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I did a good
Posted a year agoI saved a turtle from the road today on my way home from work :>
that is all. just random.
that is all. just random.
Difference between real and fake friends
Posted a year agoIs those that will stick around during your withdrawal, and those that will take the opportunity to be one of the extremely few you will still speak to during hiatus to secretly edit a message offline and tell you they're done with you because you're upset and not be there for you.
This is exactly, exactly why I having ghosting issues. Friend issues, trust issues.
Why I have this fucking journal explaining what I expect from my friendships.
Because I'm tired of even being offline, trying to pullback and deal with my anxiety and dark thoughts and saying the smallest of feelings to people who tell me they're "there for me" and getting bailed on.
Meanwhile I get hated on and yelled at for being emotional and attached, for wanting "too much" and the hypocrisy is astounding and mindblowing.
I cannot be right, at all.
I speak, and I'm wrong.
I stay silent, and I'm wrong.
No matter what, people walk away after carelessly tossing about the words "care about you" and yet wonder why I have so many of these issues.
I am trying to be me in world with people who live by the rule "do as I say, not as I do" and I have no place to be safe. I cannot beg or cry anymore, I am dry.
And I am on the verge of learning to disconnect and just..not care about anything or anyone anymore.
Because I cannot trust anything or anyone with the smallest bit of hope. Of myself.
And there's barely any of that left. And I am trying my damnest to keep going on empty.
This is exactly, exactly why I having ghosting issues. Friend issues, trust issues.
Why I have this fucking journal explaining what I expect from my friendships.
Because I'm tired of even being offline, trying to pullback and deal with my anxiety and dark thoughts and saying the smallest of feelings to people who tell me they're "there for me" and getting bailed on.
Meanwhile I get hated on and yelled at for being emotional and attached, for wanting "too much" and the hypocrisy is astounding and mindblowing.
I cannot be right, at all.
I speak, and I'm wrong.
I stay silent, and I'm wrong.
No matter what, people walk away after carelessly tossing about the words "care about you" and yet wonder why I have so many of these issues.
I am trying to be me in world with people who live by the rule "do as I say, not as I do" and I have no place to be safe. I cannot beg or cry anymore, I am dry.
And I am on the verge of learning to disconnect and just..not care about anything or anyone anymore.
Because I cannot trust anything or anyone with the smallest bit of hope. Of myself.
And there's barely any of that left. And I am trying my damnest to keep going on empty.
Effects of ghosting
Posted a year agoDo you know what the effects of ghosting are?
An image bleeding into reality that never really comes into view, or goes away. Of a person that mattered so much they left an imprint on your mind, your vision, your feelings..
It's a moving image too. It's there, motioning to me, moving it's mouth as though I can hear the words it's speaking. Saying the things I use to enjoy, or giving me the reasons I need to know why they're gone. But I can't hear them. And it's torture.
A ghost is usually the idea of someone who passed, but remains tortured with unfinished business; but in this case it's poetically and cruelly the opposite. It's creating a ghost that gives you unfinished business, tortured with a broken heart craving to hear those reasons. Instead of hearing a ghost wail at night, you are what wails at night as you keep trying to keep it out of sight as it continues to torture you with words you can't hear as much as you try and wish.
A ghost is purgatory on earth, but ghosting is putting someone into a living purgatory and leaving them but never giving them the ability to close the door from the hollowing moans the wind makes as that ghost you left as baggage becomes theirs to bear walks in night after night. Acting like they have tears to shed but they come from me instead like a sympathetic connection only I bear to the past that use to bear warmer wind and words that spoke aloud with comfort instead of ringing silent of dispair.
Do you know what a ghost is?
I do.
But you can't hear me so you won't leave me, ghost.
As much as I beg to know what you're saying I wish you would just go.
An image bleeding into reality that never really comes into view, or goes away. Of a person that mattered so much they left an imprint on your mind, your vision, your feelings..
It's a moving image too. It's there, motioning to me, moving it's mouth as though I can hear the words it's speaking. Saying the things I use to enjoy, or giving me the reasons I need to know why they're gone. But I can't hear them. And it's torture.
A ghost is usually the idea of someone who passed, but remains tortured with unfinished business; but in this case it's poetically and cruelly the opposite. It's creating a ghost that gives you unfinished business, tortured with a broken heart craving to hear those reasons. Instead of hearing a ghost wail at night, you are what wails at night as you keep trying to keep it out of sight as it continues to torture you with words you can't hear as much as you try and wish.
A ghost is purgatory on earth, but ghosting is putting someone into a living purgatory and leaving them but never giving them the ability to close the door from the hollowing moans the wind makes as that ghost you left as baggage becomes theirs to bear walks in night after night. Acting like they have tears to shed but they come from me instead like a sympathetic connection only I bear to the past that use to bear warmer wind and words that spoke aloud with comfort instead of ringing silent of dispair.
Do you know what a ghost is?
I do.
But you can't hear me so you won't leave me, ghost.
As much as I beg to know what you're saying I wish you would just go.
Regrowing feathers
Posted a year agoSpent some time with my mom last weekend after the funeral. Just seeing how she was doing and all, talk and stuff. She knows about my life and especially the struggles I go through with BPD, communication and told her about recent trials in making/keeping friends and she said something that kinda struck deep to me; that though some of the ways I've gone about confronting some of my (ex) friends in ways that may have made them feel..confronted, weren't good, the fact remains that actual friends, real friends, would have acknowledged how I felt. That I was saying I was hurt and said they're sorry I feel hurt and ask how we can fix it.
And that..really made a sense, to me at least. Granted a child's mother will defend them but my mom always knew when I was wrong, and I never tried to hide my own mistakes either (I use to do 'wrong' things as a kid then turn myself in, and even now, I own up in my arguments about my mistakes in "approaching" an issue I have). But it just..idunno, gave me some clarity. And ability to let go more I think. I hate letting go of people but if they're selfish and self-absorbed enough to not understand when their friend is hurt and trying to say that and just become spikey themselves and sever everything, even after the signs the other has given to show they care even on their bad days? Then maybe they aren't the good person they claim to be, that they think they are. You only become that by owning and fixing your mistakes.
And I've been trying to do that. I've been working on my issues with each person I have a rocky road with lately and, while not always great, its been getting better. And a number of them with a lot more understanding. And I've recovered a number of people I hope to call closer friends in the future too. I feel happy over it, and I'm trying to not let the few selfish dicks who have broken their word to me and try to act like its nothing bring me down when I think about the loss of them. Instead..maybe think about its them losing me. They came to me..I opened up. And they kept abusing my trust. And I tried repeatedly, with the history I've been through, I tried and asked to keep trying because I liked them and cared. And if that wasn't enough for them, then so be it.
It's not the first time, and it won't be the last. Feathers fall out, but they regrow.
I won't let them stop me from flying for too long. That sky is mine.
The line is drawn
I pledge my devotion
There is no turning back
This heart is yours
I sacrifice for you
For you, for you
This is the everlasting
This is immortal
Your words are my inspiration
Your life, an image of perfection
For all you are, for all you've done
I strive to be in your reflection
And that..really made a sense, to me at least. Granted a child's mother will defend them but my mom always knew when I was wrong, and I never tried to hide my own mistakes either (I use to do 'wrong' things as a kid then turn myself in, and even now, I own up in my arguments about my mistakes in "approaching" an issue I have). But it just..idunno, gave me some clarity. And ability to let go more I think. I hate letting go of people but if they're selfish and self-absorbed enough to not understand when their friend is hurt and trying to say that and just become spikey themselves and sever everything, even after the signs the other has given to show they care even on their bad days? Then maybe they aren't the good person they claim to be, that they think they are. You only become that by owning and fixing your mistakes.
And I've been trying to do that. I've been working on my issues with each person I have a rocky road with lately and, while not always great, its been getting better. And a number of them with a lot more understanding. And I've recovered a number of people I hope to call closer friends in the future too. I feel happy over it, and I'm trying to not let the few selfish dicks who have broken their word to me and try to act like its nothing bring me down when I think about the loss of them. Instead..maybe think about its them losing me. They came to me..I opened up. And they kept abusing my trust. And I tried repeatedly, with the history I've been through, I tried and asked to keep trying because I liked them and cared. And if that wasn't enough for them, then so be it.
It's not the first time, and it won't be the last. Feathers fall out, but they regrow.
I won't let them stop me from flying for too long. That sky is mine.
The line is drawn
I pledge my devotion
There is no turning back
This heart is yours
I sacrifice for you
For you, for you
This is the everlasting
This is immortal
Your words are my inspiration
Your life, an image of perfection
For all you are, for all you've done
I strive to be in your reflection
[PERM] The Official "If you wanna be friends" Journal
Posted 2 years agoOkay. I think this is about (over) due, mostly because I am getting rather tired and frustrated of explaining these things over and over to new people and having arguments about the (or as they like to say, my) concept of friends. We all have our different ideals, and you know what; that's just fine. Whatever. Good for you. Be happy with that.
