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GLFC 2015 IN REVIEW
Posted 10 years agoWell, I am home from GLFC, unpacked, and life gets back into its normal routine tomorrow morning. I have to say, going to Great Lakes Fur Con was probably the BEST thing I have done for myself in a long time. I never stopped laughing and smiling. I went to panels, took photos and video, experienced things I haven never done before, pushed myself out of my comfort zone and loved the result, and witnessed true beauty, passion, and happiness in a community that truly cares for one another, and their art in performance, artwork, and talent. I had the time of my life, and I really look forward to next year.
I also really enjoyed DOMINATING the charity auction, having a drink with Uncle Kage, dancing my heart out, and having a new fire lit under my butt to get up and do what I love, despite what it takes to get there. YES, I will miss the excitement of the convention. BUT, I will not despair. I have so much to look forward to. SO much to work on. So much to be excited about. I may not have the job I want, or the life that I dreamed of, but I have the best friends in the world, and I am a part of the best community I could ask for. To all you Furries out there, I love ya! Keep spreading the love.
I will be posting pictures soon (hopefully), and keeping my fingers crossed that I can make a convention video! (My very first).
ALSO, SUPER DUPER AWESOME congrats to Tena and Tynzin for their ENGAGEMENT! He proposed right after the dance showcase, after he performed. We were all shocked, touched, and moved. Brought me to TEARS. SO HAPPY for the both of you!
GLFC video!
Posted 10 years agoGAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
I want to make a GLFC video. Whats a good (also cheap) way to edit video, add music, etc?
I want to make a GLFC video. Whats a good (also cheap) way to edit video, add music, etc?
EXCITED FOR GLFC
Posted 10 years ago
IM SO EXCITED FOR GLFC THIS WEEKEND!!!!!
Im rooming with 
sparkthedalmation my awesome bro and friend, his mate 
LuckyTabby, and some others.
I CANT WAIT. I MA SO STOKED.
I dont have the projects done that I wanted to have done, BUT WHO CARES!!!! Its my first con in 3 years! LETS GO BITCHES!!!!
sparkthedalmation
LuckyTabbyGOING TO GLFC - Looking for a room
Posted 10 years agoGREAT LAKES FUR CON
SEE YOU THERE!!!
but I am looking for a room if you know of anyone that has a space available let me know! Thanks! Small Dating Rant
Posted 10 years agoI apologize, to all the gay men out there that I keep turning down.
I'm sorry, but I do not believe a relationship should be based off sex. I do NOT have sex on the first date. Buying me dinner does not mean you have the right to get in my pants. Im sorry, but I believe a relationship should be based on mutual love and respect, common ground, and the wanting for the other to be the best they can be.
Im sorry, but I believe the core of a good relationship is happiness, moments of being content, and communication. Im sorry, but I do not think sex is important or necessary. It is a perk that can be taken away, or given in terms of respect, love, passion, etc. Im sorry, but I am not shallow. I will not lower my standards just to find "someone to love". Im sorry, but I am okay single, or in a relationship. I do not need a man to make me happy. Im sorry, but Im better than that. If you want to get to know me and show interest, I have some advice.
Manipulation, stereotyping, disrespect, making assumptions, unwanted advances, and dishonesty will not be tolerated. Exceptional manners and politeness are required. Making me laugh, and having the ability to keep me smiling, is a plus.
I hope this helps... Don't agree? Don't waste my time and yours by trying to get my attention.Nuked my submissions
Posted 10 years agoI had over 40,000 submissions,.....so i just nuked them and visited my favorite artists.
Good enough for me. lol
Good enough for me. lol
Picking up my Bass
Posted 10 years agoFor the first time in a long time, I decided to put my bass clarinet together, and warm it up again with some good, old-fashioned practicing. I felt like I was putting together an extension of myself. I always knew my B.Cl. meant everything to me, and that I loved it more than everything I own put together.
Playing it once more was like stepping back into the band room, that warm, comforting feeling covering me like a hug from an old friend. The scent of spit, sweat, and shame. Where determination to be the best intertwined with comradery and laughter. Where the only thing that mattered were the notes on the page, the air in your lungs, and keeping rhythm.
I miss playing as much as I used to. I think I might start setting time aside to play on a weekly basis. Of course, I need to get my pads and corks replaced, get some accessories and upgrades, and maybe a tune-up, but hey, you always make sacrifices for the ones you love. ;) <3
I'm also possibly planning on getting the flute I bought fixed and tuned up, and then get a book for beginners and learn to play. ALSO: Im looking into buying a nice used clarinet, and eventually expand into the other instruments. I had almost forgotten how much I LOVED playing music.
If you know of any used instruments, let me know: Clarinet, Sax (all), Contrabass Clarinet, Trombone, Trumpet, French Horn, Tuba, Oboe, Bassoon, etc.
Playing it once more was like stepping back into the band room, that warm, comforting feeling covering me like a hug from an old friend. The scent of spit, sweat, and shame. Where determination to be the best intertwined with comradery and laughter. Where the only thing that mattered were the notes on the page, the air in your lungs, and keeping rhythm.
I miss playing as much as I used to. I think I might start setting time aside to play on a weekly basis. Of course, I need to get my pads and corks replaced, get some accessories and upgrades, and maybe a tune-up, but hey, you always make sacrifices for the ones you love. ;) <3
I'm also possibly planning on getting the flute I bought fixed and tuned up, and then get a book for beginners and learn to play. ALSO: Im looking into buying a nice used clarinet, and eventually expand into the other instruments. I had almost forgotten how much I LOVED playing music.
