[6:59:25 PM] Angelous Mortis: All the love <3
[6:59:39 PM] Seian Verian: Yes... All of it :3
[6:59:45 PM] Seian Verian: And more~
[6:59:49 PM] Seian Verian: And then more to spread around :3
[7:00:02 PM] Seian Verian: Because it's love :3


No, seriously. I'm the most absurdly lovey fluffydragon any of you will probably ever meet. Any one of my friends could tell you this.

Well, uh. I have one now. Decided to make one for whatever reason >.>;

http://www.f-list.net/c/seian%20verian

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Not for any one thing. Just for being who you are. For being wonderful, and sweet, and brilliant... For being people I can love. Some of you return the feeling, some of you feel differently, but all of you have helped me so much. You have not only given me reason to live, but you have also given me so much will and strength... You are everything. You are worth more than the entire world to me.

I will rewrite the entire world for you. You will never die, though you may get a break... I will never leave you. I will never stop caring, and I will never stop fighting for you, because you are everything. I feel sorry for everyone who does not have this feeling... But I will strive to do what I can to return it, to make you feel it... I do not have the words for it.

I'm just... Crying in joy, just from the sheer strength of all of this. Nothing I can say will do it justice. Thank you.

So. I don't normally like posting rant threads here, but... Well, I don't really know what to do. I'm not in a very good situation. So I'm going to try putting this up here too... No idea if anything could POSSIBLY come of it, but... Well, we'll see?

Right, so… It seems my life thus far has been nothing except dealing with and becoming disillusioned with hurtful environments.


Granted, the one I’m now is a fuckton better than being with my mother. Don’t get me wrong. And I KNOW that many if not most people are worse off than I am in many ways. Unfortunately, I don’t deal with these things well, emotionally. I, personally, am a fucking wreck. And what I’m dealing with does not help.

Materially, I’m not poorly off. No, I don’t get any money whatsoever to spend personally on what I want. I can’t buy snacks, games, movie tickets, even meals at restaurants for myself. But I still have living expenses (in a large and rather good house), medical expenses, all of that paid. And I get some internet access, even if it is arbitrarily restricted.


I also am getting an education. I’m going to a community college and doing well in my classes. I probably WILL be able to in the future get advanced degrees. This is a very good thing and I do not underestimate its value in the least. It’s extremely important.
Unfortunately, emotionally and socially I’m not doing well.

I do have a counselor, yes. I will be getting a psychiatrist again, and those both help.

However, those in the end only do so much. I’m a damaged person who in theory can fix himself, but in practice is still, well, damaged. Hurting. Constantly. And my home environment is actually making that worse.


I am not aggressively insulted, I am not physically harmed, I am not exploited, I am taken care of with no gain to those taking care of me. I am also not respected by those taking care of me.


The parental figures of this household, while more open-minded than many people, still treat those they disagree with as inferiors, and there are many subjects in which we do not fully see eye-to-eye. Again, there are not aggressive insults. They’re not even directly overt, I’d say. …However, they are very clear, and I frequently feel uncomfortable and even attacked when talking to them.


I have had my friendships with those I truly love online utterly trivialized and treated as false, despite that they are the only reason I still even cling to life. The only real source of emotional support I have is treated as fake, an aberration, an addiction. This hurts.


My sexuality and the sexuality identity of others is often joked about in such a way that frequently makes me distinctly uncomfortable, by the mother figure of the household. She acts like she’s tolerant, but she still says things that are disturbing. She’s also made clear that she has notable negative attitudes towards men- And while I understand in this society there are many problems that easily could lead to it, there’s something to it that still makes me distinctly uncomfortable when I think to it.


I have been told that my emotional development, self-control, and ethical understanding are equivalent to those of a twelve year-old by both parental figures. Even my counselor, who works with ethics, agrees that the reasons for their claims are absolute bullshit.


Now, why are these such a problem? It may seem a bit blown out of proportion. And nobody is perfect, after all.

It’s a severe problem for me, personally, due to the circumstances of my mind. I have very little self-worth, and what semblance I have is extremely fragile. And these people have on different occasions attacked the very foundations of myself as a human being, consciously or not. They are harming my emotional state, which has been in such a place that I have contemplated suicide more than once- And, in fact, generally do on some level want to curl up and die at any given time.


These people also are those I interact with most regularly in-person. I don’t even have anyone I would truly call a friend, offline. I have some friendly acquaintances, but no friends. My only confidant is my counselor. My regular interactions have little depth and little respect for myself as a human being, and I don’t even have a basic understanding of how to form friendships, and probably even shy away on some level out of a general fear and dislike of people.


The only people that I truly care about and respect, and who feel the same for me back, are online. And I have no physical contact with them, and they have next to no influence on my overall situation except to provide a baseline of emotional support to keep me from utterly collapsing.


This situation is not good for me. I have been feeling uneasy for some time now, and during the entire time I have been writing this, I have been crying. I do not say this only to seek sympathy, but more importantly to show understanding of how incredibly hurtful this has been to me.


I also see no feasible escape. I have no friends that I can move in with, no family that can take care of me and would provide a better situation. I would not survive in a group home or the like, without internet access or being medicated until I lose my sense of self. I refuse that.



So… I need help. I don’t know if anyone can give it to me, at all. Especially with the many complications surrounding my situation that I don’t even understand the details on. But where I am now is not truly a good place for me. I cannot approach the people who are harming me directly about this. I have too much fear of conflict, and I don’t think it would actually fix any of the problems. I’m hurting, severely, and I don’t know how to stop being hurt.


