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Sorry for disappearing
Posted 9 years agoHey guys I just realised the last submission I made was a sketch four months ago.
Whoops.
Between my job and still dying computer I've not had the time, inclination, nor really the ability to do much art. I'd say it's half general depression and half wanting to punch my computer becuase photoshop hardly functions on it anymore.
No clue as to when I'll get back to drawing more. Hopefully maybe perhaps by June I'll have a new laptop.
While I've been gone something great happened: in February I met my long time friend and fiancée finally. She lives in England and I was finally able to afford to see her for two weeks. So yeah that plane ticket is the reason I don't have a new laptop, but honestly it was worth it.
So yeah. From time to time I post sketches on my sketch blog http://drawings-of-mieyth.tumblr.com but as I said before I've just not been producing much art recently so it's kinda threadbare too
Whoops.
Between my job and still dying computer I've not had the time, inclination, nor really the ability to do much art. I'd say it's half general depression and half wanting to punch my computer becuase photoshop hardly functions on it anymore.
No clue as to when I'll get back to drawing more. Hopefully maybe perhaps by June I'll have a new laptop.
While I've been gone something great happened: in February I met my long time friend and fiancée finally. She lives in England and I was finally able to afford to see her for two weeks. So yeah that plane ticket is the reason I don't have a new laptop, but honestly it was worth it.
So yeah. From time to time I post sketches on my sketch blog http://drawings-of-mieyth.tumblr.com but as I said before I've just not been producing much art recently so it's kinda threadbare too
So my computer is breaking
Posted 9 years agoand while it still currently functions normally, I don’t know if the physical issues are going to turn into performance issues.
So ironically I would like to post a reminder of the fact I am always open for commissions!! I don’t post art very often but… yeah.
I am really really trying hard to save up to afford a new computer but between trying to see my partner in February or March and now having to worry about my computer possibly going tits up any time… I could use the extra cash.
And… yeah. I feel shitty about this but if anybody likes my art and has a few bucks to spare please consider commissioning me please. Even a boost of my commission info would mean the world to me.
Due to the aforementioned issue, I am going to reduce my prices on commissions. AND if my computer does break before I am able to start your commission; I will fully refund your money. If it breaks after I’ve started it I will either refund most of your money or give you a discount and finish it after I get the new computer set up.
.......
Current Commission Prices:
Sketches - 5 USD
These can range from busts to fullbody with moderate background.
The level of looseness and detail of these sketches will mostly depend on how complex the commissioner wants it (background, number of characters, etc)
Inked/Line art - 8 USD
Basically refined sketches; more detail and attention to anatomy. Generally the lines are cleaner and less loose than this.
These can come in busts all the way to full body with moderately detailed backgrounds
Colour Sketches - 12 USD
Coloured sketches can be done in flats or with simple shading. Generally the lines are a bit more cleaner than simple sketches but not quite as refined as lines.
These can come in busts all the way to full body with moderately detailed backgrounds.
Full Renderings 20 USD
These are my fully rendered paintings. They can take quite a while depending on the level of complexity and number of characters.
These can come in busts all the way to full body with detailed backgrounds.
...
Thank you very for taking the time to read this becuase yeah. While a computer isn’t a necessity.. I am very terrified of it dying especially since that may require sacrificing my trip to see my partner (as a summer trip is out of the question). And without a computer I also have no real contact with them either.
I’ll stop angsting now before I embarrass myself.
So ironically I would like to post a reminder of the fact I am always open for commissions!! I don’t post art very often but… yeah.
I am really really trying hard to save up to afford a new computer but between trying to see my partner in February or March and now having to worry about my computer possibly going tits up any time… I could use the extra cash.
And… yeah. I feel shitty about this but if anybody likes my art and has a few bucks to spare please consider commissioning me please. Even a boost of my commission info would mean the world to me.
Due to the aforementioned issue, I am going to reduce my prices on commissions. AND if my computer does break before I am able to start your commission; I will fully refund your money. If it breaks after I’ve started it I will either refund most of your money or give you a discount and finish it after I get the new computer set up.
.......
Current Commission Prices:
Sketches - 5 USD
These can range from busts to fullbody with moderate background.
The level of looseness and detail of these sketches will mostly depend on how complex the commissioner wants it (background, number of characters, etc)
Inked/Line art - 8 USD
Basically refined sketches; more detail and attention to anatomy. Generally the lines are cleaner and less loose than this.
These can come in busts all the way to full body with moderately detailed backgrounds
Colour Sketches - 12 USD
Coloured sketches can be done in flats or with simple shading. Generally the lines are a bit more cleaner than simple sketches but not quite as refined as lines.
These can come in busts all the way to full body with moderately detailed backgrounds.
Full Renderings 20 USD
These are my fully rendered paintings. They can take quite a while depending on the level of complexity and number of characters.
These can come in busts all the way to full body with detailed backgrounds.
...
Thank you very for taking the time to read this becuase yeah. While a computer isn’t a necessity.. I am very terrified of it dying especially since that may require sacrificing my trip to see my partner (as a summer trip is out of the question). And without a computer I also have no real contact with them either.
I’ll stop angsting now before I embarrass myself.
Sorry for the massive sketch dump!
Posted 10 years agoI going to update my scraps folder a little bit to contain examples of more sketches. Sorry for the spam!
Gryphon Tea Blend Collection!
Posted 10 years agoI've known for a few years now that Adagio has Fandom Collections where basically people make teas based on characters (or places) of various fandoms, but not being in any I've never had the chance enjoy them.
So I decided that I want to make Gryphon Collection!
Basically, with input and suggests from others, I'll make a bunch of teas to go with various types of gryphons. And I'll make illustrations for each package! For example, a hippogryph would probably be a lemongrass and apple tea. A songbird gryphon might be forest berries and hojicha or Pu'erh Dante tea.
I also want to include close gryphon relatives such as the Opinicus, Simurgh, Rukhs, and maybe Garuda.
