Howdy yall

forgot to give the heads up, but Im staying over in My main city for a couple of days for a friends birthday, because of this, I will be away from art until the 21st of July, gonna use this as a sort of mini detox from art

Hope yall understand

Alexander

This has been hitting alot recently, especially ever since my life has been getting better

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnlPtaPxXfc

reconnecting with old friends I lost over the years, slowly reappearing as the fallout settles. some letting themselves in, it gives me time to reflect whilst stoned out of my gourd, how things could've been, how things could've branched differently, leading to a better outcome.

Its oddly bitter sweet getting to catch up with people who I thought absolutely despised me, I wonder just how many will come back in all, and which ones I have to accept I will never talk to again and move forward with my life.

Either way, the point is.

Never go quietly into the long night, Never forget that even if the world has you set to go down, its better to go down kicking, screaming, and with a smile on your face.

Even if you're meant to go a lot sooner than others, cause god thought it would be funny,

even if I go sooner or later, I'll remain kicking and screaming until I can no longer scream or kick

But hey, that's Life

Alexander

Howdy Howdy

Just wanted to post this as my Friend  fir3dragon0113 is hosting a raffle on their page

They have improved a lot over the past year and Im saying they are better at art than me

GIve the man a follow and join in on the Raffle

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/61352931/

Alexander

Howdy howdy

so this entry will be a bit different, as it focused on a more positive note

so for starters, after trying the atomic cocktail of anti-depressants for a while with nothing really working, I had recently been cleared to try out medical Cannibis, its a 2 month trial period, however just being on it for a couple of days has majorly improved my mental health, I generally feel happier during the day, Im not feeling as tired as what I was used to when I was on the traditional depressants, however its basically nuked my burnout, Everyday Im getting new ideas for pieces (Including that Jason piece), I feel like Im enjoying doing arts again, both commissions and personal pieces.

Other than that, I do apologise in advance if you message me and I'm stoned out of my mind.

Currently still working on comms (4 / 7 completed) which will be completed in due time. Hope you all are enjoying the work so far

Love you all, and thank you for sticking around, even when there are days where I feel like complete shit

*Big Deathclaw hug*

Alexander

so funny story

Turned 20 on the 27th, had a bit of a day, dealing with working the OVNS, and coming home, sleeping and working on art, I have a couple of pieces that need to be uploaded later today, so please be patient.

Other than that, I hope you've all been doing well

Alexander

Howdy howdy

Its currently 2 in the morning as Im typing this as Im on my smoke break at work and I dont know how to feel tbh...

This isnt gonna be a good update compared to the rest of them, so far this year

So to simplify things.

In 2 days as of writing this, I will be turning 20 years old, but at the same time, im sorta not excited for it, albiet more anxious, birthdays are something I dont celebrate at all, I just treat them as normal days ever since my wonderful father ruined them for me, ever since then, its always been the same for days of importance, sleepless nights, nightmares, depression episode, always, everytime.

And tbh, its starting to eat away at me, to where I am no longer able to function as a human being, I feel like Im in that spot again, being swallowed up by the void whole, only to be left in the eternal darkness, and Im starting to feel like I want to embrace it.

Its getting to a point where getting out of bed is a chore, and Im only living to work, and draw, Ive started to skip meals cause I see myself differently in the mirror.

Im not even excited anymore to finally see my bf at the end of the year, it feels like a pipedream thats never gonna happen

Forever in a long distance relationship.

Its getting to the point, where Im getting fed up, fed up and done with life, it no longer has meaning, its just 1 long useless vicious cycle and chore.

And it feels like Im approaching that realisation

Alexander

So funny story

Guess who's Bike was just stolen

Thats right me

And as per usual the QPS is a perfect police force that is in no shape or form flawed or corrupted

(That was sarcasm)

Art will be slow in the next couple of days

Howdy

So im gonna be honest to you all

At one point in my life, I was diagnosed as a psychopath, later on in the year, it was re-diagnosed as borderline personality disorder, however looking at it closer in recent months, I wonder if that original diagnosis was correct

A couple of days ago, as of writing this, My training company has pulled me aside to "Discuss" other potential career pathways, because they brought up how I am Too clinical speaking and tend to lack empathy towards client's in questions.

