Moderate journal, got back a few days ago. Lotta fun, even with a few times stresses of job seeking/money budgeting peeking up during it. Almost didn't get to go even; 10 minutes before heading for the airport I got violently sick (dry heaving, numb/tingling, couldn't walk, intense cold sweats, and other unpleasant things). Recovered in about 15 minutes and headed out and got better over the next day and a half. We figured out it was the pinched nerve in my back because Dervak tried cracking my back in a compress hug and that's when it happened. I collasped and got dizzy and felt myself about to vomit, and it would peek up whenever trying to turn my head towards the painful side. Glad we brought the wand and heating pad because it set me right over the next day and got to enjoy everything.

Omgggg I ate so many briskets at the cafe I felt fat. I probably even gained weight for once lmao. But yeah. Got some souvenirs there, did some tours, drinking and etc. I saw one fur suit down there and gave a passing hello. Don't bother to stop since suiters just ignore you if you aren't a fellow suiter so just a drive by hello. Waiting for the carved dragon statue to deliver that we had shipped from there (lady that owns the family store that does them was pretty nice and chill, employed me for a minute to dust off the statue and everyone had a laugh).

But yeah. Home, working on certification for Network+ again, more job apps and stuff. Today got a quick reply back that a place wants to do the first interview within like, half a hour of the recruiter giving them my rundown, so some hope there!


Overall yea. I haven't been online much anymore; finding it too hard to get into a mingle with people or chats/groups so giving up a bit more. I'm getting too old to play highschool popularity bullshit "pick me" stuff. I want to talk to people but no one's much for reaching out or trying to talk to me, so focusing on my own time. Doesn't mean I'm not up for someone to reach out, I still have my discord and telegram and they notify me. I just don't do much with them otherwise, besides updating a general status of life status.

I'm missing music, trying to listen to it more again since I use to more when driving to/from work and think it would help my mood. I'm a songdragon after all so maybe I need some of that medicine.


Anyway, later~!

Almost forgot this amongst all my troubles and staying afloat.

I'll be in New Orleans on Wednesday through Halloween until Nov 4th. Semi annual trip with Dervak and one of my normie besties. We enjoy the atmosphere down there and love visiting the historical sites. Not to mention the fucking foooood. I hit up the Vampire Cafe in the Quarter almost every day I'm there so good spot to see me if you're local. Otherwise you'll probably see me in the crowds the day before/of Halloween in my blue jay bird hoodie that's got huge wings for the arms. We got a hotel on Canal street so we're pretty much in the heart of it all <3

A bit of joy to have in the chaos that has been this year. Don't be afraid to reach out, I might just be slow (or drunk depending when I get back to messages lmao).

Preface: This went on a bit more than I intended or thought it would. But eh. Gonna start being less sorry for my feelings. I only got one life.

Context: Commented a bit of this elsewhere and wanted to put it here because it's true. I am not an artist nor have any discernible talent. Nor am I popular (that I am aware of, some have acted like my art made me 'known' at the least but I don't see it that way at all. If it was I wouldn't be saying what's below.) in any sense or other.

When your only talent is being and feeling your emotional spectrum to impossible degrees and valuing connections to the point people think you're pining for something from them, retaining any friendship is hard. Especially when you just sit there waiting to be seen and they act the way you want to be with them with others instead. So I just..daydream of being appreciated for my presence and caring. Daydream of having art or games together. And just..hope some day someone realizes who I really am and how cool it would be to really know me. Just because someone can do something I can't, doesn't mean I wouldn't give back to them in my own way.

I try to see the value in myself, but it's often hard to when you have a multitude of contacts, associates, familiar people in your orbit; but they don't bother with you. Everyone sticks to their groups, the popular, the talented. The usual suspects when it comes to the fandom. I use to have a number of people I considered friends but as I've gotten older (and lets be frank with how the fandom is horny, less twinkish and available), I've noticed they don't bother to come around anymore. I don't, or rather can't, rely on them to be available to hang out or talk to me as I see them do with others. I've had people gap plans with me, even once an entire group bail on my birthday (that was a core day for this train of thought, this "realization" to be honest). And yeah I can see the train of thought you might be having here, 'oh he's just being depressed, he needs to grow up/move on/change his attitude." But legitimately, I have done that, for years. I have worked to move on past aches and slights. I hold in the wakes in the ocean that come up frequently around this stuff, trying to maintain an image and show I am more than just what you think you see.

