as the subject said... my tooth is killing me! it is in the very back right and it is not being nice right now. i hardly can eat anything because it just hurts, even drinking has its difficulties. and there is no dentist that will take me since it is a weekend... damnit!

well i am used to pain....ill just meditate and calm myself and i will hope it just stops hurting until i can get it fixed.
this just blows... oh well what can i do... nadda

FOR YOUR CHARACTERS PEOPLE! lol
cheap and fun

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/...../#cid:24861932

she is looking for herms females males and whatever else she can manage
note her for details and i know you will smile when you see the outcome (ok no pun intended, but that is hard to miss huh?)

....... what are you still looking at this for? click the link and get in on all the smexyness!
....... go on *waves you off* shoo shooo!

first i want to direct your attentions to emmy's journal http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3140040/ she needs money for school and she is having one HELL of an awesome deal on pics right now, so if you can take advantage of a great deal when you see one, please help her out. like she said "every penny helps".

now as for updates,
my bunny and i got her taxes done and we then traded in her two door model S series mini cooper for a new 4 door "S" series mini cooper with a nav system and all the perks. we will only be paying a little more for it every month and she we are so happy with it.
this means that i will not be getting a new computer this year unless i can earn it myself, but you know what? i dont mind. i can say it with all honestly, i am just happy to see her so happy. she got promoted at work, she got a little more money, and she is loving every minute of it. so it is ok that i dont get a computer because (in ALL honesty) she is happy and i would take that over a new computer any day :)
aside from that i will probably not be getting any more money from SSA so i am in kinda trouble... i am having a hard time getting a job, because it seems that i need a job to get a job.... however the hell that works, and my meds are very expensive. i used to use that money for that and to help with rent and car payments, but noooo the system is going to screw me it seems. if in fact it i loose that money i will have to do whatever it takes to hold up my end, but it is going to be really really hard. i hope i can get a job. and maybe someday a real good one...until then i am in the dark. the ray of moonlight is my bunny being so happy with her car and her promotion to a position to a job she really loves. the old name of her little mini was "turbo" now her new mini is called "sheldon" in honor of the big bang theory's "sheldon COOPER" haha i named him myself and she loved it so it stuck

so there are ups and downs, but in my mind, the ups are better than the downs so far and for the time being i will just be happy and deal with other things as they happen.

in summery... HELP OUT AN EMMY! http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3140040/
and be well, all of you. i am ok and i hope you all are too.
i love you all, even those who dont like me, with all my heart, i love you all.

Lome
Nekoli
G

does anyone know how to post an animated gif here?? is that even possible? if so how big is it allowed to be? how tall and wide too? i cant make it a swf cause it is frame by frame in photoshop and that is how i am saving it (which i understand one can make .swf files cell by cell, but that isnt the way i did it and that isnt the way i want it displayed... personal preference)

does anyone know?

my dreams have not been comming through well enough for me to get much finished and posted that is any good... i need new inspiration i think... or maybe i need to brush up on my technique.. just sucks. the stuff i have been putting out i think i will delete them... they are just not up to my standards.

if anyone has any ideas on how to get my inspiration back i am open to hear them.. i really need to see my dreams right now,... they are fading in and out... nothing is clear except things i am not supposed to draw... things that mean something

oh well i will get back into the flow someday soon i hope.

anyone have any ideas how to jump start my brain?

luckily my account had enough to pay for most of a new wacom tablet, so i now have an intos 4 wired pad. it is interesting to use.. so much more precise.. but it has a strange finish to it. it is texturized in an interesting way, but i love it... i hope i can make more art soon.. i need to take some time off, but i will definitely be checking and commenting here, so feel free to post. i will be around.

my table's wire was so worn that today it finally severed almost clean through... i have no tablet.

on the up side i have the money in my SSA account to help me replace it so i just have to live for a few days.. maybe more... before i can get a new one..

it had a good run...6 years isnt bad. sucks though

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3038260/

 xchiseaxmargaritax who is a dear friend, needs a commission. she has a wonderful, fun, style and sells them for cheap so please give her a look? as a favor for me please just look ok people :)

luv you all

midnight two days ago was your 15 year... i miss you and your mom so much it hurts. and now here i am. i am not alone anymore, though i feel that way sometimes. people are probably annoyed with me about it all but i just want to say that i am so sorry my child.