It was further ramified today when a friendship I had with a client broke down, they said I was sadistic during RP, and I told them why it could potentially be happening, about my mental state, what caught me though, was that I was not aware, I was not aware that I was being sadistic, it confused me.

For nearly as long as I can remember, I could not feel remorse until now, when a person who I felt like I was genuinely friends with, having it crumble before me, I felt something that I hadn't felt in while.

I felt remorse

Right now, I psychically don't know how to process this, or how to react to it.

I am taking a break from art for a bit, I will still try to complete current commissions but it will be completed at a slower pace

For now, Im not sure how things will go

Alex

Howdy Howdy

I come Bearing both good and unfortunate news as of writing this note

On the good note, I have recently both gotten employed at a company, with me specialising in Overnight Operations. I also recently took the first step into becoming a Nurse with taking classes into recieving a Certificate III In Individual support (Aged Care). Now the main issue present is that there will be a significant delay in art and posting, I'll instead be inclined to opt for Megaposts when I can in the near future, and it will be like this until the end of 2025

Other than that I have recently been having issues with my BPD, constantly metronoming between hating and "Not Hating" an old acquaintance. And to be honest, its nuking my productivity and sending me into a depression spiral.

Other than that, I hope you are all ready for this coming megapost

*Big Deathclaw hug*

Alexander

Howdy Howdy

As of writing this, I am currently in the process of writing up the Desc's for a Megapost, something like 20+ Pieces that are being posted that were supposed to be posted last week but had to be put on hold due to the power failures caused by TCA, just strap in and sit tight for my biggest post to date!

*Big Albino Deathclaw hug*

Hope you enjoy whats to come and cum

Alexander

Howdy howdy

so providing an update, Tropical Cyclone Afred is now EX-Tropical Alfred after dissipating off the coast of brisbane, however, we are not fully out of the woods yet, due to the remaining rain and wind are gonna batter my town for the next couple of days and might cause flash flooding / power outages

In the meantime, had a funny story, last night, I witnessed a bright blue and light from the powerlines, found out in the morning when Ergon (Electricity Grid Company) That the protective sleeve that wraps around the powerline had frayed due to the winds and kept arcing up the lines

I will be going back to working on Comms, but it will be at a slow pace

Alexander

Howdy

This is a Message to those who have commissioned me, due to Tropical Cyclone Alfred Hitting Brisbane, I will be suspending all progress on Commissions until Further Notice, I will make another Journal when it has passed through

Thank you for Understanding

Stay Safe

Alexander

Howdy howdy

I'm going to keep this short but I need to say what I must.

Due to the actions of a certain person and me falling out with them, I will not be naming names, I have decided to start to purge my gallery of art that I have both gotten and have made regarding a certain character. In short, over the the next couple of hours, I will begin this purge to remove it from my page as looking at it now just brings me disgust, However for the time being, any of my commissions sheet that feature this character will remain on my gallery until I have a revised version ready.

Although some of the art is genuinely good and some that I am proud of making, I cannot look at it the same way

Hope you understand

Alexander

Howdy

So funny story, I just got hit with 2 back to back bills, one for a scooter repair after the motorhub failed and seized and the back tyre exploded after hitting a chunk of metal, and currently that scooter is the only for me to get to and from TAFE, and also got slapped in the face with extra bills this month

This is gonna a bit of a big ask, but its gone from monitors to scooters and bills now, I am about 270AUD (170USD) short on combined scooter repairs and extra bills, so I am opening emergency comms for 5 slots, I still need to finish up some previous comms first but Ill be able to hammer them out once the others have been finshed.

PLEASE, if you have a friend who wants to get art, please send them my way and I can have it done quick

Thanks

Alexander

Howdy

so as you've seen, whenever I post stuff on my FA / Bsky, I usually add a Prefix or Suffix to help add more context to the piece, however I have never actually gave the proper explanation to them.

So this is the full list as follows.

[CW: XYZ] - Content Warning (Self explanatory, This always gets placed in the "Content Warning" folder) and can be used to shed details on kinks / fetishes that may not be everyones cup of tea.

