So this year was rough, Alot happened but I don't feel like going into detail, between the debacle at work that cost me my job, (they proceeded to loose the rest of the original staff and imported workers from out of state to replace us btw), dealing with the subsequent turmoil of wondering if there really is something wrong with me or if I was in the right to stand up for myself, dealing with some furry drama on the side, loosing friends, stepping out of my comfort zone to try and make friends, getting ripped off with a new replacement job that turned out to be really shady, and coming to terms with being almost 30 and starting to feel soreness in my back more than I used to after doing any amount of work, 2024 was a bit rough.
In all of this, My friends were here to support me and I haven't slipped down into depression as deeply as I could, and for that I'm thankful. My only regrets are that I feel woefully inadequate when it comes to reciprocating that support or kindness. I tried this year for example, to make up for some of the gift art I've received cuz I don't like being a freeloader, but I'm either disappointed with the result, or so mad at the early sketches and how terrible they work that I rage quit the piece altogether.
I just at the end of the day want to be happy, self sufficient and have a respectable amount of work done that I can sit back and say I did ok. I wanna hang out with friends and share experiences with similar interests, and I want to make the friends I already have happy.
Some of the changes I'd like to see myself get this year are a full time job in construction, even if its just basic labor; I've found having something at the end of the day to look at and be able to say "I did that" in the case of a newly completed wall/foundation/roof panelling or entire house etc, is morally uplifting, and I sleep better at night from both the mental contentment and the sore tired muscles.
I'd also like to see my art pick up more and swing in a more sfw direction. Last year I did alot of smut, more than I did wholesome work, and while working on it at the time may bring me temporary sly delight, when you step back at the end of the year and look back and realize most of the thinking you did was with your 2nd head, it can be disheartening. Sexual themes aren't the focus of the story I'm trying to tell with Levi or Fahroe but I sure do alot of it, so I wanna swing more towards worldbuilding and wholesomeness.
Speaking of worldbuilding I wanna start doing that more. I've made a metric ton of lore about my characters and their universe and I'd like to start putting it to pen and paper or art, rather than bullet points on a .doc or crammed into my noggin slowly degrading over time. I do wanna eventually write a book in a sci fi setting with everything I have dreamed up, but sometimes I don't know where to begin.

Anyways enough of my rambling, TL;DR 2024 sucked for me, I want a job working construction in 2025, wanna make more clean sfw art, and start writing about my story I wanna tell one day. Best of luck and blessings upon thee in 2025, lets see where it goes!

Also side note, Black Ops 2's campaign takes place this year. Treyarch, I want a remaster xD

Hey all, your local Vanilla latte fluff from another world here. These last few years have been getting interesting for me, Life has just been turning out Unexpected events One after another.

2 years ago next week I got a job at a retail pharmecy chain in the U.S. to Work as a front end cashier. This wasn't my first time doing this kind of work, and it worked for me as I wasn't necessarily looking to get paid a lot, I just needed something to make ends meet. My first boss was a little bit harsh, but not malicious. She And the rest of us were really feeling the pressure to perform As the company was in the process of going bankrupt which I did not know at the time that I had been hired. The stress ended up causing her to quit And go to another company but the rest of us hung on. The Company decided that the assistant managers weren't fit for the job And so they decided they would rather Transfer somebody from out-of-state to take the place of a former manager. The managers quit one by one afterward, citing his tendancy to use "HR approved phrases for passive aggression and belittling." Or his tendancies to never show up on time, leave early, constantly make break and forget about promises from performance incintives to raises, promotions and days off... the list goes on.

I bring this up as yesterday, he decided to wake up and choose violence over a misunderstood conversation. With him red in the face and raising his voice I stared into his eyes. He was passionately mad as he blamed me for the stores shortcomings, from its performance or lackthereof, to its disunity, etc... So when he said he was sick of it, sick of ME, I.... I took a back seat and let 2 years of frustration take over.

"I sick of you too. You lie, you manipulate, you talk shit behind our backs and buddy up to us based on your mood, you pit us against eachother-"

"No I didnt I have never done that, name one time."

"How bout when you told bob I was your worst employee and you never wouldve hired me in October last year and again in march to Sally?"

"Never said that."

"Or when you single people out and accuse them of store theft in HR approved ways, you think we dont talk to eachother here? What about when you casually remarked theres no way we lost 65k in shrink we had to have internal theft when we're all honest, hard workers"

"Never said either of those things."

"You're a cowardly, manipulative lying b****"

"Then why work for me?"
"Great point. Here's my badge." So I walked out.

Now maybe it was a bit rash, maybe my anger got the better of me. A year and a half under this guy and I'd finally had it when he decided to come after me for having a stick up his arse one midsummer morning. Freakin retail dude.

So what next? Well, the answer is, a trade. Carpentry. Construction. A skilled trade. And with a new place to live closer to the job site, in a smaller, quieter town. Gonna be makin more money and on a set, regular schedule. No more chaos schedule of closing opening closing mid opening. A monday-friday, 8 hour day. Its so... different sounding. I start this Sunday. There are aspects about it that are intimidating, but I think I can manage. If I can just not let bad habits rule my life, I finally have an opportunity to rise up in the world.