But respect mine.
I have developed mine for a reason. I also have BPD and this video is useful information on that. I have carved out my "requirements" because of the selfish, because of the manipulative and the liars and the absent and the using. I have trust issues, day one. It's plain to read for the next guy, you're not special, it doesn't take a genius and it's nothing that I need an earful about therapy for. The world still works with people who have trust issues and everyone makes due and guess what, we all have friendships that work in their own ways because we care and respect it. Or at least usually its a two way street. I would love to have it returned but a lot of the time it's not; clearly I've been treated like worthless trash recently and there's some..friendships I have that I give way more to than I think I get back. And maybe it's wearing me down and it's gonna collapse again soon. But I'll deal with it when it comes due.
But these are my ways of "expecting" and interpreting a friendship:
Am I expecting a daily upkeep?
Fuck no. I'm not obsessive. What I do expect is the interest though. Engagement. You're interested in trying to be friends? I kinda hope and expect to hear from you and be talked to here and there. Sure maybe a few times a week in the start if that's what we do, eager to talk and stuff, and maybe we'll slow a bit after that as we burn out the introductions and move into a casual on and off thing as it continues; but I'm not expecting your god damn hourly time slot every day. Dude even I want time, I'm an introvert. There might be someone here and there I end up just..clicking on and you might get me more than not but what I expect is us to share communication efforts and not leave it up to me and never hear from you for weeks to months. Yes, friends can do that; but that's friends. We aren't friends, we're trying to know each other, as a lot of you like to remind me as if I'm demanding your attention in mate-tier time (and personally, fuck off on that sentiment, really. You who do that, aren't listening). So you can't have it both ways; either we're friends and can fuck off on whim (but you don't wanna say we're friends), or we're not and we honestly need to be able to have conversations occasionally. Nothing major, though it would be cool if we could actually connect on stuff eventually, I mean, friends do that and if that's what we're going for, it wouldn't hurt to happen. We're furries but we're still humans too.
Am I expecting emotional support?
Dude, again, no. Not in the way you keep thinking. Friends (when friends are a thing) do support each other though. Am I going to drop my world on you? God, no. Maybe you'll try to ask, but I generally try to hold back still. I don't like relying on people for everything. I have trust issues above all and as recent events are further proving, giving someone my trust in such a thing ends up being a mistake. I have my pits like anyone else, but sure I won't lie; I am definitely more sensitive and emotional than the next hundred people. I can't help it. But to me, it also means I will be there for you. I will understand and hurt with you. I don't give up and even if we fight repeatedly on something, I will fight harder to keep going on the friendship. People need to understand that about -> my personality type, INFJ. We're strong about our friendships and they mean a lot and unfortunately with my bleeding heart on my sleeve, its a bit more intense..
Speaking of intense..Am I trying to find some deeper thing?
As said in the first section; fuck right off. No. While I could easily say yes to this, because I am a person who does hold out and seek strong connections, I am not seeking that in every little god damn hello. I am simply..bearing myself open. I don't hide I guess. Why bother; I have nothing to hide. This is me, I want you to know this is who I am so I can find someone who wants that in a friend, or a best friend if it happens, or a close friend, or unlikely a mate (I don't see that happening, while I'm being honest here; between the times I've been cheated on, lied to, used and how jaded I am these days, I don't feel like I would be a good idea so I don't try. So I just enjoy close company, close friends, which is why people likely mistake me for being so passionate about my friendships; I lack a circle and I don't seek beyond it so it's all focused into friends). I simply just want to make connections and being honest about who I am and what I'm passionate about and how much I care about things, especially the friends I have, matter to me.
"You should join *such and such*"
No. I loathe groups, especially where I know one person and that's it. I have done it repeatedly just to be left alone and ignored. Sorry but I don't appreciate being dragged into a discord or a telegram group to be dropped into someone's friend group where I get overshadowed by people who ignore me because they A- don't know me so they don't care, B- it's got a bunch of popular kids spamming their art for attention which kills the chat, or C- a bunch of cliques ignoring each other and the outcasts while simultaneously obsessing over the popular kids in chat and kissing ass on each other. All it takes is one of them to decide they could care less about you cause you didn't care for their art or to suck up and half the server starts passive aggressively treating you like dirt because the cool kids are doing it; believe me I've dealt with it enough. I'm also not here to be 'helped' into a community that I have no connections in and be awkward about until I finally feel like I should just leave and do and no one notices. Plenty of times I've been chased out of chats I knew a decent amount of people and they never noticed. I am here to talk to you, the potential friend. Don't pawn me off, that's not you being interested in me and I will take it as such and just feel like a bother and stop talking.
Friendship loyalty (Added Jan '24)
Short blurb, but while it can be grey lines, when you have someone in your life that has absolutely devastated you in some form and you want to avoid them; loyalty from your friends is something that matters. Granted, prior friendships can make this tricky but if its a lacking/new/limited/etc one, compromises can be made too. But for others as for myself, I would give and expect, or at least hope to, have a loyalty to help avoid those people in your/my life. Sometimes that thing matters; sometimes its not just a drama thing, its beyond that and really hits hard, maybe even to a bit of PTSD, or extreme anxiety. A friend would understand and do what they can to, and even I don't expect the world of this request but it has its minimum request (in most cases, not seeing pictures usually, in rare cases, not getting pictures with certain people). It's something you just have to understand, or come to understand. Or don't and we part ways, because I need to be comfortable and trust my friends, and know they aren't going to be the bestie of someone whose fucking me over the rest of my life and causing panic attacks every time I'm forced to see them around. What I ask is rare and minor, but very important. No fence sitter crap, I don't like drama but I don't support people who support friendships with literal terrible people.
Mean what you say (Added March '24)
Might need to fill this in more later as I'm doing this mobile but shortly put; what you SAY matters. If you tell me something, if you put your word on something; I will HOLD you to your word. I am dead tired of the years and years of friends and people who have told me they would stick around or get art with me just to never do it or completely flat out lie/break their word. I'd rather not have you tell me you're gonna be there, or that you want art unless you damn well intend to do it. Especially not say it's the "next thing on your list" when it clearly isn't or you think you can do something else and it won't matter to me; because IT WILL. Words and actions matter. What happens in the world when what you tell someone doesn't matter anymore? Your oaths to your future partner won't even mean shit at that point if you can't keep a simple but meaningful promise as planning art or sticking with your friend through a rough spot.
You might think this is all A LOT to go over and "obsess" about but as I've mentioned before; I've been approached and promptly ignored a lot by people "interested" in supposed friendship many, many times, and some who don't think they owe anything to their side of the friendship. I've had people who have even straight up told me right after roleplays that they wouldn't disappear then promptly disappeared and continued to leave me unread and ignored in groups after telling me they know how it felt. I have had countless conversations go dead in the water from people who said they wanted to keep talking and I tried and tried and tried to engage and it went nowhere. The previous example I even tried once a month for half a year saying hello with no response. Some people only wanted to roleplay and that's not I'm here for, if anything only good friends enjoy that benefit.
I get that people have different availabilities, but as I said, I don't expect a daily thing or god, if you're that busy, tell me. Set a precedence and we'll be good. I can understand stuff if you're direct with me. But I won't tolerate or understand being ignored while you are clearly active online with other people, and treating other friends nicer while I struggle to get a conversation or build something with you. Because I want to, but if you don't seem like it, I'm gonna be hurt, and I'm gonna express it one way or another until we're done and over, or I'll just disappear if we're barely anything.
That's that, guys. Hopefully it didn't hurt too bad to read and maybe you understand what I really seek outta a friendship now. Just respect it.
But respect mine.
I have developed mine for a reason. I also have BPD and this video is useful information on that. I have carved out my "requirements" because of the selfish, because of the manipulative and the liars and the absent and the using. I have trust issues, day one. It's plain to read for the next guy, you're not special, it doesn't take a genius and it's nothing that I need an earful about therapy for. The world still works with people who have trust issues and everyone makes due and guess what, we all have friendships that work in their own ways because we care and respect it. Or at least usually its a two way street. I would love to have it returned but a lot of the time it's not; clearly I've been treated like worthless trash recently and there's some..friendships I have that I give way more to than I think I get back. And maybe it's wearing me down and it's gonna collapse again soon. But I'll deal with it when it comes due.
But these are my ways of "expecting" and interpreting a friendship:
Am I expecting a daily upkeep?
