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2021: Rollercoasters, out of time and awareness.
Posted 4 years ago[This journal is extremely dramatic, I guess is another way to vent I guess or simply let anyone that is on the dark about what is happening with me in the last months and also maybe help someone, I always hoped that on these journals for some reason...]
(Don't feel forced to read, is really all optional, if you are having a struggle in life, focus on yours first, you matter more than anyone else for yourself, okay?)
*Rollercoaster
These last 7 months were quite a chaotic trip for me in life, lots and lots of conflicts, with things like study, people and the worse of all with myself, is no use to hide that being distant and slowly talking less and less with a lot of people has raised questions and concerns, I am still looking for a reason of some choices I did within this year, since has been quite convolute and uncertain. Didn't know what to seek, to think, to plan, anything: started falling back in studies (still am), following a lot more impulsions instead of plans made ahead of time, this year I learned even more to feel what it is to lose friends and family, either by death or by doing choices they deemed, at worst: impulsive, primitive, manipulated. Is frustrating that even after all of that, learning from those is still a fight for me, learning the consequences of actions seems for me is been slow and unforgiving. Anxiety and dismotivation have been part of these months to me, making me go into a massive passiveness and simply become in an automatic way to live these last months.
To have an idea of how slow and how dragging this has been, it took me almost 90 days to write this journal, yet there is likely more typos and grammar mistakes than Sol Rings in MTG decks, but after being in this hiatus-like time, doing nothing so nothing wrong could happen or anyone else could complain of my ways, it really broke me at any level; with the slightest negative talk with me, resulted in an immense stress over my head, which I responded mostly in a dramatic tone and that I was being accused of something, while a few times it was indeed the case, it wasn't enough to be considered that often, but still after so much conflict with someone, always someone being upset or mad at something I did, really took a huge worn on my head. I had this plan of adding a music link from the beginning and ask to play while reading this, was gonna give videos/e-books that helped go through this horrendous experiences, maybe done some silly jokes about noodles and cups. But alas, my energy was just barely enough to spit this out and it seems it will be the best I can do in the mean time as also I did had the concern this journal would drag on for many people....
"But you shouldn't care what others think of you! You should do the frick you want." This sentence has been following me everywhere and while it holds truth in it, pretty much is not meaningful as much as it should due to the fact the same people that say this so often are some that complains about my actions the most, is not only online it really goes far as people that I must see everyday, either is class or job or a group, it reaches to a point that pleasing everyone really is a horrible way to enjoy social interactions and I took way too long to realize that. Is not too late, but is sure gonna be a hassle to regain that spark of happiness I had last year, regardless of how I obtained.
*Out of time
"Is never too late, is never over since you are so young!"
It also holds truth to it, but time unfortunately waits for no one and realizations only helps while you gain self-aware of how much time you wasted beforehand, crying over spilled milk isn't gonna help, but of course, I didn't listen, pondered about the past so many times by now that I became dull of anything that happens in the present and held little care for my future. I might finally have taken the same first step multiple times to finally try and force myself, but it really doesn't help that falling behind studies for months really gonna make this the most uncomfortable and bothersome time ever to catch up.
Stress, confusion and dismotivation really can bring you down to your knees and make something that was bad, even worse, it took so much energy to get out there and do the bare minimum to still be around. Failing classes, staying in bed for hours, neglecting hygiene, is to a point small clumps of hair starts falling out every time I cleaned myself...babbling to others when trying to socialize just a little...this is pretty a way of myself to tell me I hit rock bottom of life, ironic, not even mid 20's yet...
*Awareness
Is this journal confusing you? Is to be expected as I have extremely difficult time expressing my feelings out there, hard to explain why I did this and that because impulsions were all over my brain and now becoming so much self-aware really makes everything easily frustrating...but I guess I created enough courage to get back here and actually write something, anything, I guess learn how to (might not be the best way, but is something). This journal is not to seek validation, even though it sounds like, is not to get a pat pat of the back or anything. This journal is really to help me out express what I want to do and force myself to have reasons to do them as well. Is also give anyone who is struggling with life out there at the moment they read this journal an idea that: "Some mature early others move on late, each person is different and one shouldn't compare themselves with others that went through on what you went, age is overrated and if takes until you are 30 or 25 to learn how to live the way you want, so be it. If you wasted time, use for what you have left, because is still available for you to use. Don't let others tell you how to live, no matter how many reasons there is. Only yourself can tell you how to live." This sentence has been told by people that had a macro patient with me and stay with me for so long, bless you guys heart.
There is so much more to talk really, I wish I wanted to say something good and probably this haven't answered half of people's questions about what is happening with me for months, I tried at least and might as well try again, I kind enjoy writing these.
Now what? Well, I am very close to graduate, but since I spent the last month being passive, I need double the effort to catch up now, so for the rest of the year I will start to be sporadic out there with people, I will avoiding trying to meet new people and stop neglecting friendships and maybe try and stand up for myself for once this year...I will confront some people I still have uncertain things resolved, even if I am self-improving I need to be still strong to deal with more losses that will likely happen due to realization there is still people would rather be around me when I am not me, because it matches their views on how to socially live...yea yea I shouldn't care....but while I don't get fully cured, I guess still will...
