SO this account isn't going anywhere. Not really sure what I'm gonna do with it yet o.o. I guess it could be my professional face of LittlePa.ws or somethin'... but anyway I digress. Back to the main point!

I have returned...

to...

!

Tried to draw for the first time since my blood clot a little bit ago. I made one circle, and my hand and wrist immediately started to stiffen and cramp up. Put on my arthritic glove, no change. I guess there are just some disabilities that can't be overcome.

May 13, 2014: I made my last drawing without knowing it would be my last.

I wanted to start off by saying something that I don't think I adequately stated, or at least clearly stated, in my last journal. The last few months have been incredibly difficult, and a number of you have reached out to offer help, support and love during these trials. To you, my former journal was not intended. To you, I am eternally grateful and I cannot thank you enough for everything that you've done. Everyday is definitely a struggle still, but if it wasn't for your help we wouldn't be where we are. So thank you, each of you, whether it was a donation, a kind word, or an advertisement.

Who I was alluding to were people that, to be honest, I don't know. I made it a policy when I started this account to watch everyone that watched me. I figured, why not return to love? See if I can make new friends? See if I can discover something new? While I don't plan on discontinuing that practice, it's given me a lot of journals to scroll through in my time away from this website and the fandom as a committed patron. A lot of what I see posted is anger, hatred, resentment, call outs, baiting, and the like. It's a trend I've noticed, a repetitive and continuous trend among journal writers and repliers. From people who post art and the people that respond to them.

Anyway, with all of that being said, said something that sort of struck me. It's a fair assessment, or at least an assessment that deserves credence, that a lack of involvement lets you see the bad much more than the good. When you're looking inside from the outside, and you've distanced yourself for whatever reason, that's what happens. I've sort of subconsciously pushed away the fandom, like I've subconsciously pushed away a lot of things. Will I be in this fandom forever? Who knows!? But I can say that giving it another shot isn't going to kill anyone and I want, more than anything, to have those warm fuzzies again.

How am I going to do that? Haven't figured it out yet. Hopefully something will become apparent soon.

Yours truly,
Libby

Perhaps it's just something that's always been there, and I'm just now noticing it as a spectator on the sidelines, but as I go through journals, submissions, and things that I see posted from littlefurs across the spectrum of ages, interests, etc.... everyone seems to be getting meaner. It's as if what I once saw in this community, a kindness and unity that stood above everything else, has sort of fallen into obscurity.

Naturally this account hasn't been as popular as any of my older ones (I only have one anthro OC now and older cubs have never really been anyone's bag around here) but this is coming from observations of what people with proper fursonas are saying and doing amongst themselves. Artists who were once kind have become more angry and aloof, newer entrants to various artistic mediums aren't any different. People that are having problems in their personal lives are attacked and mocked because they put themselves out there seeking support, and individuals are picking apart every word that someone says as a basis to try to destroy or demean them in some fashion.

The Internet has never been a kind place, I think that much can be agreed on, but when my avatar to the world was a small lop eared rabbit I remember seeing a lot more kindness and geniality on FA. Now it's just... become a very dark and heartless place. It's almost reached a level of toxicity that I'm not comfortable with anymore.

At any rate, just thought I'd throw these thoughts out there and see if anyone else had noticed the same trend. I do hope I'm wrong, and that maybe I'm just watching some invisibly connected string of compatriots in anger. Maybe I just missed it and the anger that surrounds the Internet as a whole has always been here. Anyway, feel free to comment and say your piece if you'd like.

I'm not really sure why, but every time I sit down and try to write this journal I come up blank. Either that or I just become incredibly frustrated and have no idea what to do or say. There's so much I desperately want to get off my chest, because I think it would make me feel better, but I don't even know where to start and, if I did, how to word it.

My brain has become this weird place where thoughts float, and problems that I used to be able to see as whole entities are now broken down into tiny ones. I used to know what courses of action were necessary to rectify those problems, but now I feel like I don't. It's sort of like all the branches on my bubble chart disappeared or broke.

What I can tell you is that I'm feeling hopeless, and that talking to anyone through the Internet right now feels impossible. Every time I try to get on Skype or say something my fingers just quit, and I close my computer. I can tell you that the plans we made to come here were useless because we can't get back home without Lucca having to push me up a lot of hills, and she just isn't strong enough for that. My body is in constant pain, by mid-day my feed and ankles look like balloons, and all I want is an adult. I feel like somewhere along the way I lost my voice, and though I can sit back and know that Lucca is suffering and can't do all this on her own, I don't even know what to say or do to get help for me.