But it gets lonely no matter what, on this hilltop. Hoping to share a sunrise with people to appreciate, only to finish the sunset alone, each season wearing away the stone face I worked to carve and wear. No one wants to see what's underneath, what honest struggle looks like. They don't understand it, and I understand that. I do. But I cannot be perfect. I cannot always be smiling. And I cannot prove how much struggle I've gone through without literally reaching that "Oh, if only we knew before he did it" point. And that's not a point I care to let breach the waves. My fight that no one cares to see is the one that's result is I am still here, every day. Cheering myself up and finding joy and appreciation in what little I can; my games, videos, little hobbies like 3D printing, giving computer advice to anyone who wants it. Each little flower to smell and give me a reminder of why I can keep going after each ghosting and heartbreak that is set upon my back, upon my hearts. I have things to live for.


And because of that, I will keep my seat on this hill, waiting for each new sunrise to take in and feel warm again.
And I will always have a spot next to me for anyone else who cares to watch and listen with me. Even if they've left once before.
Always.

I'll probably try to make this into a commission some day. I imagine anthro Levy in waist deep waters, viewed from above with their arm outstretched and pouring gold from their slashed up arm, the other claw having some of it on the claws. A pool of it in the water around them and trailing up through the waters to the top of the image off screen. I haven't done such things to myself in a long time now, but the thoughts occasionally boil up to the surface and I just imagine art about it as a way to vent it out. I have promises to keep..but doesn't make it any easier. I just wish I didn't feel so alone some days.


Worthless//Gold

I'm begging to know how to
Can I comprehend how to
Exchange all this worthless gold
Within my veins

I spill it endlessly into an ocean
That does not return in waves
Like a one way ticket redemption
These veins only go one way

The glistening glow shows how
It shines within until it runs
Moving my body deeper into
The waves that drag me out to sea

Turning the gold into worthless
Like a tragedy of oil spilt in vein
Burning on the surface and
Drowning beneath the glow

To add onto this amazing year of being ghosted and watching my love die in front of me, I've now been fired by a manager who always treated me lesser than my coworkers and his excuses during the meeting were either an event from 8 months ago or a fumbled task that wasn't my task.

All I wanted was to be tier 2 because I did the same exact jobs at they did, and this jackass decided to finally boot me after his vacation and before mine next month.

God save me for these next words, but as if life couldn't get anymore fucked up.

I'm tired of things.

Bruh I might be asking for some trouble here but I am fuming right now.

Too often do you come across "furries" who are screaming bloody murder and accusing people of zoo interests because someone has shown art of two conscious and SELF AWARE animals (POKEMON on POKEMON in this specific context). And it blows me away and anyone who tries to tell them otherwise gets labelled as such as well. These 'furries' also use arguments like "its the definition!".

aHEM,
https://www.britannica.com/topic/zoophilia
Sexual attraction of a human toward a nonhuman animal, which may involve the experience of sexual fantasies about the animal or the pursuit of real sexual contact with it (i.e., bestiality).

If you want to play by that definition, every furry is a zoo. Guy tries to claim anthro on anthro is fine but MY GUY. Those are non-human animals too. These people run around trying to claim this stuff when they're thinking bestiality when, while yes the porn (drawn we're speaking of) in this case does exist, you got grey lines upon grey lines when it comes to if or not there's consent/awareness of each mix (feral/feral, feral/anthro, anthro/anthro, human/feral, human/anthro).

You can't just hard line it when it comes to the fandom. Real life? Absolutely, get fucked with anything irl. But the point of furry fantasy is that. Its like DnD; Im aware im at a table playing as a druid or bard, etc. It's in my head. I'm not gonna go out and cast fireballs at people I think are enemies. I don't have an urge to go f*ck something that's non-sentient. But that's the WHOLE deal with furry; is the sentient. The daydream, that in another world, we have a much more fantastically amazing reality and in this subcase, we're eyeing something other than another human (and for most people I assume, we're not human ourselves, we're our fursonas). All rules (essentially, try to be realistic with the fantasy) are out the window. Its a whole other paradigm.

These ""furries"" honestly make me rage because that's not what others nor I are interested in. And more mindblowing that they're performing a "it hurt itself in confusion" move with how political party thinking they are about ignoring every fact and false equivalencies they use to make it seem like we're kids playing with the devil when we play DnD. Old school christian ignorance level shit.

There's different levels of fantasy. Whether you only like anthros, or you like sentient ferals. Each one is a person to itself and when you step into this pool, you cannot argue a 'moses parting the sea' move in the pool; you're talking about animals in a fantasy setting and keeping 'p' out of the 'ool' but reverse; keeping the fantasy water in the pool. You walk out and dry off, you don't go home wet in your bathing suit.


For the love of the universe, stop trying to act like we're in a christian minecraft server and get some help for yourself.

