I go to talk to my dad after dinner, and we chat a little bit about computer stuff.. Because my computer is getting worse.. Then he tells me that he just got off the phone with his father..

His mother passed away this morning.. This makes the third death in less than 6 months.. My grandfather on my dad's side is my last surviving biological grandparent..

So much for trying to stay on the positive side..

This is what's been on my mind for the past two months. Only a select few had been told up to this point, because I didn't want everybody worrying about something that might not even happen. A month or so ago, we had the landlords drop by, and make a 'surprise' inspection. The lawn hadn't been mowed in months, as neither I nor my father are capable, and the landscaper has been MIA, that was their only point of contention about the condition of the property.

It was after the inspection that they began to talk with my parents. I stood and listened for as long as I could. One of them wants to sell the house, which would mean getting us and our stuff out to make repairs and updates to the wiring and plumbing, fixing up several things. The other, just wants to fix the place up, which would still mean us not living here for a time while the work is being done.

Last year, before everything with Skye, we had arranged ahead of time not to pay rent for three months, to get our financial situation in order. This was an agreed upon one-time situation.. And it, along with the occasional late payments my parents have had to make, came up in the discussion. It's become too much of a financial burden to them to keep the house at the current rent level, and while they "..don't want to kick us out, we may need to look for more reliable tenants.."

So out situation is this: We're facing potential eviction, because of our financial history with these landlords. If they sell the place, even if the person buying is planning on renting it out, it's not likely we'll be kept on as tenants. Then, last week, my father tells me "We're not going to pay rent again." and my mother backs it up by telling me we'll be clearing out her piles of magazines and getting ready to move. Add to that last night, that Dad's sent a letter to the landlords, telling them that we are, indeed, not going to pay rent.

It's no longer a risk, or speculation.. I'm fully expecting an eviction notice by the end of this month. I talked to my dad, and he doesn't know where we'll go.. There's been no preparation for this, no pre-thought, nothing to get things in order as far as I can tell before deciding to basically slap the people allowing us to live in their house across the face. All I can hope is that Dad's job holds steady until we can find a new place, maybe closer to where he works. Or that he gets the better paying job that an old co-worker just lined up for him, and we find a place closer to it..

The point of this journal isn't to whine, it's to help explain why I have been, and likely will continue to be distant.. It's not any of you, I'm just scared, and trying to stay sane through this mess..

A lot of you I talk to fairly regularly, but I realize that more than a few of you watching me here, aren't in regular contact with me. The purpose of this journal is two-fold: Firstly, to bump the previous off my front page, and get something at least a little more positive up. Secondly, to update those of you not constantly pestering me on SL or Skype. X3

In passing, I'm single, and have been for a few months. Not looking for new love, I'm happy where I am for the moment. I have my Mistress, my pets, and my family to care for, and be cared for by. That said, I'm not closed to the idea.. I'm just tired of finding the wrong kinds of people. If love wants to find me, it will.

The past few weeks have been... Tough, to say the least. I've been more stressed with various things piling up than I knew what to do with. x.x Issues and problems both RL and on-line, eating up my time, my attention, and ultimately my health. A good portion of it has been dealt with, but there's still quite a large bit looming over my head that I can't really do anything about.

Looking forward to this coming Friday. Uber and Lia will be visiting from out of town, and we'll be going to a Furmeet over in Seattle, hosted by a personal friend of mine, Darias. We'll be meeting up at my place so we can share a ride, and save on parking for the event.. 'Cause if you're local, then you know that parking isn't even CLOSE to free over in the city. >.>

Beyond that, they'll be returning towards the end of June to take care of some organizing for Rainfurrest, and I'll be putting them up in the spare guest room. A third person may be joining them, but details still have to be discussed.

And yes. I WILL be attending this year. My big brother has agreed to pay my registration, since his is free (being con staff). As for rooms, I've got two offers so far, and am just waiting on details on what the plans are. Barring that, I'll be commuting from Bremerton to Seattle if I can't get a room at the con.

So, yeah. Got a full year to look forward to, to the end of September.