Portland is lonely. Anytime spent without Lucca is lonely. I want whatever glue there was holding my mind together to come back, but Yaku ran away with it. There has to be someway to get real help but I don't know how to get it. I just hope that the people who need me can be okay for now because I can't be here. I can't be anywhere.

Love,
Jonathan

MWM in search of a grammar nazi to edit a training document in ODS format. Will have other things for you to "work on" in the future, if you'd like. This can be a casual one time thing or, if we get along well, we can take it to the next level. Reply if interested. XOXOXO

WELL I haven't really been replying to the comments on the other journals... but I PROMISE to change that with this one. This really is the last hurdle that we had to moving, even if it just cropped up today, which was alluded to in the last journal, and was resolved by the most... unexpected of resources.

So the doctor's visit today was a great success. Not only did she sign that paperwork for the office saying it was in my best interest medically to leave the complex, which they gladly accepted and are now allowing us to break the lease with no penalty, but she also filled out the Honored Citizen form for Trimet so we can use public transit to its full potential at an incredibly low cost. Unfortunately along with that came the mandatory report to the DMV that my Epilepsy is uncontrolled, which means my license is now revoked, and for the most part I handled it well.

It was sad, definitely, but after overcoming so many obstacles recently it just felt like a final bump. I knew that it would make the actual process of moving incredibly difficult, and I didn't know where to turn, but I decided to lay down, take a nap, and just cool off. I knew that, eventually, something would work out.

When we first moved to Corvallis, where we are now, we had to give away some things. This lady on Craigslist contacted us immediately and came to get it. She did the same thing for the next load. We had assumed that she was either a freegan, a hoarder, or maybe had a consignment store of some sort. So when we started paring things down to move to Portland, since she was still in my contacts, I contacted her first.

She was very excited to get things, came a few days ago for the first load, and then returned after my nap today for the second. She asked how we were doing and what was going on, and we explained.

This very kind lady scours Craigslist for her church. She finds things that people are giving away, grabs them, and gives them to people that need furniture and other goods. She hadn't told us before, and we hadn't been aware. Without even being asked, she immediately volunteered to move our remaining stuff up to Portland on the 1st, coming to grab it on the 30th and store it in the interim.

To say that that was the least expected place in the world to find the help we needed when we needed it most is an understatement. To know that there are still people in this world that have enough love in their hearts to help others is an amazing thing. With this overcome, I'm just absolutely thrilled. There are still going to be trials in the future, but this was the last hurdle.

Positive: All the paperwork we needed signed was signed by my doctor this morning. Thanks for all the well wishes.

Negative: My license has now been revoked. We have absolutely no way of getting our stuff/car to Portland.

Positive: We have a wonderful new studio to live in.

Negative: We're out of here in nine days and won't be in the studio for eleven.

Positive: I'm trying to stay positive.

Negative: It's... really hard to do that right now. At any rate, I'm going to go take a nap.

Hopefully money will rain from the heavens while I sleep, wheee!

While this won't come as much of a shock to those who view our lives from a pessimistic view point, we are moving again. Although this time there are several important reasons that it has to be done, most of which involve money and accessibility. As it currently stands we can't afford bare essentials like toilet paper, hygiene products, and the like, and since my seizures aren't under control my license is soon to be revoked. We are, figuratively speaking, up shit creek without a paddle regardless of what we do, but this at least puts us in a position to have a little money with which to buy hygiene related products in the interim, and in a place where we can access efficient and widely used mass transit, live on flat terrain where mobility will be somewhat less of an issue, and be within walking distance of every possible place we need to access to complete our daily errands.

We tried, as valiantly as we could, to accomplish several things. We wanted to keep our temporary room mate safe, but thankfully they decided, long before this, to move in with their partner. While timing is now becoming an issue due to unforeseen circumstances, we can only hope for the best. We also tried very hard to survive and make this work because we had a potential room mate for the future that was going to come, find a job, and help contribute. Unfortunately, for both us and them, waiting a moment longer just isn't conceivable or wise. While we've had a small handful of individuals give generously of themselves to help, our financial issues run very deep and will for some time.

So with all of that said we found a cheap place in downtown Portland. The downside is that it is a studio (less than 300 sq. ft. in size), which while fine for Lucca and I, makes it impossible to get a room mate or keep aforementioned future room mate. As a result we are giving away greater than nine tenths of our possessions in an earnest hope to fit what we keep into the Subaru which we will then subsequently store after unloading. Ironically, the cost of storing it is significantly cheaper than using it, particularly when you live in the heart of a city with few affordable parking options. Besides that, Lucca isn't able to drive and with my license being revoked, well... that's life I suppose.