Which brings me to my last point. I may open for sketches soon ish when I want extra money. I dont see it being a main money maker and I do owe a dear friend 2 pieces before I can open up for general commissions and take money, but it'd be a nice side hobby for extra playing around money.

So yeah, thats levi, an anxiety wreck at the up coming major life change of moving, a new job, and still fuming at my former boss wondering if I couldve done better. Still cant believe I told him off. Like damn, I had that in me? Wow.

Thanka for coming to my LevTalk. Yall take care.

So I sit here and look at 2023 and I'm quite a bit disappointed with myself. It absolutely for me was a year of procrastination. Whether it was doing art projects, blender projects, home improvement or rebuilding my pc, I've been putting it off further and further. Sometimes I just kept crushing down the trash can instead of taking it out, sometimes I just, lay in the tub without the water running for half an hour... I think it's called Apathy? There's just no motivation to do anything and boy, I just... feel morbidly unsatisfied with my life this year.

All in all I'm not happy with how lax, even lazy I've gotten. I know why I'm this way though, I keep finding myself more and more worried about missing out on time with friends who I depend on, I keep leaning on them too heavily and burning them out, sometimes so badly that they need to take a vacation. I just wanna vibe with em and laugh and feel the good feelings of comradarie and friendship, but I often find myself sidelined by culture clash or just different tastes. I often just find myself only getting to watch as they laugh and play games and poke fun at eachother or party for someone's birthday because the games they play I don't own, the way the party isn't my style, and I don't understand their humor. Sometimes I just, straight up don't get invited to things because I'm too different, or I'm so eager to hang out and chill that its repulsive to everyone else. It's not always like this mind you but it feels like that the majority of the time.

Now normally this is where I'd cheer myself up by reflecting on my achievements, but I really don't have hardly any this year, if any at all. Maybe, MAYBE my biggest achievement is that I'm finally up to snuff on my car maintenance so I don't have to worry about dumping a bunch of money into it barring any unforeseen accidents for atleast a few years. I broke my record this year for the longest stint of holding a job with a single employer, and for Christmas my boss asked me if I'd be willing to accept a promotion which would raise my hourly rate by almost 25%. If only I actually liked my job.

Its just a year feeling like I've either gone nowhere or gone backwards. My art for example, so much less of it done this year and the quality is going down at a disturbingly rapid rate. I'm not capable of reproducing stuff I did last year and I'm frankly too ashamed to share anything in the last 6 months I've tried and lost patience on sketching. Or even my own health. I started this year by getting more exercise equipment and even joining a fitness group but, I havent been to it in months nor have I worked out at home. I'm gaining weight again and getting more round.

I'm just, I'm not doing well I suppose, mostly mentally, physically I'm slightly worse off than I used to be but not irreversibly.

As far as everything I wanted to get done this year, I'm quite disappointed with it.
Originally I wanted to 'grow my confidence' this year and move past second guessing or not speaking up for myself. I suppose in a way I've made progress though it feels more like I've overcompensated into assholeism territory; I still second guess myself but knowingly push passed it but more importantly I stand my ground in my friend groups and it starts fights as a result. Doesn't matter if I'm the one suggesting something or sharing my opinion about a topic, someone's gonna disagree and insist "no Levi you're wrong and you don't know what you're talking about and don't know how to properly research that topic in the first place." Then everyone bounces because nobody wants to hear bickering and I'm just left at a loss.

I'm still antisocial in a room full of people I don't know, though I've managed to expand my acquaintanceship horizons somewhat.

I didn't do a single one of my construction projects this year, and my gardening ended in disaster when my apathy was so intensely bad I just... stopped watering the plants. Stupid excuse I know and I'm so ashamed as a result, but like... I just couldn't make myself get out of bed some days, and I'd just lay there and look out the window at those plants, almost hearing them beg me for water, and I'd just stare, motionless. I bought so many seeds and soil and fertilizer and other goodies to make a beautiful and productive herbal and vegetable garden and I just killed it all by July. Ugh...

And even though I didn't hardly do any art at all it was all NSFW content, which I wanted to expand on family friendly stuff and lorebuilding for my universe, maybe even write some chapters, and I've done NONE of that.

I failed my 2023 new years resolution entirely and I just... I got no explanations. I just... when it came time to do literally anything, I just didn't want to do it. So I didn't, and now I get to see a year of disappointment and regret as a result.

I don't know what 2024 is gonna bring but I'm... worried, for my future. If this apathy seeps into my work ethic I dunno what I'm gonna do, cuz there aint a lot left in this small rural area to do if I loose this job. I wouldn't say I'm frightened at the prospect, but I mean, even just thinking about the consequences is filling me with this attitude of “why even bother.” Idk... just... Happy new years I guess, I'm gonna keep my resolution simple; about all I want this year is to pull my shit together and start making some forward progress.