Thus far on my fore sure list is:
-Classic Eagle/Lion gryphon
-Classic Eagle/Horse hippogryph (lemongrass and apple)
-Songbird gryphon (forest berries and Pu'erh Dante)
-Hummingbird/mouse gryphon
-Opinicus
-Simurgh
-falcon/fox vulipgryph
-hawk/wolf lupagryph
But other than that I don't have any more ideas! So feel free to suggest gryphon combos or tea blend ideas.
So I decided that I want to make Gryphon Collection!
Basically, with input and suggests from others, I'll make a bunch of teas to go with various types of gryphons. And I'll make illustrations for each package! For example, a hippogryph would probably be a lemongrass and apple tea. A songbird gryphon might be forest berries and hojicha or Pu'erh Dante tea.
I also want to include close gryphon relatives such as the Opinicus, Simurgh, Rukhs, and maybe Garuda.
Thus far on my fore sure list is:
-Classic Eagle/Lion gryphon
-Classic Eagle/Horse hippogryph (lemongrass and apple)
-Songbird gryphon (forest berries and Pu'erh Dante)
-Hummingbird/mouse gryphon
-Opinicus
-Simurgh
-falcon/fox vulipgryph
-hawk/wolf lupagryph
But other than that I don't have any more ideas! So feel free to suggest gryphon combos or tea blend ideas.
Gallery Cleaning
Posted 10 years agoIf you look at my gallery, you may notice it is rather empty now.
But do not fret! All my old work is now in the scraps folder. So that is a thing. Yay for a clean, concise gallery! I'll be doing the same for my DA, too.
That is all.
But do not fret! All my old work is now in the scraps folder. So that is a thing. Yay for a clean, concise gallery! I'll be doing the same for my DA, too.
That is all.
Streaming perhaps?
Posted 10 years agoNow that I have a graphics tablet, it probably will be possible to stream. Not sure yet if my computer will be capable of running OBS and photoshop, but I could give it a shot!
I figured I'd stream on Tigerdile perhaps due to the fact I'd probs steam adult content quite a bit. Some personal art and some Golden Sands, or any commissions I may get. Maybe even the occasional stream sketch raffle thing? Pretty much whatever takes my fancy in all honesty. Granted, I am not a really good digital artist and I am completely confident that I'll end up having to do mid-stream tutorial research but, I do think it'd be good fun to art and have company doing it.
So... thoughts? Would any of my followers be interested in a stream?
I figured I'd stream on Tigerdile perhaps due to the fact I'd probs steam adult content quite a bit. Some personal art and some Golden Sands, or any commissions I may get. Maybe even the occasional stream sketch raffle thing? Pretty much whatever takes my fancy in all honesty. Granted, I am not a really good digital artist and I am completely confident that I'll end up having to do mid-stream tutorial research but, I do think it'd be good fun to art and have company doing it.
So... thoughts? Would any of my followers be interested in a stream?
Holidays and Golden Sands
Posted 10 years agoHappy holidays, guys! I personally had a really relaxing Christmas for once and it was quite lovely.
For it I got a graphics tablet! It's this one to be exact and thus far I am in love.
To be honest, I really haven't done much in the way of digital art before this tablet so it's going to be quite the experience learning how. BUT I am really excited and look forwards to the journey! Most likely I'll be doing a lot of sketches and experimention before I try and really tackle something big.
Something like The Golden Sands!
I am working on the cover however! That will be in colour, but I think I am just going to stick to having the main comic in black and white for now while I am still learning. Doing it grey scale will also let me to work faster, and being slow as is, that'll greatly help.
Another thing that a tablet is great for is that I'll probably be doing a lot more sketches than I would have done otherwise! Now that I don't have to fight with a camera or scanner, I'm free to doodle and share those doodles. I'll try not to infest my FA or DA galleries, so in all likilihood, I am going to be using my art tumblr blog for... well all my art stuff. Sketches and completed work, and maybe some art ramblings. But mostly just drawings. My tumblr will probably be more active than my FA and DA galleries for that reason!
Anyways, Imma go play with this silly tablet now. Hope y'all had good holidays or vacations!
For it I got a graphics tablet! It's this one to be exact and thus far I am in love.
To be honest, I really haven't done much in the way of digital art before this tablet so it's going to be quite the experience learning how. BUT I am really excited and look forwards to the journey! Most likely I'll be doing a lot of sketches and experimention before I try and really tackle something big.
Something like The Golden Sands!
I am working on the cover however! That will be in colour, but I think I am just going to stick to having the main comic in black and white for now while I am still learning. Doing it grey scale will also let me to work faster, and being slow as is, that'll greatly help.
Another thing that a tablet is great for is that I'll probably be doing a lot more sketches than I would have done otherwise! Now that I don't have to fight with a camera or scanner, I'm free to doodle and share those doodles. I'll try not to infest my FA or DA galleries, so in all likilihood, I am going to be using my art tumblr blog for... well all my art stuff. Sketches and completed work, and maybe some art ramblings. But mostly just drawings. My tumblr will probably be more active than my FA and DA galleries for that reason!
Anyways, Imma go play with this silly tablet now. Hope y'all had good holidays or vacations!
NaNoWriMo!
Posted 11 years agoIt's that time of year again where I go crazy and attempt to write a whole novel in 31 days! :D Last year was really successful and collimated in the publication of my first novel later that year.
My novel doesn't really have anthro's in it, so I shall spare my watchers on here from all the human-y nonsense. However, I WILL update it on my writing blog ( writings-of-mieyth.tumblr.com ) pretty much everyday!
If you are doing NaNo this year, I'd LOVE to be writing buddies! :D You can add me here: http://nanowrimo.org/participants/mieyth-wolftear and I will very much love to read what you have written.
Before I leave here is a quick synopsis of the novel I am writing called Unreadable:
"In order to adapt and survive in modern times, vampires have embraced their stereotypes to the fullest. So much so that nobody on earth would actually believe they are "vampyres" and instead are overly pretentious goth kids that just need to grow up already.While unable to read minds, they certainly can read people quite well, except the one out to destroy them all."