If you know of any used instruments, let me know: Clarinet, Sax (all), Contrabass Clarinet, Trombone, Trumpet, French Horn, Tuba, Oboe, Bassoon, etc.
Dying My Hair
Posted 10 years agoIm dying my hair black again.
The stress from work and finances is literally making my hair turn grey.
Half of my head looks silver...
Im not 80.
Im dying these fuckers. The Galaxy Railways
Posted 10 years agoJust finished watching the first season of "The Galaxy Railways". Even though I haven't seen season 2 yet, Im pretty sure this is going to be my favorite anime yet! Even topping Black Butler, AND OHSHC!
ATTENTION BRONIES!
Posted 10 years agoQUESTION for bronies and pegaisters!
How many of you read MLP fanfiction or Equestrian-based storylines? I am in the midst of writing 3 different series, and in need of some personal opinions.
How would you feel about a transgender character as a main character? Uncomfortable? Excited?
What about an all-LGBT cast?
Would you read more storylines that had to do with the railroad?
Romance?
Action-adventure? (Think Daring Do...)
How about the princesses?
Would you read more mane-6 storylines? Background ponies? Or OC's and new characters?
Do you like the MLP-verse as is, or would you change it if you could?
Do you like or dislike changing the character dynamic? (Example: Adding a queen, in stead of the princesses)
Are you more apt to read mature stories, or PG ones? (Mature, NOT ADULT. Just bringing up more mature, real life subjects)
Let me know your thoughts! Thanks for the help!
How many of you read MLP fanfiction or Equestrian-based storylines? I am in the midst of writing 3 different series, and in need of some personal opinions.
How would you feel about a transgender character as a main character? Uncomfortable? Excited?
What about an all-LGBT cast?
Would you read more storylines that had to do with the railroad?
Romance?
Action-adventure? (Think Daring Do...)
How about the princesses?
Would you read more mane-6 storylines? Background ponies? Or OC's and new characters?
Do you like the MLP-verse as is, or would you change it if you could?
Do you like or dislike changing the character dynamic? (Example: Adding a queen, in stead of the princesses)
Are you more apt to read mature stories, or PG ones? (Mature, NOT ADULT. Just bringing up more mature, real life subjects)
Let me know your thoughts! Thanks for the help!
Art: COMING SOON
Posted 10 years agoUPCOMING PROJECTS:
Art:
-All "Thomas the Tank Engine" Character Profiles
-MLP Fan Art or conceptual ponies and ideas
Fashion:
-Birthstone Fashion Line
-Elemental Queens fashion line
-HAUTE coture
Cosplay:
-Ursula
-Cruella De Vil
-Rarity (MLP)
-Sebastian (Black Butler)
-Haruhi Fujioka (Ouran High School Host Club)
-Manabu Yūki (The Galaxy Railways)
Writing:
+"The Equestrian Railway" series
+gemstone-ponies series, still in concept stage
Other:
-Fetish gear currently in the making
-footed jammies and a onesie still in the making
SUPER EXCITED YOU GUYS!!!!!How I Feel About Winter
Posted 10 years agoWhelp....That Happened.
Posted 10 years agoUmm....so yeah.
Went to court for the billionth time and wasted hours and time off work and lost pay, but in my thought, it looks like its working out and I am making progress, even though I shouldnt have to in the first place.....stupid dad. His fault. But whatever.
Umm... things actually looking up? WHAT? YEAH I SAID IT!!!
Things are getting a little better. i see the light at the end of the tunnel!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
Granted I cant sleep at night and I question my sheer existence a lot, but hey, one step at a time!
WOOHOO!!!!!! **Depressing Rant Warning** Life, and How I Currently Feel
Posted 11 years ago**Rant warning** kinda depressing.
(I had 4 friends ask me what I have been feeling lately. This is easier than telling each person individually.)
Once, I had someone tell me that "Dreams are better than reality. In your dreams, you can be anything, and do anything. Your dreams can tell you what you most desire, how you really feel, and even a nightmare can be a vivid adventure."
As of late, I have been having the same dream, over and over, every night, for about a month and a half. I wake up sweating, panting and gasping for air, and terrified. After that, I cannot get back to sleep. But even that horrible dream was, and is, so much better than reality. I find myself looking forward to sleep, even though I know the adventure will be the same terrifying images. Reality, presently, is too much for me to handle emotionally, and I feel myself slipping further from happiness with each passing day, as if it were fading into the distance of my rear-view mirror. Waking up gets harder, falling asleep takes longer, and the time I spend asleep is shortened. The sunlight that once brought me so much bliss, and the thought of morning that made me smile, is now a nightmare in itself. I go through the day like it is a dream, not feeling anything, not saying anything to anyone, void of any real or communicatable emotion. When I do feel SOMETHING, it is sadness, depression, loneliness, and self-hated. And then I cry. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe because I miss feeling numb, or that the pain hurts too much. Maybe because the thought that I would rather be in an eternal sleep, rather than be here to live my own life... scares me. That life, for me, has lost its appeal. Its meaning. That each day, I grow older, and take another step toward another year of pointless endeavors, useless goals, and worthless adventures and interactions.