See y'all around, sorry this isn't a more inspiring report.
Leviticus

If I have one piece of advice to share and only one in these years ive been around, it is to cherish your friendships and your relationships. Out of everything I own on this Earth or everything I could own it all pales in comparison to the people I love and the time I've spent with them. I could win the whole world and I would feel hollow inside but one good conversation with a friend makes my life feel fulfilled in that moment. Nothing else really matters, be it fame or riches or cool toys, they are convenient nice to haves but nothing more. Life is an experience, not a collector's item. And the best experience you can have as a human being is to love and be loved. So do that. With your friends, with your family, make your friends your family and then love them with all your heart and soul.

I really don't know what to say about 2022 that hasn't been said already. For most people across the globe it's been a total shitshow. And while in the stage of world news I can't really say anything good happened, one of the things I can say is that I'm surprised about how much of my New Year's resolution I achieved last year, getting my own apartment and becoming fairly independent, getting a job and sticking with it, hell I've got two jobs now. I'm doing it, I'm being a grown up!

Life is still far from perfect and I'll be the first to say that I've got a long ways to go in a lot of different metrics. Some of the things I'm fairly proud of myself is that I haven't had an emotional breakdown about being single and hopeless in almost 8 months, I haven't been overwhelmed with Despair and distress, and I've been able to put plans and goals together to reach the next steps in personal growth.

Attitude-wise, I'm looking to try to grow my confidence this year. I'm always second-guessing myself in a lot of things, I don't speak up for myself in friend groups when my peers start getting bashed for our differences, while I feel more confident in my abilities than I previously did in the Years prior I'm still very much socially a coward and I'm looking to change that.

Skill-wise I've got several construction plans I intend to do throughout the year including build myself some furniture like a bed frame so I can stop sleeping on the floor, and I'm hoping that those will keep my carpentry skills sharp and teach me a thing or two about the finer aspects of interior design and construction.

I'm looking to start gardening this year and I'm already Gathering a list of things I want to grow, like Asparagus, Spinach, carrots etc, I recently got myself a free aloe plant that was left out on the free table and I think having a hobby like this could only be a benefit. I like the idea of merging myself with Leviticus in our Hobbies, he's a botanist that comes from a family of herbalists and alchemists, that would be neat to figure out how to make basic tinctures and tonics such as a lavender oil since I am an insomniac and that is one of its uses as but one example.

Lastly in Art, last year I made a commitment to do less NSFW and more family-friendly stuff and I'm rather pleased with the fact I was able to pull that off. The reason for that honestly is just a moral one: I don't want my wyvern who is symbolically my wife that I don't actually have, to be reduced to a sex object. I want her to have greater meaning than that, but as the story I'm writing has progressed, as the art has come and gone, and as fantasies even play out in my head I'm getting more comfortable with holding her in an intimate light, so I don't think I'm going to restrict myself this year as much as I did last year. So expect plenty of Levi x Fahroe lovins in 2023.

On the world scale I really hope this year is better for everybody but the most I can do is just be the best that I can be. I've got my goals that I'm aiming for, and I hope by reaching them I can do my part to make the world a better place.

Thank you for your support and thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope all of you have a great 2023!

You know, living alone isn't easy. Especially when you just dont have friends in the area. I may have lived in these parts since 2005 but everyone I knew is gone for one reason or another, and family almost never visits.

This Saturday though, I met a friend. While I was out on a walk, she ran right up to me. A husky, almost pure white except for spots on her sides, and ice blue eyes. Her ears were perked she had that big dorky dog smile on, her dewclaws were nipped and her claws freshly cut. She ran from the direction of the vet's office so I went over there with her to see if she had just bailed out of someone's car, or thru an open door. Turns out they were closed, not a soul was there. So I called the nearby animal shelter, "closed until Monday at 8 AM". Whatever the case, she refused to go more than 10 feet away from me now, acting like I was her dad, so to home we went, I'd atleast give her food and water for 2 days before taking her to the vet to check for a chip, or the shelter, failing that.

This dog may be chaos, constantly jumping on me or other things, chewing on things, she's woefully untrained, but there isn't a mean bone in her body. She's not timid either, fully willing to crawl into your lap for cuddles, or crawl in to be spooned at night. By my guestimate based on her actions and reactions, she's most likely been an outside dog, which, for an energetic husky, is a good thing. She isn't potty trained unfortunately, thankfully there was only a single mess, because by sheer coincidence she'd do her business outside when I took her for a walk, (which by the way is a helluva workout with a 50 pound animal tugging hard on that leash for a mile) and she may have been an only dog, because she very much doesnt like other dogs. Thankfully no dogs have been hurt by potential hostilities. All things considered though, despite being a brat, her company, and her more mellow moments made me feel quite happy. Sure she chewed on a few things and maybe had an accident but honestly, I made a friend with an untrained, though gentle soul.

