that is discriminated against/misunderstood.
X, has a certain power that is misunderstood/feared.
lives/lived on the streets.

Thus far, out of sixty: 23.

is hiding from someone or something.
has a rare blood type. "nope, it's A+"
cries blood sometimes.
a certain noises/smells/situations activate their power or gives them a breakdown.
is from a different country to where they live.
is very mysterious or dark.
is very lively or happy.
X, mood changes a lot or very quickly.
X, can be very patient.
X, is from a long line of (insert profession/power here). "Dirty farmers, and proud!"

Thus far, out of seventy: 26.

X, has pieces of jewelry or clothing that they always wear.
has amnesia.
has some sort of permanent medical condition.
X, has a curse upon them.
is involved in some sort of prophecy.
is 'the chosen one'.
X, has insomnia.
X, has fallen asleep in the middle of an event or class.
X, keeps a comb, brush, or other make-up on their person.
wears or uses said items a lot to keep up their looks.

Overall points from eighty: 31.

Take points off your OCs overall score if they fit any of the following statements:

X, has before or still smokes.
X, has or still drinks any alcohol.
is an alcoholic.
X, has been or is overweight.
X, has taken any drug, not for a medical condition.
is addicted to drugs.
X, can have a short temper.
enjoys bullying others.
doesn't care much about others.
is emotionless at times or in some forms.

Point reductions: 5.
Final Score: 26. "yep, I am a Mary-Sue!"

5 or less -Anti-Sue.
Your character may be a bit on the boring side.
Of course, this does depend on the world that they are in, but generally, if they are scoring that low.
it wouldn't hurt to "spice them up" a bit.
6-15 -Balanced Character.
If your OC scored around here, then they are probably quite a well-balanced and interesting character.
16-25 -Borderline Mary-Sue.
Your character may be a bit over the top.
Of course, this does depend on the world that they are in, but generally, if they are scoring this high.
it wouldn't hurt to "tone them down" a bit.
26-35 -Mary-Sue.
We have a problem. You need to tone your character down some really. They are most likely a bit annoying to others.
36 or Over -Mega-Sue
Ok, just stop, it's time to remake your character! Before everybody hates you!

- - -

Shadow:

is possessed by an angel.
is possessed by a demon. "is the demon or at least part of one."
is a werewolf, vampire, and/or faerie.
is physically stronger than should be for bodily size.
has a rare hair and/or fur color.
This happens to be blood red.
X, eyes are an unusual color.
This happens to be red.
X, eyes change color.
X, has wings (and not supposed to for their given species, i.e. is not a bird or dragon).

Thus far, out of ten: 3.

X, can grow extra body parts and/or shapeshift.
X, is immortal (won't die from old age).
(if a female) and has a large bra size.
(if a male) is very muscular.
is very attractive to the opposite gender.
has telekinetic/pyrokinetic/etc (to any extent). "no, my damned host got them!
has a sixth sense/can mind-read/etc. "only my host's."
has an object of some sort that gives them powers.
has a special ability/power, but they don't know about it, or don't know how to use it.
was bestowed/cursed with their powers.

Thus far, out of twenty: 5.

is a healer.
from a very rich/royal family.
doesn't know that they are from a very rich/royal background.
has lost one/both of their parents.
ran away from home.
parents are/were cruel, uncaring, abusive etc.
witnessed one/both of their parent's death.
X, is part angel/demon/faerie/some other mythical creature.
never knew their parents.
was abused/spoiled as a child.

Thus far, out of thirty: 6.

is very attractive to the same gender.
has lots of friends/no friends.
is emo or cutesy.
X, looks much younger/older than they really are.
is currently in a relationship.
has lots of morals and state them a fair bit.
has a mental disorder. "I am his mental disorder?"
has an emotional disorder.
struggles to stay sane. "hell no! sanity is boring."
X, is a psycho.

Thus far, out of forty: 8.

has multiple personalities. "Again, I am the other personality!"
X, is highly intelligent.
has hallucinations. "Hey, I am not a hallucination!"
can summon spirits/demons/angels etc.
has an unusual/unrealistic pet.
has a guardian spirit. "I have to keep him safe, I need a host after all."
X, has a 'special type' of soul, or more than just one whole one.
said, soul is not the same as them, or came from somewhere else.
X, can talk to spirits/ghosts.
X, Some part of their body glows.