Though, a note, as with all of my writings, will very much have LGBT representation and depictions of mental illnesses. So there is that!
I won't be working on too much art in the meanwhile, except perhaps sketches. After that, I'll get back to working on art. Hopefully before the end of the year I'll be getting a graphics tablet and when I do... I'll seriously start working on the glorious return of The Golden Sands!
My novel doesn't really have anthro's in it, so I shall spare my watchers on here from all the human-y nonsense. However, I WILL update it on my writing blog ( writings-of-mieyth.tumblr.com ) pretty much everyday!
If you are doing NaNo this year, I'd LOVE to be writing buddies! :D You can add me here: http://nanowrimo.org/participants/mieyth-wolftear and I will very much love to read what you have written.
Before I leave here is a quick synopsis of the novel I am writing called Unreadable:
"In order to adapt and survive in modern times, vampires have embraced their stereotypes to the fullest. So much so that nobody on earth would actually believe they are "vampyres" and instead are overly pretentious goth kids that just need to grow up already.While unable to read minds, they certainly can read people quite well, except the one out to destroy them all."
Though, a note, as with all of my writings, will very much have LGBT representation and depictions of mental illnesses. So there is that!
I won't be working on too much art in the meanwhile, except perhaps sketches. After that, I'll get back to working on art. Hopefully before the end of the year I'll be getting a graphics tablet and when I do... I'll seriously start working on the glorious return of The Golden Sands!
Drawing Tablets?
Posted 11 years agoSo, as per my last journal: my scanner died.
I had been musing about the idea of trying my hand at digital art before... but in light of this recent loss it's become more and more a thing in my mind. I would still try to primarily be a traditional artist as I really love it, but I think the flexibility and forgivablity of digital media might be beneficial. I still have a hard time with contrast and colours becuase you don't get much leeway with traditional mediums. Digital, however, is a different story. And it also doesn't matter if I can't get to a scanner.
So, does anybody have suggestions on... at least relatively cheap drawing tablets? As it's not going to be a primary thing they don't have to be the greatest things ever, but yeah. I'd prefer something under 50 USD (for now) as I am broke.
I had been musing about the idea of trying my hand at digital art before... but in light of this recent loss it's become more and more a thing in my mind. I would still try to primarily be a traditional artist as I really love it, but I think the flexibility and forgivablity of digital media might be beneficial. I still have a hard time with contrast and colours becuase you don't get much leeway with traditional mediums. Digital, however, is a different story. And it also doesn't matter if I can't get to a scanner.
So, does anybody have suggestions on... at least relatively cheap drawing tablets? As it's not going to be a primary thing they don't have to be the greatest things ever, but yeah. I'd prefer something under 50 USD (for now) as I am broke.
My scanner died :D
Posted 11 years agoYaaaay! :D
But seriously. My scanner is dead and no longer working. I might have another one around here that could work... but who knows. And becuase I don't have a camera (of any quality), there will be no more art from me for quite a while.
Tbh, it makes me feel rather defeated to the point of I am not sure if I really want to draw in the meantime. I guess we shall see.
Either way, there will be no art for gods know how long unless I visit somebody with a scanner or I decide to join the darkside and do digital stuff.
But seriously. My scanner is dead and no longer working. I might have another one around here that could work... but who knows. And becuase I don't have a camera (of any quality), there will be no more art from me for quite a while.
Tbh, it makes me feel rather defeated to the point of I am not sure if I really want to draw in the meantime. I guess we shall see.
Either way, there will be no art for gods know how long unless I visit somebody with a scanner or I decide to join the darkside and do digital stuff.
Suggestions?
Posted 11 years agoI generally keep a little note card on my desk of ideas to draw, but recently none of the ones I have written down hold no real interest for me. For now, that is. So, I am open for... suggestions. I am hesitant to call them "requests" as I may or may not do them, or if I do, I might only use the loose idea.
So, if you have any suggestions for drawings, leave a comment! (Note, they can be just about everything, sfw or nsfw. Though, if it's something with technology or vehicles... those are not my strong points so yeah)
So, if you have any suggestions for drawings, leave a comment! (Note, they can be just about everything, sfw or nsfw. Though, if it's something with technology or vehicles... those are not my strong points so yeah)
art tumblr
Posted 11 years agoI made a tumblr specifically for my artsy things.
Here be it! http://drawings-of-mieyth.tumblr.com/
Mostly it's there as another gallery, but I'll also occassionally -eventually- reblog art inspiration or just really epic things I've found. :)
Here be it! http://drawings-of-mieyth.tumblr.com/
Mostly it's there as another gallery, but I'll also occassionally -eventually- reblog art inspiration or just really epic things I've found. :)
I'm a published author now! :D
Posted 11 years agoOkay... I just realised that I haven't made a post on here in literally a year.
Whoops...
So update time!
I am doing well, and have been pretty alright this past year. Not much has been happening to be honest. In order I've acquired a partner, decided and am planning to move to England for Uni, acquired my first computer of my very own, published a book, started on a second book, and inbetween has been sketching a good deal. That's the main gist of things really.
In case you are wondering, my book is here and I would be forever grateful if you decided to pick up a copy becuase of the impending University tuition doom and every bit really does help a LOT.
But yeah! I shall endevour to make my FA appropriate art to post at some point in time seeings how I haven't done so in FAR too long. Actually, I have really missed drawing anthros, so I'll have to get to work on fixing that!
Whoops...
So update time!
I am doing well, and have been pretty alright this past year. Not much has been happening to be honest. In order I've acquired a partner, decided and am planning to move to England for Uni, acquired my first computer of my very own, published a book, started on a second book, and inbetween has been sketching a good deal. That's the main gist of things really.
In case you are wondering, my book is here and I would be forever grateful if you decided to pick up a copy becuase of the impending University tuition doom and every bit really does help a LOT.