This journal is directed at no one specifically, I have thrown myself out of the laptop to stop myself to write some of the stories that emotionally traumatized me to not sound like I am showing hate or despair towards someone or well, not have that guy to come back at me and shun at me. {Yea, still working on not letting others influence me, is still a wip...}
*Others -Not as important, but wants to talk-
((n the mean time of all of this, I had some art I got, so I am likely going to post them super soon.)
I enjoy art and will still enjoy art and get them I am not finnicky with art, I appreciate almost anything really, I am easy to be impressed and smile, I do wanna force myself to get art of other kinks instead of just vore and maybe some solo and lore art, would be nice from time to time. So likely in the future you will see something more. {Or not, I can always change my mind, I don't know, art is not my high priority, but no reason to not talk about it or get them.}
TL:DR
Too much loss in life, death and bad choices and different life styles, really made me anxious about anything, I am sensitive to criticisms because I care too much what others think of me, regardless of who is or what is. Months passed being passive made me unhealthy and distant from people that wanted to help me. So now I am back with a more different stance online, more reserved, less impulsive. Hopefully I will feel better and go back to being that wiggly woggly noodle that I enjoy being.
=I would love to add more stuff to this journal, but it will depend if myself is willing to come back and change something on it. But in the mean time...I am not fine, but I realize it and now I am trying to do something about it after 7 months of passiveness, I will get better and I hope you reader stay healthy and those who aren't...you are not alone in those stressful/depressive situations, you are still here, you matter after all, regardless what your brain says about that.=
Many love to the reader,
Changhuo, the time-traveler mailman
(Don't feel forced to read, is really all optional, if you are having a struggle in life, focus on yours first, you matter more than anyone else for yourself, okay?)
*Rollercoaster
These last 7 months were quite a chaotic trip for me in life, lots and lots of conflicts, with things like study, people and the worse of all with myself, is no use to hide that being distant and slowly talking less and less with a lot of people has raised questions and concerns, I am still looking for a reason of some choices I did within this year, since has been quite convolute and uncertain. Didn't know what to seek, to think, to plan, anything: started falling back in studies (still am), following a lot more impulsions instead of plans made ahead of time, this year I learned even more to feel what it is to lose friends and family, either by death or by doing choices they deemed, at worst: impulsive, primitive, manipulated. Is frustrating that even after all of that, learning from those is still a fight for me, learning the consequences of actions seems for me is been slow and unforgiving. Anxiety and dismotivation have been part of these months to me, making me go into a massive passiveness and simply become in an automatic way to live these last months.
To have an idea of how slow and how dragging this has been, it took me almost 90 days to write this journal, yet there is likely more typos and grammar mistakes than Sol Rings in MTG decks, but after being in this hiatus-like time, doing nothing so nothing wrong could happen or anyone else could complain of my ways, it really broke me at any level; with the slightest negative talk with me, resulted in an immense stress over my head, which I responded mostly in a dramatic tone and that I was being accused of something, while a few times it was indeed the case, it wasn't enough to be considered that often, but still after so much conflict with someone, always someone being upset or mad at something I did, really took a huge worn on my head. I had this plan of adding a music link from the beginning and ask to play while reading this, was gonna give videos/e-books that helped go through this horrendous experiences, maybe done some silly jokes about noodles and cups. But alas, my energy was just barely enough to spit this out and it seems it will be the best I can do in the mean time as also I did had the concern this journal would drag on for many people....
"But you shouldn't care what others think of you! You should do the frick you want." This sentence has been following me everywhere and while it holds truth in it, pretty much is not meaningful as much as it should due to the fact the same people that say this so often are some that complains about my actions the most, is not only online it really goes far as people that I must see everyday, either is class or job or a group, it reaches to a point that pleasing everyone really is a horrible way to enjoy social interactions and I took way too long to realize that. Is not too late, but is sure gonna be a hassle to regain that spark of happiness I had last year, regardless of how I obtained.
*Out of time
"Is never too late, is never over since you are so young!"
It also holds truth to it, but time unfortunately waits for no one and realizations only helps while you gain self-aware of how much time you wasted beforehand, crying over spilled milk isn't gonna help, but of course, I didn't listen, pondered about the past so many times by now that I became dull of anything that happens in the present and held little care for my future. I might finally have taken the same first step multiple times to finally try and force myself, but it really doesn't help that falling behind studies for months really gonna make this the most uncomfortable and bothersome time ever to catch up.
Stress, confusion and dismotivation really can bring you down to your knees and make something that was bad, even worse, it took so much energy to get out there and do the bare minimum to still be around. Failing classes, staying in bed for hours, neglecting hygiene, is to a point small clumps of hair starts falling out every time I cleaned myself...babbling to others when trying to socialize just a little...this is pretty a way of myself to tell me I hit rock bottom of life, ironic, not even mid 20's yet...