During the daytime hours she was an absolute gremlin most of the time, but when that sun went down, she was just this gentle little lover of a pup. This morning though, I have to turn her in. I've put up posters and sent emails to all nearby pet help/ pet stores / vets and so on, and all weekend long, I have heard nothing. I'm just hoping the vet finds a chip, they're supposed to be legally required here but hardly anyone follows those kind of lesser laws around here. I'm certain she's had vet work done before so, fingers crossed, lets get her back to her family eh?

UPDATE: No microchip found, so the owner of the local lost and found pets Facebook group in our area is picking her up.

Pictures of the dog:
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/768293658268532736/1041466879014879384/20221112_112102.jpg
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/768293658268532736/1041466867082080406/20221112_141335.jpg

UPDATE. The dog has been reunited with her owner

I guess I need to put this out because I haven't ever actually put this down anywhere, but,

I am not interested in roleplaying with random folk. Maybe a year ago when I was still naive, but not these days. The same goes for me getting art with people.

If I get art with somebody, its because they mean something special to me and I'd like to commemorate our time together and have something to look back on and remember our great times. I do not like to treat art casually especially, in this economy.

And I feel similarly about the roleplay. Time is a luxury and roleplay requires alot of it, and alot of energy. And if I want to get invested in it I want to make sure I invest in it with someone who is worth that time and energy. Sadly over the years I've wasted a lot of time and energy on roleplays and relationships, so I'm not too eager to jump into new ones.

I know a few of my friends are going to read this and go " oh, well, Levi doesn't role play with me or get art with me, so I guess I'm not one of his friends." Don't do that. I don't want to spend most of my day roleplaying, plain and simple. I want to play games I want to be in a voice chat I want to draw art and sometimes I want to be by myself. I just don't have the money for art right now, and there are just other things I would rather be doing than Roleplay.

I just... idk, sorry about the rant but after I've had four people come up to me in the last week alone I felt the need to put my foot down. No roleplaying, no art, stop trying to get under my tail and stop trying to get me to get under yours.

This new SFW artist I've met has some really neat ideas, good art and shows alot of promise! She just hit 50 watchers and is hosting a raffle, and if you've got the time she's well worth a look! I happily present to you  WebberTheWicker Go a head and check her out!

Well I turned 26 today... getting older scre. Its weird to imagine. I'm still not independant after all this time, I dont know how people do it, cant hardly find a job but when I do it only lasts 6 months to a year. I wanted this year to be the year I turn my life around, but... its just more of the same of rampant unemployment, staggering bills, and a prevading feeling of hopelessness. Oh well, atleast I have a handful of friends and loved ones to help me along mentally. Thank you guys.

This is gonna be shorter than my usual journals, I just wanted to thank everyone for following along to 200 and apologize that I haven't been putting out much art lately, I'm hoping to fix that soon with some ideas I've got bouncing in my head. Motivational issues and art block combined make it difficult to come up with new content, and my ongoing struggles to learn my iPad don't help but, I'm hoping to do something soon! Deepest thanks from me to everyone here who's been so supportive, its helped me get this far, I couldn't have done it otherwise. All y'all take care out there.

Note, I'll stop with the 50 watcher milestones, next one will be at 300!

So today I hit a milestone I've been watching for a while now, and that milestone is 150 watchers. I'm still blown away that people want to see my art, commissions and photographs, its... an experience let me tell you.

I've been wanting to do something to give back to everyone who's contributed thus far with encouragements and friendship, been having thoughts about a free sketch lottery and such but, I don't yet trust my art skills all that much. I can do Levi and Fahroe and on rare occasions, some other characters but, I don't feel comfortable doing others yet just because I'm always questioning and second guessing myself. So, instead... I guess a lil Q&A could be a fun stand-in! If any of you have any questions, concerns, thoughts, queries or theories about Leviticus or my character's universe, ask down below! I might even answer in character!

Thanks again everyone for your interest and support, it really means alot to me. Sorry about the art drought lately I just am struggling to come up with stuff to draw. I'll get an idea and then stare at my art tablet and be like... "I don't wanna draw lol". Having only two days a week off makes that even more difficult, especially when my hours are a bit on the brutal side of the schedule. (till 10 at night, sometimes starting at 6 in the morning, always an 8 hour shift and I'm supposed to only be working 5, 4 hour shifts a week but we're shortstaffed) I get home and 90% of the time I just wanna sleep xD

But yea, thank all of you, and y'all have a great rest of the year, happy Halloween and the like!

So I've been going back and looking at my old journals... God there is some serious cringe in them. I'd say go check it out and laugh at me with me, but I'm so bloody well mortified that I just uh, kicked them aside :3

But seriously... I made those journals back in the day knowing I wasn't in a good state of mind. I left them... for myself... and for the people I loved to be able to look back at those and say "damn I was f*cked up. Look how far I've come... Look how far I still have to go." There's an old bluegrass song about a man on the Christian walk thru life, (don't worry I wont preach) and the chorus is, (paraphrasing here,) "I aint the man that I oughta be, and boy I aint the man that I wanna be. But thank god I ain't the man that I used to be." and... You know I gotta say that certainly applies to how I feel about myself, even just two years ago.