But yeah! I shall endevour to make my FA appropriate art to post at some point in time seeings how I haven't done so in FAR too long. Actually, I have really missed drawing anthros, so I'll have to get to work on fixing that!
Oh, I guess I should update this
Posted 12 years agoYeah, I havent been making art or been on the computer as of late.
I'm slowly working on a novel but even that isn't going anywhere.
I was in a mental hospital not too long ago and that's just about all that's happened in the past few months. So yeah.
Um, perhaps sometime I'll upload a sketch dump of things I've been working on the past few months.
I'm slowly working on a novel but even that isn't going anywhere.
I was in a mental hospital not too long ago and that's just about all that's happened in the past few months. So yeah.
Um, perhaps sometime I'll upload a sketch dump of things I've been working on the past few months.
Oh yeah...birthday. Joy.
Posted 12 years agoSo...I'm 19 now.
Yay.
I think I'm so suppose to be happy I was evicted from my mother's womb 19 trips around the sun ago.
Yaaaaayy....
Yay.
I think I'm so suppose to be happy I was evicted from my mother's womb 19 trips around the sun ago.
Yaaaaayy....
Unimportant ranty rambling shit
Posted 12 years agoHey guys, it's been like what? A month since my last journal? And...god knows how long since my last submission. This is just a little update, partially to explain why I haven't been posting anything and partially to explain I will continue my absence.
So here is the gist of things before I sink back into the darkness.
Still depressed.
Still cutting. Stopped for awhile, but it's back.
Parents found out I self harm. They care more about removing the scars then WHY they are there.
Two fools have made the mistake in thinking they like me. I pity them.
I almost killed myself. Twice.
I still live on my couch and haven't slept in a bed in three months. Neck and back hurt a lot because of this.
I finally opened my own checking account.
Got to see my best friend which I hadn't seen since June for a few hours.
Got a kindle fire...so I pretty much never leave my couch unless I have to now.
I might be moving to Australia.
...That about sums up my life so far.
See ya'll in a few more months, if at all I guess.
So here is the gist of things before I sink back into the darkness.
Still depressed.
Still cutting. Stopped for awhile, but it's back.
Parents found out I self harm. They care more about removing the scars then WHY they are there.
Two fools have made the mistake in thinking they like me. I pity them.
I almost killed myself. Twice.
I still live on my couch and haven't slept in a bed in three months. Neck and back hurt a lot because of this.
I finally opened my own checking account.
Got to see my best friend which I hadn't seen since June for a few hours.
Got a kindle fire...so I pretty much never leave my couch unless I have to now.
I might be moving to Australia.
...That about sums up my life so far.
See ya'll in a few more months, if at all I guess.
New Project is LIVE! :D
Posted 13 years agoHello guise!
My new project is LIVE! http://self-harm-bracelets.tumblr.com/ <-- The website for it!
I'm really excited! With in the first 24 hours of it's birth I've already gotten two requests for Self Harm Recovery packages and will be sending them out on Monday.
While my own addiction is getting worse...I still want to help others with theirs so I started this little project. :)
For now it's funded completely out of pocket...but hopefully I'll be able to pay for it all out of a combination of donations and from my commissions (of which I am open for. ;) )
My new project is LIVE! http://self-harm-bracelets.tumblr.com/ <-- The website for it!
I'm really excited! With in the first 24 hours of it's birth I've already gotten two requests for Self Harm Recovery packages and will be sending them out on Monday.
While my own addiction is getting worse...I still want to help others with theirs so I started this little project. :)
For now it's funded completely out of pocket...but hopefully I'll be able to pay for it all out of a combination of donations and from my commissions (of which I am open for. ;) )
New Personal Project
Posted 13 years agoHey guys. I want to start up a little project soon for self harm recovery soon.
Granted I know this has very little to do with art...but it's something really dear to me.
My idea is very similar to the Bracelets for Blades project on Tumblr.(http://bracelets4bladesproject.tumblr.com/)
I will offer self harm recovery/awareness bracelets. The SH recovery bracelets will come with three things: A red beaded bracelet, a white beaded bracelet and a personal handwritten letter from me. The SH awareness bracelets will come with a red beaded bracelet, a black (or gray) and white bracelet and a handwritten letter from me.
To get the recovery bracelet, you’ll have to email me your name, address and your story. You will also have to promise to try and stop self harming. If you cut, throw the blades away, if you purge or have ED work on lessening the amount of times you purge, try and eat more everyday, ect. As long as you are working on getting better, you deserve a bracelet.
To get an awareness bracelet, you’ll have to email me with your name and address. If you have a story I would love to hear it. If you do self harm but are not looking to stop, that is fine. I’ll encourage you to at least be safe or seek medical help.
If all goes well, I might include little gray ribbons with each set I send out. A gray ribbon is often used for mental health support/awareness. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gray_ribbon
I don’t mind -actually I encourage- if you ask me for either package for a friend you know self harms. It’ll be a good way of showing that person you care. Perhaps get a recovery bracelet for the one affected and an awareness to support them.
These bracelets will be pretty simple. At least for now. About 35 red glass beads on elastic cord. For every $2.50 package of beads I can make about 3-4 bracelets.
When are start doing these…I am going to highly encourage people to donate (Even 5 dollars can allow me to make 9 or so bracelets) so I can keep this going as long as possible with good quality beads. I don’t want to have to buy the really cheap stuff….So the more support I can get, the better it is for everybody!
I also am an artist and I do commissions, so until I have to end this project, if you commission me 100% of the money WILL go towards keeping my bracelet project open.
Granted I know this has very little to do with art...but it's something really dear to me.
My idea is very similar to the Bracelets for Blades project on Tumblr.(http://bracelets4bladesproject.tumblr.com/)
I will offer self harm recovery/awareness bracelets. The SH recovery bracelets will come with three things: A red beaded bracelet, a white beaded bracelet and a personal handwritten letter from me. The SH awareness bracelets will come with a red beaded bracelet, a black (or gray) and white bracelet and a handwritten letter from me.