Every morning, I get up, get dressed, look in the mirror, and force myself to put on that fake smile I am so good at putting on. Go to work and pretend that I don't feel like they don't notice me. Come home and pray that I get some more sleep than the night before, even though I know that wont happen. Keeping the numbness at the forefront by any means, and when night falls, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling waiting for sleep, dreading the morning that will inevitably come again. And then, it all starts over again. I feel as though I am being choked, with two strong hands, gripping onto me, but not tight enough to make me stop breathing. Just enough to make me feel like I am, even though I wont.
The few escapes I have and things that make me happy, don't bring me joy like they used to, and is some cases, have turned against me, the people within turning me away. I look at the stars when I can and wonder about life, and ponder the great philosophical questions, in a daze or dream of sorts. But like any dream, it fades, and even if that moment was a nightmare, I am back to an even worse reality. The reality that even though I try, I cannot make myself smile. I haven't laughed in weeks without it being forced. The people I trusted and went to for help... vanished. And the ones I have left I am too afraid to go to for the same reason. My days are melting together, into one endless stream without a start or finish, not really knowing if I am awake or asleep, or if I am doing something right. Some days I believe I am truly asleep, while some night I believe I am awake. The line between consciousness and dreaming has become thin, and I cannot tell if I am riding that line or not. I feel crazy and yet so sane. And when I think about it too long I get angry, frustrated that even I cant tell what I feel.
I wish I could just sleep. And sleep. And sleep. I wish I would never have to stop dreaming. I wish I wouldn't have to wake up, because then at least I would know I am dreaming, and the adventure may not be real, but it feels better than the reality we have come to simply play out.
(I had 4 friends ask me what I have been feeling lately. This is easier than telling each person individually.)
Once, I had someone tell me that "Dreams are better than reality. In your dreams, you can be anything, and do anything. Your dreams can tell you what you most desire, how you really feel, and even a nightmare can be a vivid adventure."
As of late, I have been having the same dream, over and over, every night, for about a month and a half. I wake up sweating, panting and gasping for air, and terrified. After that, I cannot get back to sleep. But even that horrible dream was, and is, so much better than reality. I find myself looking forward to sleep, even though I know the adventure will be the same terrifying images. Reality, presently, is too much for me to handle emotionally, and I feel myself slipping further from happiness with each passing day, as if it were fading into the distance of my rear-view mirror. Waking up gets harder, falling asleep takes longer, and the time I spend asleep is shortened. The sunlight that once brought me so much bliss, and the thought of morning that made me smile, is now a nightmare in itself. I go through the day like it is a dream, not feeling anything, not saying anything to anyone, void of any real or communicatable emotion. When I do feel SOMETHING, it is sadness, depression, loneliness, and self-hated. And then I cry. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe because I miss feeling numb, or that the pain hurts too much. Maybe because the thought that I would rather be in an eternal sleep, rather than be here to live my own life... scares me. That life, for me, has lost its appeal. Its meaning. That each day, I grow older, and take another step toward another year of pointless endeavors, useless goals, and worthless adventures and interactions.
Every morning, I get up, get dressed, look in the mirror, and force myself to put on that fake smile I am so good at putting on. Go to work and pretend that I don't feel like they don't notice me. Come home and pray that I get some more sleep than the night before, even though I know that wont happen. Keeping the numbness at the forefront by any means, and when night falls, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling waiting for sleep, dreading the morning that will inevitably come again. And then, it all starts over again. I feel as though I am being choked, with two strong hands, gripping onto me, but not tight enough to make me stop breathing. Just enough to make me feel like I am, even though I wont.
The few escapes I have and things that make me happy, don't bring me joy like they used to, and is some cases, have turned against me, the people within turning me away. I look at the stars when I can and wonder about life, and ponder the great philosophical questions, in a daze or dream of sorts. But like any dream, it fades, and even if that moment was a nightmare, I am back to an even worse reality. The reality that even though I try, I cannot make myself smile. I haven't laughed in weeks without it being forced. The people I trusted and went to for help... vanished. And the ones I have left I am too afraid to go to for the same reason. My days are melting together, into one endless stream without a start or finish, not really knowing if I am awake or asleep, or if I am doing something right. Some days I believe I am truly asleep, while some night I believe I am awake. The line between consciousness and dreaming has become thin, and I cannot tell if I am riding that line or not. I feel crazy and yet so sane. And when I think about it too long I get angry, frustrated that even I cant tell what I feel.
I wish I could just sleep. And sleep. And sleep. I wish I would never have to stop dreaming. I wish I wouldn't have to wake up, because then at least I would know I am dreaming, and the adventure may not be real, but it feels better than the reality we have come to simply play out.
Christmas, New Years, and More
Posted 11 years agoMerry bleated Christmas and Happy friggin New Year.
Christmas was fine. Just a regular day for me I suppose. I got my family gifts. I didn't get anything myself. But I expected that. New Years was fun though. Spent it with Talic, an old buddy. We hung out and had fun. It was good to see him again after so long. My new years resolution: Stop giving a fuck. Thats it. After how my life has treated me, i deserve to not give a fuck about anyhting. I care about people I care about.... but thats about it.
okay.... im ready to move again. Im tired of living like this.
ALSO, special thank you to those that sent me a hat! You know you you are, I wont name names, but thank you. Your generosity doesn't not go unseen and unheard. 2 furs in particular brought me to tears opening their packages in the mail. thank you, really. They have really helped me out a ton. i can finally sleep at night with a warm head :) <3 <3 <3
I ALSO got a new phone, courtesy of my aunt who is tired of not being able to call me... the lady has way too much money on her hands and no idea how to use it.