And for any comments, I'm not here to argue; fantasy is fantasy, stop splitting hairs and trying to 'Scarlett Letter' everyone else.

Forgive me for this journal, it will be patched together by things I've said else where to make it easier to say things and limit how much I start crying again.
I am also working on getting her FA memorialized soon as public data is made.


I flew out to New Mexico on May 2nd to say goodbye to my longest love,  Charla

I got here while she still had some space of mind coming through here and there. They told me she lit up the most they've seen when she saw me. I finally gave her the gifts I've been holding onto for her for years now and talk to her and hold her hands. She was given some morphine on the early morning of the 3rd and never became conscious again. She began having issues midnight just into the 4th and even though the nurse told us it could be minutes to hours..she fought all the way until just after 7pm when a loud strike of thunder sounded. And she was gone.

She continued to hang around in the storm, too. The power had gone out shortly before her..and came back right after she faded. And later when they came to collect her, it began pouring down hail until they took her from the house. The rest of the weekend, the storm cycled up and down, even delaying my flights as if trying to hold me there. But eventually I had to leave. And everything became a fixed point in time.

The nurse told us she was not hurting, anxious or anything while she was under. So she went as great as she could. I was there with her mom and boyfriend, helping look after her and we were all there when it came time. It's amazing and I'm so thankful to have gotten here when she was awake, and be here still when she left. I held her hands, helped kept her cleaned up, I played the movie Spirited Away on my laptop while she was out the night before so she could listen to one of her favorite movies, and we all played her favorite music through the weekend around her.

---

"The greatest thing
You'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return."

---

The weight of loss is confounding. You lose something but it's added weight, this pressure on my chest, like a constant mild anxiety. And it takes away my ability to be happy; not that I can't be but I don't *want* to be happy. I don't want to be happy because I find her in that sadness, in those memories that end up reminding me where I am without. Without her, with the weight of her empty space, where I was reaching out to. To connect and make bridges, like neurons reaching out desperately to find one another only to be left with nothing there but the *feeling* of nothing and feeling the realization of that. The pain as it sets in while still grasping for what's not going to be there.

I love you, Red, and I'll always think of you.
You're flying as your dragon now.

Silent Picture - Deadmau5 & Grabbitz
I see you look the other way.
I know you long for something new.
So there you're wasting all your days,
looking for something that is right in front
of you…

And I just want them to notice you.
And I will never let go of you.

There's something flying in the air,
and I just don't know what it could be.
The smoke is flying everywhere,
I'm getting the feeling it's the end for you
and me.

And I know that we might be through,
but I – I'll never let go of you.

It's been a 100 days today, since my heart felt less;
Less itself, less filled. Less loved.

But keep moving forward. Maybe something better will come along..



Feels like it's rained in my head for a hundred days
(Feels like it's rained in my head for a hundred days)
Stare in the mirror and I look for another face
(Stare in the mirror and I look for another face)
And I get so tired of puttin' out fires and makin' up lies
Checkin' my eyes for some kinda light, but nothing's inside
And it feels like it's rained in my head for a hundred days

And I say I hate you when I don't
Push you when you get too close
It's hard to laugh when I'm the joke
But I can't do this on my-
Only you can save me from my lack of self-control
Sometimes bad things take the place where good things go

I've asked for forgiveness a hundred times
(I've asked for forgiveness a hundred times)
Believed it myself when I halfway apologized
(Believed it myself when I halfway apologized)
And it's not unfair, I'm asking for prayers, but nobody cares
Going nowhere like falling downstairs while everyone stares
No one's there when I've asked for forgiveness a hundred times

Say I hate you when I don't
Push you when you get too close
It's hard to laugh when I'm the joke
But I can't do this on my-
Only you can save me from my lack of self-control
And I won't make excuses for the pain I caused us both
So thank you for always standing by me even though
Sometimes bad things take the place where good things go

When the weight gets heavy some days, you just gotta be a bit more happy and remember you made it out.



One for science
One for Krishna
One for luck and one more for the road
I've been trying to find an answer
That is certain I will never know
I won't depend on something supernatural
I won't pretend it's gotta be right for me

I've been here before the warning
It opens up the door
And now I'm falling

Why did I let it go?
Why did I leave myself no explanation
As to why I needed to go somewhere else?
It's reaping what I sow
I think I need some help
I wanna let you in

Think I already know
It's out of my control
Found a solution but to let the pieces fall where they fall
Even with nothing left, I've got more than you know
I wanna let you in and we'll begin

I always simplify this all the time
Somehow I think that I'm alone
I wake up every day and change my mind
Good morning

Been a..developing last few months after being ghosted by someone who said they were interested but never wanted to make the effort towards engaging what getting closer would entail. Been giving attention to those who earn it, those who I want to give to. Learning to appreciate myself and know I'm worth more than the way some people make me feel. So it's only..idunno, warranted? When I see those who have also ghosted me after breaking friendships and saying they want to try again, are just drowning themselves in art with others to fill the void that they now have being single. And mind you, this is another person entirely too. But still kinda felt scorned over what happened and suddenly they were 'occupied' we'll say but passing by their pages seeing that's changed (can only imagine why /s).