At any rate, we will have a Japanese style floor futon at move in; tons of boxes and things to just sit in the corner and look pretty. We won't have anywhere to sit, per say, but I guess the wheelchair I got can now serve a dual purpose. I just sincerely hope that, at some juncture, something breaks and we're able to afford some much needed cheap storage and maybe a reclining love seat if we're lucky.

So yeah, that's about it. This move is definitely bittersweet. I've wanted to return to Portland for many years but never expected to do so in this physical condition. I also hoped, sincerely, that when we moved here we had found a place/town that we could reside in for quite some time. I guess that there are some battles best lost, and all you can do at the end of the day is hope for the best.

This news is going to upset several people, and I wish it didn't have to. For those people, all I can really say is that it's hard to explain what it's like to be 28 and falling apart. It's hard to be a "man" who, society tells you, is supposed to take care of his partner. I've failed in almost every regard, and that failure seems to perpetuate itself on a daily basis. All I ask is, please, out of respect for how much this hurts and how little I want to be moving under these exact circumstances, that you not say anything negative. That would truly be a blessing.

At this point I just ask that you all wish me luck at my doctor's appointment tomorrow. If she isn't willing to sign off on the form for me to become an "Honored Citizen" for Portland's Trimet program, or if she isn't willing to write a note to our present apartment complex about why moving would be beneficial in accomplishing several aims, then we're not going to be able to ever afford to take a bus or pay off our lease break fee which is rather exorbitant. If those two things can just go okay, maybe I can just treat this like an adventure and go on with my life.

Love you all,
Libby

P.S. We won't be online from May 30th until later in the day on June 1st.

100 Truths meme! As stolen from . The missing questions (80, 89, and 95) were kindly found by . Meme updated to reflect proper American grammatical practices.

THE BEGINNING:

001. Real name: Jonathan
002. Nickname(s): At present they are Libby or Lem. My old nicknames were Sesame, Nishi, Kung Pao Chicken, and Smuckers.
003. Zodiac sign: Aquarius
004. Gender: We'll just go with male and call it a day.
005. Elementary school(s): I attended Griffith, Mineral Springs, and Sedge Garden.
006. Middle school(s): I attended Atkins, Hill, and home schooled for eighth grade.
007. High School: I attended Southern Guilford, Gospel Light, Glenn, then dropped out.
008. Hair Color: My hair is a medium brown with some light, naturally occurring, red highlights.
009. Long Or Short: Medium to long with an eventual goal of long.
010. Loud Or Quiet: Quiet unless I'm around someone I'm intensely attached to, but even then...
011. Sweats or Jeans: I love jeans, they are vastly underrated.
012. Phone Or Camera: Phone
013. Health Freak: To some degree I have to be ^^;;.
014. Drink Or Smoke: I smoke but can't drink because of my medicinal cocktail.
015. Do You Have A Crush On Someone: I think Lucca and I are a little past the crush stage at this juncture.
016. Political orientation: Registered Democratic but Socialist in theory.
017. Piercings: None to speak of.
018. Tattoos: I've never had a desire to mark my body and have no plans to change that, but to each their own.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A(N):

019. Airplane: Several times.
020. Car Accident: Thankfully no.
021. Fist Fight: I have, although it's been a very long time.

FIRSTS:

022. Piercing: Oh gosh... I suppose I was about 20 or so, so about eight years ago. The holes closed up, though.
023. Best friend:
024. Instrument played: My first was a recorder but my first mastered instrument was the viola.
025. Award: I suppose when I became a Student of Distinction during college.
026. Crush: I'll never remember his name, but I vibrantly recall a boy in pre-school that I had the hots for. I chased him around in an attempt to kiss him but was pulled aside by the teacher and chastised. Apparently such behavior is inappropriate.
027. Language: English
028. Big vacation: Emerald Isle, NC.