PM me ur # if you want to be in my contacts.
Christmas was fine. Just a regular day for me I suppose. I got my family gifts. I didn't get anything myself. But I expected that. New Years was fun though. Spent it with Talic, an old buddy. We hung out and had fun. It was good to see him again after so long. My new years resolution: Stop giving a fuck. Thats it. After how my life has treated me, i deserve to not give a fuck about anyhting. I care about people I care about.... but thats about it.
okay.... im ready to move again. Im tired of living like this.
ALSO, special thank you to those that sent me a hat! You know you you are, I wont name names, but thank you. Your generosity doesn't not go unseen and unheard. 2 furs in particular brought me to tears opening their packages in the mail. thank you, really. They have really helped me out a ton. i can finally sleep at night with a warm head :) <3 <3 <3
I ALSO got a new phone, courtesy of my aunt who is tired of not being able to call me... the lady has way too much money on her hands and no idea how to use it.
PM me ur # if you want to be in my contacts.
Life Falling into Ruin: I Give Up.
Posted 11 years ago>>Dont read this unless you actually give two shits about me. <<
My life has fallen to hell, even more so than it has since my last journal. Let me explain.
~Relationships~
Shit hit the goddamn fan this year. Fiance DIED, and I'm still in grief counseling for that. Farell broke up with me, and that shattered me into a billion pieces. Then I try loving someone else because I think something is there, and it blows up in my face. Great. just fucking great. Its one thing to be alone, poor, and destitute, its another to be all of those things, AND ALONE with no support or love or care from anyone. *sarcastic yay*
Relationship with dad is heading more south than I had imagined. Him having me tossed in jail for no reason somewhat put a damper on our being able to be in the same room anymore. We are back to him throwing shit at me and screaming at me every day, and I have to get better with my reflexes again. I used to be able to catch the bottle, and I can only dodge it right now. Brother stopped talking to me completely. Mom is dead (also in grief counseling for that).
Furry family only really comes to me if they need something, or if they need advice, or to pass an idea by me. or to tell me to "stop being poor and come visit.". Yeah....'cause THAT makes me feel better. Not all of them are this way. Just a lot of them.
~Living Situation~
Living with dad in what is left of the house after the electrical fire. We are doing the best we can to make due. he fucking hates me and doesn't want me to even be alive anymore, stating on countless occasions that "you should just kill yourself so you do the world a favor, and the insurance money will be the one thing in this life that gives you any worth." He wants me dead or out of the house. He really doesn't care anymore. Frankly, neither do I.
I never should have moved out of South Bend. I think if I was homeless under a bridge, Id still be better off than how I am here. That, or I never should have left Delphi, IN living with Farell's mom. I should have stomached the job I was working, and despite throwing up every day like 4 times a day, it was okay money and my life wouldn't be so hellish. I would still have the best mate I ever had since I lost Scrapper, and I at least would have some shred of happiness in my life.
~COLD~
ITS FUCKING COLD OUT, and my house has fire damage. Needless to say that it gets COLD. I don't have any hats. I'm trying to pinch pennies to buy myself one. This is sad. I cant afford a fucking hat.
~Court/Jail/Fines~
Here's the deal. In order to avoid an expensive court case, I have to fuffill 5 requirements. I have fuffilled 2 of these. the final 3 take time. Step 3 requires 4 week, the next 2 weeks, and the last another 3-4 weeks. One cannot be done without the previous step being completed, because Michigan's Treasury and Secretary of State are SHIT HEADS when they work together. I must have everything completed before my jury pick on January 9th, and by the time I complete all of the requirements, it will be too late. After talking to 3 lawyers, and trying to battle the courts on another jury pick date, it comes to find out that I'M SCREWED. The court wont move the jury pick date, and the Treasury and SoS wont help me expedite anything, or help me at all. NEITHER OF THEM CARE. What does this mean? It means that I am going to court, going to pay thousands upon thousands of dollars in lawyer fees, court fees, and final decision costs, and then finally after a jury decides my fate, if I am guilty, which I am, I will not only pay thousands in that, but possibly have to serve jail time as an added portion of my sentence.
No, I'm not going to say why I am going to court. that's personal, so don't ask.
I am out of options. Only time will tell what will happen. Also, this is why I'M BROKE AS FUCK. I cant even afford food on my table. I have NO MONEY.
~Depression/Suicide~
Not a lot to say here. When your father calls you worthless every day, and you have nothing to live for, certain thoughts come to the surface. The problem, is that those thoughts were already on the surface to start with. The will to live is absent. The wanting for something better is gone. Hope is fleeting. Where there was once love, there is now only memories, and bitterness. Thoughts of self-loathing fill my mind. The urge to self harm is so strong, and resisting only gets harder. The temptation to just drive the truck, with me in it, off a bridge into a lake or river is so strong that I just try and avoid going over water all-together. My life is so hellish. I cant take it. I just cant. All of this... everything... is just too much for me to handle. Everything I have mentioned is just the top of the iceberg in my life. SO MUCH is going on that I don't mention. Everything in life is overwhelming me. And rightly so.
~Old Plans~
The plan was to move home, get my debts settled, and go back to college, stay with Farell, and get myself in a position to get my life on track.