Skye, wherever you ended up, thank you for introducing me to Furnication, and Miss Raikeira. This place, and the Firebourn family, has brought joy back into my life through a very, very rough few months.


Those of you that read this far, just a reminder.. Check the names in bold, all the links are there. ^^

It's been a couple months since my last journal, haven't had much reason to, or desire. Too many things going on, too much drama, to much pain..

A week ago, Saturday morning at 7 AM local time, after some few days in intensive care, and a stay in a nursing home, Ruth Tomlin, my grandmother, joined her husband, Hugh Tomlin, in the silence of eternal sleep.. This is the second death of someone close to me in just a few short months, and I'm still not sure how to take it, but I'm happy that they weren't long apart..

I've been trying to get some personal time with friends or family where I'm able, but nothing really seems to shake the lingering guilt of the whole situation.. I hadn't gotten to see either of them in more than a decade, and now I can't.. I waited too long, and all I can think about is 'If only I'd talked to them more.'

Each death was accompanied by personal drama that has made it all but impossible to concentrate on anything meaningful, or personal, and while I may not have shown it outwardly, I've been deeply depressed and in need of.. Something.. The furmeet on Saturday last week was a minor relief, and got my mind off things, but I still feel overwhelmed, and have been moody and easily upset the past couple of days.

I'm taking some time for my self, heading out of town for a 4 day weekend with distant friends.. I'll be driving a lot, something I always enjoy, which also means I'll be largely out of contact on all my messengers, and SecondLife. Even while I'm there, I won't be on-line much.. I'll be taking my laptop for music and internet, as well as my phone, but again, this is my time off.. I may not reply right away, or at all.

I love you all, and please don't worry.. I've toughed out worse than this, I just need a little time to pull myself back together.

I don't have very much to say right now.. Don't know what to say.. I got the call less than an hour ago, and I'm still.. I guess reeling from the news..

6pm central time, my grandfather, Hugh Tomlin, passed away peacefully, in the company of family, and in comfortable circumstances..

I knew him as a strong man, and a strong father figure.. I loved, and adored him, the little time I got to spend with him because of a difference of views between my mother and grandmother.. He's fought with lung cancer twice in the past two years, and at least one stroke that I know about..

I'm not crying now, but I know I probably will..


Peace be to you, Grandad..

[x] You have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
[x] You have your own room.
[x] You own a cell phone.
[x] You have a MP3 player/Ipod/Discman.
[x] Your parents are still married.
[x] You love your family.
[ ] There is a pool/spa in your backyard.
T O T A L: 6

[x] You dress the way you want to.
[ ] You hang out with friends more than once a week.
[x] There is a computer/laptop in your room.
[x] You have never been beaten up.
[x] You are allowed to listen to the music you want to.
[x] Your room is big enough for you.
[x] People don't use you for something you have.
[x] You have been to the movies.
T O T A L: 7

[ ] You have over 500 friends on Facebook.
[x] You have pictures on Facebook.
[x] Your parents let you have a Facebook.
[ ] You get allowance/loan.
[x] You collect something normal.
[ ] You look forward to going to college.
[x] You don't wish you were someone else.
[ ] You play a sport.
[ ] You want to do something after school/college.
T O T A L: 4

[x] You own a car/truck.
[x] You usually don't fight with your parent(s).
[x] You have never got a failing grade on a report card in your life.
[x] You have friends.
[ ] You've never had detention.
T O T A L: 4

[x] You know what is going on in the world.
[x] You are happy with your life.
[x] You usually aren't sick.
[ ] You know more than one language.
[x] You have a screen name.
[x] You own a pet.
[x] You know the words to more than 5 songs.
[x] You don't have any enemies.
T O T A L: 7

Total over all: 28
Multiply it by 3 = 84

101%+: A+
90-100%: A
80-89%: B
70-79%: C
60-69%: D
00-59%: F
Re-post saying "I got a _ In life"

But are we in the clear? Hopefully so..