*Awareness
Is this journal confusing you? Is to be expected as I have extremely difficult time expressing my feelings out there, hard to explain why I did this and that because impulsions were all over my brain and now becoming so much self-aware really makes everything easily frustrating...but I guess I created enough courage to get back here and actually write something, anything, I guess learn how to (might not be the best way, but is something). This journal is not to seek validation, even though it sounds like, is not to get a pat pat of the back or anything. This journal is really to help me out express what I want to do and force myself to have reasons to do them as well. Is also give anyone who is struggling with life out there at the moment they read this journal an idea that: "Some mature early others move on late, each person is different and one shouldn't compare themselves with others that went through on what you went, age is overrated and if takes until you are 30 or 25 to learn how to live the way you want, so be it. If you wasted time, use for what you have left, because is still available for you to use. Don't let others tell you how to live, no matter how many reasons there is. Only yourself can tell you how to live." This sentence has been told by people that had a macro patient with me and stay with me for so long, bless you guys heart.
There is so much more to talk really, I wish I wanted to say something good and probably this haven't answered half of people's questions about what is happening with me for months, I tried at least and might as well try again, I kind enjoy writing these.
Now what? Well, I am very close to graduate, but since I spent the last month being passive, I need double the effort to catch up now, so for the rest of the year I will start to be sporadic out there with people, I will avoiding trying to meet new people and stop neglecting friendships and maybe try and stand up for myself for once this year...I will confront some people I still have uncertain things resolved, even if I am self-improving I need to be still strong to deal with more losses that will likely happen due to realization there is still people would rather be around me when I am not me, because it matches their views on how to socially live...yea yea I shouldn't care....but while I don't get fully cured, I guess still will...
This journal is directed at no one specifically, I have thrown myself out of the laptop to stop myself to write some of the stories that emotionally traumatized me to not sound like I am showing hate or despair towards someone or well, not have that guy to come back at me and shun at me. {Yea, still working on not letting others influence me, is still a wip...}
*Others -Not as important, but wants to talk-
((n the mean time of all of this, I had some art I got, so I am likely going to post them super soon.)
I enjoy art and will still enjoy art and get them I am not finnicky with art, I appreciate almost anything really, I am easy to be impressed and smile, I do wanna force myself to get art of other kinks instead of just vore and maybe some solo and lore art, would be nice from time to time. So likely in the future you will see something more. {Or not, I can always change my mind, I don't know, art is not my high priority, but no reason to not talk about it or get them.}
TL:DR
Too much loss in life, death and bad choices and different life styles, really made me anxious about anything, I am sensitive to criticisms because I care too much what others think of me, regardless of who is or what is. Months passed being passive made me unhealthy and distant from people that wanted to help me. So now I am back with a more different stance online, more reserved, less impulsive. Hopefully I will feel better and go back to being that wiggly woggly noodle that I enjoy being.
=I would love to add more stuff to this journal, but it will depend if myself is willing to come back and change something on it. But in the mean time...I am not fine, but I realize it and now I am trying to do something about it after 7 months of passiveness, I will get better and I hope you reader stay healthy and those who aren't...you are not alone in those stressful/depressive situations, you are still here, you matter after all, regardless what your brain says about that.=
Many love to the reader,
Changhuo, the time-traveler mailman
2020 was a good year for me
Posted 5 years ago(CW: Losses, deaths, life lessons, stress, maturity, rambling thoughts, amateur writing, happiness and noodles)
A controversial title I know, time to write about it, this will be a long journal (long as my noodle's feral form size), if you are only interest on certain parts, I will make a separation on each part. I still have no skills to write a TL:DR yet, one day I will. This was written in the span of more than a week on my break, sorry if something looks like odd or confused.
When is just too much
"No reason to cry over spilled milk.", "What happened, happened, have to move on." Life works in the most unexpected ways, sometimes you are prepared and you just hang in there until it passes, other it happens out of the blue, you aren't prepared and you are left in shock in addition to other unknow emotions depending what was the event about, but there are those moments that it stacks and you have absolutely no experience or not enough to deal with a situation like that and you simply just breakdown, losing any basic ability to speak or interact with others in any sense, no matter how close they were to you. And this last 2 weeks is where was my breaking point. I didn't have mental shutdown because of the death of one of my family members, despite the most serious loss, no, it was the fact this is the 4th death of someone I was very close and friendly enough to call them almost family to me, these people helped through a lot, from helping my father to travel my dog to US, to adapting to the US culture, many supportive actions and of course happy events with me years before I was even an active furry. So it cuts deep in my heart when they are not walking among us anymore in this earth. I am, (still am) extremely uncomfortable to bring up the topic of death, the loss of someone, not from family, but surely felt liek they were family to me, but this journal brings me a bit of comfort as a way to let others that has the same problems with losses...you are not alone in this, I know how it feels...and is simply too much to handle.