Fuck no. I'm not obsessive. What I do expect is the interest though. Engagement. You're interested in trying to be friends? I kinda hope and expect to hear from you and be talked to here and there. Sure maybe a few times a week in the start if that's what we do, eager to talk and stuff, and maybe we'll slow a bit after that as we burn out the introductions and move into a casual on and off thing as it continues; but I'm not expecting your god damn hourly time slot every day. Dude even I want time, I'm an introvert. There might be someone here and there I end up just..clicking on and you might get me more than not but what I expect is us to share communication efforts and not leave it up to me and never hear from you for weeks to months. Yes, friends can do that; but that's friends. We aren't friends, we're trying to know each other, as a lot of you like to remind me as if I'm demanding your attention in mate-tier time (and personally, fuck off on that sentiment, really. You who do that, aren't listening). So you can't have it both ways; either we're friends and can fuck off on whim (but you don't wanna say we're friends), or we're not and we honestly need to be able to have conversations occasionally. Nothing major, though it would be cool if we could actually connect on stuff eventually, I mean, friends do that and if that's what we're going for, it wouldn't hurt to happen. We're furries but we're still humans too.
Am I expecting emotional support?
Dude, again, no. Not in the way you keep thinking. Friends (when friends are a thing) do support each other though. Am I going to drop my world on you? God, no. Maybe you'll try to ask, but I generally try to hold back still. I don't like relying on people for everything. I have trust issues above all and as recent events are further proving, giving someone my trust in such a thing ends up being a mistake. I have my pits like anyone else, but sure I won't lie; I am definitely more sensitive and emotional than the next hundred people. I can't help it. But to me, it also means I will be there for you. I will understand and hurt with you. I don't give up and even if we fight repeatedly on something, I will fight harder to keep going on the friendship. People need to understand that about -> my personality type, INFJ. We're strong about our friendships and they mean a lot and unfortunately with my bleeding heart on my sleeve, its a bit more intense..
Speaking of intense..Am I trying to find some deeper thing?
As said in the first section; fuck right off. No. While I could easily say yes to this, because I am a person who does hold out and seek strong connections, I am not seeking that in every little god damn hello. I am simply..bearing myself open. I don't hide I guess. Why bother; I have nothing to hide. This is me, I want you to know this is who I am so I can find someone who wants that in a friend, or a best friend if it happens, or a close friend, or unlikely a mate (I don't see that happening, while I'm being honest here; between the times I've been cheated on, lied to, used and how jaded I am these days, I don't feel like I would be a good idea so I don't try. So I just enjoy close company, close friends, which is why people likely mistake me for being so passionate about my friendships; I lack a circle and I don't seek beyond it so it's all focused into friends). I simply just want to make connections and being honest about who I am and what I'm passionate about and how much I care about things, especially the friends I have, matter to me.
"You should join *such and such*"
No. I loathe groups, especially where I know one person and that's it. I have done it repeatedly just to be left alone and ignored. Sorry but I don't appreciate being dragged into a discord or a telegram group to be dropped into someone's friend group where I get overshadowed by people who ignore me because they A- don't know me so they don't care, B- it's got a bunch of popular kids spamming their art for attention which kills the chat, or C- a bunch of cliques ignoring each other and the outcasts while simultaneously obsessing over the popular kids in chat and kissing ass on each other. All it takes is one of them to decide they could care less about you cause you didn't care for their art or to suck up and half the server starts passive aggressively treating you like dirt because the cool kids are doing it; believe me I've dealt with it enough. I'm also not here to be 'helped' into a community that I have no connections in and be awkward about until I finally feel like I should just leave and do and no one notices. Plenty of times I've been chased out of chats I knew a decent amount of people and they never noticed. I am here to talk to you, the potential friend. Don't pawn me off, that's not you being interested in me and I will take it as such and just feel like a bother and stop talking.
Friendship loyalty (Added Jan '24)
Short blurb, but while it can be grey lines, when you have someone in your life that has absolutely devastated you in some form and you want to avoid them; loyalty from your friends is something that matters. Granted, prior friendships can make this tricky but if its a lacking/new/limited/etc one, compromises can be made too. But for others as for myself, I would give and expect, or at least hope to, have a loyalty to help avoid those people in your/my life. Sometimes that thing matters; sometimes its not just a drama thing, its beyond that and really hits hard, maybe even to a bit of PTSD, or extreme anxiety. A friend would understand and do what they can to, and even I don't expect the world of this request but it has its minimum request (in most cases, not seeing pictures usually, in rare cases, not getting pictures with certain people). It's something you just have to understand, or come to understand. Or don't and we part ways, because I need to be comfortable and trust my friends, and know they aren't going to be the bestie of someone whose fucking me over the rest of my life and causing panic attacks every time I'm forced to see them around. What I ask is rare and minor, but very important. No fence sitter crap, I don't like drama but I don't support people who support friendships with literal terrible people.
Mean what you say (Added March '24)
Might need to fill this in more later as I'm doing this mobile but shortly put; what you SAY matters. If you tell me something, if you put your word on something; I will HOLD you to your word. I am dead tired of the years and years of friends and people who have told me they would stick around or get art with me just to never do it or completely flat out lie/break their word. I'd rather not have you tell me you're gonna be there, or that you want art unless you damn well intend to do it. Especially not say it's the "next thing on your list" when it clearly isn't or you think you can do something else and it won't matter to me; because IT WILL. Words and actions matter. What happens in the world when what you tell someone doesn't matter anymore? Your oaths to your future partner won't even mean shit at that point if you can't keep a simple but meaningful promise as planning art or sticking with your friend through a rough spot.
You might think this is all A LOT to go over and "obsess" about but as I've mentioned before; I've been approached and promptly ignored a lot by people "interested" in supposed friendship many, many times, and some who don't think they owe anything to their side of the friendship. I've had people who have even straight up told me right after roleplays that they wouldn't disappear then promptly disappeared and continued to leave me unread and ignored in groups after telling me they know how it felt. I have had countless conversations go dead in the water from people who said they wanted to keep talking and I tried and tried and tried to engage and it went nowhere. The previous example I even tried once a month for half a year saying hello with no response. Some people only wanted to roleplay and that's not I'm here for, if anything only good friends enjoy that benefit.
I get that people have different availabilities, but as I said, I don't expect a daily thing or god, if you're that busy, tell me. Set a precedence and we'll be good. I can understand stuff if you're direct with me. But I won't tolerate or understand being ignored while you are clearly active online with other people, and treating other friends nicer while I struggle to get a conversation or build something with you. Because I want to, but if you don't seem like it, I'm gonna be hurt, and I'm gonna express it one way or another until we're done and over, or I'll just disappear if we're barely anything.
That's that, guys. Hopefully it didn't hurt too bad to read and maybe you understand what I really seek outta a friendship now. Just respect it.
And now I sit in silence
Posted 2 years agoSorry to people who continue to see these journals. But they are..just ways to get stuff out. Obvious if you have been keeping up I went through something the last week and just need time.
I am still having episodes where I just..break down and cry. But since I have to work again, I've been just a bundle of anxiety all through work, focusing until I get home where I just get inside and sit down and it just..happens. Happens until I'm done. Then eat what little I can and find something to occupy my mind until I sleep what little I do.
Thank you to the few who have reached out here and on telegram. I am terrible at talking to new faces, but it means a lot to know there's people out there that understand and have a heart about people going through a struggle, no matter what it may be. If you stick around, and if I do at that, maybe you'll see a small smile on a small blue dragon again, once they return from the back of the cave.
No, I never wanted to make you 'public enemy number one'. And while I may have said you 'could care less', I didn't say you didn't. Or at least I never thought you could ever prove me right.
Going over our last few..conversations, as one could call them, I still feel so conflicted. What you said, and what you did, are night and day. Though your threat to do it finally reared its head, you tried to pass it off as your show that you weren't going to disappear.
But you did. But you did. But you did
You not only..triggered my worst fears and made sure that more turbulence would occur, but then tried to use it as a subtle "but not really" gesture like a hand raising to hit to watch me flinch and submit when I already was trying to ask you to see me, to hear me.
You asked me to call you out on things in one of our last conversations and that's what I did. Over an issue that's been ongoing for so long with no change other than a constant excuse that you forget and forget. And all I've ever done about it is say I'm hurt. That's it. I'm hurt. You are not treating some things, just a few things I am trying to share with you, as right as you should or could; too often. And yeah, we we're taking time to repair the previous past…but it had been months now. And atop that, now I was being essentially hurt by a lie because of something I had been accepting, because it had been turned down for the entire time we had known each other, then told maybe after checking it out with me, was done with someone else. Meanwhile I spend money on games, including a 60 dollar game I have no one to play with but you, because it was the idea..
