im still keeping my old account, but i wanted to start fresh, you can find my new account here  KemonoRuka

if you want to see my art there, but its fine if you dont want to follow that one, i'll try post arts on here sometime, but im gana work more on the new account,

so i joined tumblr, i started making pony art, nsfw, and sfw, and like my new name is Blue Ruka now as i said before, i should really make a new profile on FA, ....

eather way, you can hate me love me, or not like me, but i am who i am, i just find it way easier to draw them, srry

if you guys see Blue ruka, thats my new alieas.... lol

i feel better now that i know how to some-what shade.... my lines are getting better and i have lots of imaginations now since i have nothing else to do on spring break.... my arms hurt because i wee-eat'd the back yard, the grass was as tall as my table... or maybe almost tall as my clothes drawer... so yaaaaaaa im kind of happy, but im not worried about being popular as much, i'll just let that do it's own job, i'll continue to draw, and get better like people and my friends tell me to ''GET BETTER'' :D

god previous journalsssssssssssss, what ever, imma draw, and not really wanting to expect anything anymore, just happy i finish a drawing and continue my art as it is or maybe practice more at college, but im kind of glad im able to draw anyways, i have no fans who like my art anyways. but im trying, although this journal makes no sense at all, but im riting this because it fills better to rite on a journal then thinking and talking to yourself about this kind of stuff, theres so many typos, but anyone reading this may think im kind of wierd or stupid, but ONLy i can understand what i write.

ello im back lol, but i guess i havent been up to date since for 8 mounths lol since i disapeard from here
im hoping get back to posting my art, and well ive shut down all the drama back then in my journals and hoping to start over, and make up for my disapperents, im not that popular but still hope for anyone who enjoys my art :D

i guess i didnt expect anyone from my real life frinds to read my journals lol, i guess they know now how i felt when they were negleting or didn't really pay attention to me for awhile,,they all said..well some said sorry and started to notice how i was feeling, im kind of relieved, and kind of in a better mood now, i still don't ask much, but i just felt i wanted to be noticed a little and to be welcomed again thats all, now that the days go by, some of my frinds come or hang out with me now from time to time, they notced when they were reading this blog from my feelings they had the same situation, that they wanted the way we used to hang out when we met each other, witch were the good old days, so now some of my frinds stoped playing magic to gathering, but they still play from time to time, i wouldn't call it stoped playing magic, but ehh.. at least they stoped neglecting me (lol, i learned a new word), and started to hang out more with me, but , im not in controll of them, they can hang out with me on there own free will now, but at least i don't feel sad now, ^_^




(kind of)......

today on 9/19/2010 at 12:21am

Today i rite my sadness journal, cause, theres no where else to tell my sadness, not at this time nore my parents, or my friends,

I already made a hate journal, but i figured, i guess.. i should make my saddness journal, not because im emo or anything, i don't want to die, nothing like, also, this isn't something i do often, this is just where i share my own feelings to myself, it's not ment for anyone else, unless u want it to be...

I guess nothings change in my house...nothing but some rules since im 20, i go to college
but i guess im kind of sad that i don't get along with my father thats one thing im sad but
i still deal with it, sometimes over the little things about him, i get upset, long time ago, he asked
why i don't talk to him as much like mom does, but i couldn't tell him cus i was always afraid of him

he used to be happy with me when i was a baby or when i was a kid... but all that changed when i got older, sometimes long ago, when i was 13 or so, i was having trouble with math, and i asked for help from dad,so then he tutord me, but when i got the awser wrong, he'd yell at me

later on,he's done threatening things long time ago, that scard me, witch i kind of feel, but ive over commed it... but some people say leaving scars never go away...

i thought dads were so post to be nice to people, but i guess all dads are diffrent, i guess i can't change my dad of what he does anymore, i guess i can't change him at all

another thing about him, that pisses me off is, he has to reapeat things, or gossip about me of what he's said to me, and tell mom of what he accomplished, sometimes that pisses me off but uno from now and today, i still deal with this crap, and ive already told him...

i get scared when im about to talk back to him, cus... cus.. when ever i talk back or try to face my fears from him, he looks like he will go insane and hert me....but i guess, that rarly happneds unless it';s about grades of anythign else. that bothers him, i guess im sad about other things

but this isn't a self pity journal, this is how im feeling inside, since this is a journal for a reason, anyone can read this, but this is the truth of my life, so laugh at me, or say that im wrong or asuming, but this is my opions of my dad and me, how i see it from my view and eyes