MOST RECENTLY:

029. Talked to: Lucca
030. Texted: A real life friend named Sara.
031. Watched: Alice
032. Ate: Toasted bologna sandwiches.
033. Watched this movie: Instructions Not Included
034. Listened to this song: Fool on the Hill by The Beatles.
035. Bought: Boxes and packing tape.
036. Hugged: Lucca

FAVORITES:

037. Food: So many... I suppose if I had to pick a single item of food it would be salmon sashimi.
038. Drinks: Water and coffee.
039. Clothing: Whatever I can afford.
040. Book: Jane Eyre would rank highly but this is almost impossible to answer.
041. Color: Orange.
042. Flower: Any variety of orchid.
043: Music: Genre wise, 60's to 70's era rock. Band/singer wise I'm not really sure anymore, although The Beatles will always hold a dear place in my heart.
044. Movies: Anything by Kevin Smith or Quentin Tarantino. Although at the moment I'm rather in love with Frozen.
045. Shoes: Crocs and flip flops.
046. Subjects: Any of the humanities.

IN THE PAST YEAR, I:

047. [ ] Played Halo Reach.
048. [X] Celebrated Halloween.
049. [X] Had my heart broken.
050. [ ] Went over on minutes or data usage on your cell phone.
051. [X] Had someone questioned your sexual orientation.
052. [ ] Punched monkeys.
053. [ ] Became pregnant.
054. [ ] Had an abortion.
055. [X] Did something I regretted.
056. [X] Broke a promise.
057. [X] Kept a secret.
058. [X] Pretended to be happy.
059. [X] Met someone who changed your life.
060. [ ] Pretended to be sick.
061. [ ] Left the country.
062. [ ] Tried something I normally wouldn't like, and liked it.
063. [ ] Cried over the silliest thing.
064. [ ] Ran a mile.
065. [ ] Went to the beach.
066. [ ] Stayed single.

CURRENTLY:

067. Eating: Nothing
068. Drinking: Water
069. Getting ready to: Post this on FurAffinity.
070. Listening to: The Beatles.
071. Plans for today/tomorrow: Today I am watching Lucca pack if she does, and tomorrow I have my final appointment with my local PCP.
072. Waiting for: Aforementioned doctor's appointment.
073. Want kids: Very much so.
074. Want to get married: Absolutely.
075. Careers in mind: It will take awhile until I'm able to work again, if ever, but if that happens I'd love to do something in the non-profit industry.

WHICH IS BETTER ON A POTENTIAL PARTNER:

076. Lips or eyes: Eyes
077. Shorter or taller: Taller
078. Romantic or spontaneous: Neither
079. Nice stomach or nice arms: Stomach I suppose?
080. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive
081. Hookup or relationship: Relationship, although I'm currently engaged so... yeah.
082. Troublemaker or hesitant: How about decisive and thoughtful?

HAVE YOU EVER:

083. Lost your glasses/contacts: Only temporarily.
084. Ran away from home: Yes
085. Held a weapon: Yes
086. Killed somebody: No
087. Broken someone's heart: Yes
088. Been arrested: Yes
089. Cried when someone died: Yes, several times.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

090. Yourself: No
091. Miracles: No
092. Love at first sight: No
093. Heaven: I believe in the possibility being equal to the small possibility of reincarnation.
094. Santa Claus: I believe in the spirit behind the idea.
095. Sexy on the first date: I have no moral objections to it.
096. Magic: No
096.2. Ghosts: No, I believe in the power of the mind to create an imprint.

FINAL QUESTIONS:

097. Is there one person you want to be with right now: Yes
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life: No
099. Do you believe in God: I choose to believe in God.
100. Post as 100 Truths and tag five people: I don't feel it my responsibility to force a meme on someone, do it if it catches your fancy.

Yeah I don't like a ton of memes, but I'm OCD, so when one catches my eye I want to go all in >.>. Anyway, I traced Ari's to Cassy, then Cassy's to Rottie.. Apparently Rottie. got it from dA but can't find questions 80, 89, and 95. Any and all assistance would be appreciated! =D

... --- ... an OCD guy.

THIS IS THE SINGULARLY GREATEST DAY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!

http://www.hulu.com/watch/635233

The past little while has been hard, and I've, unfortunately, made little progress in not complaining about it. While I know in my mind that breaking habits is difficult for anyone, I also know that inevitably you have to. Habits aren't always bad of course, but anything that ends up harmful to yourself or others isn't a habit you want to have.

I've tried a lot of different ideas and strategies. I decided at one point that happiness was just a state of mind, that I could embrace that, but sadly that's a little beyond my reach at this point. I decided that my problems weren't any worse or better than anyone else's, which while true, still doesn't break the habit of anger and brooding. But I think that what I've discovered through all this, from all these attempts, from all these failures, from all the depression, from the PTSD, from the paranoia, etc., etc., is that anger may very well be the worst habit of all, and the root cause of so many others.