Along the way I've learned about myself. My weaknesses, my tendencies... I used to be this hopeless romantic... Well I still am but thats an aside~ But I used to be this hopeless romantic who, I didn't want anything in life. I didn't want no mansion, or a bunch of money, or really fast cars, or any of that. I just... what I wanted was to find a woman and make her happy, put her on the throne of my life, and make her feel truly loved and gifted, the luckiest woman in the world who would never again know loneliness, while I'd be her hero that tended to every little thing that bothered her.

Psh... great fantasy right? But, when you think about it, and I did... boy is that pathetic. I literally used to say "life lived alone isn't worth living." And yeah, after a breakup with someone I loved very dearly, I felt that so deep and so true it defined me. I still agree that being alone fucking sucks lol, but, you know, I'm not in the mood anymore to say it isn't worth living. There's plenty worth living for. Some of it is to experience the best life has to offer in the forms of emotional gratification. Happiness, delight, joy, even love. A sense of accomplishment goes a long ways.

And some of it is to be there for others who need you. I still remember this girl, Victoria. She was... like... 15? I was 18 at the time working at a youth camp. We mainly had foster kids come in 150-200 at a time and stay the weekend, we did fishing, boating, horseback rides, archery classes and all that, (I taught in that archery class) but, one time in 2015 there was this girl right? Her attire was gothic but she didn't have the makeup. Very quiet, very held back, didn't talk to the other kids. And I noticed her hanging out by herself, looking miserable with life. I could tell that she was thinking about how shitty it was all these kids around her were having fun and she wasn't. So I went over and talked to her over the course of... I think half an hour? Maybe an hour, don't really remember. But when I was done, I gave her a book with a bunch of short stories in it, some of which were about women in ancient times who thru their bravery and courage and holding to what they believed in, changed the world...
Her counselors came to me the next day. They started in, very appropriately I might add, that it was questionable of me to be alone with her for an hour, but that she told them everything I did and, she was a changed person, she was out running around with the other kids, laughing and playing, when we put a movie on she had people practically leaning on her as they shared jokes and they were all dying of laughter. She showed up for dinner, socialized, was one of the last people out... She changed. And that, that feeling right there? That shit is what I live for. And I made the mistake of narrowing my focus to "the one," basically telling myself I'd only bother to do that to whomever was going to be my wife. No, I think the world could use more support, and I've been trying to open back up and share whatever gift I might have. I haven't yet seen anything near on the level of that one kid 6 years ago,

I'm not who I was 2 years ago. 2 years ago, I was afraid of flirting, afraid of "adult stuff huehuehue" like, legitimately afraid to the point of having anxiety attacks. I always introduced myself as the burden that you don't need in your life, or similar self loathing titles, and hell, that all got doubled down on last September when I got hit with the double whammy of loosing the love of my life, and was completely ostracized from everyone I knew online. I wanted to die. And, I suppose in a way I did. Piece by piece since then I've been rebuilding everything about myself, and before where I'd stress the f*ck out because my GF hadn't told me she loved me in almost 12 hours, now my stress just comes from misreading people in social situations and being Unemployed WHICH AS OF RIGHT NOW IS NO LONGER A PROBLEM. Sure I still get a bit down in the dumps when depression comes along and does its bullshit, "you'll never find someone, you're a waste, everyone hates you and just isn't man enough to say it" but... it doesn't hold the same grip over me as it used to.

So, it begs the question. Who am I? Well, I'm Leviticus obviously. This, person... this dragon that looks like coffee with a bit too much cream and a weird beard in the fluff with a scar over one eye and derpfangies... He's me. Not in an otherkin kind of way either. He's me when I can be myself because online anonymity means I don't have to hide (as much.) And who is he? Well,
He's a romantic who loves to lavish on his wife at every chance, even if it means being cheesy with the flirts and one liners. And boy does he love it when she has her way with him as a reward for his unconditional love.
He's a nerd who's a fan of all things outer space and has a few hobbies, and has found a way to mix his hobby into his working life so that work isn't just a paycheck.
He's someone who's willing to try most anything atleast once, and speak his mind about his experiences.
He's a friend to a close few that he loves almost as much as family.
He's someone who stands up for what he believes in,
And he's someone who doesn't give naysayers a chance to start shit. You can be nice and polite and wholesome while still avoiding bullshit. Ya just gotta put your foot down and be willing to hold a no-compromise stance.

Blessed relief... peace even. It feels good to have my life moving in a good direction again. Maybe one day I'll actually meet Fahroe and she won't be just an idea anymore. That'd be a trip. But until then, gotta keep walkin here, life's a journey and what you do is a story for those who come after you. I don't want to be a sob story. I want to be an inspiring one with a great ending.

Thank all of you who've been so supportive during these last several months, you know who you are and I love you guys as wholesomely as I can, even if I'm totally derp when showing it.