No, it wasn't that big of a thing. But the build of it, and the number of times things are forgotten in reference to me? That's what really did the hurt. And maybe I did not say it as clearly as I could here and now and I do wish I could have and maybe it could have changed things…but maybe now I know who you are if you are so willing to do this to me after the countless times you told me to talk to you. That you weren't avoiding things, that you felt better talking about it, that I could be worry free around you and you would help nip any problem behavior I might do. That you rather *talking than silent and boil over* and feel better through the dialog.
It's ironic..
Talking about my payrise you told me to 'fight for what is owed' and I tried. And this is why I was always afraid to speak up to people about how I felt, and why it was so hard for you to get me to talk. Because every time, I knew this crept closer, and closer. But you kept assuring me that you would talk everytime as long as I did and so I started learning to direct to you instead of here where you could spy on how I felt that day when I refused to open up even though I knew you cared but I was too afraid to say a thing.
Despite everything I said when I was upset, the fact I would say it to you was the truth that I trusted you, and knew you cared at the root still. I just hurt from what you did at the time and thought you would have cared to hear it. That's what you seemed to tell me all the time anyway..I just got tired of being hurt somehow by someone who cared that always forgot what they told me they were gonna do with me..
And now, its both sides of that coin, because you've gone and forgotten what you weren't going to do and "silence my thoughts and emotions because you don’t know what to do with them" because I said something "you might not want to hear." You've left when you said you wouldn't after telling me speak up when I have been so afraid to say how I feel about things with so many people. "You can't hesitate when things weigh harder on you then others. Gotta speak up no matter the outcome." That's what you said. And I did. And I regret it..
"And just try it, all I ask. I can respond and work better with you if you're just yourself. Not hiding behind fancy or tailored words, lash out, be sad, be horny. I'm very much the simple and oblivious if it's not in my face and if I have to sift through meanings and suggestions I'm likely to respond poorly or miss the mark entirely.
But of course I don't expect you to just up and be different for my sake. And I'll do my part to be more expressive so you know where I'm at" - your words.
And you're never honestly sorry. You've been sorry for how I felt, but never for what you said or did. It's always been a projected sorry, not a sorry you own up to. That's honestly another buried thing I always carried but didn't put out there. I just dealt with it because..well, its one of the ways I rolled over for you. It was just how you were and it never really bothered me most the time until I really started to hurt and you just kept burying deeper. And now I get to give this to a wall as a parting message as I try to let go and "live and learn" in this discussion as you said, but without your side now..
I guess that's all I have..
All that's left is music.
And like the songbird dragon I am, I will wander off, singing until nothing but tears and scars are left.
Levy
I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire, exhale desire
I know it's dire, my time today
I have these thoughts so often, I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it, my pride is no longer inside
It's on my sleeve, my skin will scream
Reminding me of who I killed inside my dream
I hate this car that I'm driving, there's no hiding for me
I'm forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real
I could pull the steering wheel
I have these thoughts so often, I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
I ponder of something terrifying
'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind
I find over the course of our human existence
One thing consists of consistence
And it's that we're all battling fear
Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here
Oh my, too deep, please stop thinking
I liked it better when my car had sound
There are things we can do
But from the things that work there are only two
And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win and fear will lose
And there's faith and there's sleep
We need to pick one please because
Faith is to be awake and to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive
And I will try with every rhyme
To come across like I am dying
To let you know you need to try to think
I have these thoughts so often, I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
Whoa, oh-whoa-oh (x10)
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit
I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire, exhale desire
I know it's dire, my time today
I have these thoughts so often, I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
I am still having episodes where I just..break down and cry. But since I have to work again, I've been just a bundle of anxiety all through work, focusing until I get home where I just get inside and sit down and it just..happens. Happens until I'm done. Then eat what little I can and find something to occupy my mind until I sleep what little I do.
Thank you to the few who have reached out here and on telegram. I am terrible at talking to new faces, but it means a lot to know there's people out there that understand and have a heart about people going through a struggle, no matter what it may be. If you stick around, and if I do at that, maybe you'll see a small smile on a small blue dragon again, once they return from the back of the cave.
No, I never wanted to make you 'public enemy number one'. And while I may have said you 'could care less', I didn't say you didn't. Or at least I never thought you could ever prove me right.
Going over our last few..conversations, as one could call them, I still feel so conflicted. What you said, and what you did, are night and day. Though your threat to do it finally reared its head, you tried to pass it off as your show that you weren't going to disappear.
But you did. But you did. But you did
You not only..triggered my worst fears and made sure that more turbulence would occur, but then tried to use it as a subtle "but not really" gesture like a hand raising to hit to watch me flinch and submit when I already was trying to ask you to see me, to hear me.
You asked me to call you out on things in one of our last conversations and that's what I did. Over an issue that's been ongoing for so long with no change other than a constant excuse that you forget and forget. And all I've ever done about it is say I'm hurt. That's it. I'm hurt. You are not treating some things, just a few things I am trying to share with you, as right as you should or could; too often. And yeah, we we're taking time to repair the previous past…but it had been months now. And atop that, now I was being essentially hurt by a lie because of something I had been accepting, because it had been turned down for the entire time we had known each other, then told maybe after checking it out with me, was done with someone else. Meanwhile I spend money on games, including a 60 dollar game I have no one to play with but you, because it was the idea..
No, it wasn't that big of a thing. But the build of it, and the number of times things are forgotten in reference to me? That's what really did the hurt. And maybe I did not say it as clearly as I could here and now and I do wish I could have and maybe it could have changed things…but maybe now I know who you are if you are so willing to do this to me after the countless times you told me to talk to you. That you weren't avoiding things, that you felt better talking about it, that I could be worry free around you and you would help nip any problem behavior I might do. That you rather *talking than silent and boil over* and feel better through the dialog.
It's ironic..
Talking about my payrise you told me to 'fight for what is owed' and I tried. And this is why I was always afraid to speak up to people about how I felt, and why it was so hard for you to get me to talk. Because every time, I knew this crept closer, and closer. But you kept assuring me that you would talk everytime as long as I did and so I started learning to direct to you instead of here where you could spy on how I felt that day when I refused to open up even though I knew you cared but I was too afraid to say a thing.
Despite everything I said when I was upset, the fact I would say it to you was the truth that I trusted you, and knew you cared at the root still. I just hurt from what you did at the time and thought you would have cared to hear it. That's what you seemed to tell me all the time anyway..I just got tired of being hurt somehow by someone who cared that always forgot what they told me they were gonna do with me..
And now, its both sides of that coin, because you've gone and forgotten what you weren't going to do and "silence my thoughts and emotions because you don’t know what to do with them" because I said something "you might not want to hear." You've left when you said you wouldn't after telling me speak up when I have been so afraid to say how I feel about things with so many people. "You can't hesitate when things weigh harder on you then others. Gotta speak up no matter the outcome." That's what you said. And I did. And I regret it..
"And just try it, all I ask. I can respond and work better with you if you're just yourself. Not hiding behind fancy or tailored words, lash out, be sad, be horny. I'm very much the simple and oblivious if it's not in my face and if I have to sift through meanings and suggestions I'm likely to respond poorly or miss the mark entirely.
But of course I don't expect you to just up and be different for my sake. And I'll do my part to be more expressive so you know where I'm at" - your words.
And you're never honestly sorry. You've been sorry for how I felt, but never for what you said or did. It's always been a projected sorry, not a sorry you own up to. That's honestly another buried thing I always carried but didn't put out there. I just dealt with it because..well, its one of the ways I rolled over for you. It was just how you were and it never really bothered me most the time until I really started to hurt and you just kept burying deeper. And now I get to give this to a wall as a parting message as I try to let go and "live and learn" in this discussion as you said, but without your side now..
I guess that's all I have..
All that's left is music.
And like the songbird dragon I am, I will wander off, singing until nothing but tears and scars are left.
Levy
I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire, exhale desire
I know it's dire, my time today
I have these thoughts so often, I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it, my pride is no longer inside
It's on my sleeve, my skin will scream
Reminding me of who I killed inside my dream
I hate this car that I'm driving, there's no hiding for me
I'm forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real
I could pull the steering wheel
I have these thoughts so often, I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
I ponder of something terrifying
'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind
I find over the course of our human existence
One thing consists of consistence
And it's that we're all battling fear
Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here
Oh my, too deep, please stop thinking
I liked it better when my car had sound
There are things we can do
But from the things that work there are only two
And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win and fear will lose
And there's faith and there's sleep
We need to pick one please because
Faith is to be awake and to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive
And I will try with every rhyme
To come across like I am dying
To let you know you need to try to think
I have these thoughts so often, I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
Whoa, oh-whoa-oh (x10)
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit
I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire, exhale desire
I know it's dire, my time today
I have these thoughts so often, I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
Attempting to..."Recover"
Posted 2 years agoEvery day this week has been...waking up to stay in bed and cry because I'm terrified to move, terrified of what I might do as the feeling from the night before comes back. And each night ends with crying again as I run out of things to focus on and have to start drifting towards bed but I am terrified of sleep, and still lost about happened. I haven't been able to go to work, I think they've been using my PTO but I don't have a lot of those left. But I can't function.