[COMM] - Commission Piece.

[GIFT] - Gift Piece, usually for Friends / Birthdays.

[DIALOGUE] - An Alternate of the Piece that features Dialogue between one or more characters.

[WIP] - Work in Progress Piece.

[REMINDER] - Usually to indicate things such as Comms being open.

[ADOPTABLE] - Adoptable character for sale.

[BLENDER] - This Piece was made as 3d art using the Blender Software

[TRADE] - This is an Art trade.

(XYZ) - This is to indicate an alternate to the same piece.

Hope this clears things up when looking in my Gallery

so

before we start, I would like to extend a heartfelt thank you to  DariusLeoGator and  fir3dragon0113 For sticking with me like glue during a dark moment, when I was at my lowest, questioning my talents as an artist, you two were there to tell me not give up.

So....

After some time today, as of writing this, I have given it some though, and came to my final decision, I am choosing to stay, as Darius put it, Im not taking a large chunk of my personality away from me because, some therapist told me that my entire persona was built off a trauma response from years of abuse. as he said, I need to fight those pieces of trauma because its what makes me, I'd just be nothing without my flaws, my chinks in my armour as one could put it. I would also be alienating myself since alot of my close friends are furries themselves and I would just be the odd one out from the rest.

So to say Fuck right off to that idea is an understatement, because Im hear and shouting at the top of my lungs to say Things will only get better from here. Its not right to just remove something so big to me, when I've built up this empire of art I've made, only to dump it to the side, dust my hands clean and pretend anything happened, and as seen from my friend ren. There are some people out there who generally enjoy seeing my art and want to see more of it made.

So here's to kicking Seasonal depression in the ass, cause Fuck it seven ways from Sunday. Even though I get down in the dumps and question myself, I just want to thank those who helped rebuild me when even I couldn't rebuild myself

Here's to 2025, the year of my self improvement and art

Even though I may seem down at times, and it looks like shit hit the fan, its takes a lot to drop me, and even more for me to stay down

Alexander

Don't Cry because it's over
Smile because it happened
- Dr. Seuss

So, I've been thinking, hard, and to be honest, Im stuck.

As you read from my previous journal, I have been recently struggling with the reality check of realising that my entire online persona and interests were based on a trauma response, and because of that, I have been thinking.

I have been thinking of Retiring as an Artist and as a member of the furry fandom.

To be blunt, I have been slowly losing interest in art in pursuit of other hobbies, what started off as a simple side thing when I was working at Mcdonalds now led to something I would spend most of my day doing, working into rediculous hours of the night to finish pieces in a timely and orderly fashion. This has developed into a powder keg that was waiting to detonate.

All it took was that one spark.

That therapy session.... to utterly destroy my views as an artist and furry. To make me feel disgusted at something I was so comfortable around.


Im still in the thinking and decision stage as this is a major part of my personality Im removing in order to better myself mentally. I will still finish all remaining commissions, even though the motivation has completely faded away, for the sake of closure and formality. However I am not sure where my life will truly go after I finish that final piece, whether to stay in the fandom because my personality was molded around being a furry, or to put it all behind me, for the sake of closure and my mental health.

All I know is I have wronged some people in the past, and have done some deplorable things that have made me question my worth here in the fandom, I do take responsibilities for my actions back then and still feel remorse for things that happened years ago. and I do feel like it would be best to hang up my coat and hat, and exit stage left.


If I do end up leaving, I will keep my pages online, to be preserved as a time capsule, as it would not be appropriate to build up all these pieces of artwork, only to destroy it later on. however all activity in the fandom from me, would promptly cease. For I feel like this to be my Final Duet.

Alexander

Have you ever looked in the mirror, and stared at yourself? tracing the details of your face, making a note of each and every detail, but then get distracted, only to look back and it becoming an abstract mess of shapes?

New Year, new me.... or atleast I hope


To be honest, I face this everyday with my life, during seasonal depression, it almost feels like people's faces melt away, except to an amass of shapes and figures that resemble what can be described as a face and maybe a person, as life starts to feel like theres a lack of depth in it. Everything is becoming so black and white again.