Anger is a rather simple emotion. It's something that so many of us have, focus on, or brood on. People are angry at me, and I've been angry at a lot of people. But really, at the end of the day, what does it accomplish? What worth is there in anger?

I can be angry all day that I can't walk, or that I'm not getting more donations, or that Furry A got a free commission and I didn't. It doesn't matter how big or small the issue is, what matters it that it's... rather senseless.

Are there dietary and exercise decisions I could have made earlier on that could have helped mitigate these conditions? Probably.

Is the guy who raped me at nine, the boyfriend that raped/abused me in college, the way I was treated there, and so many other unfortunate incidents the reason I have night terrors? Almost definitely.

Are the people that I've wronged in the past and who are ignoring me to this day, so much so that apologizing seems inappropriate at this juncture, in the right? Yes, but I can't change their mind about me and what I've learned.

Is every troll or person who has spoke ill of me or down to me worthy of my ire? Some would say so.

Is it unfair that some people can get money at the snap of a finger and fix all their problems, not having to worry about the consequences, while so many others suffer? Yes.

But I can't fix the past.

I can't fix any of that.

And at the end of the day, why should I be angry about any of it? No one is totally morally reprehensible, and no one is totally good. The same applies to situations, experiences, realities, favoritism, popularity, or anything else.

What really matters, what REALLY and truly matters, is that we forgive everything. We forgive ourselves, first, for being angry. We forgive others who are angry. We forgive an unfair world that feels awfully angry. We forget anger, we move on, we forge forward.

Your mind, your heart, and your soul aren't worth the energy and pain that anger can cause, no matter how legitimately founded it may be. So this is me, releasing my anger, and moving on.

If I have wronged you, I'm sorry.
If you have wronged me, I forgive you.
If you don't care, I still love you because you're human and you deserve to be loved.
If you don't like me that's fine, because not everyone has to like me.
If you love me and have stayed with me, then I'm eternally grateful and will always cherish you, even if I always don't know how to show it properly.

Farewell, anger. You have no place in my life anymore.

Thanks to two wonderful furs, I will have a pair of arthritis gloves in 5-7 days! So hopefully I'll be able to type again with at least diminished pain. Thanks so much for making a tiny thing come true!

After six hours in the ER, I was given a diagnosis of polyarthritis. Unfortunately the poly bit affects my fingers to a great extent, and makes typing very difficult. Because of the variety of drugs I'm on and the NSAID I take for muscular pain, there isn't anything they can give me in the mean time. At this juncture, all I can do is wait to see my PCP.

In the interim I will, unfortunately, have to take a self imposed break from the internet entirely. This just... didn't come at a good time at all. Not only is LittlePa.ws set to launch shortly, and now its day to day operations are out of my hands, but I have zero change of raising the rest of the money we need now. I just... well. I'll get over it someday.

Take care and see you all soon,
Libby

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I figured if there were small ways people wanted to help, considering how much people have opened their hearts recently and have been so kind, the best thing to do would be to make a wish list! Plus it gives me something to do until my wheelchair gets here XD.

Everything on this list either fulfills a medical necessity or helps mitigate costs over time.

1. As always, donations to my GoFundMe are appreciated! http://www.gofundme.com/8y0i4o

2. Plates! We live in a climate that has NO shortage of water, for those of you who are environmentally conscious, and because of how our apartment complex works our water bill is always the same (no matter how much or how little we use.) While we have an abundance of every other type of dish you can imagine, plates are another matter entirely. When you have to cook at home three meals a day and you only have four plates... well... that gets difficult. Color/design/pattern/used/new/whatever, doesn't matter.

3. Gas cards/gift cards! Getting to all of these medical appointments is rather expensive! And gas in Oregon isn't exactly the cheapest in the nation.

4. While we have found a wonderful community based organization that gives sanitary/cleaning supplies to those in need, and we will certainly use them, utilizing them... less would be appreciated? So anything from toilet paper to paper towels to feminine hygiene products, shampoo, soap, etc., are nice to have.

5. Local furs - A truck on May 30th @_@. We are moving from one apartment in our complex to a smaller one which saves us a ton of money, but we have no way of getting a few furniture items moved. These would be larger furniture items that won't fit in the back of our Subaru.

6. Local furs - MAN POWER! My counselor's assistant has kindly offered to assist us on moving day for a couple hours. Will that be enough time? I've no idea. We definitely can't afford movers and... yeah. >.>

Sort of a selfish desire but ya know... I don't NEED any of this and I'm not begging for it.