NONE of that happened.
Instead I am living in a burnt home with an abusive asshole, in debt past what anyone can fathom, and my world is crumbling around me, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. m here, just waiting for it all to end, just wondering why I even exist, thinking of how it got this way. I wonder what it would be like if I never moved to South bend....or to Delphi... or back home. I just wish it was all over. I want all of this to be gone. I want to see the sunshine, and be able to smile. I want to find a reason to be happy. All I want for Christmas if to be left alone so i can cry in peace finally, and my New Years Resolution will be, AS ALWAYS, to get myself out of this situation.
~New Plans~
Those of you that know me well enough, and have made it this far, KNOW FOR A FACT that I always have a backup plan. i always have a plan B. I always have a way out, or I have the ability to tough it out, and make something better for myself. I always have a way to take care of things, and I always find a way, no matter the cost. I often say, "There is nothing on this world I can't handle."
Ive got nothing this time. I have no idea what to do. I have been through ever plan and backup plan. i have dome everything I could. I played every card in my hand, and lost miserably.
~THE END~Jail, Fire, Fines, and Life
Posted 11 years agoI'll explain short and sweet.
1. Jail.
I was arrested a month ago or so, for driving on a suspended license, that I didn't even know was suspended in the first place. I was put in jail for 24 hours when that happened, and my meeting with the prosecutor was yesterday. The State of Michigan is taking me to court, because I had no knowledge of my license being suspended. Comes to find out, MY DAD had my paperwork all along and just threw it away as junk mail more than a year ago when I GOT IT ALL in the mail. He assumed because it was addressed to me, it was junk. I called the court, and we are trying to work out a deal. They want me to pay $1000 in fines, and then additional fines and fees associated with reinstating my license and resending the suspension on it. I don't have that. We are talking it out. For now though, THEY IMPOUNDED MY TRUCK. SO, because of my dad's sheer stupidity, I am out of a truck, my money, and my license. GREAT.
2. Fire
House caught fire. It just did. Fire, smoke, all that shit. Fire started in the kitchen, and spread to the dining room and living room. I'm still living in it, but everything is now either damaged by smoke, or reeks of it. The house is still livable, and we intend to make the necessary repairs eventually. It was an electrical fire caused by overheating and short-circuting what-nots, and it wasn't anyone's fault. Just old I suppose. We have to buy all new appliances for our kitchen, and all of the food we had went rotten. If I thought money was tight before, I was WRONG. On top of what I talked about with my license, I really didn't need this. This really complicates things with money and living here. At least we still have water, electric, and more.
3. Fines.
Jail and fire. Enough said. I owe a lot of money to the state treasury for my father's ignorance, money to IUSB and student loan companies, and the mechanic for a fix on my truck that is useless now because its IMPOUNDED until further notice. Money to fix the house is just not there, nor to buy new appliances. I really wish my dad and I made more money.
4. Life
Just fucking kill me now. I was planning on going back to college in January full time taking night classes.... but I guess not. I seriously can NEVER catch a break. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Its hard to be depressed and having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm, when you are so fucking stressed about everything else.
1. Jail.
I was arrested a month ago or so, for driving on a suspended license, that I didn't even know was suspended in the first place. I was put in jail for 24 hours when that happened, and my meeting with the prosecutor was yesterday. The State of Michigan is taking me to court, because I had no knowledge of my license being suspended. Comes to find out, MY DAD had my paperwork all along and just threw it away as junk mail more than a year ago when I GOT IT ALL in the mail. He assumed because it was addressed to me, it was junk. I called the court, and we are trying to work out a deal. They want me to pay $1000 in fines, and then additional fines and fees associated with reinstating my license and resending the suspension on it. I don't have that. We are talking it out. For now though, THEY IMPOUNDED MY TRUCK. SO, because of my dad's sheer stupidity, I am out of a truck, my money, and my license. GREAT.
2. Fire
House caught fire. It just did. Fire, smoke, all that shit. Fire started in the kitchen, and spread to the dining room and living room. I'm still living in it, but everything is now either damaged by smoke, or reeks of it. The house is still livable, and we intend to make the necessary repairs eventually. It was an electrical fire caused by overheating and short-circuting what-nots, and it wasn't anyone's fault. Just old I suppose. We have to buy all new appliances for our kitchen, and all of the food we had went rotten. If I thought money was tight before, I was WRONG. On top of what I talked about with my license, I really didn't need this. This really complicates things with money and living here. At least we still have water, electric, and more.
3. Fines.
Jail and fire. Enough said. I owe a lot of money to the state treasury for my father's ignorance, money to IUSB and student loan companies, and the mechanic for a fix on my truck that is useless now because its IMPOUNDED until further notice. Money to fix the house is just not there, nor to buy new appliances. I really wish my dad and I made more money.
4. Life
Just fucking kill me now. I was planning on going back to college in January full time taking night classes.... but I guess not. I seriously can NEVER catch a break. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Its hard to be depressed and having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm, when you are so fucking stressed about everything else.
Tattoos, Self Harm, and Eating
Posted 11 years agoI have been struggling.
My life has been getting worse and worse lately. I wont go into detail and I wont whine and complain here. Its not the time or place.
BUT, I have been having strong urges to self harm again. Suicidal thoughts have been on the forefront of my mind more than usual, and thats saying something.