These deaths didn't happen all at once, it was in intervals that was scared enough in a pattern, the first one not even fucking (RIP posting this in Minecraft Christian servers) being killed by COVID, my classmate and member of a project I was working for the college back the end of October, he was mugged and shot in the neck inside the university, it was unexpected and very saddening, funeral didn't happen because of COVID of course, so I waited for 2 weeks to visit their grave, a month later, in the exact day, while I was on a car trip, I have received a message from a family member of a elderly couple that lived on the next house, telling me that one of them has passed away, the worst part of this, I was hanging out with a friend, so I tried so hard to not let my emotions flow out, which failed miserably, making the rest of the hours quite saddening with my friend as we were having a good time and making the return quite bitter...what made that next days even more terrible it was the fact I knew for sure the other wouldn't survive, they were one of those couples of like 50 years happy together, and the first thing the came to my head was of those movies, that when one die, the other was in so much grieve it just dies from that loss. And soon enough the other did died 4 days later...imagine in a span of 1 month, you lose a young friend that I played MTG and hang out with and was even helpful with my academic life, same with the elderly couple, they helped me adapt to the American culture, tried American food (Sorry I tried peanut butter, I didn't like >w<) and took any doubt away of something I had about USA, people that helped so much...gone, taken away like they picked randomly by death. From there all the way to the end of the year, I grew cold and distant, I focused to finish my semester, get my self some extra hours of work to help with my situation and not pay attention that much with it. However at the last day of 2020, thinking it was going to be left behind, I receive a call, this time I could hear the cry and I knew what was it, at this point, I couldn't, I snapped, I fell, I just couldn't take anymore, I simply put myself in lockdown from everyone, no human being is capable of losing that many is such a small amount time, a family member died, back in my home country, so I can't even visit their grave until I travel back, but again COVID. I stayed these last 3 weeks in mental agony, in deep stress, I wanted time to work on what in the world was death doing with me. Now I am just really broken and slowly trying to go back in being the noodle I was before all this took a toll on my brain.
Recovering
"Noodle this is all too much, you don't have to write an essay about what happened to you, we just want you to come back." "You don't own anyone a big explanation like this, you should keep this all private and between close friends, why you making it public?" First this information is nothing that someone can take a lever on me, second this is only like the surface of what happened in all of this last 4 months, last it helps me to just steam off all this that I held so hard in my heart, never opened to someone about so deep it until a few days ago to like 2 friends (It took me tremendous amount of effort to open, to a point I pass out hard), thank you handsome and glutton (Won't name them because their privacy, but this adjectives will sure let them know is them), there is much more deep stuff that helped for my breakdown to happen (This being the main thing, but not all the details are here and won't be, this is really the basic of the basic I want write about it), so sharing all of this really is something that has no downside besides shaking every time I write or think about loss and death, even if was only for 1 person I would still be shaking and traumatized remembering, imagine doing one by one of my close friends or family members to I hold dear to my heart.
Now is 2021, they are not coming back and they wouldn't want me to be in this state forever, so I simply took a break from absolutely everything non-furry related, went out to do my responsabilities and work on myself among other things, plus a lot of thinking and brainstorming about my future and plans I been wanting to do. I got a long path to go, I got people that helped recover from this among other things I will not share here, but I will make certain that I aim for a set goal not only IRL, but in actually my furry life too.
Things I was too afraid to get art of or to even talk about somewhere in discord or here, afraid of judgement of others, because of losing people by mere preferences or opinions, well I am now have a very different vision on all of that, maturing about it and not letting others control what I like and such, so in a way what is in my gallery is still something I love a lot, but there will be sometimes a totally unrelated kink here and there and if someone gets triggered by that, well nothing I can't do, is what I like. (Don't worry is nothing like graphic, gore or rape or hate or any that is considered unethical, but is sure things not really popular out there >w>). I have more things to learn and mature, but I am making a lot of progress for a while~
Despise all, 2020 was still a good year
Time to talk about this year, yes COVID made everything so hard and so terrible for so many, people dying left and right, politics and simply the cancellation of furry cons and other events, despite of all of that and the isolation throughout the year, I was able to meet up new people, get close to some people, my grades went up as I had more time, started working on a nice electrician job, once I was set for this partial job, learning economics was enjoyable and very informative, 2020 had lots of ups and down, fight with friends, drama all around me, unable to work on trips I had to shift my time and attention to ways to use my time for the best and during this whole year was a lot of learning and getting more mature, make smart decisions and know when to not get involved into thing you know you cant solve it, "Sometimes the best option is to do nothing.". Instead of just getting all emotional and filled with sadness or regret, I gathered enough willpower to pull through some really bad things and learn from them and I must say, I feel a lot more strong and mature than I was back in January 2020.
Through rough times and good times you can learn to become better and improve your life, even if you still get some low points in life, 2020 is a year I won't remember by the bad things I have gone through, but rather things that made learn a huge lesson in life. My recently passed away friend gave some nice advices and words that stayed in my head, likely will be my style of how I view things in my life. If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward. I am 70% sure this is from one of those famous people, even if it is, this for me is impossible to be further from truth and so far, it has helped in every way I applied for.
What now? 2021 is here
Now that I had my break, survived the breakdown, I am going down to work on what I wanted since the beginning of summer 2020. Work on lore for my 2 characters, get art about things I would to share about my dragons and kinks as well, I have made enough thought about it all, not much to share right here as it will be all posted together with art in due time, maybe animations could happen of them and maybe even meme art, because you cant ever go wrong with "Old, but gold" memes that some know very well I overuse (Because is so garsh darn relatable to me haha), this year will be a nice test for my new learned things from the last year, so in a way I see as a challenge to see if I really have matured, of course I am not fully matured, no one is and you can't prove me the other way.
