Today it September 20th, 2025. My birthday was nine days ago and I got tarot cards for my birthday. Honestly, I've so glad to have these as they always had my interest. Occult stuff has also been an interest and fascination of mine. Like many other things. It's odd because what motivated me into finally getting them was the interactive novel Snoot Game.

It's funny... Snoot Game has literally been a significant turning point in my life. My creativity had returned, I actually started doing shit, started realizing how fucked a lot of things in life are, started actually coming to terms with how bad things actually are/were in my life, I started making music and drawing again. Snoot Game resonated with me so deeply that... That it literally changed almost everything for me. It's... it's kind of freaky because, Fang and I are so fucking similar, in so many ways, that... It hit home. And not just in an emotional level.

Now, I think the only thing left to do for me to get back into my creative endeavors again, is getting that motivation back. Sometimes it's there, and when it is, something almost always comes up and shuts the opportunity down. Then I end up losing that motivation and end up having to wait for how long just to get back into it. I hate it, because I love drawing, I miss drawing, I used to do it all the fucking time. What fuck happened? Why don't I have that motivation anymore?! I want it back! I want to be able to draw again! It was one of the only things that brought me a sense of meaning and now I struggle for it...

So I managed to find a lot of my old drawings way back in 2013 through 2017 (Middle School and High School. Grades 7 through 10). And you know it’s old when you cringe at the some of the phases you were in to end up drawing it (Not posting it only because it’s also literally really badly drawings and because it’s a bunch of pretty depressive stuff that I really do not want to linger around on here)
So because of this expect a little bit of spam, and I apologize for it. Lol.

I’m sad because……
...of the way things are in this world.
I don’t like it, not just because of the people in it… But because of the way they’ve made it.

Yes I understand that in order to live you have to pay for things, and in order to pay for things you have to work. But unfortunately that’s what my brain hates most. I love my job but… I feel like I’m losing my touch with my creativity. I used to always be imaginative, I have a bunch of nerf guns and I will literally run around the basement pretending to shoot zombies, or be in a firefight, etc. But…… I’m starting to lose that…

That’s what I loved about being younger, that’s what I loved before work, and that’s what I’m losing… And what’s worse is that I know it’s because I’m somehow making more friends, I’ve some how managed to make and keep friends… And thus I’m losing touch with my imagination and becoming more in-touch with reality… I love the friends that I have. I love the job that I have but… It’s making me lose the thing I loved most.

I can’t draw as much anymore because of work and constantly wanting to be with my friends, and at the end of the day. I see all this art that people have drawn and get jealous… Not just because I can’t draw like them… But because I know in order for me to draw like them… I have to keep drawing… Majority of my art is just looking off of a reference… Never fully drawn on my own from scratch.

And what makes this all more frustrating is the constant, feeling like I have a multiple personality disorder but knowing I do not. It’s like these mood phases…
For a month I’ll be myself but feminine, Ikian
For a month I’ll be myself but masculine, Foxx (Will be uploading drawings of him soon).
For a month I’ll be not in the mood for bulls**t and wouldn’t mind fighting over something, Cocidius.
For a month I’ll be very sexual and always in the mood, wanting to do it with anyone I who would let me, Donna (Will be uploading drawings of her soon).

I’ll know exactly what I’m doing and everything that is going on but… It’s like I’m a completely different person. It doesn’t make sense to me. I’m very creative and open minded, heck I even want some of the supernatural to be true and believe the ghosts are real, yet… I still always look for the logic… And it’s when I can not find the logic behind it is what frustrates me. Why do I have these phases? And why do I have to lose my creativity and imagination?

Well. I’m doing a whole lot better and I’m thankful for that. Not only do I hope to get a job now, I hope that my art could get out there more. Maybe then I could start getting commissions. I really want to draw things for people because maybe then I can really get back into drawing.

If it wasn’t for the constant pain and torment of losing people I care about… I wouldn’t know that you’re better off silent… You’re better off silent because that loud mouth of yours doesn’t even know when to keep shut… Because you ruin things… You ruin everything… Everything you love… Everything you care about… It all leaves because it’s all smarter than you. It’s all smart enough to know that you’re just dead weight and all you do is cry in your pity, hoping someone will pick you back up on your feet. Little do you know, it’s just going to repeat. Cause it’s where you’re bound to be. Alone and useless. So keep that worthless mouth shut. Sew it if you have to. Then maybe things will get better for you.

I’m having a really extremely hard time trying to figure out why the heck I’m treated so poorly by the ones I support so much… All I do is try and give and support… But I get nothing like that in return…
I’ve lost trust in people now… I don’t open up to them as much anymore… It shouldn’t hurt so much if I don’t open up to them right…?
Right…?