It's been a wild 8 months hasn't it? Well anyways, yeah I'm kinda returning to posting stuff here. But since I figured people may have some questions, I shall answer some!

First one I figure most of you have is "what happened? Why did you leave?"

The semi-short answer was that I got really really depressed, and that (and the irrational decisions that come from it) along with me tasting the tiniest bit of success and not liking the weird aftertaste of people really only interested in horny and not much else.

Next one some of you may have is "why did you randomly block me?"

Answer is fairly similar, that depressive episode was pretty bad, and of course I did what I did best which was isolate! Luckily, I've been able to not do that ever since. Most of you guys should be unblocked and all that fun stuff, if you still are... Well this will need to be a disclaimer for the future:

You can't talk about things like Natural Disasters or severe weather with me, point blank, my biggest anxiety trigger without a doubt. I give a lot of leeway but if you keep doing it over and over and I tell you about it, well to put it bluntly I will block you. I can't handle it, I gave up Twitter, Reddit and Discord from September up until probably November/December because I knew how hectic this time of year probably be before hand. It is something I won't budge on, period, I'm already depressed enough as it is and I don't need to worry about someone triggering my anxiety 24/7.

Next (and probably the biggest) question is: "are you going back to stories/edits?"

The answer to that is yes-ish I have atleast one story in the works and have something pretty cool with editing if things work out! HOWEVER, eventually I'm going to start branching out. I will eventually start writing non-macro stories, and along with that I'm hoping to post music as well! I will also NOT reupload anything I have posted in the past. That being said, I found a bunch of old stories, some finished, some not, some involving people I don't care for anymore, some involving old friends that I drifted apart from. So if you want to read those, just note me and I will send a link to the folder with them all!

Anyways, I hope this answers questions you may have about things going on, if you have more feel free to ask below! Hope you guys have been dealing with this shit as well as you can, I know how hard it is. Love you guys <3

Please unfollow, I will no longer be doing stories and edits.

Words can not describe my sorrow in writing this. One of the greatest drummers of all time Neil Peart (best known for his work with Rush) has passed away.

Some of you don't know who he is, and that's honestly a shame. He deserves to be a Household name.

If you've never heard a Rush song, please make this one (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdpMpfp-J_I) your first.

We will miss you, Neal.

I realized something that Christmas day that had been rolling around in my head for the past year now, exactly how damaging going balls to the wall on the sexual side of the fandom truly was to me. Of course, going the exact opposite direction (which I attempted) wasn't really going to do much good for me either. However, I knew that no matter what, only one thing can truly put me in a better place... deleting my Telegram. Going on there when I need it, only to be bombarded with people who are really only friends with me due to RP was going to do me no good in the end.

And of course, my absolute favorite thing that could've happened actually did! someone from Telegram (not naming names, but if they talk to me about this journal I surely will) came to me on Discord to ask me about my deleted Telegram account. And they ACTUALLY got mad at me for not wanting to RP with them! And there went any doubt that getting the hell out of Telegram was a bad idea.

Anyways, I want to talk about the difference between being an adult and acting like an adult because there are a lot of people that don't really understand that. Just because you're over 18 doesn't mean you get a free-pass from acting like a child. I remember being told that I should not have friendships based on solely RP, however little did I know it turns out that once you turn 18 that advice magically disappears because that very same person had many friendships seemingly entirely based on that. My point is that it is good advice and it should not end right after you become of age, so don't try and mince my words to make me come out like a total creep or something. Understanding that sex isn't everything is called growing up.

If you find out someone you're rping with is underage, tell them it makes you uncomfortable, but you're more than willing to have non-sexual conversations. THAT is the mature thing to do, not block them, not leave them on read, but tell them simply it makes you uncomfortable. If they leave because of it then it is on them and they will learn the important lesson that sex isn't everything. It isn't illegal to talk to a 16-year-old about music on the internet. BE THE ADULT. You can either teach them to lie about their age more and not trust people, or you could teach them that there is more to life than sex. And if you really have chosen that first option, you should leave every single 18+ group you're in because you are not an adult, you're a super horny teenager that happens to have lived over 18 years. Grow up.

While many see this time as a joyous one, I can not help but feel it is the exact opposite. Just a mere 4-5 years ago I would wake up all gitty, a sleepless night. Now, it pains me to stay awake with nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs, play video games, and listen to music hoping to dull the pain for the time being. A little less than a month ago I was riding high, making friends and for once having a feeling of joy. Of course, it all came crashing down once those friends exposed their true nature once someone was in their time of need, of course even then that person never messaged me after that night, after all, I shouldn't have to start every conversation. (Also if you know what happened that day, Don't say anything about it or try to bring those people into this; that's not the point of me writing, I simply need to vent about how my life has been.)

On the topic of friends, I wish for more from those people. I can't simply do friendships based off of similar kinks, one that's solely based on RP or anything involving sexuality. At best it's unfulfilling and at worst it's toxic. I know people who only message me first when they want to RP, and when I call them out they beg and tell me they'll change. And after ~3-10 days of actual change, they are back to the same old bullshit, the maximum non-sexual conversation being 1-2 word answers and the very occasional 1 AM text while I'm asleep, a slap to my face of an (at the very least) semi-engaging conversation that has been ripped away because of me waking up at 6:30 in the morning while everyone else can't be fucked to get up until noon.

The easiest way to make me happy is to simply message me first and show an actual interest in the things I enjoy. Let me talk to you about the things I like, that's exactly I haven't enjoyed being a furry as much as when I was younger and have enjoyed being in music communities like the King Crimson discord server. I get to talk about what I like, I get to have actual, worthwhile, conversations with others. No amount of pretending to be Godzilla but bigger and a Futu or worshiping someone's X, Y, or Z for the millionth time will ever compare to me showing people a song I like, and them actually enjoying it. If I could get rid of all of my sexuality in exchange for always having a large group of mature people to talk about my interests with, I'd do it in a heartbeat and would probably be much happier because of it.

Also, please don't tell me that "your sorry" or whatever, because if so you're 100% missing what I'm saying. I'm sad not because people don't feel sorry for me, but because it feels like no one wants to put in the effort to actually get to know me. There is a reason people say "no one cares about you until you're dead" because it's sadly true, or at least it feels that way to me. I hope that there is some sort of afterlife, so I look down in disgust at the people all talking about how good of a person I was, the vast majority not being there when I needed them the most because I wasn't in the mood that particular day. I really don't understand what I did to deserve this, I do my best to be a good, mature person and yet many of the people I seem to come in contact with are in their mid-twenties acting like how I did when I was 15/16. And I say with ease that I have become extremely bitter at the fandom as a whole because of it. Which sucks, and I know that it truly doesn't deserve said bitterness, but I've finally understood what the fandom being "too sexual" REALLY means. All it means is that in some areas it is getting to the point where it negatively affects one's perception of friendship and their identity. If you had a friend with benefits only because of said benefits IRL, it'd be called a bad friendship. But in this (and many other) fandoms it's the norm, and it needs to stop. And if you are someone who does this, look at yourself and think "is this really making me live a happy and fulfilling life? and am I unwittingly harming others?"

TLDR; Stop thinking with your dick/clit and start thinking about the things you do in your spare time.

While Im not having very happy holidays, I hope you reading this do.

~Lucifer Sam