i wish i could have done more. more for you in life, and more to honor your memory. listening to you in the womb... feeling you between life and death for the short time that i got to... it was some of the happiest hours and days of my life. i will never forget you or you mom.
you are in my mind and heart every minute of every day but today, now that i have no voices blocking me, nor do i have a cutting addiction that is out of control... i dont know.... i dont know if i am happy or sad... i dont know if i can just remember or should i try to forget again. i dont know how to act. how does one deal with pain, and happiness. with death and life.. do i love or hate myself for all i did?
though it is very true i am happier than i can remember being, at this time of year.. on you and your mom's death day.. i miss you both so so much.. i wish i could just let go... or is that what i am doing? i cant tell.
i dont know what i am trying to say except thank you so so very much. thank you for being there when you were. thank you for coming to me so many times since. thank you for showing me that i am more than just myself and thanks for showing me death's touch. it is so beautiful, but not as beautiful as you and your mom. i will never forget your feeling and the happy days i spent with the both of you.
you both made me what i am. i will always be grateful for that. i will do my best to honor you both for the rest of my life. i love you

i love you both so so much. i am sad.. i am happy, but sad.. i dont know what i am. just me i suppose. i hope that that is enough...

i hope you can forgive me... i am still trying to forgive myself, but i am getting there.
______

so sorry to all here on FA and DA because i have been neglecting everyone. i am just having such a hard time. i am so confused.

i just want you all to know, that though i may never truly know you, with a few exceptions.. and you know who you are... and though i may never laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you... i love you.
to all.. i love you....


lome

everyone go here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/702...../#cid:50265271 and show her some love! she is having a kickass auction for cheap smexy pics that are going to rock!

go on and check it out....doooooooo eeeeet
you wont be sorry and who knows.. the winner could be you.

 xchiseaxmargaritax and  Shadowpelt i cant wait to meet you two! i am so excited! this saturday is going to be so interesting and fun! i hope you dont mind my little quarks and nuttyness.

i lost so many friends in the past, but it is quality over quantity.. you two are just that, and i cant wait to tell you that in person. but be aware that you are going to get hugs! lol! if you dont want them just let me know but i am a cuddly huggy person.
__

i dreamed i saw an old friend last night. he killed himself years ago, but he has been around ever since. he was quite the poet. he told me last night when i asked:
" i guess the third life isnt like the first two..."
he said "you are right. sometimes it is even better."
he hugged me and i woke up. i didnt want to wake, but i needed to help my bunny off to work.

and so far he is right. since my last death i have been married to a wonderful woman, i have reconnected with a few people i had thought i lost. and i even met some new wonderfu people (girls i am talking about you two ) and though i lost my grandpa to death's touch, i have gained so much that i am acutally happy and havet had many nightmares this season. i am doing it... i am living. i no longer though i could... but i am.
___

gods i am so happy and though i lost my loves on the 25th of this month.. and i remember the ideas she gave me and how much those ideas meant to all she touched... i will never forget the woman, and child, and what they meant to me. and i think that, that really can be enough.
i think that that is finally enough.

"if everyone cared
and nobody cried.
if everyone loved
and nobody lied.
if everyone shared
and swallowed their pride

we'd see the day, when nobody died."

~ if everyone cared
nickelback

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/...../#cid:23335837

go show her some love everyone! her commissions are so cheap and she has such a cute style. just give it a chance and meet, if you dont already know her, one of the sweetest people on FA

zoezoe this is for you *huuuugs*

you saved my heart
you don't even know me
you saved my dream
you heard me scream

my lost soul was saved by a stranger
who saved my life
you saved my life

why did you do it
what made you stop and turn around
do you even know the reason
why you had to help me out

just when I knew it
it was my time to sink or swim
you came along and pulled me out
of all the trouble I was in

why did you do it
why did you risk your life for mine
who'd have done the same for you
who'd have saved you just in time

you saved my heart
you don't even know me
you saved my dream
you heard me scream

you saved my soul
love that you have shown me
you saved my life
you saved my life

NADIA - LIFE OF A STRANGER
__________

it is the little things, but good things can make all the difference in this life... thank you all. everyone who loved, cared or even inquired about me. you are all in my heart. some more than others and you know who you are i am sure. thank you all.

"and though i may never meet you in real life. though i may never laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, i love you. with all my heart... i love you."
Valerie said that in one of my fav movies and i live by it now. it's the truth.

When I was a young boy
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band
He said, "Son, when you grow up
Would you be the savior of the broken
The beaten and the damned??

