so, about yesterday/lastnight/EARLY this morning, umm soo a few days ago (like just at the end of last week) my daddy in SC ordered me some diapers, and he said they should be reaching me tomorrow, im very excited about this. I cant wait to get them! on another note, my mama  AzzuenSwiftpaw is making me do 2 enema's on video chat tonight for umm well i'm not fully sure why tbh, but oh well shes my mama so what she sais goes, Ive been doing a lot of thinking about, the stuff I said in my journal "i miss it.....maybe too much?" and, ive come to realize that while its, every word of it, another part of the problem was me.

id gotten soo wrapped in missing what I liked most that id started distancing my self from those I longed for it from, and well I really tried not to I really truelly did, I tried joining in, others told me I was too reclusive and stuff but I swear to god and goddess I tried to join in but every time I tried, I got either ignored or yelled at or told I was causing some kind of drama, so I just kinda gave up, in truth, by "i just kinda gave up" I mean, I just gave up rping, I dropped out, and just stopped all togeather so, I really don't actually truelly know HOW to rp any more, I cant get the ideas or the sencarios any more, It just dosnt come to me like it used too. I tried to think of it after a while as if the rps were just another form of story I was writing, I mean, afterall, people take their rp's and turn them into stories, why cant it work in reverse right? well I tried that too, and I was told flat out, I was a lazy role player, I have tried many things to get back into it but I just cant seem to.

i know im just kinda rambling on but also, at the end of the other journal i miss it.....maybe too much? i said, only a very few amount of people would reply, and it would just go to show ou all just how overlooked i am, well guess what. out of that, i only got 2 replys, that whole thing, and i mean i know some other people read it, just ddint reply but still, if they had read it they would have realized that the last big was kinda a plea to have them reply to make me think i was wrong, but, again only 2 people rplyed. but back to ther stuff

also, ive quite volunteering, its too much stress, and well i just don't need that right now, i have soo many ideas and plans and stuff, i still know what i like, i just, cant put it down, soo,  BabyStar has been doing a comic called shine, and in truth, her and i have some very major similarities, we were both military brats, and we are both striving to make our fathers proud of us, only diff is, it seems like shes doing a good job, and well no mater how hard i try, i just can never make the cut, so that's why im leaving the old family behind and what not, beocuse they don't seem to actually care, its why im going to sc. any way

ive tried time and time again to....to get closer to others but then other things just happen and get in the way, and it turns out wrong, i wanna just, cut off from the world for a few days, but....i cant, because i know that if i do, theres a few people who bug me every day and stuff that if i leave for a few days and come back they will just cause me even more stress than what i already had and in truth i cant handle it. i want to be there for every one ir eally do, but some people are just...tooo clingy and they wont let me go and its suffocating me. its....like im over dosing on belladonna. and its constricting my airways and making it hard to breath, there are atleast 2 people right now who are being llike this to me, and i wont go and name any names but im sure they know who they are. and guys, if you read this, don't....don't take it the wrong way i love you, i do, but i....i just need my space. ive got.........some what, of a web of things going on that i m stuck to it my self and my own black widow is comeing closer and closer to take me guys, i cant freaking see straight with all fo the stress

i try to be a good pup for every one, i try to be good, i try to do what im told, i try to be there for you but sometimes, there are just some battles you have to fight on your own, and some battles, you have to confront them before you can figte them. don't fight your battles threw me, its trearing me apart. im so torn between, what i want and what i need that everthing goes black......

