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Things are so difficult and confusing :/
Posted 10 years agoI don't really expect anyone to read this at all..
I remember I joined the fandom around when I was 14 and I was so excited, it was something new.. interesting, exciting, so many people seemed to have similar ideas and everyone was so supportive of anything and I loved it, I made lots of friends, had about 140 people+ on my Skype and I was talking to them all the time.
At the time I really needed this sort of thing, I had been moved between countries from a young age... my family arrested for kidnap in front of me... emotional blackmail off my mom it had me in bits
Sadly it got to a point where I felt like I was intruding on people every time I spoke, short answers and lack of interest being one of the top ones I noticed.
I did eventually end up joining a furry chat site where I made lots of friends, I became a moderator and eventually an admin.. I had lots of people looking up to me.. came to me for advice and although deep down it hurt to hear all the sad stuff.. it did make me smile when they thanked me for the help and things picked up. I did also have my fair share of people showing interest in my life and my heart to which many fucked up...toyed with me and led me on only to discard me or lie to me, numerous ones filling "voids" that I could help with because their other half didn't and when they did I was no longer needed.
After a year at the site most of the 140+ friends I had originally only around 10 of them had sent me a single message, the rest either disappeared, deleted me or just never spoke and it hurt to see I had put so much effort in those friendships to just realize I was nothing to them. I did also end up losing my admin title due to several of the moderators ganging up on me and eventually I was forced out of the site so no longer had the ability to help people where I could.
Since then my real life... in 2012 I had an accident which about a 600kg container landed on my hip, I did mostly jump away but it just managed to hit me on the side, this left me in agony for 2 months but I pushed through it, I worked everyday doped on painkillers because I didn't want to show the physical pain and after that it died down, in 2013 December 17th I was getting dressed in the morning and I collapsed, I got rushed to hospital and put on "tramadol" which is a strong painkiller and I still take that to date..
Due to the accident and me off work for 2 occasions they made me redundant.. I went from a 30k $ job a year to about 14k $ which... destroyed me I couldn't afford to do much of anything, my bills constantly taking most of what I had and the hours that they threw me on, they changed my shift pattern almost on a daily basis which on most days meant I was getting around 3 hours sleep a night and this did result in 1 crash in my car and the other a very close one, I moved to another company after that which was an extra 1k a year but again it was a long drive away and the hours were awful.
During all this time my irl friend that I had who lives at the other end of town seemed to always be too busy to hang out with me, constantly I wanted some time with him.. some support emotionally which I wouldn't tell him I kept quiet about that and time after time I was shifted to the side because he had a girlfriend, he even said at one point she was more important to him now and although he is still a friend to me that really really hurt to hear...
Luckily enough my life is starting to turn around a little bit, I finally found a better job, it starts off at 12k $ a year but its a trainee job and by year 4 I will be on around 40k $ a year so that's something to look forward to.
I still have people who I keep meeting, hanging out with, getting on with really well whether that is in real life or from an online setting and they do put a temporary smile on my face but time after time after a few days.. few weeks maybe even some manage a few months they turn into selfish assholes or lose interest in my friendship completely because they found a boyfriend or girlfriend, some just stop talking to me because I wont yiff them and eventually they just delete me, it really feels like if people don't get what they want they move on and if they do get what they want they move on after it too.
I just really don't know what to do anymore I love affection and positive emotion, I love the feeling of being wanted around and people wanting me to be a part of their life but the moments between that I just feel numb and dead, I feel like there's no purpose to me being alive or around anymore, that I just get in the way of people being happy around others instead of me and I don't know how to improve it, I cant get out of the sadness and when I do manage to I just get thrown back in it even harder each time and my body is reaching a point now where I just want to sit in the sadness and not climb out anymore I mean whats the point if that's where I end up again?.
Maybe things will pick up again for me and I can eventually be happy with myself and my life but where I stand right now I just cant see it ever being a possibility.
I don't mind if no one ever reads this but I had to write it down.. put my sad broken mind onto text.