Weird enough...I am expecting some people to be dissapointed of me making this journal (mainly because I am sharing too much, but this is really only the tip of the iceberg), but is something I been wanting to do about what I been through and I can't really explain in a way that is understandable for everyone on why I share of this information. Despite all of this, this journal was not made to receive condolences or to be comforted or get other type of attentions, this journal is to raise awareness, that after all I been through, I learned is no reason to give up even if as life seems to sucker punch you every now and then. Nothing stays low point forever and I have 2020 to prove me that. Just keep moving forward, like what I wrote in the beginning. "No reason to cry over spilled milk." It happened, you can be sad about, but go get another cup of milk and move on with life, there is just so much more out there than one or more events happening bad happening. Trust me it will get better, I promise.
I have no interest in making this journal a discussion or feedback place, this journal was for me mostly to help over all of this really and let anyone that went through something similar know: don't ever give up, life continues even if it seems there is nothing to accomplish for, keep looking forward reader.
N O O D L E S
Wiggling everywhere, will infest the world with all the noodles I can possibly find, with all written down, I can feel a heavy weight taken off, a handsome took the most weight out of my shoulders few days earlier, but this journal took the remaining off and now I can organize and focus on populating the furry community with noodles, muahaha, so expect more dragons in this profile, lovely way to enjoy life, with spicy noodle hehe, will work on my profile slowly, catch up with weeks of art people I watch posted, write on some comments and simply enjoy a nice spicy ramen bowl I just finished cooking while doing all of that, also I am planning to post stuff besides art, like journals and reworking my profile, don't worry it won't big or deep as much as this one, I promise, will be stuff like I wrote on my last journal really among other noodle topics hehe.
Happy late new years everyone, stay strong and stay wiggling, don't ever give up on life, there is so much more out there.
A controversial title I know, time to write about it, this will be a long journal (long as my noodle's feral form size), if you are only interest on certain parts, I will make a separation on each part. I still have no skills to write a TL:DR yet, one day I will. This was written in the span of more than a week on my break, sorry if something looks like odd or confused.
When is just too much
"No reason to cry over spilled milk.", "What happened, happened, have to move on." Life works in the most unexpected ways, sometimes you are prepared and you just hang in there until it passes, other it happens out of the blue, you aren't prepared and you are left in shock in addition to other unknow emotions depending what was the event about, but there are those moments that it stacks and you have absolutely no experience or not enough to deal with a situation like that and you simply just breakdown, losing any basic ability to speak or interact with others in any sense, no matter how close they were to you. And this last 2 weeks is where was my breaking point. I didn't have mental shutdown because of the death of one of my family members, despite the most serious loss, no, it was the fact this is the 4th death of someone I was very close and friendly enough to call them almost family to me, these people helped through a lot, from helping my father to travel my dog to US, to adapting to the US culture, many supportive actions and of course happy events with me years before I was even an active furry. So it cuts deep in my heart when they are not walking among us anymore in this earth. I am, (still am) extremely uncomfortable to bring up the topic of death, the loss of someone, not from family, but surely felt liek they were family to me, but this journal brings me a bit of comfort as a way to let others that has the same problems with losses...you are not alone in this, I know how it feels...and is simply too much to handle.
These deaths didn't happen all at once, it was in intervals that was scared enough in a pattern, the first one not even fucking (RIP posting this in Minecraft Christian servers) being killed by COVID, my classmate and member of a project I was working for the college back the end of October, he was mugged and shot in the neck inside the university, it was unexpected and very saddening, funeral didn't happen because of COVID of course, so I waited for 2 weeks to visit their grave, a month later, in the exact day, while I was on a car trip, I have received a message from a family member of a elderly couple that lived on the next house, telling me that one of them has passed away, the worst part of this, I was hanging out with a friend, so I tried so hard to not let my emotions flow out, which failed miserably, making the rest of the hours quite saddening with my friend as we were having a good time and making the return quite bitter...what made that next days even more terrible it was the fact I knew for sure the other wouldn't survive, they were one of those couples of like 50 years happy together, and the first thing the came to my head was of those movies, that when one die, the other was in so much grieve it just dies from that loss. And soon enough the other did died 4 days later...imagine in a span of 1 month, you lose a young friend that I played MTG and hang out with and was even helpful with my academic life, same with the elderly couple, they helped me adapt to the American culture, tried American food (Sorry I tried peanut butter, I didn't like >w<) and took any doubt away of something I had about USA, people that helped so much...gone, taken away like they picked randomly by death. From there all the way to the end of the year, I grew cold and distant, I focused to finish my semester, get my self some extra hours of work to help with my situation and not pay attention that much with it. However at the last day of 2020, thinking it was going to be left behind, I receive a call, this time I could hear the cry and I knew what was it, at this point, I couldn't, I snapped, I fell, I just couldn't take anymore, I simply put myself in lockdown from everyone, no human being is capable of losing that many is such a small amount time, a family member died, back in my home country, so I can't even visit their grave until I travel back, but again COVID. I stayed these last 3 weeks in mental agony, in deep stress, I wanted time to work on what in the world was death doing with me. Now I am just really broken and slowly trying to go back in being the noodle I was before all this took a toll on my brain.