Take care everyone, and chin up, if you've been where I've been then I can enthusiastically say, it won't last long. Just believe, and keep putting one foot infront of the other. Don't be afraid to cry out when you need it either. Even when you feel so cripplingly stranded and forgotten... because that's when you need to reach out the most.

Its that time of year again.

I'll be honest with you guys, I always get anxiety attacks today. Then again, when do I not get anxiety attacks? The self depreciation hits hardest on days like this though, days that should be happy. I'd like to say it's not entirely in my head and that I'm Justified for feeling this way, family abandoning the celebration we've been planning for two months, but lets be real, today is what you make it, so if its bad, it's my own fault for being such a downer.

I really hope today goes well but I don't exactly have high expectations. I really hope the rest of the year goes well on that note. And I wish I had something more inspiring to say but, I'm not good at acting, and I'd have to pull off one hell of a performance to appear optimistic right now.

I hope everybody out there has a good day today. Cherish your loved ones, and Carpe Deim.

Before we begin I just wanna poke fun at myself because im so tired I wrote 20201, thinking in my head, 20-20-1 instead of 2021. I have normal brain function I swear xD

In September 2020, my life fell to pieces. And then those pieces were pulverized. And for a large part of it I have only myself to blame. I lost friends that I consider family, I lost actual family. I ruined any chances I had with someone I was looking to date. I was still grieving over the loss of a romantic relationship almost 3 years in the making. I made enemies. And I made the tiny world that I knew, hate me. I ended up sleeping on a couch at a friend's house that was out of the loop so he didn't hate me. I lost my job, and... yeah I hit an all time low. But, in the months since then, people who believed in me... keep in mind I didn't say cater, just... believed in me, are what held me together. I won't name them because some enemies I've made will go after them, and have been going after them.

Look I'm not perfect, far from it, I'm a mess and I've spent weeks in miserable self loathing reflecting on how pathetic I can be. But, I'd like to think things are improving. I'm not who I was. And so we arrive at Febuary... today. I've been practicing art and liking my progress immensely... feeling... proud of it at times. I've been making new friends, coming out of my shell a little. Hell I've been working out, and even managed to fix my sleep schedule. In my personal life things are on the mend, and in my online, social life, I'd like to think I'm learning how to respect people for once. How to value people without being clingy and projecting ideal traits onto people I admire, how to... stand up for myself, how to say no. How to use my voice. These aren't things I learned as a kid, when I was young it was beat into me if someone wants my opinion they'll ask me, otherwise shut up cuz I'm being annoying and distracting.

So, now the question becomes what am I going to do with 2021? Well...
Job corps is a bust, I'm officially too old to continue in the program, meaning I'm on my own again. I've got some work lined up though in construction come spring time, and I'll be building my own portfolio for use as a freelance carpenter. Might not be unionized but any experience is worth it, and if I build up my finances, a 1 time $200 fee and I'm in the Union as an apprentice, after 4k hours, a full fledged journeyman carpenter. For a career thats where I'm going to go.

For talents and past times? I want to keep developing my art skills. Working on hands, faces, wings, details... I want to get into manual shading, not some AI stuff you've seen in my lineless works. I'd like to get good enough I can comfortably open up for commissions when I need extra cash, and by good, I mean make something of reasonable quality in a reasonable amount of time. I'd like to do lineless art, open world backgrounds and interior ones, showing off my architectural taste and experience with the interior shots. I'd like to develop my universe more and actually start creating short stories that people want to read. I'd like to learn how to build a PC, and use something other than a cheesy prebuilt Dell desktop. And lastly, I'd like to feel better about myself. Currently my own self worth is entirely dependent on what people think of me, and its heavily biased to be pessimistic. Doubtful even. I'd like to be happy, not with who I am, but who I'm becoming and the path I'll be on at the time. And, God willing, I'd like to be brave enough to once again look for someone special out there in the big scary world. I'd like to be happy with my body and be satisfied with my fitness.

I'm going into Febuary with a sort of... determination to make the world around me better. Not just hope it gets better. Its time to stop praying and doing nothing. Time to stop hoping... start doing, and time to not give up when I push and the world pushes back, as I'm prone to do. Oh and maybe time to stop apologizing for every little thing and just either don't make mistakes, or don't feel guilty about standing up for myself and what I believe in. None of this is going to be easy, Nothing worth doing ever is. One could say, it's time to grow up, and frankly its about damn time, I'm goin on 25 years old this April.

All things considered, I'm lookin to do in 2021 what I should have done when I turned 21. Or 18 for that matter. Time to be a man and have some worthwhile qualities. And if I can have just one wish, its that while I'm doing this, I don't forget who brought me this far. Even if we're no longer on speaking terms, alot of people have been good to me atleast at some point and influenced who I am today. Some of those people are still good people who grew weary of me and I don't blame them. I may not be able to make them proud... But I'm going to do what I can to make sure they didn't waste their breath.