Kaci and I woke up at 4 AM today. Got dressed, got ready.. I took mom and dad to the Harrison Medical Center, then returned home for a quick shower, and to get Kaci. We then camped out at the Hospital with our laptops, and waited.. When we first got there, there had been a mix-up in communication, and Dad was taken into surgery without notifying us. He went under around 7:20 AM. We didn't hear anything for hours..

Kaci and I left to get Lunch at Shari's around 11 AM, and came back to hear that things were going well, and meet up with some family friends that had stopped in to check on our vigil. We passed out together on one of the waiting area couches, and were soon told to go home and get some rest. They'd call if anything came up.

Some hours later, about 3:45 PM, we get a call: Dad's out of surgery, and into the ICU. Everything went better than expected, and while he's drifting in and out of consciousness, he's doing fine. The worst part is over, and now we just have to soldier on through the recovery. Hopefully, there won't be any more bumps along the way.

With this out of the way, maybe things will level out for me, and I can start to get my head back on straight.

Couple of things I want to say, couple of things going on in my life right now.

First, the good news: My mate, Kaci, is here with me for a while, maybe permanently. We're still getting things set up, and organized. It may be a week or more before we get things settled completely.

Now, the not so good: Tomorrow morning, my dad goes in for his surgery.. We'll be leaving before 5 AM, and will be staying at the hospital through the surgery, barring anything major coming up. Kaci will be with me, and I have a feeling I'm going to need her support and companionship to keep myself from panicking. Honestly, if it wasn't for her being here, I don't think I'd be in very good shape at all.. That said, I'm not expecting to be online much tomorrow, and if I am I may not be very talkative.

I know I haven't been very active on here, but life in general has been hellish and tense. An emotional roller-coaster of ups, downs, and sideways twists and turns, and I've had to put a lot of my focus just in maintaining my sanity. I apologize to anyone and everyone that's felt pushed aside, or ignored.. Please, bear with me just a little bit longer..

A couple of you may already know this, but I wanted to make it official, try and tell everyone at once.

I've been talking to this girl on SL for a month or so, and we started getting close, developing feelings for each other, but we agreed to keep things slow rather than rushing headlong into a relationship. After feeling around, and talking about things, figuring out what we both wanted, I'm ecstatic to announce this bit of news:

At 7:45 Monday Morning, September 24th, 2012, she asked that all important question.
At 8:15 the same morning, we made our partnership official.

So, I've found myself romantically involved again, and I couldn't be happier. ^^

This is a thank you, to everyone that's helped me through the last couple of months.

There were moments where I was pretty close to the edge, almost losing myself to my emotions, or trying to make myself go numb through a bottle. And I realize, that I don't know if I've ever properly thanked any of you for just being there for me. Not only that, but you've continued to give me support, and encouraging words as my ordeals continue to stack up against me, through my mother, and now my father.

Those I haven't talked to directly, the comments you've left on my journals gave me enough hope to keep trying to push through. Thank you, for taking the time to lend a few simple words.. In the end, it's the smallest things that can make the biggest difference.


Thank you, for listening to me when I needed to cry.
Thank you, for holding me up when I was close to falling.
Thank you, for telling me things would be okay.
Thank you, for understanding me, when I was too confused to understand myself.
Thank you, for talking to me when I needed to hear a familiar voice.
Thank you, for giving me something to hope for and look forward to.
Thank you, for reminding me that I am worth loving.
Thank you, for showing me that the end of one road, doesn't mean the end of all roads.
Thank you, for helping me find the first few pieces of myself to start putting back together again.

& &



Chew, I wish you had been here longer, but your advice and companionship was some of the most valued, the few chances we got to talk.



I'm not whole yet, but I'm getting there.. It's been a long, harsh year for me, and I've got more troubles ahead to face.. But for all you've done for me, I've made it this far.. I think I'll be able to make it the rest of the way, with people like you close by my side.

Thank you. ALL of you. From the bottom of my heart.

Car issues:
Out shopping today. 95+ degree weather. The AC in the Explorer is having trouble keeping up, so I'm already sticking to the seats and sweating pretty hard. First store goes off fine, no real trouble. Engine rough idles at first, but gets going fine after a minute or two.

Stop on the way back to pick up some burgers for mom before hitting the second store.