I remember I joined the fandom around when I was 14 and I was so excited, it was something new.. interesting, exciting, so many people seemed to have similar ideas and everyone was so supportive of anything and I loved it, I made lots of friends, had about 140 people+ on my Skype and I was talking to them all the time.
At the time I really needed this sort of thing, I had been moved between countries from a young age... my family arrested for kidnap in front of me... emotional blackmail off my mom it had me in bits
Sadly it got to a point where I felt like I was intruding on people every time I spoke, short answers and lack of interest being one of the top ones I noticed.
I did eventually end up joining a furry chat site where I made lots of friends, I became a moderator and eventually an admin.. I had lots of people looking up to me.. came to me for advice and although deep down it hurt to hear all the sad stuff.. it did make me smile when they thanked me for the help and things picked up. I did also have my fair share of people showing interest in my life and my heart to which many fucked up...toyed with me and led me on only to discard me or lie to me, numerous ones filling "voids" that I could help with because their other half didn't and when they did I was no longer needed.
After a year at the site most of the 140+ friends I had originally only around 10 of them had sent me a single message, the rest either disappeared, deleted me or just never spoke and it hurt to see I had put so much effort in those friendships to just realize I was nothing to them. I did also end up losing my admin title due to several of the moderators ganging up on me and eventually I was forced out of the site so no longer had the ability to help people where I could.
Since then my real life... in 2012 I had an accident which about a 600kg container landed on my hip, I did mostly jump away but it just managed to hit me on the side, this left me in agony for 2 months but I pushed through it, I worked everyday doped on painkillers because I didn't want to show the physical pain and after that it died down, in 2013 December 17th I was getting dressed in the morning and I collapsed, I got rushed to hospital and put on "tramadol" which is a strong painkiller and I still take that to date..
Due to the accident and me off work for 2 occasions they made me redundant.. I went from a 30k $ job a year to about 14k $ which... destroyed me I couldn't afford to do much of anything, my bills constantly taking most of what I had and the hours that they threw me on, they changed my shift pattern almost on a daily basis which on most days meant I was getting around 3 hours sleep a night and this did result in 1 crash in my car and the other a very close one, I moved to another company after that which was an extra 1k a year but again it was a long drive away and the hours were awful.
During all this time my irl friend that I had who lives at the other end of town seemed to always be too busy to hang out with me, constantly I wanted some time with him.. some support emotionally which I wouldn't tell him I kept quiet about that and time after time I was shifted to the side because he had a girlfriend, he even said at one point she was more important to him now and although he is still a friend to me that really really hurt to hear...
Luckily enough my life is starting to turn around a little bit, I finally found a better job, it starts off at 12k $ a year but its a trainee job and by year 4 I will be on around 40k $ a year so that's something to look forward to.
I still have people who I keep meeting, hanging out with, getting on with really well whether that is in real life or from an online setting and they do put a temporary smile on my face but time after time after a few days.. few weeks maybe even some manage a few months they turn into selfish assholes or lose interest in my friendship completely because they found a boyfriend or girlfriend, some just stop talking to me because I wont yiff them and eventually they just delete me, it really feels like if people don't get what they want they move on and if they do get what they want they move on after it too.
I just really don't know what to do anymore I love affection and positive emotion, I love the feeling of being wanted around and people wanting me to be a part of their life but the moments between that I just feel numb and dead, I feel like there's no purpose to me being alive or around anymore, that I just get in the way of people being happy around others instead of me and I don't know how to improve it, I cant get out of the sadness and when I do manage to I just get thrown back in it even harder each time and my body is reaching a point now where I just want to sit in the sadness and not climb out anymore I mean whats the point if that's where I end up again?.
Maybe things will pick up again for me and I can eventually be happy with myself and my life but where I stand right now I just cant see it ever being a possibility.
I don't mind if no one ever reads this but I had to write it down.. put my sad broken mind onto text.
25 journals skipped