To get the recovery bracelet, you’ll have to email me your name, address and your story. You will also have to promise to try and stop self harming. If you cut, throw the blades away, if you purge or have ED work on lessening the amount of times you purge, try and eat more everyday, ect. As long as you are working on getting better, you deserve a bracelet.
To get an awareness bracelet, you’ll have to email me with your name and address. If you have a story I would love to hear it. If you do self harm but are not looking to stop, that is fine. I’ll encourage you to at least be safe or seek medical help.
If all goes well, I might include little gray ribbons with each set I send out. A gray ribbon is often used for mental health support/awareness. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gray_ribbon
I don’t mind -actually I encourage- if you ask me for either package for a friend you know self harms. It’ll be a good way of showing that person you care. Perhaps get a recovery bracelet for the one affected and an awareness to support them.
These bracelets will be pretty simple. At least for now. About 35 red glass beads on elastic cord. For every $2.50 package of beads I can make about 3-4 bracelets.
When are start doing these…I am going to highly encourage people to donate (Even 5 dollars can allow me to make 9 or so bracelets) so I can keep this going as long as possible with good quality beads. I don’t want to have to buy the really cheap stuff….So the more support I can get, the better it is for everybody!
I also am an artist and I do commissions, so until I have to end this project, if you commission me 100% of the money WILL go towards keeping my bracelet project open.
Hey :/
Posted 13 years agoHi guys..
So... I am going to be moving in with some friends as you may or may not know based on my other journals...
I don't know if I am getting better or worse. On the 7th I had a HUGE fucking melt down. This is copy pasted...but I think you'll get the idea.
(Laz, Rochelle and Laura are my room mates, or at least soon to be roommates and Rachel is the owner of the house but she actually doesn't spend much time living there anymore.)
xxxxxxx
"It wasn't until Tuesday...about 6 pm that I started feeling bad.
My dad had called me and told me that he was worried. That hadn't heard from me in two days and was concerned.
When I hung up with him...I checked the text message I got from my Mom on Monday...It said "If you are not home, your stuff will be in boxes and at the end of the driveway."
Needless to say...That didn't make me feel any better.
Wensday...
Oh god, that was a really crappy day.
My dad called me wondering when I was going to be home and I told him I was going to come home...but I was doing so only to pick up my stuff and that I was moving out that day.
Rachel had already gotten me house keys and everything.
was ready to move in...I knew for sure at that point that's what I wanted to do.
Well...Needless to say I am at my house now...NOT at Rachel's...
My dad was...fine with me moving out but not yet.
When I got home home, Rachel dropped me off, my dad said "It's good to have you home and be prepared... Mom did in fact pack a lot of your stuff in boxes.
I thought I was prepared for it.
I wasn't.
She really did clear out my room.
All the books on my self...Gone. My desk...Empty. The stuff on my Alter...Gone. Some of the art on my wall (including my depressive vent art...dissapered. All the clothes I hadn't already packed up were sitting in a laundry basket. There were no sheets on my bed. No curtains over my window.
I freaked the FUCK out.
...I flipped out so fucking hard you don't even know.
One of the reasons was that I couldn't find my pencil sharpener.
Why?
Well...
Just my undoing one screw...I can take it apart and it has the sharpest blade I own.Sharper then my x-acto and a million times better then any of my pocket knives.
And I couldn't find it.
I gave Laz my x-acto to hold onto until I left...but Rochelle wouldn't give it back to me. (Which just means the next time I go to the store I'll just get a new one)
So I was tearing through some of the boxes to find it....But I couldn't.
I didn't know what else to do...so I literally took off running from my house crying and trying to suppress a scream.
Eventually I tripped and fell in a feild....and just stayed there...
Screaming, crying and yelling my head off.I don't know if I'll have a voice for the next day or so.If nothing else...it'll be very hoarse.
When I can manage to stop screaming I finally FINALLY pick up the courage to call Rochelle, Laz and Laura just to hear them talk. I felt really guilty about it because I know Laz had just bought a new thing of Vodka and they were going to get shitfaced...and I was going to ruin their good mood. The three talk to me in turn. First Rochelle (whom's phone I called) then she handed it off to Laz. But Laura spent the most time talking to me simply because she had pretty much told her parents "BuBye! I don't care what you say, I'm moving out" so she was talking to me and stuff.
Eventually I stop crying so hard, pick myself out of the field and walk my ass home. Got on the computer and started to...well go on facebook, clear my messages and the like.
Then I started unpaking some of the boxes to get things I needed and started to pack up to leave and move in with Rachel."
xxxxxx
...So that was an interesting week...
And the best part was...I didn't cut! The shitty part was...that on Saturday I got new blades...and cut. The really terrible part...is that I keep underestimating my new blades and I've cut myself twice deeper then I tried.
But...I am going to be moving in with my friends once and for all on Wednesday...and knowing Rochelle she'll take all my blades away and force me to stop which will be good for me.
So...Um. Yeah. Just wanted to let you guys know that I am still alive...I know after my last post...It seemed really bad.
Stupid shit I've learned about myself:
1.I learned that I can not be drunk, depressed and alone at the same time. (But drunk and with my friends equals one really fucking happy gryphon. I is a happy and loud drunk apparently, that pounds alcohol quicker then my oldest roommate...xD
2.Never underestimate the sharpness of tiny razors...
3.Addictions suck.
4. Tumblr is the most loving and forgiving places ever....Also one of the most triggering.
I think I have enough dumbassity packed into one journal for now.
So onto the good news! I've been drawing some again. Not much...But it's something right? Both are funny/parodies based on some conversations I've had with friends. So sometime in the -hopefully- not to distant future I should have two more coloured works up.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Just because I don't respond to a comment doesn't mean I didn't read and re-read it. I always do. Sometimes...I just don't have words. <3 Thank you, I do read everything ya'll say.
So... I am going to be moving in with some friends as you may or may not know based on my other journals...