He said, "Will you defeat them
Your demons and all the non-believers
The plans that they have made?
Because one day, I'll leave you
A phantom to lead you in the summer
To join the Black Parade"

Sometimes I get the feeling
She's watching over me
And other times I feel like I should go
And through it all, the rise and fall
The bodies in the streets
And when you're gone we want you all to know

We'll carry on, we'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone, believe me
Your memory will carry on, we'll carry on
And in my heart, I can't contain it
The anthem won't explain it

And while that sends you reeling
From decimated dreams
Your misery and hate will kill us all
So paint it black and take it back
Let's shout out loud and clear
Do you fight it to the end?

We hear the call to carry on, we'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone, believe me
Your memory will carry on, we'll carry on
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/my-chemical-romance-lyrics/welcome-to-the-black-parade-lyrics.html]
And though you're broken and defeated
You're weary widow marches

On and on we carry through the fears
Disappointed faces of your peers
Take a look at me
'Cause I could not care at all

Do or die, you'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Though you try, you'll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part

Won't explain or say I'm sorry
I'm unashamed, I'm gonna show my scar
Give a cheer for all the broken
Listen here, because it's only

I'm just a man, I'm not a hero
Just a boy who wanna sing his song
Just a man, I'm not a hero
I don't care!

We'll carry on, we'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone, believe me
Your memory will carry on, you'll carry on
And though you're broken and defeated
You're weary widow marches on

Do or die, you'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Though you try, you'll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part
(We'll carry on)

Do or die, you'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Though you try, you'll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part
(We'll carry on)

tagged by  xchiseaxmargaritax

11 things about me:
1.i have stress issues
2. i had 13 voices at once all talking in my head... very confusing
3. i am currently voice free
4. i am scared of being alone
5. i have died 2 times
6. i believe in love
7. i believe in the paranormal
8. i am pagan
9. i am allergic to the sun
10. i love new ideas
11. i love celtic music


My questions:
1. If there was any fictional place you could go, where would it be?
~ krynn from dragonlance, because i would fit in nicely there i think
2. Who is your favorite band/artist and why?
~dont have just one... there is no way i can name them all. nickleback is one of the ones hat come to mind right now i suppose
3. If you could date any celebrity/band member/ fictional character who would it be?
either
~netirri, avatar
or
~kira, the dark crystal
4. If you could have any picture drawn of you doing something, or someone doing something, what would it be of?
~ me holding my child while my bunny holds me from behind and my baby's mom smiling in the background.
5. What is a song, if you have one, that you cant get rid of and why?
~ "kiss the rain" -tracy Chapman, speaks to me
6. What is your favorite disney movie, if you like disney, and why?
~ mulan, for her non-conformity, bravery, and honor
7. WHOS YOUR FAVORITE OPOSSUM?!
~*smacks opossum* beat it dufus! love that movie haha
8. Who is your favorite super hero?
~ either batman or eric draven (the crow), if he counts. both had injustice done to them and both set things right by being the best they can be.
9. Do you have a fetish that no one knows about?
~ no, my bunny knows them all
10. Ever won a staring contest x3?
~once or twice
11. Have you ever fallen in love?
~yup, still am

i am afraid i cant tag anyone because i dont know enough people that read these to tag (and i am supposed to tag 11 of them) so if you want to do this you are invited

We both lie silently still
in the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did my words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why they say

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Yeah it does

I listen to her favourite song
playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say love's a game of easy come and easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here right now
If I could let you know somehow
I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but the scar, that scar will remain

I know I could saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways

and now I hear you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Took this from  xchiseaxmargaritax

Who eats more?
definitely her :p

2. Who said “I love you” first?
I did

3. Who is the morning person?
she is
4. Who sings better?
oh her truly! I am tone deff

5. Who’s older?
her haha

6. Who’s smarter?
that is her again lol

7. Whose temper is worse?
her yet again

8. Who does the laundry?
meee!

9. Who does the dishes?
mee!

10. Who sleeps on what side of the bed?
I sleep on the left sliver of the bed and she takes up all the room she wants

11. Whose feet are bigger?
mine

12. Whose hair is longer?
hers. Mine used to be but I have a bald spot now.. sucks

13. Who’s better with the computer?
I am better with PCs and she is better with Macs

14. Do you have pets?
no not really

15. Who pays the bills?
we both do, but she makes more

16. Who cooks dinner?
me :p

17. Who drives when you are together?
she cant stand to Not drive and I have no license anymore, so that would point directly to her

18. Who pays when you go out to dinner?
our bank accounts are combined…. We both do

19. Who’s the most stubborn?
holy hell that is her lol

20. Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
me usually

21. Whose family do you see more?
both. We live with mine, but see hers every weekend

22. Who named your pet?
no pet to name…right now anyway

23. Who kissed who first?
I kissed her first but she kissed me with passion first.. I was shy ;)

24. Who asked who out?
I asked her out on our first date, but we encountered each other by accident (if you believe in them)