Might be late for a new years resolution but I know what I'm gonna do this year. I'm going to take it, and make it mine. Good luck to all of you in your own pursuits and goals, and here's hoping at the end of the year we'll all have great stories to tell of progress, learning, growing wiser, skillful, and being content with how far we've come individually and collectively.

Wow... Just... What did I do? Don't get me wrong I'm amazed in a good way, never thought my photos and sketches would bring this many people, you know I expected more like... 12? but hey... I'm not complaining in the least bit. So uh, thank you! And, forgive me for being all wishy washy, being in touch with your emotions is a double edged weapon, you get to experience the unfettered pleasures of life, no social norms dulling how good it feels to be a person who likes hugs for example, but, it exposes you to inner chaos... and you can't keep it bottled up inside. That and with all the stress of everything, it just kinda... explodes out, and... makes me look like a dramatic piece of fluff... which, if you think that, You're not wrong!

In any case, thank you guys for showing interest and support, and I hope I can continue to provide eye-catching photos, sketches, and the occasional commish. So, until next time, y'all stay safe, take care, and enjoy life!

Hey everybody hope you're all doin well and have a good ole time during the Christmas/hanukkah/holiday season. This'll be my first one alone so, it's... gonna be an interesting time for me.

I got good news though, and that is on a couple of things. The nightmares are gone and have been for a few weeks. Now my insomnia has no excuse xD.
The scans came back to show that the 9mm unidentified mass has not changed any further, so... it's stable for the moment. Doctors are wondering if stress weakened my immune system and let it grow or something like that, which, 2020 has been full of stress so far, so maybe?
I've managed to work a few odd jobs, most recently I was able to do some insulating, hanging sheet-rock and mudding as a freelance laborer in the area, felt good to be doing some work however the job only lasted 3 days.
I've also been slowly but surely working on Artwork and my writing, doing some stuff for Fahroe and Leviticus for the writing, been trying to work on a gift for a friend which I posted a WiP of recently, I just have trouble staying motivated.

All in all, December's ending somewhat decently. I'm still looking for steady work, still struggling with emotional isolation and all in all I'm feeling rather... meh? Still dwelling to much on the past, but even though I know this I can't force my brain to stop thinking about it at 2 AM. I'm trying though. For those of you that are into that kind of thing, if anyone's in the mood to say a prayer on my behalf so I can get some work, the old addage is certainly true, idle hands are the devil's playtoy, and I'll tell you what I notice a profound difference between when I'm employed and when I'm not for my general positive attitude. Something about being a useful member of society not worrying about if you can afford things, really helps. By the way I'm not saying unemployed people aren't good members of society, that's just the accusations my brain hurls at myself at 2 in the morning to make me feel like shit and feel motivated to not be a shitty person. It... Does the opposite ;_;
Anyways, y'all take care for those of you who read this. Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful end of 2020.

Apparently at 10 PM on Sunday, there was a triple homicide up on the reservation near a casino. Stab wounds and the like. No one knows who done it and they're still trying to ID the victims. The perpetrators then set fire to the immediate area, and tried to hide it as Arson by splitting up into 2 vehichles, a black SUV and a Jeep, starting fires everywhere along the mountainside to a total of 10-12. One of them was caught but the others got away.

By the time I noticed the fire at 10 AM the following morning, the fires had combined into one super fire with the help of 60 mph (90kmh) burst speed winds, and 45mph (67kmh) sustained winds. These winds caused it to burn over 173,000 acres of land in 24 hours, making it cross the county line into the next county over. Power went down at 1 pm on Monday the 7th due to power lines breaking from debris and high winds. Power remained out until the following morning.

In the meantime, during the county wide blackout, we learned 2 things. The entire county has a single point of failure in the county seat's substation, and that when no one can call for help, the crime reaaaally takes off. We had looting in stores, gas stations, peoples homes, armed robberies, muggings, car theft. All thru Monday night into Tuesday you could hear shots going off in the night, and when the power came back on it all stopped. I gotta tell ya, with witnessing all of that, I got no faith in humanity anymore. When it suddenly becomes almost guarenteed you wont be held accountable for crime, it seems like people come out of the woodwork to steal hurt and destroy, faking being a legal and responsible citizen when everything is normal, degenerating into a creature of the damned when no one can call for help. I'm sickened.

As of writing this, the fire has claimed countless homes, the life of a 1 year old and put several people in the E.R. With how fast those winds were, some people couldn't escape and had no warning once the power went out. Fire is still going, and is minimally contained at best.

I only open up 2 slots at a time and do not announce slot openings, mostly because I do not wanna be swamped with commissions, due to anxiety. For those interested, keep track of those openings here.

Slot 1: Refined sketch for  Rykershar
Slot 2: Empty

I do not keep a waiting list, but I do have 1 bonus slot for if someone has been waiting for a while.

Bonus slot: Empty

This journal is also to help hold me accountable, so if I get stuck for a long time on a commission, it's pretty transparent and easy to call out.