I don't know if I am getting better or worse. On the 7th I had a HUGE fucking melt down. This is copy pasted...but I think you'll get the idea.
(Laz, Rochelle and Laura are my room mates, or at least soon to be roommates and Rachel is the owner of the house but she actually doesn't spend much time living there anymore.)
xxxxxxx
"It wasn't until Tuesday...about 6 pm that I started feeling bad.
My dad had called me and told me that he was worried. That hadn't heard from me in two days and was concerned.
When I hung up with him...I checked the text message I got from my Mom on Monday...It said "If you are not home, your stuff will be in boxes and at the end of the driveway."
Needless to say...That didn't make me feel any better.
Wensday...
Oh god, that was a really crappy day.
My dad called me wondering when I was going to be home and I told him I was going to come home...but I was doing so only to pick up my stuff and that I was moving out that day.
Rachel had already gotten me house keys and everything.
was ready to move in...I knew for sure at that point that's what I wanted to do.
Well...Needless to say I am at my house now...NOT at Rachel's...
My dad was...fine with me moving out but not yet.
When I got home home, Rachel dropped me off, my dad said "It's good to have you home and be prepared... Mom did in fact pack a lot of your stuff in boxes.
I thought I was prepared for it.
I wasn't.
She really did clear out my room.
All the books on my self...Gone. My desk...Empty. The stuff on my Alter...Gone. Some of the art on my wall (including my depressive vent art...dissapered. All the clothes I hadn't already packed up were sitting in a laundry basket. There were no sheets on my bed. No curtains over my window.
I freaked the FUCK out.
...I flipped out so fucking hard you don't even know.
One of the reasons was that I couldn't find my pencil sharpener.
Why?
Well...
Just my undoing one screw...I can take it apart and it has the sharpest blade I own.Sharper then my x-acto and a million times better then any of my pocket knives.
And I couldn't find it.
I gave Laz my x-acto to hold onto until I left...but Rochelle wouldn't give it back to me. (Which just means the next time I go to the store I'll just get a new one)
So I was tearing through some of the boxes to find it....But I couldn't.
I didn't know what else to do...so I literally took off running from my house crying and trying to suppress a scream.
Eventually I tripped and fell in a feild....and just stayed there...
Screaming, crying and yelling my head off.I don't know if I'll have a voice for the next day or so.If nothing else...it'll be very hoarse.
When I can manage to stop screaming I finally FINALLY pick up the courage to call Rochelle, Laz and Laura just to hear them talk. I felt really guilty about it because I know Laz had just bought a new thing of Vodka and they were going to get shitfaced...and I was going to ruin their good mood. The three talk to me in turn. First Rochelle (whom's phone I called) then she handed it off to Laz. But Laura spent the most time talking to me simply because she had pretty much told her parents "BuBye! I don't care what you say, I'm moving out" so she was talking to me and stuff.
Eventually I stop crying so hard, pick myself out of the field and walk my ass home. Got on the computer and started to...well go on facebook, clear my messages and the like.
Then I started unpaking some of the boxes to get things I needed and started to pack up to leave and move in with Rachel."
xxxxxx
...So that was an interesting week...
And the best part was...I didn't cut! The shitty part was...that on Saturday I got new blades...and cut. The really terrible part...is that I keep underestimating my new blades and I've cut myself twice deeper then I tried.
But...I am going to be moving in with my friends once and for all on Wednesday...and knowing Rochelle she'll take all my blades away and force me to stop which will be good for me.
So...Um. Yeah. Just wanted to let you guys know that I am still alive...I know after my last post...It seemed really bad.
Stupid shit I've learned about myself:
1.I learned that I can not be drunk, depressed and alone at the same time. (But drunk and with my friends equals one really fucking happy gryphon. I is a happy and loud drunk apparently, that pounds alcohol quicker then my oldest roommate...xD
2.Never underestimate the sharpness of tiny razors...
3.Addictions suck.
4. Tumblr is the most loving and forgiving places ever....Also one of the most triggering.
I think I have enough dumbassity packed into one journal for now.
So onto the good news! I've been drawing some again. Not much...But it's something right? Both are funny/parodies based on some conversations I've had with friends. So sometime in the -hopefully- not to distant future I should have two more coloured works up.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Just because I don't respond to a comment doesn't mean I didn't read and re-read it. I always do. Sometimes...I just don't have words. <3 Thank you, I do read everything ya'll say.
Semi-Ranty Personal Life shit
Posted 13 years agoWhen I try to fix things…I ALWAYS end up making them worse. Fuck me. I know…I know that I messed up with so many people. I know this…What I don’t know is what to do, how to fix this. When I think things are looking up…I fuck up again.
Oh for a while I was doing good. Feeling amazing. Almost two weeks with out cutting, much less feeling the need to cut. Gods it was great. Things were looking up.
Why would I expect that would last?
I always seem to say and do the wrong things at the worst moments. While trying to defend one person, I gut the other….Oh how tired I am of being so scared. Then I find out that I’ve been… neglectful towards one of my closets friends. That recently I’ve been taking our relationship for granted. Three people in my life that I honestly do care about…In one day learn that I’ve hurt them all.
Why do I even bother trying? Why? Why don’t I just give up with people? Cut ties with most everybody except those that I need to keep in contact with for business reasons. I mean, fuck, I just end up hurting everybody so the best I could do for them is the leave ‘em all alone, right?
I honestly hope that one of these days -soon, too- I go to sleep and just…never wake up. I can’t hurt anybody if I know longer exist. Perhaps one night I will take a hand full of sleeping pills…I’m sure that would be best for all in the long run.
On some sort of a related note…I still haven’t been creating art recently. I mean…I drew one picture for my friend/future roommate…that’s ‘bout it. My camera is broken…so I don’t get to work on my photography (Which I really have been wanting to do) Oh…and I am going for NaNoWriMo this year. The book will be based on real events that have happened to me mid October…so that should be fun.
Sorry, once again I am using my art journals to vent...