7. I guess... it's sort of hard to explain. When you can't go out to eat or buy anything but the bare essentials, when there's no form of entertainment, when the greatest bit of excitement you have in your life is Skype conversations it can be rather depressing. I mean, it's fine, there are a million people in my shoes and some in worse situations. I guess maybe an art piece or something. Maybe enough gas to drive out of town and see the stars. Maybe one night at a Motel 6 a few towns away. Just... something to break the monotony? If that makes any sense?

Want something for your money?

1. is doing a limited supply of sketches if you donate $10 or more to my GoFundMe campaign and I can verify payment as received. How long will this last? Not sure, but he'll go as long as he's able! Unfortunately prior donations are not retroactive.

2. is taking commissions to help!

3. is always open for commissions, although your wait time will vary a bit. Since she's my one and only all of our setbacks hit her as well so... makes it difficult to set a definitive or approximate date for commission completion.

4. You can DEFINITELY commission me for a story. I can type all day. As far as art goes, it really depends on the day. My energy, at this juncture, is sort of like an unpredictable tide. Drawing has always been draining for me so with the added medical issues... yeeeeeeee...

Thanks to the generous contribution of a close friend, a wheelchair is on its way! Not sure if they want to be named or not. Anyway, it's not just ANY wheelchair, it's brand new! ;~;.

Not really sure what I did to deserve that but I can never say thank you enough.

My last journal wasn't exactly the most glamorous moment of my life. I just thought with the way things went this morning and the way things have been going, well, life would sincerely suck. Thankfully this evening brought about some good news!

GoFundMe: I've reached $250! That means I'm only $450 away from my goal now! YAY!
Dog: Just got a call from the service dog breeder and there was a late cancellation. I'll have a dog in two weeks!

Moral of the story: Sharing your feelings isn't a bad thing. Maybe you should use a bit more tact than I did, but yeah... at the end of the day hope is never really lost unless you give up on it entirely. Sometimes life just has a way of working out in tiny ways even when everything else looks like shit. SO I'm going to keep sharing how I feel, my thoughts on life, etc., although they won't be quite as... emo >.>.

So I posted an ad on Craigslist and got a double whammy! While I still need to raise the aforementioned (via numerous journals) funds to train her to perform other functions, I will have a bright eyed and bushy tailed chocolate lab in October that will be a certified service dog for the seizure component. This very kind lady from central Washington called and let me know about what they do, talked to me about my conditions, and what they could do to help. They have specific dogs that they train entirely to be seizure alert dogs, even large breeds like chocolate labs. Once the parents are mated, I'll get photos of the parents and the litter's due date. Once the pups are born, I'll get a picture of all the females in the litter until six weeks when they dwindle it down to the one for me. From that point onward, except for two hours a day, she will be tethered to me for the rest of her life. This lets her create a codependency with me, and allows her to learn my routine, habits, and chemical processes much faster. As a result, she can be certified as a service animal from day one. Later on we can move on to mobility assistance, passing notes, etc. Regardless, I'm super excited.

The normal fee has been diminished to $200 for me due to my financial circumstances which is superb. And I've even picked out a name for my unborn angel, Atlas. I figured it was fitting, seeing as how she'll be carrying the weight of my world on her shoulders.

Anyway, wanted to share the good news. Hope you all are well!

Just something that, while it probably sounds emo, is more of a reflection than anything else. I wanted to throw it out there for anyone that ever has to go on this stuff.

"It's a blood clot," the doctor said, analyzing my results. I had known it was, a hard lump that was warm to the touch. What else could it be with my family history and genetic malformation? "Just take this chewable aspirin and it'll dissolve. It's nothing to worry about." Nothing... that's what they told mom. It's what they tell a lot of patients with blood clots. To be honest, for a lot of them it is nothing. Then again, for a lot of them it is something.

I was granted foresight into the matter, walking my mother through so many, so I was able to see the signs and symptoms well before anyone typically would. Most people would think it was an insect bite, or perhaps a hive; a lump that was irritated and giving off heat simply because it was irritated. I knew better -- I knew exactly what it was. The sad thing is that you don't even have to have a genetic mutation to throw a clot. You can get it from a lack of mobility, sitting a lot, smoking, being obese, or being over a certain age. You can even get them for no apparent reason at all. I'll never forget the story about the journalist, the one that flew to the Middle East. He was an avid runner and health nut. He sat constrained on a flight for so long that he formed a clot. He stood, he walked awhile, the clot dislodged, and he was gone instantly. It's a silent killer that can come for anyone.