I don't understand; I don't understand how someone could be this heartless? How one topic could cause such a reaction? How such a reaction is even warranted after *everything* he told me that made me believe it was okay to speak up when I had hurt feelings to someone that despite the things I said..I had so much trust in because they would still talk. Even when I struggled to. That was why I was learning to open up to them like they asked, after everything I've been through, all the broken trust and promises from others and what he knew I had come off of from my ex which is what inspired our first art and my trust in him.
I feel betrayed by someone I felt protected by..
so what was the difference if I was dead or not I thought. The one thing that mattered, that he knew mattered and still decided to abuse like this, was wrecked upon. By a thoughtless action. So I had my own thoughtless action, though it felt thought out as they all do. I don't have a lot of people to talk to, hardly anyone I can consider a friend, especially a close friend. That's why my art gallery has basically no one else in it. No one's been around to be close besides Dervak whose also my roommate and the reason I was stopped and cleaned up the mess. People..no, furries, just seem so..repulsed by emotions. It's disheartening. We all have that side of us, but everyone's so disconnected by these screens and meaningless porn art pieces that the moment someone tries to build a connection with you like you would with a friend in real life over time, you get the weirdest reactions. It's like trying to offer someone random on the street free food, they all kinda cringe away and look at you like you're offering a child candy from a van. What happened to getting to know someone with kind gestures? By *getting to know them* before deciding based on the hole you found them in?
I'm tangenting..
It's hard for me to trust just the same, though. But I've never not let someone try. And sometimes someone's happened to just..step through unlike the others. I don't know if its timing, or something about them, or sometimes both. But they suddenly find themselves inside my defenses and I have no other choice but to take them in and love them, in a platonic way mind you. My empathy is so unbound I..can't help it. And they can do what they want, like he did..
He made me twist around, act different for him. Sure, sometimes it was for the better, I know even I have my traits that aren't good. And I wanted to be better for him..he meant that much. But he also manipulated me, even if he didn't see it himself. Maybe from his own past it was a trait, I don't know. But was unreasonable, was how much I was expected to listen to him and accept what he said, while he rarely truly heard what I was saying and accepted it. Which lead to this..
This action of his to suddenly not respond. For days.
And still.
For the first couple days I waited thinking he was processing, probably upset..but I trusted he would respond. He *always told me to* and he said *he always would.*
Then the next few I went into denial; maybe something came up again. Something about his family, or his mate. *I can wait*. I can show I can wait, I am better than the past.
But then I saw it all. The updates to his FA, things he's said to others, how often he's been online. And it sank in. And I just started breaking down. And each thing he did to just hurt me further because he knows I saw it while he still *watches my account even now*..I can't see how its anything but destructive, manipulative and heartless. Against everything he's told me that I said in my previous journals, of which he used to monitor me, once caring now manipulative. *Everything, broken.*
Needless to say after this point..I fell apart. I didn't understand how trying to express how I felt about something could warrant someone turning so cold, turning on their word so hard they become someone so different than everything they claim to stand for. The arrogance of what they call themself on FA..
And still. I tried to reach out because..I am pathetic. Because I am a little blue thing and that's all I'll ever be. And it's done nothing but sat unread. Ignored while I know he's around. Each moment of each day hurt as much as the last because I can imagine how the thought runs through a person's mind that they smile knowing they're causing grief as they enjoy themselves cause nothing has changed for them..other than for having used someone for art and lied to them. And abandoned them without a word.
And it hurts every day because I cannot stop it. My mind does not let it end. I wake up to the cycle starting back up and if I can move from bed after stopping the tears, I move through the ether until the sun is gone and I am in that void before sleep again where I cry, afraid of the dark and what I might endure inside of me after enduring the waking nightmare all day. There is just pain awake and asleep now. And the trust I found again just shattered lies. But I can't find the pieces this time.
I am so sorry, my little blue. I think you are really lost this time.
-Rysk
Just a scar somewhere down inside of me
Something I can not repair
Even though it will always be
I pretend it isn't there (this is how I feel)
I'm trapped in yesterday (just a memory)
Where the pain is all I know (this is all I know)
And I'll never break away (can't break free)
'Cause when I'm alone
I'm lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion
But I'm tired, I will always be afraid
Of the damage I've received
Broken promises they made
And how blindly I believed (this is all I know)
And I'll never break away (can't break free)
'Cause when I'm alone
I'm lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion
I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
(I'm lost) I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
(I'm lost) I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
I'm lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion
I don't understand; I don't understand how someone could be this heartless? How one topic could cause such a reaction? How such a reaction is even warranted after *everything* he told me that made me believe it was okay to speak up when I had hurt feelings to someone that despite the things I said..I had so much trust in because they would still talk. Even when I struggled to. That was why I was learning to open up to them like they asked, after everything I've been through, all the broken trust and promises from others and what he knew I had come off of from my ex which is what inspired our first art and my trust in him.
I feel betrayed by someone I felt protected by..
so what was the difference if I was dead or not I thought. The one thing that mattered, that he knew mattered and still decided to abuse like this, was wrecked upon. By a thoughtless action. So I had my own thoughtless action, though it felt thought out as they all do. I don't have a lot of people to talk to, hardly anyone I can consider a friend, especially a close friend. That's why my art gallery has basically no one else in it. No one's been around to be close besides Dervak whose also my roommate and the reason I was stopped and cleaned up the mess. People..no, furries, just seem so..repulsed by emotions. It's disheartening. We all have that side of us, but everyone's so disconnected by these screens and meaningless porn art pieces that the moment someone tries to build a connection with you like you would with a friend in real life over time, you get the weirdest reactions. It's like trying to offer someone random on the street free food, they all kinda cringe away and look at you like you're offering a child candy from a van. What happened to getting to know someone with kind gestures? By *getting to know them* before deciding based on the hole you found them in?
I'm tangenting..
It's hard for me to trust just the same, though. But I've never not let someone try. And sometimes someone's happened to just..step through unlike the others. I don't know if its timing, or something about them, or sometimes both. But they suddenly find themselves inside my defenses and I have no other choice but to take them in and love them, in a platonic way mind you. My empathy is so unbound I..can't help it. And they can do what they want, like he did..
He made me twist around, act different for him. Sure, sometimes it was for the better, I know even I have my traits that aren't good. And I wanted to be better for him..he meant that much. But he also manipulated me, even if he didn't see it himself. Maybe from his own past it was a trait, I don't know. But was unreasonable, was how much I was expected to listen to him and accept what he said, while he rarely truly heard what I was saying and accepted it. Which lead to this..
This action of his to suddenly not respond. For days.
And still.
For the first couple days I waited thinking he was processing, probably upset..but I trusted he would respond. He *always told me to* and he said *he always would.*
Then the next few I went into denial; maybe something came up again. Something about his family, or his mate. *I can wait*. I can show I can wait, I am better than the past.
But then I saw it all. The updates to his FA, things he's said to others, how often he's been online. And it sank in. And I just started breaking down. And each thing he did to just hurt me further because he knows I saw it while he still *watches my account even now*..I can't see how its anything but destructive, manipulative and heartless. Against everything he's told me that I said in my previous journals, of which he used to monitor me, once caring now manipulative. *Everything, broken.*
Needless to say after this point..I fell apart. I didn't understand how trying to express how I felt about something could warrant someone turning so cold, turning on their word so hard they become someone so different than everything they claim to stand for. The arrogance of what they call themself on FA..
And still. I tried to reach out because..I am pathetic. Because I am a little blue thing and that's all I'll ever be. And it's done nothing but sat unread. Ignored while I know he's around. Each moment of each day hurt as much as the last because I can imagine how the thought runs through a person's mind that they smile knowing they're causing grief as they enjoy themselves cause nothing has changed for them..other than for having used someone for art and lied to them. And abandoned them without a word.
And it hurts every day because I cannot stop it. My mind does not let it end. I wake up to the cycle starting back up and if I can move from bed after stopping the tears, I move through the ether until the sun is gone and I am in that void before sleep again where I cry, afraid of the dark and what I might endure inside of me after enduring the waking nightmare all day. There is just pain awake and asleep now. And the trust I found again just shattered lies. But I can't find the pieces this time.
I am so sorry, my little blue. I think you are really lost this time.