Do my shopping, come back out, and start loading up the car. I go to start the engine, and it's only firing on two or three cylinders, out of 6. The whole car is shaking to pieces, and the engine dies after about 10 seconds of this. Try again.. Cranks, turns over, sputters, and dies.

I keep trying intermittently for about 10 minutes, before giving up and calling for a tow..

Best I can figure out, is there's something mechanically wrong with the engine. I managed to get it to start after sitting in the lot with the hood open for about 20 minutes. It's too cramped to get a good look in there without pulling it apart, but it's been in need of a tune-up, and some other minor work, for well over two years now. Hopefully, an oil change and a tune-up will clear up the issues. If not, then just add that to the pile of things gone wrong for me this year.


Health issues Update:
Got the results back from Dad's tests, and the minor surgery he had on Tuesday:

We found out on Tuesday, that his aortic valve is bi-cuspid, where it should be tri-cuspid. (The words my dad used) It was also worse than they expected it to be, but he wouldn't go into detail how..

We get a call from his heart surgeon today, about further complications.. He's going to need an aortic bypass, on top of the valve replacement.. Surgery still needs to be scheduled..

So it's no longer a maybe: My father will definitely need open heart surgery, sooner, rather than later.


Trips/Visits:
In slightly better news (IF I can get the car working) my visit to Nevada is back on, though somewhat indeterminate. Another plus, is that when I do make the trip, I'm planning a one (or two, depending) night stop-over in Sacramento to meet up with a special someone that I'd like to get to know better.

The length of the visit is yet to be decided, but I'm planning on spending at least a month away from home, between October and November. Unless I can get a new laptop or have mine repaired, I won't be online much, or really at all during that time. I'll keep the curious updated.


As to my previous Journal:
I haven't had a chance to talk to my father about everything that's been going on, between the minor surgery, and the visit from Uncle nick. He's been in a very fragile mood, and the one time I even mentioned wanting to talk to him about it, I could see his happiness literally get sucked away.. He's hurting a lot inside, but he's like me, and doesn't want to worry the ones he loves.. Maybe I can get him to trust me enough to open up, before the next surgery.

Long couple of days, actually.. But let's start with the important thing: Today was my dad's birthday. Keep this in mind as the journal continues.

A few days ago, mom started her usual monthly withdrawals. She gets these, because she overtakes the medication that her doctor prescribes her.. This is after seeing three separate pain specialists, about increasing the dose, and refusing to change medications despite recommendations from ALL THREE pain specialists AND her usual doctor.

She takes both Oxycontin, AND Oxycodone. Both narcotics, and both heavily controlled substances.

She won't tell her doctor the truth any more, and apparently has stopped even mentioning the need for more medication, or increased dosage. Instead, she's taking my dad's pain prescription, which he needs for his knees.

Let me go a little further back, to this time last month:

She ran out of medication, as usual.. And instead of taking dad's pills, she tried a different approach: She filed a police report, 'implying' that they were stolen, and 'mentioning' that Lucca had taken some items of value around the same time.. Items that I had GIVEN to her before she left.

Now.. Correct me if I'm wrong.. But isn't falsifying a statement/report, a criminal offense...?

I didn't find out about this until after the fact, so I can't do much about it.. But I've told my dad that I WILL stand against her in court if it comes to that..

Back to today and yesterday:

Last night, Dad comes home, and I hear them arguing.. Mostly Dad using a rather severe, scolding tone at my mother.. Apparently, she went behind his back with his pain prescription, which affects HIS medical record, which he seriously doesn't need with him going in for more testing, and some non-invasive surgery on Tuesday.

Last night, my mother 'accidentally' spilled milk onto the prescription, miraculously erasing the '1' from the 'do not fill before August 19th', and tried to get first my father, then me, to run out and fill it.. After repeatedly refusing to do so, she threatened to call a cab to do it, spending 60 dollars just for the cab fee.. I want to remind you that despite recent spending, money is still an issue for us, and all I said was that she would have to deal with Dad if she did that.. She went silent, and hung up.