Oh for a while I was doing good. Feeling amazing. Almost two weeks with out cutting, much less feeling the need to cut. Gods it was great. Things were looking up.
Why would I expect that would last?
I always seem to say and do the wrong things at the worst moments. While trying to defend one person, I gut the other….Oh how tired I am of being so scared. Then I find out that I’ve been… neglectful towards one of my closets friends. That recently I’ve been taking our relationship for granted. Three people in my life that I honestly do care about…In one day learn that I’ve hurt them all.
Why do I even bother trying? Why? Why don’t I just give up with people? Cut ties with most everybody except those that I need to keep in contact with for business reasons. I mean, fuck, I just end up hurting everybody so the best I could do for them is the leave ‘em all alone, right?
I honestly hope that one of these days -soon, too- I go to sleep and just…never wake up. I can’t hurt anybody if I know longer exist. Perhaps one night I will take a hand full of sleeping pills…I’m sure that would be best for all in the long run.
On some sort of a related note…I still haven’t been creating art recently. I mean…I drew one picture for my friend/future roommate…that’s ‘bout it. My camera is broken…so I don’t get to work on my photography (Which I really have been wanting to do) Oh…and I am going for NaNoWriMo this year. The book will be based on real events that have happened to me mid October…so that should be fun.
Sorry, once again I am using my art journals to vent...
Wow....
Posted 13 years agoHey guys!
I am seriously thinking about writing the events of the past few weeks down into a trilogy or perhaps a script for a mini-serise. So much has been going on. Somedays I wonder what I got myself wrapped into.
As you may know, I've been really sinking into my depression recently and that I've been taking care of a suicidal friend. Well...yeah. It's so much more than that. I am actually writing this all down in my physical journal and as soon as I finish I'll type that bitch up and post it for ya'll. It should be quite intertaining if nothing else.
I've been stupidly busy with personal issues so yea...I'm pretty active on my tumblr, but as for anything else? Nope. Havn't really drawn much in a long time, much less paint. Mostly I've been talking to my friends, keeping track of what's up. Making sure shit doesn't hit the fan too badly and the like.
On semi-related news I am going to be moving in with a friend (Whom I often call Momma) and her room-mate (which we just so happen to be friends with benefits. aw yeah.) With in the next two weeks or so if I get blessings from my parents to do so. That should be good for my mental health. I'm also going to get a job so I am not a bum when I live there, I can help pay for food and gas and such. So hopefully I'll be living there untill January or so when I go into the military.
Anyways. More details to come. Eventually. XD
I am seriously thinking about writing the events of the past few weeks down into a trilogy or perhaps a script for a mini-serise. So much has been going on. Somedays I wonder what I got myself wrapped into.
As you may know, I've been really sinking into my depression recently and that I've been taking care of a suicidal friend. Well...yeah. It's so much more than that. I am actually writing this all down in my physical journal and as soon as I finish I'll type that bitch up and post it for ya'll. It should be quite intertaining if nothing else.
I've been stupidly busy with personal issues so yea...I'm pretty active on my tumblr, but as for anything else? Nope. Havn't really drawn much in a long time, much less paint. Mostly I've been talking to my friends, keeping track of what's up. Making sure shit doesn't hit the fan too badly and the like.
On semi-related news I am going to be moving in with a friend (Whom I often call Momma) and her room-mate (which we just so happen to be friends with benefits. aw yeah.) With in the next two weeks or so if I get blessings from my parents to do so. That should be good for my mental health. I'm also going to get a job so I am not a bum when I live there, I can help pay for food and gas and such. So hopefully I'll be living there untill January or so when I go into the military.
Anyways. More details to come. Eventually. XD
The people I meet...
Posted 13 years agoI just learned that somebody really close to me might have Borderline Personality Disorder. And I am willing to help them as much as possible…but gods it’s so much more complicated then that. Of course it is right? I want to love him, I do. I’ve had a huge crush on him for a while now and just learned that he is…very unstable. I don’t mind. I can put up with that. But…he also keeps hurting a friend I care for very deeply. So…that makes me want to hate him. But I can’t because I still want to love him.
Sorry I've been posting journals as often as one would a facebook status recently...but I like to vent. I hope ya'll don't mind.
Sorry I've been posting journals as often as one would a facebook status recently...but I like to vent. I hope ya'll don't mind.
The people I meet...
Posted 13 years agoI just learned that somebody really close to me might have Borderline Personality Disorder. And I am willing to help them as much as possible…but gods it’s so much more complicated then that. Of course it is right? I want to love him, I do. I’ve had a huge crush on him for a while now and just learned that he is…very unstable. I don’t mind. I can put up with that. But…he also keeps hurting a friend I care for very deeply. So…that makes me want to hate him. But I can’t because I still want to love him.
Sorry I've been posting journals as often as one would a facebook status recently...but I like to vent. I hope ya'll don't mind.
Sorry I've been posting journals as often as one would a facebook status recently...but I like to vent. I hope ya'll don't mind.
I'm Losing it...
Posted 13 years agoHey guys.
I am losing it....I really am. I'm not getting better...I am getting worse...
I have no real problems, or at least the ones I do have are amazingly petty and I fucking hate myself so much for it. I may not be able to afford to have hot water right now, or Tv, or nice clothes, I may have fucked myself over to the point that my parents are starting to hate me, I may be fat, I may not be as well educated as I should be, I may be truly forever alone…yet I have no reason to constantly depressed. Normally I used to be able to get out of the house and my “depression” would go away for a while…but as I sit here at my friend/boss’s house…I still feel like I am drowning.
I have no purpose, I am useless…not worth the air I breath or the atoms my body takes up. My friends I am with are hurting…the man I want to love -as I just learned- is a cutter/self harmer with suicidal tendencies (which strangely enough what I am becoming). How ironic. I have to take care of a self harmer when I allow myself to cut but will forbid him from ever doing such a thing
I can’t help with my volunteer job. Digging graves is getting really damn old.