Recovering
"Noodle this is all too much, you don't have to write an essay about what happened to you, we just want you to come back." "You don't own anyone a big explanation like this, you should keep this all private and between close friends, why you making it public?" First this information is nothing that someone can take a lever on me, second this is only like the surface of what happened in all of this last 4 months, last it helps me to just steam off all this that I held so hard in my heart, never opened to someone about so deep it until a few days ago to like 2 friends (It took me tremendous amount of effort to open, to a point I pass out hard), thank you handsome and glutton (Won't name them because their privacy, but this adjectives will sure let them know is them), there is much more deep stuff that helped for my breakdown to happen (This being the main thing, but not all the details are here and won't be, this is really the basic of the basic I want write about it), so sharing all of this really is something that has no downside besides shaking every time I write or think about loss and death, even if was only for 1 person I would still be shaking and traumatized remembering, imagine doing one by one of my close friends or family members to I hold dear to my heart.
Now is 2021, they are not coming back and they wouldn't want me to be in this state forever, so I simply took a break from absolutely everything non-furry related, went out to do my responsabilities and work on myself among other things, plus a lot of thinking and brainstorming about my future and plans I been wanting to do. I got a long path to go, I got people that helped recover from this among other things I will not share here, but I will make certain that I aim for a set goal not only IRL, but in actually my furry life too.
Things I was too afraid to get art of or to even talk about somewhere in discord or here, afraid of judgement of others, because of losing people by mere preferences or opinions, well I am now have a very different vision on all of that, maturing about it and not letting others control what I like and such, so in a way what is in my gallery is still something I love a lot, but there will be sometimes a totally unrelated kink here and there and if someone gets triggered by that, well nothing I can't do, is what I like. (Don't worry is nothing like graphic, gore or rape or hate or any that is considered unethical, but is sure things not really popular out there >w>). I have more things to learn and mature, but I am making a lot of progress for a while~
Despise all, 2020 was still a good year
Time to talk about this year, yes COVID made everything so hard and so terrible for so many, people dying left and right, politics and simply the cancellation of furry cons and other events, despite of all of that and the isolation throughout the year, I was able to meet up new people, get close to some people, my grades went up as I had more time, started working on a nice electrician job, once I was set for this partial job, learning economics was enjoyable and very informative, 2020 had lots of ups and down, fight with friends, drama all around me, unable to work on trips I had to shift my time and attention to ways to use my time for the best and during this whole year was a lot of learning and getting more mature, make smart decisions and know when to not get involved into thing you know you cant solve it, "Sometimes the best option is to do nothing.". Instead of just getting all emotional and filled with sadness or regret, I gathered enough willpower to pull through some really bad things and learn from them and I must say, I feel a lot more strong and mature than I was back in January 2020.
Through rough times and good times you can learn to become better and improve your life, even if you still get some low points in life, 2020 is a year I won't remember by the bad things I have gone through, but rather things that made learn a huge lesson in life. My recently passed away friend gave some nice advices and words that stayed in my head, likely will be my style of how I view things in my life. If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward. I am 70% sure this is from one of those famous people, even if it is, this for me is impossible to be further from truth and so far, it has helped in every way I applied for.
What now? 2021 is here
Now that I had my break, survived the breakdown, I am going down to work on what I wanted since the beginning of summer 2020. Work on lore for my 2 characters, get art about things I would to share about my dragons and kinks as well, I have made enough thought about it all, not much to share right here as it will be all posted together with art in due time, maybe animations could happen of them and maybe even meme art, because you cant ever go wrong with "Old, but gold" memes that some know very well I overuse (Because is so garsh darn relatable to me haha), this year will be a nice test for my new learned things from the last year, so in a way I see as a challenge to see if I really have matured, of course I am not fully matured, no one is and you can't prove me the other way.
Weird enough...I am expecting some people to be dissapointed of me making this journal (mainly because I am sharing too much, but this is really only the tip of the iceberg), but is something I been wanting to do about what I been through and I can't really explain in a way that is understandable for everyone on why I share of this information. Despite all of this, this journal was not made to receive condolences or to be comforted or get other type of attentions, this journal is to raise awareness, that after all I been through, I learned is no reason to give up even if as life seems to sucker punch you every now and then. Nothing stays low point forever and I have 2020 to prove me that. Just keep moving forward, like what I wrote in the beginning. "No reason to cry over spilled milk." It happened, you can be sad about, but go get another cup of milk and move on with life, there is just so much more out there than one or more events happening bad happening. Trust me it will get better, I promise.
I have no interest in making this journal a discussion or feedback place, this journal was for me mostly to help over all of this really and let anyone that went through something similar know: don't ever give up, life continues even if it seems there is nothing to accomplish for, keep looking forward reader.
N O O D L E S
Wiggling everywhere, will infest the world with all the noodles I can possibly find, with all written down, I can feel a heavy weight taken off, a handsome took the most weight out of my shoulders few days earlier, but this journal took the remaining off and now I can organize and focus on populating the furry community with noodles, muahaha, so expect more dragons in this profile, lovely way to enjoy life, with spicy noodle hehe, will work on my profile slowly, catch up with weeks of art people I watch posted, write on some comments and simply enjoy a nice spicy ramen bowl I just finished cooking while doing all of that, also I am planning to post stuff besides art, like journals and reworking my profile, don't worry it won't big or deep as much as this one, I promise, will be stuff like I wrote on my last journal really among other noodle topics hehe.