People online are starting to distort, And Im afraid Im going to be alone again, when everything becomes unrecognisable once again,
Its weird to say it outloud, but living in a world full of abuse and neglect from when I was younger due to my father, I generally dont know what normality is, and Im afraid to experience it, when I thought this was normal, to occasionally look in the mirror and see yourself as a child again, scared, wondering why the police would visit so often, and why dad held a knife to mum

Im afraid because I dont know what its like to be normal.

And yet its getting worse, everything is degrading more and more, and it feels like Im torn between a world of normalicy and insanity
Im afraid of either side in the cycle, on which bottomless pit I will be falling into.

even things that I found normal I find oddly disgusting now, things that I used to enjoy, just lacking that enthusiam or spark that it had that caused me to enjoy it.

A couple of Days ago, I went to my therapist for a visit, and decided to delve a bit deeper, discuss why I would be into such things as incest or being a Pornography Artist. It led to a conversation on how I particularly favoured father and son incest, compared to others. She told me that the reason I particularly liked incest art was because I lacked a loving father in my life and that it was my mind trying to piece together and comprehend what a loving relationship looked like buy essentially piecing it with the most extreme parts I know, that being Sex.

It also led to a discussion onto my hobbies as an artist and I found out the reason I became a porn artist was due to hypersexulisation as a trauma response, nothing more, nothing less, just a simple trauma response to comfort myself when my mind knew of no else.


However, after seeing it, I look at my own works of art and my gallery in disgust, that this entire time wasn't a passion, or maybe it was partly, but because I was solely using it as a trauma response, nothing more than a way to prevent me from hanging myself in my bathroom.

I guess its something I just have to deal with


Alexander

Howdy Howdy

Before we get into the real meat and potatoes, I have been able to get both Monitors replaced as of recent, one from my commissions, and the other as a christmas gift from a family member. So give it a week or two and Ill be back to drawing.

In the meantime though

So I have been able to become a Lovense affiliate, any purchases of Lovense toys through my link will help support as I get a commission for each sale.

If you still want to support me this christmas whilst you get something in return, purchase a Lovense Toy with my link!

https://www.lovense.com/r/b2mxij

Welp for the time being, if your saw my tweet, my monitors got broken during transit to my new home, ruined completely ruined, in a complete move of idiocy and mental slowness, i didnt secure shit properly and broke them due to the drive.

Because of my sheer (word I cannot say) all commissions will be paused until I am able to find a work around to this problem.

I apologise for any inconvenience this places on people.

Howdy

So, as of late, my Commissions Terms of service has been considerably outdated and is need of a refresh as of recent. A lot of things will remain the same but there will be a general update to the rest. In addition to this, Blender Commissions TOS has also been added.


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


TRADITIONAL ART:

- Due to my more recent shift into commissions, I will have a maximum of 5 slots open at one time, The Commissions List on my front Page will be Updated every Monday [AEST] to show the progress and availability of Commissions. At the bottom of the page will feature a header for when it was last updated.

- If you decide to order multiple commissions at the same time, It will be counted under 1 slot, However when the first piece is done, I will proceed onto the next person on the Commissions list to complete theirs before handling your second / third Commission. [A maximum of 3 Simultaneous Commissions can be ordered at once]

- as for general Courtesy and to keep things nice and simple, PLEASE Dont start your Note or DM subject with just "Hey" or "Hi", PLEASE state the fact that you wish to commission me with having your subject as either "Inquiry" or "Commission".

- Ill try and keep some back and forth conversation as to what you are looking for in order to nail the target Commission you were looking for. I'll try to update you every 2 - 3 Days with WIP Screenshots.

- Once the Sketch Phase has been completed, it will be sent for review, PLEASE use this time to look over the piece and message me for any adjustments as any changes after the sketch has been confirmed will incur a 2-10USD Fee per Change.

- When I make these pieces, I have the right to display these pieces on my Furaffinity Gallery or any other Social Media Platform. I have the right to use these pieces in promotional Material and such [Such as Price Sheets].