Journal has changed from it's initial posting. This is now a consolidated message about my experience at U.S. Job Corps which lasted almost a year before being halted by Covid 19. Subsequent journal posts about Job Corps have been deleted.

In the long and short of it, Job Corps is a great idea that is terribly executed. Many staff are good natured and well meaning but their hands are tied by bullshit U.S. Government policies that discriminate the entire Job Corps population of the entire country based on the rash actions of a minority of the individuals, many of whom haven't been to Job Corps in over a decade. Job Corps policies are the epitome of "It takes 1 guy to fuck it up for everyone." As such, Job Corps quality of life on campus is about as horrible as you can get. Boot camp is preferable, because there atleast you're a human-being with basic rights. You forfiet your constitutional rights upon signing up for the program, including your rights of free speech, religion, your right to not bear witness against yourself, obviously the 2nd amendment but that's a given, Even if you're over 21 your right to drink and smoke, about all they leave you with is your right to vote which they can take away by removing your individual right to send mail. You have no privacy, you are now a slave in a propaganda machine used by politicians to make it seem to the masses like they're doing some good, all so they can get re-elected, while they and their underlings get paid a ludicrous amount.

Some of Job Corps worst qualities include having the student body itself make up the disciplinary committee. As in, If you, like me, are 24 years old and mind your own business, do your job and get recognized by the staff as someone of good quality, you're going to make that 17 year old disciplinary officer very upset at you, and they're going to start coming after you. Solitary hair on the ground behind your toilet? You just lost weekend priveledges for the next 2 weekends and have to clean EVERYONE's bathroom on that floor of the building. Stood up for someone being bullied because you're actually a good person? Get turned in for "intimidating other students." and put on "trial" by the student body where they can decide if you get kicked out or stay.

Additionally, Job Corps policy fiercely enforces the "chain of command" policy, so even IF you have a beef with 17 year old Joe, you have to go to 18 year old Bob despite being 25% older than the guy, and Bob has to decide whether or not to tell Bill, another 17 year old, who then has to tell an adult staff member. If you skip Bob and go straight to staff, you will be ignored. The staff will tell you they want to help you, but they can't because it has to go thru chain of command. And what happens when Bob and Joe are friends and Bob does nothing or Bob retaliates? You can't tell Bill because you're supposed to tell Bob.
In short, having the student body be self-governing in an already high tension, high stress, cutthroat environment just spells disaster. The slightest drama cascades out of control. And the reasoning behind this Job Corps policy? "So students can learn to manage individuals in a workforce to be an effective team." Sure that might work in their respective classes and trades, but in their daily out-of work lives when they have every right to sit on the couch in their own home, drink a beer and watch tv? (None of which you are allowed to do while at Job Corps btw) Its just asinine.

Moreover, some of the adult staff are often ex Military, these individuals are sought after by Job Corps, and the U.S. Military offers a lateral promotion program from Military straight to Job Corps staff. (U.S. Military also recruits from Job Corps directly.) The end result is that these individuals will look you in the eye then dismiss all of your concerns about your own safety, peace of mind, and blah, because "you don't know danger until you've been in the shit." With no regard for quality of life, only an interest in results, many of the ex mil staff's policies are instead of "squeaky wheel gets the grease," they have "squeaky wheel gets hit with a hammer until fixed. If it breaks, get a new wheel." Basically many of the military veteran staff show no sympathy or humanity. We're just cogs.

Lastly come the punishments. When the disciplinary committee fails to do anything... Such as failing to stop fight club over in bunkhouse 6 (and there's 12 bunkhouses with 80 people each) EVERY bunkhouse looses every privilege that exists and is forced into "community service" also known as scrubbing every toilet in the building 12 times over, and while you move from one toilet to the next, someone else scrubs the one you just finished. Or say, Jon decided to skip dinner and finish playing Minecraft on his phone, Every last student now has to turn in all electronics, from phone to laptop to game console and back, and they wont get it back for weeks, possibly months. Why? "You're only as strong as your weakest link." Basically, 'Bully Jon in as discreet a way as possible into ensuring he doesn't do it again but don't do it in a way where he can call you a bully because if he does we can kick you out for harassment :D Remember, you all need to conform to the idea of mindless worker zombies with a political leaning of our choosing or you all collectively get punished for the actions of one insurrectionist."

The cherry on top is that Job Corps refuses to yield or meet students in the middle when it comes to accommodations, reconsidering certain policies, or just general humane requests. Operating under a policy of "if you don't like it, leave," and "Isn't 2 years of hell worth the future our training can give you" they're malicious, insidious and completely lacking of any kind of human decency. The program from the Federal level needs to be either scrapped or completely torn apart and remade from the ground up.

At the end of the day, Job Corps residential life is just FUBAR, and I cannot in good conscience recommend the program to anyone except minors who are homeless and unemployed. The educational side of Job Corps is phenomenal, but the residential side is so bad it's not worth it. If you read this and still want to go to a center, I implore you to get non-residential status at all costs. For your own sake.