But yeah. Just. I mean better than wallowing in hurt and questioning the past while they feel no guilt (so why should I?). Rather feel like karma is giving its due and that I am better off. I am bathing my affections over another instead, who needs it and wants it. I enjoyed MCFC this past weekend and in a couple days I get to see Caravan Palace in concert finally so I'm excited. Got a new 3D printer, largest(?) size there kinda is or next to and I'm eager to figure out how and what to do with it. I've also put more funds into my New Orleans trip coming this October again and can't wait to eat my favorite and only brisket at the Vampire Cafe down there.

Overall trying to socialize more after tending to a broken heart, after waiting for another scar from these kinds of people to heal over before I get myself out and about out there. And for as kind and hopeful I am, as always trying to be nice and think kindly...sometimes you earn the right to look down your nose at some of these people and feel a little glee when they're finding out what its like, even if they'll never admit or see it as that. Better than causing a dramatic stir, commenting on their things and harassing them. Just...enjoy the show >:3


Anyway, enough sadistic melodies. Just...wanted to speak up. Express and update. I'm excited for things to come.


Break down, only alone I will cry out loud
You'll never see what's hiding out
Hiding out deep down
Yeah, yeah
I know, I've heard that to let your feelings show
Is the only way to make friendships grow
But I'm too afraid now
Yeah, yeah

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable
I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident
Yeah, I'm unstoppable today

Just living my life. Getting through and over a number of things. Trying to move on and forward as they say.

Wanted to show I'm around but not very active here currently as I'm focused on my job and then relaxing when home. Coming on here tends to be anxiety inducing because I'm paranoid of seeing more art of ex-people I knew showing up in artist feeds I watch and I know it'll mess me up for a day or two. I tend to just purge submissions now.

But yeah. Got MCFC this weekend I'm staffing as usual. You'll probably find me serving popcorn from the corner like last time, I love doing it. Afterhours trying to find parties to get a lil tipsy at and lounge with the crowd vibe (I basically fake being an I'm extrovert to manage this hah). So if you're going, keep an eye out for either a Stitch kigu or a blue bird hoodie with wings, both in a red harness :>

Just saving money for stuff at this point. Trying to keep an even keel on the waters. Thank you to those who are reading and even talking to me despite me being quiet often. I tend to just watch stuff or game after work and avoid unbalancing myself. Trying to focus on myself for once instead of give to those who give nothing back.

Have a lovely day :>

Laying in bed at 5am here and can't sleep.
So just wanted to put out there it was my birthday last weekend.
It was nice overall. Went out with a couple friends, took a few days off work to relax and process..

But I still felt the absence of someone. The kind that make sleepless nights like tonight harder because that's where all thoughts eventually drain to before disappearing.

I never thought I'd be here at 34. Both situation, and literally. There had been plans in the past but..I always ended up thinking "why not, always next time. Let's see what happens." And truthfully its been a mixed bag. I got a job in my field, living in an apartment, supporting myself like an adult. But at the same time I'm single, rarely see friends if you can call them that, don't get out much especially to cons. And I'm still in an apartment.

The potential to either be a deadend, or the spot where things start to flourish is here. But I don't know which will prevail. And I feel less like the good will happen the longer and harder I struggle to move up in life and find someone whose.. interested. I'm 34. I just want to be serious about it. Not play games. My life is already a game with the things I've been through like stacking debuffs to make my journey harder. I just want something to make it worth it. Someone to make me feel worth it..


Anyway. Gloomy feelings at a sleepless night. Another birthday passed with one less loved person to be there..and I'm just waiting to see my life wilt..or bloom.