- You can and it is infact encouraged to upload these images to your own Furaffinity account or Bluesky just PLEASE follow the basics of artist and Commissioner etiquette and make sure to tag me in your uploads as :iconlg456*: on FurAffinity and @*nexusdeathclaw.bsky.social on Bluesky / @*NexusDeathclaw on Twitter (remove asterisks).


- As for Emergency Commissions, these are meant to be short and Simple Commissions that I can process from sketch to Final in less than a day, they will be Limited to 1 Character per piece and will have simplified Backgrounds.

- They Will be processed first before regular commissions are resumed


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


BLENDER ART:

- With my recent Dive into Blender Related Commissions, Blender Commissions will be alternated with Traditional Commissions [Blender - Traditional - Blender - Tradional]

- All Blender Pieces Will be rendered in 4K quality with Cycles Style of Rendering.

- All Dos, Dont's, and Maybe's also apply to Blender Commissions.

- Any "Complex" Characters [That being if it requires external plugins to functions] Will have a surcharge applied to it.

- Characters with FK Rigs will also be subjected to this surcharge.

- Renders will not start until the Payment has been made in full.

- WIP will be shown via In blender Screenshots.


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


PAYMENT:

- Payment will be done after the initial sketch has been made and confirmed by the Commissioner, it has to be paid via Paypal, and Paid in the USD equivalent.

- Before sending the Payment, please make sure to give me a heads up by messaging the Initials of your Paypal Account in Discord so I know that it is from you. When I receive the Ping that payment has been made, I will forward a phone screenshot, showing that the Payment was successful.

- As for Emergency Commissions [EMR COMM], Payment will need to be made upfront to help deal with Bills.

- Blender Commissions are to be paid before Rendering Starts.


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Dos:

- Males Characters
- Underwear [Specifically Briefs and Jockstraps]
- "Taboo" Kinks [Things that are considered taboo like MPREG, Fisting, Incest, Oviposition]
- Pinups
- Musk


Don'ts:

- Underage or "Cub" characters [You will be blocked]
- excessive Gore [But blood is fine]
- Scat
- Diapers
- weight gain [its an Uncomfortable subject]
- farting and or fart fetish related


Maybe:

- Some Mecha Designs [Aeromorphs are exempt][Discuss with me beforehand]
- more complex furry species [Discuss with me Beforehand]
- Female


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


By commissioning me, you are accepting the Terms and Conditions posted above and expected to abide by those Terms and Conditions, Failure to do so may result in cancellation of your piece or any future collaboration with me.

Thank you for reading the updated Terms and Conditions and I hope to receive that Commission Message from you soon!

Thanks.

NexusDeathclaw

Howdy

So to be completely honest, it is currently 1:30AM as of writing this and I am 6 vodka shots deep but lets go.

Tails of Terror 3 was this saturday until a couple of hours ago on sunday, and to say the least, it has been an absolute blast, being able to meet a bunch of new people, take photos of some peeps in some of the funniest costumes, (Including a crossdressing nun in puphood, smoking a ciggarette) ((And yes, I will post that eventually)) amongst other things.

I got to make some potential life long local friends and play Jackbox and Cards against humanity at my first room party, staying in a perfect hotel for a perfect event.

Special thanks to  Sharkacuga who I stayed with for the duration of this trip to Tails of Terror 3. He's been an awesome friend who even printed off some stuff before the event, I couldn't thank you and appreciate you more as a friend

Also thanks to my Loving BF  Goldenwolfpack99 for dealing with my drunk ass these past 2 days, I love you and forever will

And Finally, thank you to all who went to This years ToT, you all made it fun, and I hope to see you at either Furdu 2025 or ToT 4 next year.


Now for the love of god I need some sleep cause the hangover tommorrow morning is going to be insannnnnnnnnne.

*Big Deathclaw hug* I love you all

Alexander

Howdy

So its been around 2 months since the last post and a bit has changed, unfortunately, I relapsed back into smoking due to past trauma deciding to poke its ugly head recently, and another couple of depression dives.