The next night I watched my arm swell, I saw that the clot had moved. I went back to the ER and stared into another doctor's eyes. "It's impossible," he said. "The chances of a superficial clot in the arm becoming a DVT are next to none." Naturally, I had been right about that too. I had seen my mom go through it, I had experienced enough. He gave me my Lovenox injection, told me to come back for more. The next night a mistake was made, the next day the mistake rectified with twice the Lovenox and Coumadin. I had prepared myself for the symptoms, had prepared myself for the possibility of it happening to me, but there were so many things mom hadn't told me, things I wasn't aware of.

I always knew that most blood thinners, in particular Coumadin, were built on the same compound as rat poison. Of course it's a diminished amount that carries no substantial risk to humans when monitored properly, other than an increased risk of bleeding. Despite the lowered dose it does its job well, perhaps too well; your blood thins and it thins quickly. If you thought you knew what vertigo and dizziness were before, you truly weren't prepared.

To explain the level of weakness that you feel... the level of exhaustion... it's difficult. It doesn't matter what cocktail of medications they have you on, and I'm on my share. Each of them carry the side effects of dizziness and lethargy. Together they have always made it difficult to get through a day without a nap. I always complained about it, thought it was the worst thing that could happen in the way of side effects, but this bluffs them all.

It's a total, intractable, seemingly endless lack of energy. It's the sort of feeling that you imagine death is like, or being very old. It's a frailty, something akin to being a porcelain doll. Doing something as simple as going to pee seems improbable; anything beyond that impossible. You feel, as your blood has become the consistency of water, as if whatever force allowed you to live and keep going in the first place is completely gone. You're hungry, constantly, but as soon as you get food you're too tired to eat it. Even if you have extreme agoraphobia and fear of people, you realize that you are trapped in a cage. All you want is to escape, to see the sun, but you can't walk two steps without almost tripping or collapsing. Your skin becomes pale, your eyes burn, and even if you were afraid of needles before you're too weak to care anymore. You don't even feel the sting of the medicine when you're too weak to remember what it's like to be alive.

So please, take this not as me asking for sympathy, but as a warning of what this can do to you. Take this as a reason to be cautious, to change your life. Take this as a reason to get on a daily aspirin regimen if you're able, and to exercise and stay mobile. There are many levels lower than Alice fell, and none of them are nearly as pleasant as the zenith of her discord.

Anytime I've ever really attempted to raise money here, it's ended in failure. However, with my health problems increasing, I now realize that what was once a desire to have a service dog to improve is now more of a... near requirement. I found a great training group that offers grants for the training itself, but this grant doesn't cover the application fee or the remaining $400 necessary for the training program (which is well over 2k before the grant.) I also need to start looking for a larger breed dog with a calm temperament, make sure that they've had their shots and are fixed (if need be), etc. So right now I am making a fundraising challenge of $700.

For the purposes of transparency, here are my medical conditions, how they affect my everyday life, and how a service dog would be beneficial...

Medical Conditions

Arthritis (left knee)
Bipolar disorder
Chronic medicinal related lethargy, dizziness, and vertigo.
Epilepsy
Factor V Lieden deficiency
Generalized Anxiety
Major Depression
PTSD

How they affect my day to day life

Factor V Lieden deficiency, for those who aren't aware, is a genetic mutation that increases the likelihood of developing blood clots. I found out a couple of weeks ago that I had this same gene mutation that my mother shares, and as a result I will be on Coumadin (Warfarin) for the rest of my life. What is Coumadin you may ask? It is a blood thinner that is built on the same compound as rat poison. While effective in what it does, it requires a lifetime of consistent blood work and maintenance to ensure that your blood remains within a specific scale of thinness. If your blood becomes too thin, that could potentially kill you. If it becomes too thick, your changes of developing a clot increase dramatically. I will easily bruise, and even the tiniest cut could cause heavy bleeding.

Since I have generalized anxiety and PTSD, I am afraid of a lot of things. One of those things is blood, and I have a tendency to faint at the sight of it. Fainting and having a brain injury on an anti-coagulant (see Coumadin) is NOT a good thing. In fact, it's a very bad thing. In addition to that, my PTSD and generalized anxiety make it difficult for me to leave the house without an incredibly amount of stress and panic. In particular, my androphobia (fear of men) and agorophobia (fear of people) combine with everything else to make even a casual trip to a shop a journey of horror, despair, increased dizziness, and exhaustion. While exposure therapy, which I'll be starting soon, hopes to mitigate that, exposure therapy is not a definitive cure.