Happy late new years everyone, stay strong and stay wiggling, don't ever give up on life, there is so much more out there.
My perspective on the words digestion and absorption.
Posted 5 years agoThis is very sensitive topic actually, I talked with almost a dozen of furries before I had to come to a perspective of my own. So hopefully it won't create a lot of discussion on my DMs or even here on FA, instead we have talks where it raises good point about it and if really is something with very strong points I am always open to change my view partialy.
Am I overthinking? Of course I am, gotta thank pandemic for making me free time to think about those things. Am I wasting my time writing this? Possibly, is just something I would enjoy to share to those that in the same situation as me after talking with some people, since I am busy with and study and not all the time to play games or RP, I decided to try a journal on FA.
A second main reason I would be writing this journal is to avoid misunderstanding whenever I would put the digestion tag on my non-fatal vore art. Because it will happen, as it happened to some furries that posted their art and had this bad situation every time they posted with a misunderstanding.
So digestion and absorption, in the beginning, back in 2011 I seen digestion as something fatal, while I seen absorption as something only "goo" creatures could be doing them, since you know, their whole body is their alimentary system. Digestion definition always was: "Breaking down food by mechanical and enzymatic action in the alimentary canal into substances that can be used by the body." And since we are a bunch of voraphiles most community keep their definition of vore just like that and been for year like that and whenever you didn't desire to practice digestion we called endosoma, the action of containing a prey through methods of vore. As the years approach and been exploring left and right more about vore and their wacky alternate ways of vore, around mid 2019 it came to surface for me about a way to practice digestion without being fatal, the term "sentient" or "transformation" was discovered by me and from there I learned multiples way to practice non-fatal vore but still with the perk of digestion.
As I went through months learning more, it came to my attention a wall separating people whenever it comes to how would you call this type of vore whenever in an art or a RP, some preds use the enzymes to break down the prey's body, while retaining their "soul", "essence", "conscious" and others while slowly absorbing their liquid mass to wherever they desire to store, and said prey would be alive and sentient in whatever part of the body pred choose. If the prey is alive, thinking and if pred given the chance, move or wobble, it can't be fatal, because the vore definition of fatal is when the prey is deceased inside a pred. So I will call this situation I just explained a non-fatal scenario with the side of digestion.
Now here is what makes people starting falling from one side to another, some preds, actually I counted 15 that I am either acquantice or close friends does skip the whole enzyme/acids process and use their temperature or their walls from inside the gut and absorb the prey's body directly, making them start to use the term absorption instead of digestion, since they aren't using a third factor to work on the prey's mass or some "melt" prey's mass into a stew to be absorbed either in the belly or in the intestines.
This is where my doubts were making my mind haze: You would still be using your belly and you still would be breaking down the prey's body over, while keeping them "conscious" and THEN you would absorb them, that is still digesting, is just you are not using a liquid or any other process to use over the prey, not only that, the prey wouldn't feel pain or wouldn't be something irreversable making quite hard to use the word absorption just for the process of consumption of the fuel you would be gaining from a non-endo vore scenario.
Another reason people haven't really used the word digestion, it was the fear of being related to fatal vore, which is what the majority of the vore community are into it. There they don't wanna use what they think it is in fear of others being judgmental, should they not care what other thinks about their arts and tags? Absolutely. But that is super hard to pull off and many really can't do it, so they result into a more passive solution.
With all the filler and reasoning for my art and tags, it very difficult to appease everyone, can't take a middle ground on something without making some uncomfortable about the decisions, so I really would have to do things that seems more sense to me. Even if my points are making no sense. No matter what I see, I cant see something that is only absorption, unless is a gooey species, because no matter what belly it is, you always break the prey's body down either by your walls or your temperature inside or any wacky and cartoony ways to digest, is still the process of breaking down to make it easier to absorb later on.
TL:DR
If is not goo species, I call anything non-fatal non-endo vore a digestion process, I will of course use either soft_digestion or harmless_digestion instead of just digestion, because the word alone does mean for me fatal vore, but putting a situational word by the left of the digestion word would take a whole different meaning that represents something that has been in the community for almost a decade now.
This is an amateur journal, but I am using this topic to learn how to write better journals in the future in other topics I might bring it up.
Am I overthinking? Of course I am, gotta thank pandemic for making me free time to think about those things. Am I wasting my time writing this? Possibly, is just something I would enjoy to share to those that in the same situation as me after talking with some people, since I am busy with and study and not all the time to play games or RP, I decided to try a journal on FA.
A second main reason I would be writing this journal is to avoid misunderstanding whenever I would put the digestion tag on my non-fatal vore art. Because it will happen, as it happened to some furries that posted their art and had this bad situation every time they posted with a misunderstanding.