-Rysk
Just a scar somewhere down inside of me
Something I can not repair
Even though it will always be
I pretend it isn't there (this is how I feel)
I'm trapped in yesterday (just a memory)
Where the pain is all I know (this is all I know)
And I'll never break away (can't break free)
'Cause when I'm alone
I'm lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion
But I'm tired, I will always be afraid
Of the damage I've received
Broken promises they made
And how blindly I believed (this is all I know)
And I'll never break away (can't break free)
'Cause when I'm alone
I'm lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion
I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
(I'm lost) I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
(I'm lost) I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
I'm lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion
Nothing Good
Posted 2 years ago[PERM] List of Artists (Rec or don't)
Posted 2 years agoList for myself, and anyone looking for great artists. To be updated on occasion, and in no particular order:
Names________Examples
kur0i - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24786390
raxrie - done
Silverbirch - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/25296762/
latex - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24880337/
howlart - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/25160111/
*dsw7 - done, want more
rotarr - done
qwertydragon - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/20491793/
furikake - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24912206/
schiaraa - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/13058365/
Neotheta - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24333015/
rollwulf - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/25368334/
ValeriaAkiramenai - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/23804566/
Future commissions, like, when I have a home and salary
HanMonster - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/13631620/
Deriaz - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/23607183/
rhos - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24001596/
anthonyavon - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24339212/
AlectorFencer - holy shit no references needed
Korichi - got some!
Pannekoeke - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/25120874/
vader-san - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/17346279/
patto - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24357770/
Royz - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24602251/
sixthleafclover - again, no reference needed
Setheus - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/6682010/
thea- - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/21870141/
thesecretcave - no ref needed
motherfucking TWILIGHTSAINT
YoshiThePanther - amazing, book like illustrations https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24878854/
AcidaPluvia - No ref needed
Dragonnis - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/13395847/
RenePolumorfous - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24697184/
Can't believe I had to add this section but..
Not recommended
Anora_Drakon
For ychs; different detail between comm and ych. Examples provided in ych sale higher quality than end product. Inquiry about this only gave "lighting" reasonings but clear tier work difference between works made at the same time and paid higher costs than solo comm starting costs
leilryu
Follow up for months to enter queue and told to keep coming back after basically finalizing what work was going to be done. Gave up after half a year of being trailed along with barely no communication besides for "try again" while obviously taking the type of work I was offering from preferred users/favoritism
Names________Examples
kur0i - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24786390
Silverbirch - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/25296762/
latex - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24880337/
howlart - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/25160111/
qwertydragon - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/20491793/
furikake - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24912206/
schiaraa - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/13058365/
Neotheta - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24333015/
rollwulf - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/25368334/
ValeriaAkiramenai - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/23804566/
Future commissions, like, when I have a home and salary
HanMonster - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/13631620/
Deriaz - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/23607183/
rhos - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24001596/
anthonyavon - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24339212/
AlectorFencer - holy shit no references needed
Pannekoeke - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/25120874/
vader-san - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/17346279/
patto - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24357770/
Royz - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24602251/
sixthleafclover - again, no reference needed
Setheus - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/6682010/
thea- - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/21870141/
thesecretcave - no ref needed
motherfucking TWILIGHTSAINT
YoshiThePanther - amazing, book like illustrations https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24878854/
AcidaPluvia - No ref needed
Dragonnis - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/13395847/
RenePolumorfous - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/24697184/
Can't believe I had to add this section but..
Not recommended
Anora_Drakon
For ychs; different detail between comm and ych. Examples provided in ych sale higher quality than end product. Inquiry about this only gave "lighting" reasonings but clear tier work difference between works made at the same time and paid higher costs than solo comm starting costs
leilryu
Follow up for months to enter queue and told to keep coming back after basically finalizing what work was going to be done. Gave up after half a year of being trailed along with barely no communication besides for "try again" while obviously taking the type of work I was offering from preferred users/favoritism
[PERM] Commission Ideas + Statuses
Posted 2 years agoWaiting on current art:
Red: Beyond due | Yellow: Delayed/approaching beyond time frame | Green: In process/On time
LumixDragonFey
Ref sheet (paid 12/16/22) [RENDERING 8/1/23] - Last contact 1/11/24 - Think this is a lost cause sadly...
Edit horns, ears, see what rendering does for scaling pattern, add text details. Iridescence panel?, cut scarring
VeraMundis
Levy icon portrait (paid 4/11/23)
ERA-7
YCH (paid ??/24)
HentuFappu
Breeding night (paid)
RuthZoe
YCH (paid)
Shurya
Affection (paid 4/13/25)
Want to Comm:
Conter [sketch in file]
Shiaz (damn them balls/cum) [Sketch in file]
ZweikopfEinhorn (something!)
Maoshan (Lineart work)
Raxrie (scenic!)
SymreaART (Stitch sona, more stickers)
ZyriaTheDragon (something sexy sweet!)
NeverNeverLand (duo pic would be cool)
Inno-sjoa (again, do-over for history)
recently watched
Size diff, vaginal gaping, excessive cum, moderate cum inflation, marking (both kinds), biting (including blood), feral on anthro, c/b worship (big top tier), oral (paired with throat bulging), scent musk (not the BO kind), belly riding/cocksleeving, rough sex, non-con, somnophilia, bondage/leash and collar, kissing, multiple orgasms, impregnation/heat, Ovipos, knotting/knot fucking (of course), studding/breeding (use for a filling/relief/impreg), public play.
Maybe more as I think of them.
Solar Eclipse/Fertility Offering in the woods [Feral/Anthro, Size Diff, Excessive Cum]
Three way scenes (Levy usually in the middle, definitely a weak spot for these)
Sprawled poses (some with lingerie clothing, some in pet-like scenes/positions)
More self-service stuff (male/femme stuff, really show a mess/detailed goods)
Maybe a leather/rubber body suit bondage piece, geared up, alts of caged/showing and dripping
Ankles crossed and held up while getting railed
Egyptian themed stuff
public play (either in the open, or hiding it behind something or under something like this piece
Rubber suit stuff (feral), maybe included with horse-play leading
Wall-mounted toy, double sided or rear
The End of Heartache - Killswitch Engage
Extreme, vivid detailed work required. Close up of feral falling through the sky, background/landscape out of focus. Minor tears cascading from lidded eyes, emotive face, paws holding chest, wings partially folded from falling. Streaming gold and blood from under/between claws that breaks into particles around, reflective.
Under The Deep Blue Sea - Missio
Levy (Eitir) curled up under water (in a bubble? Takes up most of image), staring up at viewer; sunlight rays, dark, alluring look.
The Curse - Magic Sword (Toxic Avenger Remix)
Draken corruption OR Shadow/Levy envelopement idea
Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
Mystical, inspirational piece. Pieces from lyrics mashed into the art.
Dancing Queen - ABBA
Levy, anthro, dancing somewhere, just that; vibing~
Lost - Linkin Park
Had an idea, need to remember it
Enemy - Imagine Dragons (timestamped link)
Levy, Copy of painted wall scene from music video, emotional scene.
I Want To Know What Love Is - Foreigner
(Twisted interpretation) Aaron behind Levy, hand over gem, gripping (blood?). Growl face, levy with turned face, sad. Both with a tear running down. Aaron wings out to make encasing beauty.
Now Or Never Now - Metric
Levy, Cliff edge, wind blowing hair. Arms up to chest, tears. Chest or arms bleeding? Ambiguous. Wings behind out stretched partially, hanging. Mountains and forest in distance and below, sunrise/set. Feelings of sad but strength.
Counting Stars - OneRepublic
Levy, Bursting up from waters, viewer at level of water (maybe seeing partially under, or just over). Wings spread, water throwing out. Bright, sunny, birth of joy feel.
Follow Me - Muse
V-point of cliff, viewed from back, landscape in distance. Levy collapsed at end followed by trail of blood (attack wounds?). Just off cliff, Draken rises in air, wings full out, intimidating. Protective look as he has own scar bleeding, coming to defend the much smaller dragon, looking at viewer direction (straight ahead).
Pressure - Muse
Levy taking off with speed from a cliff, broken chains falling off. Intense speed implied, close to viewer with cliff and ground far below and somewhat blurry. Angst, grimance, cry out look on face; emotive cry for freedom.
Spill - Foo Fighters
bleeding into river idea, see personal notes
I Want to Break Free - Queen
Anthro Levy, pulling and breaking gold collar from harem outfit off. Scales from it scattering everywhere in air, some tears in eyes probably. Revealing original collar underneath.
Umbrella - Ember Island & The White Panda
Levy, with shining chest gem, reaching out from under umbrella towards viewer, smiling through sunshine rain. Eyes aglow, handle held close to self, non-toothy bright smile. Scenery probably walking down a road or forest path?
I wanna know - HuBee
Based on art cover, levy in place of person, gems red instead. Alt maybe reaching out, emotional face front.
Royalty - Egzod
Coup like scene; Levy in throne seat, dead 'king' before hir, stabbed through heart. Words on wall behind, maybe in ruins that say 'king of justice' with justice scratched out in blood replaced with 'lies'. Broken golden collar strewn across floor as well. Stern look, dead eyes, wiping blood from face.