i try to talk to my daddy, and my new brothers and sisters but the thing is im spread too thin and its like a game of tug of war played by a coupble of Dobermans and wolves and pit bulls that i cant fucking help every one and i cant distress couse im staying up late at night past my bed time to be there for every one and.....im soo busy being there for ev ery one ime even pushing my own mate away, and its making me feel alone and cold i don't have a relese guys, i don't have one and i need one. i don't know how many more journals like this ill be posting, i really don't, i just hope i can find this mushroom cloud's silver linning before it destroys me

soo thing is, when I first started out as a furry, I was....well I don't really know what I was, then I got into diaperfurs and thought it was kinda cute and stuff, and its kinda evolved and stuffs. well over the years ive come to meet many new people, many of whom, such as  AzzuenSwiftpaw and many others like  Shyanne I have come to accept, and be grateful and honored to call my family, but as time goes on, I fine my self meeting many new people still, but, when I introduce these people to my family like azzy, they start to play with them and in turn also somewhat become part of the family, that's not what gets me tho, what DOSE is, I end up finding out that, when they play, the newcomer if you will often gets to enjoy the same small treatments I enjoyed, small "catch me if you can" games and the tiny things like being swatted on a padded rump with a newspaper, at the time seemed so trivial and meaningless, now that I find these "newcomers" are getting this, I find my self missing it much more than I had ever thought in the first place. I mean? really something as small as say, getting your nose swatted for fibbing or getting your rump swatted for running away and shouting "im not adorable" didn't seem to matter back then but now, I miss it like more than anything else in the world, and then, because I miss it so much I end feeling left out or some how neglected.

I don't want to feel neglected, I try to participate, I swear I do! I umm I tried to participate in what baby newyears lure was wearing all day on jan 1, of this new year, ive tried to support some of my older friends with some minor problems they seem to be having, ive gor my self a new mate whos never really yiffy and im cool with that, im not very yiffy my self any more, but at the same time, I know im nto really the same fox I was when I came into the fandom, and I cant help but wonder if I were to step back, and I don't know, try to be llike I was when I started out, would that help me get back those old things that I miss so much?

answer is, a big fat NO! ive tried, I tried everything, even starting my whole fursona back from scratch the end result is an (in my opinion) adorable arctic vixen with snowflakes on her shoulder, back and thigh, and blue eyes with gold and pink specks in her eyes, and I just cant seem to get it all back, I mean, what will it take, to get that back? I have honestly tried everything, even reverting back to old habbits in rps of painiting, mixing herbs, playing instrements, and many other things but nothing seems tog et it back, is a simple small "lil one" or a swat on the rump with a rollded up mag or news paper really too much to ask!?

*sighs* I sometimes just sit in the dark in rp channels I visit all the time, and watch others rp and play, and wish to god and goddess that, when I join in maybe playing with a train set, or maybe just trying to get some cookies down, that I don't have to make something go horribly haray before some one finnaly notices me, IM BLOODY RUNNING OUT OF MINI TRAINS TO BLOW UP PEOPLES! and also, really guys is it really to much to ask just, for 1 day that, I don't have to I guess fight with some one else to get some attention, im tired of getting spanked for making timmy feel bad couse he was hogging my mama! she was mine first afterall and I know it sounds selfish and I wont lie, I feel selfish for doing it I really do, but well what else can I do?

I try every day, and then I don't get noticed, yet llet some one crawl under the sofam and then a care taker drags then out by their tail and starts petting and cooing at them about how sweet and precious they are, well im doing LOF's off the dang second floor balcanys and I still don't get seen, what will it take? I log off for a few days, then come abck and get like 500 pms of "where have you been we missed you" and then I said it was a minor break for stress, theny say oh okay, then I go ina nd say im back and im lucky if I get so much as a wave! guys really, I feel very left out, and I want to join in, I try to join in but some how im always over looked.

I just want my mama to do some minor playing with me like she used too, like shed hold me and say im cute, id say no im not and run off and then shed sniff me out and I don't know, swat my rump or maybe bop my nose and tell me im adorable and she just wants some lil foxi snuggles again, really guys, is it really so much to ask? *sniffles and looks down lowering my ears* I try so hard and never get noticed any more, Im sure, out of all the people who watch me, only maybe 2 or 3 (if that many) will comment on this journal by the end of tomorrow afternoon. and it just goes to show how much I really am over looked....any way, I just want some time with my mama back, that's all. just some time to play with her in the garden like we used to do. is that really so much to ask?