Strangers, from strangers into brothers
From brothers into strangers once again
We saw the whole world
But I couldn't see the meaning
I couldn't even recognize my friends

Older, but nothing's any different
Right now feels the same, I wonder why
I wish they told us
It shouldn't take a sickness
Or airplanes falling out the sky

Do I have to die to hear you miss me?
Do I have to die to hear you say goodbye?
I don't wanna act like there's tomorrow
I don't wanna wait to do this one more time

One more time
One more
One more time
One more time

I miss you, took time but I admit it
It still hurts even after all these years
And I know that next time, ain't always gonna happen
I gotta say, "I love you" while we're here

Do I have to die to hear you miss me?
Do I have to die to hear you say goodbye?
I don't wanna act like there's tomorrow
I don't wanna wait to do this one more time

One more time
One more
One more time
One more time

Been quiet and withdrawn, apologies.
Heartbreak sorta does that to you. Hoping and trying to make something with someone just to find your on your own on that road and they never wanted to dare the attempt, yet wanted the fruits of it. Finding you've been giving yourself and what's left of your heart to someone for nothing is...well, heartbreaking. Then to be ghosted again when they figured they drained you of what you were worth, soulcrushing.

But I'm making it day by day, week to week. Occasionally crying it out and picking myself back up.. trying to know I have worth and someday someone will choose me instead of making me a temporary, daydream option.

Until then, crooning alone in my cave to music to keep me going.

Guard and armour, protect me when I falter
When I tire of a world that leaves me cold inside

In darkness be the sound and light
Be the beacon, be the guide
In the cause of all you justify

When I wander and far I stray
When this world has failed me
Give me strength and heal my soul
When I'm broken when I'm lost,
And roads seem neverending
Be the path that brings me home
When it feels I can't go on
Let your armour cover me

Time relentless takes no sides
Mortals burdened, lost and blind
Tread a dream, a gift we vilify

Where tempests rage upon the seas
And sirens call to lure and lead
Fragile hopes on vessels run aground

When I wander and far I stray
When this world has failed me
Give me strength and heal my soul
When I'm broken when I'm lost,
And roads seem neverending
Be the path that brings me home
When it feels I can't go on
Let your armour cover me

When I wander and far I stray
When this world has failed me
Give me strength and heal my soul

When it feels I can't go on
When it feels I can't go on
Let your armour cover me

It's that time of the year. That reminder of what was and betrayal. I felt it in my bones and a song came through the void.

I don't have much in my life. Don't have a good talent, don't have an extraordinary knowledge of something to build a life off of. I'm not a bright blossoming centerpiece, not much more than a wallflower, something to add color to the room but blend into the picture.


Hand on my mouth, I shouldn't have said it
Gave you a chance, already regret it
Trying so hard to be sympathetic
But I know where it's gonna go if I let it
And I let it

Knowing you're hiding what no one else sees
Close-lipped smile 'cause there's blood on your teeth
What you forget you are gonna repeat
You don't get to make amends like your hand's still clean

But that's why I feel such a strong connection and due to the universe. That a small dragon like me has such a powerful heart still despite it all. That can see it all and give so much because of it despite how little ever comes back usually.

And that's why I have confidence in when someone like the person of my yearly mourn here is as this song says: Stained. It came out this month and came to me just when it needed to, as every song I love does. Music finds me when I need it. Music is there for me, builds me, loves me when I'm down. Tells me what I need to hear.

Sweat in your hands while the time starts ticking
Sweat in your hands while the time starts ticking
Tripping on words, alibi starts slipping
Tripping on words, alibi starts slipping
Wanna wake from the nightmare you've been living
Wanna wake from the nightmare you've been living
But we both know forgotten doesn't mean forgiven
Doesn't mean forgiven
Forgiven

I don't cry about what happened anymore. I put my notion of crying into a bottle on a shelf. I don't have the luxury of crying over it anymore.
It's like pulling down a bitter smelling candle to take the scent of and briefly go back for a moment. Remember, regret, cry; then put it back in the bottle. My little storm in a bottle.

But as time has gone on its become its own blended in background item. And I know I'm not the one who carries that weight either. There are stains, scars, one has for their actions. The things you do to others, words you break. And the fact that the universe always comes for me with a voice through music when I need it, is my proof enough.

I don't wash away.

And someday
Knowing you're hiding what no one else sees
And someday
Close-lipped smile over blood on your teeth
And someday
What you forget you are gonna repeat
Trying to make amends like your hand's still clean
But we both know that your hand's not clean

And someday
Your hands will be too red to hide the blame
You'll realize you had it coming
Pretend you're spotless
But I don't wash away
And now you're stained
And now you're stained
And now you're stained

..sometimes moments change just like the sun cresting over the horizon. It's dark, then suddenly that light strikes.

I think things are gonna go well again. Even though I was passed over for a promotion at work this week for my co-worker whose been here half the time I have been and doing the same work I have..other things have been happening that I..am holding close. Closer. And I want to try. Really try. And it makes me want to just try at everything anyway. So what if work did that, manager has always underestimated me; I'll keep doing my job with apparent rewardless praise and collect money to survive and get home and relax. It's my life, I want to enjoy it before things end.