It was suggested by former cutters that are happy and healthy now, and by some therapists that have seen similar things, that instead of cutting, whipping, or burning myself, and leaving scars, that I get a tattoo, or touch-ups once I have some, instead of self harming.
Its interesting, and I love tattoos, and I would spend just as much binge-eating every week to bury my feelings in fried dough and cheese.
What are your thoughts? HONEST thoughts.... this is still just an idea for me.
Pros: I feel like if I do it, I can finally lose weight and be healthier, in a way, and possibly curve the urge to self harm will a less harmful act, and ergo have less scars on my body. I know my scars tell a story but I'm ready to close that book and start a new one. Besides, mental hospitals are expensive if you get caught by a dad that already thinks you have problems. (been to 4 mental hospitals, dont want to go back)
Cons: Cutting is cheaper and tattoos are forever. Scars will fade eventually. Every time I have a thought of self harm or urge to kill myself? That means there will be a LOT of tattoos. Thats really expensive. (not sure if as expensive as mental hospital)
I mean I only eat as much as I do when I do, to temporarily distract myself from my inner feelings. My blood pressure is through the roof, and my weight is out of whack. Might help in that respect?
What do YOU think?
My life has been getting worse and worse lately. I wont go into detail and I wont whine and complain here. Its not the time or place.
BUT, I have been having strong urges to self harm again. Suicidal thoughts have been on the forefront of my mind more than usual, and thats saying something.
It was suggested by former cutters that are happy and healthy now, and by some therapists that have seen similar things, that instead of cutting, whipping, or burning myself, and leaving scars, that I get a tattoo, or touch-ups once I have some, instead of self harming.
Its interesting, and I love tattoos, and I would spend just as much binge-eating every week to bury my feelings in fried dough and cheese.
What are your thoughts? HONEST thoughts.... this is still just an idea for me.
Pros: I feel like if I do it, I can finally lose weight and be healthier, in a way, and possibly curve the urge to self harm will a less harmful act, and ergo have less scars on my body. I know my scars tell a story but I'm ready to close that book and start a new one. Besides, mental hospitals are expensive if you get caught by a dad that already thinks you have problems. (been to 4 mental hospitals, dont want to go back)
Cons: Cutting is cheaper and tattoos are forever. Scars will fade eventually. Every time I have a thought of self harm or urge to kill myself? That means there will be a LOT of tattoos. Thats really expensive. (not sure if as expensive as mental hospital)
I mean I only eat as much as I do when I do, to temporarily distract myself from my inner feelings. My blood pressure is through the roof, and my weight is out of whack. Might help in that respect?
What do YOU think?
Happens Every Birthday
Posted 11 years agoWARNING: DEPRESSING JOURNAL
Yesterday, I turned 21. I went to work, came home, voted (it was voting day), and then attempted to relax at home, to unwind from the hellish day I had had up to that point in time. NOPE! Dad wanted to take me drinking. I didn't want to drink, because I had to work today, but NOOOOOOO... He had to throw me an ultimatum. Lovely.
Went drinking. I learned that I can really hold my liquor!... To a point. 13 shots in 75 minutes... NOT GOOD. After 13 shots total, and 3 other drinks on top of that, needless to say I couldn't stand up by myself, let alone not stop hugging the toilet. Brother, who was nice enough to come see me on my birthday which never happens, and only came to borrow money from me anyway, drove me home and took care of me, and slid me into bed.
Missed work today. Called in because I didn't have it in me at 5am to get up, get ready, drive to work, and work an 8 hour day. Boss is pissed. Dad told them I didn't come in because I was wasted and had a wicked hangover. I called in before that and said I didn't feel well. SO... my dad may have fucked up my employment, just for a laugh. My dad tends to take pleasure in my misfortune, like when he got me arrested because he was bored and had nothing better to do... story of my life.
YES, drinking to the excess was my fault, but I blame my dad for shoving them down my throat practically. No bad hangover, which is also good.
WARNING: REALLY DEPRESSING PART
In all honesty, this birthday was like every other birthday. A lot of self-loathing, depression, and hatred of my sheer existence. Only one person said happy birthday to me to my face, and that was ME when I looked in the mirror that morning. My dad reminded that I'm worth nothing and that no matter what I do I am still a freak, and after being screamed at while working about 12 times... my dad was off to a bad start. Every year on my birthday since I was 13, I have self-harmed from all of the self-loathing I have for even living... and this was the first year I didn't. Granted, I drank myself into submission and threw up for 2 hours, but that in itself is a kind of self-harm that I intended to get out of the evening. I may not have any new scars or cuts, but I have a new way of damaging myself. GREEEAAAT. And this time, its legal and easy to do, without anyone telling me how horrible and selfish I am.
I'm just sick and tired of feeling like hell very birthday. Every year, it rains or snows, and it rained like hell this year. Every year, I hate myself more and more, and it didn't fail to come like a tidal wave and wash over me. Every year, I do something to myself that I regret, and this year it was different than usual, but I had it mastered in aces.
I'm done celebrating my birthday. If it wasn't for facebook people telling me it was my birthday, I would have forgotten and have it just be like any other day. Yes, I got literally HUNDREDS of people telling me "happy birthday" on facebook, and maybe I am being selfish, in that other than that, no one really cares about my existence. My mom, the one person in life that really cared about me, is dead. My father disowned me, my brother wants nothing to do with me anymore. My furry family only gets ahold me when they need something, or when shit hits the fan, and they need a good anchor to help out through the hard moments and decisions. The people that once told me they love me, never even acknowledge me, and I feel like I merely exist for personal gain, and then tossed aside again.