Thus far, out of fifty: 12.

has a rare or unusual name.
were born on an important date, such as New Year's Eve, Midsummers Night.
has a twin/sibling that they were separated from at birth.
is connected with a certain element. "nope, again he got it!
X, is connected with a certain animal.
X, always dresses like a certain 'label' (perpy, goth, nerd, jock, etc). does nude, count?
looks quite a bit like a character from a popular anime/manga.
X, is of a species that is discriminated against/misunderstood.
X, has a certain power that is misunderstood/feared.
lives/lived on the streets.

Thus far, out of sixty: 16.

is hiding from someone or something.
X, has a rare blood type. "it's not even really blood."
X, cries blood sometimes. "it's the light, I told you, I don't cry!
a certain noises/smells/situations activate their power or gives them a breakdown.
X, is from a different country to where they live.
X, is very mysterious or dark.
X, is very lively or happy.
mood changes a lot or very quickly.
can be very patient.
is from a long line of (insert profession/power here).

Thus far, out of seventy: 21.

has pieces of jewelry or clothing that they always wear.
has amnesia.
has some sort of permanent medical condition.
has a curse upon them. "is the curse, would be more like it!"
is involved in some sort of prophecy.
is 'the chosen one'.
has insomnia. "I don't need to sleep, though a rest is nice."
has fallen asleep in the middle of an event or class.
keeps a comb, brush, or other make-up on their person.
wears or uses said items a lot to keep up their looks. "I always look this good!"

Overall points from eighty: 21.
Take points off your OCs overall score if they fit any of the following statements:

X, has before or still smokes.
X, has or still drinks any alcohol.
is an alcoholic.
has been or is overweight.
X, has taken any drug, not for a medical condition.
is addicted to drugs.
X, can have a short temper.
X, enjoys bullying others.
x, doesn't care much about others.
is emotionless at times or in some forms.

Point reductions: 6.
Final Score: 15. "Balanced... really, I'd hardly think of myself as being balanced!"

5 or less -Anti-Sue.
Your character may be a bit on the boring side.
Of course, this does depend on the world that they are in, but generally, if they are scoring that low.
it wouldn't hurt to "spice them up" a bit.
6-15 -Balanced Character.
If your OC scored around here, then they are probably quite a well-balanced and interesting character.
16-25 -Borderline Mary-Sue.
Your character may be a bit over the top.
Of course, this does depend on the world that they are in, but generally, if they are scoring this high.
it wouldn't hurt to "tone them down" a bit.
26-35 -Mary-Sue.
We have a problem. You need to tone your character down some really. They are most likely a bit annoying to others.
36 or Over -Mega-Sue
Ok, just stop, it's time to remake your character! Before everybody hates you!

Oh, you're not back on this again, are you? why not simply revert to being me? if you don't want to be what you've become.
Oh right, like I want to go backward? or back to always acting like a slutty selfish piece of shit!
if the cap fits, it's better to just wear it, than to fight against it. ... or me.

I will always fight against it, that's not me anymore! really it's not? No, it's not. Says who? Me, I do, by my choice, it's not! Just as is fighting to control you, since you're what got me that way before!
and being that way before, wasn't fun? didn't we get to feast at the tables of perversions back then? and we also got to starve there too, or have you really chosen so easily to have forgotten that too?

I forgot nothing, I remember and make you remember every single feast that we had! and make me remember every single one that I touched, that I loved, that I Lost! you simply choose not to feel that part of it, don't you, you never did! you only loved the acts and the bodies! never the minds or people that I hurt and used! how I wish that you'd just stayed there and been forgotten, or died!

Oh, right! blame me, go ahead, as if I am not you! I am just as much you, as you are you now! I am - No, you are not! as I don't let you be me! I name you, and control you! Sure you do. I don't need your permission to have a vile thought, a lustful look, a long full craving, through your eyes and within your mind! you might as well try to cut out part of your own brain or your own heart!"... even now! your Lion talks about BDSM, and who of us is he talking to about that! but, me? you know it! admit it, I am what keeps him interested in you!

He loves me! he only tolerates you! Keep telling yourself that, though remember he'll ask for me to Dom him through you! he'll want to use me through you, when he'll long to inflict pain and over stimulation on someone! and that someone will be me! never forget that!

I wish that I could forget you! I hate you! Then you hate yourself! is that why you pierce yourself? *pokes Leo's fresh belly button piercing.* Don't! you like the pain, the pleasure, the perversion of it all, just as much as I do! where did you think that I got that from? if not from you! every feeling of yours is my pleasure! you'll never be rid of me!