Again, correct me if I'm wrong.. Altering a date on a prescription for a controlled substance.. Hell, altering it at ALL.. Isn't that another offense?

I unplug my phones, and go to sleep.. In the morning, I go out to talk to Dad, and wish him a happy birthday, since he's sitting outside with Uncle Nick (Who showed up this morning, and we haven't seen in 16 years) and as we're talking.. A taxi pulls up behind Nick's van.. The guy gets out, carrying a Walgreen's paper bag.. The kind they put their prescriptions in.. And says he has a delivery..


I cannot believe this.. I literally, cannot believe that my mother actually stooped THIS low, and went THIS far.. This is wrong, on so very many levels.. Any and all respect I had for her, is gone, as of this morning.. There is no more avoiding this problem, and as soon as Nick leaves, I will talk to my Father, and figure something out.

I can't turn a blind eye on what she's done any more. She's threatened someone I love, she's threatened my dad's medical security, and she's threatened the safety of this entire household. Enough, is enough.

Just got back from the Cardiologist's office with my Dad, and talked with him a bit after his appointment on the drive home.

Not going to go into too much detail.. But on Thursday, he's going in to the local hospital to have some more tests done, and it's entirely possible that he'll need open heart surgery..

Until further notice, any and all plans for trips, cons, and visits, are on hold.

Any support you can give would be appreciated..

Well, I figured out how to get music onto my phone finally, meaning I can use the 8GB micro SD flash card my parents got me for Christmas. It's only been 7 months. >.< The driver hasn't been installing for whatever reason, and I couldn't synch my phone to my PC for music for the longest time, or figure out how to put the files onto the card my self. I gave up early on, and hadn't given it another thought until this past weekend. This is a huge relief, as it means I'm no longer limited to what I can cram onto 6 CDs.

Been feeling really lonely lately, physically, so I've been talking to Master Valon about going to visit him between October and November.. It's a long ways off, I know, but I wanted to spend some time with him and his mate closer to the holidays, and Halloween is one of his favorites.

Another happening in October, some of you already know about: codytehfox, stargazerbleu, flopsy, kirona, and my self are all talking about splitting the cost of driving to FF (FurFright), and sharing a room or rooms. Nothing's definite yet, and won't be until the middle of September, when we'll know who can or can't make the commitment, but it's a plan in the works.

Also going to look into a friend's offer to attend Rainfurrest in September, if I'll have enough money to attend both cons by then.

The past 3 months have been an emotional roller-coaster for me. I need this break, I need this vacation, and I'm really looking forward to spending time with Master Valon, and (Newly)Mistress Aiwait.

My monitor arrived today. (Shipping was delayed)

It's.. Much larger than I expected. o.o It barely fits on my desk, but it does.

Got it set up and running, streamed a bit with a friend to test out and compare the graphics and whatnot. Quite pleased with it.

And on another positive note, the cellphones have been re-activated. Those of you that have my number can now call me in an emergency, or if I'm just not on-line and you want to talk to me. I encourage this! I could use the distraction and company most days. (Skype works too if I AM on-line)

Everything turned out better than expected, especially after the panic of the last few months/weeks.

My computer is repaired (for the most part. Disk drive died but I have pocket money for that) and my phone is back on. Crisis averted. :3

This should be the last birthday update, as I'm not expecting any other gifts to come floating in.


I want to thank everyone that's posted comments, notes, and shouts wishing me a happy birthday. It really brightened my days. :3

~Ta
Lon

Today was the day that I celebrated my birthday with my family. Overall, I've had a really happy day. ^^

It's certainly a nice change of pace from how I've been feeling recently. It's funny, how things change around sometimes..

But anyway~ Stuff.


Went out shopping with Dad to a couple places.. Wore the poor guy out with it.. His feet are so swollen now. :( We stopped for iced coffees halfway through, but mom made us go back out after to get more stuff, and a few things to go with dinner.

Me and him made fried rice together, with chicken, and Pineapple and Bacon sausage. :O

No cake after dinner. Too late, mom was falling asleep, and we were all too full anyway. XD So did presents instead.

Got a lego book about how to build the 'Forbidden' Lego projects, like automatic rifles and plastic spoon catapults.