Maybe I am selfish. After reading what I wrote, I don't doubt many people think I am. For me, at least, its hard though, trying to go through the motions every day knowing that you cant truly go to anyone for help, because they either don't care or are too busy for you, and that you are truly alone, even when surrounded my people. The fear and weight of self loathing and overbearing anxiety every day, teamed up with being utterly alone with no one to turn to but a broken reflection of yourself in the mirror, can make it really hard to feel liek you are of any worth or value in life. I owe many people money, i am on the verge of poverty for the 4th time in my life, and I have nowhere to go, and no other options.
Why did I make this journal? Because I know a lot of people wont even make it this far, let alone care to even read it. A lot of furs will see it, go "oh shit that's long", and just assume everything is cool, or see the warning and completely skip it on that premise. Maybe this journal itself is being selfish. Maybe I'm just too much. I just feel like I want to give up. Im tired of waking up and hating the fact that I did wake up.
I'm sorry I even made this journal. But I promised myself I would stop deleting shit after I write it. Sorry.
Yesterday, I turned 21. I went to work, came home, voted (it was voting day), and then attempted to relax at home, to unwind from the hellish day I had had up to that point in time. NOPE! Dad wanted to take me drinking. I didn't want to drink, because I had to work today, but NOOOOOOO... He had to throw me an ultimatum. Lovely.
Went drinking. I learned that I can really hold my liquor!... To a point. 13 shots in 75 minutes... NOT GOOD. After 13 shots total, and 3 other drinks on top of that, needless to say I couldn't stand up by myself, let alone not stop hugging the toilet. Brother, who was nice enough to come see me on my birthday which never happens, and only came to borrow money from me anyway, drove me home and took care of me, and slid me into bed.
Missed work today. Called in because I didn't have it in me at 5am to get up, get ready, drive to work, and work an 8 hour day. Boss is pissed. Dad told them I didn't come in because I was wasted and had a wicked hangover. I called in before that and said I didn't feel well. SO... my dad may have fucked up my employment, just for a laugh. My dad tends to take pleasure in my misfortune, like when he got me arrested because he was bored and had nothing better to do... story of my life.
YES, drinking to the excess was my fault, but I blame my dad for shoving them down my throat practically. No bad hangover, which is also good.
WARNING: REALLY DEPRESSING PART
In all honesty, this birthday was like every other birthday. A lot of self-loathing, depression, and hatred of my sheer existence. Only one person said happy birthday to me to my face, and that was ME when I looked in the mirror that morning. My dad reminded that I'm worth nothing and that no matter what I do I am still a freak, and after being screamed at while working about 12 times... my dad was off to a bad start. Every year on my birthday since I was 13, I have self-harmed from all of the self-loathing I have for even living... and this was the first year I didn't. Granted, I drank myself into submission and threw up for 2 hours, but that in itself is a kind of self-harm that I intended to get out of the evening. I may not have any new scars or cuts, but I have a new way of damaging myself. GREEEAAAT. And this time, its legal and easy to do, without anyone telling me how horrible and selfish I am.
I'm just sick and tired of feeling like hell very birthday. Every year, it rains or snows, and it rained like hell this year. Every year, I hate myself more and more, and it didn't fail to come like a tidal wave and wash over me. Every year, I do something to myself that I regret, and this year it was different than usual, but I had it mastered in aces.
I'm done celebrating my birthday. If it wasn't for facebook people telling me it was my birthday, I would have forgotten and have it just be like any other day. Yes, I got literally HUNDREDS of people telling me "happy birthday" on facebook, and maybe I am being selfish, in that other than that, no one really cares about my existence. My mom, the one person in life that really cared about me, is dead. My father disowned me, my brother wants nothing to do with me anymore. My furry family only gets ahold me when they need something, or when shit hits the fan, and they need a good anchor to help out through the hard moments and decisions. The people that once told me they love me, never even acknowledge me, and I feel like I merely exist for personal gain, and then tossed aside again.
Maybe I am selfish. After reading what I wrote, I don't doubt many people think I am. For me, at least, its hard though, trying to go through the motions every day knowing that you cant truly go to anyone for help, because they either don't care or are too busy for you, and that you are truly alone, even when surrounded my people. The fear and weight of self loathing and overbearing anxiety every day, teamed up with being utterly alone with no one to turn to but a broken reflection of yourself in the mirror, can make it really hard to feel liek you are of any worth or value in life. I owe many people money, i am on the verge of poverty for the 4th time in my life, and I have nowhere to go, and no other options.
Why did I make this journal? Because I know a lot of people wont even make it this far, let alone care to even read it. A lot of furs will see it, go "oh shit that's long", and just assume everything is cool, or see the warning and completely skip it on that premise. Maybe this journal itself is being selfish. Maybe I'm just too much. I just feel like I want to give up. Im tired of waking up and hating the fact that I did wake up.
I'm sorry I even made this journal. But I promised myself I would stop deleting shit after I write it. Sorry.
Birthday Today! IM 21!!!
Posted 11 years agoToday, on voting day, I turned 21!!! WOOHOO!
I will go vote with my dad after work and then go to his favorite "watering hole"…The Holiday Bar (on the corner of Stocking and Alpine, Grand Rapids, MI) and proceed with shots and watch election results.