I hate myself most of the time. Useless. Petty. No perspective on hardship. I am so much of a failure. Watching blood surface from my skin…to teach me pain. Physical pain, something somebody as petty and useless as myself wouldn't know. Fuck. I can’t even cut myself properly, to afraid of too much pain, afraid of the scars, afraid if somebody saw them. My friend/boss did once this weekend very briefly on accident. I brushed them off as cat scratches…thankfully she was was too sleepy to question this.
Why can’t I just finally get a good night’s rest and wake up perfectly fine and normal… :/
Last night…last night I kept cutting myself. Normally, two or three slices along my leg is enough to releave the desire. But last night I couldn't stop. My cuts are generally high enough that I can wear relatively short dresses or skirts, but when I went to try to wear my favourite dress for him today… I couldn't with out the fresh red cuts being very obvious. I'm getting worse and I don't know what to do...
I am losing it....I really am. I'm not getting better...I am getting worse...
I have no real problems, or at least the ones I do have are amazingly petty and I fucking hate myself so much for it. I may not be able to afford to have hot water right now, or Tv, or nice clothes, I may have fucked myself over to the point that my parents are starting to hate me, I may be fat, I may not be as well educated as I should be, I may be truly forever alone…yet I have no reason to constantly depressed. Normally I used to be able to get out of the house and my “depression” would go away for a while…but as I sit here at my friend/boss’s house…I still feel like I am drowning.
I have no purpose, I am useless…not worth the air I breath or the atoms my body takes up. My friends I am with are hurting…the man I want to love -as I just learned- is a cutter/self harmer with suicidal tendencies (which strangely enough what I am becoming). How ironic. I have to take care of a self harmer when I allow myself to cut but will forbid him from ever doing such a thing
I can’t help with my volunteer job. Digging graves is getting really damn old.
I hate myself most of the time. Useless. Petty. No perspective on hardship. I am so much of a failure. Watching blood surface from my skin…to teach me pain. Physical pain, something somebody as petty and useless as myself wouldn't know. Fuck. I can’t even cut myself properly, to afraid of too much pain, afraid of the scars, afraid if somebody saw them. My friend/boss did once this weekend very briefly on accident. I brushed them off as cat scratches…thankfully she was was too sleepy to question this.
Why can’t I just finally get a good night’s rest and wake up perfectly fine and normal… :/
Last night…last night I kept cutting myself. Normally, two or three slices along my leg is enough to releave the desire. But last night I couldn't stop. My cuts are generally high enough that I can wear relatively short dresses or skirts, but when I went to try to wear my favourite dress for him today… I couldn't with out the fresh red cuts being very obvious. I'm getting worse and I don't know what to do...
No Subject
Posted 13 years agoHey guys.
I just noticed I hadn't submitted anything in over a month...Yea, needless to say I've been busy. (Kinda)
As you all may know I helped run RuroniKon, a new local convention in the Rio Grande Valley and can honestly say that I was one of thouse who were at the top of the command chain. That was fun. (No really, I was stressed, broke down and cried twice, damaged my feet medically, but over looking the bad, it was one of the best experiences I've ever had.)
But something you guys may not know...is that I am finally over my depression. Or at least this spell, I doubt I've been "cured" of it. I know exactly why and when this happened and all I am really going to say about it is that it happened one day before the convention and have gained a really close friend becuase of this. Unfortuntally the past few days I've had a light inkling of my depression returning, and I think I know the exact cause of this one aswell. Actually, I think it's a bunch of events all happening about the same time that is starting to get to me...but I'll try to fend it off as best I can. That...or destroy the source of this suspected upcoming bout before it happens.
My dumbass has managed to get myself wrapped up in anouther slew of events that will take up some of my time. Granted, not a lot of it...but I suspect that I will not be creating much art either. Besides having other things to do...I am still pretty uninspired when it comes to art. (But when it comes to photography...there is so much I want to work on...yet I don'thave a working camera or any supplies to actually do nice shoots...regardless) So yea. I have two drawings plus an overdue trade that I'll be working on...other then that...yea...
The good news is that I get to chill at the beach with a bunch of friends this weekend, and next weekend my sister is going on a senior feild trip to Houston which means I'll be booted from the house that weekend as well...Anouther excuse to go hang out with friends! Yays! There is also two conventions coming up soon, so they should be fun.
After I get all this shit done...I don't even know.
I just noticed I hadn't submitted anything in over a month...Yea, needless to say I've been busy. (Kinda)
As you all may know I helped run RuroniKon, a new local convention in the Rio Grande Valley and can honestly say that I was one of thouse who were at the top of the command chain. That was fun. (No really, I was stressed, broke down and cried twice, damaged my feet medically, but over looking the bad, it was one of the best experiences I've ever had.)
But something you guys may not know...is that I am finally over my depression. Or at least this spell, I doubt I've been "cured" of it. I know exactly why and when this happened and all I am really going to say about it is that it happened one day before the convention and have gained a really close friend becuase of this. Unfortuntally the past few days I've had a light inkling of my depression returning, and I think I know the exact cause of this one aswell. Actually, I think it's a bunch of events all happening about the same time that is starting to get to me...but I'll try to fend it off as best I can. That...or destroy the source of this suspected upcoming bout before it happens.
My dumbass has managed to get myself wrapped up in anouther slew of events that will take up some of my time. Granted, not a lot of it...but I suspect that I will not be creating much art either. Besides having other things to do...I am still pretty uninspired when it comes to art. (But when it comes to photography...there is so much I want to work on...yet I don'thave a working camera or any supplies to actually do nice shoots...regardless) So yea. I have two drawings plus an overdue trade that I'll be working on...other then that...yea...
The good news is that I get to chill at the beach with a bunch of friends this weekend, and next weekend my sister is going on a senior feild trip to Houston which means I'll be booted from the house that weekend as well...Anouther excuse to go hang out with friends! Yays! There is also two conventions coming up soon, so they should be fun.
After I get all this shit done...I don't even know.