While arthritis in the left knee does little more than make that joint swell and cause pain, it does necessitate that I use a cane a lot. Because of said pain and difficulty in moving my knee, in combination with my chronic medicinal related dizziness, lethary and vertigo, I have an even higher chance of falling than average. That in addition to the other risks above associated with what could happen if I fell would make a service dog invaluable.

Major depression and bipolar disorder are exactly what they are, and many of you, if not all of you, already know. As such, I'll spare you the details. Epilepsy, however, is something that not everyone knows about. Epilepsy is "a brain disorder that causes people to have recurring seizures." While my medication keeps me from having grand mals for the most part, I've only had one while on Keppra, I do still have the occasional petite mal and fairly common absence seizures.

How can a service dog help?

A service dog doesn't just offer emotional support, decreased anxiety, and companionship. A service dog, when properly trained, can help in many different ways. A service dog can be trained to sense a seizure before onset, giving you sufficient warning and time to get to a safe area. A service dog can sense when you are having a panic attack, and lead you out of the situation that is causing you to panic. A service dog can guard you while you are having a seizure, and make sure that no one who isn't supposed to doesn't interfere. A lot of people have beliefs that you should hold down a convulsing person or press a spoon down on their tongue. Not only should neither of these things never be done, they can also be detrimental to the person having the seizure. If a seizure lasts too long, the service dog can deliver a note stating that medical assistance is necessary. If I were to collapse and pass out, or begin to bleed and faint, a service dog could also deliver a note stating that I needed immediate medical assistance. A service dog for me, and for the millions that have one, is a way to make a life full of disabilities a livable one. It means regaining independence, it means not having to be afraid, it means making sure that you are properly treated medically when need be, and most importantly it means that you have a friend to be with you through the ups and downs of life.

In summation

So while I know that this is asking a lot, and $700 certainly isn't a small amount of money to raise, this is something that I have to do. This is something that I have to do for myself, and something that I have to do for my fiancee so she doesn't have to worry. I have a slue of bills I can't afford, even trying to figure out how to get toilet paper on a monthly basis is a challenge, but I'm not asking for help with that. What I'm asking from you, from each of you, is a chance to live life as best as I am able.

Thanks for your consideration.

http://www.gofundme.com/8y0i4o

I just... can't even fathom anything right now. I'm not going to drop all my problems here because I'm trying desperately to be optimistic like I have been, but with each passing day that's becoming more and more difficult. Anyway... yeah. I can barely move my arm. I'm on such a high dose of blood thinners that I feel like I'm just a sheet. I can barely move or wrangle up the energy to type.

Woke up this morning and noticed the swelling in my arm has diminished a lot! The pain is even much more tolerable, so good things all around! I'm staying optimistic, but there is ONE tiny reality that I need to overcome and that's a tank of gas. Because of all the ER visits this week, the upcoming visit to the Coumadin clinic on Monday, a follow up with my doctor later in the week, etc, I REALLY need to make some gas money. Since my standard commissions aren't selling, here's what I'm offering...

DISCLAIMER: Right now I don't feel comfortable over taxing my right arm so I'll be drawing with my left. I've never drawn with my left, although I know I can't write with my left. So I'll work hard, do my best, give you as quick a turn around as is humanly possible,

Each slot is for one character, flat color. They are $5 each because, let's face it, a left handed drawing isn't going to be up to my normal standards ^^;;.

1. (left hand)
2. (left foot)
3. (right foot)
4. (mouth XD)
5. EMPTY
6. EMPTY
7. EMPTY
8. EMPTY
9. EMPTY
10. EMPTY
11. EMPTY
12. EMPTY

So the goal? $60! That's one tank of gas. Just comment below with a reference and send your payment to lemahnayd[at]yahoo.com via Paypal! Thank you SO much in advance if you participate ^^.

The clot dislodged, and despite the near definite impossibility of a superficial blood clot in your arm becoming a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis), mine decided to do just that! So I went to the ER, had a shot of Lovenox, go back to the ER tomorrow to get another shot, and then go to the Coumadin Clinic on Monday where they will decide whether to keep me on Lovenox or switch me to Coumadin, and I will be on whatever anti-coagulant they please until the day I die ^^. I suppose there are worse things than having rat poison coursing through your system!