And there's some people who admittedly enjoy sharing their time with me on occasion. And I value that.

Been going through many things but I'm still here.

Just had three years at work, been building a better relationship with some friends and specific people. Trying to forget (or rather let go of) the past of others as the sentiment of their past comes up occasionally with the waves of emotion and time.

I really wanna get more art, emotional pieces and stuff with people..but I lack close friends to get things with, and I'm trying to save more money to pay off bills to be a bit more responsible.

I've not talked a lot to people on my telegram. I stopped reaching out as much cause...well, it shouldn't just be me reaching out. So I'm just letting it wither a bit, even if it hurts and upsets me to stare at the dying chat. I feel awkward wanting to say something but don't want to start something dramatic or just be further ignored more again.

But I'm moving along. And I'm enjoying my time where and when I can. With the help of a few people, especially one I've been looking up to nevermind they fell through.

Hope you all are well~

Levy

_{Inspired and sung like Muse's "Dig Down"}


Shi lays, almost in a heap, at the edge of the cliff. Of the pond. Of hir world. And let's out a sigh that almost becomes a soft crying before stifling it.
Silence for a moment as shi stares down at the reflection staring back at hir and shi begins to croon..

Blue upon blue
Proud over shy
When the nights are done
"And a place for us was made"

It hurts, So I dig down
Far enough until I'm no longer here
And I've begun floating through
Old memories to drown

When I turn inward and see you
And no longer the way I did
I want to find who I thought before
And hide away under your gaze

It hurts, so I dig down
Far enough until I'm no longer here
And I've begun floating through
Old memories to drown

Time spent waiting for you
You counting the time
When nothing else mattered
"And shattered teacups came together"

It hurts, so I dig down
Far enough until I'm no longer here
And I've begun floating through
Old memories to drown

It hurts, so I dig down (no longer seek the skies)
Far enough until I'm no longer here (the sun has gone away)
And I've begun floating through (gotta find the river underground)
Old memories to drown (until its blue upon blue)

Quietly shi curls back up, tight to hirself as the night comes. Hoping day finds a new path again, should shi survive the night.

Hello hello there~

Just a little journal of words for once. Had my yearly community BBQ this past weekend and I think around 100 furs attended again! Always crazy and wears me out but love seeing everyone enjoy coming together and hanging out.

Things have been up and down. I've been making due through the pitfalls of emotional weights that is lost friendships that plague my prehipheral vision as I browse the community and such. And its more ironic that what harmful things they've done just to have someone recently try to spread lies about me to someone I rarely talk to after discussing to them about said shared contact and light, personal details started by the third, lying party. Started a storm and lucky for me, before they nuked the chat after I was accused by the person they went to, I took screenshots. Ended that shit in a heartbeat.

Liars are an unsightly thing and I don't get what brings them to my footstep. Maybe it's my initial vulnerability wanting to show people I am willing to be open and show who I am? I'm not really sure. But the unending targeting for being made out to be the baddie is..tiring. Meanwhile I'm just waiting for some of these..old ex friends who have bailed on me to go 'are-we-the-baddies.gif?' but I don't have faith in those epiphanies arising when I've already tried reaching out or giving second chances just to be bitten when showing my vulnerability.


Anyway. Asides for that jazz, I am.. managing! There are times I look inside a bit too long and that pain of the past is all too real again and I have to remember to climb back out before my eyes blur but I'm hoping it'll be like.. getting use to it kinda thing and eventually it'll stop bothering me. Especially with those who are still around and who have started coming around.

I have those who have been showing dedication and it means so much to me, especially when I regrettably cling too hard and it causes backtrack and a long conversation to stablize. The woes of having a friend with BPD but..none more will appreciate as someone with that. And I've had new people or others renewing so to say their appearance and it's been pleasant. Overall I'm trying to let more in and talk better but obviously it's hard with the kind of things I've been through and I'm always, constantly..afraid of what might happen next. It just doesn't change and I see paths and possibilities everywhere and fret on how I should what in certain ways with what kinda phrasing. Because it always seems to end up deciding if I lose someone or not as I have. Whether they finally understand that I'm feeling left out and they've let down their word to me that I thought they gave to me..or instead of understanding that, they think I'm trying to control them and they don't understand and immediately don't want to talk it out with me, let me try to fix the miscommunication..

Communication is big to me. And I dislike liars. So you can see why I would feel so hurt by those who I've been "misled" by, and bailed on by. And why this recent bout of foolishness by someone, while made me laugh the whole time, frustrated me deeply because they put my standing with someone on a bad edge I almost couldn't recover.