Be that as it may! but I don't have to indulge you, for myself, I can leave you only to be a part of me that is for him to play with, if and when he wants to do so and nothing more! I don't need you, I don't want you! be gone! *lobs an icy bolt at the shadow without any warning.*

*only to have it smash harmlessly into the nearest wall, as the shadow had been quick to have faded away, leaving only his laugh behind echoing in the lion's mind.*

Damn you, Shadow, damn me for letting you stay!

The next full hearing date will be April the 24th.

it is too helpful when the opposition doesn't even bother to show up.

I am sorry to have begged for attention, as that isn't what anyone wants in a friend or even an acquaintance.

I could go on trying to justify how and why I felt alone, though I won't as that would only be more thought and energy wasted on the same thing, so instead, I hope to grow back into being worthy and mentally sound enough to actually be a good friend or an acquaintance once again to those that will have me as either.

and to everyone that already counts me as either, even when I am not that sound of my emotions, again I thank you so much for helping me simply to keep on going through all of these things that I am dealing with in my life just now.

you each are worth far more than your weight in gold, for how much it helps just to know that you wish me well when you think of me.

... online, just a very few, like 5 or maybe 9, if they'd count me as a friend too...
I have even less offline 1 maybe 2, unless I count family too, and then it is like 9 if that.

I fake having friends at the churches that I go to around here, though I can't call or meet up with any of them outside of church hours without getting the cold shoulder.

I am not saying this to beg or sound whiny about it, I am only admitting that I did a very poor job keeping the friends that I once had, and a very good job alienating others over the last number of years. (or maybe I am begging a bit, as in jail I couldn't get away from the other people in there and talking was one of the few things that we had to pass the time... and now I am missing that, oddly for as bad as it was being in there.)

I'd like to say that my former wife did a great job in isolating us though that just isn't totally true, as I let that happen, even when I finally noted it was happening...

my point is that I am truly feeling this isolation now, so if I have been a friend of yours or even just an online acquaintance please give me a hail in the comments or a note, or a shout, or an email, or anything really.

it is very unnerving being alone in a room, with so many people on the other side of a window simply passing by without saying much if anything to me, all be it that said window is an electronic one.

I dislike being rude, though I am truly tempted to beat on the screen, as of late to see if a few more could see me or hear me than the one or two that talk to me as is, or those that are in a stream and answer me in that it is polite to do so.

to those of you that do talk to me a bit as is, I am in no way saying that I don't appreciate each one of you that you do, as really I do, oh God I do.

or maybe I have forgotten how to make friends or grow closer to the ones that I have... I don't know anymore, am I unfriendable? unlikable? intolerable? do I say too many things that trouble people, and put them off to getting to know me any deeper, than thinking that I am just a creep online?

even if I am creepy, and/or just odd, I am also so lonely most days and I don't know how to fix any of that.

I can do and have admitted that I am responsible for my part of how messed up my life is now, and my sons' lives are now too, though I can't claim much responsibility for how messed up my ex-wife's life is.

she is a grown woman, and we have been divorced now for 6 years since dec of 2011, if she has no wish to truly move forward then I can't help her, nor can I make her. it is her own life.
she is free to mess it up or sort it out as she choices too.
though I refuse to simply leave my sons, to be dragged through her mess with her. or for them to suffer at her whims, as to if they'll get enough; food, medical, and/or mental health care while in her care!

I am responsible to my; sons, family, and friends, to you all I am responsible to; do the best that I can do from here on out!

I am feeling better, and wish that I had more people to talk to about these thoughts.

I say that when an adult says that they don't know what they want. they are lying to themself and to others, they only know that they can't have it, for one reason or another.

I want to hurt myself, I want to break things, just to see a change... and yet I know that such thoughts are useless and not sane.

Want me to punch you in the head, hit ya where you stabbed yourself the other day? or maybe in the ass, I could aim for the back of your belly button? try to get up to my shoulder a few times, that might help! if only that would help, but no, not even sex, nor pain, nor drink, right now seems to help ease this feeling of just wanting a release from it all.

where was I going with this?

on the 22nd I have another court date coming up, and I am actually dreading this one.
I just want this bs to finally end, to simply be done... though I know that I have to go through it, I can't escape it.
it's not for me that I have to go through this mess, if it was just me, I'd simply walk away from it all. hell I wouldn't care at all what was said or done against me by my ex-wife. but it is for my sons, and I know that they can't hope to sort any of this bs out on their own, so I have to go through it.

smoking surely isn't helping that much as it once was, it has become a temptation to put the butts out on my arms... I don't really want to try it, but I still have that thought more often than I want to admit.
I want a good distraction, I want ... I want, I hate that I want, I hate me for having been half of the cause of this mess.
I don't want to hurt anyone else, I don't want to be a burden on anyone else, I have hurt enough people, I am enough of a burden on my family.
I hate being trapped here, I hate my fucking ex for picking to have us all trapped here, fucking selfish bitch!
I still await the day that she has to sit in a courtroom and finally hear just how she has: failed our sons, failed as a mother, failed as a fucking human being!

and this hearing on the 22nd won't even be that day! no it's just one more hearing about shit that she keeps throwing in between then, before we can even get into family court for that!