I hate myself, cus i don't have alot of knowlegde other people have, and can't start a really good convo like my friends, it's been goining on latly with 2 of my frinds, they seem to really be better frineds then me, thats why both of them stop talking to me sometimes, or sometimes not interested to what i say sometimes,...but ive already told them how i felt, but later on they forgot....i miss my old frinds, the onces that had alot of stuff in common with me, and laugh when i make jokes, but no one goes to my college anymore, but this is life, i will be goinign threw alot of shit , and even tomarrow, but don't feel pity, i guess, cus maybe i should stop caring, and be like every other jerk that i no in my college, but hey i care for what they say and do... but can't really express it with them, but right now, i can't really decide if what i right really matters sometimes... , but hey im 20 years old now, almost drinking lol,

other things i hate,, is that everyone plays magic at the table, and i don't wnat to sit there anymore and watch them, cus i feel left out.... people wonder were i am soemtimes, cus sometimes they don't notice me or ask me anything while playing, or ask what im doining, im just starting to hate it and i don't understand them anymore

another thing i hate is, that i can't find a boyfrined, who will really listen to me or care, but these are my thoughts, and i try to look good everyday, i guess, cus sometimes im called a girly boy, or a host japanese boy from japan lol....

also i hate it that ive never discussed what i hate about untill now, cus what i thought in life would make me happy.... but i gues i can't hide my hatred anymore but these are what im thinking about today tommarrow and the nextday


by reading this u probly think im just like everyone else, who's hatred is the exatcly the same, but i guess it won't amuse u even if i have told u all this about now, cus i don't think its funny to me..
but what can i do...... anyways this is the journal of my hatred in life just to put it in hrer, cus i don't have a journal with me now

Im doinign touhou art commtions for free, they may not be the best, but at least u will come out with something good ^^

Im obsesed about sergals, ino there vore/rapinign animals, or things, but ive come to love them besides there animal instincts, and now i'll be making an alturnate fursona of my mane fursona as a sergal lol, im gana practice and get the sergal portchraits wright ;P

OH LAWDY DAW!!!! my dreams have come true! i just got a tablet like 3 weeks ago, after watching iron man 2 , also that movie is kick ass, anyways, ive gotten better and are, coloring my art, i also have photoshop 0.7, and i say it's quite advance, hard to no what is what, but i'll get use to it adventuly, also i herd there was a 0.8, don't no, anyways, i mite do commisions, depending on how many people really like my art, my art is based off anime hair or anime in general, i do anthrow art, gay anthro art, but takes time for that, but id be surly to make it up some how xD

hmmmmm....... lol if your conserned with all the doodles on windows paint, its cus i have no scanner, if i have no scanner i can't show my drawings on pencil, so yah... the only thing that u guys can see, are my mouce doodles lol, yah yah, ino, i should save up and show u my real talent, but u guys have to wait lol, well , i mite do commisions wether or not u all like my drawings or not, but i can't force u guys to ask me so, it's up to you wether u want a request or not........

Latly ive been on doodleing with just a mOUCE only a mouce, like ive said the previously times, and latly some how ive gotten better, also to add the betterness i now no how to color xDDD it's really fun now that i no how to color stuff using the MOUCE lol, i hjave no tablet everyoen just a reminder, theres nothign good of me doining it on mouce though so yah xDDD

ahh~~ what a wonderful, beating down, day lol (sarcastic) i haven't been updated with my journal cus things have been happenign with my life, and so im kind of back on FA on some occations, but i really wish i had a tablet so i can do better and not have to use a scanner witch i will have a tablet, one of those fancy new ones soon (maybe) but ino maybe some or some not people have missed me or what ever, but some how i'll manages to get here again or so so, but still im working my best to becoming a freelance slash furry anthro, slash gamer, slash slash slash and double slash lol but seriously i hope i can do stuff with my life or see what life takes me and well i'll keep smiling then ^^

YAY!!! today i met 2 frinds at college =D i feel better now ^^ and well WIIIIIIIIIIIII now this college for fail for a little bit xD

i will try but fail bbut never give up, even if im lonly, im trying my best to servive collage, it will be dificult ^^, but i don't care.... even if im lonly, i'll just get threw collage, but for now ive no clue to do what that makes me happy, just to move on i guess, im trying to smile evryday, it herts cus i can't share to anyone cus there all bissy lol, but it doesn't matter who i am, but i no i have frinds somewhere, but not with me, but i'll try my best to make a new... im not depressed, not that i no of yet, but it's hard to share your feeligns, sometimes no one will understand cus well, it's cruel, but no matter for me, im trying to smile everyday and live the best everyday even im lovless, but thies things i hold are very hertful, but it's not my bissnes to solve them rite now.. maybe years or centerys, but im not GIVIGN UP!