Also got a Lego Technic kit (Lift truck/pallet jack) and an off-brand construction toy set.

Got two games for X-Box and 360: Borderlands and Fallout 3, both GotY edition. <3

And the two best surprises? a 950-WATT power supply! (Only needed 750-800) And a 27" monitor! Both things I expected I would need to pay for my self.


So, I'll be offline for a while, installing the new PSU, but I should be back on-line in an hour or two. Hopefully I'll have some people to talk to. :3

Love you all~ And hope your weekends are going well. <3

Ta~
Lonwulfe

Some of you already know this.

27 years old today. Big number..

Got a really nice surprise from my cub, Cody, last night after midnight, so it's technically a birthday present. Really made my night, since I was feeling a little down about other things. <3

Today, I got to go out with my dad, and have a special birthday dinner. Went to Outback Steakhouse, and I had Sirloin and Lobster tails, along with a Mudslide. (Irish cream, rum, Kahlua, and chocolate) Ate WAY too much. x.x

No presents as of yet, going to be doing that and cake on the weekend so Dad can join in. Not expecting much, but gotta try and make the best of it. :3

As seen on lucca's journal.
quiz found here: http://colorquiz.com/quiz.php



Your Existing Situation

"Finds himself in a situation that is difficult and not quite going his way, yet he is persistent and continues to do things his way. He tries to hide his true intentions, in order to gain false trust from his opponents."


Your Stress Sources

"Delights in the finer things in life and things that appeal to the senses, but can be critical. Is careful and cautious and must believe he is not being manipulated or tricked. Keeps his emotions in check and is always analyzing his relationships in order to know exactly where he stands at all times. Demands complete honesty as a protection against his naturally trusting nature."


Your Restrained Characteristics

Is feeling emotionally drained from stressful and tense situations. He is in need of peace and quiet in order to overcome his lack of energy and may become irritable if he does not recover.

Applies tough standards to his potential partner and demands an unrealistic perfection in his sex life.

Applies tough standards to his potential partner and demands an unrealistic perfection in his sex life.


Your Desired Objective

"He feels life in general is handing him to many difficult and unpleasant things, but no one else seems to agree with him. He is resistant to joining in with others and want to be left alone."


Your Actual Problem

"His personality is such that he analyzes and examines everything with harsh judgment, which is viewed as an attitude of harsh criticism and disapproval. Fails to take into consideration all the facts when making his judgments. "

1. Tell you something I'll learn about you by looking at your FA page for 13 seconds.
2. Tell you which color you remind me of.
3. Tell you my first memory of you.
4. Tell you what pokemon you remind me of.
5. Ask you something I've always wondered about you, and your answer has to be as vague as possible to keep the suspense.
6. Tell you my favorite thing about you.
7. Give you a weird nickname
8. Tell you what's on my shirt right now.
9. Challenge you to post this on your journal.

(Challenged by babygirlaura since she was the first to reply out of the other journals I posted to. :P )

You may think that pushing something away would be the easiest way to forget about it, and move on.. Not always true.

I've tried that, and it's only made my life worse. It's impossible for me to just forget about the past, but I can at least try to preserve the happy moments from it. The little parts that make me smile.

I'm putting back up some old art from Lucca of us, to serve as a little reminder to myself that our relationship ending wasn't worth our friendship ending, because she still brings a great deal of joy to me even though we're apart.

Never, never be harsh or unkind to those you love: You will always regret it later on.
Never try to erase your past: It's part of who you are, and if you take that away, you're taking away a part of the person those memories helped create.
Cherish the little things: Those small, simple, meaningless moments that you share will mean everything when you look back on your time with friends and lovers.
Forgive mistakes: Don't dwell on having been wronged.. It will ruin your outlook on life, and your chance at being happy.
Don't hold back your pain: If you're upset, don't shrug it off like it's nothing.. Talk it out with your partner, or a close friend. Bottling it up will only lead to an explosion later on.
Don't hold back your affection: If you love someone, let them know. Remind them every day with a hug, or a nuzzle, or a cuddle, or even a kiss on the cheek. Just saying you love them is important.