So… Please. Anyone. Help me. Even if all you can give is some advice or even further support. I don’t know what to do.

My wonderful friend Luc drew this picture here, and wrote a good bit on it: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8650338/

As he feels the message should be spread, so do I.

I curse the name of YHVH, of Allah, of whatever being might watch over the world and allow or inflict suffering for its own ends or amusements. I renounce my given name, whose meaning praises such a being. I will not accept what occurs... I will not accept that those who cause no others harm are judged and condemned for their feelings or simply what they are. I will not lie down as I see others suffering.

Though my name given is Joshua, that is not who I am. Its meaning is nothing to me anymore. As my choices rather than my birth define who I am, so does the name I choose represent me. I am Seian Verian, Hero of Truth. I will rise above the chains of deceit, bigotry, cruelty that bind this world... Even the chains of humanity itself. And I will bring others above too. I will find knowledge, understanding of what is around me, and I will help others to find it as well... Though I yet know nothing, I yet can learn. And I will not allow those around me to be bound by ignorance.

No matter what happens... I will never give up on those I love, or on the future. Never. Powerless and ignorant though I am, I will rise above, and so will they. Even if I must fight a hopeless battle to surpass a cruel god, or the world itself, never will I simply give in and fall to oblivion, no matter how sweet the temptation may be. And when I reach greatness, it will not be by bringing others down, but by bringing them up.

Such is my promise. To myself, to the world, to those I love... That I will never give up.

Anyone who needs commissions or just wants to help somebody out may want to take a look at this journal by  dinosaurdammit http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3575305/

She's in desperate need of funds with her family going through a very rough time, and could use anything you could do to help.

If you actually care in the slightest and want to read more emo whiny teen angst crap, do so. If not, then… Well, consider yourself warned.

---

So, let me go into just how very broken I am. I have minimal capacity for positive emotion. I honestly believe that. I can feel kind of excited, or think something’s cute and want to hug it, even obsess over it a bit. …But it’s really not much, in the end. Being slightly above “content” is equivalent to being fucking ecstatic for me.

I DO have very strong empathy. Like, incredibly strong, I nearly want to die over making someone upset. But, that actually ties directly into my problem.

90% of my emotion is directly related to despair and longing. The inability to stand things as they are, the desire for something different, the hatred of everything that I am. I basically have no self-worth. I can notice my intellectual capacity, and my talents, due primarily due to outside praise. Yet, even at the highest moods, the best of times, I don’t think I have ever, EVER been able to say with certainty that I was even worthy of notice, much less care.

I open myself up to people so quickly, wanting desperately to help, to be there and know what’s wrong… But at the same time, that’s only the surface. The moment I meet someone, if I don’t despise them, if I connect with them at ALL, I will very nearly be completely opened up, giving near the full depth of my trust, care, and esteem. This is precisely because I have so little positive for me, that I have to give it ALL, or basically nothing.

What can I begin to do about this? I don’t even have the slightest clue. I’m not even… I can’t even feel entitled to my despair. I’ve never been truly beaten, I’ve never been raped, I’ve never been through any experience that has any right to break someone. I was spoiled rotten as a kid, even if I was surrounded by deceit and lies.

I know everyone has different levels of emotional sensitivity. I know that someone always has it worse, and that doesn’t invalidate problems. I know all of this… And yet, I have so little in comparison that I can complain about. So… What? My true potential was stifled? What about all the people who’ve had it completely obliterated, never to be seen again, cut short without the slightest inkling of what they could have been? I feel like I just… It’s not just less trouble than others’. It’s completely insignificant. I have no right to be so broken, and I can’t even take solace in self-pity.

When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back… I can’t help feeling that the abyss is my soul itself. How can I make something brighter when its very core is so dark?

Okay, I admit it, I REALLY just wanted to get that damn SOPA thing off of my userpage.

...But I don't have much of anything to say.

So... Yay for Pathfinder? *random*

So, I don't normally do things like this. I tend to be silent about a lot of things, not feeling ready to speak up. However, this time, being silent isn't enough. Even speaking up isn't enough. But something DOES need to be done.

I'm sure people here have already heard about SOPA/PIPA. Basically, it's a bill going through Congress here in the US that, if passed, would allow the entertainment industry to take entire sites down based on even a single link or image that "infringes" upon some sort of copyright. Any image of a Disney character, or video of a piece of music... Near anything that isn't originally created by the person who posted it, would fall under this.

However, the bill itself isn't the problem in the least. Those who supported it are, and they continue to show themselves to be so.

Megaupload has been taken down on piracy charges. http://techcrunch.com/2012/01/19/me.....y-allegations/

The Supreme Court has ruled that Congress can re-copyright works that are in the public domain. http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/.....main-works.ars

All of this is happening right as people around the world are lashing out against SOPA. The United States government is asking for revolt, and they're getting it. For a period of time, Anonymous took down fbi.gov, as well as the RIAA's site and others.

However, still more needs to be done. People can and should read through http://maddox.xmission.com/ for ideas on how it can be.

This seems a silly place to be rallying a cause, even trying to get people to do more than just rally. However, what is going on, what still could go on, affects all of us, and likely many others of our friends. I wanted to bring this to people's attention, and help them understand what's really going on.