Those depression Dives were so severe that it caused a Wellness to be filed from the institution I was studying at, The cops showed up at my house and to transported me to the Hospital after seeing how pale I was and the apartment a fucking pigsty, there I sat for 8 hours waiting to be called into the room to be assessed. And that time made me realise something.

I had these feelings ever since I lost my job working in a bar, when I was laid off due to redundancy. When they needed me for the Christmas rush, and then that was it. I was setting unrealistic expectations of myself, I grew bitter with myself, feeling like I wasn't being a cog in society that I was just some leech, relying on welfare because I lived in a bum-fuck nowhere town that had no jobs. I tried to deepen myself into this fantasy that If I went back to school, and became successful, that it would fill this hole.

Boy was I wrong

It just led to rabbit-hole of me constantly failing and shooting myself in the foot over the simplest of tasks like showing my work, and that caused me to shut down, I wanted to leave my mark on this world, be remembered as a visionary, as someone to look up to, but in the end, I was nothing more than a failure, a farcry of what I once was.

I relapsed smoking hoping that the effects of cigarettes would kill me since I was a too much of a pussy to tie the noose myself. I would've just rather sat there and let myself wither away in pain and suffering before I end it quickly and efficiently. I had stopped eating nearly as much, barely eating anything over a span of days. The only good thing that came out this is that I have shed alot of weight. I guess I see it as a good thing since I have always had issues with me seeing myself in the mirror and thinking Im huge, sparring from childhood bullying due to my weight when I was younger.

I guess it hasn't been getting better as of recent, I've been questioning my artistic talents, and even questioning if I should even continue art as a whole. Sometimes I wake up wishing I just died in my sleep so I wouldn't have to be here in this world anymore, and it certainly hasn't been getting better after I found out who My boyfriend was talking to again, painful memories tore itself that day that just made me wanna slice up my hand again in regret.

If your reading this part though, thank you, for sitting through and reading my 2am honest to myself ramblings and updates. I know I do get graphic, but I just realise that I need to be honest with myself and my audience at times.

and at the end of the day, Care more about yourself, Im just a Australian Nobody that doesn't deserve to be here at times

Alex

howdy, its been a bit since I last posted but some things happened.

I've noticed I've taken another Mental health dive, this one just like the others, just that blank, empty feeling you wake up and fall asleep with, Hours staring at the ceiling wondering why I am here and even If I deserve a spot here.... you know, the usual. With that said, I went to the doctors about a week ago, and they decided to trial me with medical marijuana for 2 weeks, that was about 4 days ago and I can see a noticeable change.

I feel like there's nothing to worry about, I don't have any anxieties, worries, nothing, I just felt this sense of bliss, something I hadn't felt in a while, I felt like I was alright for the first time in a while, like I was in my own lalaland.

Other than that, It has resulted in a steady motivation increase in art actually, its like Im actually able to sit down and draw, Im currently working on a comm but I have some quick pieces lined up after that to help boost the art I haven't been doing recently.

Other than that, I hope you all are doing well atleast.

*Big Deathclaw hug*

Alexander

<sup>Howdy

Before we step into this Journal, I need to prefice that it covers some deep stuff about me, mainly my current issues with handling BPD, PTSD, and Depression, It's also gonna handle heavy topics like suicide and death, I'm gonna have those parts spoiler-ed, but I prefice this, if you don't want to see them, or you are easily triggered by past events, even with it spoiler-ed, I recommend you turn back, this might not be the journal for you. Im just writing this to have it out there, something to write down, then scatter to the wind</sup>

Death, its an interesting concept to say the least, personally, I am fascinated by the concept, whether there truly is heaven or hell, or in the end, is it a stark black void that swallows us whole. But at the same time, I am terrified by the thought of it, and yet, at one point in my life, I decided to nearly let go it all, dive into it head first, and see what truly lied beyond what happens after we go.