For Lucca

I want to say I'm sorry for all the things I've said and done over the last 4 months. I made a lot of mistakes, and spent a lot of time feeling sorry for my self, when I should have spent it holding you. You've forgiven me more times than I can count, and you still love me even when I didn't feel I was worth loving at all, let alone by you. You've made me smile, you've made me laugh, you've made me cry with joy. You've brought me along to places I never would have thought about going before, and introduced me to new friends I never expected to make. You've helped me discover that I do have an inner child still, an inner cub, and helped me learn how to bring it out. I cherish the time that we had together, good and bad alike. All the memories we made, all the smiles we shared, and all the tears we cried together.

In my heart, you will always be my pride and joy, my little girl. And I will always be your Daddy Lonwulfe.

Just made them.

https://inkbunny.net/Lonwulfe

http://formspring.me/FerrinLonwulfe

*Goes to pass out now*

Seriously.. What the hell, body?

The past week almost, I've had consistent insomnia. I couldn't seem to sleep for whatever reason.

The past couple of days, I managed to get to sleep before midnight... But I keep waking up around 2 AM.. Doesn't seem to matter how tired I am when I go to bed, or if I go at 9 PM or 12 AM. I wake up at 2, and can't get back to sleep.

Can anyone offer any sort of explanation as to why my body chooses this exact time to be a dick?

Mine in particular..

My mother, in all her wisdom, took too many pills again, and came up short, sending her into withdrawls. Because of this, she missed the deadline for the power bill, and unless the payment she just tried to make goes through, we will be without power temporarily as of tomorrow morning. On top of this, the cellphone bill STILL hasn't been payed, so we can no longer even receive phone calls, where previously we could receive, but not send.

I just gave my dad the my bank card, with my last 40$ to pay for gas until payday. 40$ that had been gifted to me towards paying for the much needed PSU for my computer. They still owe me 60$ from several months ago, and if what I'm hearing is right, I'm not going to see a penny of it until some time into or after September. Unless of course my mother actually adheres to her previous promise, and pays me back THIS payday, in two days. I'm getting sick and tired of both my parent's idiocy when it comes to keeping track of what bills are supposed to be payed when. Because I'm mostly the one to suffer. I'm always put last on the list of importance, after things either of them wants or needs, and the household as a whole. This includes any money lent to them..

As for finding comfort with friends or loved ones, there's not much to be had.. My master is often busy, unavailable, or stressed because of his job. My pet lives more than 12 hours ahead of me, making it hard to talk with him enough to really relieve any of my concerns. My mate's got enough troubles in her own life, so I try not to pester her, since she's almost always busy doing her own stress relief.. And I try not to talk about my problems with my friends, because I don't want to be "That guy who's always whining about something".. But I feel like I've already gotten that image stamped permanently into my forehead..

I'm starting to get overwhelmed to the point where I'm not even really sure why I'm doing anything any more.. There have been days where I just don't want to even get out of bed in the morning, or sit invisible on my messenger when I finally do pry myself from under the comforters.. I've doubted the strength of my relationship, I've wondered why nothing good seems to happen to me, and I've considered not caring about other people's problems any more, because I never get anything out of it but guilt and a cold shoulder..

Being miserable has never felt so... Normal... It's like, this has become my life now. It's not my place to be happy, or have nice things.. Just sit here, and listen to everyone's problems, and soak up all the pain I'm given until I die..

This isn't who I wanted to become...

My monitor is still dead. I'm using my dad's for the moment, and he's borrowing one from work, so I won't have one for too much longer.

Was also supposed to get a new power supply for my PC, so I can actually run both Hard Drives and all the fans, but money has fallen through on my side, and I only have half as much as I need until some undetermined point in the future..

So while I'm online, I don't know how long it'll last, or if I'll be able to afford a new monitor before I have to give dad's back to him.

Well, my moniter died today.. Don't know what I'm going to do about getting a replacement with money as tight as it has been.. I'll be largely offline untill I can find a way to resolve this.. Untill then, please call my cell if you need to reach me..