25. What did you do on your first date?
batman begins. Which is when we shared our first real kiss too :p

26. Who’s more sensitive?
that could go either way with us

27. Who’s taller?
me, but not by much

28. Who has more friends?
she does

29. Who has more siblings?
I think she does.. she has quite a large family

30. Who takes the lead in the relationship?
she is the matriarch In the relationship. I serve her, by my own decision. I was raised where we put our women first and we are damned proud of it.
Whatever a woman can do better, her man can do for her. She is my Khaleesi, my queen, my love, and I would do anything for her even if it is as simple as making dinner and serving her. I love you bunnyhunny!

FINALLY! haha i am back and i am going to start to post again :) i still need more ram, but i am back in business so yay!

i think my graphics card is dead and that is why it had issues. i have to replace it. luckily the mid-high range ones are not that expensive as apposed to replacing the comp all together. maybe this is a gift in disguise. i had an out of date and older one before, well not that old or bad, but older. maybe i can replace it with something better and it can be a good thing. prolong the time i will need to get the money for a new computer all together.

i will try to make this a positive and not dwell on the negative. i hope to replace it in the coming months depending on bills and life, so i wont be able to submit any art it seems, or very little until i can replace it, so i am sorry to those i owe requests and commissions to....i will go as fast as i can i promise

maybe this is a blessing in disguise... * hits head and laughs* think positive, brain!

my comp is being stupid and i might have to format my hard drive... this blows. i am writing from my bunnyhunny's comp right now. i just hope i can repair it and that nothing is truly wrong with it. sorry to those who i am doing my commissions for.. i hope to be able to finish those asap but this will set me back unfortunately... just i hope not for too long.. sorry

i felt something was wrong when she came back 5 minutes ago and needed something from the house for work.... her god father died a few days ago. she just found out. my poor poor queen. i want to just hold her. i dont want her to suffer... she seems semi-ok but i hope it doesnt do what her aunt's passing did to her.

i dont know how he died. i didnt even know him.. but i know he is in a better place.. it is the living that get left behind that pay the price. she misses him i can see that. she is trying to be strong.. she doesnt need to be with me but i guess that will come with time, wen she accepts it.

RIP
may wings of angels deliver him to his rightful place, no matter where that is in all of theology.

my good friend  bloody_haiku is having money issues and her little, soon to be, 5 year old boy is having his bday real soon and she needs any help she can get coming up with money for a present. PLEASE at least advertise for her. she needs all the help she can get. donations and commissions are welcome. she is even having a pinup special right now so please visit here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2561278/

help out a friend, and one hell of an artist. please visit her for details

sorry everyone about my rant.. but guess what!?

my mom saw how upset i was and handed me the money for a new one in the form of a check. she said it is part of my education because i want to be an illustrator. and i am walking her dog at nights, which gives my mom and dad alone time to excsize and such so it is for services that i will be doing. though i would have done it for free, she insisted.. how awesome!

so i am sorry for the rant everyone, but it should be fine soon... might be a while before i post though.

now i just broke my wacom intos3 pen! snapped the chip inside in half. i am such an idiot!

they are like 60-80 bucks now that the prices online have gone up... even wacom.com doesnt have them for less than $67.

SONOFABITCH! i dont have the money and now i am at a stand still! :(

it will be a while till i can post any digital art now.. and i was in the middle of a pic too....*pouts and bitches* if things werent bad already.... damnit...

sorry i just had to get that out
*end rant*

my step aunt died a few days ago. i have been distant here because she was so sick. she got cancer. she was barely 60. i really miss her and worse, my mom in law isnt doing as well as i hoped she would. the whole family is having a really hard time. i have known death. i have been dead. death is easy. death is a release. she isnt in pain anymore, this i know. it is what she left behind that is in hurting now. soon i hope that those left behind will see that it is a good hurt. something they dont have to dispair in feeling. it keeps her with us, all the happiness and warmth she kept in her home and heart just being with us where we go. the is the piece that which she can leave with us so we dont forget. someday, i hope, it will turn to mostly joy of having known her.

until then we hurt, and i must be strong for my families....... i miss that kind wonderful woman. she treated me like her own. and to me, she was my family from the start. i hope i can do something for them the way they saved me from my own demons.. from death.

i am sorry i have been so distant. i am sorry to you all. i wish this could have never happened, that i can take all this back... but i cant.

R.I.P. my aunt. i miss you and i will keep you alive, in some small way. i will take care of them as best as i can, and you will never truly die.