The VNV Nation collection
Electric Sun album, Gratitude, Nova, Collide, and other various tracks.
As a songbird type of dragon, most art moving forward will be paired with music when possible and VNV Nation fills me with that depth and feeling that I wish I could express and get out in art. So I will get it done where I can through commissions.
In The Temple
Overgrown temple ruins, lushous green, rich looks. Levy or Draken? nestled in altar cove, head raised looking at viewer coming in from entry, surrounded by stained glass. Light rays with dust coming in from sides with broken walls and through stain glass.
Illusion
Saddened, broken Levy surrounded by a wall with platitudes of comfort and promises scribbled upon it, indicating things never kept. The hurt trying to change them as they hold a damaged gem from their chest with crest-fallen wings hanging to the sides to somewhat shield themself from the wall behind them as they croon over the heart.
Immersed
Scene cliff notes: shattered mirror/glass, showing different emotions based on the chorus. Character: Levy
Further details: Chest/upper body and upwards reflected in a shattered standing mirror surrounded in darkness/ether with the center piece missing but seen in the paw at the bottom of the image close to POV reflecting glowing gem on chest with it's own cracking. Each separate section in the mirror reflecting a different emotion (rage, grief/sadness, withdrawn/darklook (this may even be a different persona altogether, can discuss, enjoy artists' opinions, and other emotions, etc). Blood to be partially covered around paw/glass piece. Maybe have claw marks on woodworking/glass edging of mirror? More ideas to discuss.
Resolution
Levy, Mountaintop roar to the star-lighting sky, distances behind and beyond; detailed artist required
Where There Is Light
Levy, Gliding over a still lake, mountains/forest in background; bright light in distance/overhead. Freeing feel.
Chrome
Levy, "I'm Okay" - Upper torso shot, head raised with a thick chrome mask that covers down around upper jaw around entire head. Eyes closed, tears streaming from undermask. Masking the emotional pain, "a million faces, a million lies, they'll never say they feel what you feel."
At Horizon's End
magic summon rune stone circle. Levy lifted up in center, arched back and reaching towards massive black hole that's tearing up and sucking in everything around the altar. Levy crying almost pained, ruby in chest shining, maybe just starting to shatter and lift up towards void (black hole? based on universe inside gem)
Stickers:
Im in danger, # days since having emotions, pillow pile (ych cuddles, hidden lewd ych, lewd ontop of, general lounge), breeding mount (reversals), pet me, receiving/giving bj closeup, slamfuck/cum, headphone listening
Might go with a song, comic panels:
Eye of the storm comic commission idea. Levy at the heart breaking down. Someone having a choice to go around and avoid, or go through. Ignore the idea that its trouble all around and just a storm to sit through until you get through and reach the calm eye and hold Levy at which point it suddenly ends the whole storm.
Fake You Out - Twenty One Pilots (AMV one day)
Levy, Fly from cliff upward, cuts and bleeding appearing on them as they get higher. drop down in freefall attempting to not stop; fake out the shadow chasing Levy telling lies and clinging to them, causing the pain, letting go last second. Ends with Levy curled up on original cliff, crying/bleeding?
Follow Me - Muse (AMV)
Levy collapsing in the temple ruins honoring a golden dragon, looking attacked and bleeding, scared. In dying moment, spirit of the golden dragon forms to support and care for them, singing to the lyrics. During the song, to the lyrics. Magically shuts doors from intruders, candles light. As Levy dies, the gem in them breaks..Shows a devastation and tears on the spirits face as it becomes physical and the crystal reforms in its tail becoming the full form of Draken. Stands to face to doors as the shrine behind is shown to have suddenly changed to a statue of Levy, stain glass replaced images too.
Red: Beyond due | Yellow: Delayed/approaching beyond time frame | Green: In process/On time
LumixDragonFey
Ref sheet (paid 12/16/22) [RENDERING 8/1/23] - Last contact 1/11/24 - Think this is a lost cause sadly...
Edit horns, ears, see what rendering does for scaling pattern, add text details. Iridescence panel?, cut scarring
VeraMundis
Levy icon portrait (paid 4/11/23)
ERA-7
YCH (paid ??/24)
HentuFappu
Breeding night (paid)
RuthZoe
YCH (paid)
Shurya
Affection (paid 4/13/25)
Want to Comm:
Conter [sketch in file]
Shiaz (damn them balls/cum) [Sketch in file]
ZweikopfEinhorn (something!)
Maoshan (Lineart work)
Raxrie (scenic!)
SymreaART (Stitch sona, more stickers)
ZyriaTheDragon (something sexy sweet!)
NeverNeverLand (duo pic would be cool)
Inno-sjoa (again, do-over for history)
recently watched
Interested Kinks:Size diff, vaginal gaping, excessive cum, moderate cum inflation, marking (both kinds), biting (including blood), feral on anthro, c/b worship (big top tier), oral (paired with throat bulging), scent musk (not the BO kind), belly riding/cocksleeving, rough sex, non-con, somnophilia, bondage/leash and collar, kissing, multiple orgasms, impregnation/heat, Ovipos, knotting/knot fucking (of course), studding/breeding (use for a filling/relief/impreg), public play.
Maybe more as I think of them.
Basic Ideas:Solar Eclipse/Fertility Offering in the woods [Feral/Anthro, Size Diff, Excessive Cum]
Three way scenes (Levy usually in the middle, definitely a weak spot for these)
Sprawled poses (some with lingerie clothing, some in pet-like scenes/positions)
More self-service stuff (male/femme stuff, really show a mess/detailed goods)
Maybe a leather/rubber body suit bondage piece, geared up, alts of caged/showing and dripping
Ankles crossed and held up while getting railed
Egyptian themed stuff
public play (either in the open, or hiding it behind something or under something like this piece
Rubber suit stuff (feral), maybe included with horse-play leading
Wall-mounted toy, double sided or rear
Music Theme Comm Ideas:
Character Refs: Levy | Draken | Aaron/Shadow | ChesterThe End of Heartache - Killswitch Engage
Extreme, vivid detailed work required. Close up of feral falling through the sky, background/landscape out of focus. Minor tears cascading from lidded eyes, emotive face, paws holding chest, wings partially folded from falling. Streaming gold and blood from under/between claws that breaks into particles around, reflective.
Under The Deep Blue Sea - Missio
Levy (Eitir) curled up under water (in a bubble? Takes up most of image), staring up at viewer; sunlight rays, dark, alluring look.
The Curse - Magic Sword (Toxic Avenger Remix)
Draken corruption OR Shadow/Levy envelopement idea
Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
Mystical, inspirational piece. Pieces from lyrics mashed into the art.
Dancing Queen - ABBA
Levy, anthro, dancing somewhere, just that; vibing~
Lost - Linkin Park
Had an idea, need to remember it
Enemy - Imagine Dragons (timestamped link)
Levy, Copy of painted wall scene from music video, emotional scene.
I Want To Know What Love Is - Foreigner
(Twisted interpretation) Aaron behind Levy, hand over gem, gripping (blood?). Growl face, levy with turned face, sad. Both with a tear running down. Aaron wings out to make encasing beauty.
Now Or Never Now - Metric
Levy, Cliff edge, wind blowing hair. Arms up to chest, tears. Chest or arms bleeding? Ambiguous. Wings behind out stretched partially, hanging. Mountains and forest in distance and below, sunrise/set. Feelings of sad but strength.
Counting Stars - OneRepublic
Levy, Bursting up from waters, viewer at level of water (maybe seeing partially under, or just over). Wings spread, water throwing out. Bright, sunny, birth of joy feel.
Follow Me - Muse
V-point of cliff, viewed from back, landscape in distance. Levy collapsed at end followed by trail of blood (attack wounds?). Just off cliff, Draken rises in air, wings full out, intimidating. Protective look as he has own scar bleeding, coming to defend the much smaller dragon, looking at viewer direction (straight ahead).
Pressure - Muse
Levy taking off with speed from a cliff, broken chains falling off. Intense speed implied, close to viewer with cliff and ground far below and somewhat blurry. Angst, grimance, cry out look on face; emotive cry for freedom.
Spill - Foo Fighters
bleeding into river idea, see personal notes
I Want to Break Free - Queen
Anthro Levy, pulling and breaking gold collar from harem outfit off. Scales from it scattering everywhere in air, some tears in eyes probably. Revealing original collar underneath.
Umbrella - Ember Island & The White Panda
Levy, with shining chest gem, reaching out from under umbrella towards viewer, smiling through sunshine rain. Eyes aglow, handle held close to self, non-toothy bright smile. Scenery probably walking down a road or forest path?