im not much of a person to make convoes with a new person, i really suck, unless that othe rperson lieks my likeings, well i try to get to no the things they like, im trying my best, but idk why i can't adapt, ugh i must be the worst person... but well everyday and now i sit on the bench just sitting and not talking, but im not waiting for anyone to come up, well whats wrong with waitn,g but i can't get my hi hope all the time, so i don't wait and still i lay my head listening to music on the free time i have after my classes and well it's lonly with no one, well is till have no frinds at college and im not giving up, jjust i guess it's not the rite time i guess... UGH =_=

Guess what im bord, WHYYYYYYY? cuz the topic up there is like very borrrrrying also so that i will write soemthign to amuze you guys that really really is ok wiht me, but sadly i have not had an idia to make an exscuse to try and random stuff lol, so a last i will atempt to do a dance altho in real life, witch is hard to show online cuz i have no memory in my psp cam =_+ so, just use your imaginaton's or something....., or another desitions is to just draw or play oblivion or make a face while layoing on my bed at that laughoing poster over to my rite, witch u guys can't see cus a lass, i have no batteries in my cam lol

yea!!!! im on top noch...er.... huh? lol well im glad im getting better and talking to myself lol (sarcasum) lol and i can't spell sarcasum lol also my art will always be free from no charge no matter what unless im older and have a paypal, witch i do not no when the future lol, so, im happy i can do art for peopels fursona,s i really am happy to do it for them, but some i need to practice on other difrent speiceys and or aniimals like birds or panthers lol, it was my first tiem drawing squirrels and manthers with lynx ears and trying to do birds also lol but im moslty better at wolves and foxes lol so i'll try to do the best i can to make your art coem true or IM NO MIRICAL WORKER!!! lol (can't spell again) but give me time and it will be finished a day or so and i'll post it on my gallery so you can copy paste it to your documents or what ever you like to put it at ^^, and the reason i do my art is because i love doinign (duh) and so BLAH BLAH etc. etc. yah thx everybody for giving me insperation cuz of me looking at all of your arts no matter what it looks like ^^ *bows*

UGH idk , how come i smile so muhc lol but i smile for my frinds and for my family thats the most important in life to is to smile ^^.... well i have no care for me, but for my frinds cuz thats most importants, well ack! i like tot alk to myself alot, but this is my feelings, and no one may not understand but i guess thats just fine lol, but i'll smile to the ends of time, cuz ino that if i stop smiling for my frinds, then i won't be myself lol and im such a LOSER!!! but still i'll keep on smileing and moving forward wether it's loveless or wether i hope to keep moving on cuz courage is the magic that turns dreams into reality

I hate my school, well doesn't anyone else? lol yah you have good frinds and all, plus there more better then anything else in this school lol, well except of your favorate subject, well my fave is art, whitch i never took in high scool, whitch meaning i want to take IT!! but oh wells~ im now taking art 300 at college when i get there my first starting class in the morning times lol, heh , well the things i rember and regret rembering are at my school, witch are!!! Number 1: evrytime im sitting on a wall after school waiting for my mom to pick me up, i always see soemone kissing in front of me!!! you no how discusting that is, well no not really, but please, GET A ROOM!!!, NUmber 2: evrytime im sitting next to the wall on other days when waiting for my mom, some peopel have the nerv to just sit next to me or just stand very close like i was part of the group, when i do not have the clue of who the hell they ARE!!, and Number 3: well.... um i guess theres only 2 things i regret ever wanting to see in school, withc happens to be HIGH SCHOOL, no wait let me refraise that, (MY SCHOOL, ) and i hope it burns in hell for all i care cuz ive been there for 5 years, not because of droping out, only beacause i had to keep practicing on the stupid EXIT EXAM whitch i hate of all japan and the UNITED KINGDOM FOR SO HEL ME TO GOD I HATE IT AND THEN WANT TO EXPLODE IT TO TINY MICRO SCOPICK PEIACES AND THEN BLOW IT U SOME MORE!!!!!, THERE ARE YOU SATICEFIED SCHOOL? ARE U!??? lol well anyways thats why i regret those things from my school and shared it with all of you ^^

Heh now that im goingin to callege lol idk what to do, i wish someone i meet is furry or an anthro artist, or someone ether or just someone, that likes what i like, but i had fun time and bad times at my school , relly misss my frinds and yah i hope to find new ones but it's hard doinign work and finding frinds but i hop i get to see people from this site or soemthing ^^

wow, i never really thought all my frinds would make a surprise party for cuz im goinign to college *crys* xDD maybe it's becasue im to nice, well idk, but im very honnord and greatful, lol, City college im goining too, i hope i make great frinds like my others from high school lol, i hope to mkae furry frineds also or maybe just anthro artist or something xDD well im starting a new journy , but it will be difficult on times, but im sure i can beable to handle it (maybe) lol