Words and actions matter. There's a reason that's always been on my profile. So thank you to those who are here, right now. Underneath everything, there's still a struggle some days left over from..a few people. Sometimes I'm not sure if it won't suddenly come out and take control. But having you all here is always an amazing reminder why I think "You might as well keep going; who knows what else there is to do."


Keep your heart gems safe.

The goodbye is the hardest part
When we find ourselves back at the start
But I'm not so brave, and I'm not so smart, no
I'm doing you a favor, doing you a favor

One day you will understand
Why I pushed you away as I ran
And you will find a better man than I am
Trust, I'm doing you a favor, doing you a favor
(Ooh)

Despicable
I'm just a bottom feeder (uh huh)
Despicable
I ain't never been a keeper (oh no)
Despicable
Love her then I leave her

And if I were you, I wouldn't love me neither
Said if I were you, I wouldn't love me neither

I wouldn't love me neither
Despicable

The boy who fell into the sky
Had no one there to watch him cry
He looked at you with his empty eyes and said
"I'm doing you a favor, doing you a favor"
(Ooh)

Despicable
I'm just a bottom feeder (uh huh)
Despicable
I ain't never been a keeper (oh no)
Despicable
Love her then I leave her
And if I were you, I wouldn't love me neither

Said if I were you, I wouldn't love me neither

I wouldn't love me neither
Despicable

How I wish I told a different tale
Like we chased the light and his love prevailed
But his blood went cold and his skin went pale
She got a letter in the mail, said
"I'm doing you a favor, doing you a favor"

Said, "If I were you, I wouldn't love me neither" (no)
Said, "If I were you" ("If I were you")
Said, "If I were you, I wouldn't love me neither"

_{Sept 29, live in concert. My heart.}


I can't be alone
Guess I never told you so
Making my way towards you
Tracing out a line
A route I've mapped a thousand times
Making my way towards you

I would swim the Paladin Strait
Without any floatation
Just a glimpse of visual aid
Of you on the other shoreline
Waiting, expectations
That I'm gonna make it
(Mhm-mhm)

Standing on the shore
Staring down a hurtling storm
Making it's way towards me
Water rips with rage
Endless row of angry waves
Making it's way towards me

I would swim the Paladin Strait
Without any floatation
Just a glimpse of visual aid
Of you on the other shoreline
Waiting, expectations
That I'm gonna make it
(Mhm-mhm)

Here's my chance, time to take it
Can't be sure that I'll make it
Even though I'm past the point of no return
I'm all in, I'm surrounded
Put my money where my mouth is
Even though I'm past the point of no return
Here's my chance, time to take it
Can't be sure that I'll make it
Even though I'm past the point of no return
I'm all in, I'm surrounded
Put my money where my mouth is
Even though I'm past the point of no return

Lil something I got from yet another emotive facebook reel that keeps coming by my feed and I can't stop saving them. Quotes from people about emotions, hearts, feelings and what of them between people while some classical soft music plays and someone in a soft voices says some 'profound' "you have a soul" thing but honestly they're nice.

"Sometimes we aren't meant to get over someone, and we go on living a little bit emptier. That's the lesson of life, isn't it? It gives us one person who both, shows us that true love exists and that fairy tales don't. There are plenty of ways to die, but only love can kill and keep you alive to feel it. I guess we should love ourselves, then figure out how to spill a little of that over on someone else. There's only one thing more precious than our time and that's who we spend it on. I still believe in my heart regardless of how badly it's been broken. Because vulnerability is the essence of connection and connection is the essence of existence. I don't think I miss you anymore, but I'm not certain that's a good thing, because I feel caught in this indescribable space between loving you and hating you."

- Leo Christopher (supposedly, at least some of it is)


Seems like monthly, on queue around this time of the month I re-read some old things and while it hurts less, its still deep in there. And of course life likes to keep that appointment too and I see...well, saw, art commissioned from them from yet another artist I watch. And while I cared less about them with another random person, doing things easily they made so hard to do with me..that flood still hits me. Maybe I should stop watching my favorite artists? It seems unfair. This person didn't use to comm them until after our time, so almost feels intentional still. I'm aware of names I've seen in my life and never seen theirs around the artist I watch until after this. And I still have to force myself to not look deeper; at their profile. At their telegram. At the art itself. I just avoid it; but I can't avoid the thoughts about how they moved on, how they're probably content and doing things with others and have not a care about the friendship they abandoned, the hurt they left..how a person can do something so hurtful to someone you cared about..or that cared about you.