I wanna know - HuBee
Based on art cover, levy in place of person, gems red instead. Alt maybe reaching out, emotional face front.
Royalty - Egzod
Coup like scene; Levy in throne seat, dead 'king' before hir, stabbed through heart. Words on wall behind, maybe in ruins that say 'king of justice' with justice scratched out in blood replaced with 'lies'. Broken golden collar strewn across floor as well. Stern look, dead eyes, wiping blood from face.
The VNV Nation collection
Electric Sun album, Gratitude, Nova, Collide, and other various tracks.
As a songbird type of dragon, most art moving forward will be paired with music when possible and VNV Nation fills me with that depth and feeling that I wish I could express and get out in art. So I will get it done where I can through commissions.
In The Temple
Overgrown temple ruins, lushous green, rich looks. Levy or Draken? nestled in altar cove, head raised looking at viewer coming in from entry, surrounded by stained glass. Light rays with dust coming in from sides with broken walls and through stain glass.
Illusion
Saddened, broken Levy surrounded by a wall with platitudes of comfort and promises scribbled upon it, indicating things never kept. The hurt trying to change them as they hold a damaged gem from their chest with crest-fallen wings hanging to the sides to somewhat shield themself from the wall behind them as they croon over the heart.
Immersed
Scene cliff notes: shattered mirror/glass, showing different emotions based on the chorus. Character: Levy
Further details: Chest/upper body and upwards reflected in a shattered standing mirror surrounded in darkness/ether with the center piece missing but seen in the paw at the bottom of the image close to POV reflecting glowing gem on chest with it's own cracking. Each separate section in the mirror reflecting a different emotion (rage, grief/sadness, withdrawn/darklook (this may even be a different persona altogether, can discuss, enjoy artists' opinions, and other emotions, etc). Blood to be partially covered around paw/glass piece. Maybe have claw marks on woodworking/glass edging of mirror? More ideas to discuss.
Resolution
Levy, Mountaintop roar to the star-lighting sky, distances behind and beyond; detailed artist required
Levy, Gliding over a still lake, mountains/forest in background; bright light in distance/overhead. Freeing feel.
Chrome
Levy, "I'm Okay" - Upper torso shot, head raised with a thick chrome mask that covers down around upper jaw around entire head. Eyes closed, tears streaming from undermask. Masking the emotional pain, "a million faces, a million lies, they'll never say they feel what you feel."
At Horizon's End
magic summon rune stone circle. Levy lifted up in center, arched back and reaching towards massive black hole that's tearing up and sucking in everything around the altar. Levy crying almost pained, ruby in chest shining, maybe just starting to shatter and lift up towards void (black hole? based on universe inside gem)
Other things, ignoreStickers:
Im in danger, # days since having emotions, pillow pile (ych cuddles, hidden lewd ych, lewd ontop of, general lounge), breeding mount (reversals), pet me, receiving/giving bj closeup, slamfuck/cum, headphone listening
Might go with a song, comic panels:
Eye of the storm comic commission idea. Levy at the heart breaking down. Someone having a choice to go around and avoid, or go through. Ignore the idea that its trouble all around and just a storm to sit through until you get through and reach the calm eye and hold Levy at which point it suddenly ends the whole storm.
Fake You Out - Twenty One Pilots (AMV one day)
Levy, Fly from cliff upward, cuts and bleeding appearing on them as they get higher. drop down in freefall attempting to not stop; fake out the shadow chasing Levy telling lies and clinging to them, causing the pain, letting go last second. Ends with Levy curled up on original cliff, crying/bleeding?
Follow Me - Muse (AMV)
Levy collapsing in the temple ruins honoring a golden dragon, looking attacked and bleeding, scared. In dying moment, spirit of the golden dragon forms to support and care for them, singing to the lyrics. During the song, to the lyrics. Magically shuts doors from intruders, candles light. As Levy dies, the gem in them breaks..Shows a devastation and tears on the spirits face as it becomes physical and the crystal reforms in its tail becoming the full form of Draken. Stands to face to doors as the shrine behind is shown to have suddenly changed to a statue of Levy, stain glass replaced images too.
[PERM] PROFILE
Posted 9 years agoDecided to de-clutter my profile and move the indepth bio here. Eventually (or never) I'll get around to giving this a proper fill.
Fursona Bio
Levant is a hybrid dragon in a few ways; identity, gender and type. From a special sub-type of genetics that borders on sci-fi theories in the sense that his/hir gender is any type at any given moment and is settled
when in company or based on mood. A more certain terminology would say he/shi is an enigma; an idea and nothing more but fully categorized as a being. He/shi varies from the water dragon genes with the
obvious gryphon trait by the feathered wings. Atop the bizarre characteristics, a red gem is found on the chest directly over the heart which acts as a secondary, magic-based heart, combined with a black mark that
labels the dragon hybrid as this enigma.
Levant is a fairly small, lithe and shy dragon, never straying far from it's favorite locations and home-cave dwelling due to the nature of itself and the conflicts this makes with most other social creatures (as you can
see, most commissions show it dwelling alone). Despite this fact, Levant is a company-yearning being and does not thrive well on its own which makes its life all the more complicated. To further complicate its life,
Levant is also of the breeder variety (not like all that porn of ferals and whathaveyou; much worse) and has a near constant state of need in which the gender shifting, when applicable, is useful for sating these
hormones with the given partner he/shi finds for the urging nature.
more to come eventually
Persona Bio
But seriously. I am a open person as well as open-hearted<3; I love to make new friends and chat if my social awkwardness doesn't cripple me. I am someone who believes in looking to the universe; As a recent
song I got says, "we are free to choose our destiny" and this is an idea I believe greatly in, though I struggle to keep myself in that positive light some days. I am a femme sort of person, despite being
comfortable as the male I am. I am genderfluid/agender with a gender identity that shifts to my/my partners needs and am basically bisexual/pansexual. Levant him/hirself is classified
as an enigma because of this so you'll see varying gender artwork. I am the sort of emotionally-driven person who enjoys having close friends, I am also a general audiophile, like, music ALL THE TIME. And if it
isn't obvious, blue is my favorite color.
Don't be afraid to chat me up at all <3 there's a ton of people I crush on (in an innocent manner) I never go up to so...please make the first step, I probably like you already. I really wish I could get involved in the
community more but its hard for me to make friends or feel included, especially to be forward with new people. So really. Don't be afraid to reach out to me <333 I'd like to say I'm interesting and could be someone
you'd like to chat with, but you'll have to decide that (I want more friends and people interested in commissions with me <3 I feel so boring).
Fursona Bio
Levant is a hybrid dragon in a few ways; identity, gender and type. From a special sub-type of genetics that borders on sci-fi theories in the sense that his/hir gender is any type at any given moment and is settled
when in company or based on mood. A more certain terminology would say he/shi is an enigma; an idea and nothing more but fully categorized as a being. He/shi varies from the water dragon genes with the
obvious gryphon trait by the feathered wings. Atop the bizarre characteristics, a red gem is found on the chest directly over the heart which acts as a secondary, magic-based heart, combined with a black mark that
labels the dragon hybrid as this enigma.
Levant is a fairly small, lithe and shy dragon, never straying far from it's favorite locations and home-cave dwelling due to the nature of itself and the conflicts this makes with most other social creatures (as you can
see, most commissions show it dwelling alone). Despite this fact, Levant is a company-yearning being and does not thrive well on its own which makes its life all the more complicated. To further complicate its life,
Levant is also of the breeder variety (not like all that porn of ferals and whathaveyou; much worse) and has a near constant state of need in which the gender shifting, when applicable, is useful for sating these
hormones with the given partner he/shi finds for the urging nature.
more to come eventually
Persona Bio
But seriously. I am a open person as well as open-hearted<3; I love to make new friends and chat if my social awkwardness doesn't cripple me. I am someone who believes in looking to the universe; As a recent
song I got says, "we are free to choose our destiny" and this is an idea I believe greatly in, though I struggle to keep myself in that positive light some days. I am a femme sort of person, despite being
comfortable as the male I am. I am genderfluid/agender with a gender identity that shifts to my/my partners needs and am basically bisexual/pansexual. Levant him/hirself is classified
as an enigma because of this so you'll see varying gender artwork. I am the sort of emotionally-driven person who enjoys having close friends, I am also a general audiophile, like, music ALL THE TIME. And if it
isn't obvious, blue is my favorite color.
Don't be afraid to chat me up at all <3 there's a ton of people I crush on (in an innocent manner) I never go up to so...please make the first step, I probably like you already. I really wish I could get involved in the
community more but its hard for me to make friends or feel included, especially to be forward with new people. So really. Don't be afraid to reach out to me <333 I'd like to say I'm interesting and could be someone
you'd like to chat with, but you'll have to decide that (I want more friends and people interested in commissions with me <3 I feel so boring).
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