As with my brother, my mom is buying the first round (the last money she held in her hand.). If you feel so inclined…please join us!
It should be interesting…I don't drink! Someone bring a camera... lol
I will go vote with my dad after work and then go to his favorite "watering hole"…The Holiday Bar (on the corner of Stocking and Alpine, Grand Rapids, MI) and proceed with shots and watch election results.
As with my brother, my mom is buying the first round (the last money she held in her hand.). If you feel so inclined…please join us!
It should be interesting…I don't drink! Someone bring a camera... lol
Offline
Posted 11 years agoGoing offline for a while. No need for me to be on Facebook and FA and stuff every day.
I miss the days when our lives weren't so codependent on the internet and using the computer.
I miss the days when our lives weren't so codependent on the internet and using the computer.
Nipple Piercings
Posted 11 years ago
I'm getting my nipples pierced this weekend. Its going to be my a birthday gift to myself, because my 21st birthday is a week from today.
Fuck yeah. (I did all of my research too, Im not stupid) I cant wait for this.
Old Dog, NO Tricks
Posted 11 years ago
No, this journal isn't about training a dog to do tricks, sorry.
Its been a week since my relationship hit the fan and ended abruptly. I cant really fathom that it ended, even if the ending was inevitable. Im alive, but I have no idea what I'm doing. I've only had 3 relationships in my whole life. The first lasted 2 years, the second was like 2 and 1/2 years and I got engaged to him before he died, and then this last one being the third. I'm used to being in a long-term, committed relationship with someone I genuinely love. I don't know ANYTHING about dating nowadays. Its hard enough for me to stand back on my feet by myself...
I'm an old dog. I haven't needed to learn tricks to impress, because I've never had to impress anyone in my love life like I have to now, if I want to. I'm chubby, slow, non-athletic, and WAY too old school. I love things that are out of style for today's anything, and considered "vintage".
I don't really know what to feel. I don't know if I really even WANT to date again. The dating scene, and men in general nowadays.... are just so low class. They have good personalities, but no class, education, or desire for a better life. And the ones that DO have class are absolute assholes, with a shallow personality. TO me, its not even worth trying to love again. Its just not worth it. I'm not someone to trust easily, and my scars and multiple problems kind of make it difficult to love me. Is it even worth me trying?
I want to just be able to be happy on my own and take time to be happy and comfortable with being alone. I'm not about to jump into another relationship, because that never ends well. I don't rebound easily. And I don''t want to just sleep around, because to be honest, I'M NOT THAT GOOD LOOKING under the cloths. I'm not that attractive naked. That, and I'm really self conscious.
Its hard enough that dating me is like dating an 80 year old and a 10 year old at the same time. But then.... emotional shiiiiittttttt.... I'll leave it at that. Im complicated.
on a separate note, things kinda went downhill after Farell and I split up. All the self loathing and depression that he kept at bay, all started to rush back at once, like a dam broke loose. I don't have that person there to tell me that I'm not.... what I think i am. Last night was the hardest yet. I ALMOST did what I was thinking of, and I'm glad I didn't... but I don't feel good knowing that the frame of mind I fought so hard to keep away, is back and stronger than ever. Being happy on my own is going to be a whole new challenge now.
Also doesn't help that my finances are strangling me, and my list isn't exactly on the right track.
Im an old dog with no tricks left. Single
Posted 11 years ago
Yes, it is true. I am single again. Farell dumped me and it wasn't pretty.
I'm upset, but I don't feel hollow or sad like I normally would. I just feel "off". We would fight almost every day, never agree on anything, and the relationship was naturally crumbling from the very beginning. He was manipulative, controlling, and was never happy with me no matter what I did to try and make him happy. I gave him my all and it still wasn't enough. I love him, and he is a great person, but he did not make a good boyfriend/mate. We were great friends, and we should have left it at that. I saw it coming from a mile away, and I prepared for it. We were two very different people, and it led to us seething in unrest with eachother.
The good part is now I can get back on my feet, and try again. I'm not talking about jumping back into a relationship, but I can try to be single again and be happy ON MY OWN without the need for someone else in my life. I believe that you should be able to be happy on your own, and then come together with someone and share a mutual happiness together. I don't want to be codependent on someone else for my own happiness.
I also now get to live the single life... so that has to be fun, right? Its also time for me to start exercising again and start looking my best for all the gay men out there that love a nice tight body! No one will look my way with this flabby jelly on my belly! *bats and belly jelly*
Happy Birthday to a Lost Love
Posted 11 years agoI want to give a special Happy Birthday to someone very close to me. Happy Birthday, Timothy Heiser. >>
scrapper_26<< You may not be with us anymore. but you are always in our hearts. You were an amazing friend, fiance, and companion.
I almost forgot it was your birthday. I was only reminded by the pocket watch on my nightstand that has our birthdays engraved in it.
Happy birthday, honey.
We were only engaged for a short while, but I was yours and you were mine up until you passed, and I will never forget the special days we spent together. Love you, honey.
scrapper_26<< You may not be with us anymore. but you are always in our hearts. You were an amazing friend, fiance, and companion.I almost forgot it was your birthday. I was only reminded by the pocket watch on my nightstand that has our birthdays engraved in it.
Happy birthday, honey.
We were only engaged for a short while, but I was yours and you were mine up until you passed, and I will never forget the special days we spent together. Love you, honey.