I am going to get some snack foods that I have been craving. forgive me all for my rants, forgive me Reyasa, for dumping this junk here and not being able to even say it over text or voice, though I just need it out of my head.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iE_54CU7Fxk ~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ijUn5hi8kc ~
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AibtyCAhyQE

Taken from

the: https://psychology-tools.com/empathy-quotient/

ok, first I am just going to take the test straight out, without over thought, just simple emotional reactions, and see what I get, hopefully, this will be as close to the human that is me as I can get.
Then I am going to retake the test for Leo and Shadow, as they'd be most inclined to answer and with much over thought in Leo's case, and much "what is in it for me-ness" in Shadow's case.

so here goes:

the human, test 1, no music playing, no distractions: "score was 29 out of a possible 80.
Scores of 30 or less indicate a lack of empathy common in people with Autism or Asperger’s Syndrome."
wow, that was even lower than I was guessing it might be, I was thinking that it might be mid or even upper mid like the high 30's, oh well.

Leo, test 2, upbeat modern religious music playing: "score was 68 out of a possible 80." wow, yeah, yeah, ok. Mr. goody two shoes. now it's my turn.

Shadow, test Best test! Music: Just Gold - Five nights at Freddy's. Now, lets get this shit done already:
yep, Shadow, you're a real piece of work, or maybe even a real piece of something else: "score was 7 out of a possible 80." Are you kidding that's great! I bet only a homicidal maniac could get lower than that!

and some people might wonder why I try to be like I think Leo should be, in interacting with people. of course they do, I sure as hell do, I am more fun and more interesting! yes, you sure are interesting, though interesting and fun isn't often the best way to get along with others.
What is that supposed to mean? at least I say what I mean and what I think, and don't temporize or sanitize it to try to make it more acceptable!
Remember, that whole; honesty is the best policy, bs?
You want honesty Shadow? ok, you're both just constructs in my own head. what do you have to say to that?
Want bad dreams and awkward boners? keep pushing me, Mr. Ego.

today I bought a couple large needles for a few bucks and some chocolate, with the needles I was planning to give myself my much wanted belly-button piercing and eyebrow piercings... and the chocolate was naturally to celebrate afterward.

Well, as the title says that didn't work yet again, though I did get the expected pain and more, as I seven times tried to get the partial hoops in either location... at least it was attempted constructive pain, instead of self-destructive pain... oh well, I may actually have to go to an actual piercing shop for these, one day.

either that or find some good stainless-steel or coated safety pins and do them that way, as like I said I could get the needle through in each location, I just couldn't get the partial hoops in either location after that. so maybe with the safety pins. I could get them in and then let them heal in for a week to three before I tried to put the partial hoops in, that might work, though until then I have a way to torment myself, whenever I feel that I really need to have something that I can try to do for myself.

feb 25 2017, update, I got the inverted belly in today, it's not as long as I'd hoped for though it is deep. I guess that I'll have to wear both short and small pieces in it once it is healed.
oh well, I am still so happy just to finally have it, and now awaiting it to heal. though it won't be until after family court is over and done with before I'll be able to try any facial ones. so, for now, this is it.

feb 27, 2017. I actually got a small and most likely temp piece of real body safe jewelry in my belly button piercing today, should help it heal a bit faster this way... now debating getting the right cap for his size for the look that I want, or more likely I'll eventually get in the full sized piece that I already have that has the caps that I want already.

feb 28, and most likely the last update for a while, I got the full sized decorative piece in place today, and now only need to await the hole's healing to be over. though all and all, it looks good, all be it that the length is just a bit shorter than the bar, but I will live with that. (so much for waiting even a week, let alone three, to have gotten to this point. XD )

(oh k, I lied to myself.) March 1, started a left eyebrow tonight, got the safety pin where I want to have a mid sized/length bar to end up. (nope, I failed to have it be short enough for the bar. gave up, took it out, may try again at some point. March 3rd.)

March 10th 2017, my belly button piercing is almost fully healed, I able swab it with a bit of tissue paper and rubbing alcohol tonight, and it has almost stopped having any discharge from it.