So digestion and absorption, in the beginning, back in 2011 I seen digestion as something fatal, while I seen absorption as something only "goo" creatures could be doing them, since you know, their whole body is their alimentary system. Digestion definition always was: "Breaking down food by mechanical and enzymatic action in the alimentary canal into substances that can be used by the body." And since we are a bunch of voraphiles most community keep their definition of vore just like that and been for year like that and whenever you didn't desire to practice digestion we called endosoma, the action of containing a prey through methods of vore. As the years approach and been exploring left and right more about vore and their wacky alternate ways of vore, around mid 2019 it came to surface for me about a way to practice digestion without being fatal, the term "sentient" or "transformation" was discovered by me and from there I learned multiples way to practice non-fatal vore but still with the perk of digestion.
As I went through months learning more, it came to my attention a wall separating people whenever it comes to how would you call this type of vore whenever in an art or a RP, some preds use the enzymes to break down the prey's body, while retaining their "soul", "essence", "conscious" and others while slowly absorbing their liquid mass to wherever they desire to store, and said prey would be alive and sentient in whatever part of the body pred choose. If the prey is alive, thinking and if pred given the chance, move or wobble, it can't be fatal, because the vore definition of fatal is when the prey is deceased inside a pred. So I will call this situation I just explained a non-fatal scenario with the side of digestion.
Now here is what makes people starting falling from one side to another, some preds, actually I counted 15 that I am either acquantice or close friends does skip the whole enzyme/acids process and use their temperature or their walls from inside the gut and absorb the prey's body directly, making them start to use the term absorption instead of digestion, since they aren't using a third factor to work on the prey's mass or some "melt" prey's mass into a stew to be absorbed either in the belly or in the intestines.
This is where my doubts were making my mind haze: You would still be using your belly and you still would be breaking down the prey's body over, while keeping them "conscious" and THEN you would absorb them, that is still digesting, is just you are not using a liquid or any other process to use over the prey, not only that, the prey wouldn't feel pain or wouldn't be something irreversable making quite hard to use the word absorption just for the process of consumption of the fuel you would be gaining from a non-endo vore scenario.
Another reason people haven't really used the word digestion, it was the fear of being related to fatal vore, which is what the majority of the vore community are into it. There they don't wanna use what they think it is in fear of others being judgmental, should they not care what other thinks about their arts and tags? Absolutely. But that is super hard to pull off and many really can't do it, so they result into a more passive solution.
With all the filler and reasoning for my art and tags, it very difficult to appease everyone, can't take a middle ground on something without making some uncomfortable about the decisions, so I really would have to do things that seems more sense to me. Even if my points are making no sense. No matter what I see, I cant see something that is only absorption, unless is a gooey species, because no matter what belly it is, you always break the prey's body down either by your walls or your temperature inside or any wacky and cartoony ways to digest, is still the process of breaking down to make it easier to absorb later on.
TL:DR
If is not goo species, I call anything non-fatal non-endo vore a digestion process, I will of course use either soft_digestion or harmless_digestion instead of just digestion, because the word alone does mean for me fatal vore, but putting a situational word by the left of the digestion word would take a whole different meaning that represents something that has been in the community for almost a decade now.
This is an amateur journal, but I am using this topic to learn how to write better journals in the future in other topics I might bring it up.
Raffles are a good way to promote
Posted 5 years agoNot gonna lie, best way to advertise, besides putting ads across the website is to make raffles and for this one it looks amazing and people should give a try.
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/37072123/
2 winners, meaning your chances to win are doubled. Noodle iz smort, rhe knowz methmatics. UwU
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/37072123/
2 winners, meaning your chances to win are doubled. Noodle iz smort, rhe knowz methmatics. UwU
Is never bad to enter a raffle
Posted 6 years agoRaffle is a great way to advertise your art and it never hurts for you to enter, plus if there is a way to increase your chance to win a raffle, always take them.
No one is losing time and money when entering a raffle so let's go for it and try this raffle as well.
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/34437713/
No one is losing time and money when entering a raffle so let's go for it and try this raffle as well.
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/34437713/
First step: Refs!
Posted 6 years agoHello you bunch of wholesome people!
For my first journal, I was thinking in asking for people who read this, name of semi-big artists that can work in making a detailed reference sheets for my 3 characters. (I don't mind style or money limit, just need choices)
If I am going to be more active around FA and Discord, might as well make a ref sheet to show people who am I.
I am aware the noodle has been in arts and all, but I feel a ref sheet would help with much more details and I could give a small lore about him and the other 2.
So for anyone who knows good artists that are almost certain open for a ref commission, please comment down below. (You can mention more than one, just make sure others haven't already posted the artist account.)
I wish you all a wholesome week. ^w^
For my first journal, I was thinking in asking for people who read this, name of semi-big artists that can work in making a detailed reference sheets for my 3 characters. (I don't mind style or money limit, just need choices)
If I am going to be more active around FA and Discord, might as well make a ref sheet to show people who am I.
I am aware the noodle has been in arts and all, but I feel a ref sheet would help with much more details and I could give a small lore about him and the other 2.
So for anyone who knows good artists that are almost certain open for a ref commission, please comment down below. (You can mention more than one, just make sure others haven't already posted the artist account.)
I wish you all a wholesome week. ^w^