Around nearly a year ago, as of writing this journal, I entered a deep depression, one of the deepest I had ever been, and for the first time in a while, I made an attempt to take my own life, I just remembered that melancholic feeling where the colour is taken away from your life, where everything appears to only show as a desolate shade of monotone. that feeling of letting go of everything, just that slow march towards the road, the sound of cars and buses rushing past only to be reduced to a deafening silence. and just that feeling of wanting to step forward, only to end up in the facility again, hooked on an atomic cocktail of anti-depressants and sleep medication.

and admittedly looking back at it now, it was such a horrible and selfish thing I could've done, but even then, when the colour fades and everything just turns to silence with peoples faces being reduced to nothing but blurs, you just sorta loose that connection with yourself and what makes you human, you just become this shell of yourself, a doppelgänger, a thing.

Thats what I saw, thats what this other version of me, this shell was. this person who could be perfectly fine one minute, then thrown into a blind rage the next, to just this slump of melancholy the next. I didn't realise it at the time and only recently do to a re-diagnosis, I had BPD, and its gonna stay with me my entire life, and that thought would end up destroying me. Its something that keeps up at night, staring into the ceiling.

And it still remains with me today, the thought dancing around in my head, mistakes that I have made in the past in that has hurt people. And unfortunately, even if I beg, and cling on to those people hoping that one day I can go back and just fix things and just go back to the way things were. I cannot, I cannot fix the past, I cannot just magically go back and do things differently, I cannot wish, because even if I try to fix things, those people you hurt are always left with a scar, and it serves as a memory, a dark one, one that cannot fade. Afterall, I have one, on my left hand, a reminder that I myself have hurt people in the past, because I didn't want to let go, because I was petrified at the concept of loosing someone I considered a friend, even though they didn't consider me one. A concept of being alone, A feeling I have experienced before, a feeling that I would never want to go back to, a feeling that terrifies me.

And although the damage had already been done, at the same time, my mind endlessly flicks back and forth between this acceptance and wanting to fix things. Like a Metronome.

So I turned to smoking, it was something that I did a while ago, when I was a teen, I just ended up relapsing and it was something that always comforted me when I needed it. However it was a bad habit I ended up taking, as it just deteriorated my already bad health, I just used it as nothing more than a coping mechanism to help deal with everything else around me, to help remedy the situation.

As of writing this journal, I have decided to not let this affect me anymore, this habit burning a hole in my wallet to the point where the money that I was using to buy commissions, would end up being used to purchase a pack of cigarettes. Its one of the biggest mistakes I have made in my life and I have made it my goal to quit smoking, I got a prescription for Nicotine patches to help with withdrawals. I want to live the rest of my life with the man I want to call my husband, I don't want to die at 50 because Cancer decided it was time to take me, I want to see what the world has to offer, I want to make something of myself, I want to be remembered as a visionary, not someone who died due to smoking.

So please, take this as a personal message from me, not as the big albino deathclaw, but as the man behind the monitor, take it from Alex, its not worth trying to fill that hole of emptiness, that feeling of loneliness, its not worth the toll your placing on your body just to feel something, don't ever smoke or if you are, try and get rid of it.

Because when it comes to life, its a desperate balance, its something we take for granted, its the single most complicated thing to us, and it can be taken away in an instant, whether it would be from our own brain, or cancer. Death is something we cannot escape, of course I want to live forever, I don't want to die, but in the end, all we can do is accept our slow march towards it, but atleast we have the friends, the world, and everything inbetween to help that feeling die down a bit. that feeling to stop every once in the while, and just look around, to just admire the beauty of this delicate balance, and to smile.

I know its something that I cannot properly put into words, because my opinion on it switches back and forth each day I live and breath, as I just relentlessly somehow try and conceive it as nothing more than a farce, then the next day to just smiling and accepting it, but its a very bittersweet feeling when I get to sit down and smile, a feeling that although things that have happen in the past has happened even if I try to deny it and attempt to fix things, there will always be days where I can accept things and smile.

And if those people I have hurt in the past, somehow stumble onto this journal of mine, to see how I am, whether I had gone feral or not, I want to take this time to remedy what I have done, to make the pain atleast hurt less. I want to apologise for clinging on, for begging, for just trying to push being friends to you even after what happened, when the scars had already formed. its something that I felt guilty for a while, when I was trying to remain whole and not dip into that feeling again. I'm sorry. I hope your doing better, even after what I have caused, even after the shit I put you through.

Alexander