I just kinda mellowed the rest of the day. Napped a lot to get through it. It's still here though a bit, sitting with me, head on my shoulder watching what I do, even now as I type. I'm trying to treat it like a friend and maybe I can learn to understand it and turn it into something else like that. Things are getting better over time, its less and less dark, but the form is ever present. The memory makes me cry just as much as it ever did any time I try to turn to face it fully. But sometimes I can't help it; its like when you get a good bonfire going and you wanna feel that first warmth and you press your hands so close despite knowing in a moment you're going to really feel the heat. It's a masochistic pain and ironically I wish I could stop..trying to reach back into those dark waters hoping I can find remnants of something because I can feel all the cuts on my hands and arms stinging under the water. It's not helping..but its dulling too. Until its not.


Anyway...I'm trying to recover from my recent downturn and hiatus. I haven't been too open to conversations, especially to new people so apologies to those few who have been trying recently. But this time around I just..are not as willing. Too many games from people who showed up, wanting to be friends, then turned on me and treated me like I was the selfish one for trying to point out they approached me but weren't treating me as the friend they say I was while I watched them give and give to others. There's a reason I still basically have no art posted with anyone else. The couple pieces that were are gone or altered. I'm tired of being used for the trophy rarity, or online gratification. All to watch people act and talk like they're real people and have real feelings while closing off to me and treating me like I want too much emotionally for simply...trying to connect. Now I'm just learning to let go. Maybe people need to start chasing me instead; I'm tired of following and running after someone just to be hurt and left on the side of the road..

I need to start finding a path, even if I have to start showing people a different side of what use to be a timid, gentle dragon.


Rat race, place to place, adding weight
Tendencies on repeat, innit
Benefit from a shoe with no lace
Take the seat with the crease in it
I don't mind if it's lonely
I don't mind if it's fair
I don't care, you control me
Leading me anywhere

I don't wanna backslide to where I've started from
There's no chance I will shake this again
'Cause I feel the pull, water's over my head
Strength enough for one more time
Reach my hand above the tide
I'll take anything you have if you could throw me a line
I should've loved you better
Do you think that now's the time you should let go?
It's over my head

Bad place on a hundred dollar bass
Kind of wishing that I never did Saturday
Is that a stain? You should change
Are you doing good? Did you solve all of your problems?
Thanks for asking, in a way, but
Accidentally uncovered a new one yesterday
What happened to what I brushed under the rug?
I used to be the champion of a world you can't see
Now I'm drowning in logistics

I don't wanna backslide to where I've started from
There's no chance I will shake this again
'Cause I feel the pull, water's over my head
Strength enough for one more time
Reach my hand above the tide
I'll take anything you have if you could throw me a line
I should've loved you better
Do you think that now's the time you should let go?

it's over my head
(I don't mind if it's fair) you should let go
(I don't care you control me) it's over my head
(Leading me anywhere)
I'll take anything you have if you could throw me a line
I should've loved you better
Do you think that now's the time you should let go?
It's over my head
You should let go
It's over my head

I don't wanna backslide

If you haven't seen it, IMMA BURB NOW.
I'm so happy for this lmao.

Anyway, current obsessive track that hits home; enjoy.


Walk the layout, routines in the night
Some doors have "stay out" spray painted in white
While all the world's asleep, I walk around instead
Through the memories, down the halls of my head
Walk the layout, routines in the night
Some doors have "stay out" spray painted in white
While all the world's asleep, I walk around instead
Through the memories, down the halls of my head

Here comes a new night but I'll send it through
I'll probably jump on the next one
I'm testing the limits of what a mind can do
I'm keeping my eyelids up, no matter what

So beautiful, the space between
A painful reminder and a terrible dream
I've been here before and I've got time
I'll give you the tour, show you why I-

Walk the layout, routines in the night
Some doors have "stay out" spray painted in white
While all the world's asleep, I walk around instead
Through the memories, down the halls of my head

Reoccurring, keeps coming around
REM cycle skip, night psycho trip
It's reassuring you keep coming around
It's tough to find good company
Reoccurring, days blurring
I'm still learning what this is (what this is, what this is, what this is)
Just keep me company

So beautiful, the space between
A painful reminder and a terrible dream
I've been here before and I've got time
I'll give you the tour, show you why I-
I'll show you why I-
I'll show you why I-

Walk the layout (the layout), routines in the night (in the night)
Some doors have "stay out" (stay out) spray painted in white (in white)
While all the world's asleep (all the world's asleep), I walk around instead
Through the memories (through the memories), down the halls of my head
Walk the layout, routines in the night
Some doors have "stay out" spray painted in white
While all the world's asleep (all the world's asleep), I walk around instead
Through the memories, down the halls of my head